Husband won’t let me buy a used iPhone

[retiredat58]

I’d to purchase my nephew’s fairly new iPhone. He upgrades every time a new phone comes out.  Problem is, my husband won’t give me any information on our plan in order to do this..  He’s very resistant to change and doesn’t understand that the plan will stay the same, no matter how much I explain it to him. In other words, he will not give me OR the carrier, the information necessary for me to add this phone to our plan.

Do I need to get a new number and account ?

I have a tiny, ailing, old iPhone, at least 5 years old.

Need help from you smart people  ! If you say forget it, I will and wait until my phone just dies.

[nereo]

I see a problem here, and it has nothing to do with an iPhone.

What.The. Hell?
He won’t give relevant information, won’t listen to your explanations, and somehow he can prevent you from doing something this straightforward on your own??

[K_in_the_kitchen]

My guess is few people want to touch this topic, based on the title of your post.

1) Your husband won't let you buy a used iPhone.  Perhaps there isn't enough information here -- will he "let" you buy a new iPhone?  You say he doesn't understand that it won't change the plan.  Is his objection what you want to buy, or that you want to buy something at all?  Why does he get to make this decision and allow or not allow the purchase?

2) The power dynamic here feels off -- why can't you have access to the carrier account and information?  Do you have access to other accounts?  Sometimes I have login information, sometimes DH has login information, but we always give the other person access if they don't have it or can't remember the password.

[Metalcat]

That's all sorts of controlling...

How would he react if you got your own plan and changed your number? Then he'll absolutely have to change the existing plan. How would that go over, do you feel comfortable making that kind of move?

[Frankies Girl]

You can open your own account where ever, bring in your own device most of the time as long as it is unlocked from the existing carrier. Most sites have a "check your number/device" to see if it's able to move/port the number over, and also whether you can bring over your own phone. Once ported over, it would effectively shut down your old phone/line. So basically, you get the nephew's phone and confirm it's good to go where you decide and also your number is good to move over, and follow any instructions to get it up and runnning (your nephew likely can help you with this easily if he's a regular upgrader).



But bigger picture - this is alarming based solely on the information/wording used.

I would actually explain to your husband that you can do this without his "permission," but this is extremely disturbing and controlling behavior and ask him to reconsider if this is not typical behavior.

Are there other signs that he's restricting your access to things or otherwise trying to control you and not treating you like his equal partner? Because if so, this is a sign you may need to seek marriage counseling.

[Kris]

My God.

I think you can give your husband a choice: either he gives you the information on a phone account that is yours just as much as his...

Or he gives you his schedule so you can make your first appointment with a marriage counselor to talk about this with a professional.

[Zikoris]

Do I need to get a new number and account ?

I'd go with "new husband". He sounds like a real piece of work.

[retiredat58]

Funny thing is, he a psychologist........who did  marriage counseling in his work life. I am in therapy on my own.

[Metalcat]

Funny thing is, he a psychologist........who did  marriage counseling in his work life. I am in therapy on my own.

Oh my. 

I'm glad you are getting professional support.

[mizzourah2006]

If you have already purchased the phone all you need to do is take the sim card out of your old phone and put it in your new phone. I've never contacted my carrier when I change phones. Just swap the sim cards.

[NumberJohnny5]

Pop out the old sim card. Put it in the new phone. That's it. It's POSSIBLE that he's reluctant to give out a bunch of information because there's no need for the information, and if someone is asking you for all that information, it's likely not for a legitimate reason? Please note I said POSSIBLE, not probable. I can only say that if my wife said she needed to know how to login to make changes to our mobile plan, I'd be a bit suspicious...but would gladly show her how to eject the sim card.

Note, the sim card you have could be larger than what the new phone takes. Unless the sim card is a decade old, it can PROBABLY be cut down to size. If you have a tech savvy individual in the family, it's not difficult (I personally have a sim cutter, but have accomplished the same with a pair of scissors and a template). You can also take it to a mobile store, it's not a hard thing to do. There's a good chance that, even if it's a larger size than the new phone takes, it can be "punched out" to the smaller size. A lot of sims come as a 3-in-1, where you can punch out the largest size, the next smallest size, or the smallest (nano) size.

If you have an iPhone 5 or newer, disregard everything I wrote about sim sizes...it already takes the smallest nano size, so you're good to go.

[Metalcat]

If you have already purchased the phone all you need to do is take the sim card out of your old phone and put it in your new phone. I've never contacted my carrier when I change phones. Just swap the sim cards.

It depends if it's unlocked, but yeah, the phone has nothing to do with the plan, unless the current phone is on some kind of contract. But even then, it doesn't stop you from just using the new phone.

[markbike528CBX]

I’d to purchase my nephew’s fairly new iPhone.   ...snip...

Make sure it is a iPhone 6 or SE or later. 
I found out the my (newer to me) 5s is not good going forward, as it has LTE but not VOIP LTE, even though it has the hardware to do it.  I bought it based on the 4G/ LTE capabilities, thinking it was "future proof".

The rest of the original post?  Ick and ewww.  I'm not stepping in that.

 

[OtherJen]

Pop out the old sim card. Put it in the new phone. That's it. It's POSSIBLE that he's reluctant to give out a bunch of information because there's no need for the information, and if someone is asking you for all that information, it's likely not for a legitimate reason? Please note I said POSSIBLE, not probable. I can only say that if my wife said she needed to know how to login to make changes to our mobile plan, I'd be a bit suspicious...but would gladly show her how to eject the sim card.

I'd be suspicious if my husband refused to give me access to the plan information that we both used (and presumably paid for).

[OtherJen]

If you have already purchased the phone all you need to do is take the sim card out of your old phone and put it in your new phone. I've never contacted my carrier when I change phones. Just swap the sim cards.

It depends if it's unlocked, but yeah, the phone has nothing to do with the plan, unless the current phone is on some kind of contract. But even then, it doesn't stop you from just using the new phone.

This. My Android phone bricked a few years ago. I had to send it back to Google for replacement and just popped the SIM card in an old phone we had sitting around. Worked just fine.

[NumberJohnny5]

I'd be suspicious if my husband refused to give me access to the plan information that we both used (and presumably paid for).

I do my best to give people the benefit of the doubt. We've heard one side. We can only make assumptions. I just know how I'd react if my wife asked something like "I need to know our plan's account number and login info so I can port to my nephew's phone I want to buy." I mean, her nephew is like six, so that'd be a red flag, but I personally know it'd not be a good idea to just say "here's the login info to our mobile plan, have fun!" I'd ask why, and if she just wanted a new phone, I'd explain that she doesn't need the mobile plan info. Maybe the OPs husband tried the same, but didn't do a good job of explaining that he wasn't keeping OP from getting the new phone, just that it didn't require any contact with the mobile phone company to switch phones (before sim cards, it did, and could be an arduous process).

Plus, even if the husband IS trying to be a controlling ass...well...you don't need his "permission" to swap sim cards. Whether you may want to actually port to a new provider so you have full control over your phone number is another issue, but for the immediate question of "how do I use this new phone" it's "pop out the sim card from the old phone, and put it in the new." Unless you're on Sprint in which case...*shrug* They've always been a special case, and with the merger, I dunno if it's easier or harder than before.

[retiredat58]

If this helps: My nephew is mid 20’s with an engineering degree and works in cyber security. I have an iPhone 5S, he is selling me his iPhone XS MAX.

Husband is so afraid I or someone else will change his cell plan. I leave in a few days to see my nephew and husband said “ Do not ask me for any account information, pin, etc. “

I think going forward I’m going to open my own account ,get a new number and never have this issue again.

[Metalcat]

If this helps: My nephew is mid 20’s with an engineering degree and works in cyber security. I have an iPhone 5S, he is selling me his iPhone XS MAX.

Husband is so afraid I or someone else will change his cell plan. I leave in a few days to see my nephew and husband said “ Do not ask me for any account information, pin, etc. “

I think going forward I’m going to open my own account ,get a new number and never have this issue again.

This is why I asked the question I did.
I was wondering if he's being controlling about what he sees as *his* plan, or if he would be bothered by you having your own plan.

If you just put the sim card into an unlocked phone, nothing will happen to his plan. If you get your own plan, he will have to modify "his".

Beyond that, you have your own professional support and you aren't expressly asking for our input on your marriage, so I won't comment further on that unless it's what you want (which, by the way, you are welcome to, we have a ton of threads here talking about marital dynamics if you ever need a place to talk).

So yeah, if you want the least amount of fuss, just switch the sim card to the new phone. Granted, that's assuming the sim card is the right size. If the new phone needs a different size sim card, you may run into problems getting the right size if you have no authority on the account.

Otherwise, yeah, I think it makes sense for the sake of your own autonomy to have control over your own phone account. So just separating from his may be the best option.

[Kris]

Funny thing is, he a psychologist........who did  marriage counseling in his work life. I am in therapy on my own.

The cobbler’s children go without shoes... isn’t that how the saying goes?

I’m really sorry. I hope therapy is helping you. Please bring this up in your next session.

[dang1]

tell your husband it'll be an Android phone instead. Maybe that"ll do the trick. lol. some people, like me, are allergic to Apple anything lol

[charis]

If this is just about his plan changing, get your own. It might not be about him controlling you, as everyone is suggesting. But still ask for his account info for record keeping and check his reaction.

My husband and I have different plans with different providers because he doesn't want to change his. I don't know his account info and I don't care. But I haven't asked for it either.

[norajean]

There are risks with used. I would go with new.

[use2betrix]

Obviously if this is a controlling issue, that is a major concern.

Some people (myself to a smaller extent) really do not trust and hate dealing with cell phone companies, large apartment rental agencies, health insurance, companies. Many places where a completely incompetent employees error can majorly screw someone over.

It’s important to get to the root of the problem here, cause it may be as bad as it comes off, or some totally separate underlying issue.

[former player]

There are risks with used. I would go with new.

Buying from a nephew who works in cyber security seems pretty low risk to me.

[Dicey]

There are risks with used. I would go with new.

Buying from a nephew who works in cyber security seems pretty low risk to me.

Agreed, unless the husband finds out and loses his shit. But that's a whole different issue.

[Freedomin5]

If this helps: My nephew is mid 20’s with an engineering degree and works in cyber security. I have an iPhone 5S, he is selling me his iPhone XS MAX.

Husband is so afraid I or someone else will change his cell plan. I leave in a few days to see my nephew and husband said “ Do not ask me for any account information, pin, etc. “

I think going forward I’m going to open my own account ,get a new number and never have this issue again.

I upgraded from an iPhone 5S to an iPhone X. As long as your new phone is unlocked (I’m assuming your nephew could help you with that), you can just pop out the SIM card from your old phone and put it in your new phone. You don’t need the account information or anything like that.

[trygeek]

i hink you need your own phone and plan and thats just a start.

[partgypsy]

Not to be overly paranoid, but at one point my husband decided to replace his phone and also changed his plan at the same time. Found out later it's bc if you own the plan, you can look up the phone records (or at least what phone numbers were called on what day).  He didn't want me the opportunity to look up the phone records because he was having an affair at the time. Hope it's not that but felt I should mention the possibility.

[charis]

Not to be overly paranoid, but at one point my husband decided to replace his phone and also changed his plan at the same time. Found out later it's bc if you own the plan, you can look up the phone records (or at least what phone numbers were called on what day).  He didn't want me the opportunity to look up the phone records because he was having an affair at the time. Hope it's not that but felt I should mention the possibility.

Isn't this the opposite of the OP's situation? The husband is the one who wants to keep their current plan.

[cchrissyy]

Isn't this the opposite of the OP's situation? The husband is the one who wants to keep their current plan.

No the thing is he won't let her login and see his activity. Partygypsy is right, this is common for cheaters.

[Imma]

Obviously if this is a controlling issue, that is a major concern.

Some people (myself to a smaller extent) really do not trust and hate dealing with cell phone companies, large apartment rental agencies, health insurance, companies. Many places where a completely incompetent employees error can majorly screw someone over.

It’s important to get to the root of the problem here, cause it may be as bad as it comes off, or some totally separate underlying issue.

Sure, everyone hates dealing with those kind of companies and we all know that things can go wrong and take months to correct.

But since the account is a joint account, both owners are equally entitled to make decisions about it and both have the right to get the login. So if one of the partners wants to get access, the other can maybe recommend caution, but you can't just say "no you don't get access at all, because I don't trust you with it". There's a a possibility of, say, 5%, that the company makes a mistake if your wife logs in and changes things, but that likelihood is still 5% if you handle the account. The mistakes happen because of awful customer services, it's not dependent on you or your wife's actions.

Honestly, we have separate phone plans because it was cheaper, but if Mr Imma would refuse to give me the login details for our internet provider, I'd probably just call customer services and have the account reset. Which I'm sure is also what Mr Imma would do if I refused to give him the login details for the morgage provider, which is something I usually handle. We both strongly feel that we have the right to access to any account that we are legally responsible for.

[former player]

Isn't this the opposite of the OP's situation? The husband is the one who wants to keep their current plan.

No the thing is he won't let her login and see his activity. Partygypsy is right, this is common for cheaters.

It also means that he can monitor her phone use, common for controlling/abusive men.

[partgypsy]

Isn't this the opposite of the OP's situation? The husband is the one who wants to keep their current plan.

No the thing is he won't let her login and see his activity. Partygypsy is right, this is common for cheaters.

It also means that he can monitor her phone use, common for controlling/abusive men.

yes it could be either one. He is holding onto that account info because he either doesn't want his activity looked at, and/or wants to maintain control over looking at his wife's activity. Either way I think this warrants a talk with the spouse.

[LiveLean]

This is bigger than an iPhone.

I have a friend whose wife would not let him get a cell phone until 2008. He has a comfortable six-figure salary, she's a SAHM. They are financially independent and have been for years. He could quit work tomorrow. He still might not have a cell phone if he had not gone to work for the government in 2008 and they issued him one.

Remarkably, they're still together. He also was driving a 1993 Toyota until two months ago. She finally let him get a new car -- or at least a new used one.

Obviously there are some issues. OP, I hope it's not as bad for you.

[charis]

@retiredat58, I briefly looked at some of your old posts. Is this the same husband you wanted to leave last year?

[Plina]

This is bigger than an iPhone.

I have a friend whose wife would not let him get a cell phone until 2008. He has a comfortable six-figure salary, she's a SAHM. They are financially independent and have been for years. He could quit work tomorrow. He still might not have a cell phone if he had not gone to work for the government in 2008 and they issued him one.

Remarkably, they're still together. He also was driving a 1993 Toyota until two months ago. She finally let him get a new car -- or at least a new used one.

Obviously there are some issues. OP, I hope it's not as bad for you.

I have always disliked the language that another spouse ”let” someone do something. You could also say the husband let his wife decide that for him. It always makes the other spouse fault that something didn’t happen. If a spouse  would tell me I could not buy a cellphone with my own money he would be an ex husband pretty fast. I can understand that you discuss larger purchases as a couple but I would see it as a joint decision to buy a car or not and not something someone lets me do. If someone ”let” someone else make a decision for them, they should take responsibily for letting the other person decide for them. If they are not happy with that option, they should take some action. Either way is ok, but in the end is their choice.

[former player]

This is bigger than an iPhone.

I have a friend whose wife would not let him get a cell phone until 2008. He has a comfortable six-figure salary, she's a SAHM. They are financially independent and have been for years. He could quit work tomorrow. He still might not have a cell phone if he had not gone to work for the government in 2008 and they issued him one.

Remarkably, they're still together. He also was driving a 1993 Toyota until two months ago. She finally let him get a new car -- or at least a new used one.

Obviously there are some issues. OP, I hope it's not as bad for you.

I have always disliked the language that another spouse ”let” someone do something. You could also say the husband let his wife decide that for him. It always makes the other spouse fault that something didn’t happen. If a spouse  would tell me I could not buy a cellphone with my own money he would be an ex husband pretty fast. I can understand that you discuss larger purchases as a couple but I would see it as a joint decision to buy a car or not and not something someone lets me do. If someone ”let” someone else make a decision for them, they should take responsibily for letting the other person decide for them. If they are not happy with that option, they should take some action. Either way is ok, but in the end is their choice.

Except that people can be groomed into submission - it's exactly the same process that paedophiles use on children and it works on adults just as it does on kids.  This is one of the reasons it usually takes years and multiple physical injuries and emergency calls to the police before an abused partner leaves their abusive partner.  It's one of the reasons abused partners hang around long enough to be killed - most murdered women are killed by an abusive partner or ex partner.  Blaming the victim of abuse ignores this.

[Plina]

This is bigger than an iPhone.

I have a friend whose wife would not let him get a cell phone until 2008. He has a comfortable six-figure salary, she's a SAHM. They are financially independent and have been for years. He could quit work tomorrow. He still might not have a cell phone if he had not gone to work for the government in 2008 and they issued him one.

Remarkably, they're still together. He also was driving a 1993 Toyota until two months ago. She finally let him get a new car -- or at least a new used one.

Obviously there are some issues. OP, I hope it's not as bad for you.

I have always disliked the language that another spouse ”let” someone do something. You could also say the husband let his wife decide that for him. It always makes the other spouse fault that something didn’t happen. If a spouse  would tell me I could not buy a cellphone with my own money he would be an ex husband pretty fast. I can understand that you discuss larger purchases as a couple but I would see it as a joint decision to buy a car or not and not something someone lets me do. If someone ”let” someone else make a decision for them, they should take responsibily for letting the other person decide for them. If they are not happy with that option, they should take some action. Either way is ok, but in the end is their choice.

Except that people can be groomed into submission - it's exactly the same process that paedophiles use on children and it works on adults just as it does on kids.  This is one of the reasons it usually takes years and multiple physical injuries and emergency calls to the police before an abused partner leaves their abusive partner.  It's one of the reasons abused partners hang around long enough to be killed - most murdered women are killed by an abusive partner or ex partner.  Blaming the victim of abuse ignores this.

I can’t determine if all those cases are mentally or physically abusive. If you always see cases like the one I was referring to from an abuser/victim perspective then what we are saying is that we know that the wife in this case is abusive and the man a victim. And then we don’t do anything. I would say that in some cases the persons are extreme people pleasers that seem to lack an own will. For me that is different from abuse cases but I am not a psychologist.

[retiredat58]

Charis, same husband.

[FIRE Artist]

Funny thing is, he a psychologist........who did  marriage counseling in his work life. I am in therapy on my own.

hunh, my first thought was that situates him perfectly to be a master manipulator and gaslighter.

[charis]

Charis, same husband.

Why are you still in that relationship?

[retiredat58]

I’m honestly embarrassed by all this. For over 21 years I was single , financially stable and independent. Of those years 14 have been with this man. We’ve been married 4, and have only lived together the past 15 months. I’m still struggling to adapt.
My husband went to Verizon yesterday and they told him my nephew and I have to call Verizon customer service ,who will then call my husband to get his log in, password, and pin. This is bat ...
..s_ _ t.... crazy. After I get my “ new to me “ phone I’m going to get my own account and will never be held captive like this again.

[DizzyDaisies]

I’m honestly embarrassed by all this. For over 21 years I was single , financially stable and independent. Of those years 14 have been with this man. We’ve been married 4, and have only lived together the past 15 months. I’m still struggling to adapt.
My husband went to Verizon yesterday and they told him my nephew and I have to call Verizon customer service ,who will then call my husband to get his log in, password, and pin. This is bat ...
..s_ _ t.... crazy. After I get my “ new to me “ phone I’m going to get my own account and will never be held captive like this again.

So he’ll give his login, password, and pin to some random Verizon rep but won’t let you see the account? This is all very strange. It does sound quite possible that there is an affair going on. Is he controlling in other areas as well?

Husband issue aside, if you are opening your own account, look into one of the MVNOs. There’s a ton of great info on the forums here regarding carriers. We use Cricket, but a Verizon phone wouldn’t be compatible. There are others who would be. It’s a really great way to save money.

[RetiredAt63]

I’m honestly embarrassed by all this. For over 21 years I was single , financially stable and independent. Of those years 14 have been with this man. We’ve been married 4, and have only lived together the past 15 months. I’m still struggling to adapt.
My husband went to Verizon yesterday and they told him my nephew and I have to call Verizon customer service ,who will then call my husband to get his log in, password, and pin. This is bat ...
..s_ _ t.... crazy. After I get my “ new to me “ phone I’m going to get my own account and will never be held captive like this again.

Can he give you any rational explanation for this?  Because it seems totally crazy to me too.

Hmm, are there potentially other areas of your life together where he is in total control, but it just hasn't become an issue yet?  I've seen issues with internet, cable, utilities, mortgage statements, etc. with various couples. 

[OtherJen]

Funny thing is, he a psychologist........who did  marriage counseling in his work life. I am in therapy on my own.

hunh, my first thought was that situates him perfectly to be a master manipulator and gaslighter.

I had the same thought. Lots of red flags.

[CodingHare]

I’m honestly embarrassed by all this. For over 21 years I was single , financially stable and independent. Of those years 14 have been with this man. We’ve been married 4, and have only lived together the past 15 months. I’m still struggling to adapt.
My husband went to Verizon yesterday and they told him my nephew and I have to call Verizon customer service ,who will then call my husband to get his log in, password, and pin. This is bat ...
..s_ _ t.... crazy. After I get my “ new to me “ phone I’m going to get my own account and will never be held captive like this again.

Don't wait for the Verizon stuff to finish.  Get your own plan with the phone today.  You can order a SIM card to put in your new to you phone from any of the major phone plans.  In fact, I'd recommend not Verizon if you can to make absolutely sure your husband can't access it.  Let it be his problem if he wants to pay extra for a phone on his plan no one is using.

More urgently, whether or not you are planning to leave (a complex decision only you can make), make sure you are financially independent again.  Have accounts only you can access so you aren't left penniless if the relationship breaks down.  Reach out to friends and family so you have somewhere to go and people to vet that what's going on isn't right.  A bad relationship isn't just one where you are physically unsafe--you deserve to feel supported and cared for.  You deserve to have access to the accounts you pay for.  You deserve transparency from your husband.

[PMG]

You can pick up a prepaid SIM card at any pharmacy or box store. They are easy to set up and go quickly.

[MrThatsDifferent]

Congrats for taking control and resolving to set things up for yourself with your new phone. Hopefully this experience helps you to examine any other areas of your life that are occurring similarly and you make the corresponding changes.

[Cassie]

I am glad you are in counseling because it sounds like something is very wrong with the marriage.

[Laura33]

I leave in a few days to see my nephew and husband said “ Do not ask me for any account information, pin, etc. “

This is unacceptable.  There is, quite simply, no legitimate reason for one spouse to refuse the other spouse access to basic information about a joint account.

Getting your own account solves the phone issue but simply avoids dealing with the much, much larger issue.  It is necessary but not sufficient.

It sounds like you have been considering leaving him for quite some time.  I don't know the history or to what extent both of you have been engaged in working on the relationship.  But you need to take note that his response to your eminently reasonable request suggests he has not changed and has no interest in doing so.  You deserve better than this.