I want to make more local, frugal friends who are toddler-compatible. Help!

[shelivesthedream]

I put this in Welcome & General Discussion rather than Mini Money Mustaches because it's really about making frugal friends rather than about making parent friends, although parents with similar-aged children would be ideal.

TL;DR: Moved to a new area, finding it hard to make friends who are free during the day sometimes but don't want to do activities that involve spending money.

We moved to a new area a few months ago, partly choosing here because we have one pair of good couple friends who live here. It's been great living so close - they come for dinner (we alternate who cooks but it's always at ours because toddler bedtime), we play board games, we text for spontaneous hangouts. They work full time but slightly odd schedules so are sometime available during the day during the week. #livingthedream

London is BIG and we don't drive, so it's hard to see our other friends when we have to organise ourselves around a toddler. It's mean to always haul them 1h-1h30 over to ours, but it's expensive to meet in the middle for dinner and we have to do it individually because we don't want to get a babysitter (expensive and I think it would freak ToddlerSLTD out). I would like to make just a few more local friends who are compatible with having a toddler and a frugal lifestyle - happy to hang out at our houses, free during the day, tolerant of children (ToddlerSLTD is pretty quiet and chill as far as toddlers go, so I'm happy taking him to other people's houses without worrying that he'll break stuff).

I've made local parent friend at the park and he's cool but he keeps suggesting we go out to do stuff that involves spending money. We can meet at the park, but as autumn's arriving we need an option for rainy days as well. I'm really happy to have them over to ours, but I don't feel like I can insist! And I think maybe he finds it stressful to supervise his two active girls in someone else's differently-babyproofed house (e.g. all our plug sockets are just hanging out because ToddlerSLTD has zero interest in them, but his little one went straight for them!). I'm OK chatting to people at stuff, but find it hard to get over the 'hump' of making actual friends.

To compound the problem, I'm pregnant and tired, and my energy for new activities is only going to get lower as I get more pregnanter (sic) and actually having a newborn. I work part time from home but am winding that up at the end of this year for a while, so I'm going to want to have friends more at the same time as being less able to make the effort.

I know that's kind of long and complicated but... help?

[Dicey]

Whe your energy level allows for it, take your toddler to story time at the library.  Free programs at free places tend to attract frugal folks. You are bound to meet people who are at similar stages in their lives, which means you will already have a lot in common. Good luck!

[chemistk]

I thoroughly apologize for the lack of help I can give, but.....I wholeheartedly sympathize with you.

We, as we now anticipate #3 in the coming weeks, have yet to find a decent group of child-compatible friends who share our interests. My wife and I constantly wonder where like-minded people are hiding, and how we can be admitted to that club.

We have had some luck in finding other parents by attending free or low-cost events - story time at the library has been particularly fruitful in finding at least someone for my wife to chat with. I also find that those parks that are very close to urban areas tend to attract more reasonable people than what we like to call the 'destination parks' (parks with beautiful play structures that aren't really within walking distance). Too often though we find someone to talk with, only to learn that they are as far from frugal as possible.

Ultimately, though, I've decided the whole exercise is one big (comical) paradox. Frugal people (especially frugal parents) don't tend to advertise themselves as such, and yet given how few people seem to be like minded, it's the most important thing that frugal should be doing to seek a group of like-minded friends.

I'm starting to think that converting non-frugal people who seem nice is easier than finding someone with a similar mindset.

[Mellow Mallow]

It's not everyone's cup of tea, but have you tried La Leche League? They meet in mothers' houses once or twice a month. My sister and I both joined the Aussie equivalent (Australian Breastfeeding Association) and found it a great way to meet likeminded, friendly, non-competitive, non-spendy mums. Toddlers were welcome. LLL might be similar, if you have one in your area?

[shelivesthedream]

Whe your energy level allows for it, take your toddler to story time at the library.  Free programs at free places tend to attract frugal folks. You are bound to meet people who are at similar stages in their lives, which means you will already have a lot in common. Good luck!

Alas our library has just closed for refurbishment! It should be open again by Christmas, but that was part of the catalyst for me posting. We had been a few times but it basically ended at the start of his naptime so I had to absolutely belt it home the second it ended anyway. Things might have changed by the time it starts again *fingers crossed*

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one having this struggle!

[shelivesthedream]

It's not everyone's cup of tea, but have you tried La Leche League? They meet in mothers' houses once or twice a month. My sister and I both joined the Aussie equivalent (Australian Breastfeeding Association) and found it a great way to meet likeminded, friendly, non-competitive, non-spendy mums. Toddlers were welcome. LLL might be similar, if you have one in your area?

Thanks! There is a monthly one in a library half an hour's walk away. Like everything else on the freaking planet, it currently clashes with my toddler's nap time, but we're hoping it will slip later so I might put it on the list for after Christmas, when it's also closer to my due date so I will feel better able to contemplate breastfeeding again!

[shelivesthedream]

One other thing I tried that didn't work out was the Peanut app. It ate my phone battery and the demographic was just not what I was looking for.

Ugh, and my local NCT group has closed down.

And the stay and play at our closest children's centre is half an hour's walk away... at naptime.

Not to be a whinger, just saying what I've tried!

[Cranky]

I had a fabulous playgroup of friends when my kids were tiny - we all had advanced degrees and no money, so everything we did had to be free. I think we went to every free kid activity in Dade County. LOL

I met the first person in that group when we were both sitting in the fabric store nursing our babies, and then she knew someone who knew someone... I knew no one because we had just moved across the country while I was pregnant. I'm still in touch with some of those women 30+ years later.

If the library isn't working, are there story times at the local bookstore? Are there La Leche League meetings in your neighborhood?

[mm1970]

I guess I'm not sure what's available in London.  What people have done here in California:
1.  Various baby groups.  MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers), PEP (Postpartum education for parents)
2.  Library story time
3.  Local facebook mom groups (This is a big one)
4.  Local church groups (if you are into that).
5.  Adult education programs for parents and children
6.  Local kid museums, for rainy days.  Often annual passes to Natural History or science museums are reasonable.

We had a leader in our PEP group who was awesome.  She did ALL the things, and set up a lot of meetings at parks and things.  Several of the other moms loved to get together and do things that require spending money.  I mean, we'd all go to the zoo with our annual memberships - but then they'd go to lunch.  Lunch was a big thing.

Well this lovely woman moved to a different city and jumped right into a facebook moms group and started scheduling meetups at different parks.  She's got a huge tribe now.  Sometimes you have to be the person to organize it.

When my big kid was a baby, I was in our local PEP group and it was huge and they had these awesome meetings at parks or houses at 10 am on Weds, or whatever.  I immediately started scheduling weekly meetings at my house at 6:30 pm because I had a FT job.  It was a lot of work, but man that's when I met a neighbor who lives two doors down, and my son and her daughter have been besties ever since.  (Well, not as much anymore in 8th grade).

[minimustache1985]

So TBH I haven’t made a bunch of mom friends, but I’m a bit of a homebody and already had 2 friends that had kids just before us, so I haven’t felt the need to invite the women I’ve met to do things beyond the playgroups.

Things I’ve gone to/seen:
1) Facebook mom groups- many will schedule park dates for whoever wants to go.  They also blast out free movie nights on the lawn at X park (too late for my little but will be handy in a few years) in addition to paid but not outlandish events (lots of indoor playgrounds here that cost a few bucks) or places where people may have annual memberships (ie children’s museum).
2) Community outreach centers- the hospital chain I delivered at is a nonprofit and has a few women’s centers in town that offer free and low cost activities.  We go to a toddler playgroup, Zumbini class, and Pre-K readiness class (again my toddler is a bit young for this, but he still has fun and it’s directly after Zumbini so we stay) for free.
3) Libraries
4) Community center kid classes.  These aren’t free but are generally reasonable, since we have a pool I enrolled us in a Parent and me class for awhile which worked out to be somewhere in the range of $5/class.  Ours also has tumbling, dance, cooking, music, etc that I could have done, but for me the free classes and library stuff is enough, so once I’d learned the exercises well enough to do on our own we decided to stop swim until he’s old enough to do the classes I don’t need to be in the pool for.
5) Malls.  Provided you’re not tempted to spend, when the weather sucks they’re climate controlled and generally have a play area adjacent to the food court.

[shelivesthedream]

Well this lovely woman moved to a different city and jumped right into a facebook moms group and started scheduling meetups at different parks.  She's got a huge tribe now.  Sometimes you have to be the person to organize it.

When my big kid was a baby, I was in our local PEP group and it was huge and they had these awesome meetings at parks or houses at 10 am on Weds, or whatever.  I immediately started scheduling weekly meetings at my house at 6:30 pm because I had a FT job.  It was a lot of work, but man that's when I met a neighbor who lives two doors down, and my son and her daughter have been besties ever since.  (Well, not as much anymore in 8th grade).

Oh man, this is so what I want but I'm just too tired to organise anything right now, even if I figured out how to organise it.

I'm coming to realise that a problem with our area is that everybody drives, so all the children's centres and stuff are too spaced out - and it's also full of unfrugal fancypants families who think paying for a soft play area and then buying lunch for them and their toddler at a cafe on a regular basis is just a normal expense of life. We have a park and library (closed for refurbishment til Christmas) at the end of our road, which is partly why we chose this house, but the other stuff is at least half an hour's walk away. We don't have a book shop, or a museum, or a sports centre, or or or... it's all a drive, serious walk or bus ride away. It's really suburban (like, for London - we still have pavements and public transport!). There's totally enough for us personally within walking distance (we are homebodies with few needs!) but not great places to meet parents in an organised way, I think.

I know there are loads of families living round here, and I do end up exchanging pleasantries with people at the playground on a regular basis, but I just can't seem to get over the hump of actually making FRIENDS who are happy to just hang out without doing Activities at Places. (Or, y'know, don't think I'm a weirdo for talking to them at the park, I suppose!)

But Facebook parents groups is a good thing that I haven't looked into. I'm not on Facebook much but do have an account, so will investigate local options!

[Hadilly]

Is your child going to go to preschool? I met a lot of great people that way. It’s just such an easy social network to hook into.

[Cranky]

I don't drive, and I'm guessing that I've always lived in places more spread out and car-centric than London, so walking or taking the bus for half an hour doesn't seem all that unreasonable.

I think ultimately the most direct way is to march up to people at the park and start talking to them, and plenty of people will be happy to make friends, but I am super not-outgoing, so that was not something I much did. But it really was easier for me to meet people when I had a small child - excellent icebreaker! Also, that child was extremely outgoing, clearly a recessive gene, because by the time she was 3yo she was leading Other Moms over to meet me at the park.

Is there any kind of free kid related publication around there? Everyplace I've lived has had something like that, and it's really an advertising thing but it always lists kid activities and groups.

I think a lot of the big groups now are FB or meet up groups. Alternatively, go to more things that are frugal or whatever else you are interested in and troll for parents...

[chemistk]

But Facebook parents groups is a good thing that I haven't looked into. I'm not on Facebook much but do have an account, so will investigate local options!

On this subject, be warned that (regardless of race or nationality), FB Moms groups can be wonderful but they can also be extremely toxic. As you're probably aware, parents can be incredibly protective of their own parenting styles and general lifestyle choices which turns into some absolutely appalling mom-shaming. My wife has left a few groups due to the toxicity (she never really commented, just observed).

[shelivesthedream]

Is your child going to go to preschool? I met a lot of great people that way. It’s just such an easy social network to hook into.

Nope, he's only 18 months and we can't afford any childcare.

@Cranky: sounds like we have opposite children! When I talk yo people at the park he's trying to lead me away! Part of it is that I want him to spend more time around other children so he's less scared but I don't want to pay for the privilege. We'd got to the point at the library storytime where he wouldn't cry or hide under my chair and would venture a metre or so away from me. But part of the reason I don't want to pay for anything is because he doesn't like other toddlers so I don't want to waste money on something he isn't enjoying! I just want him to low-key hang out in the same space at whatever level of interaction and whatever distance from me he is OK with that day. He did really well when my parent friend and his daughters came over to our house, I think because he was comfortable in our house and because it was just the two of them, not a whole pack.

We have a local magazine with kid activities but it's all one-offs for 4+. Maybe I'm looking at the wrong thing, though.

I also truly can't think of any generic toddler-compatible frugal stuff close by. MeetUp was amazing in our old city but sucks in London. Scratching my head here...maybe I should join a book club??

[mm1970]

Well this lovely woman moved to a different city and jumped right into a facebook moms group and started scheduling meetups at different parks.  She's got a huge tribe now.  Sometimes you have to be the person to organize it.

When my big kid was a baby, I was in our local PEP group and it was huge and they had these awesome meetings at parks or houses at 10 am on Weds, or whatever.  I immediately started scheduling weekly meetings at my house at 6:30 pm because I had a FT job.  It was a lot of work, but man that's when I met a neighbor who lives two doors down, and my son and her daughter have been besties ever since.  (Well, not as much anymore in 8th grade).

Oh man, this is so what I want but I'm just too tired to organise anything right now, even if I figured out how to organise it.

I'm coming to realise that a problem with our area is that everybody drives, so all the children's centres and stuff are too spaced out - and it's also full of unfrugal fancypants families who think paying for a soft play area and then buying lunch for them and their toddler at a cafe on a regular basis is just a normal expense of life. We have a park and library (closed for refurbishment til Christmas) at the end of our road, which is partly why we chose this house, but the other stuff is at least half an hour's walk away. We don't have a book shop, or a museum, or a sports centre, or or or... it's all a drive, serious walk or bus ride away. It's really suburban (like, for London - we still have pavements and public transport!). There's totally enough for us personally within walking distance (we are homebodies with few needs!) but not great places to meet parents in an organised way, I think.

I know there are loads of families living round here, and I do end up exchanging pleasantries with people at the playground on a regular basis, but I just can't seem to get over the hump of actually making FRIENDS who are happy to just hang out without doing Activities at Places. (Or, y'know, don't think I'm a weirdo for talking to them at the park, I suppose!)

But Facebook parents groups is a good thing that I haven't looked into. I'm not on Facebook much but do have an account, so will investigate local options!

Yeah, my friend definitely drives to the parks.  You could organize a meetup at the park at the end of your street?  Find a FB moms group and just say "see ya at 10 am on Tuesday", or whatever.  No pressure.

My 'hood has a potluck every Sunday night (brunch in the winter).  Been doing it for 20 + years.  30 years?  I dunno.  We started going about 7 years ago and it's no pressure.  It's always the park at the end of the street.  10 minute walk.  Come if you want, don't if you aren't feeling it.  We don't reserve a spot, just look for an open one.  It's definitely become my tribe - and it's full of people who like the low-pressure thing.  And the not spending thing.

[Jenny Wren]

Do you have a buy nothing group for your area? One thing allowed in a BN group is the gift of service. Although I haven't partaken, I have seen friendships blossom in our group from those offering/accepting services.

Be creative, what frugal things do you do that you could teach someone, or is there something you want to learn? Things I've seen offered/asked for locally include:
* Canning/preservation skills
* sewing lessons
* someone asked for help setting up a worm composter in an apartment
* Games (someone asked for someone to come and teach them how to play cribbage)
* Gardening help/lessons

[TomTX]

We like the Babywearing International meetups (monthly) - socializing, lots of kids, lots of trying on slings and things, lots of hanging out and chatting for a couple hours.

There appears to be a UK group:

http://www.babywearing.co.uk/sling-meet/

[Doubleh]

Have you tried Hoop? They have a free app but you can also search for activities on the main website at https://hoop.co.uk/ When we lived in London we used this all the time and found all sorts of activities

One of the best things about London for me was that there is loads of free stuff to do with kids like the big museums, art galleries, south Bank etc. The downside is that it does involve a lot of schlepping around - especially if you’re out of the centre. Realise this is probably hard to do while you’re pregnant but may be more manageable when the little one arrives.

Otherwise in the local area parks, children’s centres and the library web it reopens are good to try. I think it is really a case of trying to chat with people - they don't have to be full on frugal, as long as they are happy to meet up in the park or hang out in each others house over a cuppa.

Lastly have you tried the other direction looking at MMM or choose fi groups for London?

[calimom]

When I moved to a new town when my kids were young, I saw a notice that there would be a 6 week group for toddlers for an hour a week for 6 weeks. Knowing no one, I signed up. It was at a very manageable 10 AM time which meant I could take my older children to school and be there in plenty of time. There was parachute play, songs and stories. Sometimes play on a water table or super simple art projects. All parents were required to stay during the hour and I forced myself to talk to and get to know the other moms. When the class ended, most of us segued into a weekly playgroup at a super kid friendly backyard. This is a completely random thing, but it was there I learned about a small business for sale by the next door neighbor of that house, which I ended up purchasing and still own 11 years later.

A big handful of those children ended up going to the same preschool a year later, which was great for my daughter knowing some of her friends the first day of school.

Just get creative, look at all the options and something will happen.

[mountainmama]

It sounds like you would have to travel to visit them, but my library has a 'pass' you can check out to let you into museums for free. Also, you mention a half-hour walk, but can you take a bus for half-hour to widen your world?

[shelivesthedream]

No BuyNothing. We have a trashnothing, but the one in my area is dead compared to where we last lived, and it is just for things.

The BabyWearing forum doesn't load for me and their Facebook page only shows posts from 2018, but I've sent them an email to ask if they can link me to anything in my area. We never really got it off the ground (pun intended!) with ToddlerSLTD when he was tiny so he didn't like it much as he grew, but I'd love to do it with #2!

Wow, thanks for the Hoop link! I swear I've heard of Hoop before but it was only available as an iPhone app or something so I couldn't get onto it.

It sounds like you would have to travel to visit them, but my library has a 'pass' you can check out to let you into museums for free. Also, you mention a half-hour walk, but can you take a bus for half-hour to widen your world?

The problem with the travelling right now is really the toddler. If I have to go half an hour for something, that's half an hour there and half an hour back, so that's an hour. He has a nap in the middle of the day, so we have to be back home by 10.45am or can't leave before 2pm and have to be back by 5pm for his dinner. He naps amazingly at home in his cot and craply in the buggy if it's moving and not at all in the buggy if it's stationary. He's like a little clockwork toddler in that his body clock KNOWS exactly when it's snack time or nap time and just switches into that mode.

So if something starts at 9.30am (a common start time round here) I can stay for 45 minutes before I have to go. If it's a bus away, I have to leave even earlier as the waits for buses can be long outside commuter times. If it's an organised thing like library story time, that means I miss the "free chat" stuff at the end completely. Afternoon stuff would be so much better but apparently that's when every other toddler on the planet has their nap so nothing happens then! I'm hoping his nap is going to trickle later in the day as we've only just switched to one nap, but it is a serious curtailment on travel time. And my old pregnant hip right now is another curtailment on walking time!

[shelivesthedream]

To do list:
1. Talk to more people in the playground like a crazy person
2. Wait with hope and joy for the library to reopen and go to story time and chat afterwards
3. Try to find a local Facebook parents group
4. Possibly go to LLL meeting after Christmas
5. Is there some local family-focused magazine?
6. Search Hoop (do they have a filter for free? I can't find one)

[Doubleh]

There is a filter for free activities on the hoop app itself but I couldn't see one on the website which is a pain.

You have my sympathy about the nap time, I can see that would be quite a constraint. Both ours always slept well in the pram so we would saddle them up and go out for the day. All I can suggest is if his routine is changing anyway with dropping to one nap you may be able to push it a little in the direction you want either to get him napping later in the day or in the pram - they change so much at this age that you may find something he wouldn't do even a couple of months ago is now acceptable?

Good luck in either case

[WSUCoug1994]

have you looked into the ChooseFI local groups?

[shelivesthedream]

have you looked into the ChooseFI local groups?

These are only on Facebook, yes? The London one is a closed group so I can't see anything in it, and I don't want to join it because I don't want to associate my real identity with my FIdentity. Presumably it will announce to all my friends I've joined.

[Hadilly]

Not sure if you qualify, but this might work for you in a few months: 
https://www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/free-childcare-2-year-olds

Naps are  a total pain! Good luck pushing it later.

[Cassie]

One thing I did was take a mommy and baby swim class. I only took it once because it cost money but I made some friends.

[cats]

I would definitely try to push his nap a little later, to start around 12 or 12:30.  Also, when you go out, pack his lunch and feed him on the bus ride home (obviously pack stuff that isn’t going to make a mess), then hustle him into bed as soon as you get in the door. It’s probably not ideal for everyday to have him eating lunch on the bus/tube, but once a week or so I think it’s worth it if the trade off is getting out to do something.  It also sounds like you’ll have something super local available once the nearby library re-opens in December.  I would bet your toddler can be nudged into a more “standard” nap window by then, so that could open up a lot of potential activities for you.

I’ve also just been very forward about suggesting future meetups (at home or somewhere free/cheap) to parents and then asking for their phone numbers on the spot to organize it. Making parent friends is surprisingly like dating—you have to put some work into it and get over fear of rejection (note I do not have as many local parent friends as I would like so I still struggle with this).