In laws get mad at temperature of house

[Erica]

There are alot of people,moreso people as they age, which suffer from dry eye syndrome.
A fan is hell, it makes the eyes dry out even more and that stings.


If they are so kind to give you free childcare, gosh just change the temperature to whatever they ask. Not just when you are getting their
services for free, but for good when they visit. Appreciate all you are getting, you sound very lucky to have them.

[Pigeon]

I agree about the dry eye.  I have it as a result of chemo and fans are actually painful.

If I were providing free childcare for my kids and they gave me any push back at all about the temperature of the house, they'd be looking for a new babysitter.

[Libertea]

How do you handle?

When my relatives come to visit me, I turn the temperature up or down to what they request.  That's because I'm happy to have them visiting me and want them to be comfortable.  And, since I don't have kids, I'm not even getting anything out of the deal except for the pleasure of their company.  You?  Come on, man.  You are being cheap (in a negative way), not being frugal, by begrudging this relatively simple accommodation to make your in-laws comfortable.  And that's not even counting the money they're saving you by babysitting your child.  You should handle this "problem" by gracefully turning the temp to whatever they want when they come over, and stop making them keep asking you to do it.

[Northwestie]

Another first world "problem"

[BlueHouse]

When my relatives visit me in my house, I tell them to just change the thermostat.  It's programmed, so after 2 hours it returns to my program.  If they're still here and still uncomfortable, they can do it again and they can do it as many times as they like.  This seems to be a decent compromise for us. 

They keep their home so warm (usually 80+ in the room with the fireplace in the winter time), that I usually have to stand outside in the dead of winter for 15+ minutes to cool down if I'm drinking wine. 

Since I've instructed and encouraged them to change the thermostat at my house, they are so much more accommodating of my temp fluctuations and will turn the fire down when I visit them. 

[yuka]

When my relatives visit me in my house, I tell them to just change the thermostat.  It's programmed, so after 2 hours it returns to my program.  If they're still here and still uncomfortable, they can do it again and they can do it as many times as they like.  This seems to be a decent compromise for us. 

They keep their home so warm (usually 80+ in the room with the fireplace in the winter time), that I usually have to stand outside in the dead of winter for 15+ minutes to cool down if I'm drinking wine. 

Since I've instructed and encouraged them to change the thermostat at my house, they are so much more accommodating of my temp fluctuations and will turn the fire down when I visit them.

This is awesome, and I love the self-righting thermostat!

I also walk out into the cold winter night during holidays at my grandparents' furnace house.

[Villanelle]

I thick it crosses the line from frugal to cheap when a host refuses to take in to account the comfort of guests, especially when those comfort issues are well within societal norms.  And when one isn't a host and instead is the recipient of free and generous assistance, it goes from cheap to downright rude.  They are giving you free (and presumably much-appreciated) support, and in return you can't spend a few dollars on a/c?  Talk about ungrateful!

[BlueHouse]

This is awesome, and I love the self-righting thermostat!

I also walk out into the cold winter night during holidays at my grandparents' furnace house.

The thermostat isn't even a fancy one. It's the Honeywell programmable thermostat that came with the house. With it, I see no need for a nest or any of the fancy ones. I think this costs about $7 or you can get it free on any trash day in new construction when all the new owners install their fancy $250 thermostats!

[Cassie Hill 2]

I think MMM said somewhere, be generous with others and frugal with yourself (paraphrasing). Its true though, the body's ability to thermoregulate can diminish with age or illness. My parents were very mustachian about the heat when I grew up but when they were elderly and my dad was chilly with anemia from chemotherapy he kept the house quite warm. He was fond of saying "keep the thermostat down when you are young so you will have the dough to keep it warm when you are old"

[Cassie]

As people age their ability to tolerate different temps becomes difficult. I would adjust to what they need and they are doing a lot to help out and it saves you more $ then what they are costing you.

[flashpacker]

We usually keep our house 81-82 F in summer but as we had an infant this summer, we've been keeping it 78-79 F.  There is apparently some increased SIDS risk when the home temperature is kept higher.  The recommendations we'd read were to keep the house 16-20C (UK's NHS guidelines) but that's seriously cold so we did a compromise. 

[WranglerBowman]

My in-laws complain all summer about it being too hot in our house.  We keep it at 78 and have ceiling fans in all bedrooms.  Since they are helping with the new kid and often bringing food with them I tell them they can set the thermostat at whatever they'd like it to be.  The best though was when I came home and they were broiling a small piece of fish in our large oven, right next to the toaster over, and had 450 degree air pouring out of the open oven door, and the AC set on 70.  My natural reaction when I came home was "you're gonna cause an in-house thunderstorm!!!", not sure they got it.  O well still getting some free meals and kid help, worth the price of energy in my book but still slightly frustrating...the toaster oven part.

[zephyr911]

I have to think the right answer, as everyone else has said, is appeasement.

On another note, 68 in the winter?!?  I'm more of a 60 winter / 78 summer person, myself.

We bring it all the way down to 75 right before bedtime. Winter, 60 baseline, occasionally up to 65.

general comment

I'm all for being sensitive to the needs of older and less physically robust people, but OP's question isn't half as ridiculous as the harshness of some of the responses. Even if they ultimately decide to roll over and indulge the in-laws, let's not pretend that these are helpless victims. It is entirely possible, and in fact probable, that conscious choices are largely responsible for the tiny cold/heat tolerance they now have, even if aging has contributed to a degree.

[Libertea]

I think a large part of the harshness of some of the responses stems from the fact that A) OP is being rude to people who are guests in his home, and B) to add insult to injury, these "guests" are in fact providing free childcare for him that he would otherwise need to pay for.  Begrudging his in-laws a cool enough temperature for their liking comes off as ingratitude and selfishness, not as frugality.  Really, it doesn't matter why his in-laws can't tolerate the temperature.  The fact that these guests in his home are too hot for whatever the reason, and the fact that there is no simple solution to being too hot like there is to being too cold (i.e., putting on a sweatshirt), are reasons enough to accommodate their needs, even without factoring in the free childcare aspect of things.

[obstinate]

I have to think the right answer, as everyone else has said, is appeasement.

On another note, 68 in the winter?!?  I'm more of a 60 winter / 78 summer person, myself.

We bring it all the way down to 75 right before bedtime. Winter, 60 baseline, occasionally up to 65.

general comment

I'm all for being sensitive to the needs of older and less physically robust people, but OP's question isn't half as ridiculous as the harshness of some of the responses. Even if they ultimately decide to roll over and indulge the in-laws, let's not pretend that these are helpless victims. It is entirely possible, and in fact probable, that conscious choices are largely responsible for the tiny cold/heat tolerance they now have, even if aging has contributed to a degree.

Exactly. I think there's the pragmatic answer ("whatever they ask for, it's not worth fighting over"), but it's also fine to make a mustachian observation that their preferences are ridiculous.

The whole "free childcare" angle is silly. If you want to credit that, credit OP for providing free access to grandchildren. Families do things for each other. Doing those things doesn't make silly energy wastage OK. Yes, waste the energy to maintain the peace. Do it with a smile on your face and without complaint! But feel free to snigger behind your hand. OP, I'm sniggering with you.

[Villanelle]

I think a large part of the harshness of some of the responses stems from the fact that A) OP is being rude to people who are guests in his home, and B) to add insult to injury, these "guests" are in fact providing free childcare for him that he would otherwise need to pay for.  Begrudging his in-laws a cool enough temperature for their liking comes off as ingratitude and selfishness, not as frugality.  Really, it doesn't matter why his in-laws can't tolerate the temperature.  The fact that these guests in his home are too hot for whatever the reason, and the fact that there is no simple solution to being too hot like there is to being too cold (i.e., putting on a sweatshirt), are reasons enough to accommodate their needs, even without factoring in the free childcare aspect of things.

Right.  This.

If the In-Laws lost their home because they were unable to pay their mortgage (possibly due to their ridiculous electric bills), and the OP was putting them up in his house so they weren't out on the street, my response would be very different.  But these are not only guests in his home, but from the sounds of it they are there providing a service for the OP.  And no, "free access to grandchild" is not the same as "free help with the children", unless the ILs are just sitting around cooing at the baby and then handing it back to mom when it needs to be changed or they get bored or it's time for any sort of baby-work.

[liberate_life]

I've gone full circle on this type of issue over the past few years.

3 years ago, I'd have said stick to your guns as you've probably thought much more deeply about the principle than they have.

However, I've discovered that being a contrarian (frugality is almost exactly equal to disagreeing with what other people think!) and not learning to choose your battles gets tiring very quickly. For example, every time a family member turns up with yet another plastic toy for my daughter, I have to bite my tongue  because I know that, on balance, that's going to make life most pleasant in the long run.

[Pigeon]

The whole "free childcare" angle is silly. If you want to credit that, credit OP for providing free access to grandchildren. Families do things for each other. Doing those things doesn't make silly energy wastage OK. Yes, waste the energy to maintain the peace. Do it with a smile on your face and without complaint! But feel free to snigger behind your hand. OP, I'm sniggering with you.

Some families do things for each other, some do not.  Some will do some things but not other things.  Neither my parents, nor my in-laws, ever once offered to provide free babysitting for my kids.  In fact, they made it crystal clear that in both cases, they had raised a lot of kids themselves and were not at all interested in doing  any more child care. 

I went through eight rounds of chemotherapy without once having either set of grandparents so much as offer to take my kids to a movie for the afternoon.  They live five minutes away, were in good health at the time and were retired.   We don't have a bad relationship with them, but they have a lot of grandchildren and they were just done with anything kid-related.  My kids were very well behaved, not loud or wild and they are respectful.

Not all grandparents are overwhelmed with joy with the thought of  "free access" to grandchildren.  They spent many years taking care of their own kids and now would much rather be golfing, boating or playing with their own friends.  I think a lot of parents vastly overestimate the appeal of their own offspring.  It's nature's way of making sure you take care of them.  Many of my friends have parents who are equally disinclined to take care of grandchildren.

So yeah, I see grandparents providing free help with childcare and household tasks as a huge gift not to be taken lightly.

I also disagree that the parents created a situation where they are now intolerant to cold or heat.  My dad was hard core mustacian.  He built the house I grew up in with his own hands, and could make a penny stretch farther than anyone I know.  Our house was freezing in the winter and we had no A/C, so it was sweltering in the summer.  Now that he's old, he feels very uncomfortable in warmer or cooler houses and needs the temperature set accordingly or he is in distress.

[Gmullz]

They're old, and they're giving you free child care, so I guess you have to bite the bullet on this one.

I find it hard to believe their tolerance range is so small, but not much you can do about it I suppose. Better to keep them happy. If they weren't taking care of your kid, then that would be much different.

I say this as a person who has no A/C, and I keep my place a frigid 60 in the winter.

[BlueHouse]

It is entirely possible, and in fact probable, that conscious choices are largely responsible for the tiny cold/heat tolerance they now have, even if aging has contributed to a degree.

I am looking forward to telling my 76-year-old mother to drop and give me 20 push-ups the next time she mentions how cold I keep the house.

[Villanelle]

It is entirely possible, and in fact probable, that conscious choices are largely responsible for the tiny cold/heat tolerance they now have, even if aging has contributed to a degree.

I am looking forward to telling my 76-year-old mother to drop and give me 20 push-ups the next time she mentions how cold I keep the house.

Yes, my 73 yo mom is always cold.  Their house in Las Vegas us uncomfortably warm for me in the summer, and mine is too cold for her in the winter.  They are pretty mustachian (see the bit about the warm house in summer), but she has always run very warm.  At 73, she still plays tennis 3 times a week and is very active, and she's pretty thin.  I'm sure that contributes to the her aversion to cold.  I guess I need to tell her to harden up!

In reality, when I visit, they give a degree or two on the a/c in summer during the night (when it really bothers me and prevents me from sleeping since I sleep very hot) and I give on the heater in the winter when they visit, but she also knows to bring warm PJs as it will still likely be a couple degrees cooler than she'd prefer.  But I adjust enough that she can make herself comfortable with a sweater. 

Because she's my mom and she raised me and did so stinking much for me and that's worth $3 in heating bills to me.  I guess that makes me a fancy pants spendthrift!

[obstinate]

It is entirely possible, and in fact probable, that conscious choices are largely responsible for the tiny cold/heat tolerance they now have, even if aging has contributed to a degree.

I am looking forward to telling my 76-year-old mother to drop and give me 20 push-ups the next time she mentions how cold I keep the house.

You don't have to tell someone that you disagree w/ their choices or think they bear some responsibility for their preferences. It's still fine to observe privately that their behavior is unreasonable. That is, some might say, the raison d'eitre of this site. I don't shit on every one of my friends who buy trucks and post about it on Facebook. Or people who are a lot poorer than me who drop five figures on international vacations. But in my own mind, I do ruefully shake my head betimes.

[Cassie]

Young people don't get it. As you age, get certain physical conditions, illnesses, etc. your body temp needs change. My Mom never liked it hot and by her 80's we had to have the house very warm for her.  I would have to put my hair up and be sweating but it was better then seeing her shaking no matter how much clothing she had on.  Menopause has passed and I am permanently hot at 62. I would not provide childcare if I was not allowed to keep the AC where it was comfortable for me.  Shit happens that you never imagine when you are young. Free childcare is a huge gift.  I can't even believe we are still having this discussion.  When you are older think back on this and see how you feel then.  When I was young and my Mom was old she would say think of me when you are old and I am gone. This is when I thought something she needed was silly, etc. I get it now unfortunately.

[Frankies Girl]

Well OP either is super embarrassed or doesn't agree at all and left, because they haven't been on here since August 29th...

[zephyr911]

Young people don't get it. As you age, get certain physical conditions, illnesses, etc. your body temp needs change. My Mom never liked it hot and by her 80's we had to have the house very warm for her.  I would have to put my hair up and be sweating but it was better then seeing her shaking no matter how much clothing she had on.  Menopause has passed and I am permanently hot at 62. I would not provide childcare if I was not allowed to keep the AC where it was comfortable for me.  Shit happens that you never imagine when you are young. Free childcare is a huge gift.  I can't even believe we are still having this discussion.  When you are older think back on this and see how you feel then.  When I was young and my Mom was old she would say think of me when you are old and I am gone. This is when I thought something she needed was silly, etc. I get it now unfortunately.

I'm young, and I get it. What I don't get is all the responses accusing OP of being rude to their guests, when all they've done is post here to initiate a discussion of what would be the best response.

[trialbyFIRE]

I love the insights and banter that exists on this forum and have learned so much from it. However, the OP deserves a serious face punch. Put simply this is what I consider penny-wise and pound-foolish. It's important to step back and take a look at the big picture once in awhile.

[Milizard]

I think some compromise is in order here, but there is the issue of a newborn and his or her comfort as well.  Sounds like the grandparents prefer a temp much cooler than I personally would keep for a newborn--who has little body fat to keep warm and frequent clothing removals for diaper changes at least.

[BlueHouse]

It is entirely possible, and in fact probable, that conscious choices are largely responsible for the tiny cold/heat tolerance they now have, even if aging has contributed to a degree.

I am looking forward to telling my 76-year-old mother to drop and give me 20 push-ups the next time she mentions how cold I keep the house.

You don't have to tell someone that you disagree w/ their choices or think they bear some responsibility for their preferences. It's still fine to observe privately that their behavior is unreasonable. That is, some might say, the raison d'eitre of this site. I don't shit on every one of my friends who buy trucks and post about it on Facebook. Or people who are a lot poorer than me who drop five figures on international vacations. But in my own mind, I do ruefully shake my head betimes.

You do realize my post was entirely sarcastic, right?  I'm definitely a proponent of making invited guests comfortable in your home. Especially elderly parents.  I have been known to do pushups or squats myself though when I'm cold. 

[Villanelle]

Young people don't get it. As you age, get certain physical conditions, illnesses, etc. your body temp needs change. My Mom never liked it hot and by her 80's we had to have the house very warm for her.  I would have to put my hair up and be sweating but it was better then seeing her shaking no matter how much clothing she had on.  Menopause has passed and I am permanently hot at 62. I would not provide childcare if I was not allowed to keep the AC where it was comfortable for me.  Shit happens that you never imagine when you are young. Free childcare is a huge gift.  I can't even believe we are still having this discussion.  When you are older think back on this and see how you feel then.  When I was young and my Mom was old she would say think of me when you are old and I am gone. This is when I thought something she needed was silly, etc. I get it now unfortunately.

 

I'm young, and I get it. What I don't get is all the responses accusing OP of being rude to their guests, when all they've done is post here to initiate a discussion of what would be the best response.

Actually, he's done more than just ask us about it.  He knows their preference and clearly they've had multiple conversations about it (or multiple comments have been made), so he knows their preference and yet instead of adjusting the thermostat to make them comfortable, he put them in a position of having to ask that it be done.  I do consider that rude. After 2-3 comments max, it should have been clear that they are uncomfortable at X*, and he should have made the adjustment.   And I consider his resistance to it even more rude.

[Tiger Stache]

Grow up and make your guests comfortable.

[Libertea]

Actually, he's done more than just ask us about it.  He knows their preference and clearly they've had multiple conversations about it (or multiple comments have been made), so he knows their preference and yet instead of adjusting the thermostat to make them comfortable, he put them in a position of having to ask that it be done.  I do consider that rude. After 2-3 comments max, it should have been clear that they are uncomfortable at X*, and he should have made the adjustment.   And I consider his resistance to it even more rude.

Agree completely with this.

I actually agree with those who are arguing that the parents-in-law providing free childcare is beside the point.  It IS beside the point.  The point is that the OP is not providing a comfortable environment for people who are guests (who are also family) in his home.  Treating one's guests, ANY guests, this way is rude.  That fact that these "guests" are also providing a needed service for him free of charge is an insult added to an injury, not the original injury.

This is not to say that one should simply cater to every guest's every whim no matter what.  But for something that is relatively minor to accommodate (and even those of you who think the OP is in the right to not want to cater to his in-laws' temperature preferences still seem to agree that it's probably not a big enough deal to be worth starting a family feud over it), the host should be gracious and accommodate the guests because it's polite, and because being gracious is the right way to treat guests in your home if you want them to continue to come visit you.

[Papa Mustache]

What does a three day thermostat adjustment for guests cost? Probably less than alot of other things that are provided to guests - meals, alcohol, sweets, transportation, etc.

When I know we are having guests come - I adjust our basic digital timer thermostat to a temp that is comfortable for them - and as they leave I reach over and tap the "resume" button so it resumes the schedule we use for our HVAC day to day. ;)