Author Topic: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?  (Read 9520 times)

lifejoy

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Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« on: January 07, 2015, 07:38:23 PM »
The vicious cycle:

I feel bad, so I buy something. I feel good for two seconds, and because buying things does not actually fill the void long term, I'm back at square one and jonesing to buy something again.

Sooo it's great that I can recognize this pattern. But now I feel trapped in this feeling of general malaise because I can't get my fix anymore - I'm saying "no" to the habit of buying to feel better.

Details:

-I'm an ENFJ. Living in a small town, win no friends or family except DH, and -30 (celcius) weather... A lot of alone time, which if you know ENFJs = feeling super depressed.

-I start a second job soon. Hopefully working more will give me less time to dwell.

-I take vitamin D.

-I've started weight lifting at home (for free!).

-Yes, I call and Skype my friends.

-I applied to volunteer at a youth centre but I think my two jobs makes for some scheduling difficulties.

-I'm reading books.

I feel like I'm doing everything right. But I'm tempted to cave and go into my old habits. Checking the mail and finding a new package there makes me feel better, it brightens my day. Help me come up with some new ideas?

TL;DR: I buy stuff when I'm sad. I realize that's not good. How to stop?

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2015, 07:56:59 PM »
Hi Library joy,

I understand the tenancy to buy stuff. For me I think it is an attempt to start something new, or to invigorate myself into doing something. I have found that I get a real kick out of making stuff and fixing things so my way of coping is to try and focus my energy (and some spending too) into doing creative things (i mean making tangible things i need, not artistic creative).

I am also an ENFJ personality. Without people around to discus ideas with I struggle to start things. If your anything like me though you will have pretty strong ideas/visions of things, and at some point you will need to just get on and start doing. I have found in the past that once you start doing something, more people to do it with start coming out of the woodwork.

If the basic cause of buying things is to give you something to look forward to, why don't you book plane tickets and go see people or do things that can get you excited. Being mustachian is not about not doing things. It is about doing the things that make you really happy, and achieving this by being mindful of where you are placing your energy (and dollars). What is keeping you in -30 weather anyway?

lifejoy

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2015, 08:17:06 PM »

Hi Library joy,

I understand the tenancy to buy stuff. For me I think it is an attempt to start something new, or to invigorate myself into doing something. I have found that I get a real kick out of making stuff and fixing things so my way of coping is to try and focus my energy (and some spending too) into doing creative things (i mean making tangible things i need, not artistic creative).

I am also an ENFJ personality. Without people around to discus ideas with I struggle to start things. If your anything like me though you will have pretty strong ideas/visions of things, and at some point you will need to just get on and start doing. I have found in the past that once you start doing something, more people to do it with start coming out of the woodwork.

If the basic cause of buying things is to give you something to look forward to, why don't you book plane tickets and go see people or do things that can get you excited. Being mustachian is not about not doing things. It is about doing the things that make you really happy, and achieving this by being mindful of where you are placing your energy (and dollars). What is keeping you in -30 weather anyway?

Hi! Nice to meet another ENFJ on here! Seems to be not so common.

A project would be good. I do have a trip planned, but I'm in a hair on fire debt emergency situation so escapism isn't a good long term habit ;)

I'm living here for another six months because of DH's job. Makes it all the more tempting to just buy my happiness for the next six months. Ugh. We're moving to a bigger city, close to family and friends, and I am really looking forward to it! I recognize that that is where my happiness really flourishes - around people I love.

What kind of stuff do you make / work on?

tardis

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2015, 08:26:43 PM »
I feel you on the cold weather/long nights/cabin fever feeling.  I find I get the same sort of kick out of making things similar to what libraryjoy describes.  Can you learn how to sew perhaps?  You have the goal of making what you might otherwise buy (if clothing/home decor is one of your vices), but it will take you a hell of a lot longer while also gaining useful skills.  Oragami is another low cost option (if you use wrapping/printer paper) and can be quite challenging.  Learn to draw is another.  I had a classmate whose father worked in Siberia for 6 months in a contract position and was climbing the walls for all the same reasons you are so that's what he did.  He apparently got quite good considering how short a time span that is.

Otherwise, I think your best bets are the stimulus you will get with another job and the volunteering.  Hang in there!
« Last Edit: January 07, 2015, 10:57:04 PM by tardis »

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2015, 09:18:58 PM »
An alternative to buying something would be to use any extra cash or money to pay down credit card or other debts, and later to invest.  Send in a check (yes, I know that is old fashioned), then wait a few days and check your balance online. Rejoice in progress, and gain satisfaction through that rather than a new "thing". And then share your wins here on the MMM forum to help satisfy your "E" needs. (Maybe that doesn't work, but I'm an "I", so take it with a grain of salt....) Good luck!
« Last Edit: January 08, 2015, 01:35:07 AM by Aldercrest »

lifejoy

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #5 on: January 07, 2015, 11:24:09 PM »
Good ideas so far! Keep em coming! Learning a new skill is a great idea. I'm putting morse code and lock-picking on my list (ok so I've been watching a lot of crime shows, haha). Podcasts and cleaning should go on my list, too.

The reason I mention the confidence/consumerism angle is because when I'm around friends and family, I feel good. I feel loved and accepted. When I'm out here on my own (sorta) I get too focused on the external trappings. I don't feel good inside, so I try to feel good on the outside. New shoes, new hair, whatever. I know it's not logical but I'm an emotional beast. I'm trying a new thing where I do push-ups whenever I feel the urge to buy :) Badassity, no?

lizzie

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2015, 04:59:13 AM »
OK, this might seem kind of silly, but if you like getting things in the mail you could sign up for Postcrossing. You register for free and exchange one-off postcards with people all over the world. It isn't free, since you have to send postcards to get them, but it's a pretty cheap way to get fun stuff in your mailbox.

poorboyrichman

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #7 on: January 08, 2015, 05:22:34 AM »
Once you realise buying 'stuff' and experiences doesn't fix anything any more you will start yourself down a path of self-improvement which IMO is the only way to feel content. It just so happens that this goes hand in hand with mustachianism.

Try learning new skills or hobbies such as cycling, walking/hiking, swimming or whatever sports you feel you can access easily, fix things yourself, make new friends, take up extra activities outside of work that will help you move up the ladder and closer to early retirement. Most of these things will expose you to new people and new ideas and with your new hobbies and home improvement projects (on a shoestring budget of course), you will find quickly that there is no time to feel 'bored'.

I find these little projects take up almost all of my spare time and feel like I am living life with a purpose, as apposed to being annoyed that there is nothing on TV on a Friday evening. While I can stomach an hour or two of TV at the end of a long weak,  I found depending on TV or spending to go on nights with friends out or eating out left me feeling hollow as while these are fun at the time, the good times can't go on forever and they were setting me back financially.

Take pride in what you can achieve in these new hobbies/skills, and while you will not be an expert  overnight, you may indeed find that that these activities opens up new streams of income, or is just a good way spend your free time. Remember though, family comes first! As long as you have good realtionships, you have no reason to feel down and out! If you're relationships aren't working out, well you might need to work on those too!





lifejoy

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #8 on: January 08, 2015, 06:15:36 AM »

Once you realise buying 'stuff' and experiences doesn't fix anything any more you will start yourself down a path of self-improvement which IMO is the only way to feel content. It just so happens that this goes hand in hand with mustachianism.

Try learning new skills or hobbies such as cycling, walking/hiking, swimming or whatever sports you feel you can access easily, fix things yourself, make new friends, take up extra activities outside of work that will help you move up the ladder and closer to early retirement. Most of these things will expose you to new people and new ideas and with your new hobbies and home improvement projects (on a shoestring budget of course), you will find quickly that there is no time to feel 'bored'.

I find these little projects take up almost all of my spare time and feel like I am living life with a purpose, as apposed to being annoyed that there is nothing on TV on a Friday evening. While I can stomach an hour or two of TV at the end of a long weak,  I found depending on TV or spending to go on nights with friends out or eating out left me feeling hollow as while these are fun at the time, the good times can't go on forever and they were setting me back financially.

Take pride in what you can achieve in these new hobbies/skills, and while you will not be an expert  overnight, you may indeed find that that these activities opens up new streams of income, or is just a good way spend your free time. Remember though, family comes first! As long as you have good realtionships, you have no reason to feel down and out! If you're relationships aren't working out, well you might need to work on those too!

These are really good ideas but I find them hard to implement in a place where a) it's -30 for another three months and b) my friends and family live far away. But I will see if I can think outside of the box :)

lifejoy

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2015, 06:15:59 AM »

OK, this might seem kind of silly, but if you like getting things in the mail you could sign up for Postcrossing. You register for free and exchange one-off postcards with people all over the world. It isn't free, since you have to send postcards to get them, but it's a pretty cheap way to get fun stuff in your mailbox.

That is cute! I might look into that :)

GuitarStv

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2015, 07:20:37 AM »
I just kinda sounds like you're isolated and lonely.  Almost everything that you're doing is isolating . . . if you're introverted like me that would be awesome.  But you're not.  Find a way to connect to people . . . maybe get active in a local church group, soup kitchen, animal shelter, sporting event, whatever.  Just get out and meet new people.  Start to surround yourself with people you know, and eventually they'll start turning into friends and surrogate family.

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #11 on: January 08, 2015, 07:34:48 AM »
What about shopping your closet making new outfits of what you already have and rearranging the furniture you already have?  Also, work on cooking new dishes.

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #12 on: January 08, 2015, 07:35:40 AM »
Little dinner party or a little potluck where you are and invite some people no one cares what you're wearing.

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #13 on: January 08, 2015, 07:35:51 AM »
Little dinner party or a little potluck where you are and invite some people no one cares what you're wearing.

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #14 on: January 08, 2015, 07:55:27 AM »
Hi LibraryJoy,

I'm an INFJ, so a quiet version of you, I suppose. :) My sister is an ENFJ and I know she goes crazy when she's alone for too long.

I had to reply because I just finished reading the book "The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg. He talks a lot about habit loops and how to change them. Since you're insightful enough to have mapped out your loop, the book might give you some good ideas about how to replace shopping with something else that would give you the same "reward". There was even a section at the end with very specific suggestions about changing your own habit loops. Good luck!


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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #15 on: January 08, 2015, 08:02:36 AM »
If you enjoy buying stuff you should consider becoming a licensed used car dealer.  I know this sounds a little weird  but --

You can do lots of research on what cars sell best and for what price in your area.   Then you go to auction and wait for the best deal on those cars.  (stick to the 6-12K resale range)

When you buy the car you will get a bump.  Detail the car another bump.  Sell the car another bump.  Rinse and repeat.  You'll be forced to talk with and meet lots of different and sometimes interesting people. 

Probably way out of the box thinking.   

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #16 on: January 08, 2015, 09:01:25 AM »
To help with one part of your post... the polar vortex last winter really screwed up my mood last winter (endless days of sub zero gray days).  It made me less likely to go out and interact and led to more time on the computer buying crap (which I normally don't do). 

About this time last year,  I bought a light box (Suntouch Plus) on Amazon and used it in the mornings for 45 minutes and it really helped my mood.  I doubled down on working out and that combo totally snapped me out of it and got me motivated again.  I'm sure personality type plays a part in your mood, but don't discount the effect those cold, dark days can have on you.

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #17 on: January 08, 2015, 09:27:25 AM »
I get my fun stuff in the mail fix by ordering free samples - new kinds of shampoo or body lotion, snack foods, what have you. I find them on icravefreebies.com, and I'm sure there are similar Canada-specific sites out there.

I also personally find a lot of happiness in planning for the future. When you get to your new city in six months, will you want to host dinner parties for the family and friends you mentioned? Try looking at recipes and making some menus on Pinterest. Do you know all the best places to visit in that city? Read up and make a list of things you want to do when you get there. You have a significant "light at the end of the tunnel" waiting for you, so maybe focusing on that will help?

In any case, good luck, and I hope it gets better for you :)

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #18 on: January 08, 2015, 09:47:11 AM »
Little dinner party or a little potluck where you are and invite some people no one cares what you're wearing.

I second the suggestion. My wife was rightfully complaining that we don't have enough friends. She got this brilliant idea to host happy hours on some Fridays. Worked like a charm, apparent a number of our neighbours had the same problem. This is common in the DC suburbs.

horsepoor

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #19 on: January 08, 2015, 12:25:30 PM »
Good time to build Mustachian skills.  Maybe learn to cook new things from scratch (even condiments!), get an old piece of furniture to refinish, or to add on to the idea of shopping your wardrobe, learn to sew and alter or repurpose your current clothes.  Maybe there are small crafty things (so the supplies aren't too expensive) that you could make to send to family - that way, the person you're making it for is on your mind while you're doing the project, and you feel a connection to them in the giving.  Seed beading comes to mind, but you might come up with something else.  Another idea is fostering a rescue dog, which would give you company and purpose (though this might not work if you'll be away from home more in the near future).  While a lot of this is still doing things in solitary, listening to podcasts may add a more social feeling to it.  I'm a definite introvert, so I'm not sure if that would help or not.  Volunteering in a social setting also sounds like a perfect solution for you.

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #20 on: January 08, 2015, 12:48:47 PM »
I like Bob W's way out of the box idea.

Similar to Bob's idea-what about flipping things you buy? There was an enormous thread on, of all sites, bodybuilding.com forums where guys would find good items on sale at places like Ross or TJ Maxx and resell them on eBay. Stuff like wallets, belts, jeans, etc. Alternately, if you know your stuff you can pull some great items from swapmeets/flea markets, or even yard sales. Not sure how that would work in your weather right now tho. :-/


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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #21 on: January 08, 2015, 01:14:05 PM »
Since you like reading, can you start a book club?  Or can you find someone who knows how to do something, like sew or knit, who could teach you?  You could start a Stitch 'N Bitch type group for people who work on yarn crafts, which would allow you to build a skill while interacting with others.

Also, MMM's recent post about getting outside in winter is more helpful than lightboxes and vitamin D, I've found.  Trust me, I know it's hard when it's that cold!  But it really is rejuvenating to get out for a walk or a run.  I walk to and from work in winter no matter the weather--and it's gotten down to about -60F--and I run until about -20F when I quit due to air quality concerns.  It is unbelievably helpful to escape that cabin fever feeling because you never again feel stuck inside.

If you are going to do this, my biggest tip is to wear fleece-lined leggings under your pants.  So comfy and warm.  :)

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #22 on: January 08, 2015, 04:04:30 PM »
What about shopping at thrift stores to get your fix?  Take $10.00 and see what you can buy with it, but only buy what you will use or need.  You don't want to clutter your house with useless stuff.

 I also like garage sales.  Usually, I end up just buying books at sales, but sometimes I see something that I really could use.  I also have my Discover card rewards linked to Amazon, and when I get enough points, I buy something I really need.  I just bought a tomato mill for next fall as I canned a lot of tomatoes last year and a tomato mill would have really come in handy!

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #23 on: January 08, 2015, 04:29:40 PM »


I was thinking that the thrill of purchasing something might be replaced by the thrill of selling something you no longer use/need.  You get to "purchase" money in exchange for an existing good.  That money could go to savings.

The added benefit of there being much less to organize, pack, haul, and unload when you move in a few months!

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #24 on: January 08, 2015, 05:00:15 PM »
When I get the yen to go shopping, I usually do one of three things: 1) Plan a garage sale or thrift shop day for items I need, and set a limit on my spending for the day (usually $20). The trick is to be as exacting in my standards as I would be shopping in Louis Vuitton. I buy nothing unless it is absolutely perfect for me.. 2) Scan websites like Money Saving Mom for free or nearly free items. These must be things I already use. Trying to get Tide laundry detergent or Charmin Extra Soft as cheaply as possible is a particular joy. 3) Plan a massive cooking day of make ahead lunches and dinners and shop for the ingredients.

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #25 on: January 08, 2015, 05:13:21 PM »
LibraryJoy - have you considered getting into the HAM radio scene?  All the chit-chat without the pesky going-places-in-the-cold... and if you're bent on sending little pieces of paper around the world, you can exchange QSL cards. :)

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #26 on: January 08, 2015, 05:19:17 PM »
Hi Libraryjoy, one way that helped me care even less about buying things and being a consumer was to consider entrepreneurism and what it would be like to become a producer. I really enjoyed reading The Millionaire Fastlane which gave great insight about starting a business and thinking about a production mindset. This could help you get out of your debt emergency and consumerist tendencies (as long as you don't have to put too much $ into starting your own business). Just an idea- I know from other posts that you like and are highly knowledgeable about jewelry and gemstones, so perhaps you could start by making your own and selling on etsy.

Also, +1 to the suggestion of starting/joining a boo kclub (either in your small town or online) which would combine your interests of reading and being an extrovert.

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #27 on: January 08, 2015, 05:39:33 PM »
I think Santa Fe Steve's idea is a great one.  Since you are going to be moving soon, the last thing you want is MORE STUFF. 

I know that I struggle to go thru my stuff and have been thinking that if I could talk to someone on the phone at the same time it would help.  Could you call friends or family and ask if they have 30 mins. to talk while you go through a drawer or closet?  Maybe they would like to do something at the same time too. 

As Steve says you may even find something to sell/donate or give away so that you don't have to move it.

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #28 on: January 08, 2015, 05:42:58 PM »
Re: the book club idea, how about starting one on Meetup.com?

Or I know that my local library runs a monthly book club among other things, which would also tie into your career/vocational interests.

lifejoy

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #29 on: January 08, 2015, 09:20:19 PM »
Thanks for all of the awesome suggestions! Things that helped me turn today around:

-forced myself to go out
-talked to several friends and family members on the phone and Skype
-spent a bit of money in a controlled and planned way
-cooked and cleaned

Most helpfully today, I read more of "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It has winsome quotes in it like "You are as happy as you decide to be".

So... More books! Thanks to the above person that suggested a habit book :)

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #30 on: January 08, 2015, 09:45:15 PM »
Believe it or not, another ENFJ here!  As for suggestions of ways to fill the gaps right now, I definitely think trying out a few new crafty hobbies is a great way to go.  If there is something you've been wanting to try, now is the time to do it.  Knitting comes to mind first since I picked it up last year and am now addicted.  But there are so many other great things.  Making your own cosmetics, woodworking, sewing, painting, etc.  When I needed to fill the gaps during a period of anxiety from being alone too much, I put together a few random projects - sorting/storing photos, geneaology research, gardening research, etc.  Anything you can start researching now to prepare for your upcoming move?  Or any paring down that needs to be done before that move?  Perhaps if you focused on that when you're feeling the need to acquire, that will help keep you focused on productive tasks. 

Happy thoughts for you during your last six months in your current locale!

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #31 on: January 10, 2015, 09:29:21 PM »
I get my fun stuff in the mail fix by ordering free samples - new kinds of shampoo or body lotion, snack foods, what have you. I find them on icravefreebies.com, and I'm sure there are similar Canada-specific sites out there.

I also personally find a lot of happiness in planning for the future. When you get to your new city in six months, will you want to host dinner parties for the family and friends you mentioned? Try looking at recipes and making some menus on Pinterest. Do you know all the best places to visit in that city? Read up and make a list of things you want to do when you get there. You have a significant "light at the end of the tunnel" waiting for you, so maybe focusing on that will help?

In any case, good luck, and I hope it gets better for you :)

I second looking at Pinterest.  I totally get where you come from.  I have started cooking from recipes I found on Pinterest.  So far so good.  I haven't been shopping since the day after Christmas.

Bob W

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #32 on: January 11, 2015, 09:53:53 AM »
Forgot to mention to up your vitamin d.  And consider a SAD light box.

amyable

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Re: Consumerism and Confidence - Tell me something I don't know?
« Reply #33 on: January 11, 2015, 03:20:54 PM »
I struggle with this sometimes, too.  I almost bought a beautiful olive green jacket on Zara about an hour ago until I suddenly remembered I'm not buying any new clothing in 2015.  Doh!

My advice is find out what you like about buying and find a way to replace it.  I hate to admit it, but I shop online when I'm bored.  And, while it never gets really cold here, it's too cold for my taste right now.  I've been doing yoga and cooking a lot from scratch to entertain myself, but I'm also an introvert with a very extroverted job, so I prefer not to see people when I'm not at work.  :-)