Having a wedding: Ultimate anti-mustachianism?

[newgirl]

As someone who was married in a small ceremony with a few witnesses at a JOP (and then later divorced) I will add...

You BOTH have to be totally on board with going that route. If you elope, you should prepare for it to cause hurt and damage with your close friends and family. Mine were terribly hurt and my sister didn't speak to me for over a year. I don't know that you will have the same experience, but you should consider the possibility.

To me, a wedding is about much more than a legal marriage. A wedding is a chance to publicly vow your allegiance and love to this person till death do you part, and it is also a chance for your community (whoever they may be) to gather in support of your commitment. A wedding may be about something different than that for you, I don't know.

Now, none of that means that it needs to be a lavish gala of an event, or even an off the chain party. My cousin got married in a community garden in NYC with about 15 close friends and family present, and later they all went and had dinner at a local restaurant. It wasn't terribly expensive and she didn't even wear white.

Current partner/baby daddy and I plan to get married in our (future) backyard with some beer, BBQ, flowers from the farmer's market, and an iPod. We won't spend much, but we will spend money. It's so important to us to have our families and close friends with us when we say our vows.

I'm not writing this intending to dissuade you from going the JOP/eloping route if that's truly what both of you want in your hearts. But seriously, don't elope for no reason other than you don't want to spend a little money. This is a decision that should put people, family, community, and relationships above money, at least within reason.

[ZeroToRetire]

We just got married last year.

It's easy to get carried away.  I still think we did *very* well, though for the size and such.  And people continue to tell us it was the best wedding they have ever been to.

We had about 100 people.  I think we spent ~2500 in all, and that was with some extras that we really didn't need.  Probably close to 1500 of that was a DJ and Photographer.

Thoughts and recommendations:

• Buy a cheap dress.  There is nothing inferior about them.  My wife found her favorite at a true bridal store (David's), for 100 bucks on clearance.
• You don't need to buy flowers.  Grow them.  My mother grew most of ours, and we snagged a few from around the neighborhood friends.  We just sat down together the day before and assembled.  It's not a lot of work, for a lot of gain.
• The DJ isn't really necessary.  My wife insisted for the announcements and to keep things flowing.  I'd just grab an iPod and a trusted friend with good speakers.  Our DJ didn't even end up doing a great job
• We took *way* too long taking fancy pictures.  A photographer can be nice for memories, but keep it simple
• You do not need a 5 course meal.  We had a pig roast from a local friend, cost a few hundred with sides.  It easily fed everyone.  In fact, it made planning massively easier.  We simply had plenty of food, so we actually were telling people who were wavering on the RSVP to just come if they could - no RSVP required - because we didn't really care about specific counts for food and such.
• Open bar as a venue is expensive.  We just bought 3 kegs - 1 good beer, 1 cheap beer, 1 alternative (hard cider, in this case).  We walked around the liquor store and bought a few random bottles of red and white vine, and some mixers, and threw them out for consumption.  Was only a couple hundred dollars.
• Don't overlook cheap venues.  My grandparents have some lake property, so we used that.  Simple enough.  I'm betting you could find a friend or family with a nice spot, or use a public place.
• Depending on your expectations, you also don't need to over dress.  My wife had a traditional gown, but I just wore a nice button up and shorts from Kohls for like 30 dollars.  No tux rental required.
• You don't need to hire and pay an officiant.  I asked one of my friends to do it - he was honored and it was cheaper, and meant more.  There is a way to get them official easily in most states, or you can just make the ceremony legal later at town hall.
• Don't overpay for rings.  I bought my wife nice rings, but still not overly expensive.  They are Palladium and Moissonite.  Not a single person can tell it's not a diamond.  I bought a cheap carbon fiber ring, as I didn't intend to wear it.  Incidentally, my wife lost her wedding band on her wedding day, so I'm also glad that wasn't super expensive to replace.

Enlist family and friends to help, and think outside the box.  There are so many norms with weddings that just don't need to be.  Even in this thread there are so many binary statements (you don't need flowers!  You don't need a DJ!).  Think in gradients - grow your own, use your own music, leave some instruments out for people to just have fun playing, etc.

We probably could have done the 100 people for 1200-1500 if we shaved a few things out like the DJ, without really compromising on any quality.

It's a great celebration.  As the guy, its not something I've thought about intensively, but I'm glad we took the time.  It meant a lot to us, and my wife brings our wedding up in nearly every conversation still a year later.

Good luck!

[Dicey]

DH and I just celebrated our fifth anniversary.  Eloping was the best idea ever!

[shelivesthedream]

One deal we made was that if we regretted not having had a big wedding we'd have a massive wedding-themed anniversary party one day. We have yet to feel the need.

[Playing with Fire UK]

One deal we made was that if we regretted not having had a big wedding we'd have a massive wedding-themed anniversary party one day. We have yet to feel the need.

GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!! 

[Playing with Fire UK]

As someone who was married in a small ceremony with a few witnesses at a JOP (and then later divorced) I will add...

You BOTH have to be totally on board with going that route. If you elope, you should prepare for it to cause hurt and damage with your close friends and family. Mine were terribly hurt and my sister didn't speak to me for over a year. I don't know that you will have the same experience, but you should consider the possibility.
...

I know people are different, but any family member who would truncate a relationship with me because they didn't like my wedding isn't a family member I need to have an ongoing relationship with.

If the price of breaking off the relationship is that low, the relationship is already broken.

[newgirl]

As someone who was married in a small ceremony with a few witnesses at a JOP (and then later divorced) I will add...

You BOTH have to be totally on board with going that route. If you elope, you should prepare for it to cause hurt and damage with your close friends and family. Mine were terribly hurt and my sister didn't speak to me for over a year. I don't know that you will have the same experience, but you should consider the possibility.
...

I know people are different, but any family member who would truncate a relationship with me because they didn't like my wedding isn't a family member I need to have an ongoing relationship with.

If the price of breaking off the relationship is that low, the relationship is already broken.

It's not that she didn't like my wedding, its that we got married without her (or any family) in attendance. That was the source of the hurt feelings. She would have been happy to show up at the courthouse and go to a bar afterwards. It's completely understandable. Please don't read into words that weren't written.

[Dicey]

As someone who was married in a small ceremony with a few witnesses at a JOP (and then later divorced) I will add...

You BOTH have to be totally on board with going that route. If you elope, you should prepare for it to cause hurt and damage with your close friends and family. Mine were terribly hurt and my sister didn't speak to me for over a year. I don't know that you will have the same experience, but you should consider the possibility.
...

I know people are different, but any family member who would truncate a relationship with me because they didn't like my wedding isn't a family member I need to have an ongoing relationship with.

If the price of breaking off the relationship is that low, the relationship is already broken.

It's not that she didn't like my wedding, its that we got married without her (or any family) in attendance. That was the source of the hurt feelings. She would have been happy to show up at the courthouse and go to a bar afterwards. It's completely understandable. Please don't read into words that weren't written.

Please observe forum rules.
Please don't chide people who are trying to help.
Please don't blame others if your words did not convey your actual meaning.
Please know I interpreted your words in much the same way as Pw/F and had a nearly identical response.

FWIW, when we got engaged, my sister informed me that no matter where or when we got married, she was going to stand up for me. Since she was still bald from cancer treatment, it was an easy decision to make the two-hour drive to the courthouse in her town. The presence of my brother, my sister and her family made the day special. We pulled it off on same-day notice, spent very little money, created wonderful memories, and are living happily ever after.

[Playing with Fire UK]

Hey newgirl.

I'm sorry your sister did that, it must have been hard for you.

I stand by my point. I don't think it's reasonable to cut off ties with someone because they chose to elope. If someone did that to me I'd take it as a sign that the relationship just wasn't that strong. Someone who demands that level of control in my life is someone that I can live without. I disagree that a family member's desire to be attend should overrule a partnership's desire to get married in a way that they choose. IMO, the only wedding you get to make rules about is your own.

[elaine amj]

My niece is planning on getting married in a couple of years. For the sheer fun of it, we started talking about what she would like her wedding to look like. I was delighted with her vision - a rustic barn, mismatched china and silverware scavenged from yard sales, handmade decorations, a potluck dinner with her favourite dishes cooked by various relatives - super casual and laidback and most importantly, she agrees it is not something she wants to spend a lot of money on. The rustic barn might be the most expensive part of this so she might end up compromising on that.

[Cwadda]

I'm still a ways of from getting married, but I had this idea lately...wonder if anyone's done it before.

I've been totally enthralled with the idea of having no wedding (or a very small one), and instead using the money to build a water well in Africa or other developing area. Also, putting all wedding gifts to the cause and asking guests to donate to the well project. It costs about $10,000 to do, which isn't that much in comparison to the extravagant weddings going on these days. Also, any contributions from guests are tax deductible :D

Ugh, I love this idea on so many levels. Like, it's a literal and symbolic representation of love.  A renewable source of water that lasts a lifetime, and is a basic human need.

[Cwadda]

One deal we made was that if we regretted not having had a big wedding we'd have a massive wedding-themed anniversary party one day. We have yet to feel the need.

This is awesome!

[Inaya]

Hey newgirl.

I'm sorry your sister did that, it must have been hard for you.

I stand by my point. I don't think it's reasonable to cut off ties with someone because they chose to elope. If someone did that to me I'd take it as a sign that the relationship just wasn't that strong. Someone who demands that level of control in my life is someone that I can live without. I disagree that a family member's desire to be attend should overrule a partnership's desire to get married in a way that they choose. IMO, the only wedding you get to make rules about is your own.

I think you get some say if you're paying for a wedding (your child's, for instance). But still not your wedding, so you can't be a tyrant about it.

[Goldielocks]

Hey newgirl.

I'm sorry your sister did that, it must have been hard for you.

I stand by my point. I don't think it's reasonable to cut off ties with someone because they chose to elope. If someone did that to me I'd take it as a sign that the relationship just wasn't that strong. Someone who demands that level of control in my life is someone that I can live without. I disagree that a family member's desire to be attend should overrule a partnership's desire to get married in a way that they choose. IMO, the only wedding you get to make rules about is your own.

I am with newgirl on this one.   Maybe not to the point of obviously stating "cutting ties", but in reality just stopping with the invites and showing up for them without making a big show of it.  Not being invited to a wedding (especially a first wedding) is a huge sign that you just are not that important to the couple, and that your own perception of the relationship needs to be re-evaluated when you are excluded from a wedding invite.

I have been excluded from cousins' weddings (even when we live in the same city).  I am 3-10 years older than all of them, and have hosted quite a few family christmases, easter dinners for them and the whole family, have gone as an adult to sporting events of theirs as they grew up (not often, but a few times), have had them stay with me for a weekend when they were competing close to me, celebrated their graduations with them (gift, helped the host by preparing food), helped move furniture, etc.  Oh, and of course they attended my wedding.   To not be invited in return by a few of them shouts very loudly that my idea of family is not their idea of family, and that I am not in their mind-set... at all.

Time to face up to the writing on the wall and realize that my relationship is actually with my Aunts and Uncles, who are 25 years older than me, than with my cousins, even if that was not what I thought previously.

In a way, not getting the wedding invite was helpful for me to face reality, even if it burns a bit still.  Onward to newer and better relationships.

[Goldielocks]

I'm still a ways of from getting married, but I had this idea lately...wonder if anyone's done it before.

I've been totally enthralled with the idea of having no wedding (or a very small one), and instead using the money to build a water well in Africa or other developing area. Also, putting all wedding gifts to the cause and asking guests to donate to the well project. It costs about $10,000 to do, which isn't that much in comparison to the extravagant weddings going on these days. Also, any contributions from guests DH and I are tax deductible :D

Ugh, I love this idea on so many levels. Like, it's a literal and symbolic representation of love.  A renewable source of water that lasts a lifetime, and is a basic human need.

I like all of it except the part about asking guests to donate to it.  Just hold a wedding and don't specify or suggest how guests should gift.   You can still announce it at the wedding what cash gifts will be used for, if you like.  Or you could keep it as a personal symbol between just the two of you.

[shelivesthedream]

One deal we made was that if we regretted not having had a big wedding we'd have a massive wedding-themed anniversary party one day. We have yet to feel the need.

GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!! 

One deal we made was that if we regretted not having had a big wedding we'd have a massive wedding-themed anniversary party one day. We have yet to feel the need.

This is awesome!

I would recommend this to absolutely everyone. Maybe you will have your massive themed party to celebrate your first (or seventeenth) anniversary. Odds on it will never be that important and you'll have saved yourself a massive headache and a lot of money. There is no downside - either you get what you wanted or you realise you didn't want it.

[Digital Dogma]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 13 years, and having just turned 30, we are starting to feel like we would like to get married. We aren’t religious and don’t want to have children, so haven’t really been that bothered in the past, but I really want to be able to call him my husband instead of my boyfriend! ;P It will also make things a little easier from a legal perspective, e.g if we buy a house.

The trouble is, now we are really getting stuck into saving properly, I’m not sure we can bring ourselves to spend lots of money on the wedding! Is it really possible to do a wedding cheaply? I just found out that my brother- and sister-in-law who I thought did it super-cheaply spent £5000, which seems like a massive amount of money to me (half my net worth)! Should we just get married and not bother with the party? Will we make ourselves into social pariahs if we don’t invite everyone who has invited us to their weddings?

Do you consider a wedding a need or a want?

I had to come back and track this post down using the search bar, I can recall it so well because me and my wife were in your situation recently. We are in our early 30s, not religious at all, and looking to save money while still having a great time with our closest friends and family.

We wound up doing everything we wanted for ~2,000$, which included our private marriage with a JP (150$), and a dinner for 30 people with open bar (beer and wine) at a local restaurant with several trays of appetizers (all 1400$ including tip). We did all the decorations ourselves, including flowers (~150$ from flowers.com), the white "wedding dress" from amazon which wasn't specifically marked as such (~70$), guest board and gifts (~50$ - we bottled hot sauce and herbs from our garden in tiny jars), and an over-night stay in a nearby hotel suite from a 3rd party booking site (100$). Rather than do a wedding cake, we had ~50 cupcakes ordered from a bakery down the street with cream filling (~80$) which we picked up the night before in preparation for the dinner.

We did the private marriage with a JP at a park down the road from where we live the week before our celebration dinner, which was great due to the convenience. The following week we hosted the celebration, and set the venue up between 3-4pm before guests began to arrive. The flowers, cupcakes, gift and party favor tables, etc were extremely easy to unpack since we had plenty of time to organize in advance. It saved us a ton of money. I let everyone know that I'd be attending in a simple collared shirt so that dress code wasn't an issue for those guests who don't have a suit. Like us, our friends are not religious and they appreciated the straight-forward, time saving and unorthodox approach we took. Thanks to the generosity of our guests we recouped approximately half the cost of the entire wedding in gifts!

After we finished our meal we took the party to the nearby hotel where we had invited our guests to book a room and join us for a night of drinking and debauchery to celebrate.

Edit: I forgot to mention the rings! We got a pair of Titanium rings on Amazon for 8 dollars each. It matches her engagement ring nicely, and looks OK on me.

[without_a_map]

Good work Digital Dogma, sounds like you had a great time! We’ve decided to hold off for now, just isn’t high on the priority list whilst we are saving to move out and for the future. I’m sure we’ll get there at some point though!