Different focus in life

[sebi13]

I wanted to post in the Off-Topic section, but I somehow can't create a thread there.

I just had an epiphany, which looks rather obvious in retrospect. Most people are excited for something in life*. Different people obviously focus on different things. Story time: I have 2 colleagues at work who seem to really make work their #1 priority, they are working long hours and also talk mainly about work. Especially in this forum with many people trying to leave the rat race, this might seem negative, but I'm not so sure. It's definitely nothing for me, but they seem pretty happy, get a lot of stuff done and they look like they are enjoying their life quite a bit.
Different example: I joined a rowing club a few weeks ago, and there are also quite a few people who seem to have made rowing their #1 priority (starting work really early, such that they have time for rowing in the afternoon; going rowing 4+ times/week; making many rowing weekend trips, spending new years eve together, ...).

I never really thought about this on such a high level. I somehow floated through life, doing whatever was (figuratively) in front of me. In case anyone is interested: I acquired quite a few hobbies in the last months (rowing, tennis, acroyoga, network admin for 300+ people; penetration tester for a startup, via ferrata with friends) in addition to my older ones (boy scout leader, race biking, running, reading, layout our local municipal magazine, ...). I'm not sure what the preferred approach is: Focusing on a single hobbit (as done by many rowing friends) or keeping the diverse set of hobbies. I just noticed that I'm mainly talking about 'hobbies' but I guess you could generalize this term to 'life focus'.

I'm curious: Have you thought about this before? What's your take on this topic?


* at least in my small, little bubble -- which I know I'm very lucky to live in an amazing country and have all basics met

[NorthernIkigai]

I just finished Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, which had been recommended here and elsewhere. It was a great (if a little philosophical for middle aged, dumbed down me, I think was better at this stuff as a young student), and stressed that everyone will have their own life focus and it *needs* to be an individual one that springs out of that person's whole life experience, personality, situation, etc. As he offered different categories of life focus, I assume a combination of these is also possible.

I don't think there's a preferred approach as such. I'm exhausted just reading your list of hobbies! :-D On the other hand, having just a single hobby (or hobbit...) sounds a bit risky: what if I love skydiving and then can't physically do it anymore? I've previously had hobbies that I really considered to be part of my identity, but then somehow just stopped doing, whereas others have stuck around even at the busiest of times. There are several old and new hobbies I hope to take up (again) when my kids are a bit older. I don't think my identity or interests are static -- we change as our lives evolve.

[Dreamer40]

I’ve never been the type to hold one primary interest long term. I get bored and like doing a variety of stuff. But probably not as much as the OP. A lot of downtime to hang out seems to be my preference. This has made a career really miserable for me and what led me to pursue FIRE. I can’t even imagine getting another degree and throwing myself into a new professional field the way I did when I was young. I don’t want to be boxed into something again, even if it’s something I feel interested in at the moment. I have some interests I’ve held long term and keep coming back to (reading, gardening, cooking, learning languages). But I still don’t like doing them all day or every day. I actually wish I could be more single minded about something. It feels like it would be easier.

[Metalcat]

I'm not sure I entirely understand the question.

Some people get hyperfocused on specific things and some don't.
Also, it's actually VERY difficult to assess if people are actually happy from the outside. So I wouldn't worry too much about that.

Are you feeling like you should have something that you fixate on? That you're missing out??

I've had years where I was passionately dedicated to my work or projects and I've had the past year where I've just noodled around for most of it. I was pretty happy doing both.

I'm a happy person who makes the most of everything.

[wageslave23]

Being hyper focused on one thing could be a sign of pathology.  Healthy and intelligent people are curious and constantly learning, growing, and adapting.  Being stuck on rowing all day every day does not sound healthy to me.  Your brain naturally wants to seek out novel stimuli.  Its like the equivalent of doing arm curls at the gym everyday to the exclusion of all other exercises and muscle groups.  A good workout for your brain is the same as a good workout for you muscles, there should be variety.  Find stuff you like to do and do it when you feel like it.  When you get sick of it, then take a break from it for a while.  Unless you are trying to be the next Tiger Woods or Michael Jordan (who don't seem to be the most emotionally and psychologically healthy individuals), have balance and enjoy your free time.

[Cool Friend]

I've been the opposite of you, Sebi. I've found it very difficult to dabble in anything. When I get interested in A Thing, I hyperfocus and become obsessed, for example when I wanted to learn to cook more than basic bachelor chow, I became obsessed with practicing every technique I could, learning how to use every ingredient I could, collecting every spice and herb I could, etc etc. It can feel like a "superpower" because you can learn so much with that level of attention and can develop a deeper understanding of The Thing than if you were just dabbling.

But it does have a serious drawback, like wageslave said, which is that it's an unbalanced way to live. Did you ever see that movie "Whiplash?" There's a scene where the student drummer is on a date, but all he can talk about is jazz and drumming, and she's visibly bored by how one-dimensional he appears to her. I have been this person! Another drawback is if you're not careful, you can become totally burned out and lose all interest in The Thing. There are hobbies I used to love that I can no longer even think about doing, and that's a bummer. I didn't realize this was a pattern for me until recently, and I'm trying to strive for better balance by trying things with no aspiration to "master" them (not that I can say I'm a master of anything haha). I don't regret my obsessions, but they've also caused me a lot of grief.

It might be fun for you to try to focus on one of your hobbies to see how you feel about dedicating yourself to one thing, like rowing with your hardcore rowing friends. But also, don't sweat it too much. You might learn that it's too narrow and confining for you, and there's nothing wrong with that.

[dblaace]

Sounds like the difference between goal driven and value driven.

[Loren Ver]

I think like most things in life, this is one of those things that is person dependent, you are seeing it in the examples here and I see it between my self and DH.   

I am a generalist.  I like to dabble in lots of stuff but have no interest in becoming better than okay at most things (few exceptions: finances and job requirements being notable - both for secondary reasons).  I just don't feel the drive.  I really do like knowing a little bit about a lot of things though.  Just enough to be dangerous :).

DH on the other hand picks things up and gets really good at them.  He generally works at them for about ten years then switches to the next thing.  It is a fascinating cycle.  Right now that thing is welding scrap metal art.  He spends hours a day outside designing, building, and welding his art.  A lot of mental time and energy is spent sourcing materials, organizing, and planning.  Before welding it was wood working.  It is how he spends the majority of his waking time, especially since he had to teach (and is still teaching) himself.

[honeybbq]

As I triathlete, I know many people who are all IRONMAN all the time. And their lives revolve around training and races. The spouses refer to themselves as Ironman widows/widowers.

I prefer a diverse approach with seasonal hobbies and a little bit of this and that. Of course, family comes first.

[lhamo]

Barbera Sher distinguishes between "scanners" (people who pursue a lot of different interests/activities at one time) and "divers" (people who prefer to focus intensely on one thing.  Neither is better or worse than the other, just different.

https://www.getmotivation.com/motivationblog/2017/04/barbara-sher-scanner/

What feels right to you?

[Steeze]

Personally, I am a person who focuses in and obsesses about one hobby, and I have always admired people who had many hobbies. The downside for being super focused, like others have said, is that those hobbies can be taken away. Others fade away for one reason or another. The upside is you get really good at things.

I was really focused on skateboarding and snowboarding most my life - eventually due to illness and injury I could no longer do these high impact sports at the level or frequency I was used to and enjoyed. I went through a period of depression, felt like my life was missing something. I took up weight lifting and again, eventually stopped due to the same injury that prevented snowboarding. More recently I got super into rock climbing, but broke my arm skateboarding and can not rock climb for the last year.

Other times in my life I was really focused on BMX, billiards, video games - and now do not do any of those.

Each time these hobbies go away it seems like a major change in my life, like a chapter is closing, a season ending. Eventually something will come along and replace what ever it was, and that feeling will go away. I will look back and miss doing the things, and miss the people I did them with. I still hope to still do those things again, all of them, in some capacity at some point in the future.

All that to say - maybe diversification in hobbies and interests can 'smooth out the ride'

[RainyDay]

Seems very personality-driven.  I have a few specific interests/hobbies and have for a long time.  My SO, on the other hand, switches hyper-focus frequently.  Sometimes he focuses on one thing for a few months (ex: the Great Mushroom-Growing Phase of 2020) and others are years-long (like becoming a certified car mechanic for nearly every type of car/engine/what-have-you). 

As others have mentioned, if you have just one or two interests and then can't do that one thing anymore (or lose interest in it), it leaves a "gap" of sorts.  Aside from losing part of your identity, you can also lose friendships or drift away from those people who are still very interested in that activity.  This is where I am right now... I owned horses and rode for a long time, and most of my friends are horse people.  Now that I've sold the horses, we have less in common.  Plus, while I can and do ride their horses, it's not the ONLY thing I want to do, but it IS the only thing they want to do!