Finding a compatible partner

[somebody8198]

I'm curious how many people on this forum are married or in a long-term relationship. If so, does your partner share your views on spending and saving? Have you run into conflicts having to do with money, and if so, how did you resolve them?

A while ago, I was in a long-term serious relationship that lasted several years. We lived together and had initially focused on being very frugal and living below our means. But I ended up financially supporting my partner because they couldn't control spending on luxury things like visits to the bar, cigarettes, restaurants, new clothes, and expensive holiday gifts for the family. Unfortunately my partner also had a very unstable employment situation. At one point I was paying the rent in full each month while my partner agreed to take over the utilities (maybe $100-300/mo, depending on the season), which only led to more conflict when my partner started telling me to turn down the heat in the winter. Obviously it was not a happy union.

I know that money problems/conflicts are a common cause of marriages or relationships dissolving. In less serious relationships I've had in the past, I noticed similarly poor (albeit common) spending habits. I know that it would have been a conflict if any of these other relationships had lasted long enough. I'm not really interested in dating at the moment, but I would like to have a relationship at some point in the future in which we both share the same attitudes toward money and saving. I think that kind of compatibility is more likely to make it last. What would you do to seek out a partner who has compatible values?

[iamlindoro]

I am engaged, and we have been together for over seven years.  We have both changed in terms of our finances in that time.  I become fairly hardcore mustachian about five years ago, and since then, my SO has grown from deeply financially irresponsible to being fairly decent about keeping a budget. Where she used to overdraw her accounts every single month, rely on cash advances, and was completely unable to handle any emergency, she has now paid down almost all her consumer debt, sticks (more or less) to a weekly budget, and has started contributing to her retirement.  She still has a ways to go in terms of eliminating the debt and maximizing her savings, but she's pretty onboard.

The most important thing I can stress is that a financially compatible partner is not always "found."  I am happy for those who start seeing someone who has financial goals aligned with their own, but I recognize that in our case, we grew together and our commitment to each other influenced her behavior.  I did not (and could not if I tried) "make" her become mustachian.  Rather, I shared my enthusiasm for a long and early retirement with her, helped make up the budgets and plans, and encouraged her when things were going well.  That also meant that I had to bite my tongue sometimes when things went less well and focus on the positive.  She had to decide that FIRE was for her on her own. Since she did, she has worked very hard towards it.  Once the debt is gone her savings are going to be through the roof. The lesson I learned is not to try to change someone, but to have faith that someone who you love, and who loves you back, can adopt good financial habits if you focus on the goal and are relentlessly positive.

[Mississippi Mudstache]

Married 5 years. I wouldn't say my wife and I are 100% on the same page, but we're pretty close. She is more social than I am and places a higher value than I do on things like restaurant dining and outings with friends. I would rather spend more discretionary money on my hobbies (mainly woodworking), which don't interest her at all (though she does enjoy the fruits of my labor). We are both very averse to debt and feel better with a big safety net, so even though I know she would like a fancier house, a newer car, and a better wardrobe, she is fully on board with saving as opposed to spending most of the time. She quit her job to take care of our kids, and she knew going into it that it would require sacrifices to make it on one income, yet still save for our future. Finances are seldom an issue for us.

I will add that when the relationship began, she was more frugal than I was. She has remained more or less the same, and I have become much more frugal over time as I've gravitated towards the ER community.

[partgypsy]

"The lesson I learned is not to try to change someone, but to have faith that someone who you love, and who loves you back, can adopt good financial habits if you focus on the goal and are relentlessly positive."

I like this and agree. For me the things that were important when I started being with my now husband, is his good heart, generosity, dependableness, and also attraction! Not his finances; he worked jobs that would allow him to work on his music or art versus something with long term prospects, no checking account; just cash his checks and live on that. Sometimes that meant scrounging through his coin jar to get enough change to buy his dog a can of food for the day.

I would make sure that the person you are with doesn't have a shopping compulsion/disorder, large debt, and has a personality where they put "the team" over the individual, if the chips came down. One thing is true no two people are ever going to be on the exact same page financially so there will always be some compromise that happens. 

[Kitsunegari]

My partner of 4 years and I have the same attitude towards money, debts and lifestyle. It's a huge part of our life, so for us it wouldn't have work otherwise. I had other partners in the past which had a very different attitude, and it was a big reason over why we didn't have long-term potential.

[morning owl]

I'm married and DH and I have similar financial dispositions, though we're not 100% in sync all the time -- he likes his fancy cable package, whereas I could easily do without it, for example. But we talk a lot about our finances. We're both averse to debt, and we don't usually spend frivolously. I couldn't imagine being with someone who's a big spender, because financial responsibility and freedom are very important to me. The fact that we can talk about it, that he's engaged in investing and planning our future, this means a lot to the relationship. I spend a lot of time thinking about FIRE so it's important to me to be able to talk about it with my SO as often as I like.

[zephyr911]

DW and I have sort of moved in opposite directions and it causes minor friction.

When we met, I was making 100K+ and saving very little. She was living with her parents and saving all her income for grad school. In the past few years, I kicked myself in the ass for being so dumb about spending, decided that lifelong theoretical desire for FIRE was only going to come true if I learned some frugality lessons from her and others, and even as my wages declined slightly, I went from a 5-10% SR to over 50%, nearing 60%, and am pushing toward 75% by springtime.

Meanwhile, DW powered through grad school on a $300/wk stipend, even lent me money during some of my early efforts to turn shit around, graduated, juggled 3+ part-time jobs for a year, and then locked in a sweet full-time gig. She loves it, is making more than she ever has before, and is ready to enjoy the income.

It's hard for her not to view me as a hypocrite since I blew through more money in past years than she may ever make, but I'm doing my best to impress upon her how much we can change our lives with the right choices now. I did manage to get her into an IRA straight out of college, and she's already got five figures in it. I think she's sold on maxing it out going forward, and at least maximizing the 3% company match on the SIMPLE IRA that just opened up (though I'm pushing for much more, obviously).

[Zikoris]

My boyfriend is super laid back and happy to go along with whatever plans and systems I put in motion. I manage all our financials and tracking - the only thing he needs to do is pay off his portion of expenses monthly, e-transfer me half the rent, and dump excess money into the investments I set him up with.

He never bothered to get a driver's license, so there's no car expenses/issues. He doesn't have any overly expensive habits or materialistic tendencies. He happily eats whatever kind of food he's given, so it's easy for me to keep our food costs down.It works well since I'm the opposite and super focused, organized, particular about how I like things, etc.

[iamlittlehedgehog]

DH and I have been married for a few months but together for 4 years. Neither of us come from wealthy backgrounds and we both started debt adverse. Life happens but after a few fights and disagreements we settled down into our frugal little lives together. Obviously we occasionally have different priorities but they work out. I stand by one of the best decisions we ever made when we first got married was attend a money management course together (it was Dave Ramsey's FPU, but any course would do, the goal is create an open discussion revenue where you both can discuss goals and spending). I wish we had done it years ago.

[protostache]

Wife and I have been together for six years, married for two. We didn't initially share the same money values: she was frugal by necessity and I was a spendthrift by sheer laziness. Over the time we've been together, we've met at a point that's just a little less frugal than where she started. At this point we have fully combined finances. I do the bookkeeping and we have a monthly money talk, going over any interesting points.

I would say our only big difference in attitude is that she's a bit of a cash hoarder, and is loathe to let me move cash into investments. We have large piles of money sitting in low-interest savings accounts, but it makes her happy and really we're only losing maybe $10 in interest every month. I'll gladly accept it, as going forward more and more of our stash is going to be dripped into investments anyway, making the cash portion less as a percentage.

She's not quite on board with MMM/FIRE quite yet, but she's definitely enjoying part time work vs full time. I think it's a good, important step to take, since prior to going part time over the summer she was resigned to working full time forever.

[acroy]

Basic values have to align!! There's no way around it.
Make a 'little list' and stick to it. When you meet someone who 'might' be 'the one'; and you get that tingly feeling: that's common sense leaving your body. Whip out your laminated little list as a reminder :)

[ShortInSeattle]

I'm curious how many people on this forum are married or in a long-term relationship. If so, does your partner share your views on spending and saving? Have you run into conflicts having to do with money, and if so, how did you resolve them?

What would you do to seek out a partner who has compatible values?

I consider myself tremendously lucky in the relationship department. We've been together since we were teenagers so there has been an evolution for both of us, it's not like we were wise with money right out of the gate. But I think the money stuff is just an extension of the other factors that make someone an excellent partner.

What To Look For in a Partner
Overall responsibility, integrity, and intelligence. An ability to discuss differences of opinion without drama. Respect for themselves and others.

Good Signs:
They are consider the pros and cons of a purchase/decision before leaping, most of the time.

Instead of blaming outside people or situations for their problems (or unmet goals) they focus on what they can control and take action.

They pay their bills on time. They show up when they said they would. They are kind to people you care about, even when they don't like them.

They seek out your perspective before making a decision that impacts both of you.

They act like a partner, pulling their weight, appreciating you for doing the same, and never trying to "win" because that would make you adversaries. They also don't attempt to parent you - because you're not a child and they are not in charge of you.

They respect you, and they are worthy of your respect in return. You admire them as a human being and "good person."

You have talked about  the key issues, and you are compatible. Kids/Religion/Money/Goals. These talks don't guarantee that you'll never change, but they are a good foundation.

If they have debt, it is sensible debt and they have a plan for dealing with it.

They are capable of changing their minds - they can be rational and consider other views

You can be vulnerable around them, and they don't use your mistakes as ammunition.

And of course - the non practical stuff. You love the shit out of them and they are your favorite person.

SIS

[iamlindoro]

Basic values have to align!! There's no way around it.

I agree with this, to an extent.  I think that basic values have to be compatible, but I'm not sure they necessarily need to be completely aligned.

Make a 'little list' and stick to it. When you meet someone who 'might' be 'the one'; and you get that tingly feeling: that's common sense leaving your body. Whip out your laminated little list as a reminder :)

This advice would have me dismissing my SO out of hand seven years ago when she had $30K in credit card debt, was writing checks to herself to float spend for another couple of days before each paycheck, and had literally maxed out every credit card she had.  I would have missed the chance to be engaged to someone with almost all that debt paid off, considerable 401k savings, and a very disciplined budget.

Of course, this is just an anecdote, but I do definitely believe that people can change, and that sometimes rejecting common sense or at least conventional wisdom to give someone a chance might be warranted.  My belief is that having high standards, and being willing to communicate them well, is critical.  My SO and I are both better off for having given one another a chance... sometimes a few chances.

Obviously we shouldn't discard our financial discipline for love-- just suggesting that love can motivate us to overcome our poor habits and lack of good examples.

[2Birds1Stone]

SO and I have been together just under 5 years.

When we started dating I had a 30-40% savings rate and was naturally pretty frugal.

She was a college student making less than $1000/month. She got by but never paid attention to budget. When school ended and she started making $20k/yr she spent a little bit frivolously but did open a Roth IRA.

Slowly over the past year she has really taken example from me. She saw me increase savings rate to 50%, then this year to 70% and as she started a new job in May making $40k/yr she not only maxes out her Roth IRA but contributed 20% into her 401k. Pretty badass for being 24 years old I would say!

We will be FIRE'd by the time I am 40 and she is 36. She loves that concept.

[iamlindoro]

We will be FIRE'd by the time I am 40 and she is 36. She loves that concept.

Very similar story to ours, though my fiancé was probably in a deeper hole.  These days every time she has a bad day at work, she will say something like "I just remind myself that in five years we'll be retired and all of this will be behind me."

Which obviously makes me really, really proud.

[TVRodriguez]

Basic values have to align!! There's no way around it.

This makes me laugh because when DH and I did pre-cana (Catholic premarital class) and took the test they required, we "failed" in every section but finances.  But we've been together for 15 years, and we're pretty solid. 

One of the things that attracted me was that DH was frugal.  My last boyfriend had been very critical of my financial skills, calling me greedy.  He was very spendy, although it took me a while to realize that.  DH and I are frugal in different ways--he hates to budget, and I love to plan, for example--but we are both extremely debt-averse, having been in a ton debt for our educations.  He will say that I taught him the value of a used car, and he has taught me to think outside the box and just try stuff sometimes.  Being open to the other person and flexible in yourself is important.

We're currently both excited about aquaponics, even though I initially balked at the cost of some of the stuff and could not believe that he was ordering fish on the internet to grow in our backyard. 

[Spork]

Just to chime in: Married almost 21 years.   While we have differing interests here and there, but we have very similar financial attitudes.  Over the years she's done most of the management of the money and I'd place a huge chunk of our success on her abilities there.

[albijaji]

married 15 years , in the beginning we had no clue about money whatsoever
my husband more so than me, he has more the personality 'if there is money maybe I should just buy something'
I was the driving force with the savings, frugality and living well below our means..
I more or less wore my hubby down so now he agrees with 99% of what I suggest (financially that is)
but he is not what I would call financially involved, I say what goes and he more or less agrees..
he now even has a phone for more than 2 years!!! and we did not have tv for 10  years
those are just two examples of what would have never happened 15 years ago.
he gets an allowance every week and when its gone he better have a good reason to want more.
we see friends of ours who cannot make it from paycheck to paycheck making more than us
and I can tell he is proud of our finances when he tells me that he cannot imagin living like that ever again..

I do believe however that one cannot change a partner fundamentally, some common sense and
character has to be there from the start, so they can see the light and understand action and consequences.
I say that since I know a lot of people in their forties that still live like we lived in our twenties...

[Aussiegirl]

These days every time she has a bad day at work, she will say something like "I just remind myself that in five years we'll be retired and all of this will be behind me."

hahahahaha, this is exactly what I do!!   its a powerful thought!

[CoderNate]

My wife is also very frugal by nature, but we both can be somewhat spendy in different ways. I like to pick up new hobbies, which can easily reach several hundred dollars per year. She spends a similar amount on our daughter (like "cute outfits" that only get worn once).

Ultimately it's usually a small enough portion of our budget that it's not worth talking about. Overall I think we're very compatible.

[Lanthiriel]

The husband and I have been together since we were very young, and so spent many years living on the cheap out of necessity. It became very obvious early on that he is terrible with money. Not that he mindlessly overspends, but that he's forgetful about due dates or keeping track of bills or ever knowing how much money he has at a given time. We've instituted an allowance system for him, and he also has veto power on basically any purchase/debt repayment over $100. You don't have to find someone who is as interested in/good at personal finance as you are, but you do need to be able to find common ground.

[HappierAtHome]

Engaged, lived together for 4+ years.

I would say VERY financially compatible, though sometimes one of us will need some time to get on board with something the other suggests.

I wasn't frugal when we met and the BF was. I was massively impressed by how grown-up he was with his money. Soon after we started dating I incurred major medical costs that took serious effort to pay off (I had no real savings) so I got on board the frugal train. These days I tend to research and plan our financial life and he just participates in decision making once I've briefed him on the options - this reflects the broader context of our shared life, for which I'm the administrator thanks to more free time and much more interest in organising/planning as an activity in and of itself.

So he took a punt on a girl with no savings, a much lower income than his and no financial sense. Now I'm the one organising our finances to ensure we can pay off the mortgage in X years and retire in X more after that. Sometimes you just need to give someone a chance to grow up.

Important points: we have never had a parent-child dynamic with money in either direction, and we have the same values and vision for our shared life, which I think is essential to our happiness.

[GreenSheep]

You don't mention your gender or the gender you'd prefer in a potential partner, so this may not be relevant, but when I (female) met my boyfriend, I was pretty frugal (and have since discovered MMM), and he wasn't exactly wasting money but didn't seem to give it a lot of thought. He has since told me that it was a huge relief to him that he didn't have to live up to society's expectation that he impress me with money, either early on with expensive dates, or later with the promise of an extravagant lifestyle together. I enjoyed (and still do!) going out with him, but I'd rather do happy hour than a big fancy dinner (and now we cook at lot at home, too). And as others have mentioned, he has come around on the money management thing because of my interest in it. I think there are clearly some deal-breakers in terms of potential mates, but there's also some room for giving people a chance to learn and change. I think you also have to not be afraid to display your frugality, at least a little bit, especially if you're a woman dating a man, because given our culture, chances are he's not going to be the one to bring it up first.

[TVRodriguez]

Together 30 years.  It's funny (to me) the little things that come up that take me back to pre-Cana. 

. . . . we're "all in" as far as marriage goes, and have been since we got together.

Thoughts on choosing or finding a compatible life partner:  Be aware that things will change.  It will change how you don't expect, and if your partner isn't one you'd want to whether the storm with, don't get tripped up by how good she/he is on paper.

The funniest part of the pre-cana test was the part where you say "agree/disagree" to this statement: "Pregnancy is a part of our lives right now." 

He put "agree."  I was not pregnant. 

He later told me that he didn't read all the questions, just filled in some of the bubbles.    Hahahahaha.

YES to being All In.  And that things will change.

[okits]

I thought I'd respond to this part:

What would you do to seek out a partner who has compatible values?

Figure out who you are and what you want, then find either:

1) a place where compatible people tend to congregate (e.g. place of worship if religious, volunteer organization if charitably-inclined, financial classes or communities if you're hoping for a fellow-investor),

or

2) a venue where you can be matched with many prospective mates, so you can screen with (polite and appropriate) questions (or descriptions of what you're looking for.)

I did #2 and found DH by Internet dating. (Acknowledge that I got very, very, very lucky in this regard; the Internet dating pool is a big place, and there's every chance that the person you're looking for isn't looking for someone like you.)

In hindsight, a few things that were good signs for compatibility:

- a lot in common with our family backgrounds (both sets of parents very frugal, cautious, and responsible, which rubbed off on us);
- non-flashy (nothing we wore, owned, nor our lifestyles screamed "latest!", "designer!", "for the rich!");
- financially self-sufficient with a tendency to save;
- responsible and hard-working regarding our jobs;
- a bit older (not everyone needs age to have maturity, but in a population I expect there'd be a positive correlation.)

DH and I have not had a single fight about scarcity of money or how to spend it.  Not everything is perfect about how we manage things, but those two points are probably the most common sources of conflict for most couples.  We are happy and looking forward to FI, ER, and generally just living a great life together.

[Late_Bloomer]

Been married 15 years and the line of who is more assertive has blurred over time. We've grown to be one singe mind, for the most part. I believe our in common mindset is what has allowed us to stay together this long. Sure, we argue like any other couple, but at the end of the day, we pretty much have the same beliefs and values that we can agree upon.

 Finances, I would assume, would be one of the top five, if not the number one or two divorce/break up modifier, outside of infidelity. When my wife and I first met we had no substantial ideas about saving money or investing and, at the time, we didn't care. Over time, I was the one that began shaping our financial future as far as those things are concerned. The good thing, was that she felt the same way. She just didn't give it much planning and was, and still is, grateful that one of us is taking charge of it.

My advice to you, if you want to call it that, is to honestly be completely open with your next partner, from how you spend your money to how long you take when sitting on the toilet and whether she needs to steer clear for 35-45 minutes. I believe disclosure makes or breaks a relationship and what you, or her, choose to, or choose not to disclose can haunt you in a few years when you see just how incompatible you are for each other.

Now where to meet a compatible mate? That's out of my ball park. I met my wife while attending university. I had a friend meet his wife on e-harmony. Yea, I know, a dating site, but this is one of the legitimate ones out there. Just don't go looking for your next partner on Plenty Of Fish. 

[cube.37]

I am engaged, and we have been together for over seven years.  We have both changed in terms of our finances in that time.  I become fairly hardcore mustachian about five years ago, and since then, my SO has grown from deeply financially irresponsible to being fairly decent about keeping a budget. Where she used to overdraw her accounts every single month, rely on cash advances, and was completely unable to handle any emergency, she has now paid down almost all her consumer debt, sticks (more or less) to a weekly budget, and has started contributing to her retirement.  She still has a ways to go in terms of eliminating the debt and maximizing her savings, but she's pretty onboard.

The most important thing I can stress is that a financially compatible partner is not always "found."  I am happy for those who start seeing someone who has financial goals aligned with their own, but I recognize that in our case, we grew together and our commitment to each other influenced her behavior.  I did not (and could not if I tried) "make" her become mustachian.  Rather, I shared my enthusiasm for a long and early retirement with her, helped make up the budgets and plans, and encouraged her when things were going well.  That also meant that I had to bite my tongue sometimes when things went less well and focus on the positive.  She had to decide that FIRE was for her on her own. Since she did, she has worked very hard towards it.  Once the debt is gone her savings are going to be through the roof. The lesson I learned is not to try to change someone, but to have faith that someone who you love, and who loves you back, can adopt good financial habits if you focus on the goal and are relentlessly positive.

I agree with the sentiment that sometimes a "financially compatible partner is not always found." People can change and it's very possible to do a 180:

My Fiancee and I have been engaged for a year now. We started dating 1st year of college and are now done with our first full year out of college. We were both very fortunate to be born into well-off parents who paid for both of our out-of-state private college tuitions. We were both super spoiled in college - she had her "daddy's" credit card. I had my quarterly allowance of $1,200 after room board and food. We ate out at least every other day, sometimes all 3 meals a day (keep in mind cafeteria food was free/included in the tuition). I was a self-proclaimed "audiophile" and bought a $300 pair of earphones. Then I lost them. So I bought another pair. Then dropped them while drinking at my frat that my parents essentially paid dues for. So I ordered another...I was a spoiled idiot/brat/twat (though I don't think I was a bad person..spoiled =/ bad person).

Out of college, my fiancee and I were on our own, and within a couple months, by October, recognized that we needed to get money smart. We were saving around 5% and put together an emergency fund. I learned all I could about investing (ironically I was an economics major and didn't know what a mutual fund really was..), made an account at ally bank, and stumbled across MMM this past January. I took the message to heart since I don't enjoy working and would love to retire asap, so I decided that we would cut our spending drastically. My fiancee was not convinced for the first 3 months, but I would email her link after link of MMM blog posts. Finally she read one, and thought it was interesting. So I sent her the Table of contents page and she read another post. She find money stuff tedious and boring, but was convinced. Since then we've been up around a 35-40% savings rate.

We still love spending, and I've come to accept that we won't ever get to the 75% savings rate. But fortunately/unfortunately we are in the "soul-sucking" business (aka finance), so we will hopefully get on the MMM increased pay trajectory, and at the 35-40% rate I hopefully will be able to retire by 40.

I forgot to mention, but one thing that helped get my fiancee on track was an allowance of $100/month. We each get it, and she tends to use it all the first week of the month. But I have learned to compromise and give her a "loan" (more of a gift) and let her use up my allowance most months as well.

[Urchina]

My husband and I have been together for 15 years, and have never had a big disagreement about anything. This is mainly because we talked about the Big Stuff from the very first moment we met -I'd dated a series of very nice but really incompatible men previously and was tired of messing around with partners that weren't on the same wavelength as me regarding family, money and lifestyle.

I think that the one thing that's been our ace in the hole relationship-wise is that we would both prefer a solution to a disagreement that we could both live with, as opposed to one of us getting it "our way" at the expense of the other. This has been a part of our relationship from the very start. While this means we compromise on a lot of things ( like cable TV and the amount of foreign travel we do), it also means that when we have a difference of opinion, we both know that our partner will work in good faith towards a solution that will take our needs as well as our situation into account.

This working together in good faith is such a powerful part of how we do things. I think that it allows us to creatively solve any differences we have, as well as forge a future that we both want while living a life we're happy with now. Over time our financial picture and personal/emotional financial needs have changed, and we've been able to reflect, adjust and provide a process within our marriage that allows us to have our needs met even if our needs are different.

Financially, this means that I understand and adjust our budget for DH's lunches out; he is patient with my occasional desire to reorder our savings priorities. And we both agree that ER is not our goal, but FI is.

[Epry123]

Very good read this thread was if we were to find someone who was on board right away it would be too easy!!! I've been slowly breaking my gf of her habits still a long way to go

[wordnerd]

From the alternative viewpoint...I was pretty young and financially naive when I met my now-husband (my family is terrible with money). He definitely shaped my financial outlook toward frugality and badassity even before he found ERE/MMM a few years ago. I remember on an early date he asked about my student loan debt, and I said I had between $40-50k (I honestly didn't even know). He told me I could pay it off in two years. I remember thinking, "Sure, buddy."

I've come a long way, and now we're very closely aligned financially though he is still more frugal. I still enjoy learning more about finances and frugality, which is part of the reason I hang out here. All of this to say, conversion is possible with the right person. Look for someone who shares your values and is interested in learning and improving their life. It just might work out.

[kib]

The importance of financial philosophy in a partner is directly proportional to its importance to YOU.  If you're staching along - sometimes - but usually happy to divert from the path, then a partner who's not quite on the same page may not be much of an issue.  OTOH, if you're full steam ahead balls to the wall dedicated to ERE, FI or A Number,, and your partner's attitude is something like, "yes, that's nice dear, something about math was it? now let's go get that Porche on credit, this is boring", you're headed for either incompatibility or the inability to achieve your dreams.

[MBot]

I know that money problems/conflicts are a common cause of marriages or relationships dissolving.

Money can be a scalpel or it can be glue. If you have similar priorities it's the latter. If not it will be the former. 

What it can't be is neutral. Money will never be static in a relationship.

[mlejw6]

I don't believe that financial issues are a compatibility issue in a relationship. There are too many stories of spendthrifts becoming savers (and perhaps vice versa, but you probably won't see them on this forum).

The important things in a relationship can be APPLIED to your financial habits. These include: communication and shared values. If you have both of these, the finances will follow.

My husband is not great with money, but he's not terrible either. He was happy to have debt if it got him what he wanted. He was also poor and knows the value of a dollar. Neither of these were deal-breakers for me. He was good about communicating his financial situation and talking about money. And, we had shared values of giving and being responsible (paying bills on time). So, while I have taken the reins on the financial aspect of our marriage, he is good about following the budget and communicating to me when changes need to be made.

My advice is: don't immediately judge dates on whether their checking account is a certain size. Look for compatibility of values and ability to communicate when things get tough.

[EllieStan]

Common-law and engaged.

My fiancé doesn't care about RE. He's not a spender, on many levels he's more frugal than I am. He's happy I want to work on our finances to be financially independant and enjoy a few luxuries here and there. We agree our ideal lifestyle is all about balance. We're currently sacrificing spending in many areas (vacations, hobbies/interests, date nights, wedding) in order to finish university and pay off our loans. However, there's no way we want to live like this once we're debt-free and both working. We'll always be frugal, we'll always make savings a priority once the loans are gone, but we'll definitely allow room for guilt-free spending and TIME together as a couple.

[FiguringItOut]

I'll add my two cents to this.

I am 40 and am recently divorced.  My ex and I had major incompatibility issues both financial and sexual. From the financial perspective I've never been mustachian before, but always struggled with our lack of savings, credit card debt, and money just disappearing without any thought or reason.  Sexually, my needs have always been much higher than his.

Now that I am divorced, I am starting to build up my FI from scratch.  I'm not in a relationship right now, but I do want one in the future.  However, I don't see myself ever getting officially married again.  At this stage of my life, sexual compatibility is a lot more important to me in my future relationship(s).  What I envision for myself at this time, is the relationship that is physically and emotionally fulfilling to me.  Financially, I have full intentions to keep my finances separate from anybody else.  What ever that other person decides to do with his finances is not going to affect me.  Without official marriage I should be immune to their potential credit card debts, frivolous spendings, etc.

 If I end up being the low spender and can't/won't do all the 'fun' things they want to to do, so be it.  If I end up be the better well off party, it would be my choice to either lower my spending further or cover some of their costs at my discretion.  But no intermingling of finances for me.  I may change my mind on all of this at some point in the future, but right now this is what makes me the most comfortable.

[Kimchi Bleu]

I got married young and have been married a long time.  I was always careful with money, DH came from a very poor background.  After he started making a decent salary we fell into the consumer trap.  Things he never had when a kid, he made up for.  Eventually we outgrew that.  I have always been the one who balances the checkbook.  We agreed to talk over any purchase that was more than $100.  We also learned to wait 24-48 hours before deciding if the purchase was a want, need, or a desire. 

What I have found to be important when looking at our life and the couples around us is wether our values and goals are the same. Spendy people can change if the value they put on money changes.  Are they buying things for a status symbol, keeping up with the Joneses, retail therapy.  If their eyes are opened to the value of money not being what it buys in merchandise but in freedom than I think there is a sea change in behavior.

As far as compatibility - if you don't have the same world view in life than it makes for a very difficult relationship.  Several of our friends have divorced because the couple valued different things in life and couldn't/didn't want to change their behavior to meet their partner's world view.  A great example of this is our friend who is self-employed.  He really enjoyed that and wanted to continue to be an entrepreneur with all the risks that involves.  Wife didn't like the ups and downs and risks.  She wanted him to be a 40hr/week employee.  They divorced because they couldn't change who their world views.

As far as meeting your partner - I've been out of the dating game for a long time but would think that if you are involved in hobbies or doing things you like than there would be like minded potential partners found there.

As far as how to navigate disagreements about anything - communication is key, agree to disagree at times, allowing your partner the time and space to process what has been said, and at the end of it all - is it worth having a total blow up or proving you are right?  Treat your SO as your best friend - be gentle and kind always.

Just my 2 cents!

[celticmyst08]

DH and I have been together for ~3.5 years, married for one. When we met, he was living pretty frugally in a small apartment and still driving his old '91 Honda Prelude. He hadn't racked up any credit card debt and was faithfully paying down his ~$40k of student loans. I think he had them paid down to around $15k by the time we started dating. He hadn't saved anything for retirement though. He just never really learned about it and since he was a 1099 employee he didn't have anything offered through work.

I was also pretty frugal, had no debt at all, and was saving 10% in my 401k. I got him to open an IRA and he started maxing that out. Then I opened one (a Roth, since my income was so low at that point) and started putting a couple hundred a month in it. After we got married we got serious about FIRE and started saving a lot more. We are pretty much on the same page financially, although I definitely know more about finances than he does, due to a crapton of online research. We honestly have never fought or really disagreed about money. I know some of that is luck of the draw, since we just have similar attitudes about money, but a lot of it is due to constant communication and respecting eachother's priorities.

[BrandonP]

My current partner drinks and smokes a lot. And doesn't really save anything!  I mean, they are not in debt, but they are not saving either.

When I'm paying for the shopping it is on a budget, and I don't buy a bunch of candy, chips, and ice cream like they do. 

Yeah, I'm not too sure if this is going to last long term.

edit. other issues apart from the spending.

[Sjalabais]

My wife and I met as students. Figuring out that we both wanted to exit the rat race and work less, live more, was our first serious, honest, good discussion together. While on a bike trip. Tellingly, eh? I am bearish on the economy as a whole and have to work hard to convince her how paying off our debts at 2.2%/anno is a good idea, as everybody perceives it as free money (which I figure is wrong). Now we're there, and we discuss our finances openly and with a great goal in mind.

Needless to say, that's a great pillar of our relationship.

[aetherie]

My boyfriend is super laid back and happy to go along with whatever plans and systems I put in motion. I manage all our financials and tracking - the only thing he needs to do is pay off his portion of expenses monthly, e-transfer me half the rent, and dump excess money into the investments I set him up with.

He never bothered to get a driver's license, so there's no car expenses/issues. He doesn't have any overly expensive habits or materialistic tendencies. He happily eats whatever kind of food he's given, so it's easy for me to keep our food costs down.It works well since I'm the opposite and super focused, organized, particular about how I like things, etc.

I could have written this word for word, except for the driver's license part, haha. When I found this site 2 years ago I called him up and said "you need to go read this right now and tell me if you're on board." He said "sure, looks like fun." And now we're on track to hit FIRE by 30. He just goes to work, does his (free) hobbies, and puts money into Vanguard whenever I remind him to. I love that money isn't a source of tension for us at all.

[Shinplaster]

Married for 36 years, together for 38.   We both had a similar attitude to money, but arrived there in totally different ways.   My parents were children of the depression, and never wasted money.  His parents, especially his Dad, never met a dollar they couldn't spend on stupid shit.   He hated the drama and stress of that lifestyle, and vowed to never be in debt.

Even though we were both frugal, we didn't always agree on how to spend our money, or what to spend it on.  But since our goals were aligned, we worked through the mechanics of achieving those goals, and settled on what works for us.   We have re-negotiated those mechanics many times, and will continue to do so if required.

In the end, I think if you find someone who has similar goals, and similar habits, the rest will take care of itself.  Our differences spice up the relationship, but the similarities are the glue that holds it together.

[KisKis]

In the end, I think if you find someone who has similar goals, and similar habits, the rest will take care of itself.  Our differences spice up the relationship, but the similarities are the glue that holds it together.

Agreed.  Married for 9 years, together for over 10.  DH and I met in college.  I was a fairly typical girl (in my opinion).  I loved to buy clothes (still do), went out to eat, dance clubs, etc.  DH was always very frugal, is pretty antisocial, and has possibly gotten even more so on both fronts over time. 

DH and I talked a lot about future goals and life philosophy as we got closer to engagement and marriage.  ...well really, I grilled him with endless hypothetical scenarios, and his answers gradually shifted my own views on finances.  Our life philosophies (religion, values, what makes us happy, etc.) have always been remarkably similar despite extremely different backgrounds and childhoods, but we developed our financial goals together.  DH is much more of a day-to-day thrifty extreme couponing sort.  I get more excited about long-term planning, with lots of pretty excel spreadsheets and projections.  We became engaged the summer after college graduation, and married in the winter at which point we both had full-time jobs.  A year or two after that, we set early retirement targets and have been working towards that ever since.  We are way ahead of my initial projections.  It is total teamwork, and I couldn't be happier.  I don't know how much of it was luck and how much was good communication and growing together in the same direction. 

I definitely tended to overanalyze when dating.  I had three serious boyfriends prior to DH and a few other shorter relationships.  I really pulled as much information out of them as possible about their life goals and values, and also paid close attention to their family relationships.  I really knew DH was a viable option (lol, I'm so coldly analytical) when I saw him interacting with his family for the first time.  He is stingy with himself but completely generous with those he cares about.  His parents are also early retirees (retired at the birth of our first child), though my parents are actually financially better off but are workaholics.  I don't know.  There is no secret formula, but knowledge is power.  You have to really understand yourself and your own triggers and weaknesses before you look for a partner who will complement you and share the same ultimate goals.

[somebody8198]

Thanks for your feedback! I agree, as I have gotten older I now see an appealing relationship as one where the two people agree on certain important things: children, financial goals, lifestyle, religion and traditions. Things that are generally considered "deal breakers." Everything else seems like details to me now.