Author Topic: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?  (Read 8113 times)

without_a_map

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Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« on: September 25, 2017, 02:51:48 AM »
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 13 years, and having just turned 30, we are starting to feel like we would like to get married. We arenít religious and donít want to have children, so havenít really been that bothered in the past, but I really want to be able to call him my husband instead of my boyfriend! ;P It will also make things a little easier from a legal perspective, e.g if we buy a house.

The trouble is, now we are really getting stuck into saving properly, Iím not sure we can bring ourselves to spend lots of money on the wedding! Is it really possible to do a wedding cheaply? I just found out that my brother- and sister-in-law who I thought did it super-cheaply spent £5000, which seems like a massive amount of money to me (half my net worth)! Should we just get married and not bother with the party? Will we make ourselves into social pariahs if we donít invite everyone who has invited us to their weddings?

Do you consider a wedding a need or a want?

pbkmaine

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2017, 03:13:25 AM »
Go to the register’s office and get married. Have a party after if you want.

without_a_map

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2017, 03:39:02 AM »
Go to the registerís office and get married. Have a party after if you want.

That is probably what we will do if we do go ahead, but we couldn't have a party at our house so would need to hire some sort of venue for the party, and I can see costs quickly getting out of hand!

pbkmaine

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #3 on: September 25, 2017, 03:44:34 AM »
Go to the register’s office and get married. Have a party after if you want.

That is probably what we will do if we do go ahead, but we couldn't have a party at our house so would need to hire some sort of venue for the party, and I can see costs quickly getting out of hand!

Do you have a friend or relative with a big house and garden who could host? What about drinks at a pub? Or punch and cake at the town hall?

without_a_map

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #4 on: September 25, 2017, 04:14:12 AM »
Go to the registerís office and get married. Have a party after if you want.

That is probably what we will do if we do go ahead, but we couldn't have a party at our house so would need to hire some sort of venue for the party, and I can see costs quickly getting out of hand!

Do you have a friend or relative with a big house and garden who could host? What about drinks at a pub? Or punch and cake at the town hall?

Unfortunately no one I can think of! Pub might be possible, I know the landlord of one and he might let us use a room or two and the garden. Other option is the village hall which looks quite cheap to hire, but I reckon with a bit of food and drink we are looking at about £2000 total, which could be invested and earning me money...

katekat

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #5 on: September 25, 2017, 04:30:46 AM »
I found the costs stacked up very quickly when I got married, for sure. I definitely limited myself by wanting:
a) to get married in a pretty location with people at the ceremony,
b) to have a reception at the same location as the ceremony.
Because of UK marriage laws about where weddings can be held this really limited my options, and I went quite 'traditional' on some other stuff (i.e. clothes, flowers, photographer). In this sense, the answer to "is it possible to have a wedding cheaply?" is kind-of yes and no. It's 'yes' in that of course you can throw out almost all the rulebook and do it on a shoestring (nearly, see costs of ~£150 below). It's 'no' in that for specific aspects, if you choose to have them, it's really hard to get them below a baseline cost (e.g. if you want a professional photographer, there's only so low you can go on costs for that).

I reckon if you're willing to do a just-you-and-two-witnesses wedding followed by a party in a pub it could be done more cheaply, for sure. I think that in my area the bare minimum bureaucratic costs of getting legally married are ~£150. Many traditional/'proper' pubs around here (and I think Irish centres too) will allow use of function rooms for free on the assumption that people will be drinking and they will make their money that way, so if that fits your crowd, it might be a good plan. Almost certainly they won't allow outside catering so you might want to pick on the basis of their available food options.

That said, if you don't want to do a party, don't. No, you probably won't make yourself social pariahs. Certainly if you effectively 'elope', you sidestep the etiquette of 'who you have to invite' somewhat -- it's not offensive to people, in my experience, to be 'not invited' to a party that didn't happen the same way that it might be to be 'not invited' to a party that did happen. This is true of peers/friends, at least. Close family is pricklier but you will know best whether they will be upset at you not having a wedding.

Do you consider a wedding a need or a want?

For me, a legal wedding was a 'need' (for immigration reasons).
Once a legal wedding was in the works, a 'wedding' (e.g. having family and friends attend) was technically a 'want' but began to really feel like a 'need' because of how disappointing it would be to family otherwise.
Once having people in attendance was in the works, hosting them well was another 'want' that felt like a 'need', because a lot of them were travelling from another continent so I thought sandwiches at home didn't really make up for it.

without_a_map

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2017, 04:59:18 AM »
I found the costs stacked up very quickly when I got married, for sure. I definitely limited myself by wanting:
a) to get married in a pretty location with people at the ceremony,
b) to have a reception at the same location as the ceremony.
Because of UK marriage laws about where weddings can be held this really limited my options, and I went quite 'traditional' on some other stuff (i.e. clothes, flowers, photographer). In this sense, the answer to "is it possible to have a wedding cheaply?" is kind-of yes and no. It's 'yes' in that of course you can throw out almost all the rulebook and do it on a shoestring (nearly, see costs of ~£150 below). It's 'no' in that for specific aspects, if you choose to have them, it's really hard to get them below a baseline cost (e.g. if you want a professional photographer, there's only so low you can go on costs for that).

...


Thank you for your reply, lots of helpful info there! Like you say, I think the choice is either to 'elope' and go for a super-quiet register office job, or go for the party and do it properly. I agree that if we are going to have the party I would want it to be done properly, I'd rather not have it at all than feel like we are being cheap and not giving everyone a good day. However, there are lots of traditional expensive things I'm not bothered about, for example I'll make my own dress, I can ask my aunt to make a cake, we won't do fancy cars or have bridesmaids or groomsmen etc.

Thanks!

shelivesthedream

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2017, 05:32:29 AM »
Weddings (with a capital W) are horrendous. Don't do it. Ours was super-cheap and we loved it.

Just don't have:
Flowers
Hired musicians
Decorations
Open bar
People you only invited out of a sense of obligation
A big white dress
Catered food
Bridesmaids
Professional makeup
...the list goes on.

Admittedly we didn't have many guests, but ours was a few hundred quid. I got married in a day dress and we had champagne and sandwiches in the garden afterwards. My grandmother got snap-happy and everyone had a camera phone these days. My mother baked a cake. We have a friend who played the organ. Job done. Marriage achieved. Honestly, just say no to everything.

Linea_Norway

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2017, 05:47:01 AM »
We were in the same situation as you are in 2002. It is still nice to get married and be able to call your other half your spouse. It gives a mental security that your OH really chose you. So, yes, go for it.

We had a pretty cheap wedding. We made the following choices:

Dress: I bought an evening gown instead of white wedding dress. This save 50% at least on a dress. I'm sure you can buy a second hand dress for even cheaper. I bought shoes in a fitting colour at an el cheapo shoe store. I also bought a fake pearl/silver necklace to go with the dress.

Suit: My DH bought a proper suit that he can also use at other occasions/funerals (once he went to a lunch with the Norwegian king present, using his wedding suit). This suit was not cheap, but he can use it for decades ahead.

Inviting people: We didn't tell our family about the wedding. We asked the nearest family (parents, brothers) that we were having a party to celebrate that we knew each other for 10 years. We asked them to come to the house where our witnesses lived (2 friends) in nice clothes. There we told them we were going to be married. This way I prevented my mother to invite lots of other people.

Rings: We bought basic wedding rings (gold with titanium). No money spent on diamonds.

Wedding itself: We booked a wedding at the register, in our old town house. It was on a Friday, which is the most expensive weekday. But we did that to be more convenient for the family. Monday morning is the cheapest, but it is not a nice day, I think.

Photos: Our witness who is a professional photographer offered to take our wedding photos on forehand. He asked once of his colleagues to take photos during the wedding. We got the photobook as a present from him and his wife who was the other witness.

Hair: I paid for the hairdresser to get my hair done nicely.

Flowers: When buying flowers, I didn't mention the word wedding. I just asked for a small bouquet. That cost almost nothing. I had a small bunch of flowers to carry for very cheap. If you mention the word "wedding" everything you order will multiply by 5 or 10.

Transport: For transport we used normal taxies. My brother was smart when he got married. He borrowed a nice open car from a friend of my mother's. It had only place for 2 people, so he drove himself.  He washed it and put flowers on it and it looked very nice.

Dinner: We booked a table in a pub very close to the city hall where we got married. The have good food and we paid for a 3 course meal for the guests.

Wedding night: We booked a room at a very nice hotel. Normally we stay at my mother's house and we didn't want to do it this special night. There we not many hotels to choose from.

Information afterwards: We made cards to inform the rest of the people we knew. We printed them on white carton on our own printer and added a picture. I'm sure you can find a smart and cheap way to inform everyone. We did this before facebook existed.

I don't know how much we spent, but is could have been a lot more if we would have sponsored a dinner at a restaurant for the whole extended family. The way we did it though, doesn't generate many presents. I am sure you will be able to do things a lot more cheaply than we did.

slappy

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2017, 06:26:02 AM »
If you want to be married, just go to the courthouse and get married. If you want a wedding, I guess that's a different story.

without_a_map

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #10 on: September 25, 2017, 06:40:20 AM »
Weddings (with a capital W) are horrendous. Don't do it. Ours was super-cheap and we loved it.

Just don't have:
Flowers
Hired musicians
Decorations
Open bar
People you only invited out of a sense of obligation
A big white dress
Catered food
Bridesmaids
Professional makeup
...the list goes on.

Admittedly we didn't have many guests, but ours was a few hundred quid. I got married in a day dress and we had champagne and sandwiches in the garden afterwards. My grandmother got snap-happy and everyone had a camera phone these days. My mother baked a cake. We have a friend who played the organ. Job done. Marriage achieved. Honestly, just say no to everything.

What you did sounds pretty much perfect! Shame none of my family have a big garden, but the village hall might od the job. I might be tempted by some decorations though! ;)

ishoutedmyjoy

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #11 on: September 25, 2017, 07:05:11 AM »
yeah, my wife and i had a cheap wedding. did most on this list but did it differently. it was fun to piecemeal it together and have friends help out in different ways.

Weddings (with a capital W) are horrendous. Don't do it. Ours was super-cheap and we loved it.

Just don't have:
Flowers or pick wild ones or hit up a friend with a garden
Hired musicians had a friend dj
Decorationsdiy a couple. we spray painted used wine bottles
Open barmake your own alcohol. wine kits are cheap, we threw some cedar chips in and it was delish
People you only invited out of a sense of obligation
A big white dress
Catered foodhad a local restaurant just do a simple buffet
Bridesmaids
Professional makeup
...the list goes on.

Admittedly we didn't have many guests, but ours was a few hundred quid. I got married in a day dress and we had champagne and sandwiches in the garden afterwards. My grandmother got snap-happy and everyone had a camera phone these days. My mother baked a cake. We have a friend who played the organ. Job done. Marriage achieved. Honestly, just say no to everything.

Aggie1999

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #12 on: September 25, 2017, 07:16:58 AM »
I'd say funerals (at least in the US) are right up there with weddings as the ultimate anti-mustachianism. Probably even worse.

without_a_map

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #13 on: September 25, 2017, 07:20:48 AM »
We were in the same situation as you are in 2002. It is still nice to get married and be able to call your other half your spouse. It gives a mental security that your OH really chose you. So, yes, go for it.


...


Sounds like you very much did things your way, and sounds like a lovely day. Not telling family might be a good idea for us, especially as some of the boyfriend's aunts and uncles cheekily invited THEMSELVES to his brother's wedding, despite them wanting to keep things small!

without_a_map

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #14 on: September 25, 2017, 07:31:00 AM »
yeah, my wife and i had a cheap wedding. did most on this list but did it differently. it was fun to piecemeal it together and have friends help out in different ways.

Weddings (with a capital W) are horrendous. Don't do it. Ours was super-cheap and we loved it.

Just don't have:
Flowers or pick wild ones or hit up a friend with a garden
Hired musicians had a friend dj
Decorationsdiy a couple. we spray painted used wine bottles
Open barmake your own alcohol. wine kits are cheap, we threw some cedar chips in and it was delish
People you only invited out of a sense of obligation
A big white dress
Catered foodhad a local restaurant just do a simple buffet
Bridesmaids
Professional makeup
...the list goes on.

Admittedly we didn't have many guests, but ours was a few hundred quid. I got married in a day dress and we had champagne and sandwiches in the garden afterwards. My grandmother got snap-happy and everyone had a camera phone these days. My mother baked a cake. We have a friend who played the organ. Job done. Marriage achieved. Honestly, just say no to everything.

If we do go for it we would do at least some of these things. I like the idea of having friends and close family involved, it would make it more fun i think.

Drifterrider

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #15 on: September 25, 2017, 07:32:06 AM »
Go to the registerís office and get married. Have a party after if you want.

That is probably what we will do if we do go ahead, but we couldn't have a party at our house so would need to hire some sort of venue for the party, and I can see costs quickly getting out of hand!

Why do you feel compelled to pay for a party for others just so they can cheer you?

Do you really have so many "friends" or are they really "acquaintances"?  Are you doing this "wedding" for you or for them?

Men get married, women have weddings.  The marketing is just as good as DeBeers.

shelivesthedream

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #16 on: September 25, 2017, 07:42:23 AM »
Weddings (with a capital W) are horrendous. Don't do it. Ours was super-cheap and we loved it.

Just don't have:
Flowers
Hired musicians
Decorations
Open bar
People you only invited out of a sense of obligation
A big white dress
Catered food
Bridesmaids
Professional makeup
...the list goes on.

Admittedly we didn't have many guests, but ours was a few hundred quid. I got married in a day dress and we had champagne and sandwiches in the garden afterwards. My grandmother got snap-happy and everyone had a camera phone these days. My mother baked a cake. We have a friend who played the organ. Job done. Marriage achieved. Honestly, just say no to everything.

What you did sounds pretty much perfect! Shame none of my family have a big garden, but the village hall might od the job. I might be tempted by some decorations though! ;)

Also, ask for no presents but ask people to bring a dish or a bottle to the party. Wedding presents are also bullshit, especially as so few people who get married these days are setting up a household for the first time. Remember: just say no. We also didn't have a honeymoon. It's basically just a holiday and we couldn't afford one/didn't feel we had to have one just because we got married. We just went home afterwards.

I do feel very strongly about wedding crap. A fancy wedding does not a successful marriage make, and there is no reason to do wedding stuff just because you are "supposed to". It is a public declaration, so it's not just all about you, it is about the people you've invited to witness it, but you are under no obligation to provide them with a four-course sit-down meal or endless glasses of wine.

without_a_map

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #17 on: September 25, 2017, 07:47:37 AM »
Go to the registerís office and get married. Have a party after if you want.

That is probably what we will do if we do go ahead, but we couldn't have a party at our house so would need to hire some sort of venue for the party, and I can see costs quickly getting out of hand!

Why do you feel compelled to pay for a party for others just so they can cheer you?

Do you really have so many "friends" or are they really "acquaintances"?  Are you doing this "wedding" for you or for them?

Men get married, women have weddings.  The marketing is just as good as DeBeers.

I think it isn't so much that they can cheer us, as either way we will have the actual marriage ceremony at a register office with just a few people, likely <10. A party after would be to celebrate, and I guess an excuse to get the people we love altogether, same as any celebration party, e.g. a birthday. It is a valid point though as to who the party would actually be FOR. I can think of about 50 people I would actually want there, about 20 close friends that we both like and spend a lot of time with, and a few close family from each side: Parents, siblings, a couple of Aunts/uncles that are very close.

We definitely won't be lining the pockets of DeBeers, I really don't get the point of diamonds!

There is no way I want to play princess, I don't buy into the Hollywood dream and don't expect some fantasy proposal or anything silly like that. I hope that if we do go for a wedding it will be for both of us and he will enjoy it as much as me.

ixtap

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #18 on: September 25, 2017, 09:09:41 AM »
For any given level of celebration, the number of people will have a huge impact on the price. We actually had a pretty fancy reception: champagne brunch cruise. But there were only six of us.

If we had gotten married before we moved, we would have wanted our friends and if you invite friends, you should invite family...luckily, we only got engaged about a month before hubby moved, so there wasn't time to plan all that.

TartanTallulah

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #19 on: September 25, 2017, 09:35:23 AM »
We had a very cheap wedding - register office, no rings, party back at ours, food provided, bring your own booze - and even that was more than DH and I would have had if it had been left to us. It's a second marriage for both of us and we'd both done The Full Meringue first time round. However, our children, and possibly our parents, would have killed us if we hadn't provided a little bit of an occasion.

It was great fun, and a decade on we remain very, very married.

ketchup

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #20 on: September 25, 2017, 09:47:44 AM »
Not married yet, but we probably won't make much of a fuss about it.  Probably will do a courthouse "wedding" and then shortly afterwards use it as an excuse to throw a small party or two (maybe one for friends then one for family).  Gifts are bullshit, so we will not be wanting any.  Then maybe a "honeymoon" on credit card points.

Like anything, it can be very inexpensive if you're smart and careful, expensive if you just go through the "you're supposed to" motions, and expensive beyond belief if you're stupid about it.

Retire-Canada

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #21 on: September 25, 2017, 09:53:21 AM »
Do you consider a wedding a need or a want?

There is nothing necessary about a wedding so your answer is clear.

Inaya

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #22 on: September 25, 2017, 11:32:38 AM »
Just like any other financial aspect of life, you can spend what you want to spend (or not spend) on a wedding. Figure out your budget. Evaluate your values and determine which things you really "need" (friends and family, yes; fancy clothes, no; good food, yes; fancy decorations, no; videography, yes; etc.). Then figure out how to make those things fit within your budget--and maybe sacrifice some of them if needed.

And never let anyone tell you something is "tacky."

without_a_map

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #23 on: September 26, 2017, 02:26:33 AM »
Just like any other financial aspect of life, you can spend what you want to spend (or not spend) on a wedding. Figure out your budget. Evaluate your values and determine which things you really "need" (friends and family, yes; fancy clothes, no; good food, yes; fancy decorations, no; videography, yes; etc.). Then figure out how to make those things fit within your budget--and maybe sacrifice some of them if needed.

And never let anyone tell you something is "tacky."

Yes I can see setting a budget and actually sticking to it would be the best way to minimise spending. Good idea to make a priority list, there are definitely some aspects that I would definitely want, and others that don't bother me at all.

Drifterrider

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #24 on: September 26, 2017, 05:41:54 AM »
Go to the registerís office and get married. Have a party after if you want.

That is probably what we will do if we do go ahead, but we couldn't have a party at our house so would need to hire some sort of venue for the party, and I can see costs quickly getting out of hand!

Why do you feel compelled to pay for a party for others just so they can cheer you?

Do you really have so many "friends" or are they really "acquaintances"?  Are you doing this "wedding" for you or for them?

Men get married, women have weddings.  The marketing is just as good as DeBeers.

I think it isn't so much that they can cheer us, as either way we will have the actual marriage ceremony at a register office with just a few people, likely <10. A party after would be to celebrate, and I guess an excuse to get the people we love altogether, same as any celebration party, e.g. a birthday. It is a valid point though as to who the party would actually be FOR. I can think of about 50 people I would actually want there, about 20 close friends that we both like and spend a lot of time with, and a few close family from each side: Parents, siblings, a couple of Aunts/uncles that are very close.

We definitely won't be lining the pockets of DeBeers, I really don't get the point of diamonds!

There is no way I want to play princess, I don't buy into the Hollywood dream and don't expect some fantasy proposal or anything silly like that. I hope that if we do go for a wedding it will be for both of us and he will enjoy it as much as me.

Instead of gifts, I think all the others should just chip in and pay for the party.  THEY should be celebrating YOU.  (Or commiserating as the case may be :)

dreams_and_discoveries

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #25 on: September 26, 2017, 06:20:01 AM »
I'd book the registry office, then I'd hire a room at a nice pub / community venue.


Digital Dogma

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #26 on: September 26, 2017, 07:20:26 AM »
I've had this discussion with my SO recently, we arrived at the fact that we both don't care to be the center of attention. Its a giant waste of money for just one day. Instead we've decided to budget for a small party with our friends to celebrate, we will cover food and they'll have to get a hotel room if they'd like to stay over night for the party.

For the actual marriage we've opted for a Justice of the Peace at the town hall with just the two of us.

Inaya

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #27 on: September 26, 2017, 07:33:17 AM »
Also, ask for no presents but ask people to bring a dish or a bottle to the party. Wedding presents are also bullshit, especially as so few people who get married these days are setting up a household for the first time. Remember: just say no.


This is exactly what we did. But the societal expectation to provide wedding gifts is so strong that people sent us money afterward anyway.

9patch

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #28 on: September 26, 2017, 04:40:36 PM »
We limited the people at ours by having a destination wedding. We went on an Alaskan cruise, which became our honeymoon too, and we had 19 people at the wedding, our immediate family, and our best friends. We had a really great time, and had a lot of time to spend with everyone unlike a typical wedding where you get to shake everyone's hand and talk for 10 seconds.

Megma

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #29 on: September 26, 2017, 06:25:59 PM »
I'm going to go the opposite direction of most of the comments. Your wedding is the only time you'll have everyone you love in the same room and its magical.

We just had our wedding 3 weeks ago. It was the first time our families met and might be the only time as they both live different places and us in a third place. Friends from college were mingling with friends from our current and last cities and it was so awesome.

Yeah it was expensive. We had 100 guests with dinner and open bar. We spent 23k. This is with many dyi projects but some splurges.

Open bar was important for us and actually not a huge cost overall but still a splurge. If we were having a party, we wanted a good party. I just posted our final budget on my blog, we're in the US but look if you want: http://affluentfrugal.blogspot.com/2017/09/our-wedding-budget.html?m=1

Did it delay our plans to buy rental #2? Yep. We talked about that a lot but we are still glad we did it. And we still have plenty of cash in the bank.

The bottom line: if it's important to you, do it. If not, save the cash. From what you said, it's not that important but damn i really enjoyed mine.

shelivesthedream

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #30 on: September 27, 2017, 12:27:39 AM »
Also, ask for no presents but ask people to bring a dish or a bottle to the party. Wedding presents are also bullshit, especially as so few people who get married these days are setting up a household for the first time. Remember: just say no.


This is exactly what we did. But the societal expectation to provide wedding gifts is so strong that people sent us money afterward anyway.

We asked for no presents from friends (but didn't ask them to bring anything else instead) but still got a few. They were sweet, personal things, though, rather than miscellaneous toasters. And about five of our friends went in on one expensive luxury house item which we loved. So we only got a couple of things. One couple we know did give us a card with cash in it (as well as a book) which we were a bit uncomfortable with, but thankfully they got married the next year so we kept the physical notes and gave them back to them! Circle of life achieved.

Linea_Norway

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #31 on: September 27, 2017, 02:44:43 AM »
Also, ask for no presents but ask people to bring a dish or a bottle to the party. Wedding presents are also bullshit, especially as so few people who get married these days are setting up a household for the first time. Remember: just say no.


This is exactly what we did. But the societal expectation to provide wedding gifts is so strong that people sent us money afterward anyway.

Indeed. We has a surprise wedding, but my mother still thought we needed presents. She asked what we wanted and I told her we wanted 2 down sleeping bags (light weight). She bought those for us, the type we wanted, as we still use them a lot. That has been a very good present.

Erica

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #32 on: September 27, 2017, 03:29:12 AM »
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 13 years, and having just turned 30, we are starting to feel like we would like to get married. We arenít religious and donít want to have children, so havenít really been that bothered in the past, but I really want to be able to call him my husband instead of my boyfriend! ;P It will also make things a little easier from a legal perspective, e.g if we buy a house.

The trouble is, now we are really getting stuck into saving properly, Iím not sure we can bring ourselves to spend lots of money on the wedding! Is it really possible to do a wedding cheaply? I just found out that my brother- and sister-in-law who I thought did it super-cheaply spent £5000, which seems like a massive amount of money to me (half my net worth)! Should we just get married and not bother with the party? Will we make ourselves into social pariahs if we donít invite everyone who has invited us to their weddings?

Do you consider a wedding a need or a want?
Obviously a wedding is a want. You can get married without one.  Please make sure you love one another. Here is the definition.
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+13:4-8 financial convenience and the ability to call your boyfriend by another title isn't the proper foundation for a marriage. Not saying it won't work, you've already been together a long time. Just food for thought. Blessings to you both

without_a_map

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #33 on: September 27, 2017, 04:02:41 AM »
Thank you everyone for your input, really interesting to hear different perspectives. I'll keep you updated on what we decide to do!

Askel

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #34 on: September 27, 2017, 04:07:44 AM »
I got married a year ago (almost exactly one year ago in a few days!) 

Here's what we did:


Ceremony:
-Had the local ski hill haul all our guests to the top: $400
-All decorations scavenged from local gardens
-Officiated by a close friend
Extras in-laws paid for:
-Guy playing guitar as guests loaded and unloaded
-Catered champagne toast (I hesitate to think what this cost). 

Reception:
-Rented local venue within bike riding distance for $300
-Bought approximately $800 in pizza from them
-They served up about $250 of beer we bought elsewhere
-Cider and donuts for the kids: $100
-$1000 for band. We really like this band. It was worth getting married just to make them play our favorite songs over and over and over again until midnight when we looked up and nearly everybody but our closest friends were gone.
-We got a bit of a discount on the band as the venue has it's own PA system and had hosted them before.

What I'd do different:
-Not fall down in the parking lot and nearly separate my shoulder. Yes, the party was that good. :D

The entire process was a bit of shitshow from beginning to end with lots of people trying to "help", but just roll with it. Don't commit to any expenses you aren't passionate about. Just get to the "I do" part eventually and whatever else happens just makes great stories later.

Good luck with the "no gifts thing". We tried, we even directly threatened guests that we reserved the right to send them home with an equal amount of crap by weight or volume from our house. No dice, about 50% of guests still gave something. We finally finished the damn thank you notes maybe a month ago. I hope they got the message. :D   

without_a_map

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #35 on: September 27, 2017, 04:13:58 AM »
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 13 years, and having just turned 30, we are starting to feel like we would like to get married. We arenít religious and donít want to have children, so havenít really been that bothered in the past, but I really want to be able to call him my husband instead of my boyfriend! ;P It will also make things a little easier from a legal perspective, e.g if we buy a house.

The trouble is, now we are really getting stuck into saving properly, Iím not sure we can bring ourselves to spend lots of money on the wedding! Is it really possible to do a wedding cheaply? I just found out that my brother- and sister-in-law who I thought did it super-cheaply spent £5000, which seems like a massive amount of money to me (half my net worth)! Should we just get married and not bother with the party? Will we make ourselves into social pariahs if we donít invite everyone who has invited us to their weddings?

Do you consider a wedding a need or a want?
Obviously a wedding is a want. You can get married without one.  Please make sure you love one another. Here is the definition.
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+13:4-8 financial convenience and the ability to call your boyfriend by another title isn't the proper foundation for a marriage. Not saying it won't work, you've already been together a long time. Just food for thought. Blessings to you both

Perhaps my original post was a bit flippant: Rest assured, we definitely love each other! As I said, we have been together for over 13 years, and as far as we are concerned we are married in all but the name (live together, shared finances etc.).

And not that it matters, but we will be having a civil ceremony, we don't believe that the christian definition of marriage is the only one, and we certainly wouldn't be getting married if it was only possible to do it as a religious ceremony!

without_a_map

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #36 on: September 27, 2017, 04:25:04 AM »
I got married a year ago (almost exactly one year ago in a few days!) 

Here's what we did:


Ceremony:
-Had the local ski hill haul all our guests to the top: $400
-All decorations scavenged from local gardens
-Officiated by a close friend
Extras in-laws paid for:
-Guy playing guitar as guests loaded and unloaded
-Catered champagne toast (I hesitate to think what this cost). 

Reception:
-Rented local venue within bike riding distance for $300
-Bought approximately $800 in pizza from them
-They served up about $250 of beer we bought elsewhere
-Cider and donuts for the kids: $100
-$1000 for band. We really like this band. It was worth getting married just to make them play our favorite songs over and over and over again until midnight when we looked up and nearly everybody but our closest friends were gone.
-We got a bit of a discount on the band as the venue has it's own PA system and had hosted them before.

What I'd do different:
-Not fall down in the parking lot and nearly separate my shoulder. Yes, the party was that good. :D

The entire process was a bit of shitshow from beginning to end with lots of people trying to "help", but just roll with it. Don't commit to any expenses you aren't passionate about. Just get to the "I do" part eventually and whatever else happens just makes great stories later.

Good luck with the "no gifts thing". We tried, we even directly threatened guests that we reserved the right to send them home with an equal amount of crap by weight or volume from our house. No dice, about 50% of guests still gave something. We finally finished the damn thank you notes maybe a month ago. I hope they got the message. :D

That sounds like a lot of fun, although not the falling over bit!

Here in the UK it seems to be pretty normal to just give cash as gifts which is fine with us if people absolutely insist on giving us presents ;)

Playing with Fire UK

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #37 on: September 27, 2017, 07:05:20 AM »
I've been to three bargain weddings, they were awesome in different ways:

One was an all-in reception deal off Groupon or similar (have you seen those "Get married for £2017 in 2017 offers? - like that but cheaper). Maybe 75 people, out of season and slightly remote. A lot of the things on the "you do not need" list were home made or absent.

One was a register office, champagne reception and dinner, maybe 20 people.

The last one was in a register office and then village hall, and all the food and drink was brought by the guests. Over a hundred guests, felt like a big deal. Dresses were nice, regular dresses, rather than Wedding Dresses. A lot of guests chipped in their specialist skills (cake making, music, flowers etc). It felt like a proper old-style village affair. 

All the couples are just as married as the ones that spent a fortune, but they cut down in different ways: Winter; small; DIY.

All of the wedding were 100% suited to the couples involved: it is such a waste when someone who doesn't like being the centre of attention ends up hiding from their own giant party or someone who is a mile from the disney princess ends up with a giant white dress, in a castle, making vows to a deity they don't believe in.

Also, the two that used register offices found REALLY PRETTY register offices, with grounds that you can use for photos. I think this was a big plus point.

Erica

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #38 on: September 27, 2017, 11:35:47 AM »
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 13 years, and having just turned 30, we are starting to feel like we would like to get married. We arenít religious and donít want to have children, so havenít really been that bothered in the past, but I really want to be able to call him my husband instead of my boyfriend! ;P It will also make things a little easier from a legal perspective, e.g if we buy a house.

The trouble is, now we are really getting stuck into saving properly, Iím not sure we can bring ourselves to spend lots of money on the wedding! Is it really possible to do a wedding cheaply? I just found out that my brother- and sister-in-law who I thought did it super-cheaply spent £5000, which seems like a massive amount of money to me (half my net worth)! Should we just get married and not bother with the party? Will we make ourselves into social pariahs if we donít invite everyone who has invited us to their weddings?

Do you consider a wedding a need or a want?
Obviously a wedding is a want. You can get married without one.  Please make sure you love one another. Here is the definition.
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+13:4-8 financial convenience and the ability to call your boyfriend by another title isn't the proper foundation for a marriage. Not saying it won't work, you've already been together a long time. Just food for thought. Blessings to you both

Perhaps my original post was a bit flippant: Rest assured, we definitely love each other! As I said, we have been together for over 13 years, and as far as we are concerned we are married in all but the name (live together, shared finances etc.).

And not that it matters, but we will be having a civil ceremony, we don't believe that the christian definition of marriage is the only one, and we certainly wouldn't be getting married if it was only possible to do it as a religious ceremony!
We didn't get married in a religious ceremony either. We got married in Tahoe at a Minister in A Box type venue. Being together 13 years, I suspected you both loved one another and it just wasn't mentioned in the post. I am excited for you both ~! Best of luck

Hula Hoop

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #39 on: September 27, 2017, 01:41:12 PM »
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 13 years, and having just turned 30, we are starting to feel like we would like to get married. We arenít religious and donít want to have children, so havenít really been that bothered in the past, but I really want to be able to call him my husband instead of my boyfriend! ;P It will also make things a little easier from a legal perspective, e.g if we buy a house.

The trouble is, now we are really getting stuck into saving properly, Iím not sure we can bring ourselves to spend lots of money on the wedding! Is it really possible to do a wedding cheaply? I just found out that my brother- and sister-in-law who I thought did it super-cheaply spent £5000, which seems like a massive amount of money to me (half my net worth)! Should we just get married and not bother with the party? Will we make ourselves into social pariahs if we donít invite everyone who has invited us to their weddings?

Do you consider a wedding a need or a want?
Obviously a wedding is a want. You can get married without one.  Please make sure you love one another. Here is the definition.
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+13:4-8 financial convenience and the ability to call your boyfriend by another title isn't the proper foundation for a marriage. Not saying it won't work, you've already been together a long time. Just food for thought. Blessings to you both

Perhaps my original post was a bit flippant: Rest assured, we definitely love each other! As I said, we have been together for over 13 years, and as far as we are concerned we are married in all but the name (live together, shared finances etc.).

And not that it matters, but we will be having a civil ceremony, we don't believe that the christian definition of marriage is the only one, and we certainly wouldn't be getting married if it was only possible to do it as a religious ceremony!
We didn't get married in a religious ceremony either. We got married in Tahoe at a Minister in A Box type venue. Being together 13 years, I suspected you both loved one another and it just wasn't mentioned in the post. I am excited for you both ~! Best of luck

I agree - mazel tov to you both.  I'm sure you love each other deeply after so many years together.  The traditionalist naysayers also came out in force when we got married as I was several months pregnant (planned) when we decided to tie the knot.  We even had people make jokes about shot gun weddings.  Anyway, 2 kids and 10 years later we're both very happy and some of the people who made the shot gun wedding jokes are divorced now. 

rdaneel0

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #40 on: September 28, 2017, 06:22:19 AM »
We had a backyard wedding and a lunch reception at a restaurant. Friends of ours had a backyard wedding followed by a potluck pool party.

I don't want my frugality to remove the ability to have celebrations or host parties for family and friends. For me the end game is to make money less important, not sacrifice stuff that really matters to save a little. That said, modern weddings are 100% out of control. You don't have to spend thousands on a dress and buy a suit and have a planner and pro photographer and all that crap.

Courthouse + Nice clothes + Party at someone's house after= recipe for success!

Larsg

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #41 on: October 24, 2017, 09:26:42 PM »
My wife and I had a decent size wedding when we were young - over 25 years ago. After having experienced and learned a few things, we wish we would have just gone to the justice of the peace with a couple of friends, bought simple silver bands, and took a honeymoon we could afford that we would have enjoyed probably more - something local a few hours away, driven by car would have been just fine. Now that we are old fogies and have discovered what is important of us, we would have rather had that money invested with all those years to grow. We don't wear fancy clothes any more - unless it's a very very good reason to justify a social costume, neither of us wear the expensive bands/ring we bought - now in storage saved for the kids although they can sell if they like and buy some very nice stock - we'll let them choose. The most important thing is your physical health, the health of your finances, and your lover for each other. My wife keeps saying "I wish we would have had a simple wedding like Carrie and Mr Big" on Sex and The City - I did not see that one but she can't stop referring to it every time she comes across an expensive trinket we now wish were stock.

Those around you should love you and support you for the choices that are right for you. The social trappings wind up being pictures and trinkets in a closet collecting dust that could have been your freedom much sooner!

topshot

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #42 on: October 25, 2017, 05:59:45 AM »
Granted it was a second marriage for both of us, but we got married in a state park in jeans and matching t-shirts and had our reception at the nearby shelter house with a sheet cake and sandwiches. No need for anything fancy except that is what society has taught most brides they "need".

I'm a red panda

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #43 on: October 25, 2017, 06:45:33 AM »
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 13 years, and having just turned 30, we are starting to feel like we would like to get married. We arenít religious and donít want to have children, so havenít really been that bothered in the past, but I really want to be able to call him my husband instead of my boyfriend! ;P It will also make things a little easier from a legal perspective, e.g if we buy a house.

The trouble is, now we are really getting stuck into saving properly, Iím not sure we can bring ourselves to spend lots of money on the wedding! Is it really possible to do a wedding cheaply? I just found out that my brother- and sister-in-law who I thought did it super-cheaply spent £5000, which seems like a massive amount of money to me (half my net worth)! Should we just get married and not bother with the party? Will we make ourselves into social pariahs if we donít invite everyone who has invited us to their weddings?

Do you consider a wedding a need or a want?
Obviously a wedding is a want. You can get married without one.  Please make sure you love one another. Here is the definition.
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+13:4-8 financial convenience and the ability to call your boyfriend by another title isn't the proper foundation for a marriage. Not saying it won't work, you've already been together a long time. Just food for thought. Blessings to you both

Marriages don't have to be based in love, and historically often have not.  They are legal partnerships.


And a wedding is not the same thing as a wedding reception. A wedding can be extremely cheap. A girl in my office literally put a post it note on her door that said "BRB- getting married" one day at lunch. They spent the cost of gas to the courthouse and the paperwork filing fee. 

Playing with Fire UK

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #44 on: October 25, 2017, 07:22:56 AM »
A girl in my office literally put a post it note on her door that said "BRB- getting married" one day at lunch. They spent the cost of gas to the courthouse and the paperwork filing fee.

If by girl you mean grown adult woman, that is awesome; if by girl you mean child, that is horrifying.

I'm a red panda

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #45 on: October 25, 2017, 07:34:18 AM »
A girl in my office literally put a post it note on her door that said "BRB- getting married" one day at lunch. They spent the cost of gas to the courthouse and the paperwork filing fee.

If by girl you mean grown adult woman, that is awesome; if by girl you mean child, that is horrifying.

Grown woman, nearly 40.  Sorry, "girl" and "guy" are pretty common in the vernacular here. It would be weird to say "woman" or "man" in that sentence.

Inaya

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #46 on: October 25, 2017, 08:56:21 AM »

And a wedding is not the same thing as a wedding reception. A wedding can be extremely cheap. A girl in my office literally put a post it note on her door that said "BRB- getting married" one day at lunch. They spent the cost of gas to the courthouse and the paperwork filing fee.

Yep, my wedding was $10+license fee. Celebration was somewhat more.

Mrbeardedbigbucks

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #47 on: October 27, 2017, 01:47:52 PM »
Your wedding is about you and your significant other, not everyone else.  Your family and close friends will understand if you don't want a celebration.

My wife and I got married by a justice of the peace. It was just the two of us, no friends or family. We sent an email and asked people to not send any gifts but if they really felt like they wanted to buy us a gift, we asked them to make a donation to a charitable organization and provided the links for three different charities in the email. One was a human cause, one animal and one environmental.

If you do want a wedding,  I'm sure you can put something together really nice for a few hundred bucks.  The smaller, intimate weddings have been some of our favorites that we've attended over the years.

frenchsquared

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #48 on: October 27, 2017, 01:58:38 PM »
My wedding was a few hundred. We had a minister meet us at a really nice park in Boulder. Had a few friends meet us there.
Wife's dresses was used for $80. Then we had a nice reception at our house afterwards.  Friends paid for most of the food and drinks.

When you don't have money you don't spend a lot. I have never thought about spending $5k on a wedding.

Don't go to the court house. Spend a $100 and have a minister or  someone who can legally marry you meet you some place special.

99to1percent

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Re: Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?
« Reply #49 on: October 27, 2017, 06:43:26 PM »
Yes, it's anti-mustachianism especially if you can't afford it.  You can always do a bigger wedding later on.

For example, my parents only got married legally at first.  It wasn't until I was 10 yrs old that they did a big church wedding.  My siblings and I were part of their wedding party :-)