This is not epic, nor is it a full story (yet). But if it becomes those things it will involve FU money, so I am posting it anyway.
My manager and the higher-ups want to introduce <NewFormalProcess> for something we regularly need to do (details don't matter). The process is actually something I agree with. Most of the actual work within the process will have to be done by me and a few others on the same level as me (and we are actually already doing it, except there is no formal process). Open question is how fast we should be able to do this process. Since I am currently already doing this work, I like to believe that I have a very reasonable idea about how long it takes. I am usually a reasonable person, unless someone pisses me off.
I suggested one week.
His reaction: No, that is much too slow, we need to be faster. Like one or two days.
Me: There is no way we can do that reliably. Maybe in some trivial cases, but most of the time, the process requires coordination and discussion between a few people. And these people have a lot on their plates already. It can easily take a few days to hash this sort of thing out between all relevant persons.
Manager: You can just call a meeting at the same day with all relevant persons and discuss it then.
Me: No, we can't. Many people have very full schedules (you know, just like you). And also other work to do.
Manager: You can always call a same-day meeting. Just do it at 6pm.
Me: [speechless for a moment]. Most people leave long before 6pm. And I certainly don't want to work so late. If it's very rarely, ok. But even then, it needs to be planned, so not same-day. Many people (like me...) have private obligations.
Manager: We can force you to. We can order you to do overtime [note: saying this ("force", "order") is totally out-of-character for the guy].
Me: [now I am pissed] First, no, you can't. [1]
Me: And second, do you remember how we talked about problems with employee retention recently? I can tell you now that this won't help.
Me: And besides, it is definitely not usual that <Process> would even need to be completed within one week. Usually, we know about it at least roughly multiple weeks in advance. In all cases that I know where somethign sprang on us "suddenly", it was always because somebody (I am looking at you, higher-ups...) actually already knew about it but failed to pass it on in a timely manner.
The discussion continued a little but it became clear that we would not agree. We postponed it and will discuss it with all involved persons to also get their opinion.
[1]
This answer left him speechless for a moment. It has multiple levels (which I did not discuss with him):
First, legally, he can't force me to do overtime since my contract does not mention it and that means that he cannot demand it.
More importantly, he can't force me, because that is one thing that will surely make me quit on his ass (or maybe just ignore the demand and dare him to fire me -- a labor court would probably not look kindly on an employer who tries to force a father to work overtime, despite no contractual obligation. And while said father would actually have to pick his kid up from daycare).
This is actually the very first time that something at work made my mind jump to the "FU Money" concept, so it maybe sort of fits in here.
Let's see how it plays out. Whatever happens, FU money has already worked. I am definitely not worried about the outcome.