How to avoid discouraging people who ask for advice

[frugalecon]

So I am wondering how other people handle requests for advice when the requesters are likely to be very discouraged by what you tell them. My sister and her husband are in full hair-on-fire situation and are slowly realizing they need to make some changes. I won't go through the particulars, except to note that it involves a healthy six-figure income (pretty deep into six figures), two financed BMWs, and no real savings. They asked for advice about how to prepare for retirement (he is in his mid-fifties, she is a bit younger). I said a few words and told them I would send an email.

Given their spending, and their late start, I worry anything I would say would so discourage them that they would conclude that there is basically no point in even starting saving. But I want them to save so that they won't be in complete poverty! Any ideas on what can be an effective message?

[MikeBear]

Send them this one link: http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2012/01/13/the-shockingly-simple-math-behind-early-retirement/

IF they read through that and don't get so excited they can't sleep for all the planning, there's no hope for them just yet, as they aren't ready enough to make the changes needed...

[EricL]

If they're totally hopeless consumers, yeah they're pretty screwed. Dog food entrées are definitely in their future.  (Which wine goes best with Alpo? Red, White or Ripple?).  But if they're even reasonably intelligent there's no real reason they can't parlay a deep six-figure income into a healthy, even somewhat wealthy, traditional retirement in 10 years. 

[MoneyCat]

People either get it or they don't.  And they need to be in the right state of mind to get it.  It's really up to you to determine whether they have the maturity to handle the lifestyle changes that Mustachianism requires.  Some people will never be able to make that kind of transition.

[chicagomeg]

I would start by picking small things that have big returns. For example, trading in one BMW for a cheaper but still nice (not necessarily fully mustachian) car. Get them started on that, then if they are receptive, approach them about tougher changes.

[Breaker]

Hi,

If they are discouraged, remind them that millions of people lost most of their retirement savings after 2008.  All of them are doing their best (or should be) to rebuilt their retirement plans.  So your Sister and her husband won't be that far behind a lot of people.  And they have the advantage of a large income.

Also, if all else fails, ask them how much worse off they will be in 10 years if they DON'T do something. 

Let them tell you what they think they can do before you offer any advice.  That way they know that you are listening to them and their situation.  Not just spouting some one size fits all formula.

Good luck, I'm sure you will be able to give them some help.

Jan

[Caoineag]

I have always encouraged people to change one thing at a time. Too many changes all at once and they tend to give up. Walk them through their options and have them pick one to change now. Once they have finished that, they can work on the next item. Goes with the whole baby steps theme. My spendaholic friends have done best with that since delayed gratification isn't their thing so too many financial chores at once require shopping binges of epic proportions. Sigh. But I did get one of my friends all the way from that to saving for retirement and at least contemplating saving for early retirement. Progress.

[Cap_Scarlet]

You avoid discouraging people by not assuming they have the same terms of reference and priorities as you.  So listening first to what those priorities, what the persons concerns are and understanding their existing knowledge.....preferably before spouting off your gospel ;-)

[Thegoblinchief]

If you've read the many case studies on the blog or here on the forums, approach it that way. Usually with high income individuals there are at least a few very easy wins. Cars, eating out a lot, expensive shopping habits?

[hybrid]

It's entirely possible that your relatives are the sorts of people that will always live up to (and beyond) their income. These people are sadly a dime a dozen, and the reality is they have to pull a 180 later in life. I am a firm believer that people are like wet cement, as they age that cement gets firmer and firmer, big changes become harder and harder. It's easy to make big changes when one is 25, less so when one is 55 and has to break a thirty year cycle of bad habits. It is doable however, the missus and I aren't all that different demographically from your relatives and we made a lot of those changes (we did have a much better starting point in all fairness, it wasn't that radical for us). The biggest question I would ask you is how willing are your relatives to change?  Be completely honest here, if these are folks that can see their financial problems but are entirely too set in their ways then they will continue to live with those problems.

[MrFancypants]

In my opinion, the very first step is to attempt to personally identify with where the person is coming from.  If you can't do that, you may not be the right person to be giving advice anyway.

I've found that if you can come from a place of "I've been there, here's how I dealt with it..." people tend to be encouraged because on a basic level they know that there's a way out.

[soccerluvof4]

I think some people just say they are worried or concerned to cover there tracts with how people perceive them. They act like they have concerns and are worried but is more just so people don't judge them and say " I cant believe they don't care ". To answer your question I would give them a few tools and simply say get a better understanding of how and what you need to do buy joining these blogs...namely MMM , a few other suggestions. Offer up a few good books to read like The overspent American, Start Late Finish Rich or the Millionaire Next door, your money or your life so they can read about themselves. If they get back to you and say " Wow that book was so good" and or I really like MMM then I think you can take it to the next step. But I believe in show me! I have way to friends/ people I know that say they need to make changes in there life, act  like there concerned but its more to not be judged. Its like working out " I am going to start Monday" but Monday comes and they dont start. Besides why not start today. Good Luck! its tough unless the person really wants to make a change without someone getting pissed off so for now I would take some baby steps!

[frugalecon]

Thanks for the suggestions, I appreciate them. I will see if I can put some of them to work. Their life is very different from mine, so it will be a challenge to try to relate to where they are at.