How to have a conversation about an unwanted, extravagant gift from your partner

[TapeMouse]

I'm in a long distance relationship.  Overall, it's pretty affordable.  Flights can be expensive, but thanks to some very generous sign-up bonuses for southwest credit cards, and occasional sales, our once a month travel is basically free, so that isn't an issue.  Since we fly back and forth visiting each other, there's no incurred hotel or rental car costs.  So that's not a problem.

I took Monday off and flew out to spend a lovely long weekend with the boy.  I knew he had some surprise planned, and upon arrival learned that involved getting whisked off on a two hour drive to Orlando, for a three night night stay at a hotel, and a showing of cirque du soleil.  Only he read the website wrong (he came up with this whole idea a week before my trip), and bought tickets for June 1st, as there's currently no shows going on.  The two things we ended up doing (seeing the new Star Trek and indoor putput golf) could have been done in his home city, and as for the hotel... well, they had pools and 24 hour jacuzzis and other assorted resorty things, but the only thing we did was spend our time there tangled in the sheets, which would have happened just fine at his house.

It's all so silly and unnecessary.  He was saddened that his weekend plans didn't quite go the way he wanted, and so I just said I had a nice time, as I didn't want to further distress him by saying that the whole thing was silly.  But the whole thing was silly.  My educated estimate is that the whole production cost over $500, after you include food and gas and unusable show tickets.  We could have put that money towards a real vacation (I have family in Orlando, so I've been to the area a million times; I've seen the Disney cirque du soleil show before, and the other things he had considered doing, Disney waterparks or Disney Quest, I've also done multiple times).  Or he could have put that money towards paying off his credit card debt. 

It's hard to fault him, because he just wanted to do something nice for me, since he feels it's been a while since he has done something to show how he cares.  What he doesn't realize is that he does that all the time, just in smaller chunks, whether it's helping me through my occasional dark bouts of existential bleakness, or spending his Saturday mornings to tutor me over skype in programming concepts I'm having a hard time grasping at work.  And I understand that it's hard enough to show appreciation to me in the traditional ways; I think flower delivery is over priced, and I've been pretty health conscious for a while with some good results, and so don't need an influx of expensive chocolates.  But this is all so... not at all something I wanted.

I have shared MMM articles with him before, but it just hasn't stuck.  Frugality is something I was raised with.  I'm certainly not the most mustachian, and ERE people put me to shame, but compared to pretty much every "normal" person, I'm pretty badass.  And he just... hemorrhages money in completely unoptimized ways.  Heck, while dropping me off at the airport, he was like, "oooh, Quiznos.  I think I'll get a sandwich to bring home."  It's silly enough pay airport prices while starving at an airport.  But to spend that money on something to then consume at home?  And after a lavish weekend?  I don't even understand.

I don't even know.  I don't know how to approach this.  Of the two of us, he is definitely the more emotional one; I'm practically vulvan, in regards to most things.  And so I need some tips on how to sensitively approach the subject of, "it's nice that you wanted to do something nice for me, but your approach was idiotic."

[MrsPete]

I don't think there's a nice way to say, "Gee, you're a financial idiot." 

If this is a "just dating" relationship, don't bother.  Just have fun together. 

However, if this is a serious relationship that might lead to marriage and a blending of your finances, you must broach the topic.  You might begin by bringing up your own thoughts on financial planning.  Don't send an article.  People send me articles all the time, and sometimes I take them seriously, sometimes I don't.  Start by talking about YOUR approach to money, and then branch out into "when it's OUR money".  Do not enter into any formal discussion of marriage without being on the same page financially.

I can tell you about my husband and my engagement: Neither of us came from an affluent home, and we both grew up with examples of thrift, but we both went to college and have good-but-not-great jobs (judging from what people say on these boards, we earn less than average).  We were both frugal, but we approached it from different directions. He was very focused on retirement and investment savings, and he was dead-set on getting out of his apartment and into a house.  However, he thought nothing of shopping at an expensive gormet grocery store or dropping $30 on dinner.  In contrast, I was just out of college and was still in survive-today-mode, so I wasn't so set on those long-term goals, but I was very good at making a dollar stretch for groceries and other necessities.  Because we are both frugal by nature, we talked a great deal about how we wanted to manage our money, and we each adopted the other's financial point of view.  This made us very well-rounded, though today he is still mainly in charge of investments, while I do most of the comparison shopping. 

Back to the topic with which you opened:  I would never say, "You sure did waste some money last weekend."  He tried, and that would only be hurtful.  Done is done.  You could set an example when he comes to visit you next time, and you could point out that you did this-or-that to be frugal.  This might point out to him that it's possible to have a great time without being spendy. 

[meadow lark]

Ahh love...  I am glad you are having fun.  It's hard when someone does something nice for you and it completely misses the mark.  For instance my wife bought a cute purse for me for $30.  Sweet, but I am a MUCH better shopper than she is, and I have 2 Coach purses I bought for less than $20 a piece.  And they are a lot nicer than the one she bought me...  But...  It is a gift, and you don't start fights over gifts.  Plus, his money is not your money.  He already feels stupid about his mistake.  I wouldn't ever mention it.  Ever.  Even next time he does something similar.  I had a period a few years ago when life was very stressful, and I often wanted to say things that made me look smart and my wife look dumb.  She is wonderful, I just was very stressed by things I didn't control, and she was a safe target. I tried very hard to keep my mouth shut.  It's a relationship killer.  You don't want him to feel stupid.  I would approach it by saying," Hey, some day wouldn't it be fun to go to blank?   Maybe we could save for that? That's my dream vacation." Or, "Some day I would love to get a really nice knife set.  It's so weird to me how some girls want silly things like flowers that just die."  (Or whatever you would like.). Give him a direction and a way to give to you, since he wants to.

[TapeMouse]

If this is a "just dating" relationship, don't bother.  Just have fun together. 

Yep, it is serious.  This August will be a 3 year dating anniversary.  The plan is for him to move out with me in October.

You might begin by bringing up your own thoughts on financial planning.

I suppose that's the thing; I feel like I have done this quite a bit.  But I do have a habit of overestimate how explicit I am being.

and then branch out into "when it's OUR money".  Do not enter into any formal discussion of marriage without being on the same page financially.

I do really need to do this.  We've been on a course towards an eventual marriage for quite some time now.  We obviously want to test our compatibility by living together.  It will be much easier then to lead by example, too.

I can tell you about my husband and my engagement:

That sounds quite excellent, you guys compliment each other well.  I suppose my boyfriend's complimentary aspect is that he's a much better software developer than I am, and a much bigger asset to the company he works for.  So his income will be higher (I believe I currently make a bit more than him) eventually.  But he also really likes the idea of working for himself.  Not in the sense of being a freelance developer who does contract work, but in the sense of being his own boss and developing his own projects.  Which is great... but you have to have something to live off of while you do that.

I would never say, "You sure did waste some money last weekend."  He tried, and that would only be hurtful.  Done is done. 

Agreed.  That's what makes all this so difficult, the helplessness of it.  When there's a problem, I like to be able to do something to fix it.  But when the problem is that money has been spent... what is the remedy?

You could set an example when he comes to visit you next time, and you could point out that you did this-or-that to be frugal.  This might point out to him that it's possible to have a great time without being spendy.   

I try to do this.  The weekends when I host him are budgeted to be more expensive than my normal weekends (during trips, the traveler pays for their travel, and the host pays for other expenses of the trip), but it's not like I go crazy.  Maybe I should just figure out a way to talk about general spending decisions in general.   We could go through my mint account or something.

[TapeMouse]

Ahh love...  I am glad you are having fun.  It's hard when someone does something nice for you and it completely misses the mark.  For instance my wife bought a cute purse for me for $30.  Sweet, but I am a MUCH better shopper than she is, and I have 2 Coach purses I bought for less than $20 a piece.  And they are a lot nicer than the one she bought me...  But...  It is a gift, and you don't start fights over gifts.  Plus, his money is not your money.  He already feels stupid about his mistake.  I wouldn't ever mention it.  Ever.  Even next time he does something similar.  I had a period a few years ago when life was very stressful, and I often wanted to say things that made me look smart and my wife look dumb.  She is wonderful, I just was very stressed by things I didn't control, and she was a safe target. I tried very hard to keep my mouth shut.  It's a relationship killer.  You don't want him to feel stupid.  I would approach it by saying," Hey, some day wouldn't it be fun to go to blank?   Maybe we could save for that? That's my dream vacation." Or, "Some day I would love to get a really nice knife set.  It's so weird to me how some girls want silly things like flowers that just die."  (Or whatever you would like.). Give him a direction and a way to give to you, since he wants to.

All super good advice, thank you so much.  I probably should leave this whole thing in the past.

I suppose what else bothers me is that I've been hinting at a trip to California this fall.  One of my friends is getting married in the city he grew up in, a city he has wanted to take me to and revisit.  But considering his finances, it seems irresponsible for us both to go; if I go by myself I can split a hotel room with a bunch of college friends I haven't seen in a while, and split a car rental (apparently public transit doesn't really exist in LA), and it would just be so much more affordable in general.  So although it would be fun to go with him, I've hinted to him that I don't think it's financially wise, but mostly have gone with the, "I'm not even certain I get a +1" angle, to spare his feelings.  If I had known he was planning to waste money on something, I would have hinted towards this trip more.

[Reepekg]

You've gotten some decent advice so far. I would just add that the introductory/dating part of the relationship where he wants to impress and dote on you doesn't usually last forever. After a couple of years, there will be plenty of practical things to tackle together. Don't be in too much of a hurry to squash the romantic things...

[Joet]

I'll go against the grain: he tried to do something nice for you, and it didn't meet your expectations. How did 3-nights + shows/eating/transportation/drinks/etc come in under $500 for a couple btw?

Sidenote: you're over-reacting. Just drop some additional hints that you would have rather saved the money. But be subtle about it.

[TapeMouse]

I'll go against the grain: he tried to do something nice for you, and it didn't meet your expectations. How did 3-nights + shows/eating/transportation/drinks/etc come in under $500 for a couple btw?

Sidenote: you're over-reacting. Just drop some additional hints that you would have rather saved the money. But be subtle about it.

I'm guessing over $500.

I probably should not be doing this but here goes. 

Gas: ~210 miles, ~30mpg, ~$3.40/gal, ~$25
Hotel: ~$90/night, $270
Food: 3 restaurant trips, plus groceries eaten in hotel room (my idea): ~$87 (two of the meals were at a really tasty mexican restaurant.  The $11 combo meal was so giant that both times we went we split it, and also got a side of guac)
Cirque: ~$140 (saw receipt; there's a special price for FL residents but I don't know if he realized it)
Movie: ~$38 (3D, at Downtown Disney, and he wanted to get a big drink)
Puttputt golf: $20

So, probably closer to $580 or so.  Practically $200 a day per person.  With that kind of money we could have visited a national park, or gone to New Orleans, or paid for part of a Scandinavian cruise, or something.  And if I had known we were going to Orlando I probably could have gotten us free lodging, since I think my parents have a time share there or something.

[jpo]

Couldn't you just ask to next time be included on the vacation plans?

[Jamesqf]

Something I don't think you've addressed (or if you did, I missed it): if this weekend had gone per his plans, would it have been something you would really have enjoyed?  If not, why did he think you'd enjoy it?

[mustachecat]

There's really no way around talking to him directly about this, but you can definitely soften the blow.

You could, for example, focus on telling him what you do enjoy doing with him ("I can't wait to see you again. Let's just stay in... and lock your bedroom door for two days." "I love hanging out with you. I wish we spent more time just being together, instead of rushing around everywhere.").

Alternately, you could address the long weekend head-on: "Hey, babe. It was so sweet of you to make all those plans for us, and I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted to. But just so you know, you've already swept me off my feet, so next time, let's just..."

Or: "It was so sweet of you to surprise me, but let's make plans together next time. How about we..."

Also, you meant "Vulcan," right? Because "vulvan" suggests... something else. ;)

[savingtofreedom]

Call me evil but sometimes I think there is value in being blunt.  I was raised by blunt parents and I am pretty blunt in most of my life - except my husband's in-laws who blow money like crazy - but that is worthy of a separate post.

If you are going to marry this man I think it is ok to tell him the truth.  I think it is the smart thing.  You guys have been dating 3 years.  If you don't address this now it will only get worse.  He also may be trying to show you a nice time based on what marketing has told him most women "want".  Most female mustachians are not like most women. Just be up front about it.  Otherwise you may up with a diamond pendant from one of those jewelry companies that advertise on TV - this is sort of a joke - I told my husband some time ago to never buy me anything that is advertised on TV to women.

Good luck.

[Frankies Girl]

Call me evil but sometimes I think there is value in being blunt.  I was raised by blunt parents and I am pretty blunt in most of my life - except my husband's in-laws who blow money like crazy - but that is worthy of a separate post.

If you are going to marry this man I think it is ok to tell him the truth.  I think it is the smart thing.  You guys have been dating 3 years.  If you don't address this now it will only get worse.  He also may be trying to show you a nice time based on what marketing has told him most women "want".  Most female mustachians are not like most women. Just be up front about it.  Otherwise you may up with a diamond pendant from one of those jewelry companies that advertise on TV - this is sort of a joke - I told my husband some time ago to never buy me anything that is advertised on TV to women.

^ This.

I told my husband when we were dating basic likes and dislikes and asked him the same. I'm not a typical woman and there is nothing wrong with that, and better that we are on the same page than him buying stuff I won't use and feel bad about him wasting his (our) money on.

[Nords]

We hear this attitude all the time during our getaway vacations, especially on the Mainland:  "Y'all are from Ha-why-uh and yer vacationin' hee-yer?!?"

I feel compelled to point out that the resort weekend might have been just as much for him as for you.  At the hotel he was no longer responsible for having to show that he lives in a clean abode and is capable of planning meals or fixing anything that breaks, and he doesn't have to worry about chores or any of the other usual "worries" of home.  He gets to focus all his attention on... you.

The plan is for him to move out with me in October.
I do really need to do this.  We've been on a course towards an eventual marriage for quite some time now.  We obviously want to test our compatibility by living together.  It will be much easier then to lead by example, too.

I think that once you two are forcing yourselves to put up with each other 24/7 (and constant proximity for long, thoughtful discussions at any time) then the issues will resolve themselves-- one way or another!

Laura Van Der Kam's book "All The Money In The World" makes a good point about using money for small jolts of pleasure instead of big hedonistic indulgences.  You could share the book and wax enthusiastic about the impact of dozens of thoughtful weekly gestures instead of once-a-year over-the-top blowout fantasies.
http://the-military-guide.com/2012/06/21/book-review-all-the-money-in-the-world/

[olivia]

Call me evil but sometimes I think there is value in being blunt.  I was raised by blunt parents and I am pretty blunt in most of my life - except my husband's in-laws who blow money like crazy - but that is worthy of a separate post.

If you are going to marry this man I think it is ok to tell him the truth.  I think it is the smart thing.  You guys have been dating 3 years.  If you don't address this now it will only get worse.  He also may be trying to show you a nice time based on what marketing has told him most women "want".  Most female mustachians are not like most women. Just be up front about it.  Otherwise you may up with a diamond pendant from one of those jewelry companies that advertise on TV - this is sort of a joke - I told my husband some time ago to never buy me anything that is advertised on TV to women.

^ This.

I told my husband when we were dating basic likes and dislikes and asked him the same. I'm not a typical woman and there is nothing wrong with that, and better that we are on the same page than him buying stuff I won't use and feel bad about him wasting his (our) money on.

Ditto, I don't see why you have to hint.  Most men don't get hints at all.  If you're on the marriage track, your finances will be combined soon enough, and you need to be able to talk freely about this stuff.  I wouldn't trash his gift because what's done is done, but I would start to have some frank discussions about your finances.  Once you live together you'll have to deal with it anyway, might as well get a head start.

[limeandpepper]

Call me evil but sometimes I think there is value in being blunt.  I was raised by blunt parents and I am pretty blunt in most of my life - except my husband's in-laws who blow money like crazy - but that is worthy of a separate post.

If you are going to marry this man I think it is ok to tell him the truth.  I think it is the smart thing.  You guys have been dating 3 years.  If you don't address this now it will only get worse.  He also may be trying to show you a nice time based on what marketing has told him most women "want".  Most female mustachians are not like most women. Just be up front about it.  Otherwise you may up with a diamond pendant from one of those jewelry companies that advertise on TV - this is sort of a joke - I told my husband some time ago to never buy me anything that is advertised on TV to women.

Good luck.

Yep, I agree. TapeMouse, I see you're doing a lot of "hinting". Why are you doing all this "hinting" when you're in a serious relationship? You can be upfront without being cruel.

My boyfriend has no qualms about telling me he thinks flowers are a waste of money. And admittedly he's probably lucky that I agree. ;)  I have no qualms about telling him when I think he shouldn't be spending on something in particular. Sometimes he takes it on board, sometimes he justifies it, but either way he's fine with me speaking my mind, as long as I don't nag too much, ha. Our finances are not combined, but we often solicit each others' advice and opinions on whether we should make a purchase or not.

As others have said, there is no need to dwell on the past and don't make him feel terrible about it, but moving forward, don't be afraid to say things like: "I'm really not interested in x, if you'd like to make me happy, I'd rather you do y instead." and "Instead of spending on z, why don't you make it at home instead? I can show you how to do it and it will be better for you."

[oldtoyota]

One reason my DH liked me is because I could walk into a store and come out without having bought anything.

Your BF may attach spending to showing love. I had a parent like that. I

One idea is to show a LOT of appreciation for the non-spendy thigns he does that you like so well. Give him positive reinforcement.

[Mr Mark]

I'll go against the grain: he tried to do something nice for you, and it didn't meet your expectations. How did 3-nights + shows/eating/transportation/drinks/etc come in under $500 for a couple btw?

Sidenote: you're over-reacting. Just drop some additional hints that you would have rather saved the money. But be subtle about it.

+1 on that. Don't overreact. Have a discussion, gently, and talk about how you see things generally, goals, bogle, vanguard, playing the frugality game. FI.

But in the end, it's not the one off $500 bucks of extravagant gesture per se, but if it represents a continuing wastfulness. I always think cashflow!

So don't forget to enjoy it while it happens! Have fun.

[lizzigee]

"(I believe I currently make a bit more than him) "

You've been going out together for 3 years, you're planning on moving in together as a precursor to getting married, and you don't know what he earns? The amount is not important, but the fact you're obviously not talking finances is.  How can you be planning a future together without discussing (not hinting about) goals, lifestyles, who's going to pay for what....  And maybe the 'your money, my money , our money' approach might be a good start.  If you can both agree on how much you will each contribute to bills, savings for the future etc, then what he does with the rest of his money is not something that you need to bother about.

[limeandpepper]

But he also really likes the idea of working for himself.  Not in the sense of being a freelance developer who does contract work, but in the sense of being his own boss and developing his own projects.  Which is great... but you have to have something to live off of while you do that.

In regards to this:

My boyfriend is a freelancer who does contract work, and additionally, he also works on his own projects which may or may not pay. I have been upfront (there's that word again) and told him that he can do what he likes, as long as he can support himself financially and be responsible for himself. We're both on the same page with this.

My advice is to figure out what you are comfortable with, and discuss it with him.

[FrugalAussie]

How you and your partner express love and know you are loved could differ. I really enjoyed reading The 5 Love Languages  by Gary Chapman.  I didn't necessarily agree with it all, but it did confirm for me what I need and what my partner needs so we feel loved. We're quite similar in that neither of us appreciate gifts (we don't exchange gifts at Christmas time) but like it when something is done for us eg. I really enjoy him bringing me a cup of tea while I'm still in bed before he goes to work.

I'm also in a long distance relationship, it's hard but in some ways communicating about future goals, money etc is less stressful because we do it via email and Skype, it feels like there is less emotion involved and I have time to think something through before putting it in an email, I find it much easier to be honest about what I want.

Good luck.
 

[rubybeth]

You've gotten some decent advice so far. I would just add that the introductory/dating part of the relationship where he wants to impress and dote on you doesn't usually last forever. After a couple of years, there will be plenty of practical things to tackle together. Don't be in too much of a hurry to squash the romantic things...

I concur. This was a "big romantic gesture" kind of thing, and likely won't happen as much after you get married when you have larger shared financial goals. I also second the person(s) who said to sit down with a financial planner or just go over financial expectations in marriage prior to trying the knot. This doesn't need to be a deal breaker, and if you communicate lovingly that handling money in a careful, considered way is important to you and your long-term happiness, he will likely be understanding. Men sometimes like to feel like they are the 'provider' or that they are 'taking care of' their partner, and if you let him know that having a healthy cushion in the bank makes you feel cared for, that can be super powerful.

Another thought: trips may cost a lot, but they involve the creation of special memories. I often cringe at the cost of plane tickets, hotels, eating out, tickets for museums, etc. while on vacation, but I hardly ever regret the wonderful experiences and memories with my husband. You can't really put a price on something priceless.

Couldn't you just ask to next time be included on the vacation plans?

I also second this. You can say "I don't really like to be surprised with trips, and would prefer to help in planning--it's a lot more fun if I get to help plan!" which is actually true for me (I enjoy the planning almost as much as the trip... rosy prospection), or something like "I really like that you surprised me with such a generous gift! But don't feel like you have to do that very often... a $5 bouquet from the grocery store would have been just as sweet."

Also, I'd suggest reading the book "The Five Love Languages" together, and figuring out what your love languages are (if you haven't already). It's not a preachy relationship book, but an interesting insight into the ways we express and receive love. If you're not a 'surprises and gifts' kind of person, he should learn this and adapt to your preferred language, and you can adapt to his. You may learn that his love language is gifts, and so that's how he tends to express his love, as well. The book helps explain that even gifts need not be expensive, but rather a reflection of the time spent thinking about the other person (a handmade card, a lovely feather or stone picked up on a walk, a flower picked from your garden, etc.).

ETA: didn't realize the poster above (FrugalAussie) also recommended the book! Must mean it's good. ;)

[MountainFlower]

Just be up front about it.  Otherwise you may up with a diamond pendant from one of those jewelry companies that advertise on TV - this is sort of a joke - I told my husband some time ago to never buy me anything that is advertised on TV to women.

No, you were smart.  My husband "surprised" me one Christmas with diamond earrings.  We couldn't afford diamond earrings and I didn't want them.  They were over $2K.  I wasn't gracious and it was terrible.  It was after a trip to the wedding of his cousin.  His mom and sister were adorned in pearls and jewelry, while  I, being a plain jane, just didn't even think to bring anything, so I borrowed some earrings.   No big deal, or so I thought.  Well, a couple months later, there were those earrings.  UGH! 

[daymare]

Yep, I agree. TapeMouse, I see you're doing a lot of "hinting". Why are you doing all this "hinting" when you're in a serious relationship? You can be upfront without being cruel.

Totally agree with this.  As adults in a loving relationship, you should be able to discuss what you want and how you feel without getting accusatory or hurtful.  I have definitely at time been upset or disappointed with what my boyfriend has done (or, more often, didn't do), but have since come to really appreciate how great it is to be clear about what you want, and how unreasonable it is for me to expect my amazing boyfriend to read my mind.  Obviously your guy cares a lot for you and wants to make you happy.  I agree with what others have suggested -- instead of being accusatory or harping on that particular vacation, just focus on how you loved that he was willing to set up an entire vacation for you, how great it feels to know he's thinking of you, etc.  And then get specific about what he does that makes you happy.

Definitely agree that at this point, it makes sense to be talking about your finances.  I personally am really big into finances/investing/simplifying and optimizing my life, so I'm totally an open book and share a lot about my own finances and goals.  Being open about your own situation and sharing your goals, etc, is a great way to get the conversation started.  Good luck!

[rubybeth]

Yep, I agree. TapeMouse, I see you're doing a lot of "hinting". Why are you doing all this "hinting" when you're in a serious relationship? You can be upfront without being cruel.

Totally agree with this.  As adults in a loving relationship, you should be able to discuss what you want and how you feel without getting accusatory or hurtful.  I have definitely at time been upset or disappointed with what my boyfriend has done (or, more often, didn't do), but have since come to really appreciate how great it is to be clear about what you want, and how unreasonable it is for me to expect my amazing boyfriend to read my mind. . .Definitely agree that at this point, it makes sense to be talking about your finances.

Ditto all of the above. Men definitely aren't mind-readers (neither are women, for that matter), and you should be able to have honest, open discussion about pretty much anything with the person you might marry. It might be a bit uncomfortable at first, but if you frame money discussions in terms of short range and then long-term goals, that can be really helpful. My DH and I recently had a MMM discussion which I initiated by saying, "So, how frugal are you willing to be in order to retire from full-time work in about 10 years?" and he considered it for a moment and then said, "Pretty darn frugal, if there's a goal we are working toward." I think discussing your friend's wedding might be a good opportunity to open this up without being hurtful. And I say this as someone who is incredibly blunt. :)

Also, I think if you've been with this person for 3 years, and are headed toward marriage, you should find out what he makes and his monthly expenses before moving in together. Before we got engaged, we also agreed who would pay which bills once we were living together (until we merged accounts, which took a few years because there are so freakin' many of them) and what kind of savings we were each comfortable with (I like to have more in easily accessible savings, so my DH lets me decide on that amount), etc.

Financial issues are the number one reason for divorce, and communication problems are close behind. Money shows you where a person's priorities are and can reveal all kinds of things (addictions, cheating, etc.). Having clear expectations prior to marriage is key.