Coping with anti-Mustachian attitudes

[AnnaGrowsAMustache]

I'm fairly new to this Mustachian club, but I've been frugal for a long time. I don't make a fortune but my car is small, reliable and has been paid off for many years, I don't have any debt, I spend less than I earn and I don't take on on-going costs if at all possible. However, I'm the disappointment of the family because of my "small" style of living, and I'm definitely the poor cousin amongst my friends. They make a lot more than me but they don't even have the basics - no debt, an employer matched retirement fund and savings. How do you cope with people who think it's amusingly quaint to shop second hand, even though it's a blast finding great and CHEAP treasures now and again? How do you cope with people who laugh at your funny little car (a 10 year old Corolla ffs), or the fact you cook from scratch? What do you say to people who make comments like "we must get you out of your tiny cave" about your perfectly reasonably sized rental??? They treat me like I have some sort of intellectual disability, quite honestly, and this from people on 6 figures in their forties with ZERO retirement plan!

[pbkmaine]

Cultivate smugness. It works great. The other day I heard a woman tell her husband that window treatments would cost a minimum of $1,000 per window. I thought about the ones I made for less than $2 and smiled.

For your car, smile and say: "It's paid for!"
For your rental, smile and say: "It's exactly what I want!"
For thrift shopping, smile and say: "It's terrific fun!"

[GuitarStv]

Don't say anything.  Just try to feel some empathy and pity for people who are ruled by the idea that happiness can only be attained by spending money.

[AnnaGrowsAMustache]

I should add that I only work 3 days a week at 45 years old, which is more than enough to cover my expenses including savings. This is a sign of complete financial irresponsibility, apparently. I use the rest of my time on a side hustle that I enjoy - upcycling and reselling. I CAN make more than I would working the rest of the week in an office, but that's not really the point. I only do it because I like it.

I recently got the comment 'I wouldn't take financial advice from YOU!' when I suggested that perhaps a friend should enrol in an employer matched retirement scheme. I guess that's the reason for this thread.

[Spiffsome]

There are a variety of strategies that you can use. You may want to change strategy based on each situation you encounter.

1. Lean into it. I discovered this one accidentally when my aunt said to me, "You've put on weight!" The first thing out of my mouth was a cheery, "Thank you!" If you act like the things that they're commenting on are totally normal and even good things to have, some folks will follow suit or at least not bug you about them because you're not reacting with shame or anger.

2. Find reasons for what you're doing other than saving money. Gardening is fun and healthy. Cooking is creative and enjoyable. Brewing is interesting in itself. Lots of Mustachian hobbies are also pursued by people who have no intention of retiring early. Some people who are afraid that you're depriving yourself for no reason will relax when you can show them with your enthusiasm that you're having a good time.

3. Talk about the things you do spend money on. My parents relaxed significantly about our otherwise frugal ways after we went on an overseas holiday. I think it was a sign to them that we weren't depriving ourselves because of a compulsive need to save, but rather prioritising the things that we really wanted.

Some people will crap on you for not spending money because they're assholes. But some will worry about you because the Ebenezer Scrooge stereotype exists for a reason - it is quite possible to lower your quality of life and miss out on important things by becoming obsessed with saving cash. Displaying your happiness and enthusiasm about the things that you are doing will help with both groups. Hopefully you can make the jump from 'poor cousin' to 'weird/hippy/creative cousin'.

Re your last post: I'm sorry you're catching flak from people around you. It really makes no sense, because you ARE doing something income-producing with your spare time.

[Sydneystache]

They're feeling inadequate, insecure and probably slightly envious of you.

I wouldn't take their comments to heart. You know your own situation, and they're struggling with their consumerist lifestyles. That's their problem, not yours.

[WildJager]

Embrace it, and laugh off the haters.  You know something they don't.  It looks strange and crazy to them, but you know why you're doing what you do. 

Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can accomplish what others can't.

[Mac_MacGyver]

Why do you care? Teach the curious but most people really don't care about retirement until they are getting close, teach by example.

[ObviouslyNotAGolfer]

I'm fairly new to this Mustachian club, but I've been frugal for a long time. I don't make a fortune but my car is small, reliable and has been paid off for many years, I don't have any debt, I spend less than I earn and I don't take on on-going costs if at all possible. However, I'm the disappointment of the family because of my "small" style of living, and I'm definitely the poor cousin amongst my friends. They make a lot more than me but they don't even have the basics - no debt, an employer matched retirement fund and savings. How do you cope with people who think it's amusingly quaint to shop second hand, even though it's a blast finding great and CHEAP treasures now and again? How do you cope with people who laugh at your funny little car (a 10 year old Corolla ffs), or the fact you cook from scratch? What do you say to people who make comments like "we must get you out of your tiny cave" about your perfectly reasonably sized rental??? They treat me like I have some sort of intellectual disability, quite honestly, and this from people on 6 figures in their forties with ZERO retirement plan!

I suggest you visit your doctor if you are having a problem deploying your middle finger. ;-)

Seriously, it might be time to re-evaluate the amount of time you spend around such "friends" who make no attempt to understand you, and insist on hurling sly insults on a regular basis.

[AnnaGrowsAMustache]

I suggest you visit your doctor if you are having a problem deploying your middle finger. ;-)

Seriously, it might be time to re-evaluate the amount of time you spend around such "friends" who make no attempt to understand you, and insist on hurling sly insults on a regular basis.

While you are probably right, it's not quite that easy with family and very old friends. I don't think they even know they're doing it, quite honestly. We've managed to get to the point where everyone knows they'll always get a homemade gift, and I'll always request hardware store vouchers if asked, but I suspect that's as far as it will ever get. I've even been told recently that selecting a property to buy partially based on what will be cheap to run now and functional when I'm 80 (ie small, one story, walk in shower, flat section etc) is "wishing my life away". It's depressing knowing that I'm related to morons.

[Sydneystache]

It's depressing knowing that I'm related to morons.

You gotta visit the "Relatives who don't get it" thread.

Sometimes it's better to laugh than cry and be miserable about people to whom you are related.

[EnjoyIt]

For years my family thought I was "cheap." They even tried coaxing my wife into spending more. Her response was always "we have everything we want and need." Which is really true.  If we feel like we need something, we wait until we have enough money to buy it, and if we still need/want it, we purchase it.  Often times that waiting period shows that item is really not that needed and the money is used for something else that we intact need or get invested at Vanguard. After a few years my family realized that we are very happy with our life and stopped bothering us.

As for your situation, there is a fine line between frugal and cheap. It is frugal to not get an alcoholic beverage when at a restaurant. It is cheap to take home all the sugar packets before you leave.  If you are frugal and happy, your family will eventually notice if indeed you are happy and showing it.  If you are cheap, then maybe it is worth looking within.

[vern]

Please understand Anna, that If people aren't teasing you or making fun of your frugal ways you're doing something wrong!

Keep at it and don't let it bother you.

[Bee21]

I tend to frame things from an environmentalist perspective. It is more chic to be a tree hugging greenie than cheap. Try that approach next time you feel cornered.

I am fairly easy going around spendy people, but I tend to be aggressive if they try to put me down or belittle me. My favourite is about the house. Once I told the owner of a 750k mortgage who made a sneaky remark about my location and the fact that we don't have a spare bedroom, that 'see these bricks darling? I own every one of them. I don't pay rent to the bank for my mansion in x'. Ha.

I simply suggest to avoid the topic of money altogether. That is the safest. Have a few safe conversation topics and whenever lifestyle comes up, just change the conversation to the latest book you read, film you saw,  craft projects or whatever you are passionate about. Def don't give financial advice.

I am quite sensible with money but we have a few luxuries (a boat and international travel), so people are always confused about our finances, but frankly, it is none of their business. I am also very comfortable with my lifestyle and have no car/house/boat/bag envy. I think this is the key.love what you have and they can't make you feel inferior.

Mind you, I find my cheapskate friends who carry on endlessly about money and their bargains and how careful they are with money, and how they would never pay x for y almost as annoying as the spendypants people. I am very careful not to become one of those obnoxious, holier than thou frugal people.

I also hate tacky homemade presents. If you are really good at something, sure, share your creations. But giving badly made stuff is just wrong. I have a friend (lives in a mcmansion, drives a mommy 4WD and always mentions what deep discount she got on which luxury item), who gives horrible homemade clothes as presents to my kids.cos she is cheap and loves sewing (but bad at it). She is wasting her time and money making those (and bad for the environment as they go to the bin straight away). I appreciate the good intentions of gift giving, but hate the arrogance associated with gifting those ill made things. No gift is better than a bad gift made with love and all.😃

[Sydneystache]

I agree @bee21. Didn't MMM say all of this was about reducing carbon footprint in the guise of frugality?

Hard to argue against treehuggers and planetlovers 🙂

"Shhh...she's part of that greenie cult."

[Gone_Hiking]

Families can be such bundles of joy, I swear (cue the theatrical eye roll here)

I will second and third what other posters recommended.  Commiserate with the naysayers politely.  They might be feeling sorry - but they are probably envious, particularly when you mention the "fully paid for" part. 

[AnnaGrowsAMustache]

Mind you, I find my cheapskate friends who carry on endlessly about money and their bargains and how careful they are with money, and how they would never pay x for y almost as annoying as the spendypants people. I am very careful not to become one of those obnoxious, holier than thou frugal people.

I also hate tacky homemade presents. If you are really good at something, sure, share your creations. But giving badly made stuff is just wrong. I have a friend (lives in a mcmansion, drives a mommy 4WD and always mentions what deep discount she got on which luxury item), who gives horrible homemade clothes as presents to my kids.cos she is cheap and loves sewing (but bad at it). She is wasting her time and money making those (and bad for the environment as they go to the bin straight away). I appreciate the good intentions of gift giving, but hate the arrogance associated with gifting those ill made things. No gift is better than a bad gift made with love and all.😃

Those are two good points
I don't think I'm being holier than thou. I hope I'm not! I generally shut up when the subject of money comes up so that I don't get laughed at, but it's possible that I'm coming across as arrogant? Or smug?

Yes, I agree with the homemade gift thing! I tend to give pantry or freezer items that I've made and that I know people appreciate - jars of chili and coriander salsa, homemade vanilla essence for the bakers. Last year I gave a friend who has a whole tribe of small kids a freezer gift for xmas - dozens and dozens of prebaked plain shortbread cookies in different shapes, plus a box of icing tubes and sprinkles of all varieties. When the kids are bored, she can just pull everything out and entertain them without having to do all the hard work first. She's commented that it's saved her kids lives and her sanity a few times already this year. Another friend who likes crochet I told to pick out something from her crochet filled pinterest account and I would make it for her. And, yes, it was a throw that took weeks. I probably don't get it right all the time, but hopefully more often then not! And if not then I guess they can smile and say thank you the same way I do when I get something I don't like and won't use!

[PDXTabs]

I reply "I like saving money." But I'm an engineer, it's pretty common to see people retire early.

[Bee21]

Those presents sound great. If you enjoy making them, why not.

Homemade presents are so hard. I rarely make them, bc of the time and effort involved. I am the envelope and gift card sort of aunt these days.I once spent 4 hours making bunny bags for the 4 nieces for Easter. They were cute, well received, I enjoyed making them, but boy, they took a long time to make. 4 hours I will never get back making thise bags which were probably discarded shortly after. We rarely calculate the cost of our time, ie if I make x an hour in my day job and it takes me 10 hours to make this throw, it might be better if I just gave a gift card. Esp if the recipient does not really appreciate the present.

Cheer up. Don't let them upset you. Live your best life.

[surfhb]

Just be a dick and say:

".....yeah but I have a lot of money in the bank"

[runewell]

Ask them what's wrong with the car?

[zinnie]

A lot of people touched on this, but my mom always told me that if you explain your decisions confidently people are more likely to accept them. When people criticize you, reaffirm that you are happy with your choices. You prefer to spend less on cars, you feel more secure saving, you enjoy your work schedule, you love cooking your own food.

Also remember that a lot of criticism comes from insecurity...

[mm1970]

I should add that I only work 3 days a week at 45 years old, which is more than enough to cover my expenses including savings. This is a sign of complete financial irresponsibility, apparently. I use the rest of my time on a side hustle that I enjoy - upcycling and reselling. I CAN make more than I would working the rest of the week in an office, but that's not really the point. I only do it because I like it.

I recently got the comment 'I wouldn't take financial advice from YOU!' when I suggested that perhaps a friend should enrol in an employer matched retirement scheme. I guess that's the reason for this thread.

I don't know, it sort of sounds like you need some new friends.

We are of similar age (I'm 46).  I have a wide variety of friends and acquaintances.  I've found that it's simply easier to hang out *more* with people who are like me.

It doesn't mean I don't spend time with my friends who like to spend and have nice things.  I do!  But I also take time to make new friends.

So my regular weekend potlucks are with the thrift-shopping, home-cooking friends who walk, play frisbee, and kick soccer balls around with the kids for fun. They like hiking and the beach and packing up sandwiches.  Their cars are older than my 11 year old Matrix.  In several cases, they live this way because they have to.  They make less money than we do.  But we just have a lot more in common.

I do sometimes miss times with my other friends.  I have friends that we used to camp with a lot, and have over for dinner, and hang out.  But they honestly like to spend more money.  And they have boys and not girls.  So my two sets of friends found each other because of us - and they hang out together now, instead of with us.  Because they all have girls, and they like to go out to eat, and they like to go on nice, more upscale vacations instead of camping.

It does suck growing apart sometimes, but I've found that still seeing my spendy friends, but LESS OFTEN, is what works for me.

[Dicey]

Just be a dick and say:

".....yeah but I have a lot of money in the bank"

Why, exactly, is that being a dick?

Anna, honey, talk to us, not to them. Except to defend yourself if you feel like it. If someone had said they wouldn't take financial advice from me, I'd have politely* said "Why not?" If not exactly enlightening, their answer(s) would make continued fodder for this thread.

*Just kidding, I wouldn't have been polite, but I surely would have posed the challenge.

Also, my family has always teased me for my frugal ways, but I always knew there was admiration underneath, because I was living a good life, not just being frugal or worse, cheap, for its own sake. Now that I'm FIRE, I know who has the last laugh and so do they.

[Giro]

I would shop at thrift stores regardless of my income or savings goals.  The amount of clothing we put in landfills makes my stomach hurt.  Third world countries won't even take our clothing hand-me-downs anymore.  It's a real problem.

I also wouldn't eat in restaurants regardless of my funds.  I like my abs and my good health. 

I like shock and awe responses the best.  When someone makes fun of my thriftiness, I usually tell them I would go shopping but I was busy having sex with my husband or some such obnoxious answer to an obnoxious comment.  That shuts them up in a hurry. 

[Lepetitange3]

Frugality or just legitimate happiness?  As in money won't make you happy, sad dear relative?

I'm sitting here with my latest newborn.  Guess what, the basic human condition is happiness...as long as he's fed, clean, and had sleep, the baby sits and coos happily at any human who spends a minute smiling at him.  Literally, very little is truly "needed" for one to be happy.

I found MMM on maternity leave, everyone here helped me realize I was already FIRE, and I'm not going back.  My well meaning parents have already commented on this.  My job was easy and from home so I never missed the kids, but I didn't like the work.  Why do it.  Oh you'll miss the $$$ when you want to do *insert expensive thing here*  nope I won't.  Life is short, I want to enjoy my children and the other things I love without stress.  Since I don't need the money, why keep pushing for more for the sake of it.

This is what your relatives are telling you, you need more just for the sake of it.  You don't.  Happiness is not the sum of your things. 

[surfhb]

Just be a dick and say:

".....yeah but I have a lot of money in the bank"

Why, exactly, is that being a dick?

Anna, honey, talk to us, not to them. Except to defend yourself if you feel like it. If someone had said they wouldn't take financial advice from me, I'd have politely* said "Why not?" If not exactly enlightening, their answer(s) would make continued fodder for this thread.

*Just kidding, I wouldn't have been polite, but I surely would have posed the challenge.

Also, my family has always teased me for my frugal ways, but I always knew there was admiration underneath, because I was living a good life, not just being frugal or worse, cheap, for its own sake. Now that I'm FIRE, I know who has the last laugh and so do they.

It's a joke.   Haha heehee hoohoo.


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[AnnaGrowsAMustache]

Thanks everyone. Just to be clear, this attitude is coming from family members and friends I've known since childhood. Not so easy to simply spend less time with them. I'm usually pretty confident in what I'm doing, and would tell them so, but I'm having a bit of a moment lately! This blog is such a help. I've been reading the relatives that don't get it thread and having a few laughs, for sure. And I've got a bit of inspiration to do even more - for example, I COULD work more than 3 days a week. The work is there. It's tedious, but it'll help me get where I want to be faster. And I'll still have time for my own sideline if I just pick up another day at work. That day's pay can go straight in the bank, so just get on with it Anna!

[intellectsucks]

These kinds of threads are always really, REALLY shocking to me.  I rarely, if ever, get comments about my lifestyle from friends or family and they always drop the subject after my explanation of whatever they’re commenting on.  If someone routinely kept commenting on my lifestyle choices, I would either flip out on them or just stop being around them.  Don’t people understand that making comments like that is really rude?  Why not just ask the person how they feel about the situation? 
It’s insane to me that there are people who don’t consider this so rude.  At one point a very good friend of mine was renting a house with three other roommates who were much younger.  The house reminded me of the Delta house from Animal House.  The common areas were rarely cleaned, there were constantly lots of people in the house (7-10 or more) and my friend felt the need to install a second lock on the door to her room, but for a few different reasons (one of which was financial), she was happy with it.  Even though I was absolutely APALLED that she was living in that situation at that time in her life, I would never have dreamed of commenting on it to her.
If I were you, I would seriously reassess my relationships with the people who are routinely making these comments.

[WildJager]

These kinds of threads are always really, REALLY shocking to me.  I rarely, if ever, get comments about my lifestyle from friends or family and they always drop the subject after my explanation of whatever they’re commenting on.  If someone routinely kept commenting on my lifestyle choices, I would either flip out on them or just stop being around them.  Don’t people understand that making comments like that is really rude?  Why not just ask the person how they feel about the situation? 
It’s insane to me that there are people who don’t consider this so rude.  At one point a very good friend of mine was renting a house with three other roommates who were much younger.  The house reminded me of the Delta house from Animal House.  The common areas were rarely cleaned, there were constantly lots of people in the house (7-10 or more) and my friend felt the need to install a second lock on the door to her room, but for a few different reasons (one of which was financial), she was happy with it.  Even though I was absolutely APALLED that she was living in that situation at that time in her life, I would never have dreamed of commenting on it to her.
If I were you, I would seriously reassess my relationships with the people who are routinely making these comments.

It depends on the culture you live in.  I get a lot of flak for my lifestyle choices, but it's directly because the people I interact with know I can take it and dish it back.  It's more fun banter than anything.  Eventually it leads to, "You must be a millionaire with how cheap you are.", so my go to response is, "I would be, if I didn't waste it all on hookers and blow.". When people around me stop joking, that's when I'd be concerned.  It's hard to build trust when your peers see you as an outsider that can't take a joke.

For people who are truly being malicious, a simple "go fuck yourself" does just fine.

[nouveauRiche]

Cultivate smugness. It works great. The other day I heard a woman tell her husband that window treatments would cost a minimum of $1,000 per window. I thought about the ones I made for less than $2 and smiled.

For your car, smile and say: "It's paid for!"
For your rental, smile and say: "It's exactly what I want!"
For thrift shopping, smile and say: "It's terrific fun!"

^^ Yes.  This.  I'd say just answer with humor & try to let it roll off your back.  You'll have the last laugh.

I've gotten comments from kids (who were young enough to be genuinely puzzled). 

Q:  Why is your house so small?
My reply: It's just the right size for us.  [It is, actually.]

Q: Why is your phone so small?
My reply:  It's an antique iPhone!

And I have one friend my age who was worried/appalled that I was driving a 15-year-old econo-wagon.  I think he was genuinely worried that we couldn't afford anything "better".  I reassured him that we have plenty of cash & investments & I was driving that car because I like driving a stick.

[Dicey]

Just be a dick and say:

".....yeah but I have a lot of money in the bank"

Why, exactly, is that being a dick?

Anna, honey, talk to us, not to them. Except to defend yourself if you feel like it. If someone had said they wouldn't take financial advice from me, I'd have politely* said "Why not?" If not exactly enlightening, their answer(s) would make continued fodder for this thread.

*Just kidding, I wouldn't have been polite, but I surely would have posed the challenge.

Also, my family has always teased me for my frugal ways, but I always knew there was admiration underneath, because I was living a good life, not just being frugal or worse, cheap, for its own sake. Now that I'm FIRE, I know who has the last laugh and so do they.

It's a joke.   Haha heehee

Perhaps I can be a bit clearer: I think your suggestion is great, not dick-ish at all.

[intellectsucks]

Thanks everyone. Just to be clear, this attitude is coming from family members and friends I've known since childhood. Not so easy to simply spend less time with them. I'm usually pretty confident in what I'm doing, and would tell them so, but I'm having a bit of a moment lately! This blog is such a help. I've been reading the relatives that don't get it thread and having a few laughs, for sure. And I've got a bit of inspiration to do even more - for example, I COULD work more than 3 days a week. The work is there. It's tedious, but it'll help me get where I want to be faster. And I'll still have time for my own sideline if I just pick up another day at work. That day's pay can go straight in the bank, so just get on with it Anna!

If they are consistently putting down how you choose to live your life, then you need to be very stern and clear about which topics are off limits.  Friends and family who are regularly telling you that the home you are comfortable in is "a cave" or whatever else they're saying, need to be told that those comments are not helpful or welcome, and that you'd appreciate it if they didn't bring up that topic anymore.

[AnnaGrowsAMustache]

I just had the funniest conversation with a friend, funny in the context of this thread, anyway.
I've been talking about buying a really nice, good quality, 100% wool, winter weight duvet inner for quite awhile, possibly even years. Every year I've looked at some in the sales and then figured that my few pure wool blankets (passed down from grandmother) were better than spending $2-$300. Anyhoo, a friend just called me to very kindly offer to put a duvet inner of the type I wanted on his cc for me, and I could pay him back with no interest and in whatever installments I can afford. First of all, it's Queens Birthday weekend in NZ and every retailer is offering 60 month interest free, no establishment fee deals and he's putting things on his cc that WILL charge extremely high interest in 6 months. Second of all, I CAN AFFORD TO PAY CASH.

He was being kind, and I have to bear that in mind, but he clearly believes that I don't buy things because I can't.....

Meanwhile, he's just bought (on cc) a new fridge for $6000. What could a $6000 fridge POSSIBLY do to make it worth that much???

[ahoy]

Like 'intellectsucks' above I too find the comments to the OP just plain rude!  Family or friends have no right to tell you how to spend your money.  They possibly feel insecure maybe jealous, I don't know.  But commenting negatively on peoples choices is just rude and should not be acceptable. 

[Lepetitange3]

Hi again, Anna.  So your experience with the 100% wool blanket might be the clue that these people (who yes are definitely being a bit rude) are coming from a place of concern and/or love for you.  They think you're depriving yourself.  I suspect if you share your happiness at being free from having to labor all your days AND your selectivness in terms of purchasing then more than half of these comments will fade away.  You'll still get commentary, of course, because some people just don't understand why you'd want grandma's blankets instead of something shiny and new.  But all the other posters suggestions that you advertise your happiness and satisfaction with what you do have seem to be spot on.

[AnnaGrowsAMustache]

Hi again, Anna.  So your experience with the 100% wool blanket might be the clue that these people (who yes are definitely being a bit rude) are coming from a place of concern and/or love for you.  They think you're depriving yourself.  I suspect if you share your happiness at being free from having to labor all your days AND your selectivness in terms of purchasing then more than half of these comments will fade away.  You'll still get commentary, of course, because some people just don't understand why you'd want grandma's blankets instead of something shiny and new.  But all the other posters suggestions that you advertise your happiness and satisfaction with what you do have seem to be spot on.

Noted! When I declined the offer to buy the duvet, I did explain that I actually have these wool blankets so I'm not at all cold, and that they're actually easier to wash than a duvet inner so I was probably better off with them. And profuse thank yous, of course. I've always kind of kept my mouth shut about money, finance and where I'm at, but I might have to get just a tiny bit more open and even a teensy bit braggy with the rude folk!

[Bee21]

The classic 'why do you ask?' 'What do you mean' goes a long way with rude people. Or radio silence. You know, just a pause and polite but frosty look and silence after a rude remark might do the job. Establish your boundaries. If you don't want pity or rude remarks over your percieved or real poverty and don't want to look like Aunty Scrooge make sure you don't and that you are treated with respect.

Or as I suggested before, just control the conversations better.  Don't talk about money or posessions if this leads to the uncomfortable territory. There are so many other things to discuss which don't involve purchases or possessions.

This might be also an oppotrunity to reassess your image. Why are the others so concerned?  It is great that you are surrounded by (a bit rude but) kind and generous people who are happy to help you.

[Lepetitange3]

Hubby and I are also fans of "what makes you say that" or "why would you say that?" Or "why do you assume that" for repeated bouts of rudeness, money related or otherwise.  It's a touch more aggressive than what Bee is suggesting for those that can't take a hint via normal conversational redirection or more polite methods.  (As in, it's my husbands standard to deploy these against MIL for repeated rude comments re:child rearing)

[the_fixer]

Our Family thinks we are failures :(

Mom recently offered to buy us dinner because it seemed like we have been struggling lately.
Reaction to us moving away from our old wasteful ways of just buying whatever we want whenever we want to saving up for purchases and really focusing on what is important VS just get it all.

Tried to share some advice on buying a house with my sister and she said why would I take advice from you :o 
We sold a big fancy house on acreage last year and now live in a townhouse so we must be failures

Father in law thinks we are in financial straights and has actually stopped mooching off us and paying his own way when we go places.

co-workers have told me they are sorry we had to sell our house and it must be really hard living like we do

Wife has had a few so called friends (think sex in the city types) that have stopped talking to her mysteriously

They will really think we are failures when we are bums living in an RV or boat with no jobs.

I just smile and let them think what they want

[Rife]

People usually adjust over time though I don't have the level of issues you do. I think the best medicine is winning. They may not see it now but will probably clue in when you quit your job to live off the wealth you accumulated. They associate spending with success like many people.

For me it helped that on both sides we were the relatively spendy ones so we get less of a hard time as we become more Mustachian. Our families though still like to point at our vacations as proof we are not as good with money as them even though we save over 60% of our income. Family can just be judgemental both ways though of course my situation is more constructive.

[Psychstache]

Thanks everyone. Just to be clear, this attitude is coming from family members and friends I've known since childhood. Not so easy to simply spend less time with them. I'm usually pretty confident in what I'm doing, and would tell them so, but I'm having a bit of a moment lately! This blog is such a help. I've been reading the relatives that don't get it thread and having a few laughs, for sure. And I've got a bit of inspiration to do even more - for example, I COULD work more than 3 days a week. The work is there. It's tedious, but it'll help me get where I want to be faster. And I'll still have time for my own sideline if I just pick up another day at work. That day's pay can go straight in the bank, so just get on with it Anna!

Just a quick point of order: I think this is bogus. I appreciate that it can be hard, but seniority or common DNA does not give someone a pass to make you feel bad and\or be a dick to you. Obviously the duvet example shows it's not all that in your case, but I've seen many people be mistreated by others under those excuses and it is not okay. Life's too short for that shit.

[davisgang90]

There are many things money can't buy.  Chief among them for me is time.  That is what I crave most from my retirement is the time to do what I want.

[asauer]

First, realize that people are a perfect liberty to be wrong about you and your lifestyle.  Second, live that shit with unabashed joy-  they'll wonder why you're so damn happy.

[nouveauRiche]

Father in law thinks we are in financial straights and has actually stopped mooching off us and paying his own way when we go places.

Unexpected bonus!

[Laura33]

This might be also an oppotrunity to reassess your image. Why are the others so concerned?  It is great that you are surrounded by (a bit rude but) kind and generous people who are happy to help you.

This.  From the friend example, it sounds like they are not necessarily harping on /riding you for choosing to be frugal, but are instead concerned that you are poor and can't afford the things you want.  I think it's worth paying attention to how you chit-chat around them to see if there is something you are doing/saying that is contributing to this impression.  E.g., if you have been mentioning how much you like this duvet over the course of several years, most people would think that the only reason you haven't bought it already is because you can't afford it -- and your friend is actually being nice and trying to help you get something you want.

I mention this because I had to do this myself.  The first vacation I took with my now-DH, we were window shopping, and every time I'd say "oooh, that's cute," he'd say "do you want me to buy it for you?"  I ended up getting really annoyed at him (what, you think I can't afford to buy myself a t-shirt if I really want it?) and had to tell him that I was just making conversation, I didn't want to buy every cute thing I saw, and that if I did actually want him to get me something, I'd tell him!  But the reality was that I grew up in a family that looked and commented as just sort of fun chit-chatting (e.g., "can you believe that fugly hat?"), but almost never bought anything, so I was just chatting; OTOH, he grew up in a family where if you saw something and you liked it, you bought it, so he assumed that I was indirectly asking for things.  Neither of us was right or wrong, we just had different expectations.

If any of this sounds remotely familiar, you might want to start with being a little more open with people and letting them know you're just making conversation, you live without a lot of stuff because you like it that way, and that you are financially in a good place and they don't need to worry about you. 

And THEN if they keep pestering you they're being dicks and you can be as rude as you want. ;-)

[Goldielocks]

Ha,  I was talking with a hairdresser this past week, about a long planned vacation for me this summer, we both have older teenagers, etc.  She mentioned a trip herself, and tickets to see a concert, etc.  That she thought it was okay for her daughter at 20 to travel and spend money now while finding her place in life, etc.

When she was surprised that I was 45 and retired, (she is about 57), she asked how I could do that... My reply  "I have worked like a dog since I was 16"...  (She had too)...   "And I have never been to a concert, drive an older car, haven't been on an overseas vacation..."   "..so I get to do these things now"..

Well, I think she got it.  We all make choices.   

BUT... no good comes from talking about FIRE before you are ready.   I know that I look suspiciously at "youngsters" just starting out that claim they will Fire by 35, to then have kids, but still travel today and all.  So much happens in life.

[trashmanz]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM

[Dicey]

Ha,  I was talking with a hairdresser this past week, about a long planned vacation for me this summer, we both have older teenagers, etc.  She mentioned a trip herself, and tickets to see a concert, etc.  That she thought it was okay for her daughter at 20 to travel and spend money now while finding her place in life, etc.

When she was surprised that I was 45 and retired, (she is about 57), she asked how I could do that... My reply  "I have worked like a dog since I was 16"...  (She had too)...   "And I have never been to a concert, drive an older car, haven't been on an overseas vacation..."   "..so I get to do these things now"..

Well, I think she got it.  We all make choices.   

BUT... no good comes from talking about FIRE before you are ready.   I know that I look suspiciously at "youngsters" just starting out that claim they will Fire by 35, to then have kids, but still travel today and all.  So much happens in life.

I love this answer! I want to add to it, if you don't mind.

IMO, it's important to do some of both. The rest of your life is only a promise, not a guarantee. Smell the rises, size the days etc, just do it like a mustachian. #askmehowiknow