Thank you for your advice about getting her a physical. My BIL made her an appointment with one of her specialists and took off from work so he could accompany her...he was furious when she canceled the appointment the night before. We are talking about a very stubborn person, who even when her memory was good didn't much care about the convenience of others when she wanted something. That's one thing that will make this whole process so hard. She hasn't been to a doctor in years. As far as the car, if the kids took away the keys, she'd just go buy another car. She has the cash to do it. She likes to do what my BIL calls "joy ride," meaning she gets bored at home and goes out driving wherever she feels like it. She has been lost at least twice and called a friend to come and get her.
Over the years, she came thisclose several times to moving to a more suitable place, even having put down deposits which she took back within a day or so. She has also had a lot of trouble making decisions and sticking to them.
I have a feeling this is not going to end well.
Great work finding the $4000 place,
@coppertop!
I became my Dad's guardian after his dementia diagnosis, which was later recognized as Alzheimer's. He was stubborn, though not as much as your MIL, and intermittently quite profane. Once he was in assisted living, I was called "asshole" and "controlling asshole" repeatedly in between questions like "When am I getting out of this jail?" or, in more peaceful moments, "When am I getting out of the hotel?"
(As an aside: I learned to view this as the weather obscuring the underlying landscape of care and bonding that was in process, and considered that when I was a baby/ small child, my parents probably found me to be a pain in the rear at times. Nonetheless they grew closer by caring for me, and the same thing happened as I cared for Dad.)
Consider following the physical with a memory test / mental acuity assessment by a psychiatrist or similar professional recognized by your state's courts as qualified to determine an adult's mental competence. Based on my limited experience, which will defer to relevant experts:
1. you (meaning, "your family - BIL, sis, you yourself, etc") will not achieve control over her affairs unless a court says so.
2. The court won't say so unless a relevant expert (in my state, the psychiatrist, after a 3 hour memory assessment) establishes that she cannot handle her own affairs.
3. This doesn't happen by magic. When you have your evidence together, if she resists, you unfortunately have to petition the court to be named guardian (or whatever the similar procedure is in your state).
4. Unless there is a power of attorney naming one of the children to be in charge in the event of her incapacity, a professional rather than a family member could be appointed in charge
5. If she or her lawyer persuades the court ya'll are grasping sickos who can't be trusted, more likely a court appoints a professional
6. If she admits or you present persuasive evidence of trustworthy caring and competence on the family's part, that increases likelihood of you being the guardian instead of a pro
7. Pros get paid by her estate (her own money, which she loses control of) so in some states there are vultures who file for guardianship, persuade the court the family are untrustworthy, and succeed in cutting off family from even contacting the person while draining the victim's funds
8. Preventing 5 and 7 suggests that if you can get her to sign POA ahead of time, so that you instead of "the court" will take care of her "someday in case a doctor says someone needs to take care of you", you will be better off; after the POA is set up you are then in good position to initiate the mental capacity assessment.
9. Starting now, I suggest keeping a well documented record of all incidents in which she has difficulty functioning - she's lost, fails to implement a plan, etc. This should come in handy in court, but also as a reference to discuss with psychiatrist, lawyer, etc.
10. There are good summaries out there of how dementia progresses. Both these and summaries of common end-of-life patterns were extremely helpful to my sister and I. We were a team even though the paperwork was usually in my name. Take charge if needed but work with all support available, it's precious.
Don't take my advice, get advice relevant to your state by consulting elder care agencies, specialized attorneys, maybe experienced elder-focused social workers, support groups, etc. Remember support groups and agencies can help you while you help MIL. Also Google power of attorney procedures for your state. Learn fast and work together because the clock is ticking.
PS. The poster upthread who said to use the medical workup to sort out possible dementia causes gave you gold, and I hope one of these remediable causes can be addressed, solving the problem. My list above is just to give a framework for addressing the worst (though very possible!) case: progressive dementia that really does require that someone else manage her affairs.