Casual, No Pressure Relationships

[Kiwi Mustache]

Hi all,

I’m 26 years old, male and have just ended a relationship with my partner and fiancée of 6 years.

Part of the reason the relationship didn’t work out was because the lack of intimacy. I’m not just talking about sex, but things like a hug when we have had a stressful day, a kiss in the bedroom before bed or holding hands down to the shops, etc. I really felt I needed this physical touch in the relationship and it just didn’t get any better. Even after I suggested and we both attended couples therapy for 3-4 months.

So I’m now single for the first time in 6 years, just moved into a shared accommodation in a 4 bedroom place, sharing with 3 other people all in their mid-late 20’s. I don’t feel like I’m ready to have a full on romantic long term relationship straight away. Although, I’ve never had a relationship just for casual fun. I don’t go out to bars/clubs etc to socialize with other people my age. The only logical place to meet other women my age is at my work (which I’m not particularly keen on doing).

However, there is another option which is to look for people online. I’ve looked at online dating websties but it is full of people looking to “settle down” and start a family, etc. Which for the next year or so I don’t feel I’m ready or willing to do. So this really only leaves “fling or affair” type websites where people go just to have no pressure, fun, uncommitted relationships for someone to spend time with but without the pressure of marriage/children and a long term future with.

However, I’m sceptical of the type of people that would be on these types of websites. One I’ve looked at out of interest is Ashley Madison (apparently it is the most popular for this type of thing).

Has anyone tried out this sort of thing? How do you approach people saying you just want to keep things casual without the pressure of a long term commitment?

Your advice would be appreciated.

[Cookie78]

Be honest with people. There are plenty of women your age who are not looking to settle down.

Your assessment of online dating is amusing to me, since anyone I know looking to settle down complains that all the people on online dating sites are just looking for flings. :p

I've never tried 'fling type' websites so I can't speak to that, but OKCupid in my area had a huge variety of people looking for different types of relationships (flings to marriage). Honestly I think that would be the easiest way to find casual relationships.

If not, maybe you could meet people through friends, or through your new roommates, or through meetup groups or clubs doing things you are interested in.

[plust]

Volunteer if you want to meet people.

Online dating is great and all, but it's a lot of work for little output, I've succeeded a whopping total of 5 times, though one relationship ended up with me living in thailand for two months.... YMMV.

Right now I'm just polyamourous and sleep with whoever.  I don't feel bad if they sleep with other people because why would I? Were looking to have fun.

Whatever you do always be safe and get tested!

[NumberCruncher]

Standard online dating websites can be used for more casual relationships, like OKCupid for sure. No reasonable date would bring up long term commitments until quite a few dates in, anyway, at least at your age. Why not just start going on a bunch of dates with different people? Also, have you tried Tinder? It seems much more casual and possibly what you're looking for.

The only thing I know about Ashley Madison is it being featured in an article as a place married people go to for affairs, so I think you're right to be skeptical.

Away from all that - what about meetup groups and the like? You can join groups centered around your interests and meet cool people. Some of these people may be attractive and single...

[trailrated]

Try Tinder

[Cecil]

Ashley Madison: Only if you are ethically comfortable dating married people whose spouses aren't in the loop.

Tinder: Good for flings.

OKCupid: Can be good. Don't answer the personality questions unless they are critical for you (when dating casually, you can usually put up with more than you think). Answer all the questions about sex and dating habits - then all the people with 85%+ matches will be looking for the same thing you are. Easy to filter and then you can just message people whose profiles are attractive to you, secure in the knowledge they probably want the same thing as you.

Also looking for explicitly non-monogamous people will help a lot, if you are okay with that.

[Syonyk]

OKCupid for dating, Meetup.com to find local groups of interesting people, which, in my experience, include a pretty good gender mix and certainly some dating material.

I met my wife on OKCupid, but there are plenty of people looking for more casual relationships there.

[Coonz]

Another vote for okcupid. I have been to weddings where the couple met on there and I have personally enjoyed an interesting variety of dates from the site. It is free, so +1. I don't think you need to put down a ton of personal information or get super involved in the process, just use it as a tool to put you in the same room with people you otherwise would not have met. Answer a few questions just to filter through people you may not want to interact with (because they hate black people, hate gay people, have ten kids and are looking for a stand in dad on the first date, etc). Look around meetup.com- not a dating site, but another free tool to put you in the same room with new people.

If you have spent a large portion of your life in committed relationships, it may be hard to realize there are a large number of people your age who are completely disinterested in such a thing. A long and fulfilling marriage does not need to be the end all goal of any romantic endeavor. Don't assume that all people are looking for long partnership. Try to take it out of socially structured context and just think about the concept- you want to meet new people and spend time with those you connect with.

As for being skeptical- I'm pretty sure Ashley Madison is for finding married people who want to have a discreet affair. As for other sites, realize that YOU are considering such an option. If YOU are considering it, perhaps there are similarly minded people who also thought they may try it. You should be able to see the weird ones from a mile away.

[swick]

have you thought of seeing if there are any local speed dating events?

[Chuck]

Met my wife on OK cupid. We started as an explicitly "just for fun" short term thing, but grew from there. OK Cupid si good for that.

[plantingourpennies]

Just concentrate on having an awesome life first-the rest will flow naturally.

[Mr Dorothy Dollar]

Step 1: Get a really good penis and chest pic.
Step 2: Craigslist
Step 3: Sorting emails and trying to hook up
Step 4: Failure and understanding that sex in a relationship is the easiest way to get sex.

Really random hook-ups are more work than what they are worth (coming from a gay guy where casual sex is the norm). You have to deal with bat-shit-crazy, STDs, bad hygiene, drug users, people that steal shit, jealousy, process of getting a new lay, awkward small talk, removing them from your house, screwing just to get rid of them, bad sex, and attachment issues. Really the only reason I could think of where a fling might be better than a partner is really odd kinky stuff. You can try out new kinks with random people and if it sucks no one needs to know.

[lise]

Tinder
My female friend from Wellington has some casual "acquaintances" up in Auckland that she met through Tinder ... this is not one night stands, but people she sees when she's up there for work.

[shotgunwilly]

Dude... Ashley Madison??? That site is for married and dating people who want to discretely go behind their partners back and fuck other people. Come on...

[Bob W]

Why don't you just meet a girl at work like everyone else? 

The math on finding someone is terrible so you may need to put some super hard work into it and really open your parameters.

Take our county for instance  --- There are 40K people, 20K female.  Of that 20K 10% are in the dating range, so 2K.  Of that 2K 90% are in relationships, so that leaves 200.  Of that 200 50% are just off and crazy or whatever,  so 100.  Of that 100, 70% have kids, so 30 left.  Of that 30, 50% don't meet the attraction threshold, so 15.  Of that 15, 70% won't be into you, so 4 or 5 left. 

4 or 5 out of every 40,000 people.   Kinda makes you wish you weren't so into hand holding and cuddling.

I know!  It sucks. 

[Schelde]

I had a perfectly happy marriage.

Until I read MMM and learned about...Ashley Madison.

(whistling as I head off to visit a site I've never heard of before)

[shotgunwilly]

Why don't you just meet a girl at work like everyone else? 

The math on finding someone is terrible so you may need to put some super hard work into it and really open your parameters.

Take our county for instance  --- There are 40K people, 20K female.  Of that 20K 10% are in the dating range, so 2K.  Of that 2K 90% are in relationships, so that leaves 200.  Of that 200 50% are just off and crazy or whatever,  so 100.  Of that 100, 70% have kids, so 30 left.  Of that 30, 50% don't meet the attraction threshold, so 15.  Of that 15, 70% won't be into you, so 4 or 5 left. 

4 or 5 out of every 40,000 people.   Kinda makes you wish you weren't so into hand holding and cuddling.

I know!  It sucks.

I often think it's a curse having an engineer's/statistic based mind because I think just like this about "meeting that special someone."  It's cynical and sad, but in my head it's the way it is. :(

[The_path_less_taken]

I'm female, but I have to say...in my experience some people take "I'm not really looking for anything serious right now" as a personal challenge and/or an affront.

I had 8 marriage proposals, after starting out meeting 8 guys and saying that phrase on the first date to each and every one of them. When I reminded them of that they insisted they didn't think it applied now because "we click so well and are obviously meant for each other".

Then I would say, "not standing up".

(sigh)

I think if you are doing things you like to do (NOT at WORK) then that's the place to look. Hiking/plays/library/Thai food/etc.

You can always make your own group too: "Looking for some funny people to start a standup group." or whatever.

Best of luck.

[couponvan]

I had a perfectly happy marriage.

Until I read MMM and learned about...Ashley Madison.

(whistling as I head off to visit a site I've never heard of before)

+1 - Really - do you really want to just have fun and not look to the future?  People on MMM are usually so purposeful with their lives - please if you are single first check out the Single Mustachian area - and say you need lots of affection!!!

[couponvan]

NO NO NO - to Ashley Madison.  Really the wrong answer.  Just shocking.  What is this world coming to?  OK - off my puritanical soap box, but NO....

[Liz]

I agree with the poster who suggested meetup.com -- I think it would be more natural to meet someone while doing an activity you both like, especially since you're not really interested in serious dating.

[Strawberrykiwi75]

Try Tinder. I'm the same age & I'm on it, my experience is that you get out of it what you want. A lot of people looking for flings, a lot looking for relationships, and everything in between.

[Melody]

I have a friend for these sorts of things. It works well... We love and care about each other like very close friends do, and we are intimate with each other, but it will never progress into a relationship because we don't feel that way about each other (we both know we are not each others ideal life partners... we're more like partners in crime and we egg each other on to get the confidence to talk to the cute person we've had our eye on at the bar! Knowing that even when you get rejected there is still a snuggle session waiting for you at the end of the night is pretty rad.) I think this is very rare for this to work without one person getting all jealous etc, and I'm super lucky to have this person in my life.  We were friends for about a year before we moved into intimate territory. If one of us was in a relationship again we could still be just friends (or at least I know I could).
The idea of hooking up with someone I don't know would not be something I would be into at all... Trust is very important... I don't even like having people in my house until I know them pretty well... I almost didn't come to the first MMM meetup because I was scared to meet people I didn't know that weren't already friends of friends.

I've also got quite a few male friends where we will cuddle/hold hands with each other (strictly non-sexual)... and that's a super nice thing to have as well :-) potentially the availability of this option depends on the social acceptability of this in your peer group ha ha ha. In my peer group it's acceptable, even to the point where the guys will snuggle with the other guys. I think of a lot of this is to do with all the camping and sleeping on floors we do. When you've got four people sleeping on a double mattress it's a lot less awkward if everyone's down for a snuggle rather than trying to be all "tough" and top to tail... come on... given the choice between snuggling your friend or having their foot in your face what would you do?

[csr]

I have a friend for these sorts of things. It works well... We love and care about each other like very close friends do, and we are intimate with each other, but it will never progress into a relationship because we don't feel that way about each other (we both know we are not each others ideal life partners... we're more like partners in crime and we egg each other on to get the confidence to talk to the cute person we've had our eye on at the bar! Knowing that even when you get rejected there is still a snuggle session waiting for you at the end of the night is pretty rad.) I think this is very rare for this to work without one person getting all jealous etc, and I'm super lucky to have this person in my life.  We were friends for about a year before we moved into intimate territory. If one of us was in a relationship again we could still be just friends (or at least I know I could).
The idea of hooking up with someone I don't know would not be something I would be into at all... Trust is very important... I don't even like having people in my house until I know them pretty well... I almost didn't come to the first MMM meetup because I was scared to meet people I didn't know that weren't already friends of friends.

I've also got quite a few male friends where we will cuddle/hold hands with each other (strictly non-sexual)... and that's a super nice thing to have as well :-) potentially the availability of this option depends on the social acceptability of this in your peer group ha ha ha. In my peer group it's acceptable, even to the point where the guys will snuggle with the other guys. I think of a lot of this is to do with all the camping and sleeping on floors we do. When you've got four people sleeping on a double mattress it's a lot less awkward if everyone's down for a snuggle rather than trying to be all "tough" and top to tail... come on... given the choice between snuggling your friend or having their foot in your face what would you do?

See above for Female friendzone definition.

[gimp]

Okcupid, guarantee you will find girls who want what you want.

[SpendyMcSpend]

It's very difficult to control feelings.  Often one person or the other falls in love.