Supporting MIL

[LoanShark]

I think the best policy for these types of situations is: Don't care more about someone's problems than they do. If you choose to help someone solve a problem, match your effort to the effort they put in. Any time someone asks me for help with something, the first thing I ask is almost always "What have you tried so far?", which is useful in two ways - it helps avoid duplicating effort, and it tells you how serious they are about finding a solution. If the answer is "Nothing" tat tells you a lot right there.

If she doesn't give a shit about her own situation, and she's the one living in it, why on earth should you?

This is PERFECT.

[mm1970]

It's a tricky bit, the Runrooster comparison vs. "just fix it yourself".  I like the teenager analogy, really.

I remember when my dh's grandparents got older.  It was like dealing with toddlers/ teenagers.

They really wanted everything to be done for them, although they were perfectly capable of doing it themselves.  They didn't want to spend their own money on maintenance, like paying a kid to mow the lawn.  They expected dh's parents to do it for them, though his parents were already older themselves and maintaining their own stuff.  They would forget to pay bills, and dh's parents would sit down and make a plan for them. They would agree and then not do it, and laugh about it.

Well, I'm sorry, but that is pretty shitty.  Eventually, after grandpa died, my MIL ended caring for her MIL for many months. Cleaning her house, bathing her, etc.  Until grandma went into the home, where she lived for close to 20 years (she was 97? when she died, and her memory was long gone.)

It's a fine balance.  Just like you don't give your toddler everything he wants, or your teenager everything he wants, you cannot just give in to an elderly parent either.  It sucks to have to parent your parent.

[Sibley]

Well, for the practical issue with the car - if she's not safe to drive (and it sounds like she isn't), report her to the state DMV. There is a process in every state. If they judge her unsafe to drive, they'll revoke her license. At that point, she won't be able to insure the car and of course at that point it's time to sell the car.

We actually had considered that but weren't sure how it all works. My SIL didn't want to do it because she was still asking my MIL to drive her kids around, even though DH and I explicitly agree that it is not safe and she will never be allowed to transport our children. My DH thought that since SIL was still having her drive the kids, the DMV would count that in her favor.

You can google, I did "Indiana unsafe driving" and the first page had info on reporting unsafe senior drivers. You'll have to wade through the usual drunks/rage/bad drivers stuff to find the right piece. The rules vary by state. Some states you can report them anonymously. Some you have to go through their doctor, etc. Will she like it? Nope. But if she's unfit to drive, then too bad. Driving is a privilege, not a right. Too many people forget that.

[Cassie]

None of my grandparents, in-laws or parents expected their kids to do things for them and we don’t either. Hearing these stories is weird to me. When we help each other it’s because we want to.

[LibrarianFuzz]

This post makes me sad. If her best day in life is sitting in a recliner and watching cable, my primary emotion here is pity.

I'd say do whatever you can that won't make you feel regret when all is said and done and you're sitting at her funeral thinking about what the last few years have been like. If that means doing nothing, great. If it means you throw a bone of financial support, fine. Do whatever you can live with.

And be grateful that your life isn't like hers and never will be.

[honeybbq]

I get it that some of you "young-uns" think 70 is like 101.  It isn't. 

It comes in many forms at that age. As an early 40's person with an older spouse - many think he's ten or more years younger than he is. Still runs, has less grey hair than me. A lot of it is genetics and how good of care you take of yourself. I've seen 60 year olds that look 40 and 60 year olds that look 80. I'm sure having a younger spouse helps. :D

[honeybbq]

This post makes me sad. If her best day in life is sitting in a recliner and watching cable, my primary emotion here is pity.

I'd say do whatever you can that won't make you feel regret when all is said and done and you're sitting at her funeral thinking about what the last few years have been like. If that means doing nothing, great. If it means you throw a bone of financial support, fine. Do whatever you can live with.

And be grateful that your life isn't like hers and never will be.

You can't help people that won't help themselves. End of story. I am sad my own parent is in a similar situation but there is literally NOTHING I can do to change it. I have to live with that. It's not always easy, but that's the way it is.

[Livingthedream55]

I think the best policy for these types of situations is: Don't care more about someone's problems than they do. If you choose to help someone solve a problem, match your effort to the effort they put in. Any time someone asks me for help with something, the first thing I ask is almost always "What have you tried so far?", which is useful in two ways - it helps avoid duplicating effort, and it tells you how serious they are about finding a solution. If the answer is "Nothing" tat tells you a lot right there.

If she doesn't give a shit about her own situation, and she's the one living in it, why on earth should you?

So powerful! Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[slappy]

This post makes me sad. If her best day in life is sitting in a recliner and watching cable, my primary emotion here is pity.

I'd say do whatever you can that won't make you feel regret when all is said and done and you're sitting at her funeral thinking about what the last few years have been like. If that means doing nothing, great. If it means you throw a bone of financial support, fine. Do whatever you can live with.

And be grateful that your life isn't like hers and never will be.

I agree totally and I do feel pity, which is why I'm trying to be patient. I think you put it perfectly about the funeral. I don't want to have regrets and I want to avoid bad feelings between the siblings if possible. Losing their dad a few years ago ripped the whole family apart due to the way it was handled. If things go the same way with MIL, the damage may not be repairable.

[Runrooster]

She is no longer driving the kids, but yes, there is a lot that is neglected. She does have a landscaping company mow her loan, but that was only because my husband stopped doing it. And the reason he stopped doing it is because she never asked. She simply called and asked "when are you coming to mow?"  Same with shoveling, plowing.

To be honest, I am willing to have her live with me because I am desperate for my kids to have a grandparent.  (my mother lives across the country and my dad and his wife are not involved.) I literally told my husband, even if she just sat there and watched them play and didn't really interact, at least they would know who she is. (Yes, that is what she does if/when she comes over. She just sits. Rarely interacts with us or the kids. It's awkward.) I also do worry about her falling in the winter. (She has a history of falls.) My husband does not want her to live with us, so that settles that. He looks at it exactly as it has been put here. She would be like another child to care for, and he is not up for that. She would hate living with us anyway, we need turn our tv on! hah

I mean, yes, she is a functioning adult. I think your teenager analogy is a good one. She's like an overgrown teenager. Teenagers are functional, but there is still a lot that parents do for/remind them about, etc. In her case, I worry that it's depression or cognitive decline related, which is why I try to be patient with her.

I don't have a lot of insight about the lawn; I do think in families you do things for each other and settle into a routine without a lot of ceremony.  I certainly don't say thank you or please every time my Dad makes tea, nor do they in return when I put dinner on the table.  We just do it.  I ask what they want, or if something is okay tonight or how hungry they are.  And if I didn't just do it, they would ask what's the schedule for lunch? A few weeks ago I was planning it for 1:30 and Mom got annoyed that it wasn't earlier; small mixup but no hurt feelings.  It's not just because I live with them, my brother regularly borrows the car with little fanfare.  I'm thinking you must have the most polite kids on the planet if they please and thank you over everything you do for them - including paying the mortgage, utilities and groceries?

Or... there's just no real relationship so it's less like family and more like doing favors for an ungrateful stranger?  I have to admit to being the quiet guest when invited over to my SIL house for festival events with their friend group, maybe 6 times a year.  I always feel like I'm eavesdropping on other people's conversations because I know their names but have no real relationship with them.  I'm not a doctor, I don't have kids, I don't share their shopping and travel lifestyles...  My Mom tells everyone about her latest ailments, but I'd rather not.  I wouldn't say my relationship with my SIL is rocky, I'd say it's nonexistent.  She never calls, not for Mothers Day Fathers Day birthdays.  I mean she puts together a nice feast and invites us to take food home, but the invitation, hello, goodbye are all done by my brother.

On the TV: yeah, most families I know have their own MIL suite - a bedroom bathroom and living room for TV usage, phone, quiet, whatever.

[Cassie]

When the last parent dies sometimes siblings realize they don’t have a lot in common or don’t like each other much and they drift apart.

[slappy]

She is no longer driving the kids, but yes, there is a lot that is neglected. She does have a landscaping company mow her loan, but that was only because my husband stopped doing it. And the reason he stopped doing it is because she never asked. She simply called and asked "when are you coming to mow?"  Same with shoveling, plowing.

To be honest, I am willing to have her live with me because I am desperate for my kids to have a grandparent.  (my mother lives across the country and my dad and his wife are not involved.) I literally told my husband, even if she just sat there and watched them play and didn't really interact, at least they would know who she is. (Yes, that is what she does if/when she comes over. She just sits. Rarely interacts with us or the kids. It's awkward.) I also do worry about her falling in the winter. (She has a history of falls.) My husband does not want her to live with us, so that settles that. He looks at it exactly as it has been put here. She would be like another child to care for, and he is not up for that. She would hate living with us anyway, we need turn our tv on! hah

I mean, yes, she is a functioning adult. I think your teenager analogy is a good one. She's like an overgrown teenager. Teenagers are functional, but there is still a lot that parents do for/remind them about, etc. In her case, I worry that it's depression or cognitive decline related, which is why I try to be patient with her.

I don't have a lot of insight about the lawn; I do think in families you do things for each other and settle into a routine without a lot of ceremony.  I certainly don't say thank you or please every time my Dad makes tea, nor do they in return when I put dinner on the table.  We just do it.  I ask what they want, or if something is okay tonight or how hungry they are.  And if I didn't just do it, they would ask what's the schedule for lunch? A few weeks ago I was planning it for 1:30 and Mom got annoyed that it wasn't earlier; small mixup but no hurt feelings.  It's not just because I live with them, my brother regularly borrows the car with little fanfare.  I'm thinking you must have the most polite kids on the planet if they please and thank you over everything you do for them - including paying the mortgage, utilities and groceries?

Or... there's just no real relationship so it's less like family and more like doing favors for an ungrateful stranger?  I have to admit to being the quiet guest when invited over to my SIL house for festival events with their friend group, maybe 6 times a year.  I always feel like I'm eavesdropping on other people's conversations because I know their names but have no real relationship with them.  I'm not a doctor, I don't have kids, I don't share their shopping and travel lifestyles...  My Mom tells everyone about her latest ailments, but I'd rather not.  I wouldn't say my relationship with my SIL is rocky, I'd say it's nonexistent.  She never calls, not for Mothers Day Fathers Day birthdays.  I mean she puts together a nice feast and invites us to take food home, but the invitation, hello, goodbye are all done by my brother.

On the TV: yeah, most families I know have their own MIL suite - a bedroom bathroom and living room for TV usage, phone, quiet, whatever.

My kids are weird as heck. Yes, they do thank me for those things. My six year old regularly thanks me for working so that we have housing/food etc. When I get home from grocery shopping, he definitely thanks me for buying groceries. My four year old thanks for me for item individually! "Mom, thanks for buying cereal. Mom, thanks for buying melon. Mom, thanks for buying yogurt."  He also gets very excited when we wash his favorite shirt or pajamas and thanks us profusely. Haha, they are strange.

My husband feels its disrespectful when she just expects us to do things like mow the lawn or shovel. It could be because he is a SAHP and his family seems to think that he has all the time in the world to do whatever they need. In reality, he has three kids under six to manage and it's not an easy task. That bit about borrowing the car without much communication would never fly in this family! In fact, I don't even know if she would let us borrow it unless we had some dire reason. Which I guess goes to show exactly what the family situation is like.

[partgypsy]

The fact that you are creating a post because your MIL owes you 44 for groceries feels like there is more to the story. Your elaboration of how she has not taken care of herself, only worked a $9 an hour job and has done financially irresponsible stuff puts your raging annoyance into perspective. Like other people have said, you are getting pretty upset at something that is minor. Maybe it's because other feelings (judging her life, fearing that she will spend her money and become a financial burden on you and your husband).

Anyways I kind of agree with others, that even if you don't think she's that old, she is past retirment age (and worked past normal retirement age) in a job that kind of wrecked her physically so she can't really walk. Her husband died a couple years ago who seemed to be her only social emotional close contact, she's probably depressed too.

Honestly I don't see getting groceries or even picking up small tabs that big of a deal. When my Mom was still living in a house my brother and sister nearby would take turns to help her with her lawn or shovel snow; she didn't need to say please or thank you; as family would rather do it than have to have her use her limited funds to hire it out.

In your case I would talk with your husband about what you as a couple are willing and not willing to do, and stick with that. Maybe that's the MIL allowing you to use her cc to buy the groceries. Or having her prepay via app for the groceries, and you pick it up. Also let your husband know, that you actually DON'T mind your MIL living with you all, if that is true.

If your brother was up for it, for HIM to have a conversation with the sibs about what they should or should not do for the mom, especially as time passes. She may end up living a long time.

[mm1970]

My husband feels its disrespectful when she just expects us to do things like mow the lawn or shovel. It could be because he is a SAHP and his family seems to think that he has all the time in the world to do whatever they need. In reality, he has three kids under six to manage and it's not an easy task. That bit about borrowing the car without much communication would never fly in this family! In fact, I don't even know if she would let us borrow it unless we had some dire reason. Which I guess goes to show exactly what the family situation is like.

Some of this is just cultural, as discussed already.

Some of this is just being "squeezed", in the sandwich generation.

I remember when my grandmother died...she was 65.  My grandfather was 69-ish.  There is no way that man would be able to fully take care of himself.  Not that I think 69 is old (he lived to be 86), he just was not a man who was going to be able to care for his full house, feed himself, etc.  My mother and her sisters would go to his house to help out.  I remember an entire summer going 3x a week with my mom (I was 11 or 12), to clean his house, prepare him some food to reheat, visit, etc.  My grandpa was an awesome guy.

But here's the thing.  I was 11.  I wasn't 2 or 3.  It was the summer.  My mother did not work (yet).  Her children were 17, 11, and 9.  She had time to do this.  My aunts were both working, but they helped out, (they did less).  My grandfather remarried the following summer.

I could absolutely, positively, not do anything like this.  I do not live near family, but if I did?  My stepfather went through a couple of years of cancer treatment in his late 60s, early 70s, when my kids were 6 and 12.  I have a full time job.  I literally do not have time for everything that I already have to do - there's no way I could be taking time off to mow his lawn, clean his house, or cook him meals. (I did change a trip to drive in for 4 days straight and do just that, right before his cancer diagnosis.  He was THRILLED but he would never expect it).  Luckily, his brother and sister are nearby and retired, so they were able to drive him for his treatment.  He's learned to heat up food.  For awhile he was able to have a cleaning person, but she got a ft job.  My sister and her husband and son help out a LOT around the property - but again, my sister's son is a grown man.  She works FT, her husband works, but they aren't managing children in schools. 

It's a completely different dynamic when you have small children and/ or a full time job on top of that.

Like it or not, as people have aged and live longer, and as people put off having children - you are going to see more and more of this.  No longer do you have a 70 year old mother with a 48 year old son and 18 and 24 year old grandchildren.  I mean, you do, occasionally, but not as often.  My inlaws/parents are between the ages of 72 and 82 and our kids are 7 and 14 AND we both work full time.

[totoro]

Or... there's just no real relationship so it's less like family and more like doing favors for an ungrateful stranger? 

I'm with you in principle Runrooster - we should take care of our elderly and parents should take care of their children well.  We should want to care for them as much as we can because they did the same for us.

Unfortunately, in NA many family relationships are fractured and dysfunctional and people don't want to do this and in NA there is less social pressure to do this.  To be blunt - some parents and some children do end up like ungrateful strangers as a result of unresolved or unresolvable family issues.

I don't think the OP is wrong for feeling as she does.  The OP has no relationship with her MIL other than one created in adulthood by marriage and it doesn't sound like the MIL has done anything to create a close and caring bond and it should not be up to her to prop up a situation that is not reasonable or affordable for the MIL. The fact that the OPs husband does not want to help probably says more about how he was treated as a child than anything else.  Under these circumstances I'd be discussing how to move to a better situation (maybe sell house and car and move to apartment with assisted living?) with the siblings and coming up with a plan that MIL might be willing to work on.

I believe you get back what you put in to a degree and it is hard to create a reciprocal bond if a parent has not put the love and support in over time.  Even more important to do in North America where there is less cultural emphasis on family relationships as a priority IMO.

[Playing with Fire UK]

She is no longer driving the kids, but yes, there is a lot that is neglected. She does have a landscaping company mow her loan, but that was only because my husband stopped doing it. And the reason he stopped doing it is because she never asked. She simply called and asked "when are you coming to mow?"  Same with shoveling, plowing.

To be honest, I am willing to have her live with me because I am desperate for my kids to have a grandparent.  (my mother lives across the country and my dad and his wife are not involved.) I literally told my husband, even if she just sat there and watched them play and didn't really interact, at least they would know who she is. (Yes, that is what she does if/when she comes over. She just sits. Rarely interacts with us or the kids. It's awkward.) I also do worry about her falling in the winter. (She has a history of falls.) My husband does not want her to live with us, so that settles that. He looks at it exactly as it has been put here. She would be like another child to care for, and he is not up for that. She would hate living with us anyway, we need turn our tv on! hah
...

If I were you (and I am not, and relationships are different), this would be guiding my behaviour. It is your husbands job to maintain the relationship with his parent, not yours to maintain a relationship with a parent-in-law. Sometimes in-law relationships work amazingly well, but it's not a requirement to make them work if they don't. Your husband has been clear what he is willing to do and not willing to do, it sounds like the frustration at the utter lack of gratitude is very similar to your feelings (I don't believe this is about $44 - it's about the entitlement to your time and resources with no gratitude or offer of a return favour). He has been further down this path than you and made his choice, you have no obligation to follow him down a path that he's abandoned.

Regarding the children knowing the grandparent: it is nice when kids know grandparents who love them and want to spend time with them and see them grow. There might be less benefit than you are thinking to knowing a grandparent who just sits there. Honestly, that sounds like it could be actively harmful for a child - to know that their grandmother would rather sit there in silence and stare at a wall than speak to them. I'd rather not know that person than know them.

It must be really hard to want your children to have an involved grandparent and have your mother so far away. I feel for you, but this MIL isn't going to be the one to fix it. Maybe it would help to process these feelings, maybe the kids can have a Skype or phone relationship with your mother or maybe there are other (future) friends who can fill that role?

Be kind to yourself by doing less for someone ungrateful who fills you will all these negative feelings. You can't change her.

[Chris Pascale]

My in-laws blew all their money on gambling addictions.

My biological parents are alcoholics and chain smokers who have destroyed their health.

Support they get from me: -0.0

(and I sleep soundly at night, like a baby)

By taking care of yourself, you are doing a very good thing. And part of taking care of yourself may have to be knowing where you cannot help others.

[Spud]

To be honest, I am willing to have her live with me because I am desperate for my kids to have a grandparent.

Are you desperate for your kids to have the perfect "as-portrayed-on-film-and-TV" grandparent? Your MIL sounds like the antithesis of that.

[Runrooster]

(maybe sell house and car and move to apartment with assisted living?) with the siblings and coming up with a plan that MIL might be willing to work on.

Assisted living is not a cheaper alternative to independent living.  All the skills and services cost a pretty penny, to the tune of $100K/year.  It's really only for the very wealthy.

[KBecks]

Slappy, it sounds like you dislike and/or are angry with your MIL and it also sounds like you and your DH have been through a lot with the loss of his Dad.  It's hard to lose a parent.

Then the question is -- what do you want to do with this situation?  MIL is, of course, part of your life.  You only control you so hang in there, recruit your husband for help and you should do what you think is the best answer.

[slappy]

Slappy, it sounds like you dislike and/or are angry with your MIL and it also sounds like you and your DH have been through a lot with the loss of his Dad.  It's hard to lose a parent.

Then the question is -- what do you want to do with this situation?  MIL is, of course, part of your life.  You only control you so hang in there, recruit your husband for help and you should do what you think is the best answer.

Yes, we did go through a lot with the loss of his dad. There is so much baggage there with his illness and the way SIL and MIL handled it. My husband also feels like his mom gave up on life at that point, so he feels he lost both parents at once. There's no question she is depressed, as my husband was when everything happened. We have worked through it with therapy for my husband, but even his therapist suggested he not worry about his family, as it just frustrates him and there is nothing he can really do about it.

[wenchsenior]

I get it that some of you "young-uns" think 70 is like 101.  It isn't. 

It comes in many forms at that age. As an early 40's person with an older spouse - many think he's ten or more years younger than he is. Still runs, has less grey hair than me. A lot of it is genetics and how good of care you take of yourself. I've seen 60 year olds that look 40 and 60 year olds that look 80. I'm sure having a younger spouse helps. :D

Yup, extremely variable by the person.  My parents are doing ok in their mid 70s, though certainly not what I'd consider 'well'. They have pretty much stopped engaging with life in the sense that I think most people would consider 'a good life'.  However, of my grandparents, one died in his 50s, and the other 3 were all essentially disabled and mostly immobile by age 70. Hell, my grandmothers were both struggling with moving around and doing day to day stuff by their early 60s. 

It's the same with our circle of friends. Some are aging MUST faster than others (it seems usually to do with diet and exercise, but sometimes there are other apparent reasons).

[FIRE Artist]

Regarding the children knowing the grandparent: it is nice when kids know grandparents who love them and want to spend time with them and see them grow. There might be less benefit than you are thinking to knowing a grandparent who just sits there. Honestly, that sounds like it could be actively harmful for a child - to know that their grandmother would rather sit there in silence and stare at a wall than speak to them. I'd rather not know that person than know them.

I was going to say something to this effect, and even worse, she could take her frustrations/depression out on one or all the kids.  My father was emotionally abused by his elderly grandmother who was brought to live in the home with them until she passed.  She decided of the 4 children, that my father was the one she disliked and abused him on the regular.  My aunt who was 2 years older than my father related this to me.  When his own mother needed care, my mother asked if she should live with us and my dad said absolutely no way he would subject his children to that. 

[saguaro]

Regarding the children knowing the grandparent: it is nice when kids know grandparents who love them and want to spend time with them and see them grow. There might be less benefit than you are thinking to knowing a grandparent who just sits there. Honestly, that sounds like it could be actively harmful for a child - to know that their grandmother would rather sit there in silence and stare at a wall than speak to them. I'd rather not know that person than know them.

I was going to say something to this effect, and even worse, she could take her frustrations/depression out on one or all the kids.  My father was emotionally abused by his elderly grandmother who was brought to live in the home with them until she passed.  She decided of the 4 children, that my father was the one she disliked and abused him on the regular.  My aunt who was 2 years older than my father related this to me.  When his own mother needed care, my mother asked if she should live with us and my dad said absolutely no way he would subject his children to that.

And this is true not just with kids but even with the adult child taking the parent in.    While growing up, dear old FIL had the propensity to be more of an asshole than usual when he was ill and he tended to take out more of his frustrations on his son (DH) in general.  DH was a very sensitive child and was a target.  Even talking on the phone FIL gets into his old abusive self but at least DH can end the call.  So DH has said he would never take in his dad, his mom maybe but now even she's too far gone for that. 

[mm1970]

I get it that some of you "young-uns" think 70 is like 101.  It isn't. 

It comes in many forms at that age. As an early 40's person with an older spouse - many think he's ten or more years younger than he is. Still runs, has less grey hair than me. A lot of it is genetics and how good of care you take of yourself. I've seen 60 year olds that look 40 and 60 year olds that look 80. I'm sure having a younger spouse helps. :D

Yup, extremely variable by the person.  My parents are doing ok in their mid 70s, though certainly not what I'd consider 'well'. They have pretty much stopped engaging with life in the sense that I think most people would consider 'a good life'.  However, of my grandparents, one died in his 50s, and the other 3 were all essentially disabled and mostly immobile by age 70. Hell, my grandmothers were both struggling with moving around and doing day to day stuff by their early 60s. 

It's the same with our circle of friends. Some are aging MUST faster than others (it seems usually to do with diet and exercise, but sometimes there are other apparent reasons).

Totally.  I know a lot of people from age 40 to 90, and it's quite the variety.

I don't consider 70 to be old, but neither my mother nor her mother lived that long. (alcoholism for one, diabetes and heart attack for the other).

[MaybeBabyMustache]

I get it that some of you "young-uns" think 70 is like 101.  It isn't. 

It comes in many forms at that age. As an early 40's person with an older spouse - many think he's ten or more years younger than he is. Still runs, has less grey hair than me. A lot of it is genetics and how good of care you take of yourself. I've seen 60 year olds that look 40 and 60 year olds that look 80. I'm sure having a younger spouse helps. :D

Yup, extremely variable by the person.  My parents are doing ok in their mid 70s, though certainly not what I'd consider 'well'. They have pretty much stopped engaging with life in the sense that I think most people would consider 'a good life'.  However, of my grandparents, one died in his 50s, and the other 3 were all essentially disabled and mostly immobile by age 70. Hell, my grandmothers were both struggling with moving around and doing day to day stuff by their early 60s. 

It's the same with our circle of friends. Some are aging MUST faster than others (it seems usually to do with diet and exercise, but sometimes there are other apparent reasons).

I'm very grateful that my parents drilled in from a young age, and continue to demonstrate now, the absolute critical nature of taking care of your physical & mental well being. They are still leading by example, and my dad is about to turn 70 and works out every day, mostly mountain biking on miles and miles of mountain biking trails he built. My mom is 67 and also works out every day.

They are incredible active people, and enjoy life every day. They are also lucky, as they have had good health in other ways (no diseases not caused by exercise & diet, etc). It's a really powerful example to me, and reminds me how quickly you can go from feeling energetic and active, to sitting in a chair watching TV.

[JestJes]

Your title How can you not support your parents, even if you don't want to?

Both of my parents are self centered assholes. Just because they got together and had a baby doesn't make them good people. There are so many underlying reasons people don't need to support their parents.

There are toxic personality disorders in the parents that can damage the children. Behind closed door abuse to the children. I sure hope those children don't support their parents. I could go on but you get it. Reading your title kind of irritated me because I don't want to support my parents and have really good reasons not to.

Such a great post.  I struggled with this because I had the idea that you should support your family no matter what, but the truth of the matter is that you choose who your family is. My parents were, and will likely always be terrible people. I don't have to deal with that just because they kept me alive growing up. I'm all for giving chances but if someone is consistently showing you that you are not important to them then stop interacting with them.

Also this is your husbands responsibility. I think sometimes as women we feel that we need to keep the families together but think to yourself if you really want to be together with this women. We see my family way more than my SOs because I don't handle getting together with them. This suits me because honestly, I don't like hanging out with them. Stop making yourself miserable over a misplaced sense of obligation to people who don't care about you.

[SunnyDays]

So you’ve said that this woman has never put any effort into anything her whole life and continues not to because she is traumatized and depressed by her husband’s death, and won’t do anything about that either.

But you are desperate to have your children have a “relationship” with this totally passive person and wouldn’t mind if she moved in with you.  WHY?  And you also say you mostly are worried about what the rest of the family will think.  This whole grocery issue is so not the issue.  If you take on your MIL as your responsibility, you’ll be in for a world of hurt.  Listen to your husband - it’s his mother and he knows best.

Gift her $50 worth of groceries a month and be happy to get off lightly.

[jeninco]

We've found various older people in our community whom we actually like, and who we're happy to help out and visit with. Mostly they are parents of friends of ours (some of whom have moved away, the friends I mean), but some are also neighbors. We get local grandparent/parent types, they get support and younger people to be around. We're happy to do small chores for them, and they're delighted to have us help (and we often get repaid in garden veggies, or baked goods). 

I suggest finding some older folks in your vicinity who are in good shape and aren't assholes.

[kite]

$44 worth of groceries is charity.  If that is an affordable and ‘right’ amount for you to give, then go forth and don’t think about it again.  That you did it once doesn’t compel you to do it again.  But when the 15th rolls around and she does give you something... that is the money for the next month’s groceries and you’ll always be 1 month ahead of the game.

I’m a bit of a Christian holy roller. So use that knowledge about me to accept or completely disregard my thoughts, such as they are.  My church operates a soup-kitchen that provides meals on weekends when the government run soup kitchen is closed.  We prep & serve breakfast and dinner; and then we send folks home with a ‘to-go’ bag for a later meal.  Early on, there were some guests that I resented.  They absolutely put themselves (and their children) into desperate circumstances through their own behavior and decisions.  And it’s never a one time bad decision or event.  It’s a repeated, over and over and over and over behavior that put them where they were:  hungry. In need of a free meal.  And in need of so much more.  At a certain stage of the game, I realized that when I’m resentful, it means I’m doing too much.   
As I said, I am a Christian.  I believe there is a God and I’m not Him****.  Thus, I’m not the savior.  I can give a meal.  And I can keep on pointing those in need to resources that might help them.  And I can vote and do all the other civic good deeds. But I can’t fix the lives of other people.  Many are going to suffer and like Jesus said (and Moses before him) “The poor you will always have with you.”    Decide what you can do.  Do that joyfully, without resentment.  And don’t feel guilty or self-righteous.  Also, ask for help.  It’s not good for anyone to undertake an enormous burden alone.  I know, $44 in groceries is not enormous, but trying to manage the effed up life of someone else is monumental. 

****This works if you are not a believer, too.  If there is no god, then I’m obviously not him either. 

[totoro]

(maybe sell house and car and move to apartment with assisted living?) with the siblings and coming up with a plan that MIL might be willing to work on.

Assisted living is not a cheaper alternative to independent living.  All the skills and services cost a pretty penny, to the tune of $100K/year.  It's really only for the very wealthy.

I'm in Canada. Not the same here but presumably you could hire your own caregivers to come to an apartment to assist for a couple hours a day for far less than that in the US?  If the house is sold and she rents a small apartment there should be funds for this.