How much should a wedding cost?

[Grid]

So, my girlfriend and I wandered into this territory last night over a Skype call.  I was saying a wedding shouldn't cost any more than $5k.  And she was telling me I don't know how much weddings really cost; $20-30k is probably around average.  I am all for being creative about how to spend the day, but how much does it cost?

Ceremony requirements:  not in a church, or religious whatsoever.  Someone would however officiate the ordeal.  She wants a white dress that isn't a "hand-me-down".  Seating for all guests.  Some kind of theme.  I'd rather not wear a tuxedo.  It's uncomfortable and you pay $100 to wear it for a day.  I also would wear one if that's what she truly wants.

Reception requirements:  open bar, good food and some cake (hopefully just plain delicious and not tiered),  70-80 guests, music playing all night, and plenty of space to dance!  Perhaps a DJ isn't necessary.  I just don't have nice speakers to play across a dancefloor.

Anyway, that is thinking inside the box.  Is it possible to get all that for less than $5k?  Or am I crazy?  Thinking outside the box, it was mentioned on another thread a wedding that brought the two immediate families together at beach houses for a week, and this gave the families a better chance to bond.  Does anyone have other ideas like that that throw convention/tradition to the wind but accomplish the same goal of bringing families together for a celebration of love?  I'm all ears.

Obviously all I can think about is how our $20-30k is much better used elsewhere, for the future in some way, and not spent all in one day.  We would be paying for it.  I don't want for either set of parents to pay anything for it, and they probably would not anyway if the ceremony was to be nonreligious.  Any advice is appreciated. 

[Meowmalade]

There's no "should" when it comes to wedding costs, but $5k is a very inexpensive wedding and catered food tends to cost a lot if that's what you're thinking (my friend in Austin had a nice taco bar and it was $30 a head.  For tacos!).  An open bar will definitely cost a lot unless you do a DIY setup.  For the officiant, you could actually have a friend get a license and marry you!  You could rent a city park space or have a backyard wedding, but sounds like you might have to rent chairs, though.  I have friends who did cupcakes on a tiered stand instead of a cake, and they were a hit!  You can definitely get creative and keep within your budget with a lot of DIY.

And if photos matter, don't skimp on this.  As a former wedding photographer, you would not believe how many stories I have heard of people having their memories lost/stolen (stolen gear or corrupted files/computer without backup) or wishing they had hired a better quality photog, and you can't redo it.  Some photographers may have some nice photos online and get hired, but you want an experienced pro who can deal with all lighting situations and has liability insurance and backup gear and insanely paranoid backup systems.  For reference, my 8-hour package including high-res digital files and an heirloom album was $3600, and I considered myself mid-range for Portland pricing.  You don't have to spend so much, and you can certainly negotiate fewer hours from a photographer you love on an off-peak day (in general, most photogs here would do a few hours for $1k).  That might be my biggest tip for saving money.  Get married on a Tuesday! ;)

Oh yeah, before anyone starts a rant about how everything wedding-related is overpriced, it is seriously hard work, and dealing with clients who want everything to be perfect for their special day is no piece of cake (pun intended).  I had $15k worth of gear and spent 30-40 hours editing each wedding (most people aren't so crazy perfectionist, but still spend quite a bit of time), and I physically hurt after every wedding from shooting with my heavy equipment and being on my feet all day.  Of course no one is forced to hire pros, but there's a reason they cost so much.  You're paying for quality and experience (from a business that probably has a ton of overhead expenses), and the guarantee that everything will go as planned.

Another tip: you might get a better deal by being nice and easy-going!  Some people are willing to be a bit flexible and make things work for clients on a budget if they like them a lot.

Good luck!  You can definitely make it work, just make sure you and your future wife's views are in alignment when it actually comes down to planning the wedding :)

[Meowmalade]

I just remembered that my sister's wedding was about $15k in 2012.  They had it in a park in a small town close to Monterey, CA with about 70-80 guests and their biggest expense was really amazing food (which I think was about $8k).  They brought their own wine, had a friend officiate, I did the photos for free, my BIL's mom got the flowers from the farmer's market and arranged them, and they hired a great bluegrass band.  She had her hair done at a local salon and did her own makeup (products handed down from my own wedding; I think I spent over $100 at Sephora including brushes and stuff, since I usually don't wear makeup!  We then passed it on to my cousin, who gets done up daily).

So, my sister is a total tomboy and has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do as well as Kung Fu.  No one expected her to show up in the utterly elegant dress that she bought on usedweddingdresses.com (yes, there really is such a site!) for $300.  The hilarious part is that she decided to wear her black Vibram toe shoes, thinking that no one would see them under the dress.  This was true when she was standing, but it failed as soon as she walked!  We all loved it :)

[markbrynn]

Weddings can be done as inexpensively as you want, but you have to make sure both of you are on board or you might not have a very long marriage afterwards.

I would advise to separate (mentally, as least), the wedding ceremony from what is essentially a party (call it a reception, it's a party). Decide which one is important to you and make the other part very simple.

For my wife and I ceremony was less important, so we did it as city hall. There were about 20 seats (for the elderly, mostly) and everybody else (total around 50) had to stand. The whole thing lasted about 20 - 30 minutes and then it was over. Cost almost nothing.

What we cared more about is the party, but we still tried to keep it reasonable. Simple outdoor location with inexpensive food and ability to provide our own drinks. No wedding cake, just normal cake. Arranged our own flowers and not many, own decorations, etc. We got a local band that didn't cost much and then just used music off a laptop for the rest of the night (we tried to borrow amplifier and speakers, but ended up buying a set which are now are home set, and not that expensive, sound was good enough). I wore a suit that I really like, but that I can also use for other occasions (including work). On photographs, I would advise everyone to get over it. If professional photographs of any moment of your life are worth 1000's of dollars then I think you're on the wrong website. Nothing wrong with wanting some photos of your wedding day, but I think people put far too much importance on them. Enjoy the day, enjoy your marriage, enjoy your photos whether they're perfect or not.

Long story short, aim for a beautiful but casual wedding and you'll be able to keep the costs down. Most of the costs that I see come from people feeling the need to make the event very formal. Clothes, cake, photographs, music, food. They can all be fancy and expensive or more laid back and affordable.

[ahoy]

Great advice from the comments above.   It seems to always cost more than you think.  But, yes there is ways to cut costs and do some DIY - invites etc.  I personally wouldn't do a big wedding again (if I had to get married again).  My DH and I only had about 70 guests, but we really should have cut it by half.  It can be A LOT of money for one day!   

[Matt_D]

The biggest thing I'd think about is this: who are you throwing this wedding party for? Is it for you and GF because this is what the two of you want, or are you doing this because it's what's expected by other people? If the 1st - does it really reflect your desires or are you just sorta going along with what you've seen before? If the 2nd - is it worth it to you?

My wife and I got married right out of college, and we had a HUGE wedding and reception (at least to us). Her parents paid for it (they insisted), and it was very nice... but we've both agreed since then that if we were to do it now (and have to pay for it ourselves), we'd be looking at something very different and certainly nowhere near as expensive. No regrets (hey, we're still married! :)) - but it wouldn't be what we'd choose today.

But yeah, what you're thinking you can get for $5k is pretty unrealistic.

[Kimchi Bleu]

It is really crazy how much money can be spent on weddings which is one day of your married life. Best advice is to have a frank discussion with your fiancee about what your budget and goals are.  The less you spend on the wedding would mean more money for a down payment on a house, a car, other financial obligations.

I think that there are ways to be cost effective when planning a wedding.  I believe there are websites out there that will allow the bride to rent designer gowns for a fraction of the cost of buying one.  This is a great time to be open about your financial goals and your ability to compromise.

Best wishes to you and your bride-to-be!

[RetiredAt63]

May I suggest Miss Manners' Guide To a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding?

The description is Today’s brides are bombarded with wedding advice that promises perfection but urges achieving it through selfishness (“It’s your wedding, and you can do whatever you like”), greed (choosing the presents that guests are directed to buy), and showing off (“This is your chance to show everyone what you’re about”). Couples wishing to resist such pressure see elopement or a slapdash wedding as the only alternatives to a gaudy blowout. But none of these choices appealed to a bride who happened to have been brought up by Miss Manners. Judith Martin and her newlywed daughter, Jacobina, explain how to have a dignified ceremony and delightful celebration without succumbing to the now-prevalent pattern of the vulgar, money-draining wedding that exhausts families and exploits friends.

I haven't read it yet (waiting until I need to as mother of the bride) but I find a lot of her advice is very useful, and she thinks extravagant showing-off is inappropriate, so  probably a source of good advice.  And what better source to use as a reference for your desire for a simple classy wedding, when others start pushing you, than Miss Manners herself?  ;-)

[Pigeon]

There is no how much "should" it cost.  It can range from the cost of a wedding license to the sky is the limit. 

The big expense of the things you mention as being important is going to be providing good food and an open bar for that many people.  You can do that in different ways.  You can have it at a nice venue, where it will be more expensive but easier and probably nicer overall.  You can rent a VFW/community center, etc., hall and hire caterers, use an iPod and a playlist, get a liquor permit, hire a bar tender, etc.  Cheaper, but more work and generally more downscale.

Then there are all the additional items that will add up to a lot.  Many can be done cheaper to cut costs.  I am probably the only bride in the world to say this, but I do regret the photographer.  We had great pictures, but way, way too much of my memory of the day is tied up in posing for photos and not enjoying the wedding.  You can do your own invitations, cut corners on flowers, not rent limos or tuxes, etc. 

If she is open to it, places like JCP and Macys sell long white gowns that are perfectly lovely and can be used as wedding dresses in the 100-200 dollar range.  They aren't big, poofy, over the top designer wedding gowns though, if she has her heart set on that.

I think the two of you should do a little scouting around to figure out what things are really likely to cost for different wedding options to get a ball park idea.  Then you should sit down and have a heart to heart about what's important to both of you.

You mentioned a family weekend option.  Many summers, we rent a house on a lake for a week.  One year, we stayed across the street from a very large house (sleeps 28) that is rented out for family reunions, group vacations, etc.  There was a family having a wedding there, and the family stayed for the week.  We could see the ceremony from our spot on the lake and it looked lovely.  It wasn't very fancy but it looked like fun.  I doubt renting the place was cheap, but it was probably cheaper than a traditional wedding with an open bar and sit down dinner with all the trimmings.

[mrteacher]

Replying to follow!

[ooeei]

Remembered this article I read awhile back, he went for a $2500 wedding, but may have some points for you to take away. If you're trying to have 80 people and an open bar, it's going to be pretty expensive... 

http://20somethingfinance.com/cheap-wedding/

I guess the real question is, do you actually have 80 people who you really want at your wedding, and who will really want to come?  Assuming the whole thing is 3 hours long where you are actually talking to people (and not getting ready, or having pictures, or the ceremony), that gives you each 2.25 minutes per guest.  I've only been to a couple of weddings at 26, but unless I'm in the wedding party or really close with the bride/groom (where they're going to be talking more to me than other people) it just ends up being more of a pain than fun.  Great, I got to dress up, probably drive a long way, buy a gift, and spend my weekend by sitting through a 5 hour event where the people who invited me came over to say hi and make small talk for about a minute before they got distracted by something and moved on.  I get to meet and talk to their Aunt Betsy for 30 minutes at dinner who flew halfway across the country and has barely spoken to them yet because they're so busy.

I have facebook, and I bet you do too, so you've seen the girls who get in "competition" mode with their weddings.  Yeah it looks like everyone had a blast and it was the party of the century based on the pictures (what's that?!  WHY YES I AM wearing oversized glasses and holding up a mustache on a stick to my face in a photo booth! WOOOO).  Yet talking to people who went, a lot of times they aren't nearly as psyched about it as the facebook pictures would indicate.  I've definitely heard a few people talk about how they "have to go to so and so's wedding this weekend" with not much enthusiasm. 

To me, a smaller deal with maybe 20 people sounds like a hell of a lot more fun.  I've had a couple of close friends do that (where I was not invited), and it turned out great both times.  So what kind of people are you?  Do you like going out to the bars/clubs on Friday nights and dancing/talking with strangers and then tell everyone how epic your night was?  If so, the 80 person wedding might be right up your alley.  If you like to have a few close friends over for a barbecue instead, the smaller one might be more fun.

Disclaimer:  I'm a 26 year old guy and not married, maybe I'm way off on this.  So far it doesn't sound like my girlfriend's going to want a big bash though.

[Scandium]

I know weddings costing more than $67.50 are generally frowned upon here. But we had a somewhat expensive wedding, and as far as these things go I think it was more or less worth it. We didn't do it to "show off" or anything. We did it because we had guests that traveled thousands of miles at great expense, so we wanted to have a nice party that everyone could enjoy. Some might argue that doesn't have to cost, but to some degree you have to spend money to make sure everyone has a good time. We did, and people still tell us it was a great wedding. I don't think anything was particularly extravagant, but it still cost $15-20K as far as I can remember. Even with that cost my wife still did the invitations herself, her friends did much of the decorations, I made several pieces for decorations (ask me about how to make "distressed" wood..), we bought the booze and it was held in a pavilion with a bare concrete floor. These things costs unless you go really bare-bones.

The catering firm owned the site so had to use them, and it was around $100/person. For 100 people.. But remember that covers making and storing food, tables, chairs, silverware, napkins, servers, bartender, cocktail hour food and serving, cleanup, prepping the site, ceremony chairs etc,etc,etc. All this you'd have to find or rent on your own.

-Just a DJ was $700 or so I think. That was the going rate for simple ones. Otherwise you're renting speakers and coaxing someone into MCing the thing (probably a friend you'd rather be having a good time).
- Atheist officiant: $300 maybe?
- DIY Booze; over $1,000. People drink a lot of wine.. (We had nothing fancy at all! $9 vodka is good enough..)
- Bus to get people from hotel to/from site? $500 I think.
- I'd say our only splurge was the photographer, because we both take pictures very seriously, and just thought the $1500-2000 looked like garbage (poor compositions, terrible processing etc). Probably almost $5k there including album etc.

Was any of this "necessary"? Not really, nothing in a wedding is necessary beyond signing the paper. But it all made it come together and people enjoyed it and we still remember it. Can you do it for $5? Yeah probably, but I think it'd be hard. But I've been to one that maybe cost that and it was nice, if a little disorganized. I've also been to (probably) $50k weddings that were lame.


edit, to the guy above: An 80 person wedding isn't particularly large. We got nagged by the catering firm constantly for only having 90-100. Most are 150 people and I've been to ~300 person ones. Yes those were crazy, but with two families of aunts, uncles, cousins etc and two sets of friends, many with spouses of their own you get to 80 pretty quickly. And if you invite some friends, you kinda have to go all the way. Or where to you draw the line? More people means there is a higher chance everyone there know somebody and have someone to talk to.
There is also the social contract that I have gone to the weddings of many friends and eat and drink for free, so I should really invite them to mine. Being the host is work. First of our friends to get married said this at his wedding "now you guys get married so I can drink and party"

[I'm a red panda]

IMO, it is rarely the wedding ceremony that has high costs; it is the reception.  What kind of party do you want to throw for your friends? How many of them do you want to invite?

For me, $5k is very very low if you want a fancy wedding.  My bar cost alone was quite a bit over that.  But I had 200 people drinking at a full open bar for 5 hours (we had an extended reception because it was New Years Eve) with a multi-course plated meal.

If you are semi-religious, you may find that getting married in a church is less expensive than another venue.  Our church had no fee, we donated $300 as a thank you.  I did not decorate the church at all. I've never understood coordinating alter flowers to your bridesmaids and pew bows. The alter already has decorations on it. Renting a venue can cost more than this, and you may have to bring in your own seating, etc.

My reception was very expensive, because it was basically a party thrown by my parents. Their idea of a good party is very different than mine. And it was a very good party.  But the cake alone cost $1,000.  (Man, it was the best wedding cake I've ever tasted...I still dream about that cake.) Which was more than my dress (and my dress was expensive, IMO. I found one for $99 that I thought "worked just fine" and a very nice one that I loved. My dad would NOT let me get "works just fine". If I was paying, I would have...  Ironically, my shoes were $10 on sale, and I was told I was "over budget" because my sister, who had a much fancier dress than me found hers for $8 on sale). If I paid for the wedding, the cake would not have been from the most prestigious baker in my area, and I probably would have sacrificed cake. A lot of wedding cakes actually don't taste that good...  My flowers were in season, so inexpensive (my Mom actually ordered MORE when she was given the quote, because it was so much less than she expected.)  As I mentioned, our bar cost was over $5k. So was our meal cost. The meal cost less than the alcohol. Our DJ wasn't that expensive, but he added a lot to the atmosphere that music on an Ipod wouldn't do. But the total budget, all in, was $25k, which I don't find to be ridiculous. My parents didn't go into debt for it.  If I paid, it would probably have been half that.

But there are TONS of things I could have cut.  We could have just had wine/beer- but it was New Years Eve, and my parents thought it was important people be able to have their drinks of choice.  I could have made my own veil (veils are RIDICULOUS. That was probably the one expensive that I thought was the worst.)  I could have gone with the budget dress, a less expensive photographer.   Already, I did skip the limo.  I had a make up artist, but since I don't wear makeup I thought that was important for photos.


On the other hand, my SIL had what I considered to be a very nice reception. I would guess there were about 75-100 people. It was fun, but it was not fancy. There was music playing, but no DJ or dancing. Some of the family skipped the ceremony and set out a buffet- we had rolls, condiments, and cold cuts. Everyone made deli sandwiches.  Her grandmother made the cake. They had bought some champagne at Costco and cousins took shifts serving it to attendees. There was also a bowl of non-alcoholic punch people could help themselves from.  Her wedding cost very little.

[Milizard]

You might as well ask how much a house should cost.  It totally depends on the size, type, and location.  As mentioned by others, the open bar is going to cost you, as well as a sit down dinner.  $5k weddings are done more casually--potlucks or pig roasts sort of thing, with a lot of free help from others.  Depending on where you are, you might be able to do the type that you describe for $10k.  Maybe a little less if you get free help from people and go more casual.  Likely much more if you're in an expensive area.  The tux is just a drop in the bucket.  For my own wedding the biggest costs in descending order were:  catering, open bar, pictures (it was my husband's choice to spend more on that), and reception hall rental (including required membership at the boat club).  My dress was awesome and cheap, purchased from Ebay.  Should have skipped the limo (again, DH's choice there).

[FrugalFan]

Of the things you mention, the food and open bar will cost the most (and way more than $5000!).

We got married at a biology station where we had done a lot of work (beautiful setting on a lake). Venue cost $200. Total cost for 75 people was $3600, we paid ourselves, and we loved it. We rented chairs and got married outside, then had the dinner and reception inside. MIL made my dress and the desserts. The rest was catered but buffet style. We made all the invitations, decorations, etc. FIL took the pictures. It was in the early fall, when mums are abundant and inexpensive, so flowers were easy. We rented a large sound system but made our own playlist and people danced all night until we turned the music off. Then we had an awesome campfire with my husband and our friends playing guitar for those still up past 1:00 AM. Lots of free homemade wine but we did have a cash bar with drinks served at cost. We were poor grad students and so were most of our friends so people understood.

Looking back, I wouldn't change anything. It was low stress, and so much fun. I think if something costs a lot, there is a lot of pressure for the day to be perfect, which can lead to a lot of stress, even about things you can't change like the weather. And I've seen parents get pretty pushy about making decisions if they foot part of the bill, including who to invite, etc.

[Fishindude]

Our wedding probably cost under $1000, 30+ years ago.
We spent about $35,000 on our daughters wedding.
We paid for the food and booze for my sons reception and it ran about $4,000

My daughter does weddings in affluent area of Michigan, average cost is $150,000 for those and they've done them as high at $1 mil.

It's all over the board.
Depends upon what you want to do, and what you can afford.

[Jeddy]

A reception requirement of an open bar and nice catered food - your $5k is long gone right there. Add in a rented venue, DJ, etc.

In many instances, you can't even DIY your open bar (by providing the booze yourself) as in many locations, the rented venue will require you to use their service or a licensed service as there is a lot of liability involved with serving a ton of people a ton of booze.

We had an open bar for the first hour while the bridal party had their pictures and whatnot - that alone was in the $1,000.00 range. We had it switch to cash bar from there on out - I didn't hear any complaints about that - we provided free drinks for the first hour as a 'thank you' for coming, you covered your own from there on out.

Ours was around $15k ($5k out of my pocket) and we were pretty frugal - we still had some serious expenses to deal with as my wife wanted 'the experience' (rented hall, catered food, florist, photographer, bar, DJ, etc.) - we lucked out in finding a hall in an orchard that had lodging on site, so while our wedding was quite expensive, we were able to make it last more than just a single evening - we had a whole weekend of fun with all of our friends and family staying right on site the night before, the day off, and the day after the wedding.

There are two places that I wouldn't skimp on - DJ and food. That's just me personally - I didn't want people to complain about the food (I've been to plenty of weddings and the food usually sucks...) and I wanted everyone to have a blast, so a good DJ really kicked everything up a notch.

But like everyone else said - there's no correct answer to this - you can go as little as $30 at the town hall, or $100,000 with the most luxurious venue/food/booze/etc.

With your requirements, you're looking to crest your $5k quite quickly though.

[Jeddy]

I wanted to throw out another experience I've had - our best friends had a rented hall from a conservation center (very low cost), the food was pot-luck, the booze was BYOB, the music was an iPod played through rented speakers (lost cost), the decorations were hand-made - as a guest, it was fantastic. And it was perfect for the bride and groom. They had no guests traveling from afar, so potluck and BYOB was possible.

My wife and I's families would not have been able to do that - the stress involved with planning a wedding and reception would not have made our families too keen to take on a lot of the 'work' involved. Having the work completed for you and you essentially just show up and get married and have a party was a huge stress relief for us after all was said and done. On top of that, we had quite a few folks traveling in from afar.

But you can literally do this in any manner you choose and any cost you're comfortable with. You'll have to gauge you and your wife's desire for what you both want in a wedding (mainly her desires...), get input from your families and get a feel for how you think your guests would respond - contrary to popular belief, the reception is not for you. It's for your guests.

[seattlecyclone]

We had a pretty fancy wedding for 80 guests. We tried pretty hard to keep the cost down while having a pretty high level of fanciness. My wife got her wedding dress from Craigslist for $100, our local Safeway was able to make us a very nice tiered cake for less than $150, we got cheap flowers from Pike Place Market the morning of the wedding and had some friends distribute them into vases we got at Goodwill for 69¢ apiece, we negotiated relatively low fees for the DJ and photographer, etc. In the end the whole thing still ended up costing about $10k. The biggest parts of the expense will be the venue and the food; if you can find a beautiful natural setting in a public park (for example), and have someone in your family who is willing and able to cook for 80, you could likely do it for less than $5k. If you hire those things out, prepare to spend more.

[EricMA]

It can be done without spending a ton of money if you put your mind to it and frame things another way. I had a wedding with 65 guests which cost $3000 after a generous tip to our photographer. We actually "profited" on the occasion as we didn't feel comfortable "registering" for anything and many guests gave generous cash gifts.

We found a beautiful state park and scouted the location exactly a year before our date to see what flowers would be in bloom and what natural beauty we could rely on... tons! We tried to "reserve" a spot, but they told us they didn't "take" reservations. We decided we'd all just show up. So that was free. We opted for a spot that had a covered bridge so if it was raining we could just use the shelter provided. We had a mutual friend officiate. We paid $5 to have them "ordained" online so they could sign the document.

For food, we found a restaurant that had a separate function room. We were able to choose 3 different "main dishes" off of their menu and have that buffet style. It was under $25/head, all you can eat. So about $1,500 for the food and reception room. We didn't do an open bar, that would have brought the total up considerably. Water and soft drinks were included. We decided to do a noon wedding and a lunch reception rather than a dinner. This way the number of people drinking would be reduced and it wouldn't feel as "cheap"

For the cake, we decided that rather than buy something fancy from some expensive bakery, we'd rather have something homemade -- prepared and decorated by family/friends. We refused money for the wedding, control over that day was not for sale :). So naturally our parents wanted to contribute so we put them on cake duty. That caused a bit of stress on their parts, but all we wanted was homemade cake with "love" in it. It turned out great! We offered to give $50-$100 for materials and the effort, but that offer was refused.

Our only other expense was the photographer. We used a friend from college who was just starting her own photography business. She gave us her new business rate which was way too low. Being no stranger to small business, I advised her to triple her rates. We gave her a substantial tip, and still got a great deal and some amazing pictures.

All of that was $3k even. We could have rented chairs for the park, and provided some music in the restaurant. I would figure with some creativity we could have done that for less than $500 extra.

Best of luck, congratulations!

[daymare]

I hate it when discussions about weddings come up - it brings out so many people who spent less than 5K who get real vocal about the stupidity of spending more.  So, I think the real answer is: however much you can afford and want to spend.  Our wedding (in the Boston area) cost 18K for 90 people, and we spent zero dollars on decorations or flowers, and my dress was $25 off Amazon.  (We spent no money on stuff we thought was stupid/useless).  On the other hand, husband and I are from different cities, and live in another city where none of our friends from home, friends from college (where we met), or family live.  This was a unique opportunity to get together all our favorite people, and we wanted to be hospitable - this meant getting a wedding venue, and incurring the typical appetizer/dinner/dessert/dance floor/tent/chairs expenses.  You could definitely spend less (by doing more work/planning yourselves.  But to spend significantly less, you can't do all the standard thing - you need to get creative and put in time, do something other the typical catered meal, etc.)

(Edited to add: 18K seems like a crazy amount ... objectively, it's a lot of money.  But again, if you stick to standard wedding stuff (ie, catered meal, open bar, etc) you won't be able to spend much less.  For instance, we emailed save the dates (free), printed invites on vista print (less than $25 for all of them), spent no money on decor, spent minimally on our wedding rings (under $100 total), didn't have a wedding cake (just had normal desserts - cookies, pastries), got literally the cheapest pro photographer we could find, bought our alcohol through a liquor store at their normal prices, and didn't do anything just because it's conventional, and we still spent a bunch.  Just figure out your priorities.  And check out apracticalwedding.com - amazing, sane resource.)

[TVRodriguez]

I haven't had time to read the replies, but the cost of food and drink was the big factor.  The cost of all other items paled in comparison when we got married.  We had 240 people (BIG families) at a big NYC area wedding, with a full dinner and open bar, and the dinner cost was $22,000, which was actually a great price for that type of wedding in the area.  We paid for some guests' expenses and bridal party expenses (didn't want that 'honor' to cost them money), and that and all other costs came to $12,000.  So we paid $34,000 for our wedding.  That didn't include honeymoon, which we waited a year to take.  That did include DIY flowers, btw, and DH had his tux already.  We got a band, photographer, and limo.  And my dress was $1500 custom made.  Yes, we went big, but I don't plan to wed again, and I wanted a big party.  DH was not initially interested in such a big event, but he loved it and after it was over he thanked me for making it happen the way I did.

[phwadsworth]

It should cost exactly what it's worth to you, no more, no less.

I paid for a wedding & reception with about 55 guests....in a barn on a community farm with a few kegs of beer and pulled pork sandwiches, no cake, no cocktails, no centerpieces, no gifts, no special clothing for anyone.  The cost still blew me away!  I think when it was all done we spent about $10k, and only $500 of that was the site fee.  It costs money to feed and entertain dozens of people (chairs, plates and flatware, food, band, insurance, hotels for our parents, etc)

Many of my friends have been married in City Hall or their lawyer's office, with no guests, no party.  That was a lot cheaper.  They also got exactly the value they wanted from the transaction and everyone was just as happy with their wedding as ours.

[Bracken_Joy]

Just to give you an idea, this was for my wedding in June of this year, so quite current.

We did almost everything the "budget way":
We got married in my parent's back yard.
We bought flowers wholesale and my family arranged them.
We had an 8" round cake from a grocery store for $20.
We had catered BBQ, also from the grocery store. Served on mismatched China that I borrowed/got for free.
My brother was the officiant.
We built the wedding arch ourselves, had no DJ, did the lights and sound and music ourselves. Installed speakers ourselves, didn't even rent a PA- we used a mic piped through a computer.
Didn't need to buy DH a suit- he owned one.
We only had 35 guests.
Our invites were through Vistaprint, with a default design, with a 25% off coupon. I did the calligraphy on the envelopes myself. They were a standard envelope size, so one stamp per.
It was wine and beer only, and all of it was from Costco, and the state we were in we were able to return unopened cases.
My cousin did my hair and makeup and only used products I already owned.
We have a professional photographer who is a good family friend- we paid to have his equipment shipped, to fly him down, and $200 for 'editing time'. He makes way, way more than this, but it was a gift of love.
Everyone stayed at my parent's place or a nearby friend's house, so no hotels were paid for.
My one really big splurge was my dress, I will admit. With alterations, it was $1,500.


And you know what? Our wedding cost $8.5k. (Our goal budget was $5k). Wedding are expensive, period. Because it came down to choices like- this aunt helped raise you, you lived with her a year when you were a kid. She can't afford to fly out. Well... obviously we paid for a few tickets! Everyone is here working to set up, so we have to feed them something. Etc. But that doesn't factor in my in-laws renting a house to stay the week, or their gas down, or their clothes, or, or, or.

Basically, it comes down to a question of priorities. I HIGHLY recommend the website (and their book) A practical wedding (apracticalwedding.com). A lot of people here are very vocal about weddings being CHEAP. And I agree that you should endeavor not to be an exploding volcano of wastefulness. But part of money is celebrating your life, as well, and if a wedding is important to you/your family? Maybe it's a worthwhile use of money.

[OccamsRazor]

I just got married this summer. Tread carefully in the wedding discussions and budgeting process. In my experience, most guys are rational about the wedding process, the expenses, etc. We're practical about it, usually realizing it's a one day event, so why go crazy over it.

Contrast this with how many (admittedly not all) women view a wedding. This is literally a day that many ladies have dreamed about their entire lives. They've been imagining how beautiful they'll look and how much fun it will be since they were little kids. Think of the equivalent theme for you, that you've been looking towards your whole life... don't detract from her moment because you want to save money.

Marriage is about compromise and mutual respect. In our budgeting process i made sure to keep things under control when it started to spiral. It pained me the entire time as i knew all of the places the money could go otherwise. But this was the most important day of her life up to that point, and no way was i going to let my own selfish needs detract from that. This is just the first test in a lifetime of compromises...

[fitfrugalfab]

I've been married for a year and got married in Las Vegas. Now, before you write it off as an Elvis wedding (because it wasn't) here me out.

I have a HUGE family. I'm half Asian on my mother's side (so I have like a million relatives just there, also from the Bay area), my dad's mom has 12 brothers and sisters, my DH has 4 sisters and both of our parents are divorced and then remarried.

We were going to go to Florida and have a beautiful wedding on the beach then a catered reception. The stress was starting to get to me and so were the amounting cost. We decided to get married at the Tropicana in Las Vegas in October so the weather was beautiful. The wedding planners there are AMAZING. There are very cheap packages to chose from and they can support a tiny wedding or a huge wedding. Another great thing is that it was a 1 stop shop. I got my hair done there, wedding done there, and had the option to do my reception there. I ended up doing a large dinner at Buca di Beppo instead because of the costs. Here was my breakdown.

Ceremony + Officiant (included seating, music, wedding coordinators, photographer, my bouquet, 10 photos, videographer and bottle of champagne): $900
Hair- $100
Dinner (5 course dinner, open bar, small wedding cake for head count of 32 people): $1600. We had so much food left over my DH and I actually boxed all the food up and went around giving food out the homeless the next day.

Let me tell you. BEST decision I have ever done. The wedding was beautiful and when you get married, I promise you, NOTHING else matters but you and your significant other who is waiting for you down the aisle.

I agree with others, there really isn't a "should be" amount that a wedding should cost. It depends on what is really important to you as a couple.

[ooeei]

edit, to the guy above: An 80 person wedding isn't particularly large. We got nagged by the catering firm constantly for only having 90-100. Most are 150 people and I've been to ~300 person ones. Yes those were crazy, but with two families of aunts, uncles, cousins etc and two sets of friends, many with spouses of their own you get to 80 pretty quickly. And if you invite some friends, you kinda have to go all the way. Or where to you draw the line? More people means there is a higher chance everyone there know somebody and have someone to talk to.
There is also the social contract that I have gone to the weddings of many friends and eat and drink for free, so I should really invite them to mine. Being the host is work. First of our friends to get married said this at his wedding "now you guys get married so I can drink and party"

I know it's not particularly large, but then again where I live a 55 minute commute isn't particularly long.  I just question the worth of inviting so many people that you don't actually get to interact with everybody.  It's certainly a cultural thing, but I don't feel obligated to provide a party to everyone just because I'm getting married.  Like I said, I've had two VERY close friends who did immediate and local family only, and I wasn't invited.  I was totally fine with it, as were all of their other friends I've talked to.  Yeah I'm sure they had some great aunt who lives across the country who was pissed at them for a week or two.  She probably still brings it up the 1 time a year they talk to her.

I'm sure your wedding was great, and it sounds like it was worth it to you.  I just meant to point out that if you only invite immediate/local family, you will probably still have a great time and the world won't come crashing down.  You may even get to actually talk to all of the people there, and they may remember it more fondly than the second cousin who comes to the 300 person wedding.

As for the societal contract of inviting your friends to your wedding because they invited you to theirs, that just seems more like a funny thing planned in someone's speech rather than an actual expectation they'll be pissed about. 

Weddings are pretty interesting.  If people want to throw a huge party and spend a ton of money to have a great time, they should!  Typically people try to justify it with "well my family will be mad" or "they invited me to theirs" or "what will people think."  These are pretty poor justifications in my opinion, and are the same justifications that get people to buy giant SUVs and McMansions, and to work jobs they hate for way longer than they need to.  If you want the giant party, HAVE IT, but don't try to hide behind a bunch of excuses blaming it on other people or societal norms.

[LiveLean]

Why is alcohol always a given when expenses are considered?

We live near a county park here in Florida that is often rented for afternoon wedding receptions. Outdoors, pavilions, beautiful place often used for commercial photo shoots, etc. Alcohol is not allowed. And while I suppose some sneak a little in, there's no way you'd get away setting up a bar of any sort. Place has at least one wedding every weekend March-November. I've also been to weddings without booze. Not a big deal.

And, yes, I drink.

[AllieVaulter]

Others have said it, but I'll say it again.  This wedding is for the two of you.  You each need to decide what you want out of it.  I know if several guys whose wives have totally bowled them over in the wedding planning stages and pushed for things and the guys just stepped back and let the wife plan the wedding.  That's not fair, and that's no fun.  The groom should have an equal stake in the wedding, just has he'll share equally in the marriage. 

My wedding cost $5k.  It was great, beautiful, and fun.  But we had to get creative to keep the costs low.  My number one tip - avoid "wedding" things.  We just hired a regular caterer - BBQ!  Instead of a "wedding" cake, a friend baked one small cake for us to cut (it was really good, and a cool design) and we also bought 12 dozen doughnuts (100 guests).  We provided the booze (from a grocery store), but it was serve yourself so we didn't have to hire a bartender (rules based on the city park where we were).  We hired a photographer from craigslist.  We got our violinist from craigslist as well - she was a music major paying for school (students are super cheap!) but she was also very willing to do weird things for us.  My husband wanted us to walk out after the wedding to the theme song to his favorite childhood video game (Secret of Monkey Island). 

My friends will be getting married in a couple weeks.  They're renting a big house on the Oregon Coast and we're going down there to party with them.  They've got the house for a week and it's just sort of a come as you can sort of thing.  They rented their "wedding costumes" from a costume shop.  The Bride got a big fancy Victorian gown and the groom has a 70's velvet suit.  Guests attire is "come as you are, or as you want to be" meaning fancypants and gorilla suits are all equally welcome.  Dinner is going to be a Baked Potato Bar.  It's going to be a very non-traditional wedding, but everything I've heard so far sounds like SO much fun.  The week after the wedding they're going clamming and crabbing and muscle collecting...  All the things they love to do.  I find this is the wedding that I'm most looking forward to attending (of the 4 I have left this year).  :D

Your GF is right.  The AVERAGE cost of a wedding in the US is $30k.  BUT, you guys aren't AVERAGE people!  ;)  Also, studies have found that the more money spent on a wedding, the shorter the marriage is.  http://www.cnn.com/2014/10/13/living/wedding-expenses-study/

Good luck!

[Jeddy]

Why is alcohol always a given when expenses are considered?

We live near a county park here in Florida that is often rented for afternoon wedding receptions. Outdoors, pavilions, beautiful place often used for commercial photo shoots, etc. Alcohol is not allowed. And while I suppose some sneak a little in, there's no way you'd get away setting up a bar of any sort. Place has at least one wedding every weekend March-November. I've also been to weddings without booze. Not a big deal.

And, yes, I drink.

In general or in this particular instance?

In general, I think it's just a cultural thing - adult parties tend to have adult beverages. For myself, I know that the bar was a welcome addition after going through the stress of a wedding (the lead up in planning/paying/decision making, the set-up, the actual ceremony itself, etc.) - it was a wonderful and welcome way to release the steam and 'let loose' a little bit. So while it made things fun and 'loose' for all of our guests, it was definitely welcomed by myself as well.

In this particular instance, I think we're all giving alcohol price examples because the OP's requirement was an open bar.

[charis]

We had a pretty fancy wedding for 80 guests. We tried pretty hard to keep the cost down while having a pretty high level of fanciness. My wife got her wedding dress from Craigslist for $100, our local Safeway was able to make us a very nice tiered cake for less than $150, we got cheap flowers from Pike Place Market the morning of the wedding and had some friends distribute them into vases we got at Goodwill for 69¢ apiece, we negotiated relatively low fees for the DJ and photographer, etc. In the end the whole thing still ended up costing about $10k. The biggest parts of the expense will be the venue and the food; if you can find a beautiful natural setting in a public park (for example), and have someone in your family who is willing and able to cook for 80, you could likely do it for less than $5k. If you hire those things out, prepare to spend more.

This sound like our wedding.  We had 80 people and went with fancy (but very simple) as opposed to casual and that cost about $10K.  I paid $100 for my dress, new online and still love.  The dress, like the wedding itself, looked more expensive than it was because we did so much research.  We were lucky too - we found a venue little known for weddings at the time, but beautiful and reasonably priced.  Most of the cost went to the open bar and formal sit down dinner (~$8K).  The food was excellent.  But we found our DJ and up and coming photographer on craigslist.  They were both great.  We found a newish, but excellent bakery for the cakes.  We also needed transportation for guests to the hotel after the reception and we rented a hotel room for an informal after party. 

I must add that we would have been fine with a courthouse wedding and had to fight my parents to keep costs down because they thought it was going to be "cheap," until the night of when it clearly looked anything but cheap.

Ooh, also, we got a local college glee club to perform during the ceremony for next to nothing I believe (although we tipped them handsomely).

[I'm a red panda]

Why is alcohol always a given when expenses are considered?

Cultural.

In my family, a wedding without alcohol would be incredibly rare. It would be considered tacky and rude to invite people to a party of any kind and not have any. Cash bars are greatly frowned upon. If you invite people to celebrate, you shoulder the cost; you can lower the cost by what you choose to serve. You will be talked about for the next 20 years if you have a cash bar (yep- I can name the two cases where it happened.)

If someone did have a reception without alcohol, I would expect it to be really short. I can't see anyone in my family sticking around for more than an hour if there isn't something to drink. To me, it's just unheard of to serve a meal, no matter how casual, without drinks. Even the "day after wedding" breakfasts are going to have mimosas.  The "welcome to town" day before wedding gatherings will have wine. Heck- a post funeral meal has drinks served. Every wedding reception it is a given drinks are included.  And, I don't drink.

[use2betrix]

I am in the middle of planning our wedding right now. It will end up being around 10k-12k, which is really pretty cheap considering it has everything we want.

$7500 all inclusive wedding venue and reception for up to 75 guests. Up to 600 photography's take by a professional, buffet with like 2 or 3 main dish choices and the same for sides. 4 hour top shelf open liquor bar, 4 hours with DJ, rehearsal, etc. etc.

We didn't want to make a lot of decisions or really stress so we found that all inclusive package.

We're actually getting married January 2nd, so all my friends will fly in on the 31st and we'll party for a couple days before. We did get a very nice hotel room, 670 sq ft, 3 nights for 1200, but well pregame there before we go out and the women will use it to get ready on the wedding day.

Other than that, we won't have any real major expenses.

All of our families will have to travel to get to our wedding as they live far apart. I didn't want them to travel all that way, flights, hotels, etc. and have a really cheap wedding.

My soon to be spouse doesn't care about a lot, but my take on all of this, is that I'm just throwing a huge party for all my friends and family I love dearly. All the people I care about most, but live nowhere near, so don't get to see often.



Also, because my fiancé doesn't work and I make a good salary, is getting married in late December (well do it before the wedding) means I can change my filing status on my taxes and that will literally save me enough to cover about 80% of the wedding.

[Bracken_Joy]

Why is alcohol always a given when expenses are considered?

Cultural.

In my family, a wedding without alcohol would be incredibly rare. It would be considered tacky and rude to invite people to a party of any kind and not have any. Cash bars are greatly frowned upon. If you invite people to celebrate, you shoulder the cost; you can lower the cost by what you choose to serve. You will be talked about for the next 20 years if you have a cash bar (yep- I can name the two cases where it happened.)

If someone did have a reception without alcohol, I would expect it to be really short. I can't see anyone in my family sticking around for more than an hour if there isn't something to drink. To me, it's just unheard of to serve a meal, no matter how casual, without drinks. Even the "day after wedding" breakfasts are going to have mimosas.  The "welcome to town" day before wedding gatherings will have wine. Heck- a post funeral meal has drinks served. Every wedding reception it is a given drinks are included.  And, I don't drink.

+1. Alcohol is central to celebrations in my family. If you come for dinner- you bring people's favorite beers. Christmas? Mulled wine and Irish coffees are a must. Christmas morning? Mimosas. Weddings? Lots of drinks. Funerals? Sit around the body, telling stories and passing the deceased's favorite booze.

Depending on your cultural background, drinking can be really, really important.

[Scandium]

edit, to the guy above: An 80 person wedding isn't particularly large. We got nagged by the catering firm constantly for only having 90-100. Most are 150 people and I've been to ~300 person ones. Yes those were crazy, but with two families of aunts, uncles, cousins etc and two sets of friends, many with spouses of their own you get to 80 pretty quickly. And if you invite some friends, you kinda have to go all the way. Or where to you draw the line? More people means there is a higher chance everyone there know somebody and have someone to talk to.
There is also the social contract that I have gone to the weddings of many friends and eat and drink for free, so I should really invite them to mine. Being the host is work. First of our friends to get married said this at his wedding "now you guys get married so I can drink and party"

I know it's not particularly large, but then again where I live a 55 minute commute isn't particularly long.  I just question the worth of inviting so many people that you don't actually get to interact with everybody.  It's certainly a cultural thing, but I don't feel obligated to provide a party to everyone just because I'm getting married.  Like I said, I've had two VERY close friends who did immediate and local family only, and I wasn't invited.  I was totally fine with it, as were all of their other friends I've talked to.  Yeah I'm sure they had some great aunt who lives across the country who was pissed at them for a week or two.  She probably still brings it up the 1 time a year they talk to her.

I'm sure your wedding was great, and it sounds like it was worth it to you.  I just meant to point out that if you only invite immediate/local family, you will probably still have a great time and the world won't come crashing down.  You may even get to actually talk to all of the people there, and they may remember it more fondly than the second cousin who comes to the 300 person wedding.

As for the societal contract of inviting your friends to your wedding because they invited you to theirs, that just seems more like a funny thing planned in someone's speech rather than an actual expectation they'll be pissed about. 

Weddings are pretty interesting.  If people want to throw a huge party and spend a ton of money to have a great time, they should!  Typically people try to justify it with "well my family will be mad" or "they invited me to theirs" or "what will people think."  These are pretty poor justifications in my opinion, and are the same justifications that get people to buy giant SUVs and McMansions, and to work jobs they hate for way longer than they need to.  If you want the giant party, HAVE IT, but don't try to hide behind a bunch of excuses blaming it on other people or societal norms.

Well I didn't invite those people because of societal norms, or because my family would be mad, but because I like my friends and want to have them at the biggest party we'll ever throw. It's that simple. Maybe your family is great, but if I'm having a party I'd prefer to also have some of my close friends there, some I haven't seen in years, than parting it up with just my parents and MIL..

I don't think I made any excuses. We had a "big" (by your standards, small by other's) party because there were that many people we liked and wanted to have there. We didn't invite anyone we didn't really like, and actually tried to think of more people but couldn't (since the caterer charge extra per person <100). So these were the people we wanted. Close family on each side, "once removed" family (uncles etc), and a dozen or so friends each, all with their spouses or SOs. Like I said this adds up quickly, even more so if one or more family is catholic..

Comparing this to SUV is pretty silly IMO. SUVs are dumb because a smaller, cheaper car will drive your ass to work just as well. I can't have a party with my friends in it by only inviting 11 people..

In short, I guess I basically agree with you, as this is what we did:
"If people want to throw a huge party and spend a ton of money to have a great time, they should!"

[mtn]

Things to "splurge" on: The booze (make it an open bar, or at least free beer), the DJ--make sure he is good and you like him, and make sure that you get everyone there who you will want to be there. This could be 15 people total, or it could be in our case 250 people total. We both have large families or groups of friends, and on each of our sides we were legitimately very close with almost everyone there. The ones that we weren't were dates of people that we were excited to meet, or else close friends of our parents.

I just got married at a very unmustachian wedding. It was probably the best night of my life, and most guests said it was the best wedding they have ever been to.

The reasons for that was the free booze, the music/dj, the guests in attendance, and some of the extras--the popcorn, the Costco cake (which is legitimately wonderful cake), and again, the guests in attendance.

The overpriced flowers, the meal itself, the videographer, the hors d'oeuvre's, the venue*, etc., did not make it what it was.

*we needed the Hors d'oeuvre's, but we could have gone wayyy cheaper, and the venue was wonderful, but we again could have gone cheaper if MIL would have been willing to go to places that just weren't as nice.


The planning and the funding and the family involvment, or lackthereof, or too much (seriously, we had issues with both because MIL was insane) was a nightmare though. If I were to go  back in time, I'd tell my MIL that either

A) she can either pay for the whole thing and leave me completely out of it, other than giving me the same number of guests as you have and having it in Chicagoland (where we live and are from) and having it in a Catholic church (since we're both Catholic),
OR
B) I'll pay for it and do it how I want it, and at the end of the wedding you can give us a monetary gift, or not. Wouldn't matter to me and I won't judge you.

It did create some worries for me, where my mostly mustachian-ish raising was combating against my extremely unmustachian MIL, and my wife who is somewhere closer to mustachianism but very defensive of her mother, was caught in the middle.

[zephyr911]

In short, I guess I basically agree with you, as this is what we did:
"If people want to throw a huge party and spend a ton of money to have a great time, they should!"

As long as the expenses don't put them in the poorhouse, and as long as all cost options are analyzed. Like anything else, it's about being mindful and at least somewhat rational. Are chocolate fountains and ice sculptures inherently ridiculous? Yes. Does that mean you can't do it? Of course not.

Comparing pricey weddings to SUVs is only partially valid. Both can be (and are) sources of great waste in the lives of countless people. But wedding splurges don't generally lock you into a permanently higher cost of living, unless of course you borrow the funds.

[SilveradoBojangles]

We did a week long destination wedding with just our immediate family, since they were the reason we were even having a wedding. We rented a large house for a week, and had a lovely, low key week exploring and hanging out. We had the ceremony in the garden of the place we were staying, and then took some pictures and went out to dinner. We spent far less than the average wedding, and had a lovely week's worth of memories.

[The Pigeon]

My wedding cost $700. not for everyone, that's for sure, but it worked for me!* (*For a time, anyway, ha ha!). [The divorce cost $100].

Wedding:
$100 - officiant/space
$120 - dress
$150 - shoes
$100 - flowers (because I f***d up and said the word "wedding" to the florist).
~$100 - food / champagne
$100? - license/paperwork to make it legal.
And some etc to make up the rest.

Divorce:
$100 - lawyer and filing fees.

I suppose few want a cheap-ass wedding like this, though. It was actually really nice, though, despite it's über frugality.
I made all the food (appetizers) and bought some cheap bubbly. Reception at friend's house. I painted "invitations"/keepsake cards that were passed out at the ceremony. Venue came pre-decorated and with an officiant. Invitations were phone calls. "Hey, we're getting hitched, wanna come?" Groom wore clothes he already owned, I wore a sale dress from Nordstrom. I splurged on the shoes. Cheap, cheery, got the job done! And when the divorce came, I was glad it only cost $700!

Still could have spent less, though... If faced with the same problem (wedding) I'd do city hall with a witness, have a restaurant meal go home. ;-)

[mtn]

Oh, don't tell the venue it is a wedding. The cost is more for a wedding for some reason.

[tetlee]

We did ours for about $4000 with about 80 people.  We had it in a friends backyard which not only saved on venue but let us have an self service open bar with store bought booze.

$606 Wine/Spirits
$177 Two kegs of beer
$200 Gift to friend for landscaping
$600 Catering - Friend who runs catering firm did a walk up BBQ/buffet
$300 Small desert cakes
$876 Rental of chairs, tables, dance floor, linens glasses
$200 Suit for me
$600 for wifes dress
$80 for alterations
$346 Decorations
$10 Subscription to spotify for music and hours spent making a play list
$100 Jewellery, Shoes
$30 Soft drinks
$50 for invites (postcards ordered online)
$30 Flowers from store made into bouquet and button holes

Two friends did the photos
Friend did wifes makeup
Another friend to officiant
PA/Mic was loaned from a guest

We still had some Booze left over despite going from around 4-11pm with people drinking before, during and after the ceremony.

[Jeddy]

Oh, don't tell the venue it is a wedding. The cost is more for a wedding for some reason.

Has anyone found this to actually be true? Our experience found this to be more along the lines of an old wives' tale. Venues want the most money possible for their facility/time/effort, no matter the reason behind the event. We looked into venues for a 'party', we looked into venues for a 'wedding', we looked into venues for an 'event' - all prices were the same (in respect to each other and the 'type' of party we said we were having)

[zephyr911]

We held our wedding with a volunteer friend officiant in the middle of another friend's New Year's party. Spend <$200, mostly on the dress. Best wedding ever.

[Jeremy E.]

My plan:
50 people that we actually care about
Barbecue burgers hotdogs and chips
coolers full of pop, water, beer, hard cider etc.
Have a friend bring good speakers/stereo and play a playlist
not sure on venue, maybe a beach (river bank)
Will find a friend to officiate
Probably a $2,000ish wedding

Just have to get this passed the potential wife....

[mtn]

Oh, don't tell the venue it is a wedding. The cost is more for a wedding for some reason.

Has anyone found this to actually be true? Our experience found this to be more along the lines of an old wives' tale. Venues want the most money possible for their facility/time/effort, no matter the reason behind the event. We looked into venues for a 'party', we looked into venues for a 'wedding', we looked into venues for an 'event' - all prices were the same (in respect to each other and the 'type' of party we said we were having)

I did, yes--I didn't actually get to try it because everyone knew it was a wedding immediately though. I think that it actually probably does make sense--a photographer working a wedding has to put up with a lot more BS, a venue will probably have to deal with a bigger mess at the end of a wedding than a retirement party, etc.

[RangerOne]

Yes it is crazy to think you will get a traditional wedding with a rented reception area, ceremony, food and drinks for $5k, unless you have a lot of friends in the wedding business that will hook you up.

If you have 60+ people you would be lucky to feed them all at that budget. Much less have any party decorations or rented venue. Just calling a party a wedding probably doubles what anyone will charge you for a party service.

Honestly if you are having to foot all the bill yourselves and really want to be cost conscious the only way to have a wedding that doesn't cost a lot is to take care of the venue yourself. A house party with maybe a catered buffet would be the cheapest route. But its a tone of work as 60-80 people is small by wedding standards but its still a lot of people to manage without a professional venue helping.

Or you could consider a tiny guest list and do maybe just a quick ceremony then have a 20-30 person fancy dinner. That would cost around that price or less. I have always liked that option.

But you both have to be on board. I do feel like traditional weddings are as much for your family as they are for you, so if people want a traditional wedding the family better step up and pitch in money. As little as $5k from your parents and the in laws can go a long way. But you will know if this is a possibility or not.

Another thing you can do to mitigate the cost is to ask everyone to bring cash as gifts instead of having a registry. The average non-cheap person will bring $100 to $150 per head as a gift because they know the cost of putting on the party and feeding each person. This will easily net you back $5k-$10k in gifts.

[charis]

We held our wedding with a volunteer friend officiant in the middle of another friend's New Year's party. Spend <$200, mostly on the dress. Best wedding ever.

So you got married at a party that someone else paid for?  Now that is some mustachian ingenuity.

Oh, don't tell the venue it is a wedding. The cost is more for a wedding for some reason.

I don't see this can work in most scenarios - the venue operators are going to figure it out and then you will be uncomfortably caught in a lie.

[ooeei]

Well I didn't invite those people because of societal norms, or because my family would be mad, but because I like my friends and want to have them at the biggest party we'll ever throw. It's that simple. Maybe your family is great, but if I'm having a party I'd prefer to also have some of my close friends there, some I haven't seen in years, than parting it up with just my parents and MIL..

I don't think I made any excuses. We had a "big" (by your standards, small by other's) party because there were that many people we liked and wanted to have there. We didn't invite anyone we didn't really like, and actually tried to think of more people but couldn't (since the caterer charge extra per person <100). So these were the people we wanted. Close family on each side, "once removed" family (uncles etc), and a dozen or so friends each, all with their spouses or SOs. Like I said this adds up quickly, even more so if one or more family is catholic..

Comparing this to SUV is pretty silly IMO. SUVs are dumb because a smaller, cheaper car will drive your ass to work just as well. I can't have a party with my friends in it by only inviting 11 people..

In short, I guess I basically agree with you, as this is what we did:
"If people want to throw a huge party and spend a ton of money to have a great time, they should!"

Great!  I didn't mean to call you out, I was more speaking generally but didn't make it very clear.  Weddings are one of many things where a lot of people have poor justifications for doing them (like buying SUVs).  It sounds like you thought yours through and it was exactly what you wanted. 

I wanted to remind the OP that just because most people have wedding with 100 people and a professional photographer and a super expensive dress and cake and an open bar doesn't mean he needs to.  If the best way he can think to spend $30k (or whatever it may be) is to have a giant one day party, then that's his choice.  I'd be more inclined to do a small immediate family ceremony, have some private get togethers with close friends after, and spend the rest on a trip or something.  Better yet, get closer to FI so one/both of you can stay home with kids if you have them.  $30k is a YEAR of expenses for a good portion of people on this board.  Year of freedom vs. one day party, people must REALLY like to party.

[Cranky]

A wedding costs whatever you want it to cost, and the key thing is to work out what your priorities are and how that fits into your budget. There are an immense number of possibilities, and you can work something out that you'll love.

When my dd got married a few years ago, some of the things we did that saved money -

- we belong to a church with an incredibly beautiful building, and the ceremony was there. We decorated with mums and fall flowers, and it was really lovely.

-the groom's grandmother lives in a neighborhood with a gorgeous clubhouse, and we held the reception there. We could bring in our own food, rather than use a caterer.

- dh has a friend who is a retired professional photographer, and he took the pictures. We only wanted posed pictures after the ceremony, no videography. The pictures were fabulous, he gave them to us on a disc, and he charged us an embarrassingly small fee.

- we didn't serve alcohol at the reception, though some people brought some and drank out by the bonfire. I didn't get into that, and there were family reasons we didn't have a bar. (However, if you have a venue that allows it, it would be pretty simple to do the liquor yourselves.)

- we had an ipod playlist for the dancing.

- we ordered the invitations at a printshop that does job training for the local prison; we've done business with them before and know they do excellent inexpensive work.

I will say that I think that having a catered sit down dinner and an open bar for 80 people is going to be an expensive proposition, but presumably you'll only do it once.

[Meowmalade]

Another thing you can do to mitigate the cost is to ask everyone to bring cash as gifts instead of having a registry. The average non-cheap person will bring $100 to $150 per head as a gift because they know the cost of putting on the party and feeding each person. This will easily net you back $5k-$10k in gifts.

In North America, that would be considered incredibly rude and tasteless.  You're not even supposed to mention your registry in your invitation (these days most couples have a wedding website and link to the registry there).