Foster parenting?

[Kitsune]

Has anyone here been a foster parent? Or have any resources, recommendations, encouragement, discouragement, etc?

My husband and I are considering it (he'd like to, I'd REALLY like to, basically), but we're dithering about whether this is a good time in our lives (I'd like to wait until we're done having biokids, because I don't think I can handle a newborn plus extras, and because telling a kid 'sorry, our newborn is coming so you're out' seems really crappy)... but when IS a good time? What are the positives? Drawbacks?

[coffeelover]

I considered fostering for quite some years. Then I met a foster mom of 2 kids (at that time).
She was fostering for years at that point and she told me not to do it.

She saw that I had young children and she said that if something happened to the foster kids, say something at school, at a friends house where they were injured and then the kid could be removed from your home, even if you had nothing to do with the injury.   !!!!!!!!!!!

 I was told my state MI, does not mess around and they will remove a child from a foster home for very little reason. She said once they decide to move a foster child, then your kids could/would be removed as well.

She told me a couple of stories of women she knew that this happened to.
I will not risk losing my own kids to help out another kid, even if that sounds selfish-- its in my nope book.

I'm a great mom too, I'm not abusive and my kids are healthy, use their manners and are exactly how they should be for  their levels. (aside from my 4 year old with delays but that is neither here no there)

[Guava]

I have a family member that fosters and has a 4 year old (adopted) and I know it can be emotionally taxing for her. She usually gets babies from very bad environments that have developmental delays, fetal alcohol syndrome, or some drug addiction. And I don't think she has ever had one child for more than a year. Usually they stay for just a few months. I think she has been through 11 babies and only had to give up on one set of premature twins being weaned off a drug addiction because it was too much. It takes a special person to be foster parent.

I suggest finding a foster agency in your area and getting more information. The certification process can be long and tiresome but they will be able to give you a better idea of what you would need to do to become a foster parent and put you in touch with other foster parents so you can see what it is like to foster in your area. You may be able to take temporary situations where they only need somewhere for the child to stay for a week until a family member is worked out so you wouldn't risk kicking out a kid when you have bio babies.

[NonprofitER]

I volunteer for a nonprofit that supports/fills the gaps in the CPS/foster system (CASA - whose legal role differs by state).  Been doing so for 4 yrs, in part to better understand the system and evaluate if fostering is something we want to do long-term.  My experience advocating for foster care children in court has exposed me to the following understandings (which, again, will vary by state):

• Most foster parents determine in advance if they are willing to be temporary or long-term placement options, and usually can specify a specific age range they are comfortable with. Additional qualifications/training can be sought to become a 'therapeutic' foster care placement, which may result in receiving children from more severe cases of neglect an abuse. Most foster placements have the right to give a 30-day notice period to end the placement if their life circumstances change or the child is not a good fit in the home. Obviously, that can be painful for the kids, because...
• The children from the most painful cases of alleged abuse/neglect are often the children who both need the most stability, and who get moved most frequently due to foster parents not being able to cope with behavior problems resulting from their abuse. On a previous case I advocated for a child who had been in the system repeatedly (5 removals from the home in the child's 7 year life; each removal/case lasting about a year) and who dealt with multiple behavior issues as a result. Threats to harm the foster family, threats of self-harm, re-enactments of sexual abuse on other children in the home, etc. are all very real issues that some (but certainly not all) foster children deal will.
• Each time a child moves, they are essentially dealing with a yet another trauma in their already traumatic lives. A new school, new teacher, usually new therapist, a new place to live, very few belongings of their own, little to no privacy, etc. Children who are moved multiple times because of their behavioral issues suffer the worst, and are exasperated further by these repeat traumas. It's an important consideration before bringing a child home.
• Caseworkers/ CPS are not always forthright (or knowledgeable) about the issues a child is dealing with. Meaning, you may be told that the child "doesn't have any major issues", but later find out there are multiple concerns that make the placement difficult for the child or your family. So I would assume that any child you're opening your home to does have some major experiences that may be processed in difficult/inconvenient ways... because unfortunately I've had many children with foster parents who call me and say, "I woudn't have taken him/her in if I had known." and yet another move stigmatizes the child further.
• Additionally, caseworkers - while almost always well intentioned - are over-burdened. Which means they don't always communicate major points/ changes in the case to foster parents in a timely manner. Case in point, a foster parent called me the other day livid that a caseworker had agreed to change a child's visitation day with their biological parent from Mondays to Thursdays. The foster parent was expected to transport the child to these visitations, but had not been asked if it would work with their family's schedule (which, of course, it doesn't). While foster parents are often the most central to the child's experience during their involvement with CPS, they are also often the last to know anything. They aren't considered a legal party to the case in many circumstances, and may not get the information they need to correctly care for the child or advocate for their best interest in decisions.
• Beyond just opening your home to a child, fostering involves you being willing to: allow caseworkers and other agencies (like CASA) to stop by your home without prior permission, agreeing to communicate regularly with the child's lawyer, the parents lawyers, CPS/caseworkers, etc. Likewise you're expected to manage scheduling and transport to physician/dental appointments, therapy/counseling for the  child, in some cases, transport to and from court and/or visitation with the child's biological parents, siblings or extended relatives. If you have your own children with soccer schedules or commitments, it can be difficult to add all these mandatory responsibilities to your family schedule. Additionally, foster parents have intensive time helping a child adjust to a new school setting, afterschool care setting, teacher/school counselor, etc. and are expected to be called if behavioral problems escalate in the classroom.
• Multi-year fostering is pretty rare in my state (Texas). Here, the courts are working to make permanency decisions for children within 12 months (18 months if the case is extended, which they try not to do). This means that once a child is removed from a home, the biological family has 12 months to prove to the court (via participation in services like therapy, random drug testing, domestic abuse support, addiction support, protective parenting classes, etc) that they can and should be reunited wit their children. CPS/State always defaults to reunification as the primary permanency goal (as it should be, in most cases).  Usually only after severe neglect or lack of participation in services will the court consider other permanency options, the second in line being a relative or 'fictive kin' adoption. Unrelated adoption is considered the last resort for most foster children, legally speaking.
• Understand that children placed with foster parents are there because they had no other viable options - no other loving adults in their immediate, extended or 'fictive' family who could take them in following abuse/neglect. This is hugely profound for me. The CPS system ALWAYS prefers children stay with a relative after removal, so if a child is needing a foster placement, its because they have no relatives in state/or available. It likely also means the child didn't have a safe, supportive network around them - no grandparent nearby, no quirky Great Aunt, across the street neighbor, baseball coach, pastor, etc. who could or was willing to step in. In most of the cases I've seen, the few adults the child did know well couldn't qualify based on a failed background check (criminal history, or family with a previous CPS history). I think it really highlights why foster children really, really, really need foster placements that can give them a glimpse of a 'normal', healthy family life, with extended networks of friendships/community.
• A lot of foster placements fail for what I would call "a lack of cultural/racial/ethnic humility" on the part of the foster parents. I'm generalizing here, but a large majority of foster parents are white. And opt to be placements as a way of fulfilling a religious calling. There's no problem with serving your community as part of religious practice, but I think it leads a lot of couples who are ill-prepared for the realities of fostering to feel morally mandated to sign up anyway. One child I advocated for was very young when she experienced a lot of sexual abuse. Upon being put in highly religious foster homes, the foster parents would react with disgust and moral indignation when this young child (less than 6) would openly convey adult sexual knowledge/ sometimes be inappropriate with other children if left unsupervised. The foster parents couldn't distinguish that the child was NOT being a "sinner", "nasty" (their words) or a "potential perpetrator" but that she herself was traumatized and a victim. Their inappropriate reactions to her behavior led her to feel responsible for her abuse, and made her feel much worse about herself. Additionally, I've had cases where the foster parents failed to demonstrate a real understanding of the child's needs and ethnic differences. Things as simple as white families refusing to get the education needed to do a black child's hair, etc. So if you're considering being a foster parent, go into open minded, knowing the child may come from a different walk of life than you.

I think fostering is an amazing thing to do. We're still considering doing it someday, but my experiences volunteering have made me more sober about it. IE, we would likely not foster while we still have a child at home, or at least, a child under 15. If you were to have kids and foster at the same time, I think it would be ideal for the foster child to be the youngest in the household. They tend to need a lot of care and support, and will already feel at a disadvantage from your biological children. Likewise, I don't want my child to be exposed to knowledge that some foster children - through no fault of their own - have been exposed to, whether it be in terms of unhealthy social relationships, lack of emotional skills, knowledge of drugs, etc. I'd rather my child be the "older, wiser" one in the home.

Its a very generous thing to consider and kudos to you for being thoughtful about it.   

[NonprofitER]

One more thing!

If you, or anyone in this thread, decide that you'd love to help, but can't quite commit to fostering a child full time, there are so many other great ways to help/ dip your toe in the water. Whether its volunteering for an organization like CASA (guardian ad litems), or finding foster parents in your community who need respite care once a month.

I know of grandparent-aged foster parents who really, really rely on volunteers and extended community to just give them a break on one or two Saturdays a month so they can recharge, spend time being grandparents for their biological children, etc.  Likewise, we know a family whose teenager volunteers to be an informal "buddy" for a little boy living with foster parents as a way of giving the child an older, teen male role-model (and someone to ride bikes with and get dirty with). Things as simple as surrounding a foster placement family with extra meals in times of stress, taking the kids out for ice cream or on "normal" child excursions, etc. all make such a huge difference in helping the situation succeed. It also has the benefit of showing the child/ren what a supportive network looks and feels like.

Finally, if you haven't watched the show The Fosters on ABC, its super cute (if not a dramatized - think Parenthood meets the foster care system).

[katstache92]

Posting to follow.

I've been considering fostering for a few years now.  I don't have any kids of my own.  I have never yet felt like I am "ready" or that my life is together enough.  The information posted here has already been helpful, so thank you, I look forward to learning more.

[Cassie]

I was a CPS SW for awhile and all the points everyone made are valid. I had a 12 yo girl that had been sexually abused and exploited by her parents and recommended that she not go into a home with younger children because often abused kids go on to abuse others. Well they put her in a home and bedroom with 2 little girls that had also been sexually abused and guess what-she started to sexually abuse them.  I would want too have my kids be the older ones. Also I had a 5 yo boy on my caseload that I would have been afraid to fall asleep in the same house as him. At 5 he would ask me to run over and kill his mom (she horrible abused him), started a fire in a worker's car, I had to make him sit in front seat so I could see what he was doing at all times, etc.  These kids are really damaged and just providing a loving home does not cure all problems.