Buying home closer to family, or friends & opportunities

[deek]

Hi all. My wife and I have started the exciting and nerve-racking process of house shopping. One of the biggest hurdles for us will be trying to decide on 1 of 2 locations. One (smaller community of 10k people) is closer to her family (only 35 minutes away). The other (larger town of 200,000+ people) is where we currently are and is 2 hours away from both of our families. We are expecting in September, and very ready to be parents :)

I'm curious to hear some experiences from anyone that was in a similar situation.

We LOVE the idea of having a grandparent close, as we both had tight knit families growing up, but most our support system outside of our immediate family is here in the city. We each have close friends living close to us. The city is also fun and there's a lot to do any given day. But it's also more expensive to buy a home here. Our gross household is over $180k, but we really want to continue our pace and grow our net worth faster than the average couple. I've concluded that for a home that fits our needs, we're probably going to be spending $2300-2400 a month at least where we currently are. That number would get us quite a bit more home for the money in the community of 10k people.

We each work remotely, so we're very flexible. But my role is actually contracted hourly and may be a tad bit less secure (then again maybe not... these layoffs have been crazy all over the place). So on that front, the idea of moving to a smaller community is just a little bit worrisome if I were to have to find a non-remote job. But we also have a decent amount of savings and I'm experienced in remote job hunting.

I know everyone's situation is unique, but I'd love to hear about any decisions anyone here made regarding home-buying in anticipation of starting a family. Did you regret anything about your decision? Did your family end up being too close for comfort, or did you maybe decide to stay close to friends and realize you actually weren't able to spend much time with them anyway? And feel free to share your opinions.

Thanks so much!!

[Paper Chaser]

The opportunities to socialize with friends or take advantage of the "things to do" in the larger city are going to fade a lot when the kid comes. All of my cool friends that lived in urban lofts as 20 somethings moved to the burbs when kids entered the picture, or at least by the time the kids would be school aged. They found they no longer had time, or desire to go out late with friends. Couldn't take the kid(s) to the bars. Trips to museums, having friends over, etc had to be scheduled around nap times, snack times, and bed times and everything costs more because you've got to buy another ticket or feed another mouth. New babies don't have to cost much, but boy howdy do those costs climb when kids start daycare and can walk and eat normal food. If your social network already has lots of parents with kids of similar ages, then you can easily socialize with playdates, but if you guys are the only ones with young kids, then they dynamic between you and your friends is pretty likely to change.

You can definitely raise kids in more populous places. It happens all the time. But like anything it's likely to require some trade offs.

If you don't have to move right away, I think I'd stay put for now. Get settled into life as a new parent. Understand how that has changed your life. And if you find that living in the current spot is no longer as appealing once kiddo is here then you can always move later to something that might be a better fit. But right now, you probably don't really know what will/won't be a good fit or not.

[neo von retorch]

Our situation:

We were both 20 minutes or less from our offices... but have been fully remote since 2020.

My in-laws were 20 minutes away but last year they moved ~2 hours away, opposite direction of my family.

I had a few friends in the area, and she had some friends relatively close but again, opposite direction of my family.

Our area was higher cost of living in comparison. We were hoping to go cheaper on a house. It didn't exactly work out that way, but you still have a chance! (Editor's Note: Lifestyle inflation. We got a bigger, much newer house with central air, much bigger garage, more land, more privacy, higher ceilings, fully renovated, and a few other perks like whole house generator, hot tub, pellet stove, 6 networked security cameras, blah, blah but were able to sell the old house for just as much because of the HCOLA it's in.)

Anyway, we sold there, and bought here, and it was about a wash in home prices, but now we have a higher interest rate! (3->6%).

I have a lot of old friends in this area, but most I have not seen in ~10+ years and it has been a little hard to really reconnect, but we've only been here 3.5 months. I think when our new puppy is ready, we'll have more hosted events, smaller at first, and get some friends to crawl out of the woodwork. For now I have been missing friends a bit.

But... we're ~25 minutes from 2 close family members, 45-55 to 2 others, and also much closer to the extended family (cousins) on my side. So we're seeing way more family now!

We still have our jobs - but we're still in an area where I think we could both find work if we couldn't find something remote, but really needed to.

The bottom line, I think, is that it's hard to weigh friends "vs" family because that can be different for everyone. Where we lived, I did not feel like my friends were absolutely my people. I mean, some of them are, but I just about never saw them anyway. I'm not sure I'll find "my people" among my old friends either. But my family - I'm definitely making an effort to see them during our oh too short lives.

We also alternate (if unevenly) between making the long drive to see the in-laws or for them to come see us. We see them every 1-2 months for a long weekend. Not much different than before we moved. Also note that we just got a puppy. We were unfortunately unable to conceive children. So they did not factor into the decision for us. Nor did schools.

[slappy]

I agree to wait if you can and see how life plays out. Also, do an honest evaluation of your family and the support they are willing and able to provide. We have family less than a mile away and we have no support at all. Family relationships have deteriorated over the years for various reasons. My family member asked us to have a christmas gift mailed to our house so his wife didn't see it, and he didn't even remember our address, even though he literally drives by us every day. I think sometimes people expect all this family support and it doesn't materialize, so just make sure to really think about that, and don't rely on family care being available

[Ron Scott]

Waiting until the decision feels personal and natural is prudent.

Most people i know make these decisions with economics at the forefront however.

[Scandium]

I only had to read inlaws 30 min away to decide which I'd choose.. That's a bit too close IMO (and my MIL isn't terrible or anything). 2 hrs is good; can visit, but not too often. (should note my family live thousands of miles away)

Also much more important IMO is consider opportunities for things to do with kid(s) when they are older in each location. Yes you won't go to bars and clubs, but a proper city has so much more. Museums, zoos, festivals/fairs, parks, family activities, multiple libraries. Last month we were at an arcade-brewery with friends, and had beers (responsibly) while playing retro arcade games with my 10 year old. Going places don't end when you have kids..
Also likely your friends might have kids as well? Or if not you'll make other parent-friends. And someone mentioned the hassle of "diapers and nap times". Even at that stage we took our kids plenty of places. We schedule drives around naps (or sleep in bike trailer) and became experts in diaper changing in random locations. And that only lasts a relatively short time.

I'm glad we have a lot of things to do with the kids nearby, often in biking distance. Friends who moved to "the country" have to drive 30 min to do anything.

[Laura33]

We LOVE the idea of having a grandparent close, as we both had tight knit families growing up, but most our support system for our current child-free life outside of our immediate family is here in the city.

FTFY.

You will not know what you want until you're there.  Some people are happy to pop their kids in a stroller and take them everywhere on the subway; others fly off to the 'burbs at the moment of conception.  Some friend groups happily adapt to small kids; some disappear entirely.  Some kids are healthy and normal; others need easy access to multiple doctors and therapists.  Some parents are really good at living close by; others can make your life hell.  Some kids do great in the neighborhood schools; others would do better with a much wider variety of schools or specialized programs to choose from.  You really, truly cannot know which version of life suits you best until you are actually dealing with the tradeoffs on a daily basis. 

FWIW, I found that moving back home was really critical to me once the kids arrived.  But a big part of that was because we moved a lot when I was a kid and my relatives were scattered all over; I wanted my kids to have the kind of white picket fence + and extended family lifestyle and security I never had -- I wanted grandma to be a routine part of their lives, not someone they saw for a week once a year.  Now my youngest (who just graduated HS) has only ever lived in this one house, with grandma a block away and uncles/aunts within 20-30 mins.*  It has been probably the best choice we could have made.  But that was because that was a priority to me (and my mom is somewhat reasonable about boundaries); for others, it wouldn't have worked at all. 

Oh:  and I also had no idea how important that would be to me until I had my first child while living 1600 miles away from my hometown. 

*We did even have a white picket fence -- which we then yanked up, of course.  ;-)

[Tasse]

What do those different-cost homes mean in terms of your lifestyle? "In the cheaper area we can afford a bigger/nicer place" doesn't mean much. "We can afford a place with [workshop space/gardening space/a pool/a guest bedroom/etc], which is valuable to us" is what you need to consider.

On the flip side, just saying the city is "more expensive" isn't that meaningful. "At the price we'll pay in the city, we will need to work an additional x years" is more helpful, at least if how many years you need to work is an important metric to you.

Don't just compare the differences, compare what the differences mean for your lifestyle.

[economista]

I think this all totally depends upon your family and your friend situation. We had kids on the other side of the country from both of our families. We thought our friends would be a great support network and they were as far as throwing me a baby shower and then making a schedule to determine who would drive us to and from the hospital for the birth (my husband is blind and therefore can't drive). However, after that they've been really meh. We are still the only ones with kids. They still make plans to hang out starting at 8pm, when we are dead tired and there is no way in hell I'm leaving my house at 8pm. They all have lives and almost 5 years after our first baby was born we still have only had 1 time when someone was available to help out and babysit when we really needed help. They all have their own full lives and taking time out of that to come help us and provide the support we really need (a break from the kids occasionally) is not even on their radars, even when we explicitly ask for it.

My brother still lives in my home town and my family (and SIL's family) help out ALL THE TIME. Almost every woman in my family is a stay at home mom or spouse, so there is always someone available to help out at the drop of a hat. They have never paid for a babysitter because there is always a family member available to watch their kids for free. It would make such a difference to my mental health if I had that kind of help.

However, I know people who live close to their family members and still never have any true help or support, and I know people whose friends absolutely help out a ton and who do provided that support. So it really depends on your group of friends/family members.

[NV Teacher]

Our gross household is over $180k, but we really want to continue our pace and grow our net worth faster than the average couple. I've concluded that for a home that fits our needs, we're probably going to be spending $2300-2400 a month at least where we currently are. That number would get us quite a bit more home for the money in the community of 10k people.

Thanks so much!!

Or do you buy a less expensive home in the smaller community, lowering your monthly cost, putting those extra funds into growing your net worth at an even faster pace?

[deek]

Our gross household is over $180k, but we really want to continue our pace and grow our net worth faster than the average couple. I've concluded that for a home that fits our needs, we're probably going to be spending $2300-2400 a month at least where we currently are. That number would get us quite a bit more home for the money in the community of 10k people.

Thanks so much!!

Or do you buy a less expensive home in the smaller community, lowering your monthly cost, putting those extra funds into growing your net worth at an even faster pace?

Yes, I meant to leave that possibility in there, but had too many thoughts racing through my mind. Definitely an option!

[jrhampt]

I think this all totally depends upon your family and your friend situation. We had kids on the other side of the country from both of our families. We thought our friends would be a great support network and they were as far as throwing me a baby shower and then making a schedule to determine who would drive us to and from the hospital for the birth (my husband is blind and therefore can't drive). However, after that they've been really meh. We are still the only ones with kids. They still make plans to hang out starting at 8pm, when we are dead tired and there is no way in hell I'm leaving my house at 8pm. They all have lives and almost 5 years after our first baby was born we still have only had 1 time when someone was available to help out and babysit when we really needed help. They all have their own full lives and taking time out of that to come help us and provide the support we really need (a break from the kids occasionally) is not even on their radars, even when we explicitly ask for it.

My brother still lives in my home town and my family (and SIL's family) help out ALL THE TIME. Almost every woman in my family is a stay at home mom or spouse, so there is always someone available to help out at the drop of a hat. They have never paid for a babysitter because there is always a family member available to watch their kids for free. It would make such a difference to my mental health if I had that kind of help.

However, I know people who live close to their family members and still never have any true help or support, and I know people whose friends absolutely help out a ton and who do provided that support. So it really depends on your group of friends/family members.

Yeah, I wouldn't expect your friends who don't have kids to provide free babysitting - there's a reason they don't have kids.  Those who do have kids are probably more likely to want to do this.  In any case, that's why you hire a babysitter.  If it's important to your mental health, you should budget for that.

[neo von retorch]

Yeah, I wouldn't expect your friends who don't have kids to provide free babysitting - there's a reason they don't have kids.  Those who do have kids are probably more likely to want to do this.  In any case, that's why you hire a babysitter.  If it's important to your mental health, you should budget for that.

Yes, for example, infertility.

[economista]

@jrhampt - Thankfully we are past the worst/hardest part of having young children and my mental health is much better these days. If we had two incomes, especially two high incomes like most couples on this board hiring childcare would be a no brainer, but we are constrained by the reality of our situation. I have a disabled husband who can't work and we have a disabled, medically complex 4 year old and a 3 year old with celiac disease and a speech delay. We spend almost a thousand dollars per month in medical expenses. We are doing the best we can to get by, which includes me having to drive the girls to 3 therapy appointments per week in the middle of my workday. Every week. sigh. It would be wonderful to have a family member close by who could help us out with our appointments.

However, I'm not complaining, because this is the life we chose, even though we didn't know that we were going to be hamstrung with so much disability and so many medical problems. We are lucky that we structured our life in a way where we can live on just my salary, even if we have to limit extraneous spending like babysitters. We do have a babysitter who usually comes once per month for 3 hours - but we don't get to take whole weekends away like my brother, or weekly date nights, or have someone who can come help when someone is sick or we are just at our limit for the day. Things like that. I actually just coordinated yesterday with teenaged babysitter (main babysitter's daughter) and she is going to come for 2 hours per day, M-F, for the rest of the summer to help give my husband a break. $10 per hour!! (Adult babysitters here charge $30+ for two kids!) It will be tight on our budget but will be worth it for him to have that break every day.

[Just Joe]

If you move to the country - - - choose wisely.

Our version is a ten minute drive to town. Dead easy commute to work and we carpool. I can ebike in if I'm motivated to. We are very independent. A few friends who we help and they help us. Family nearest family is across the state. Back then the distance was an important thing. Boundaries. Now that everyone is much older, we're actively trying to convince my parents to move closer so I can help them age in comfort.

We've known other people who were an hour from work out in a rural situation and each spouse went a different direction each morning. Nice house though. They bought alot of cars, gasoline and even more tires. It didn't last too many years before they moved closer to everything. And then moved and moved and then moved again. Job hopping for what I believe were modest income improvements but I think lifestyle inflation soaked up much of that.

All the moving I'll never understand but it isn't any of my business. They really had a good situation a couple moves back with lots of family help just when they needed it. Perhaps too much family help? I've never discussed it with them.

Just food for thought.

We love living in a smaller town with everything kind of close. We have big metro options if we want to take a day trip or an evening trip to an event if we are motivated. We just return home late.

[FallenTimber]

We live in the mountains with two young kids about 2.5 hours away from my parents, and 2,000 miles away from my wife’s family. There’s no where else we’d rather live from a recreational / lifestyle / outdoor opportunity perspective. And we have dozens of friends with kids our age here so we do have friendships. But it can still be isolating at times and we’ve considered moving closer to family. We  just don’t want to leave Colorado.

To balance it out, we worked to build a lifestyle that allows us to travel extensively and work remote. We bought a townhouse in the town my wife’s family is, and we spend April / May / November surrounded by extended family there. We also see my parents at least once a month, usually for 3-4 days at a time.

Life is a balance and we also have friends who have parents 5 minutes down the road, and they lean on their parents so much for help that the relationship has become tainted. So we’re at least very grateful that our families LOVE to see us and our kids.

Not sure how feasible a similar route may be for you and your family, but just something to consider.

[deek]

Some great answers here, very insightful. We just signed on to work with an amazing realtor after a great interview and a referral from a friend. We are taking a look at 3 houses this evening in our current area (the bigger town.. equidistant from both of our families).

We crunched a bunch of numbers an a mortgage payment of 2400-2500 a month leaves us with about $2000 in savings a month after expenses (conservatively). We are very comfortable with this number and are finding a happy medium so that we can achieve all our financial goals while still getting a home that is 'us'.

[deek]

Just wanted to follow up. We are still looking at houses and having some trouble getting on the same page as far as different priorities in a home, and understanding that no home is going to be perfect, especially for under $400k. This is quite a chore!

[Paper Chaser]

House hunting can be a pretty stressful experience. Take your time, and look at tons of them online with your partner and talk about things you do/do not like. Tour a few open houses to understand benefits/drawbacks of certain layouts, or how to look for things that might be a problem. It takes time to determine what should be a priority for your family and what can be moved down the list of importance.

And again, what you and your partner think is important now can very easily change a lot when you have a baby to care for. You don't have to buy a house tomorrow. There will be houses for sale every day until we all perish. You'll be a lot happier long term if you hold out for the right place that fits your life than if you feel pressure to buy something right away and settle.

[TimCFJ40]

Having made the best move of our lives a few years ago, my advice would be buy the neighborhood and the community, not the house.  Part of that is buying for the life you want to live.  Whether that is near a job, near family, or near specific places or activities is up to you. 

Yes, the house has to be liveable and workable.  But the neighborhood, amenities, and community are what makes a life, not a perfect home. 

Our house is the least desirable as far as a structure goes compared to our last 4 houses (very basic late '60s split level) but it is in an awesome location with great community.  Easy access to the outdoors, shopping, and a few restaurants.  We can walk to our church, and often don't drive for a few days in a row. 

Sometimes it's hard to not get caught up on finding the "perfect house", but this one has taught us that a workable house in a great community beats a "perfect house" every time!

[fuzzy math]

Are you working with a realtor in both cities? What makes "NOW" the absolute time to buy if you're not sure exactly what you want? Is there any chance that one of you will want to stay home after the baby is born, thus changing your budget?

Kids are pretty flexible and won't have much memory of where they lived before age 4. It might be easiest to stay put in your current rental situation until you figure out what lifestyle you want. You can evaluate in the city with friends and you can go visit family in the burbs.

Also schooling (rankings on great schools, as well as what variety of options are available for classes / school types / community sports etc) are a factor that you will have to learn in time through lived experience. My first home that I bought is not where I would have wanted to have my kids go to school.