How Often Do You Visit Out of Town Family?

[freeazabird]

My husband and I both live far away from our families. We tend to spend quite a bit on traveling to see both our families once a year. I would like to cut back our visits to save money, but dont want to hurt anyone's feelings. We had our first baby recently and everyone is dying to see her, so the pressure is on to travel. Both our families have little money so they cannot come to us. I was wondering how often others go to see their families that require plane travel? Do you set aside a budget for this?

[SaintM]

We might take a plane trip to see family once every three years. Probably drive down one more time in those three years. Bryond that, it's on them to visit us. There are too many other places I would like to see.

[caliq]

DH and I just flew from CT to WI to visit his family over the holidays; this is the first time I've met them ("courthouse" wedding) and the first time he's been back since he moved away at the beginning of 2012.  I think we'll probably end up going back every 2 to 3 years until we move there in 6 years or so.  Both sets of his parents have the ability to travel here (they frequently do motorcycle road trips), but they keep choosing to go west instead of east...so we don't feel too guilty about it!  And my parents are local so that's a non-issue. 

If we had a baby I would probably do once a year visits and try to make them a bit longer (like 3 weeks?).  I don't know if your parents and your husbands' parents live in the same area though...if they were very far apart that would make things more complicated/expensive.  And if we traveled there more regularly, I would put it in the budget but for now I just take it out of general savings.

Edit: I should have specified that I'm still a student so 3 weeks between semesters is totally doable for me -- I didn't think about vacation time/leaving work piling up that long. Sorry :)

[freeazabird]

My family lives in Detroit, his family live in Milwaukee. We spend about $2,500 a year visiting them. This amount will go up once our kid needs a plane ticket and if we decide to have more children. I'd like to take turns visiting one of our families each year, but I feel bad that they will not see our daughter more.

[mxt0133]

If you must fly to see them start using airline miles or rewards points to pay for tickets.  It can save you a ton.  Also after a few trips both of you don't have to go, one of you can just stay home.

Search for rewards points or travel hacking.

[MayDay]

Last city we lived in:  3.5 hours from my parents, and saw them once a month, taking turns driving.  They are VERY HELPFUL so we were happy to visit lots as they helped with the kdis/babies let us sleep in, etc.  In -laws:  16 hour drive or more realistically, a plane ride.  Visited once a year, they visit once every 2-3 years.  Not due to $$$, it just wasn't a priority for them and/or they are set in their ways (we were the first family to ever move far away).

Current city:  12 hour drive from my parents, and we visit them once or sometimes twice a year (the second time is if they pay for plane tickets usually).  They visit us 2-3 times a year.  In-laws:  2 hour drive.  We visit them 2-3 times a year, they visit us 2-3 times a year.  So basically we often see my parents more!  Sad, really. 

The biggest issue for visiting the far away relatives has always been vacation time, and as you add more kids, plane ticket $$$ starts to be a bigger and bigger factor.  One week-long visit a year feels the most reasonable, with a second added time/money permitting.  But don't feel obligated to do a 2nd one if they can't be bothered to visit you.  We did pay FIL's ticket once as that was cheaper than flying all of us to visit him. 

Also don't underestimate the possible suckitude of traveling with a baby or toddler.  We had the trip from HELL when DS was 2 years 3 months, when he decided not to sleep for an entire week long trip to visit my family.  Yah, we stayed home for a good long while after that debacle.  We also had a trip when he was 3.5 years old when he decided not to poop "until he got home".  Several days later, we realized he was serious.  So. 

Don't assume it will be terrible, but also don't count on it being as easy as it was pre-kid.  Don't try to hop between 43 different relatives houses in a week-long trip, for example.

[galliver]

Disclaimer: I'm 26, grad student, cohabitating, no children yet/soon. I value seeing my family in person quite highly.

In a word, 1x/year for a week is/was my lower limit (this was the winter holidays). This is for seeing my parents and sisters, who I am close to, and home was 2000 miles away at the time, so a solid 4-6 hr flight. Oh, and my best friend from childhood would come back from college and has since moved back semi-permanently to the area, so I got to see her, too. We have since moved closer (5hr drive, still no joke) and visit more often (it worked out to 1x/mo lately although some of those were incidental; e.g. my bf had to go up to that area for work, and I had a conference there...that sort of thing...we'll probably scale back this spring/summer)

I've also had relatives in another country (12+hr, $1k+flight, typically), and when my sisters and I were young we went to visit once in 3 years. The grandparents that could travel came out in between...my parents may have bought or subsidized the tickets. (Is this an option for you?)

[caliq]

My family lives in Detroit, his family live in Milwaukee. We spend about $2,500 a year visiting them. This amount will go up once our kid needs a plane ticket and if we decide to have more children. I'd like to take turns visiting one of our families each year, but I feel bad that they will not see our daughter more.

Can either set of them go from Detroit -> Milwaukee or M -> D while you visit the other set?  It's a 6 hour drive or 1 hour plane ride according to google

[rocketpj]

Used to try to visit my parents in Alberta once in summer and once in winter.  3 years ago they moved into the next town (to be closer to their grandchildren and, presumably, me).  Now I see them several times a week, and it is much better (they are great with the kids too).

In laws don't live much further away, but the ferry seems to be a barrier for them (and us).  It's a full day each way and $200 round trip (plus gas etc).  For whatever reason we see them maybe 4-5 times/year.  In fairness my MIL is still working.  I think my brother in law still lives with them some of the time and they don't find themselves missing their kids yet  (they certainly still treat us as if we are wayward teens in their house, despite both of us being well into our 40s).

[ambimammular]

Feels like I complain(y-pants) on this topic twice a year as our travel days approach.

We fly (4 of us) to see the in-laws for a big chunk of the summer, and drive to see my folks (16 hrs) over winter break. I hate that it is such a huge part of our spending. We would slaughter that student loan if we funnel the travel budget to it for a few years.

Also, I wish we hadn't gone visiting at all the first few years, because plane rides with a colicky baby are insane. Looking back, seriously? Seriously!?!
If they all wanted to meet the baby so much they should have come here, but I was the only one with that opinion. (Due to the nature of MIL's job, she can't get away for longer than overnight.)

The kids LOVE their Gramma though!! She's pretty amazing. Just too far away. When we FIRE we'll be heading her way.

[Nudelkopf]

Single & 23yo.. So.. No one else to visit at Christmas time.

I see my parents 2-3 times a year. I fly (between $300-$400 return). I normally stay between 2 and 4 weeks.

[deborah]

7.5 hour drive to my parents, and 7.5 hour drive back at least 14 times a year.

[crazylemon]

Parents - 6 hours train journey visit 6 times a year ish
Other UK based family 1-2 times a year
Non UK based family - once every few years (unless they happen to be seeing my parents)

This will probably drop even further next year.

[HappyMargo]

In-Laws: in Southeast US.
My Family: in Midwest & upstate New York.
Us: in the West  :-)

We've given up.  Can't possibly see them all.  Everyone is too spread out.  Plus, we got tired of using up all of our allotted vacation time hopping a plane to hang out in e.g. Indianapolis.

Now when we travel, family is invited along.  Whoever can arrange it (time & $-wise) joins us.  (My father has passed so I have covered my Mom's expenses.)  With this arrangement everyone gets to go someplace fun & we've had some great adventures together.

[kyanamerinas]

my parents are 4 hours away train or car. just married so finding new schedules but we'll probably see them on their own (at theirs) 4-5 times a year.
these visits are generally timed to overlap with other family events so over new year we saw all my side in 4 days. outside that, both my mum and dad's side do periodic big meet-ups about 3 or 4 times a year. we aim to get to at least 2 (usually the christmas one and one other).

[RetiredAt63]

This is going to be a bit more general, as my situation now is so different from yours.  But if you are going to have the "old folks" like me on here, you might as well learn from our mistakes, eh?

New baby - you are a "family" now (not that you weren't before, but now it should be obvious to your parents).  Your visits will/should change, accept that fact.  Most importantly, the "major" holiday visits will change (for Canadians that is usually Christmas, for Americans I get the impression it is more Thanksgiving).  And of course everyone wants to see the baby.  But your travel priorities and family priorities have to be set now, or soon, or you will be hauling kids all over the place to keep family happy, and you will not necessarily be happy.  I speak from experience, we did it wrong. We had a 3 hour drive to one set of parents, then a three hour drive to the other set of parents, then a 3 hour drive home - and every year we did that over Christmas, when the roads can be bad (one year we drove in what was almost a blizzard, nerve-wracking).  Because we didn't stand firm.  And we kept doing it after DD came, so our family Christmas tradition was set up the tree, enjoy pre-Christmas at home, and then get in the car and drive.  Not the best memories for DD.  Or us.  I have always felt that we would have been a stronger family if we had put our little nuclear family ahead of both sets of parents.  And yes, I am now divorced.  How much did that contribute, who can say?  But I sure felt that I was lower priority than his parents.  They were the ones who pushed for us to come, mine were much more "come when you can, no issues".  Who has higher priority for each of you, your parents or your spouse?  I was at a wedding once where the priest pointed out that the "others" in "forsaking all others" includes your parents, so now your spouse comes ahead of your parents - I thought that was a good message for the parents to hear.

Travel points (for when you do go) and Skype will save you.  A friend of mine bought a tablet for her mother (who is an ocean away), her daughter visited and got it all set up, and now they all Skype all the time and everyone is much happier.  Plus the daughter is meeting cousins over Skype that she had never met when she visited, since they can also pop onto Skype.

Side comment - all this visiting is because travel is relatively inexpensive.  Everyone here (except Native Americans) comes from a family that immigrated and probably never expected to have contact with the "old country" except by mail.

[Apples]

We live down the street from a lot of my extended family.  My 6-months-married DH's family lives 600 miles from here and he's the first child to really move away from home.  We visit twice a year-switch Thanksgiving and Christmas, and once in spring.  Every time his mom starts on the guilt trip about not seeing us enough, we both firmly and politely say we will host them here any week they want to come visit us, we'd be happy to have them.  We also point out limited vacation time.  We don't have kids yet.  Right now the plan is that when we do, we keep this up the first year or two while steadily laying the groundwork to always stay home for Christmas once the kiddos hit toddlerhood and Santa matters.  Which will mean permanent Christmas with my family (for at least a decade anyway) and permanent Thanksgiving with his, and I'm not sure about that second annual visit, we'll see.

But it's going to be hell to stand our ground against his mom.  His parents have some major money issues, so they can't really save up enough for the gas to come visit us and go out to eat a few times (which his mother loves doing).  In fact, they're still paying off coming to our wedding, which was supposed to be a two week vacation and turned into 4 days and calling us asking for money, which we politely refused.  So I'll be surprised if they visit us more than once every 5 years or so at this point.

[midweststache]

We had our first baby recently and everyone is dying to see her, so the pressure is on to travel. Both our families have little money so they cannot come to us. I was wondering how often others go to see their families that require plane travel? Do you set aside a budget for this?

This might just be me, but I feel like if you want to see someone with a small child, you go to them. I know money is tight for them, but if this is a priority they can make it happen. Traveling with children is difficult, particularly if it's a long distance and you're flying; plus, if your little one is little enough, there's all kinds of health risks (hello, Disney measles outbreak). I would politely say that you're staying local until you feel like the little one can travel. Perhaps you can Skype until then? Sure, it's not cuddling a little one, but it's more intimate and personal than pictures.

We go home 2-3 times a year, but "not local" is a five-hour rental-car trip for us: once in the summer, and then Thanksgiving and Christmas. We'll probably skip Thanksgiving this year, both for finances and work.

[I'm a red panda]

We make the 17 hour drive to family about twice a year.  Early in our marriage it was 4-5 times a year until I put my foot down.  I miss my nieces and nephews, but it is just too much.

We also tend to do an extended family vacation every 3-5 years.



If your family cannot afford to come see your new baby- can you pay for THEM to travel? 

[rubybeth]

Most of our immediate family are pretty local, but DH's father lives in Cananda (Canadian Rockies, so nowhere near Minnesota), and we have extended family flung far and wide. We see them when we can, but we don't make a special effort to see anyone out of state. Maybe that's horrible, I don't know, but that's how it is for us right now, with no kids.

I'd echo what others have mentioned: you now have a baby, and things are likely going to change. If people want to see the baby, they should visit you, unless it's somehow very easy for you to visit them. I liked the idea of offering to pay for one trip, if they don't have the funds.

[Angie55]

We try to rotate parents every year. Mine one year, his the next. My parents have started visiting once per year. His have visited NEVER. DH gets really emotional and bent out of shape about it even though its been 8 years of this. I love them but if its not their priority I really don't want to make up the difference. They are teachers and have the entire summer off meanwhile our time is limited. I would consider paying for tickets for them to visit but I don't think that's 100% of the issue.

Luckily once we moved halfway across the country we cut out the notion of visiting on holidays. I'm really glad we set that precedent and wish we had done it earlier. When we lived in DC we would go to work the day before thanksgiving. Take a nap. Then drive overnight to Boston. Driving overnight kept the added time from traffic under 4 hours. We would do the same on the way back then go to work on that Monday. Not worth my sanity.

Trips to family are about a third of our vacation budget but the worst part is time off. I only get 15 days per year and there's so much else I want to do. It takes the better part of the day to travel to the east coast. If we go during the winter we inevitably get stuck at least once. At least we started going in the summer so we could enjoy activities together instead of being cooped up and "talking" on the couch while the TV is on non-stop.

[begood]

We had elderly parents and spent many, many years using up 2/3 of our vacation making twice-yearly trips to see them. We're now down to one parent, who's hanging in there at 95. We still try to get down to see him twice a year at least, but now we make shorter trips. It's a relatively easy (meaning predictable) 8-hour drive.

I joke about following our only child wherever she goes. We probably won't end up doing that, but I can see how we might be tempted.

[Cookie78]

When I'd first moved away I went back 2-3 times a year (8-9 hours drive). During the summer and at Christmas, sometimes spring break. Now that me and my siblings are all older, and 2 of them that still live near my parents have their own families I feel it's less meaningful to be there at Christmas, since they are all doing their own family things.

Now I usually go once or twice a year, in the summer and hunting season.

My parents are great about not being pushy about it. They come visit me on occasion, especially my mom, or tag along on trips I am doing anyway. Dad is coming with me and my brother (and others) to Peru in May.

One of the big reasons I am looking forward to FIRE is so that I can spend more time there. 

[randommadness]

Single, 28 y/o male.

Never. Since I moved out of state, I went back for 2012 Thanksgiving and 2013 Thanksgiving, but they live in BFE and I absolutely hate going out there. (2-2.5 hours from LAX into the middle of the Mojave Desert). When I did go back I spent maybe 3-5 hours each time at their house before returning to my friends in LA to stay. 2014 I had to travel in September for a wedding, my folks met me in the town where I was staying to do dinner.

We are a no news is good news sort of family. I make an effort to call every couple weeks, which is more than they call me. Haven't been visited yet, but I think its more of a I-need-to-push-for-it so they don't feel like they are bothering me.

I see my aunt and her kids when I see my grandparents. (my folks). Haven't seen my uncle or his family in 4 or 5 years, I'd like to try and get down to see him this year.

[mm1970]

Hubby and I are on the West Coast, families on the East Coast, and they are an 8 hour drive apart.

So, we've been married 18 years.  For the first several years, we went to visit both families every year, in separate long-weekend or week trips (4-7 days).

After we had our first kid, we kept this up for about one year (so, by the time my son was 18 months, he'd been to PA and NY, and then a vacation to HI, then to NM).

Then we switched to every OTHER year.

So since about 2007, we visit in the summer almost exclusively, we make ONE trip, and it's 2 weeks long.  Fly into Pittsburgh, spend 5-7 days, drive or take a train to Upstate NY, spend 5-7 days, fly home from there.

It's much more relaxing because it's only ONE plane trip, it's a nice long trip.

I know that our kids grow fast and that family wants to see them more often.  We have since added another baby (he's actually 2.5 years old now, so, toddler). 

One way we got around it is to fly the grandmas out almost annually.  I would fly my mother out every year up until a year before she died (he health wouldn't allow it).  It was way cheaper than 3 plane tickets and she had a completely flexible schedule so her ticket was never more than $300.

When we had the second baby we flew my MIL out to stay with us for 2 weeks.  And we gave her a gift cert to SW Airlines for her 70th birthday and she used it to come out the following year. 

At some point, for your own sanity (depending on your personality), you are going to want to cut back trips. They are expensive.  People get sick on planes.  It's  pain to fly (though easier with one kid vs. two).   And we have limited vacation days - and many of them are set by the school.  I want to travel and see new places with the kids and I don't want to literally use every vacation day to see family.

Every other year means on alternate years, we get to vacation.

[mm1970]

Also don't underestimate the possible suckitude of traveling with a baby or toddler.  We had the trip from HELL when DS was 2 years 3 months, when he decided not to sleep for an entire week long trip to visit my family.  Yah, we stayed home for a good long while after that debacle.  We also had a trip when he was 3.5 years old when he decided not to poop "until he got home".  Several days later, we realized he was serious.  So. 

HA!!

[mm1970]

This is going to be a bit more general, as my situation now is so different from yours.  But if you are going to have the "old folks" like me on here, you might as well learn from our mistakes, eh?

New baby - you are a "family" now (not that you weren't before, but now it should be obvious to your parents).  Your visits will/should change, accept that fact.  Most importantly, the "major" holiday visits will change (for Canadians that is usually Christmas, for Americans I get the impression it is more Thanksgiving).  And of course everyone wants to see the baby.  But your travel priorities and family priorities have to be set now, or soon, or you will be hauling kids all over the place to keep family happy, and you will not necessarily be happy.  I speak from experience, we did it wrong. We had a 3 hour drive to one set of parents, then a three hour drive to the other set of parents, then a 3 hour drive home - and every year we did that over Christmas, when the roads can be bad (one year we drove in what was almost a blizzard, nerve-wracking).  Because we didn't stand firm.  And we kept doing it after DD came, so our family Christmas tradition was set up the tree, enjoy pre-Christmas at home, and then get in the car and drive.  Not the best memories for DD.  Or us.  I have always felt that we would have been a stronger family if we had put our little nuclear family ahead of both sets of parents.  And yes, I am now divorced.  How much did that contribute, who can say?  But I sure felt that I was lower priority than his parents.  They were the ones who pushed for us to come, mine were much more "come when you can, no issues".  Who has higher priority for each of you, your parents or your spouse?  I was at a wedding once where the priest pointed out that the "others" in "forsaking all others" includes your parents, so now your spouse comes ahead of your parents - I thought that was a good message for the parents to hear.

Travel points (for when you do go) and Skype will save you.  A friend of mine bought a tablet for her mother (who is an ocean away), her daughter visited and got it all set up, and now they all Skype all the time and everyone is much happier.  Plus the daughter is meeting cousins over Skype that she had never met when she visited, since they can also pop onto Skype.

Side comment - all this visiting is because travel is relatively inexpensive.  Everyone here (except Native Americans) comes from a family that immigrated and probably never expected to have contact with the "old country" except by mail.

OUCH!  We spend Christmas at home, in California, almost every year.  We call our families.  Sometimes we vacation over Thanksgiving or Christmas because we are on the school schedule and we are off, but it's generally a short, driving trip.

The last time we went to the northeast for Christmas was in 2011, when my mother had been ill.  I had a bad feeling about it and we decided to go in the winter (bad roads) instead of the summer.  She died the day after I got there. :(  Still glad we went.

We much prefer holidays with the nuclear family with the exception - I would like my kids to experience a "white Christmas" at some point.  My older son saw it in 2011.  (I was pregnant with the younger.)  So likely we'll head east for Christmas some year.

[retired?]

Funny.  Been discussing this recently with siblings.

All relatives are over 1k miles away.  Florida, Texas, Oregon, PA, and Alaska.  Our viewpoint once we had two kids has been:

a)  until they cannot travel, it is easier and cheaper for retired grandparents to visit us, schedule-wise and cost.
b)  started trying to occasionally do family trips to a location new to all.  Have done this a few times.  We always take the lead in planning so, while it takes time, we get more input.  Mexico, Pacific NW, NC Coast.  It is a vacation for all and we get to see each other.

Visiting grandparents in the burbs of DC or Philly just wasn't worth the effort.  Not much interesting to see if you grew up there and/or lived there a while.  I am/was particular with how I used my vaca days.

That said, now that one set lives near the beach, we are happy to visit as frequent as we can.  Still an effort.

[OldDogNewTrick]

We only visit when someone is sick or scheduled for surgery. The kids visit us. Before they turned 30 we sent travel money, but not any more. Of course, that means the holiday celebrations happen in our dining room. I'm waiting on the day one of my daughters/in law/SO wants to host at their home. Waiting.

[Zikoris]

I take the Greyhound out to visit my dad once a year. He comes to my city maybe two or three times a year as well. My mom lives in a very remote area (think bush planes and wilderness) and I never go there, but she visits my city once or twice a year.

We're thinking of taking a vacation to Singapore in the next year or two, which would double as a visit to my boyfriend's extended family. That would be the first time he's been there since he was a very young child.

[Random]

Alaska to New England 2x per year.  Visiting Alaska is a once in a lifetime experience.  In the other direction, the expectation is quite different.  It gets a bit old.

[Mr. Frugalwoods]

We live in Boston and Mrs. FW's folks live in San Diego.  Hard to get much farther away than that in the continental US! :-)

We go out there once a year, usually in January or February (just got back last weekend).  We're flexible on exactly when, which really makes a difference in getting cheap flights.  This year we managed to snag $216 round trip direct flights.  Score!

Some years they come visit us in the summer, some years not.  It would be nice to be closer, but they love living there... and we love living here!

[YK-Phil]

Never. Or should I say not regularly. I left home at 17 for university and found my first job in the Arctic before finishing my master, and never went back home except perhaps once every year or two for a weeklong visit or to drop the kids to my mom's for the summer, when they were children. My mom visited me at least once a year even when I lived in the most remote Arctic postings -she is coming to spend six weeks with us in two weeks, but my dad never did since I left more than thirty years ago. I think I saw him less than a dozen times in that period. Even if overall I was lucky to have an exciting and unusual life and career, I miss my family and not being close is something I somewhat regret, especially for my kids who never had the chance of knowing any of their relatives.

[mama]

We are a family of 4 - kids are 2 and 4.  In general, it's important to us that we see our parents, siblings, and my kids' cousins sometimes.   We live within an hour of husband's parents now.  When we lived halfway across the country from them (and driving distance to my parents), we flew approximately 2x/yr to visit them, though we had 0 or 1 kid to pay for then.  They rarely visited us, I think his dad/stepmom came out once in over 5 years.  His mom came following the birth of each child.  They are old enough that they have time and money, but not so old that they can't travel so it did irk me a little that they just didn't really motivate themselves to travel but would want to skype weekly which is no substitute for actually seeing little kids.

We now fly 2x/yr to visit my family, typically a week at Christmas and a week in summer.  We are able to do this relatively cheaply by parking in the economy lot, flying southwest, being a little flexible in our dates and times of travel - like taking the red eye or traveling on dec 24th instead of the 22nd or 23rd.  We can usually get away with not even renting a car.  The kids love visiting their grandparents, they have a house that is comfortable for us all to stay, husband and I can go out on dates or out to see friends with free babysitting, and they live in a city with lots of stuff to do.  My mom visits us for a weekend 4 or 5 times a year - stepdad joins about half the time.  Every three years or so they rent a nice vacation house for a week and all their kids/grandkids go there.

I do think in the future we'll possibly pull back a bit since travel is not cheap - we should probably be focusing on buying a house etc, husband gets not much time off, and we may actually want to take kids other places when they're older or just stay home for holidays.  Perhaps we'll rent a vacation condo somewhere and urge my folks to join us at some point, though their budget and tastes are way fancier than ours so I'm not sure that will work out.  Right now, our kids are way too little to appreciate most touristy/cultural stuff, so we're not much motivated to take them anywhere else.

[netskyblue]

My parents are 1.5 hours away.  I see them a little less frequently than monthly, maybe 8-9 times a year.

My sister is 45 minutes away, and I see her go to her house maybe once every 2-3 months, though I often see her when I visit my parents (we visit at the same time).

My aunt is 30 minutes away, and I might average once a month to her house.

My other sister has lived in Florida for a year and a half (I'm in Iowa), and I've not visited her there.  We Facetime though.  She's moving to Washington state soon, and I'd like to visit once, this year or next.  Especially since she has a baby now!

[AlwaysBeenASaver]

No children, so he visits his family, I visit mine. Sometimes we go together but not often. We each aim to see each member of our immediate family at least once a year. Last year, which was fairly typical, it was 2 flights for me, 1 flight for him, 1 flight together, 1 long car trip for him, 1 long car trip together. We also have visits from family members to our home. In a typical year we probably have 4 different visit from people at different times. I hope to see family members more often once I FIRE.

[Capsu78]

I have seen both sides of this coin.  I left the East Coast 2 weeks after graduating college and never lived in the same time zone as my parents again.  Did not spend one Christmas or Thanksgiving with them ever, managed to visit, or they me about once every 3 years.  I pretty much fell in line with my wife's family and we would all jockey for hosting rights in a "3 hour drive" triangle in Northern California.
Cue 1990, big corporate move for my wife- in Chicago.  We now have no family in the same time zone.  Upside- a lot of Christmas days where I never got out of my sweatpants.  As a business traveler, I worked with all my might to wrap up travel before mid November.
Cue to today... we are blessed- both of our daughters are married and have houses 10 minutes away.  Now it's regularly scheduled Sunday dinner, all birthdays, sleepovers with the grand kids on a regular basis. 
My trek to California to find my career, wife and kids is one of my greatest life's accomplishments, but it came at the cost of my parents not being up close and personal with their grandkids.  It is not guilt I feel, but I know we will not be able to relo to a lower COL area when we downsize because of the joy we derive from watching the grandkids grow and our kids become parents.  Major component of our "path of happiness".

[Villanelle]

Less than once a year for the most part, though last year was an anomaly and I made three trips, which two being paid for by my parents, one as a surprise for my dad's 70h birthday, and one so I could dog sit their very special needs dog (and also an excuse for my mom to see me). 

We live overseas, though.

[irishbear99]

Both our families have little money so they cannot come to us.

I don't mean to sound rude, but do both your families really have little money, or do they just spend it on other stuff? My husband and I have been married for 18 years and we have had exactly 2 family members come visit us in that time. Two.

For years there was a script we all followed:
- We'd go visit our families once every 3 years. (We've always lived far away.)
- They'd complain that they don't see us more.
- We'd invite both sides of our families to come visit us.
- They claim poverty pretty much every time.
- Then we'd get to see photos and status updates about their trips to visit other family members, trips to Vegas, cross country motorcycling, etc.

We finally realized the problem isn't that they can't afford to visit us. The problem is that it's not a priority for them to visit us. Which is fine. People can prioritize how they spend their money however they like. We just got sick of them complaining about us not prioritizing visiting, while they do the exact same thing. So we've pretty much decided to vacation when/where/how we want, and leave a standing invitation to our families to take or ignore as they'd like.

Getting back to the OP, I'd gently suggest that your priority should be your little nuclear family (you, your spouse, and your little one). Traveling with an infant is hard. Do what's best for your nuclear family. Let your extended families make their decisions (save money to visit you or not) and live with the consequences of those decisions (to see you and the baby or not). Just my two cents.

[Meggslynn]

Last city we lived in:  3.5 hours from my parents, and saw them once a month, taking turns driving.  They are VERY HELPFUL so we were happy to visit lots as they helped with the kdis/babies let us sleep in, etc.  In -laws:  16 hour drive or more realistically, a plane ride.  Visited once a year, they visit once every 2-3 years.  Not due to $$$, it just wasn't a priority for them and/or they are set in their ways (we were the first family to ever move far away).

Current city:  12 hour drive from my parents, and we visit them once or sometimes twice a year (the second time is if they pay for plane tickets usually).  They visit us 2-3 times a year.  In-laws:  2 hour drive.  We visit them 2-3 times a year, they visit us 2-3 times a year.  So basically we often see my parents more!  Sad, really. 

The biggest issue for visiting the far away relatives has always been vacation time, and as you add more kids, plane ticket $$$ starts to be a bigger and bigger factor.  One week-long visit a year feels the most reasonable, with a second added time/money permitting.  But don't feel obligated to do a 2nd one if they can't be bothered to visit you.  We did pay FIL's ticket once as that was cheaper than flying all of us to visit him. 

Also don't underestimate the possible suckitude of traveling with a baby or toddler.  We had the trip from HELL when DS was 2 years 3 months, when he decided not to sleep for an entire week long trip to visit my family.  Yah, we stayed home for a good long while after that debacle.  We also had a trip when he was 3.5 years old when he decided not to poop "until he got home".  Several days later, we realized he was serious.  So. 
Don't assume it will be terrible, but also don't count on it being as easy as it was pre-kid.  Don't try to hop between 43 different relatives houses in a week-long trip, for example.

Unfortunately we have had similar experiences. We travelled to the Cayman Islands to see family when our son was 7 months old and it went pretty well but everything after that has sucked big time (he is only 3 now) and felt like a waste of money and vacation time. We came home more exhausted then we left. Soon as they crawl/walk/talk/are potty trained all bets are off. I've heard it stays this way for most until 4/5/6

[Rural]

His dad's only half an hour away, so we see them when we're up that way, more now because of checking on them.


His mom mostly comes to us; it's a trip "back home" for her. She's an hour and a half away.


My parents are two and a half hours away; we go 4-5 times a year. I can't resent it, though I did when I was young. My dad spend a year living here, in a travel trailer, four days a week and in his own home, with his wife (my mother) three days a week, helping to build our house. How am I going to complain about a few trips?


Also, I am getting over the hating the holiday visit a bit (though not over hating the holidays). My mother is a Christmas nut, but now I'm starting to see that I won't have (get) to put up with her Christmas obsession for all that many more years. Makes me want more, not less of it.

[mm1970]

Both our families have little money so they cannot come to us.

I don't mean to sound rude, but do both your families really have little money, or do they just spend it on other stuff? My husband and I have been married for 18 years and we have had exactly 2 family members come visit us in that time. Two.

For years there was a script we all followed:
- We'd go visit our families once every 3 years. (We've always lived far away.)
- They'd complain that they don't see us more.
- We'd invite both sides of our families to come visit us.
- They claim poverty pretty much every time.
- Then we'd get to see photos and status updates about their trips to visit other family members, trips to Vegas, cross country motorcycling, etc.

We finally realized the problem isn't that they can't afford to visit us. The problem is that it's not a priority for them to visit us. Which is fine. People can prioritize how they spend their money however they like. We just got sick of them complaining about us not prioritizing visiting, while they do the exact same thing. So we've pretty much decided to vacation when/where/how we want, and leave a standing invitation to our families to take or ignore as they'd like.

Getting back to the OP, I'd gently suggest that your priority should be your little nuclear family (you, your spouse, and your little one). Traveling with an infant is hard. Do what's best for your nuclear family. Let your extended families make their decisions (save money to visit you or not) and live with the consequences of those decisions (to see you and the baby or not). Just my two cents.

Pretty much this.

I Have 8 siblings.  None have been to visit me, and I've lived here for 17 years.
I've offered to pay for my sister to come, always an excuse why not.
My oldest sisters have children and grandchildren that live in other states far away, so of course, they see their grandchildren!
Younger brother's wife is happy to go to Disney World with her family regularly, but never to CA.
So we see everyone every 2 years, except the one sister who lives in a different state completely.  Then it's about every 10 years.  She's still my sister!

[kiblebuka]

When I had extended family, we'd go on beach trips with the cousins (lived 30 min from us). Couple of times the grandparents flew out to visit (from CA to east coast). Now we're either estranged or they're dead so it's essentially me traveling to see my mom every week or two (45 minutes by car, 1.5 hours by train). It's "that often" cause I haven't been moved out for a year yet, still cutting the ties a bit.

[Helvegen]

Once every 18-24 months. Both sets of families require plane tickets, so it just doesn't happen that often. Plus there are other places we want to visit. This year we are splitting it up somewhat. Sending our kid to my mother's over Thanksgiving while we go to Hawai'i.

Maybe next year we'll go back to Europe, but probably only if we can wrangle it with Icelandair so we can get a nice stopover there again.

[startingsmall]

In-laws are local, but my parents are an 11-hour drive away in Florida.  Since our daughter's birth (2.5 years ago) we've been seeing my parents more frequently.... we seem to be settling into a routine of three visits per year.

1.  We drive to Florida for a week or so... but the first part of that trip is spent at a conference in Orlando (~2.5 hrs from my parents' house).  Last year, we didn't see them until after the conference, when we drove down to their house for 4 days.  This year, we all arrived in Orlando on Thursday night and spent 2 days doing Disney, then they took our daughter back to their house with them so that my husband & I could enjoy 2 adults-only days of conference/Orlando before joining them at their house for the rest of the week.   This trip works out well because I get very few vacation days at my current job, but I do get days for continuing education - so this year's trip only required 2 vacation days because the rest of my days were counted as CE days.

2.  They drive or fly to see us for a long weekend.  I take a day off work if I have one available (once I did, once I didn't), but don't really sweat it if I can't because they're mainly here to see the grandkid anyway.  (And we still get the weekend days together - they leave Monday.)

3.  We meet mid-way between our homes for a long weekend.  My parents pay for this trip, so it ends up not costing us anything... but it means that we can both drive a reasonable distance and therefore neither of us is making 'the big trip' more than once per year.

[Albert]

I'm still close to my family. I go see them twice a year (ca 3 weeks total, 2 h flight). My mother comes to visit me for a week once a year. Father doesn't like traveling any more and sister can't afford at the moment, but they've both been here once. All in all I'm satisfied. I get to seem them often enough and there is still plenty of vacation time left over for other things.

[nereo]

I was wondering how often others go to see their families that require plane travel? Do you set aside a budget for this?

We visit family in California (cross-country flight for us) about once every year.  We drive the 6 hours to visit family members about 4 times per year, and the 10 hours to see the remaining family 2x/year.  We don't make a budget, but we are well aware that these trips account for about 10% of our net pay.
For us, it's worth it, and we'd eliminate a lot of other things before eliminating visiting family.  YMMV

[KD]

My parents each live 1 1/2 hours away in different directions - both are now mid 80's in age.  So we go see them once every other week.  Mom's turn this week, Dad's turn next week.  After moving this far away we tried going to Mom's every week and Dad's every other week (she has more health issues) but this was soooooooooo wearing on my own family, car wear & tear and gas pricing that we scaled back.  I also have an older dog at home that I hated leaving all the time and we can only be gone a maximum of 6-7 hours because she's an indoor dog and while she's good not to have an accident staying gone longer than that would not be fair to the dog. 

So, we have 3 hours worth of driving 3 hours worth of visiting.  My children are disabled and cannot stay alone, so it means that either all four of us go or I go alone.  If everyone goes it is usually more expensive as that's a day I have to buy food to feed 4 or 6 if I feed the parents & my family so each day costs about $100.  Food, gas & I generally buy some additional groceries for home in the big metro city when I get there. 

My Mom & stepdad used to come to visit sometimes maybe once every couple of months but that has stopped with their aging.  My Dad never did much traveling to visit us at all.  Maybe once every 7 years or so. 

**Hubs and I were always the ones to take our children to see our parents as I wanted our children to know their grandparents.**  Traditionally this was how the majority of American's did it or at least the ones who lived in our area.

Husband's parents have both passed now, but we lived in the same town or within 20 minutes drive time with them all the time we've been married.  Saw them often, usually 3-4 times a month.  FIL lived w/us after MIL passed away.

Air travel - My husband's daughter got married and moved halfway across the country.  We were very much below them in wage earnings (our son-in-law owns his own mortgage company).  She came home a few times when her kids were smaller, but we have yet to see the third granddaughter in person - now nearing 12.  I have offered to pay husband's way out to visit  them.  She has offered.  He refuses.  He says, "She's the one who left, she can come see me.  I wouldn't have expected my Dad to travel to see me if I'd of been the one to leave."  Old school.  They talk on the phone often, share email convos and are on good terms, but he refuses to fly out to visit them.  I don't claim to understand it. 

Once we were within 4 hours of her on vacation and offered to drive halfway to meet them for a day in the park and lunch, but she couldn't be bothered.  It has been somewhat strained for him ever after that.  He wouldn't drive the four hours and she wouldn't drive the 2.  Eh! I don't know, to me it's sad.

He has two sons from his first marriage.  One visits a few times a year w/his kids, the other one doesn't.  Still all on good terms, but Hubs does not go out of his way to see them.  He (nearing 70) expects them to make the effort.

Whatever, what I wanted to say to some of you is to not forget that some of your parents may really not be in a financial/health position to visit you all that often.  After you are an established family making decent wages some of them are likely old school enough to think it falls mostly to you (younger/healthier/possibly financially fitter) to come bring your kids to know them. I personally think it should be a two way street when possible.  I admire those of you sending Gran & Gramps a ticket, etc.  Visit who you can when you can.  Life is short!  Those we love can be gone too soon!

[BigRed]

We live in CA and both parents are in PA/NJ, we have two kids under 5.  We went 5 times last year.  I think my wife would go more often if she could.  We've gone at least 3 times every year since the first kid was born.

It's insane, but I have not yet figured out how to get my wife to back off spending all our discretionary time and money on trips and gifts to family.

Don't let it get to this level.

[startingsmall]

In-laws are local, but my parents are an 11-hour drive away in Florida.  Since our daughter's birth (2.5 years ago) we've been seeing my parents more frequently.... we seem to be settling into a routine of three visits per year.

1.  We drive to Florida for a week or so... but the first part of that trip is spent at a conference in Orlando (~2.5 hrs from my parents' house).  Last year, we didn't see them until after the conference, when we drove down to their house for 4 days.  This year, we all (me, DH, daughter, and my parents) arrived in Orlando on Thursday night and spent 2 days doing Disney together, then they took our daughter back to their house with them so that my husband & I could enjoy 2 adults-only days of conference/Orlando before joining them at their house for the rest of the week.   This trip works out well because I get very few vacation days at my current job, but I do get days for continuing education - so this year's trip only required 2 vacation days because the rest of my days were counted as CE days.

2.  They drive or fly to see us for a long weekend.  I take a day off work if I have one available (once I did, once I didn't), but don't really sweat it if I can't because they're mainly here to see the grandkid anyway.  (And we still get the weekend days together - they leave Monday.)

3.  We meet mid-way between our homes for a long weekend.  My parents pay for this trip, so it ends up not costing us anything... but it means that we can both drive a reasonable distance and therefore neither of us is making 'the big trip' more than once per year.