Now let's pause here. When I had senior high school photos done in 1986, we got one photo and you bought a package for $39.99.
I don't think it's quite fair to compare today's prices against prices from the 80s. Everything is more expensive. Having said that, I teach high school seniors, and $300 is kind of the high-end of what kids tend to buy. I bought individual sheets of my kids' senior pictures rather than a package, and I spent a little over $100/kid -- we did just the formal pictures. I've never heard anyone say, "I don't enjoy looking back at old pictures", or "I spent too much money on pictures of my kids".
Note, too, that the purchase of senior pictures has no deadline. She can go back to the photographer in 2, 3, 10 years and ask for prints then.
Anyway, we took the girl out and after a full day of shopping for everything from clothes to shoes to underwear, bras, school supplies and bedding, she was deposited back at home and we were $900 poorer. We don't mind. We don't have kids, so spoiling other people's from time to time is our karmic payment to the universe.
I'm assuming that this kid's needs have pretty much been ignored, and I don't think this is too awfully bad: not for clothes, shoes, under-items, bedding, and school supplies. Yes, it's a lot at once, but in a more typical house hold, the daughter would've been getting these things bit by bit instead of all at once.
1) My SO's sister received an inheritance 6 months ago of $30k. I guess it's all gone and she's back to living on welfare, food stamps and other aid. This woman has never worked.
Dealing with three sons with serious medical problems, I can see why she doesn't work NOW. What I don't understand is why she never worked before she had children. I also wonder why she continued to have children once she realized she had as much as she could handle on her own.
4) The teen girl was sullen the entire day and I had to prompt her to thank my SO. I was a sullen teen as well, so I get it, but she usually appreciates us. I guess the novelty has worn off. We're just the rich aunties.
I'd be willing to bet she doesn't know how to react to this treatment, and it comes out as bad, sullen angst-y type behavior. You can't expect her to be anything except what she is: A kid who's grown up in a deprived household.
That reminds me, why do we still do school pictures, when digital cameras are relatively cheap and abundant? I understand school pictures being a big deal when you had to develop film, but I have approximately 17,000 photographs of my three month old.
I'd bet you have about 16,998 digital images of your three-month old -- and two paper prints that you can actually frame or put into a scrapbook. That's the way digital images are: No one ever prints them, and they just sort of end up "lost". I teach photography, and even I'm guilty of this!
Why do we still "do" school pictures? Because it's how kids' pictures get into the yearbook and because it's a fund raiser for the school - a fundraiser that parents actually LIKE. Not everyone takes pictures, pictures, pictures, and many parents LIKE a reminder and an easy way to have good pictures taken. I admit my standards are pretty high (I do teach photography), but I'm fairly well appalled at what most people consider a "great photograph"; pretty much, it means you can identify the person in the picture.
Thanks for writing, AnnaJane. We have tried to do what we can, but this girl has been classified as learning disabled as well ... When asked about what she's going to do after high school, the teen says she wants to be an actress. She's never been in a play or taken a class, but she thinks this is a viable career path.
For a kid to be classified as "learning disabled", he or she must consistently demonstrate a 2-year discrepancy between his or her age and ability. So if a 10-year old is only able to complete math appropriate for an 8-year old, he or she could be classified as "learning disabled in math". Thing is, a whole lot of 10-year olds who never do their homework
are simply behind in their skills, but that can mean they're only able to do 8-year old work with any accuracy. The OP's calling this "stunted", and it's a pretty accurate descriptor.
Also, a true learning disabled kid is only disabled in ONE area -- you cannot be learning disabled in a general sense; the diagnosis must be attached to a specific set of skills. For example, I have students who read at an average level, but they have serious, serious problems with writing. A kid who's genuinely learning disabled will not have problems "across the board".
In contrast, I have a cousin who LOOKS normal and SPEAKS normally, but when he was in school he could've been classified as learning disabled in multiple subjects.
The truth is that he's mildly retarded; he probably has about a 70-80 IQ. That he looks normal was good luck; that he speaks normally is because he was raised in a family that provided him with an enriched environment. He has a wonderful work ethic -- so long as he doesn't have to think for himself -- and he works as a plumber's helper (fetching and carrying), and it stretches the limits of his career abilities. But I digress ...
In the long run, being learning disabled isn't a huge handicap, though it certainly does make school harder. Such a person can choose a career that avoids his or her weaknesses.
As for becoming an actress, I saw my own kids (and their friends) go through this at the middle school level -- they were all going to be singers, artists, basketball players, models. However, by the time they'd finished a year of high school, all of the average-and-above kids had matured enough to realize that these are pie-in-the-sky dreams, and they'd started searching for more realistic plans. And/or they'd realized the difference between a hobby and a job.
An idea: My oldest earned a CNA license (Certified Nursing Assistant) through her high school courses, and as a college student she's found PLENTY of work in a variety of places (she's studying to become an RN). This might be an ideal choice for your niece. I've seen advertisements for $450 2-week classes that lead to a CNA license (I think the CNA test was around $100), and if she does that for a few years -- and does well -- she could "move up" to a CNA 2, an LPN, etc. From what you describe, RN may be out of her league, but CNA will open doors to secure jobs with benefits. CNAs aren't expected to dress nicely (a set of scrubs at the discount place is under $20) or have good communications skills -- and except for home health, they work under the direction of someone else. It seems like a reasonable possibility for your niece.
Perhaps you could offer to put her through such a course as a graduation present. Or, better yet, my grandmother used to say, "Never give a child what he will earn." She didn't mean actual paying jobs (because she meant children-children, not teens or young adults) so much as working around the house or holding off on a reward until a good report card came around.
Another thought: Do they have Job Corps where you live? It's a program for kids who aren't stupid, but who don't have the family support to help them transition from high school (an experience that sort of happens to you) to career (an experience where, if you do nothing, nothing will happen). It takes kids out of their home environments and gives them training -- I think mostly in trades -- and it teaches them life skills. It's kind of like High School 2.0 ... but focused on the life skills that most of us are teaching our kids while they're teens. I've heard rave reviews about it.
Senior pictures has become another occasion to overspend on your offspring, sanctioned by the schools. My daughter's (public) high school hired a photographer and every child had a photo shoot which resulted in a whole bunch of proofs for her to choose from. I think the cheapest package you could purchase was over $200 and for maybe $230 you could get some wallets in addition to the 8x10 people usually want. It was a total rip off. You could even hire the photographer for half a day and take you to several locations for your photo shoot, for an additional couple hundred dollars.. Madness.
At the school where I teach, you CAN do this, but there's ZERO pressure from school or friends to buy -- kids don't trade wallet pictures any more like they did when I was in high school. Kids can JUST have a picture made for the yearbook and the newspaper without any cost.
LOL at 17 being too late. The older I get, the more I realize that when I was 17, I was far from fully formed. Habits can be changed. Sometimes people just need a map, and they need to see that the 4 minute mile is possible. Didn't this forum coin the phrase, "Mustachian 180"?? :)
I don't think 17 is too late ... but I think it's the uncomfortable middle, where great enlightenment is unlikely to be found. She's not a young child who can be gently guided towards valuing education and exploring her options and developing her talents, nor is she an adult who has "been out there" and realized that she NEEDS an education. Given her upbringing, she probably isn't thinking past her first day of school outfit, and -- if she does think about the future -- she probably believes that actress is a real possibility.
Makeup is most definitely not a necessity.
I'm also questioning why you'd get her bedding if she might be leaving the family home when she's 18. (I'd wait till I knew what she was doing post-high school for that purchase.)
Clothes, shoes, school supplies sure - but still I don't see $900 there.
Teenaged girls
consider make-up a necessity.
Nice sheets and blankets
may not be a necessity, but they certainly are a wonderful luxury, and the girl's going to continue to need a place to sleep no matter what she does a year from now.
I agree these are splurges, but they're not crazy-wild splurges -- and we all enjoy nice things. As a high school teacher, I am 100% certain that the average teenaged girl has many, many more splurges of this nature. I was a teen during the affluent 80s, and I had few treats and splurges -- I would've been thrilled beyond belief to have had a "rich auntie" help me. I so treasured the few niceties I had, the few items that let me feel like the other kids for just a moment. Don't beat up the OP for trying to be kind to a kid who needs some help.