Extremely aggravating Christmas purchase my sister made for my kids

[stealthwealth]

My sister picked up a pair of Kindle Fires for my kids (preschool and elementary school) and gave them to my kids for Christmas last night.  We were out of town actual Xmas day with other family, so this is when we got together w my sister.  The main issues are 1) if we wanted to have tablets for our kids, we'd have purchased them.  2)  We did not plan on any touchscreen devices until they were older...say 12 or 13 or so.  3)  They didn't ask if it was okay, despite that we've often said we don't want to have tablets or other devices like that for our kids.  They're basically tablets, loaded up with some kind of software platform that does something or other I really don't care to waste however many hours it will take to understand since the UI is an incomprehensible maze of options and logins, and I had no intention to give my kids something like this in the first place.  I've spent an hour trying to decipher the parental controls on this thing, which seem to barely work, and which don't produce the effect I would expect them to produce.  Again, for a device I don't want in my house in the first place!  Our single computer and my wife and I's barebones smartphones are more than enough.

I cannot express how aggravating this is.  I sort of want to drive over these things and render them inoperable.  Or lose them.  Or put them in storage for at least another 4 or 5 years. 

[okits]

I’d be annoyed, too.

To keep the family peace I’d occasionally read some ebooks on them with my kids and shelve the Kindles the rest of the time.  It’s still your prerogative, as the parents, to decide how much screen time and device access your kids get.

[Trifle]

^This.  You could tell the kids that they are for road/plane trips only (or some other rare occasion) and put them away. 

We made it to age 10 or so with our kids before the device mania started, and in hindsight I wish we had waited longer. 

[kimmarg]

^This.  You could tell the kids that they are for road/plane trips only (or some other rare occasion) and put them away. 

We made it to age 10 or so with our kids before the device mania started, and in hindsight I wish we had waited longer.

Ditto. I can't imagine my preschooler having a tablet full time. That said I was pretty darn happy to park her in front of ours when we did a 7 hour drive just her and I. "look! a treat! you get to watch as much Thomas the tank engine as you want and Mommy gets to drive through heavy traffic"

[Hula Hoop]

That is really annoying - I bet they were expensive too.  Does your sister have kids? Maybe she didn't realize what this would mean for your kids and family and just thought it would be nice for them.

Anyway, I'd put down strict rules like "only for long trips' or "only for an hour on Sundays" etc.  I'm not familiar with the Kindle fire but our older daughter (10) uses our regular kindle a lot to read library books.  Can your elementary school kid use the kindle fire for this?

[Much Fishing to Do]

May be very annoying for you, as you may have to tell your kids they can't have them, but I'd cut the gifters a little slack as it may have been an honest mistake.  Mainly saying this b/c I've done something similar twice, and really had no idea I was making a big mistake.  My nephew loved playing with one of my kid's nerf dart guns when over one time so I got him one never considering I should have asked the parents first if it was ok, which it turned out it wasn't.  I was sorry to have made the mistake and put them in that position to take it away, so now I know to be more aware.  A family friends daughter graduated from high school and I gave her what was apparently too much money, my other mistake.  I think there are a lot of well intentioned people who are just as clueless as I am about this stuff, we'll learn.

[Cranky]

Fires were on sale pretty darned cheap for the Black Friday sale - I replaced my first generation Fire for about $40.

They are supposed to have pretty robust parental controls, and there are a lot of books available.

Perfectly okay to keep them for car use, though.

[Adam Zapple]

If you don't tell her that type of gift is not ok she will not know in the future.  I have no qualms telling family we don't want a gift they get for our kids.  Things that fall into this category are giant space sucking plastic toys or obnoxiously loud toys.  I have told my parents that if they want the kids to have the toys they can keep them at their house for when we are visiting.

[MrThatsDifferent]

I’d be furious because the latest studies are showing that the tablet devices and smartphones are like crack to kids. I honestly think they’re making parents lazy and this whole, well, it’s the only thing that shuts the kid up is bullshit. I’d delay as much as possible and simply go no, not using them. Your sister can be as pissed as she wants, she’s not raising the kids.

[CheapScholar]

I can see how that’s annoying.

But, as the father of a 9 year old, I think your plan to keep your kids off touch screens is noble yet very unrealistic.  Unless you think it’d be fun times having them beg for a device and absolutely hate you every single day.  These devices are how kids talk to one another.  I get that the devices have a lot of bad qualities, including changing the way our brains develop.  But, I honestly think a policy of NO touch screens until 12 would do much more harm than good.

[cripes7]

I'm sure her intent was to provide access to books and kids games for your children. Instead of being furious, be glad she cares enough about your kids to buy them a gift. Then graciously say, while we really appreciate this, we're going to wait a while to expose the kids to screens, so we're going to put this away until they're a little older. Then if you decide a kindle book on a long car ride might be good, feel free to use it.

[DreamFIRE]

If you don't tell her that type of gift is not ok she will not know in the future.  I have no qualms telling family we don't want a gift they get for our kids.

That's what I thought when I started reading that post, but then the OP stated:

3)  They didn't ask if it was okay, despite that we've often said we don't want to have tablets or other devices like that for our kids.

I've known people who have said the same thing about video games.  I think it's better if kids don't use any of that stuff much.

[ketchup]

I'm not a parent, but as a former kid, you want what your friends have.  My first "device" of any kind was a Gameboy Color at age 9.  I wanted to play Pokémon, because all the kids were playing Pokémon.

Video games are different than tablets though.  Everything in a game is self-contained (at least back in the day this was always true).  It might be very engaging and even potentially addictive, but it's not pushing the same brain buttons as social media and other bullshit that tablets open your kids up to.  I think you're right to be cautious.  I have no idea personally quite how I'd handle it if I had kids.  Either way, it's your call, not your sister's.

Your sister is a jerk for doing that.  Tell her that, and make a big show in the future of asking her what she got your kids before giving it to them.

[Paul der Krake]

https://www.amazon.com/gp/help/customer/display.html?nodeId=201976310

[katscratch]

I don't think it's unreasonable to start explaining your family's personal values to your kids. Toddler might not understand "values" yet, but probably could understand that different families have different rules. Just like school has different rules from home for kids that go to school, or like you have different rules at work than at home.

You can explain to them that the tablets are a really nice gift, but in your house you and mom don't have tablets either, and your family rule is no tablets. Or whatever you and your wife ultimately decide - whether it's to only use them on vacation, or on holidays to read a book together - whatever limit you decide. If it's getting rid of them, then so be it.

We were very strict about certain toys and exposure to media. We didn't have a TV for years even though my son's dad works in film and video production. If tablets and smartphones had been ubiquitous then, we definitely would have banned them until our kiddo's brain was developed enough to have healthy neural pathways relating to media.

As a young adult, he loves building computers and playing video games, but he's fantastic at regulating his time, even on the epic games that are designed to suck people in for hours. I'm sure we would have had to adjust our methods with different kids' personalities, but sticking to our family's personal values around technology that we felt was harmful to developing brains seems to have worked out ok for us.

[Omy]

I think it depends on your sister's motivation. Was she purposely going against your wishes - or just trying to be the "cool aunt"? As the cool aunt, I love to get the kiddos special indulgences that mom and dad wouldn't normally give (but the policy is to run it by mom and dad first for approval). If she's doing it out of spite or to undermine your wishes, then you've got a bigger issue that good communication probably won't solve.

There's another theory that if you don't allow limited access to screen time, your kids will get "behind" in technology - all of their peers will pass them by. That's a whole other can of worms to debate - and I would be inclined to side with you while they are relatively young. I've seen screen-addicted toddlers and it isn't pretty.

[Rosy]

Dang - I'm truly surprised at the answers you've received. Is this really the 21st Century?

Why for heaven's sakes would one object to a tablet so kids can read books incl. books from the library, play games and watch movies?
I grew up in a house where I was allowed to read anything I wanted including the books in my grandfather's library.
No one objected to my having my own library card and checking out any books I wanted to read either.

Frankly, I'm shocked at some of the answers you've received.
Children need all the advantages of whatever century they are born in, to hold them back artificially should be considered a crime and certainly represents a missed parental obligation.
I can hear you gnashing your teeth especially when you mentioned you'd like to run over the device:) I sympathize, because no one likes to be thwarted and certainly one feels strongly about how one wants to raise their children - without interference from the outside world. I understand that.

But, since you asked for input I think you have genuine concerns and are flexible enough as a person to listen to another dissident in this tirade and perhaps allow for the tablets in a controlled way.
I will not ask why you were confounded by the parental controls. I'm guessing you were way off from the norm, but I assume you recognized that. I saw someone posted an internet source for guidance - so there you go.

They say it takes a village to raise a child and that is oh, so true. All we can do as parents is to try to do our best, and then some, and sometimes even that is not good enough.

CheapScholar expressed himself more mildly, so I'll end by reiterating his sage advice.

I can see how that’s annoying.

But, as the father of a 9 year old, I think your plan to keep your kids off touch screens is noble yet very unrealistic.  Unless you think it’d be fun times having them beg for a device and absolutely hate you every single day.  These devices are how kids talk to one another.  I get that the devices have a lot of bad qualities, including changing the way our brains develop.  But, I honestly think a policy of NO touch screens until 12 would do much more harm than good.

[soccerluvof4]

I thinks its time you learn to accept to some degree that this is how things are and how to control it and your kids learn that there will be time limits etc.. on these things. I don't think your sister went out and intentionally tried to ruin your day or make you angry. Can be a good tool for your kids if you use it and monitor it to the things you want them to be for like education purposes. So many schools/classes use tablets these days its better for them to learn how to use them now but as a tool and timed.

[beer-man]

I’d be annoyed, too.

To keep the family peace I’d occasionally read some ebooks on them with my kids and shelve the Kindles the rest of the time.  It’s still your prerogative, as the parents, to decide how much screen time and device access your kids get.

Agreed, you are the parent you can decide how they get used and how much


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[mountain mustache]

I don't have kids, but I remember being one in the 90s/2000s, kind of on the brink of technology, and I am SO SO glad my parents didn't let me have a cell phone till College, and a computer until Junior year of high school (because school required it). We had a family computer that we were welcome to play an hour or two of educational games on, but we weren't allowed to "surf" the internet or just waste time. I read books instead...real ones, not tablet ones. I went to the library, interacted with the librarians, independently checked out my own books and was responsible for returning them. I spent hours reading, on car trips, in my free time. I don't understand why kids "need" devices now, they aren't any different than kids were 15-20 years ago! I wish I had never gotten a computer, honestly, because it can be such a waste of time! I read way less now, and not because I don't have enough time.  I get the convenience of tablet products for reading books, but part of the fun of reading is going to the library, interacting with people, and hunting for books on the shelves. I think all of this tablet/phone interaction is just isolating kids from the real world. Kids don't have to communicate via technology, they are just being told it's ok.
Anyway, all that to say, I think it is perfectly reasonable that you are aggravated by this gift, and honestly I would put them away, and not take them back out until they are in high school, maybe college. But that is just my (not a parent) advice, as a person who grew up when all of this stuff started to become popular, and whose parents rejected it and I turned out (in my opinion) better because of it.

[starbuck]

I cannot express how aggravating this is.  I sort of want to drive over these things and render them inoperable.  Or lose them.  Or put them in storage for at least another 4 or 5 years.

Honestly, just get rid of them and be done with it. As a parent to a preschooler I feel the same as you. And if it were me, I would just get rid of them and move on with my day. One less thing to manage in their lives.

[use2betrix]

Either get rid of them or just have them for books to read on special occasions. I really would try to just make a decision and be done with it as opposed to losing sleep over it. I think most every feasible option has been given in this thread multiple times, there’s not too much to think about.

[CheapScholar]

I honestly wonder how many people commenting here are actually raising pre-teen children.

I’m very concerned about the technology and the addictive behaviors that come with it.  But, as I stated above, these tablets are just how kids (at least, upper middle class kids, communicate).  If you’re not raising kids it’s easy to show up on this thread and say that tablets are bad and commend the OP.  But as someone with a son turning 10 in two months, I do think not giving him the technology would be a huge disadvantage.  It’s on me and my spouse to limit the time spent and make sure he’s not viewing inappropriate things.

I grew up in the 80s/90s as well.  I was lucky in that there were two boys in my grade on my street.  My son doesn’t have that luxury, as there are no boys in his grade in the entire subdivision.  Also, it’s 9 fucking degrees outside.  He’s playing games on his Nintendo Switch and iPad with kids in his class today.  All I’m saying is there is a very real social cost of having your kids NEVER use these devices.  If you think it’s the right parenting decision, more power to you.  Just know that your kid will pay a price socially in today’s world - that’s just the reality.

Also, it’s easy to look at the bad stuff with the technology and justify a ban in your home.  Yes, my son plays Fortnite sometimes and it’s hard to get him off of it.  But, he also watches educational videos from PBS, checks out ebooks from the library, learns foreign language, and is learning coding.  Plus he’s able to call his grandparents whenever he wants. 

[Milizard]

My kids have them, and I use the timer to limit use to 15-20 minutes at a time.  This is important.  I Have mixed feelings about the devices for kids in general, but Pandora s box has been opened. They do connect with friends via shared games,  and it motivated my kindergarten to learn to read really well completely on his own, so it's not all terribly.
But those short time blocks are very important.

[ROF Expat]

I guess I'm an outlier here, but we're pretty happy with the Kindle Fire we gave our child.  We turned off the internet browser and purchasing functions, but she has access to the curated book and video functions.  We limit video time to 30 minutes per day and app time to another 30 minutes.  We allow unlimited reading (although we set the kindle itself to only operate during the hours she should be awake).  My child is a huge reader and we don't have access to a public library.  I buy her physical books, too, but I figure the Kindle pays for itself in the savings on the physical books I don't buy.  As far as I'm concerned, if you turn off the browsing, video, and app functions (which is easy), having the kindle is no different from leaving your kid in the kids' section of a public library.  I feel lucky that my kid loves to read, and I feel the ebook reader part of the Kindle supports that at a very reasonable cost. 

[Cassie]

I limited my kids TV to a hour a day. Maybe set a time limit. My kids had handheld video games by age 5.  I didn’t even have to limit them because they preferred to play outside, read and play board games even though winters were long in Wisconsin.

[PharmaStache]

My kid started using an ipad at school in kindergarten.  So you may not make it to 10-12 years old.

I agree with keeping them for car use.  We only use them when making a 4 hour trip and they are wonderful!

[ReadySetMillionaire]

I just read “Irresistible,” which is a good book on the impact of screens/technology. I agree with the above poster that it drives me insane to see a family out to eat, and they just give their young kid a device because they know it’s crack to them. Such a missed opportunity for the child to learn how to interact with others.

But, I would view this as an opportunity to teach your kids how to use these devices responsibly.

The heaviest drinkers at college were the ones who never drank at all in high school. The guys who played poker non-stop were the ones who never gambled with dimes as a kid. My freshman roommate, who didn’t have internet at his house, ended up flunking out because he played so much World of Warcraft.

A Kindle is really a mild device compared to others. I LOVE reading on it, and e-books are so much cheaper and save so much room in your house.

So, maybe view this as an opportunity.

[charis]

I just read “Irresistible,” which is a good book on the impact of screens/technology. I agree with the above poster that it drives me insane to see a family out to eat, and they just give their young kid a device because they know it’s crack to them. Such a missed opportunity for the child to learn how to interact with others.

But, I would view this as an opportunity to teach your kids how to use these devices responsibly.

The heaviest drinkers at college were the ones who never drank at all in high school. The guys who played poker non-stop were the ones who never gambled with dimes as a kid. My freshman roommate, who didn’t have internet at his house, ended up flunking out because he played so much World of Warcraft.

A Kindle is really a mild device compared to others. I LOVE reading on it, and e-books are so much cheaper and save so much room in your house.

So, maybe view this as an opportunity.

I just have to say that I hate it when people automatically judge parents who pull out a device during dinner at a restaurant.  We have taken our kids to  restaurants many, many times in their short lives. 95% it's just us interacting as a family. 5% of the time we've had a crappy day or we're exhausted, etc, and want a few mintues of peace that we know will not come during that meal. Fwiw, we have kids who rarely use a tablet or smart phone, outside of school.

If you have no idea what those families are going through, let's give the judgment a rest.

[okits]

I just read “Irresistible,” which is a good book on the impact of screens/technology. I agree with the above poster that it drives me insane to see a family out to eat, and they just give their young kid a device because they know it’s crack to them. Such a missed opportunity for the child to learn how to interact with others.

But, I would view this as an opportunity to teach your kids how to use these devices responsibly.

The heaviest drinkers at college were the ones who never drank at all in high school. The guys who played poker non-stop were the ones who never gambled with dimes as a kid. My freshman roommate, who didn’t have internet at his house, ended up flunking out because he played so much World of Warcraft.

A Kindle is really a mild device compared to others. I LOVE reading on it, and e-books are so much cheaper and save so much room in your house.

So, maybe view this as an opportunity.

I just have to say that I hate it when people automatically judge parents who pull out a device during dinner at a restaurant.  We have taken our kids to  restaurants many, many times in their short lives. 95% it's just us interacting as a family. 5% of the time we've had a crappy day or we're exhausted, etc, and want a few mintues of peace that we know will not come during that meal. Fwiw, we have kids who rarely use a tablet or smart phone, outside of school.

If you have no idea what those families are going through, let's give the judgment a rest.

Initial reaction: yeah, you can’t always see that the parents just spent X amount of time interacting, teaching, or trying to contain their kids before capitulating and whipping out a device.

Second reaction: is someone going to facepunch you?  :D

We have taken our kids to  restaurants many, many times in their short lives.

My kid started using an ipad at school in kindergarten.  So you may not make it to 10-12 years old.

I’m surprised they introduce the iPad at school at such a young age!  So far my kid in kindergarten has gotten to pretend play with an old desktop and keyboard (not plugged in).

[charis]

I just read “Irresistible,” which is a good book on the impact of screens/technology. I agree with the above poster that it drives me insane to see a family out to eat, and they just give their young kid a device because they know it’s crack to them. Such a missed opportunity for the child to learn how to interact with others.

But, I would view this as an opportunity to teach your kids how to use these devices responsibly.

The heaviest drinkers at college were the ones who never drank at all in high school. The guys who played poker non-stop were the ones who never gambled with dimes as a kid. My freshman roommate, who didn’t have internet at his house, ended up flunking out because he played so much World of Warcraft.

A Kindle is really a mild device compared to others. I LOVE reading on it, and e-books are so much cheaper and save so much room in your house.

So, maybe view this as an opportunity.

I just have to say that I hate it when people automatically judge parents who pull out a device during dinner at a restaurant.  We have taken our kids to  restaurants many, many times in their short lives. 95% it's just us interacting as a family. 5% of the time we've had a crappy day or we're exhausted, etc, and want a few mintues of peace that we know will not come during that meal. Fwiw, we have kids who rarely use a tablet or smart phone, outside of school.

If you have no idea what those families are going through, let's give the judgment a rest.

Initial reaction: yeah, you can’t always see that the parents just spent X amount of time interacting, teaching, or trying to contain their kids before capitulating and whipping out a device.

Second reaction: is someone going to facepunch you?  :D

We have taken our kids to  restaurants many, many times in their short lives.

My kid started using an ipad at school in kindergarten.  So you may not make it to 10-12 years old.

I’m surprised they introduce the iPad at school at such a young age!  So far my kid in kindergarten has gotten to pretend play with an old desktop and keyboard (not plugged in).

Ha yeah, I figured someone would pick up on that. It's all relative, but the grandparents are big into restaurants, so we do go more than I normally like.

[Noodle]

I read an interesting article recently that argued that it is better to work on teaching children online etiquette, safety, evaluating what they see, etc rather than to focus on banning electronics--the thinking is that they eventually will have access to these things, and need to be prepared in the same way parents prepare their kids about etiquette, safety, evaluating people they meet in real life.

https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/52899/forget-screen-time-rules-lean-in-to-parenting-your-wired-child-author-says

If you really don't want screens (or you know you have the kind of kids who will turn reasonable limits into massive fights) of course that is your prerogative. But maybe the Kindles would be good for "starter practice" at least for the older one.

[ETBen]

Agreed that people need to ask parents before buying certain gifts. Also agreed that they often don’t know. I didn’t before I became a parent.

Other possible uses: I have a tablet set up in the kitchen. The kids can save recipes they like on Yummly. Then we make them together. I also have a kids news site so they can see what’s going on with an appropriate level.

But yes at a young age, schools give homework where they go online and research things. They also have educational game sites that the kids like to do and are the ones they use at school. Not in exchange for paper pen and books. But often used.

At your kids age though, out of sight out of mind worked. Or resell them to buy board games and other family time things.

[bogart]

I don't know how old the OP's kids are but ... yeah -- as a fellow parent of a pre-teen kid, I'd be pretty aggravated too.

Our middle-schooler has access to a computer at home (used for a blend of entertainment and school work), we have a TV, and we have an old smart-phone, not connected to wifi or allowed to access data, that serves as the home phone.  That's it.

I've told my kid, no portable devices until he learns to touch-type. 

None of this produces histrionics in our household.  He wishes he were allowed more screen time but actually seems largely indifferent to the lack of portable devices.  He does have email, which he uses some to communicate with friends and teachers, and he does sometime text to arrange to get together with friends -- not yet as a means of communicating/discussing outside that.  And the kids use chromebooks in his school at school.  So he has access to tech, but limits on both time and type.

I'd just take the Kindles away either 100% (if you want to do that -- you could donate them to a place that can use them) or to set them aside except for "special occasions" (for example, days the kids are home sick from school, if applicable).  Either way, I'd tell your sister what you're doing so that she is aware that you, not she, decides what your kids get access to and when -- not clear if she was trying to circumvent your house rules or not, but certainly not OK to do so.

I have zero worries that my kid won't acquire the tech skills he needs to participate in the modern world, and will gradually between now and when he graduates high school let him take responsibility for setting his own limits, but he doesn't need to be doing that as a tween (though I am in fact already starting to move in that direction, with the existing devices listed.  A nice thing about denying access to portable tech is that it eliminates the possibility of tech being used anywhere other than in the house, so when we are out and about, on road trips, etc., it's just -- not there). 

(I'm in a blended family and also have step grandkids who are younger but get much more access to tech at their parents' home.  When they are here, we tell them that we observe different rules in our household and that our house rules apply when they are in our house.  I state this calmly as a matter of fact about both tech and non-tech issues where we and their parents have adopted different approaches, and it's a total non-issue.  They know we mean it and will not be upset if they are upset, we will even empathize but won't change policy, and thus -- it's not worth complaining...).

[AMandM]

Dang - I'm truly surprised at the answers you've received. Is this really the 21st Century?

Why for heaven's sakes would one object to a tablet so kids can read books incl. books from the library, play games and watch movies?

Here are some possible reasons:
1) Because a tablet is not necessary for any of those activities.
2) Because a tablet brings with it a lot of other possible activities, many of them deeply dangerous and destructive to children, many of them accessible to children either by accident or design, making the risk/benefit analysis negative.
3) Because giving children personal electronic devices tends to draw them away from the actual world around them, which reduces their understanding of it. Virtual reality and games cannot give kids the tangible understanding of what a tree is, how objects move through space, how much force you can exert with your own body; if anything, the kinds of actions that are possible in games distort understanding.
4) Because giving children personal electronic devices tends to draw them away from the flesh-and-blood people around them, which reduced their understanding of human nature. They need to learn to feel others' point of view, and they need to learn solid, healthy ways of relating to people and communicating in real reality before they can do so effectively online.
5) Because screens are crack, and the convenience and attractiveness of crack can be more than children or parents are ready to resist.

Frankly, I'm shocked at some of the answers you've received.
Children need all the advantages of whatever century they are born in, to hold them back artificially should be considered a crime and certainly represents a missed parental obligation.

This is highly debatable on many points. Tablets may or may not be a net advantage, and advantages are almost by definition not needs. Controlling how and when children are exposed to technology is not holding them back artificially. It's arguably in fact a parental obligation.

I'm not quite a parent of a pre-teen, since my youngest is 15. I guess you would regard me as a criminal, because none of my kids (or my husband or I) has ever had a tablet, except one daughter who won one in a contest when she was in college. None of us has ever had a handheld game. We have a family smartphone that's used mainly for texting relatives or if someone travels, and the kids get their own phones when they finish high school. 

Lest you fear we are troglodytes, we all surf the web, do email/FB/IG, share photos, blog, play computer games, etc. But we go online on computers in public areas of the house.

[katscratch]

The vast majority of my coworkers also think it's a crime my son didn't learn to ice skate and join sportsball teams year-round when we moved here 18 years ago. He's doing just fine in life in spite of everyone else's opinions. His lack of technology exposure in formative years hasn't kept him from teaching himself programming and his pending degree in biomedical engineering apparently wasn't harmed by not using social media or watching TV.

It's weird, almost like different things work for different families.

[pbkmaine]

Why not just use them as ereaders and load them up with free books? There are a ton of classics on Project Gutenberg, for instance.

[honeybbq]

I'll chime in with a similar story. My mother gave my 5 year old (now 7 year old) daughter her old ipad when she upgraded. Similarly, while we are not anti-technology, we do try to limit screen time. I think in the long run it's been a good thing to have though it took awhile to feel that way.

1. It's a special occasion device. Long road or car trips, or when home sick, or when mom and dad need to do something collectively and not be disturbed. It's not just a toy they get to select to use whenever they want. Sometimes we use it for her for quiet downtime when we need a rest, but WE decide when she uses it.
2. You can put good educational software on it (download, whatever). My daughter now can beat her teachers at school at chess because of one of the learn-chess apps we downloaded and she plays. We still play 1 on 1 sometimes, but she does like the "no pressure" situation that playing AI can bring. There are lots of other games that encourage thinking- backgammon, etc. Even strategy games or learn-to-read games that are targeted for kids.
3. We also downloaded/shortcut youtube yoga, gonoodle, and other indoor exercise programs. We live where the weather can be quite nasty for long parts of the year, and getting enough exercise is sometimes a challenge. She likes the variety of new programs that she can find that encourage healthy bodies.
4. E book reader. We have a library connection and can download e books all the time. We prefer REAL books, but when traveling, it can be easier than hauling along a bunch of library books.

So, at the end of the day we are happy we have it, though it is not something we initially were happy with receiving. I think you can make it work for your family in the way you want with a little effort, should you choose to do so.
 

[mm1970]

I honestly wonder how many people commenting here are actually raising pre-teen children.

I’m very concerned about the technology and the addictive behaviors that come with it.  But, as I stated above, these tablets are just how kids (at least, upper middle class kids, communicate).  If you’re not raising kids it’s easy to show up on this thread and say that tablets are bad and commend the OP.  But as someone with a son turning 10 in two months, I do think not giving him the technology would be a huge disadvantage.  It’s on me and my spouse to limit the time spent and make sure he’s not viewing inappropriate things.

I grew up in the 80s/90s as well.  I was lucky in that there were two boys in my grade on my street.  My son doesn’t have that luxury, as there are no boys in his grade in the entire subdivision.  Also, it’s 9 fucking degrees outside.  He’s playing games on his Nintendo Switch and iPad with kids in his class today.  All I’m saying is there is a very real social cost of having your kids NEVER use these devices.  If you think it’s the right parenting decision, more power to you.  Just know that your kid will pay a price socially in today’s world - that’s just the reality.

Also, it’s easy to look at the bad stuff with the technology and justify a ban in your home.  Yes, my son plays Fortnite sometimes and it’s hard to get him off of it.  But, he also watches educational videos from PBS, checks out ebooks from the library, learns foreign language, and is learning coding.  Plus he’s able to call his grandparents whenever he wants.

There's some really good stuff here and everywhere else.  Like anything, it's a balance.

I live in a beautiful place where kids can be outside all of the time, really.  But my kids still have technology.

Parents have a good reason to be worried - there are plenty of studies that show the detrimental effects of too much screen time on kids.  (Then again, I grew up watching a metric ton of TV, far more than they recommend today.  Also played outside a lot and read a lot of books.)

So the longest you can hold out, the better.  We held out until age 6.5 with the first, which means not at all with the second.  My 1st grader's friends who are the oldest or the only, I tell them to hold off! 

But it's hard. It's a holiday for the school but not for the parents.  So I'm working from home this morning, and electronics are a time and work-saver. We make rules, and we try different techniques - like 30 min on, 30 min off, etc.   

I worry but I'm also realistic.  A certain % of school is already on the iPad in 1st grade.  They also have math and reading programs for school on the iPad that he can do from home.  It's set up like a game and it is at least partially responsible for his 3rd grade reading level.

For my 7th grader?  All of it.  His assignments, his homework, his reading.  The only things NOT on the iPad are the  math homework (sometimes) and the AR books that they read for points.  Of course MY job is 100% on the computer too.

As an aside, I was not a fan of the Nintendo switch when we got it, but it has allowed my tween to play with friends and interact in a way that he wouldn't be able to normally.  One of his good friends is down the street BUT he's introverted, doesn't like to leave the house much, and is hard to pin down.  Planning play dates is impossible and though we are all fine with just "showing up" the last time it happened his mom wasn't happy.  Other friends aren't always nearby. 

That said, now that we are out of the trenches of super young children - we have been getting better at family stuff. On the weekends, walks, bike rides, trips to the pool.  Games.  Reading.  Homework. Legos.  They now help us cook dinner once/ week each, and they fold their own laundry.

Someone else mentioned "lazy parenting" but that's just utter bullshit.  I was a kid in the 70s/80s.  I was allowed to run outside with my brother through the woods for hours.  At a very young age.  My kids can't do that here.  My parents didn't entertain me at ALL and we were left to our own devices, completely.  Which means we fought a lot and in the winter, watched a bunch of TV.

[CNM]

I have a 6 year old and I probably wouldn't let him use the Kindle until he got older.  Not because of a fear of screens or technology, but I think he'd break it almost immediately! 

I was surprised that beginning in kindergarten, the schools where I live use computer-based assessments.  Meaning, our kid is evaluated on his letter recognition, numbers, etc. via a computer system.  He did terribly at first as he had never used a mouse before.  Now that he's in the 1st grade, a great deal of homework is done online.  It is just the way things are.Our children will need to use computers.

I'd become concerned if my kid ONLY wanted to spend time playing online games or using a computer.  But that's not the case so I'm not worried about it.  He's much more interested in other things.

[Car Jack]

People don't think and/or don't know or just don't have a clue.

My mother in law bought herself a new cell phone, so pulled the sim card and gave it to one of my sons as a gift for nothing when he was maybe 7.  So I'm watching TV, minding my own business and my son comes flying up the stairs and hands me the phone.  I take it.  It's the 911 operator.  All cell phones are able to dial 911 without a provider and without a sim card.  That phone made its way directly into the trash and the mother in law was asked to not give our kids anything without clearing it with us.

[Dicey]

A lot has been written on this topic. Here's a random grab from google:

https://www.wvgazettemail.com/life/mind-your-manners-always-receive-a-gift-with-gratitude/article_4ecb4526-6bf5-5ef5-8f90-fd752280ced8.html

Nowhere do I see gratitude from the OP.

[Dicey]

People don't think and/or don't know or just don't have a clue.

My mother in law bought herself a new cell phone, so pulled the sim card and gave it to one of my sons as a gift for nothing when he was maybe 7.  So I'm watching TV, minding my own business and my son comes flying up the stairs and hands me the phone.  I take it.  It's the 911 operator.  All cell phones are able to dial 911 without a provider and without a sim card.  That phone made its way directly into the trash and the mother in law was asked to not give our kids anything without clearing it with us.

Wow, you didn't actually throw it in the actual trash did you? You disposed of it responsibly, right?

[ReadySetMillionaire]

I just have to say that I hate it when people automatically judge parents who pull out a device during dinner at a restaurant.  We have taken our kids to  restaurants many, many times in their short lives. 95% it's just us interacting as a family. 5% of the time we've had a crappy day or we're exhausted, etc, and want a few mintues of peace that we know will not come during that meal. Fwiw, we have kids who rarely use a tablet or smart phone, outside of school.

If you have no idea what those families are going through, let's give the judgment a rest.

I don't have any kids yet (one on the way in March), so sorry if I struck a chord and for my post being judgmental.  I know it's hard being a parent and not any approach is perfect

That said, my dad had a rule, which I fully intend to apply: if my kids can't get their shit together and act appropriately in a public place, it's time to get up and leave.

[EricEng]

If you (not just OP, but all anti screen responses) want to raise computer illiterate kids and hurt their future job prospects, by all means be a Luddite.  We have these miracle devices that put all of human knowledge in the palm of your hand, but we would rather continue to stare at the back of the cave wall.  Take advantage of kids curiosity and give them the tools to learn.  If you block avenues for curiosity, it just stifles the desire.

Yes, they can be used for good or bad and preschool is probably early.  Everything in moderation with supervision.  Their future will depend on that tech even more than it does now for us.

[ketchup]

If you (not just OP, but all anti screen responses) want to raise computer illiterate kids and hurt their future job prospects, by all means be a Luddite.  We have these miracle devices that put all of human knowledge in the palm of your hand, but we would rather continue to stare at the back of the cave wall.  Take advantage of kids curiosity and give them the tools to learn.  If you block avenues for curiosity, it just stifles the desire.

Yes, they can be used for good or bad and preschool is probably early.  Everything in moderation with supervision.  Their future will depend on that tech even more than it does now for us.

Generation tablet is incredibly computer illiterate already, at least compared to those 5-10 years older.  The peak of median intuitive computer competency is now roughly age 25-45, and aging.  Some current college grads now barely know what files are, or what saving something to the H drive means.  I'm only 27, and this is very bizarre to witness.

[Laura33]

That said, my dad had a rule, which I fully intend to apply: if my kids can't get their shit together and act appropriately in a public place, it's time to get up and leave.

Pretty sure we all did. . . before the kids arrived.*  Children are most excellent at subverting all of your best-laid plans and turning the strongest idealist into a pragmatist.  ;-)  I will never forget the old guy who repeatedly complimented me on how well-behaved my son was on the airplane, how much he appreciated all the work I was putting into raising him to have manners and self-control and all of this stuff.  And all I could think was "gee, good thing you weren't on the flight out," when said angel child was a complete demon, despite my much-more-significant-and-completely-exhausting parenting efforts.  Kids are really, really good at imparting a little humility over how much control you actually have -- not to mention empathy for other parents' efforts.

OP:  I am sorry your sister was either disrespectful or clueless.  You have every right to be annoyed, and every right to raise your kids with or without whatever technology you choose. 

At the same time, technology is just a tool, and as such, it can be used for good or evil.  I'd recommend you look at it in that light and figure out if there is a way you can use the gift that is consistent with your values and beliefs.  E.g., speaking as a mom of two voracious readers, I am thrilled that when we travel now, we just have to carry a couple of little screens instead of the 20+ books the kids would otherwise try to pile into their suitcases (and then likely forget somewhere and trigger library fines).

[Spoken as a former Luddite, btw, whose parents severely limited screens.  But DH had other ideas and views, and when I saw the kinds of things our kids were actually doing and learning, I had to get over myself a little bit.  Still don't like screens and devices much, but they do have their uses -- and the familarity was definitely a bonus when they got to school-age.]

*I do feel compelled to note for the record that I have repeatedly left places as soon as the kid acted up, taken turns eating dinner while the other dealt with the tantrum outside, etc.  But it just doesn't always work.  And if you see your kid spiraling up because they're starving and the food is taking forever, and you can avoid a tantrum for the 10 minutes it takes the food to arrive with a pretty-shiny electronic gizmo, I am all for that. 

[J Boogie]

Children need all the advantages of whatever century they are born in, to hold them back artificially should be considered a crime and certainly represents a missed parental obligation.

Are you not familiar with the well-covered phenomenon of Silicon Valley parents sending their children to schools that intentionally eschew screens?

One of the greatest advantages you can give a child in today's world is to grow up without an addiction.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/17/well/family/is-your-child-a-phone-addict.html

Long story short, 50% of teens self report as feeling addicted, and 78% check their devices at least hourly. Holy shit.

I don't blame any parent for going the simple route of no tech, rather than coming up with a complicated plan that is statistically quite likely to fail to prevent smartphone addiction. It's not like the parents of these teens just didn't try. They probably tried and started somewhere healthy and little by little were overpowered by the genius engineers of the attention economy.

I have a toddler. I get the appeal of technology. It sure helps when adult things need to get done and no one is available to engage in play. But it very quickly gets to a point where screens stop serving the family and start endangering our self-control and intentionality. We're humans - we are not unlimited sources of willpower. It's much easier to eat healthy if you don't have a pantry full of irresistible treats.

[Just Joe]

Does anyone here run free OpenDNS or similar on your router in an effort to slow your children's exposure to some of the more risque parts of the internet?

We went through the unannounced tablet gift with child#1 too. Turned out okay b/c the tablet was incapable of much being a tablet sold on its sale price more than anything else. It was a wakeup notice though that DW and I needed to design a family tech strategy. Phones were delayed until their 1st teen birthday. Before that if they needed to take a phone with them they could take my PAYG phone which worked well as a phone and not much else.

After the tablet gift, the same relatives bought our kids a space intensive inside gift when our small house lacked the space for it. Oh boy!

[mm1970]

Children need all the advantages of whatever century they are born in, to hold them back artificially should be considered a crime and certainly represents a missed parental obligation.

Are you not familiar with the well-covered phenomenon of Silicon Valley parents sending their children to schools that intentionally eschew screens?

One of the greatest advantages you can give a child in today's world is to grow up without an addiction.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/17/well/family/is-your-child-a-phone-addict.html

Long story short, 50% of teens self report as feeling addicted, and 78% check their devices at least hourly. Holy shit.

I don't blame any parent for going the simple route of no tech, rather than coming up with a complicated plan that is statistically quite likely to fail to prevent smartphone addiction. It's not like the parents of these teens just didn't try. They probably tried and started somewhere healthy and little by little were overpowered by the genius engineers of the attention economy.

I have a toddler. I get the appeal of technology. It sure helps when adult things need to get done and no one is available to engage in play. But it very quickly gets to a point where screens stop serving the family and start endangering our self-control and intentionality. We're humans - we are not unlimited sources of willpower. It's much easier to eat healthy if you don't have a pantry full of irresistible treats.

Oh I see this kind of reaction in my kids occasionally.  I have an almost-tween and we keep a close eye.  I told him to get off the video games one day last week and he FREAKED out on me.  But what I didn't know (and what he didn't tell me till he calmed down), was that he'd been home for 4 hours, and had spent 3 doing his homework.  So he'd only been on the device for about 20 mins and his friend had just joined.

With the phones, the schools here are pretty strict (can only be used for certain times).  I feel "lucky" to have a boy.  Rather than have his phone confiscated (where your parents have to come to the office to pick it up) - he just doesn't take his phone to school.  Most of my friends with girls would never let that fly.  If their kids are walking home, they want them to have a phone.  I don't worry so much about him walking home - though mostly he bums a ride on the 2 days we don't pick him up.