Aha. I get what you're saying @Metalcat ... This makes sense. I actually really got to know that good friend (she was a colleague first) when I really opened up to her a few years ago. We'd known each other for ten years at that point but since I was quite vulnerable about some difficult family stuff, it helped us both open up and really get to know each other. That sounds like what you're getting at? I am getting a lot more open with people recently which I think is a good thing too.
I had intuited recently that some of how I am (empathetic, gentle (usually!)) is hampering things for me with others and I need to be more dynamic in some regards but it's a tricky balance of how to not lose who you really are in the process, if that makes sense?
There's a massive difference between being empathetic and being a people pleaser. If empathy is driving you to lose yourself, then again, there's a problem there.
I'm tremendously demanding of my friends and have extremely high expectations of them. But I give as good as I get, so it's just cool people being cool to one another. I don't tolerate being used and my empathy is what allows me to get my hackles up when someone is intent on using my resources more than I have access to theirs.
Empathy does not drive imbalance in relationships, poor boundaries do.
As for connecting with people, yes, vulnerability is the key to that, but because our society is so antsy about it, you need opportunities to naturally encourage vulnerability, which become harder to come by as adults, and are almost non-existent in the typical leisure social contexts.
I've explained this many times here, but if you want to become friends with someone, you have to create natural opportunities for vulnerability and generosity, which are most efficiently generated by working on shared challenges together. The more difficult and gratifying the better.
Shared leisure demonstrates likability, which isn't all that bonding. In fact the more someone likes you, the less willing they will be to be vulnerable for fear of rejection, and vice versa.
But shared, gnarly challenges provide opportunities to demonstrate much deeper traits like trustworthiness, patience, passion, compassion, etc. You can meet someone who seems super cool and then under pressure becomes competitive, takes credit, and shifts blame, and suddenly, that's not someone you want to be close to.
Or, someone who is a bit socially strange can in challenge prove to be collaborative, patient, funny, helpful, humble, and emotionally generous, and that person will feel infinitely safer to be authentic with.
Trustworthiness is what has to be established and our typical social graces and dynamics don't give people much of a chance to demonstrate profound trustworthiness. Trustworthiness will trump likeability any day when it comes to connection.
If someone is trying to use you and capitalize on your empathy for their own gain within the relationship, they'll never feel eminently trustworthy, especially under pressure.
School is a pressure cooker AND people generally lack polished social graces at that age, that's why the friendships are so deep so easily formed. They just kind of forge naturally under those circumstances. Middle aged folks, on the other hand, do absolutely everything in their power to not put themselves in the situations that forge bonds, especially when they socialize.
I'm still extremely close with one of my best friends from highschool because we are both absurdly trustworthy people who are kind of assholes socially. But she's actually autistic, I'm just a dick.
