Feeling Lost

[drdollars]

Sorry if this is disorganized....

For the past several months, I've been feeling like something is really "off." After finishing graduate school three and half years ago, we relocated to South Florida to be closer to family. Even though we were shocked by the cost of living, I had found a good job as a professor and my husband was making very decent money as a restaurant manager. We were renting a house, saving a decent amount of money, and adjusting. Last year we bought a house, and I feel like everything has changed. Even though we love our home, we are realizing that we HATE south Florida, and we are struggling financially. It's too hot, the people are frequently rude, the traffic is terrible, the "keeping up with the Joneses mentality" is exhausting and dangerous, etc.  And the house, simply put, is just too expensive for us. We bought it to compensate for not really liking the area we were in, feeling like it would help us tolerate the area. All of the family we moved to be closer to has since moved away with the exception of my husband's parents, who we love tremendously and who would be devastated if we moved away after finally "coming home" (we have two young children, their grandkids). My husband's work schedule is killing him at 60+ hours a week of restaurant work (sometimes overnight shifts, sometimes day shifts or mids...no consistency of sleep patterns). When he's home, he's not really "home"--his brain is at work, where he basically lives. The kids barely see him. Our savings is dwindling rapidly, and if something doesn't change, things could get serious. 

This is NOT how we want to live. We want to be together, spend time with our kids, go outside and enjoy life.  We put a new roof on the house and all new floors, money we would lose if we sold it; we'd also lose a huge chunk in closing costs and realtor fees. We feel so stuck--unsure if we should just sell the house and downsize here in Hell, sell the house and move to the Pacific NW (in a lower cost of living area) once we could secure work, try to stick it out to see if these feelings are temporary (I've been picking up extra courses as an adjunct just to make ends meet).  I'm so lost. I don't want to crush by in-laws, and I *love* my current job....it's just everything else. Any advice or encouragement would definitely be appreciated!

[Hopper]

It sounds like a tough situation.  Only you both can know what will make you happy, or especially, what isn't making you happy.  It seems clear that this isn't it.  Buying the house complicated things, but if you really aren't happy, maybe you can rent it or, if the market allows, sell it at not too much of a loss.  Eating some costs for closing and commissions, etc. is hard, but in the long run - you will be a better person - parent and spouse, if you aren't hating your situation.

The inlaws thing is hard.  But its your life, and they can come visit.  Also, I presume they are or soon will be retired.  That will give them flexibility for longer trips (maybe? I haven't found that to be the case with my newly retired parents.  Their latest excuse was the tomato plants need attention, hah!) 

Anyway, if you are eating through your savings, you need to change something.  It may not be a big move, which will also eat through savings, but it may be looking at engineering your current life to limit the driving in crazy traffic, spend more time with the inlaws you love, and maybe do a meetup or try to get more exercise.

It also sounds like a career change for your husband might be worth looking in to, is it this specific job or all restaurant management jobs that require such long, tiring hours?  If his job situation improved, so would your time to do the suggestions above.

Good luck to you!  You can do it.

[2ndTimer]

Hi:  I lived in South FL for a couple years in my youth and I must agree that it is an acquired taste.  I now live in the PNW and it too, is something you need to learn to love.  I want to encourage you to do two things.  The first is to write a proper case study.  This will give you a clearer idea of exactly where the money is going and us something to critique.  That will start you on the road to getting the financial stuff under control.  You will get some facepunches but also a lot of good advice.

The second is to start a journal here.  That will help you sort out the mental and emotional parts of your feelings about where you live.  People in the journal section are a bit gentler and less likely to facepunch but also very willing to offer advice and support on various issues.

[pbkmaine]

First, take a deep breath. Next step: post a case study so we can look at your expenses. The first year or so of owning a house always costs more than people expect. As far as selling the house goes - there are a lot of experienced real estate people on this forum who can advise you. If you do sell, please please please rent for a while until you decide that you are going to stay put.

[Noodle]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. But it is fixable!

The two top priorities right now are 1) fixing the money drain to get some breathing space and b) figuring out some priorities with your husband. Tracking expenses, posting a case study, and doing actual research on possible alternatives on the housing situation (sell the house? rent the house? cut back other expenses and stay in the house a year or two to let it appreciate?) may address problem one. The second may be tough with your husband working so much but it's an important conversation to have. Barring a miracle, you aren't going to get everything you want, so what's most important? A cooler climate? A close relationship between your in-laws and your kids? Lower COL? A strong job market? You can't even start making big decisions until you know what you're trying to accomplish.

[drdollars]

Thanks, everyone! What is a case study? Is that the same thing as a budget?

[Kris]

Thanks, everyone! What is a case study? Is that the same thing as a budget?

Start here:

http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/ask-a-mustachian/how-to-write-a-'case-study'-topic/

[TomTX]

What about having the inlaws move into the house and pay rent to help out?

If that would be good for YOU (it works in a lot of cultures) - have a heart-to-heart with the in-laws explaining that the house is just too much financially.

Get your husband to cut back, or just get a different job. His job sucks. He needs to change that.

[The_path_less_taken]

I'm sorry you  feel stuck.

I couldn't do the humidity or the flying bugs there, so I can sympathize.

As for the house....sometimes there is no easy answer. Renting it out? Adding a roommate? Selling it just to get out from under: this time of year might be a good time to sell in your area, as New Yorkers consider the thought of another winter.

Maybe Husband getting a better gig? Or (no idea of what he makes/how he is with kids) but if it's a big house, there are things like home daycare, home dog daycare, caring for elderly that could utilize some of the space and maybe get him a home biz thing? Where he could be bringing in some income from the daycare aspect and then do a work from home hustle?

Bottom line, you have to choose your life. If this one isn't making you happy....you have to change it.

Good luck.

[Dee18]

I took a position in a strange city as a tenure track professor, had my daughter, and bought my first house all the same year- so I very much feel for you.  You didn't mention exactly what your work situation is, but if it is a tenure track professorship there may be a great work-life balance ahead.  Others have commented on some aspects of your post, but the red flag for me was your picking up extra courses as an adjunct to make ends meet.  The last thing you need right now is more work.  In my speciality, faculty often do a lateral move after getting a first promotion at the end of year three or four.  If that is true in your specialty- and you like the job- do everything you can to be well situated for a lateral move (strong publishing, good reviews by students, networking, etc) and go all out for a position where you want to live.  Sell the house as soon as possible, even if you take a loss and downsize to a two bedroom rental.  Owning a house takes more time, as well as more money.  You don't need to tell the in laws you plan to move until you have a job offer in hand....if they question your selling the house, just honestly tell them you realized you made a mistake buying it.

If you don't want to continue being a professor figure out what you want.  I know a couple former professors who are very happy teaching at an elite private high school instead...including my daughter's former AP calculus teacher. (He said he enjoyed having students who always did their homework and came to class, no publishing, and slightly more money.) With your husband's experience and work ethic, it sounds like he could find work in any city....hopefully with more reasonable hours.  (Has he considered running a cafeteria at a small college?  A corporate dining room?)

Three years is long enough to try out a place.  Don't worry about the in laws. If they want to they can follow you.  If you move to PNW you can spend winter break with them and they can visit you in the summer.

On MMM you can learn how to live a cushy life on much less money. That creates many possibilities.  Welcome!

[Thegoblinchief]

The least drastic move would be getting your husband a different job with regular hours. Simultaneously, go through your expenses with a fine-toothed comb and see whether you're wasting money. In a work-stressed situation you're probably burning cash like there's no tomorrow. Outside eyes can help point out the overspending but only you can fix it.

Meanwhile, both of you should also be looking for jobs elsewhere. Any particular reason you're picking PNW?