Guilty about wasting parents' money on my education

[blackomen]

My parents immigrated to the US from China in the 1980s and I spent the vast majority of my life in the US.  They had a "plan" for my career and life that I followed until I gave up on it a few years ago:

Step 1: Do really well in High School, get a 3.7+ GPA, 700+ on all your SATs, etc.
Step 2: Go to a decent college.
Step 3: Go to grad school and get a PhD.
Step 4: Find a job and start working.  Do not work until you get to this step or else it'll derail your education (those were their words, not my opinion.)

Keep in mind my parents paid for college and even grad school.  I even brought the possibility of choosing my own path in life and not taking their money but let's just say those conversations never ended pleasantly and I just reluctantly chugged along whatever plan they had.  I got through Steps 1 and 2 fine but at step 3, I failed out of a PhD program for Engineering despite 2 years of hard work and parents were not pleased.  Unfortunately, the career track I picked wasn't something I was naturally interested in nor were there many opportunities for anyone with less than a PhD so I decided this was my once in a lifetime chance to pursue my passions: Finance.  So I went to pursue another MS but this time in Finance.  This was in 2007 and I graduated in 2009.  Needless to say, the job market for Finance was a mess when I graduated. 

I eventually found a job in Finance (in 2010) which is still the job I have in the present.  Although the pay isn't too glamorous, it at least leaves enough money to be saved (about 1/3 of my take home pay) after a carefully planned budget (I save about $1000 - 1500 a month and take home about $3000).  Right now, there are a few things I'm having trouble getting over with:

- The fact that many of my college friends are light years ahead in their careers while I'm still at entry level in my early 30s..  retiring in my 30s seems like a pipe dream now.
- My parents have spent about $250,000 on my education (1 bachelor's degree and 2 Masters) and have yet to see any substantial return from it.

Some of my friends think I should be grateful that my parents paid for my education since theirs didn't (which I am grateful for.)  Others say they did a disservice for misleading my career and life (I'd rather blame myself for not taking responsibility much earlier in life.)  What do you think?

[rebel100]

I don't think you should feel guilty per se.  Your parents urged what they thought was best and provided you what was presumably a stellar education which is paid for...that's awesome!

It does seem that some conversations might center around your gratitude and the fact that Mom and Dad raised a capable son who now has his act together...thanks in large part to their commitment to your success.

Is that what you meant or are you suggesting a desire to repay them?  Unless it was part of the deal, then I don't see where you have any obligation to repay them for something you were prodded into.

[Cpa Cat]

I think guilt is a distraction. All you can do it look forward. There is nothing you can do about the past. If, 30 years from now, you're looking back and you've done wonderfully, then all this guilt is for naught. Your parents will be proud, you'll be happy. The end.

So stop worrying about your failed PhD and start thinking about the future. This isn't 2009 anymore. If you want your career to go somewhere, then take that Masters of Finance and start shopping for a new job. The biggest jumps in responsibility/salary come from job moves - not from promotion from within.

Sounds like you current job turned into a quagmire. You felt lucky to have it in 2009, but you're not lucky to have it now. Spread your wings and move on up.

[BFGirl]

I am trying to steer my children towards decisions I think will be good for them in the future and my ex-husband and I are paying for their education.  However, my main goal for my children is for them to be happy and self-supporting.  If they achieve those goals, I will be very proud of them.

I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty.  You have to be true to yourself and you can't live your life based on the expectations of others.

[ChrisLansing]

I have some (partial) understanding of Asian parenting and how hard it is to buck their decisions.   

If you had obtained your PhD would they expect you to pay them back?   If not, then don't feel guilty about it.   Exactly what are your parents expecting in the way of a "return" ?   

Your parents are going to have to learn to accept things.   Their plans for you didn't work out exactly as they would have liked.   Into each life a little rain must fall.   


 

[Argyle]

Many, many people are only getting started in their 30s.  And a lot who got started in something earlier will be changing and starting from scratch again.  Remember: comparisons are odious.  Focus on how to get where you want to go.

[blackomen]

I think guilt is a distraction. All you can do it look forward. There is nothing you can do about the past. If, 30 years from now, you're looking back and you've done wonderfully, then all this guilt is for naught. Your parents will be proud, you'll be happy. The end.

So stop worrying about your failed PhD and start thinking about the future. This isn't 2009 anymore. If you want your career to go somewhere, then take that Masters of Finance and start shopping for a new job. The biggest jumps in responsibility/salary come from job moves - not from promotion from within.

Sounds like you current job turned into a quagmire. You felt lucky to have it in 2009, but you're not lucky to have it now. Spread your wings and move on up.

Pretty good deduction, considering the limited details provided!  Let's just say we're still far from our high water mark and only base salaries will be paid until then..

Searching for a new job will definitely be #1 on my list after the CFA exams next month..

[Abe]

At least you went into a field with some job prospects. As the economy improves, more options will open up for you.