Engagement Ring

[wageslave23]

Here is a quick, albeit somewhat condescending overview that can get the discussion going:

https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/welcome-to-the-forum/it's-here!-the-2019-william-sonoma-hater's-guide!/?action=post;last_msg=2520581

Moissioninte is awesome. It was discovered from a meteorite. It is twice as refractive and tougher (albeit not as hard) as a diamond.

You can still spend money on her to "show her that you love her". We bought a Moissionite and traveled Europe for 6 weeks on the difference in cost between that and a real diamond ($500 vs $5000).

My (then) girlfriend was, as yours appears to be, more worried about what others thought than actually getting a diamond. She just likes things that are sparkly. We determined that she could just say it was a diamond to those few people who asked that she didn't care to explain to. Turns out, no one even really asks!

She might be on board with that idea, she definitely likes to travel.

[wageslave23]

One thing to consider:  The weight of a gemstone is proportional to the cube of the diameter, and the price of the stone goes up must faster than the weight.  For example, a 0.5ct diamond is only about 20% smaller than a 1ct stone, and costs 70%+ less, all else being equal.

I agree with other posters who suggest going ring shopping with to-be-DW, avoiding malls, buying used, etc.  IMO, it is absolutely critical that the two of you get on the same page in terms of what style or price of ring you get.  DW-to-be may have an expectation of "wageslave needs to spend $xxx on a ring for me," in which case you overspend on a smaller rock, or you bargain hunt and get a bigger rock, but spend the same number of dollars either way.  OR, DW-to-be may have a specific style or size in mind that happens to cost $xxx, and you may be able to find it for $xxx/2 and she'd be ok with it.

Either way, I think the two of you need to sit down (or go out) and you need to get a specific idea of what is expected and what is acceptable.

FWIW, my DW's engagement ring has a .33ct and two .1ct diamonds in a setting I designed myself (and a jeweler made).  She appreciated the custom nature of it more than the size of the stones.  Her roommate went ring shopping with me to make sure I understood what DW-to-be wanted.  We were in college, so "number of months' salary" would have been a laughable thing.

Interesting about the weight to diameter ratio.  Yeah, definitely need to do some ring shopping with her to get a better idea.  I think we both like the romanticism of surprising her with a ring.  But in reality, there are too many variables.

[Metalcat]

One thing to consider:  The weight of a gemstone is proportional to the cube of the diameter, and the price of the stone goes up must faster than the weight.  For example, a 0.5ct diamond is only about 20% smaller than a 1ct stone, and costs 70%+ less, all else being equal.

I agree with other posters who suggest going ring shopping with to-be-DW, avoiding malls, buying used, etc.  IMO, it is absolutely critical that the two of you get on the same page in terms of what style or price of ring you get.  DW-to-be may have an expectation of "wageslave needs to spend $xxx on a ring for me," in which case you overspend on a smaller rock, or you bargain hunt and get a bigger rock, but spend the same number of dollars either way.  OR, DW-to-be may have a specific style or size in mind that happens to cost $xxx, and you may be able to find it for $xxx/2 and she'd be ok with it.

Either way, I think the two of you need to sit down (or go out) and you need to get a specific idea of what is expected and what is acceptable.

FWIW, my DW's engagement ring has a .33ct and two .1ct diamonds in a setting I designed myself (and a jeweler made).  She appreciated the custom nature of it more than the size of the stones.  Her roommate went ring shopping with me to make sure I understood what DW-to-be wanted.  We were in college, so "number of months' salary" would have been a laughable thing.

Interesting about the weight to diameter ratio.  Yeah, definitely need to do some ring shopping with her to get a better idea.  I think we both like the romanticism of surprising her with a ring.  But in reality, there are too many variables.

On the flip side, there's absolutely nothing romantic about wasting money.

What is very romantic?
Making responsible financial decisions together.

[iris lily]

I think moissonite is cool and sparkly. The few I have seen in a store looked different from a diamond, to my eyes anyway. And they do vary, just like diamonds vary.

I wouldn't represent a moissy as a diamond nor even as a diamond substitute—it is its own thing. Stand up and be proud to have a sparkly modern thing!

[StashingAway]

Here is a quick, albeit somewhat condescending overview that can get the discussion going:

https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/welcome-to-the-forum/it's-here!-the-2019-william-sonoma-hater's-guide!/?action=post;last_msg=2520581

Moissioninte is awesome. It was discovered from a meteorite. It is twice as refractive and tougher (albeit not as hard) as a diamond.

You can still spend money on her to "show her that you love her". We bought a Moissionite and traveled Europe for 6 weeks on the difference in cost between that and a real diamond ($500 vs $5000).

My (then) girlfriend was, as yours appears to be, more worried about what others thought than actually getting a diamond. She just likes things that are sparkly. We determined that she could just say it was a diamond to those few people who asked that she didn't care to explain to. Turns out, no one even really asks!

She might be on board with that idea, she definitely likes to travel.

And the bonus is now she has an album full of picture memories that she looks at more than she wears her ring, especially if you count the ones hung on our walls.

Everyone's different; some people really like diamonds. If she'll get $6K of happiness out of it, that might be the way to go.

But if she's hasn't really sat down and worked through the alternatives, which is something that mustachians tend to do more often, then perhaps she only likes diamonds because it's the societal default (noting that societal default is to work until you're 62). The thing to think about is maximizing your happiness-per-dollar. Using "2 month rule of thumb" things are always weird  for things like this. What about the CEOs who have $1 salary? Do they buy a ring worth twenty cents? What about a football player who makes a few million, but over the course of only 5 years. Because their lifetime earnings are front-loaded, they get screwed over by having a higher monthly salary... it's just all so arbitrary.

[Junglebot]

This likely won’t be popular, but shop at all the fancy places and definitely know what she likes. Then peruse local pawn shops until you find the perfect ring. My then fiancé did this, and I ended up with a gorgeous ring and we went on a great honeymoon with the savings. Just make sure to get it professionally cleaned (which doesn’t cost much).

She should probably be ok with this approach (not a great idea if she’s superstitious about previous owners), but this worked out great for us, and nobody will ever know the difference.

[Cornel_Westside]

There is no reason to buy a new, mined, diamond. No reason at all to support that evil industry. Get a lab diamond, they're cheaper and better. Or a used diamond. Or a lab sapphire.

If your fiancee really cares a lot about the "rules" of engagement rings in this way (especially since she said 1 month's salary), maybe educate her about what that really entails. If she would be embarrassed by a lab diamond or a smaller diamond but not embarrassed that children were enslaved for her vanity, then that says something. There is literally no reason to buy a new natural diamond.

[iris lily]

...There is literally no reason to buy a new natural diamond.

That is literally untrue.

There may not be reasons you accept as *good* reasons, but there are reasons.

Face punching about engagement rings here is common, so carry on. I happen to think the whole experience of buying a diamond ring from a mall store with two months salary to be not the best method of acquiring an engagement ring, but there are hundreds of variations on the theme

The Canadians claim moral purity with their mined diamonds, so that is one route to a new diamond that may mitigate guilt if one is so inclined.

[wageslave23]

Update:  so I told her that she is going to have to go with me and look at rings so I have an idea of what she wants because there are just too many variables.  She said absolutely not, she wants me to pick it out and trusts my judgment.  So I guess I will do just that.  I'll go pretty traditional and simple and if she doesn't like it - too bad, she dug her own grave🤣

[Metalcat]

Update:  so I told her that she is going to have to go with me and look at rings so I have an idea of what she wants because there are just too many variables.  She said absolutely not, she wants me to pick it out and trusts my judgment.  So I guess I will do just that.  I'll go pretty traditional and simple and if she doesn't like it - too bad, she dug her own grave🤣

Sigh, I remember feeling that way the first time I was engaged when I was really young. It all seemed so important at the time.

Good luck figuring out what she wants.

[wageslave23]

Update:  so I told her that she is going to have to go with me and look at rings so I have an idea of what she wants because there are just too many variables.  She said absolutely not, she wants me to pick it out and trusts my judgment.  So I guess I will do just that.  I'll go pretty traditional and simple and if she doesn't like it - too bad, she dug her own grave🤣

Sigh, I remember feeling that way the first time I was engaged when I was really young. It all seemed so important at the time.

Good luck figuring out what she wants.

Haha, thanks Malkynn!

Although I do kind of understand her sentiment. If the roles were reversed I'd probably say the same thing.  I wouldn't really care what the ring was.  The only tricky part is that I think she doesn't care as long as its within her preconceived parameters and I only have a foggy idea of what those parameters  are.

[Cornel_Westside]

...There is literally no reason to buy a new natural diamond.

That is literally untrue.

There may not be reasons you accept as *good* reasons, but there are reasons.

Face punching about engagement rings here is common, so carry on. I happen to think the whole experience of buying a diamond ring from a mall store with two months salary to be not the best method of acquiring an engagement ring, but there are hundreds of variations on the theme

The Canadians claim moral purity with their mined diamonds, so that is one route to a new diamond that may mitigate guilt if one is so inclined.

Ok, semantically, you're right. I don't think there is any good reason for a new mined diamond. Even if it isn't a blood diamond, it seems wasteful with energy and money. And the consumer who wants both a new mined diamond and a morally acceptable solution is one I'd assume would be attracted to lab grown or used stones, but what do I know? I do know there is no reason from our position of privilege to support an industry that enslaves children. If you do your due diligence and make sure you don't contribute to it, good - I just wanted to make clear that it is a moral decision as well as a social, societal, and economic one.

[iris lily]

...There is literally no reason to buy a new natural diamond.

That is literally untrue.

There may not be reasons you accept as *good* reasons, but there are reasons.

Face punching about engagement rings here is common, so carry on. I happen to think the whole experience of buying a diamond ring from a mall store with two months salary to be not the best method of acquiring an engagement ring, but there are hundreds of variations on the theme

The Canadians claim moral purity with their mined diamonds, so that is one route to a new diamond that may mitigate guilt if one is so inclined.

Ok, semantically, you're right. I don't think there is any good reason for a new mined diamond. Even if it isn't a blood diamond, it seems wasteful with energy and money. And the consumer who wants both a new mined diamond and a morally acceptable solution is one I'd assume would be attracted to lab grown or used stones, but what do I know? I do know there is no reason from our position of privilege to support an industry that enslaves children. If you do your due diligence and make sure you don't contribute to it, good - I just wanted to make clear that it is a moral decision as well as a social, societal, and economic one.

This is a good response!

[StashingAway]

Although I do kind of understand her sentiment. If the roles were reversed I'd probably say the same thing.  I wouldn't really care what the ring was.  The only tricky part is that I think she doesn't care as long as its within her preconceived parameters and I only have a foggy idea of what those parameters  are.

It's not for me to tell other people what's important to them, and everyone is different. I chose to surprise my wife on the ring style and the timing of the proposal, but she was not surprised by the stone type or proposal.

BUT, this is a great opportunity to practice some communication skills. If it were me, I'd prefer to do a bit more digging to see what is important for her. Marriage works best when you're on the same team. If she wants you to surprise her with a ring style that exemplifies your love for her, that sounds fun! Roll with that... but if there are other parameters, you might want to sit down and walk through your concerns. This isn't necessarily a hill to die on, but it's also an important discussion to have... it's about getting on the same page for finances, and it will certainly not be your last conversation about finances! And if it were me, that's how I'd present it. There's no real end "goal" of the conversation other than try to become aware of each others' concerns.

Is is that she's worried that you're not committed if you don't spend enough? Or is it a cultural image that she has of the marriage process? What are her rules and who is making them? Family traditions are more important than ones passed down through TV commercials, for instance. She might just want a good proposal story to tell her friends. A the end of the day, the process isn't just about her, it's about both of you. You're saying yes just as much as she is!

[AccidentialMustache]

Update:  so I told her that she is going to have to go with me and look at rings so I have an idea of what she wants because there are just too many variables.  She said absolutely not, she wants me to pick it out and trusts my judgment.  So I guess I will do just that.  I'll go pretty traditional and simple and if she doesn't like it - too bad, she dug her own grave🤣

This is similar to what led me to *not* give DW a ring at all when I proposed to her. I got her a custom-made sword instead. She was conflicted about the ring thing (wanted one and did not want one all at the same time, plus the conflicts on the ethics of gemstones). As it turns out she was right -- she trusted my judgement and my judgement said "not ring."

YMMV, but if she's given you that opening, its worth considering if a ring is the right answer. Maybe it isn't?

Edit: That all said, you are probably already on the right track. If you pick a ring and give it an honest effort and she rejects it, consider it "a lot cheaper than divorce later" and move on. Sounds callous, but the numbers don't lie when 40% of marriages end in divorce. I would personally also assume that "trusts my judgement" includes how much to spend, and I wouldn't spend 5k. Again, same story -- if she isn't on the same financial page as you better to find out now and fail early.

[StashingAway]

This is similar to what led me to *not* give DW a ring at all when I proposed to her. I got her a custom-made sword instead. She was conflicted about the ring thing (wanted one and did not want one all at the same time, plus the conflicts on the ethics of gemstones). As it turns out she was right -- she trusted my judgement and my judgement said "not ring."

Does she wear her engagement sword to fancy dinners? I hope it came with a scabbard!


... engagement sword is so awesome ...

[AccidentialMustache]

Does she wear her engagement sword to fancy dinners? I hope it came with a scabbard!

No and yes, in that order. They are actually kind of a pain in the ass to wear. You have this hard "tail" hanging off one hip that you don't fully control and are not used to so it is easy to bang it in to everything. Doors, walls, chairs, people, pets, etc.

The law get really picky around swords/knives in weird ways that it isn't about, e.g., guns.

Having said that we aren't particularly the type to go to fancy dinners, so that isn't a huge concern for us. Mostly it sits near her side of the bed in the bedroom and gives her warm fuzzies by existing.

DW does rate the inability to have shown it off while engaged as a downside. That's somewhat less relevant now that the time-while-engaged is approaching 3% of how long we've been married.

[Metalcat]

Although I do kind of understand her sentiment. If the roles were reversed I'd probably say the same thing.  I wouldn't really care what the ring was.  The only tricky part is that I think she doesn't care as long as its within her preconceived parameters and I only have a foggy idea of what those parameters  are.

It's not for me to tell other people what's important to them, and everyone is different. I chose to surprise my wife on the ring style and the timing of the proposal, but she was not surprised by the stone type or proposal.

BUT, this is a great opportunity to practice some communication skills. If it were me, I'd prefer to do a bit more digging to see what is important for her. Marriage works best when you're on the same team. If she wants you to surprise her with a ring style that exemplifies your love for her, that sounds fun! Roll with that... but if there are other parameters, you might want to sit down and walk through your concerns. This isn't necessarily a hill to die on, but it's also an important discussion to have... it's about getting on the same page for finances, and it will certainly not be your last conversation about finances! And if it were me, that's how I'd present it. There's no real end "goal" of the conversation other than try to become aware of each others' concerns.

Is is that she's worried that you're not committed if you don't spend enough? Or is it a cultural image that she has of the marriage process? What are her rules and who is making them? Family traditions are more important than ones passed down through TV commercials, for instance. She might just want a good proposal story to tell her friends. A the end of the day, the process isn't just about her, it's about both of you. You're saying yes just as much as she is!

I absolutely agree with this.

Either she truly is completely laid back about the whole thing and genuinely will love whatever you give her no matter what you choose, or she's got some romantic notion in her head that you will surprise her with a perfect ring.

We don't know her, so it's impossible for us to say.
However, I would ABSOLUTELY find out if she has opinions about vintage/used rings, diamond stimulants, or other gemstones.
You really REALLY don't want to be spending a few thousand on a fake diamond if she hates that idea. You also really don't want to blow excessive thousands on a mined diamond if she doesn't have a strong preference for them.

If you really, genuinely think that she would be thrilled with anything, then it seems very silly to waste thousands on a piece of jewelry that doesn't really matter to her that much.

If it's the far more likely scenario that she doesn't want to help pick it out because that takes away from the magic and fantasy of it all...

...well, then in my personal opinion, of having been engaged a few times, this is the perfect opportunity to have your first challenging couples finance conversation.

This is a huge sum of money that you are looking to spend. If she has expectations and preferences, she needs to be able to voice them to you.

Being able to discuss important financial decisions is far more romantic than having your boyfriend read your mind and magically surprise you with exactly the style and size of ring that you want.

Or, you could just throw money at the problem, buy her a 1+CT round, brilliant stone with a high quality cut, a good colour, and a decent clarity rating, set in a 4 prong white gold setting, and you will probably be fine because that's the style the vast, overwhelming majority of women want and get.

But that's several thousand more than you *need* to spend to get a large, stunning ring, and it's thousands that then can't be put toward her dress, the wedding, your honeymoon, etc, etc.

And that's what this whole place is about. Not wasting money unnecessarily.

If what she really wants is a large, natural diamond ring and you are happy to pay for it, then cool. However, it's borderline nuts to spend that kind of money on an unethical item that will lose 80-90% of its value the moment you buy it unless it's what you've both decided *together* is the best use of that money.

For that money, if she likes moissanite, you could buy her a large ring, earrings, a necklace, and a bracelet.

Just sayin'

[KBecks]

Also check out Whiteflash. 

[Cassie]

Pawn shops are great places to get a quality diamond and then you have it put into any setting she wants. I have been married 3x’s and it was important to me to pick it out. I wear it everyday. The first 2 were modest because we were young and that’s what we could afford.  The last time was 20 years ago and I got a.75 marquis with high clarity. It was 6k and worth every penny.

[iris lily]

Pawn shops are great places to get a quality diamond and then you have it put into any setting she wants. I have been married 3x’s and it was important to me to pick it out. I wear it everyday. The first 2 were modest because we were young and that’s what we could afford.  The last time was 20 years ago and I got a.75 marquis with high clarity. It was 6k and worth every penny.

Of COURSE you have a marquis! You are my age!

We ladies of a certain age all have the requisite marquis. And I love mine as well, a solitaire in yellow gold.

 About ten years ago I bought my ring a present, a white gold enhancer that slips over it for a modern look.  So sometimes I wear it with the enhancer,  sometimes without.

I think today’s young women are missing out on the ease of having yellow gold jewelry. It requires zero maintenance. With white gold and with platinum, if you want to maintain a shiny look you have to take it to a jeweler for regular dipping or polishing.

But me with my low expectations, I dont do any of that for my white gold or platinum ring. They always look fine to me.   My platinum ring is a family ring, it’s been around for more than 100 years and when my mom gave it to me it was not shiny. I never knew that platinum actually could get shiny. I didn’t know that it could be polished. I thought it always looked more or less like pewter Until my friend suggested I get it polished and see the difference.

[Mtngrl]

Kudos to you for wanting to please her. And some people are more into jewelry than others.
That said, we married 40 years ago this month. We were broke, so went with simple gold wedding bands, and said we'd get the diamond ring later, when we had the money. But when that time came, I wasn't really interested. My plain gold band means more to me and it's no fuss. (His gold band broke years ago, now he wears one of those cheap silicone rings. It works for him.)

[KBecks]

Another option is to check out the cheap but nice CZ rings at Berricle and get an inexpensive placeholder, then shop for a "real" ring with her if you want to.

If she has Pinterest, see if you can find out if she has any ring inspiration pin boards.

Good luck!

[zolotiyeruki]

Malkynn knocks it out of the park, once again.

...well, then in my personal opinion, of having been engaged a few times, this is the perfect opportunity to have your first challenging couples finance conversation.

This is a huge sum of money that you are looking to spend. If she has expectations and preferences, she needs to be able to voice them to you.

Being able to discuss important financial decisions is far more romantic than having your boyfriend read your mind and magically surprise you with exactly the style and size of ring that you want.

...although I'm not quite sure what a "diamond stimulant" is :P

[TomTX]

My wife never wears the very nice, white, high clarity diamond engagement ring.

She does wear the (lab grown) white sapphire that I set myself into a sterling ring. Total cost about 2% of the diamond engagement ring.

[Metalcat]

Malkynn knocks it out of the park, once again.

...well, then in my personal opinion, of having been engaged a few times, this is the perfect opportunity to have your first challenging couples finance conversation.

This is a huge sum of money that you are looking to spend. If she has expectations and preferences, she needs to be able to voice them to you.

Being able to discuss important financial decisions is far more romantic than having your boyfriend read your mind and magically surprise you with exactly the style and size of ring that you want.

...although I'm not quite sure what a "diamond stimulant" is :P

Lol, damn autocorrect

[iris lily]

Another option is to check out the cheap but nice CZ rings at Berricle and get an inexpensive placeholder, then shop for a "real" ring with her if you want to.

If she has Pinterest, see if you can find out if she has any ring inspiration pin boards.

Good luck!

 I always think this is a good idea, but in this case the OP’s girlfriend has indicated what she wants in one regard, and it is for HIM to pick out the ring.

She has been clear about that and he should respect her stated desire since she is so open about ring specifics.

[Metalcat]

OMG, so I suppose that this is only tangentially related to the thread, but after I posted here and had googled a few things about diamond alternatives, this ad for fake diamond rings kept popping up on my FB.

I...uh...can't really put into words why the website is so...um...interesting.

Just go check it out.
The rings are cubic zirconia; the website is pretty high quality, and the company is real, but...again...I can't really describe it.
Just go check it out, scroll all the way down and read the content. I'll just wait here shaking my head wondering what the fuck I just read?

https://www.sateur.com/ring/

[norajean]

If you are in IL I would take her to the jewelry mart in Chicago for a day and look at as many stones as you can. You should be able to find a jeweler you trust as well.

There are many wonderful gems in the world, but diamonds are quite common and boring (aside from colored varieties) and overpriced. Make sure you look at a wide selection of gemstones.

[iris lily]

OMG, so I suppose that this is only tangentially related to the thread, but after I posted here and had googled a few things about diamond alternatives, this ad for fake diamond rings kept popping up on my FB.

I...uh...can't really put into words why the website is so...um...interesting.

Just go check it out.
The rings are cubic zirconia; the website is pretty high quality, and the company is real, but...again...I can't really describe it.
Just go check it out, scroll all the way down and read the content. I'll just wait here shaking my head wondering what the fuck I just read?

https://www.sateur.com/ring/

I looked at that site. Whoah. So they think a DJ Trump satire sells their product? Funny!

I read a fair amount of stuff on their website, lots and lots of words, lots of words! and I don’t know the chemical make up of the stones they’re selling. And the stones are not set in gold because the prices are too low.

This is a Canadian company located in Arizona? Or something like that.

Entire thing is sketchy.

[AMandM]

I looked at that site. Whoah. So they think a DJ Trump satire sells their product? Funny!
[...]
Entire thing is sketchy.

From the website:
"The Satéur brand references Donald and Kim because both world leaders mirror the ideals shared by Satéur. Our products are affordable compared to what’s out there in the market and these representatives were too."

The way I read this, they are bragging that their product is cheap and trashy.

I'm totally put off from the very first, anyway, because their stupid name is not a word that would really exist in French.

[rachael talcott]

I make jewelry as a hobby, and so follow various online / FB groups where people post photos of their creations.  There are some insanely talented people out there that could custom make you a ring. You could have the setting made custom and have a stone of your choosing set locally.

If you're looking to buy a diamond online, look for GIA certification.  They are known for providing an honest evaluation of the quality of the stone, and they laser engrave a serial number on the girdle of the stone that you can verify from their website. I'm sure there are others, but here is an online shop that offers GIA certified loose diamonds: https://www.adiamor.com.  It looks like they offer good-quality 1.5 carat diamonds for roughly $6500.  That's a pretty good price.

[Metalcat]

OMG, so I suppose that this is only tangentially related to the thread, but after I posted here and had googled a few things about diamond alternatives, this ad for fake diamond rings kept popping up on my FB.

I...uh...can't really put into words why the website is so...um...interesting.

Just go check it out.
The rings are cubic zirconia; the website is pretty high quality, and the company is real, but...again...I can't really describe it.
Just go check it out, scroll all the way down and read the content. I'll just wait here shaking my head wondering what the fuck I just read?

https://www.sateur.com/ring/

I looked at that site. Whoah. So they think a DJ Trump satire sells their product? Funny!

I read a fair amount of stuff on their website, lots and lots of words, lots of words! and I don’t know the chemical make up of the stones they’re selling. And the stones are not set in gold because the prices are too low.

This is a Canadian company located in Arizona? Or something like that.

Entire thing is sketchy.

I just still can't quite wrap my brain around that site being real. It's so insane.

[K_in_the_kitchen]

One thing I didn't necessarily see mentioned is that over time, what the OP's potential fiancé may want to wear could change.

My husband and I picked out an engagement ring together. We were young and broke, and it took 10 months "same as cash" to pay for that 1/4 carat solitaire. We were so naive we paid too much at a mall store to get it, and I can only be thankful we didn't get talked into something more expensive. I wore that ring for 25 years, until we replaced it with a huge (2.37 CT), gorgeous antique diamond ring. We wanted to buy used, had the money, and were willing to go lower in color to get something beautiful. It's lovely, and really, it hasn't sidetracked us financially. It's a little blip, and we don't take expensive vacations, still live in our starter house, share one car between three adults, and more.

That antique ring needed some refurbishment in 2014, and to have the work done by a qualified jeweler (paid for by the jeweler who sold it to us) meant I was without it for a few months. Rather than going back to my original diamond (the shank is so thin it could break at any moment), we purchased a heavy antique 22K gold wedding band, and it was a complete revelation. I never realized the freedom my husband had by choosing a plain band our entire marriage. I can wear it 24/7 without worrying about showering, swimming, cooking, etc. I don't have to take it off to knead dough or shape pizza. I don't have to worry about banging my hand against something and cracking the stone. I feel so much safer when I walk. I also realized the large ring is a barrier between me and other people, and left me afraid to talk to those less fortunate. Now I walk happily and don't have to think about an expensive diamond on my hand when the homeless downtown want to pet my dogs.

The gold band cost under $300 (prices vary on eBay but I can still find similar bands under $500). I've realized I could have been happy with that band, and only that band, for all of my marriage. To be fair, my 18 year old engaged self wanted the engagement ring, but then again my 18 year old self didn't have a fully developed brain and was just going along with common cultural practices. By age 25, I would have already known better than to choose an engagement ring based on other people's expectations, and wouldn't have been willing to go into debt for it (or to take away from other financial goals).

I know people who've chosen to use the money that might have gone toward an engagement ring (or expensive wedding and honeymoon) to make a downpayment on a house, pay off student loans, buy a car, and more. I hope my own sons choose partners who aren't attached to the idea of an expensive engagement ring.

[partgypsy]

One thing I didn't necessarily see mentioned is that over time, what the OP's potential fiancé may want to wear could change.

My husband and I picked out an engagement ring together. We were young and broke, and it took 10 months "same as cash" to pay for that 1/4 carat solitaire. We were so naive we paid too much at a mall store to get it, and I can only be thankful we didn't get talked into something more expensive. I wore that ring for 25 years, until we replaced it with a huge (2.37 CT), gorgeous antique diamond ring. We wanted to buy used, had the money, and were willing to go lower in color to get something beautiful. It's lovely, and really, it hasn't sidetracked us financially. It's a little blip, and we don't take expensive vacations, still live in our starter house, share one car between three adults, and more.

That antique ring needed some refurbishment in 2014, and to have the work done by a qualified jeweler (paid for by the jeweler who sold it to us) meant I was without it for a few months. Rather than going back to my original diamond (the shank is so thin it could break at any moment), we purchased a heavy antique 22K gold wedding band, and it was a complete revelation. I never realized the freedom my husband had by choosing a plain band our entire marriage. I can wear it 24/7 without worrying about showering, swimming, cooking, etc. I don't have to take it off to knead dough or shape pizza. I don't have to worry about banging my hand against something and cracking the stone. I feel so much safer when I walk. I also realized the large ring is a barrier between me and other people, and left me afraid to talk to those less fortunate. Now I walk happily and don't have to think about an expensive diamond on my hand when the homeless downtown want to pet my dogs.

The gold band cost under $300 (prices vary on eBay but I can still find similar bands under $500). I've realized I could have been happy with that band, and only that band, for all of my marriage. To be fair, my 18 year old engaged self wanted the engagement ring, but then again my 18 year old self didn't have a fully developed brain and was just going along with common cultural practices. By age 25, I would have already known better than to choose an engagement ring based on other people's expectations, and wouldn't have been willing to go into debt for it (or to take away from other financial goals).

I know people who've chosen to use the money that might have gone toward an engagement ring (or expensive wedding and honeymoon) to make a downpayment on a house, pay off student loans, buy a car, and more. I hope my own sons choose partners who aren't attached to the idea of an expensive engagement ring.

I know very much how you feel. But sometimes people have to "live it" before they understand it.

[El Gringo]

I got my wife this set of engagement and wedding rings for $170 off of Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/listing/233509568/one-of-our-best-sellers-bridal-ring-set?ref=yr_purchases. It's a synthetic diamond. I made sure she was ok with a synthetic diamond before I purchased. She knew we were getting engaged and when, but not how. And if I recall, she knew the final ring I was picking out. She's like half-mustachian and thought it was silly to spend thousands of dollars on a diamond. She was totally happy with the ring I got her. We've had so many people comment on how nice it looks, without even knowing it was not a real diamond. In addition to not having to spend a ton of money on it, it's also nice after-the-fact, because she can wear it whenever she goes out of the house and doesn't have to worry about losing a crazy expensive piece of jewelry.

[Jouer]

oh, oh. I forgot to mention to ask her closest friends what she might like. They may have had these kinds of discussions so they may know what style she likes. My wife's best friend actually had a file to send me when I asked her. She sent me a picture of the desired style. The ring I got didn't match perfectly but it was in the right family at least.

To me this counts as figuring it out yourself as you were smart enough to ask the experts (her friends).

[StashingAway]

I got my wife this set of engagement and wedding rings for $170 off of Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/listing/233509568/one-of-our-best-sellers-bridal-ring-set?ref=yr_purchases. It's a synthetic diamond. I made sure she was ok with a synthetic diamond before I purchased. She knew we were getting engaged and when, but not how. And if I recall, she knew the final ring I was picking out. She's like half-mustachian and thought it was silly to spend thousands of dollars on a diamond. She was totally happy with the ring I got her. We've had so many people comment on how nice it looks, without even knowing it was not a real diamond. In addition to not having to spend a ton of money on it, it's also nice after-the-fact, because she can wear it whenever she goes out of the house and doesn't have to worry about losing a crazy expensive piece of jewelry.

I'm going to be a bit pedantic here, but that's not a synthetic diamond. That's a Cubic Zirconium- a completely different kind of stone. A synthetic diamond is a lab-made diamond which chemically indistinguishable from a mined diamond.

[TomTX]

That antique ring needed some refurbishment in 2014, and to have the work done by a qualified jeweler (paid for by the jeweler who sold it to us) meant I was without it for a few months. Rather than going back to my original diamond (the shank is so thin it could break at any moment), we purchased a heavy antique 22K gold wedding band, and it was a complete revelation. I never realized the freedom my husband had by choosing a plain band our entire marriage. I can wear it 24/7 without worrying about showering, swimming, cooking, etc. I don't have to take it off to knead dough or shape pizza. I don't have to worry about banging my hand against something and cracking the stone. I feel so much safer when I walk. I also realized the large ring is a barrier between me and other people, and left me afraid to talk to those less fortunate. Now I walk happily and don't have to think about an expensive diamond on my hand when the homeless downtown want to pet my dogs.

Similar to the process when we exchanged tungsten carbide 20th anniversary bands. While it was a very expensive material initially, you can get them for $20ish on Amazon, and they're near indestructible. No worrying about the fancy engraved gold band any longer.

[El Gringo]

I'm going to be a bit pedantic here, but that's not a synthetic diamond. That's a Cubic Zirconium- a completely different kind of stone. A synthetic diamond is a lab-made diamond which chemically indistinguishable from a mined diamond.

Hm. Well, I guess I just assumed synthetic and artificial were interchangeable terms. *shrugs.* Whatever - we were both happy with what we got, which is my point!

[Cassie]

You can have both. I have a plain gold band to go with my beautiful engagement ring. I wear it a lot but not for things like camping. It really depends if you love rings or not. We are all different. 

[partgypsy]

In addition to the 1.36 diamond for 4900 (great deal) on loupe troop there is an 0.89 e si1 diamond, in ideal cut range for 2900. I think this is a very good compromise. You are getting what she has asked for (beautiful high quality natural diamond) but not paying the mark up to hit the carat mark. Plus preloved is more affordable. a 4 or 6 prong platinum solitaire is the most iconic style (but will set you back another 700 plus setting costs). If u go this way I can't imagine her being unhappy (high quality in all aspects) https://loupetroop.com/listings/rings-natural-diamond-center/ags-0-dot-89-e-si1-gorgeous-diamond-ring   I know, I know this is not the most economical. But the op knows his gf the best.

[StashingAway]

I'm going to be a bit pedantic here, but that's not a synthetic diamond. That's a Cubic Zirconium- a completely different kind of stone. A synthetic diamond is a lab-made diamond which chemically indistinguishable from a mined diamond.

Hm. Well, I guess I just assumed synthetic and artificial were interchangeable terms. *shrugs.* Whatever - we were both happy with what we got, which is my point!

lol, like I said, it is a pedantic point. Simulated diamond is also accurate for your ring ;)

[wageslave23]

In addition to the 1.36 diamond for 4900 (great deal) on loupe troop there is an 0.89 e si1 diamond, in ideal cut range for 2900. I think this is a very good compromise. You are getting what she has asked for (beautiful high quality natural diamond) but not paying the mark up to hit the carat mark. Plus preloved is more affordable. a 4 or 6 prong platinum solitaire is the most iconic style (but will set you back another 700 plus setting costs). If u go this way I can't imagine her being unhappy (high quality in all aspects) https://loupetroop.com/listings/rings-natural-diamond-center/ags-0-dot-89-e-si1-gorgeous-diamond-ring   I know, I know this is not the most economical. But the op knows his gf the best.

Thanks Partgypsy.

[Dicey]

Short answer: Costco.

More words later.

[wageslave23]

Short answer: Costco.

More words later.

Funny, she actually mentioned that they have engagement rings.

[partgypsy]

Thanks. I hope you have fun figuring it all out, and I'm hoping she's not expecting it for NYE!

[wageslave23]

Thanks. I hope you have fun figuring it all out, and I'm hoping she's not expecting it for NYE!

Haha, I told her that I'm not proposing during the holidays so she wouldn't be expecting it.

[dcarroll]

Get Moissanite! It's so much cheaper and you can get a loose stone and custom fit it to your precious metal of choice at a quality local jeweler. I've had my non-diamond for 7 years and love it.

[Raenia]

oh, oh. I forgot to mention to ask her closest friends what she might like. They may have had these kinds of discussions so they may know what style she likes. My wife's best friend actually had a file to send me when I asked her. She sent me a picture of the desired style. The ring I got didn't match perfectly but it was in the right family at least.

To me this counts as figuring it out yourself as you were smart enough to ask the experts (her friends).

+1  I was coming to ask if she had a sister who you could swear to secrecy as your partner-in-crime.  A sister or close friend may have a good idea of her style and may understand her expectations better.

I also second the notion of asking your family, or even her family if you're close to any of them.  My DH proposed with a ring he got from his grandmother, and it was really a wonderful feeling to know that his whole family endorsed me joining the family by trusting me with their heirloom.  My sister's husband proposed with our grandmother's ring, which he got by contacting our mom and asking.  So he knew he had our family's endorsement before he proposed.  Not quite as old-fashioned as asking her father for permission, but still romantic to have family approval.