Burned out at work, lost all motivation. Mental health is poor

[dacalo]

Hi Mustachians,

I posted a similar thread at Bogleheads but would your unique perspective as well.

We are very fortunate in that we became FI due to some significant events (IPO, hot stock market) in 2020. I have been an avid reader and thought I would be ready to navigate through all the options at disposal, but find that I don't have a concrete plan.

All numbers below represent index funds with exception of taxable as noted and cash. Only bond we hold is in PSLDX in Roth, and we will continue to hold mostly in equities while bumping up cash for a buffer.

Situation: Married, 2 kids. We are late bloomers.
Him:41 (~$150k income, excluding cash bonus and equity)
Her: 35 (staying home for now, but earned ~$90k per year)

401k: 344k
Roth IRA: 120k
HSA: 20k (balance from old plan)
Taxable: 3.7M, estimated post tax is $2.7M (~85% tied to IPO, restriction to sell lifted in a month. Plan is to sell 90% and reallocate to index funds. Will need to pay tax at 45% but can also hold for LT for lower tax. Company is doing well and most like will appreciate in value in the future)
Cash: 56k
Estimated total: $3.3M


House: worth 1M
Mortgage: 595K (2.875%)

I am burned out with work. I just transitioned to a new job; been here three months. I was on the verge of quitting multiple times due to a toxic boss with unrealistic project deadline. I was showing serious signs of stress and depression and even talked to my doctor (been in high stress situations but this is a first to "escalate" to a doctor). I spoke up and finally talked to HR (my first as well) and found out that he had a history of treating people badly. The company decided to let him go a few weeks ago, but the burnout still lingers and my motivation to work has waned significantly. I am no longer emotional about the situation, and am able to look at things objectively.

Although the source of the toxicity is gone, I just want to step away from all the nonsense and want to focus on the family and myself. My resting heart rate has elevated more than 10% and I feel unmotivated to do anything. Friends tell me this is PTSD from the stress I experienced but I am not sure.

The options were exercised this year so I am anticipating a huge tax bill. Any salary I make will be taxed at almost 50%. This further makes me less motivated to work.

Estimated monthly expense including health insurance is about $8k which includes mortgage. I've tried using FireCalc and others and the result has been positive (all 100%). But I am still afraid to the pull plug. I feel like we should have mortgage paid off or should have higher amount saved.

I have talked to my wife about potentially retiring early or taking some time off, but I feel guilty about it. I am also worried about health insurance situation with a family of four. Due to the bargain element of the options, I think we won't be eligible for any subsidy.

Another thing is if I decide to pull the plug, we will most likely move to a cheaper area which would enable us to buy a house in cash.

My father passed away when I was 20, and he was a hard working self-made millionaire but he died before he got to enjoy the wealth. I want to spend more time with the kids and also enjoy my hobbies (running, reading, video games, pick up violin again).

I realize that I am very fortunate to be in this situation and that this is a first world problem.

Would appreciate any feedback/life lesson/experience/what you would do in this situation.

Update Post (5/4/21):

I gave my 2 week notice shortly after my original post, and quit early March. Once I gave the notice, I felt huge weight off of my shoulders. I felt really liberated mentally. After I quit, I spent more time with our two little ones, read more, started to exercise and run more, and just enjoy life. I actually started to wake up earlier in the mornings because I no longer dreaded work.

I have completely recovered from the burnout and just have started looking for work after taking about 2 months off. Our NW is at a good place, but I wouldn't mind finding a right place (I am being picky, looking for the right situation).  Got a taste of what RE is like and will probably perm RE sometime soon; will reassess on an annual basis.

[41918]

As someone who is bipolar I and recently went next on ST disability I can relate. I’m thankfully FI so all will be good. Wishing you the best.

[Morning Glory]

Dude, just fucking quit. You have three million dollars. That allows you to spend 120k per year for life. You won. Don't quibble about the mortgage, just quit and go enjoy your life. You can afford to keep the million dollar house even, if that's what you want.

[zoro]

No job is worth your health.  You are FI by the look of it. Pull the pin, you are done.

[friedmmj]

No job is worth your health.  You are FI by the look of it. Pull the pin, you are done.

I love this reply!  short and sweeeeet!!

[bmjohnson35]

You haven't indicated whether your spouse wants to retire. If he/she still wants to work, taking some time off is an easy option. Given your NW, you could always quit your job and take some time to decide what you want to do long-term.  You can provide proper notice and simply decompress for a while.  You may end up wanting to go back to work part-time, full time or not at all.  You can spend more time with your kids.  I strongly believe good health is one of the most important things for us to focus on.  Whether you seek counseling, take time off or keep working, make sure you don't let your mental/physical health slide.  Since you are open to moving to a lower cost of living, you really are in the drivers seat. 

Good Luck

[nirodha]

Don't quit. Work with a therapist to take FMLA, possibly short term disability. The programs are intended for exactly your situation.

[dacalo]

As someone who is bipolar I and recently went next on ST disability I can relate. I’m thankfully FI so all will be good. Wishing you the best.

Thanks, appreciate it.

Dude, just fucking quit. You have three million dollars. That allows you to spend 120k per year for life. You won. Don't quibble about the mortgage, just quit and go enjoy your life. You can afford to keep the million dollar house even, if that's what you want.

Ha, I know right? I said the same thing when I saw people with sufficient NW when they posed the same question. Now that I am able to, I don't know what it is, but, it makes me second guess myself. Irrational, I know.

No job is worth your health.  You are FI by the look of it. Pull the pin, you are done.

Definitely, this is priority. My current employer is doing really well but I just couldn't care less if it is at expense of my health.

You haven't indicated whether your spouse wants to retire. If he/she still wants to work, taking some time off is an easy option. Given your NW, you could always quit your job and take some time to decide what you want to do long-term.  You can provide proper notice and simply decompress for a while.  You may end up wanting to go back to work part-time, full time or not at all.  You can spend more time with your kids.  I strongly believe good health is one of the most important things for us to focus on.  Whether you seek counseling, take time off or keep working, make sure you don't let your mental/physical health slide.  Since you are open to moving to a lower cost of living, you really are in the drivers seat. 

Good Luck

Thanks. Wife is very supportive. She is able to work PT or FT as she sees fit (her former employer wants her back) but with the 8 month old little one, she will start working later. She has already mentioned that she wants to go back to work.

I don't anticipate working FT again unless it's something I am REALLY excited about. I am a CPA (non-tax) but not sure how that will translates to PT work; my work consisted of operational and technical accounting.

[Metalcat]

I literally don't understand why you are still working.

Either quit or take short term disability. Why is this a question?

Pay for health insurance for the year, figure out where you want to live, and then once you have recovered, either you or your wife can go back to work for the sake of insurance if that actually ends up making the most sense, but don't worry about it right now.

Right now, you have more than enough money to do the smart thing, which is to not worry about any of that shit at the moment.

You are experiencing a medical emergency, so do the responsible thing and take care of it like a grown ass adult.

[mm1970]

I literally don't understand why you are still working.

Either quit or take short term disability. Why is this a question?

Pay for health insurance for the year, figure out where you want to live, and then once you have recovered, either you or your wife can go back to work for the sake of insurance if that actually ends up making the most sense, but don't worry about it right now.

Right now, you have more than enough money to do the smart thing, which is to not worry about any of that shit at the moment.

You are experiencing a medical emergency, so do the responsible thing and take care of it like a grown ass adult.

+1

[AccidentialMustache]

Don't quit. Work with a therapist to take FMLA, possibly short term disability. The programs are intended for exactly your situation.

Or don't even bother with the therapist. Talk to your new boss, your boss's boss, or HR. Tell them you are burned out and stressed due to (fired boss) and would like to take a sabbatical. Pick your length of time between 3 and 6 months. Go long, because they will want it to be shorter. You won't get paid (unlike trying for short term disability) but you don't need anyone's agreement but HR/your grandboss. Decide you like not working? Go back at the end and hand in a resignation letter, giving them two week's notice for you to train anyone they want on your job. Preferred working? Great you're back doing it.

"Estimated" expenses are dangerous, because the estimate is often garbage. Can you actually back up the estimate with real numbers? If not, take the sabbatical and track EVERYTHING for those X months. Now you have a better estimate to actually make decisions on.

I might think about paying off the mortgage, if it would lower your stress level about the thing, once you get the IPO money in. Maybe even if it wouldn't. It also lowers your needed income per year which lowers taxes, of course at the cost of losing those gains vs a probably low mortgage rate.

[dacalo]

Don't quit. Work with a therapist to take FMLA, possibly short term disability. The programs are intended for exactly your situation.

Or don't even bother with the therapist. Talk to your new boss, your boss's boss, or HR. Tell them you are burned out and stressed due to (fired boss) and would like to take a sabbatical. Pick your length of time between 3 and 6 months. Go long, because they will want it to be shorter. You won't get paid (unlike trying for short term disability) but you don't need anyone's agreement but HR/your grandboss. Decide you like not working? Go back at the end and hand in a resignation letter, giving them two week's notice for you to train anyone they want on your job. Preferred working? Great you're back doing it.

"Estimated" expenses are dangerous, because the estimate is often garbage. Can you actually back up the estimate with real numbers? If not, take the sabbatical and track EVERYTHING for those X months. Now you have a better estimate to actually make decisions on.

I might think about paying off the mortgage, if it would lower your stress level about the thing, once you get the IPO money in. Maybe even if it wouldn't. It also lowers your needed income per year which lowers taxes, of course at the cost of losing those gains vs a probably low mortgage rate.

Thanks. I don't think sabbatical would work as I am the only person in charge of a specific department. Would be a cleaner end if I just quit. Also, just thinking about work at this company triggers stress signals I haven't experienced anywhere else (tightening of chest, a lot of sighing, etc), so I don't want to return here.

All our expenses are tracked via YNAB (past 3 years) so we know exactly when the expenses are. I also looked up healthcare insurance on Covered California for our family size and was given the exact cost. If anything, we anticipate our expenses to go down, not up. The reason I said estimated is because I wasn't 100% sure if the quote provided for health insurance is final.

I think paying off  the mortgage is the way to go to lower our income.

[dacalo]

I literally don't understand why you are still working.

Either quit or take short term disability. Why is this a question?

Pay for health insurance for the year, figure out where you want to live, and then once you have recovered, either you or your wife can go back to work for the sake of insurance if that actually ends up making the most sense, but don't worry about it right now.

Right now, you have more than enough money to do the smart thing, which is to not worry about any of that shit at the moment.

You are experiencing a medical emergency, so do the responsible thing and take care of it like a grown ass adult.

Thanks Malcat. My heart knows what's right, but my brain says otherwise. It's just such a large life event that I am afraid to pull the trigger. I did sit down with the wife tonight and we decided that I will turn in my 2 week notice tomorrow. Will see what happens.

[Evgenia]

We are all here for you. We say it here all the time but it's no less true: a dollar is a dollar, but time increases in value when you have less of it left. I think your instincts to spend more time with your loved ones instead of in an unhealthy situation are sound.

FWIW, we also jumped into FIRE before we'd planned to though, like you, we could afford it. We had zero motivation to work after paying off the house but, more critically than that, my husband was so stressed (at 39) that I was afraid he'd have a heart attack and die. The night before he gave notice, I was crying in the car and saying, "What, you'll die and I'll have... even more money, when we already have enough?!" Save yourself.

[Fresh Bread]

I know the deal with mortgages in the US and the reasons to keep them, but if it's giving you even the slightest bit of stress just pay it off when you cash out the options. When you have that much money why sweat over optimising everything.

If it was me I think I'd retire in a month once everything is cashed out and paid off and all squared away. Especially since your wife is keen to go back.

[Fresh Bread]

The night before he gave notice, I was crying in the car and saying, "What, you'll die and I'll have... even more money, when we already have enough?!" Save yourself.

Oh we had a really similar conversation!!! He wasn't sleeping and was working into the night and I was getting v worried about his mental health rather than a heart attack. Thank goodness it's all over.

[Whiskers]

I can relate to the burnout feeling. Good luck with your decision to give your notice tomorrow. I hope it is the beginning of a new story that can someday inspire us all to take such a leap and reprioritize for what’s most important in life.

[DeniseNJ]

The whole point of FIRE and MMM is NOT money. The point is to save enough money through efficiency to be able to BUY YOUR TIME and FREEDOM back. You have the money, step 1, so use it to buy your time and freedom. Save your mental and physical health.

Quit. If you need to or want to go back at some point, then get another job. Or if your wife wants to go back, all the better, since instead of quitting you are now an at-home dad. Don't consider it selfish to spend time with your kids--it's not. Consider it your new job. You are leaving work to raise a family. Congrats!

[Metalcat]

I literally don't understand why you are still working.

Either quit or take short term disability. Why is this a question?

Pay for health insurance for the year, figure out where you want to live, and then once you have recovered, either you or your wife can go back to work for the sake of insurance if that actually ends up making the most sense, but don't worry about it right now.

Right now, you have more than enough money to do the smart thing, which is to not worry about any of that shit at the moment.

You are experiencing a medical emergency, so do the responsible thing and take care of it like a grown ass adult.

Thanks Malcat. My heart knows what's right, but my brain says otherwise. It's just such a large life event that I am afraid to pull the trigger. I did sit down with the wife tonight and we decided that I will turn in my 2 week notice tomorrow. Will see what happens.

Human beings have an idiotic bias towards trusting what they are currently doing more than the unknown.

It's idiotic, because a lot of the time that means trading and unknown risk (making a change) for a known 100% risk (continuing to do what's awful).

It means you ironically feel afraid of losing the "security" of what you know, even when what you know is literally killing you.

The fun part is that humans are not rational creatures, we are rationalizing creatures. People think they're rational, but for the most part, that just isn't supported by science. So what happens is that you have this reflex to hold on to what you know, and then retro-actively invent powerful rationalizations for why.

That's why I say to never give too much credit to the reasons you feel compelled to stay where you are. They're just cognitive noise, and they will disappear immediately once you make a change because they won't serve a purpose anymore.

What you are experiencing is very real, but the things that you tell yourself aren't necessarily. I *strongly* recommend you get some very good therapy through this, because you have a lot of trauma to work through, it doesn't just go away when you quit the job that caused it.

Focus on what matters. You have enough money so that work doesn't matter. That's great, no distraction. So now you can afford to do the responsible thing and take care of yourself.

It's time to TOTALLY reorganized your priorities. You've had a set of priorities that have guided you for years and lead you to this point, which has left you mangled. It's time to throw those out and start from scratch with new priorities, which will provide new guidance on your decisions.

I'm glad you are giving notice, because that's what a responsible person would do if their health and the well being of their family was their main priority.

Grab onto that and run with it. Start filtering all decisions through a priority framework that puts the physical and emotional well being of all of your family members first. What does that life look like? How do those decisions get made? I bet that looks very different from how you instinctively feel you need to behave from years of prioritizing career success.

Really take some time to reflect on the state that you past decisions have resulted in. Respect why you did it, because it produced financial Independence, and then respect those decisions even more by never EVER repeating them. 

[KarefulKactus15]

So many people aren't seeing that taxable accounts value and just see the income.

I quit my job in August.  It was hard for some reason. I can't explain why. I hated it but had anxiety to leave.  What a sick little trap.

Talk it over with your spouse.   But ultimately from the experience with your dad you understand time is more important than money.

You are done - you beat the game. Take your prize and move on to doing what you want.

Also once you quit, somehow your bills will get lower and you will have more creative energy to lower the other ones and find solutions that stretch your money even further.

And if you spend the next year or so shopping for a new lcol area, that reduces things even further.   You can live like a king in my neck of the woods on that stache.  A nice 2010 era house with 2500 sq ft can be had for 225kish.

[tipster350]

I literally don't understand why you are still working.

Either quit or take short term disability. Why is this a question?

Pay for health insurance for the year, figure out where you want to live, and then once you have recovered, either you or your wife can go back to work for the sake of insurance if that actually ends up making the most sense, but don't worry about it right now.

Right now, you have more than enough money to do the smart thing, which is to not worry about any of that shit at the moment.

You are experiencing a medical emergency, so do the responsible thing and take care of it like a grown ass adult.

+1

I mean, really?! You are making up a problem when there is none. Come back for advice when you have an actual problem to solve. Makes me wonder if you need to have a problem for some psychological reason, or if you need attention a la humble bragging.

[Metalcat]

I literally don't understand why you are still working.

Either quit or take short term disability. Why is this a question?

Pay for health insurance for the year, figure out where you want to live, and then once you have recovered, either you or your wife can go back to work for the sake of insurance if that actually ends up making the most sense, but don't worry about it right now.

Right now, you have more than enough money to do the smart thing, which is to not worry about any of that shit at the moment.

You are experiencing a medical emergency, so do the responsible thing and take care of it like a grown ass adult.

+1

I mean, really?! You are making up a problem when there is none. Come back for advice when you have an actual problem to solve. Makes me wonder if you need to have a problem for some psychological reason, or if you need attention a la humble bragging.

This is unnecessary and cruel.

Burnout is real and many people struggle to actually leave abusive workplaces for many complicated psychological reasons.

Don't shit on people who are in pain. That violates our number 1 rule here.

I was blunt with OP from a place of love and support as someone who has been there and understands how fucked it can feel to be attached to the workplace that's hurting you.

My post was tough love, but love nonetheless.
Your post is mean. Don't be mean.

[KarefulKactus15]

Stockholm Syndrome for employers.  I wonder if that's ever been proposed.

[tipster350]

I literally don't understand why you are still working.

Either quit or take short term disability. Why is this a question?

Pay for health insurance for the year, figure out where you want to live, and then once you have recovered, either you or your wife can go back to work for the sake of insurance if that actually ends up making the most sense, but don't worry about it right now.

Right now, you have more than enough money to do the smart thing, which is to not worry about any of that shit at the moment.

You are experiencing a medical emergency, so do the responsible thing and take care of it like a grown ass adult.

+1

I mean, really?! You are making up a problem when there is none. Come back for advice when you have an actual problem to solve. Makes me wonder if you need to have a problem for some psychological reason, or if you need attention a la humble bragging.

This is unnecessary and cruel.

Burnout is real and many people struggle to actually leave abusive workplaces for many complicated psychological reasons.

Don't shit on people who are in pain. That violates our number 1 rule here.

I was blunt with OP from a place of love and support as someone who has been there and understands how fucked it can feel to be attached to the workplace that's hurting you.

My post was tough love, but love nonetheless.
Your post is mean. Don't be mean.

My post was meant to be blunt but not mean. Do not tell me what my motivation was for this post. I have suffered intense burnout, and for numerous reasons all at the same time that would challenge the best of us. So don't assume that I have no understanding of burnout.

[achvfi]

I mean, really?! You are making up a problem when there is none. Come back for advice when you have an actual problem to solve. Makes me wonder if you need to have a problem for some psychological reason, or if you need attention a la humble bragging.

Thumbs down. Discouraging, not cool nor helpful.

[Metalcat]

I literally don't understand why you are still working.

Either quit or take short term disability. Why is this a question?

Pay for health insurance for the year, figure out where you want to live, and then once you have recovered, either you or your wife can go back to work for the sake of insurance if that actually ends up making the most sense, but don't worry about it right now.

Right now, you have more than enough money to do the smart thing, which is to not worry about any of that shit at the moment.

You are experiencing a medical emergency, so do the responsible thing and take care of it like a grown ass adult.

+1

I mean, really?! You are making up a problem when there is none. Come back for advice when you have an actual problem to solve. Makes me wonder if you need to have a problem for some psychological reason, or if you need attention a la humble bragging.

This is unnecessary and cruel.

Burnout is real and many people struggle to actually leave abusive workplaces for many complicated psychological reasons.

Don't shit on people who are in pain. That violates our number 1 rule here.

I was blunt with OP from a place of love and support as someone who has been there and understands how fucked it can feel to be attached to the workplace that's hurting you.

My post was tough love, but love nonetheless.
Your post is mean. Don't be mean.

My post was meant to be blunt but not mean. Do not tell me what my motivation was for this post. I have suffered intense burnout, and for numerous reasons all at the same time that would challenge the best of us. So don't assume that I have no understanding of burnout.

Thanks for clarifying, because I'm obviously not the only one who interpreted your post as cruel, which is too bad if you were coming from a genuinely supportive place.

[dacalo]

I literally don't understand why you are still working.

Either quit or take short term disability. Why is this a question?

Pay for health insurance for the year, figure out where you want to live, and then once you have recovered, either you or your wife can go back to work for the sake of insurance if that actually ends up making the most sense, but don't worry about it right now.

Right now, you have more than enough money to do the smart thing, which is to not worry about any of that shit at the moment.

You are experiencing a medical emergency, so do the responsible thing and take care of it like a grown ass adult.

+1

I mean, really?! You are making up a problem when there is none. Come back for advice when you have an actual problem to solve. Makes me wonder if you need to have a problem for some psychological reason, or if you need attention a la humble bragging.

This is unnecessary and cruel.

Burnout is real and many people struggle to actually leave abusive workplaces for many complicated psychological reasons.

Don't shit on people who are in pain. That violates our number 1 rule here.

I was blunt with OP from a place of love and support as someone who has been there and understands how fucked it can feel to be attached to the workplace that's hurting you.

My post was tough love, but love nonetheless.
Your post is mean. Don't be mean.

My post was meant to be blunt but not mean. Do not tell me what my motivation was for this post. I have suffered intense burnout, and for numerous reasons all at the same time that would challenge the best of us. So don't assume that I have no understanding of burnout.

You question my motivation for the post yet you tell us not to question your motivation? Sigh.

No, my intent is not to brag or anything like that. Not at all. Like I mentioned in my OP, I know this is a first world problem. I somewhat felt embarrassed posting that because I know others are less fortunate.

Everyone tells me the math works. I am a CPA and should be familiar. But my mind is a mess, compounded by the stress and also the fact that we have two little ones to look after as well. Maybe you are right, this isn't a problem at all and I am just seeking validation. And that is enough.

[SimpleCycle]

I'm going to dissent from most of the advice posted here, and instead relate some of the advice that has been helpful to me over two decades of managing mental illness and subsequent difficulties with work.  First, don't make any major irreversible decisions in the throes of a mental health crisis.  Second, you have more options than you can see.  Third, the best way to deal with mental health issues is to get treatment for mental health issues.

That's not to say that quitting your job isn't the right decision...eventually.  Or that relocating isn't the right decision...eventually.  Heck, they might be the right decision pretty soon, and neither is irreversible.  But the thing about depression and most other mental health issues is that they cloud your judgement and convince you that you must do X, Y, or Z to fix your life or life will continue to be unbearable.  And so you end up making decisions from a place of fear and scarcity, instead of joy and abundance.  You allude to this yourself in how you feel about pulling the plug on paid work - afraid and feeling like you don't have enough security yet.

Which is where having more options than you can see matters.  Your choices aren't just "quit now" or "stay in a job where you are miserable".  You can take short term disability or FMLA.  You also have substantial bargaining power because you don't actually need the job.  You could try to negotiate part time or getting moved to a different team.  There are almost certainly options even beyond those.  Mental illness can make you feel trapped, but you still have agency and choices, even when your brain is convincing you that you don't.

And that is why it is so important to get treatment for mental health issues.  I would be looking for a thorough evaluation from a mental health professional, and a recommendation for treatment.  Again, here you have more options than you might be aware of.  Therapy, medication, exercise, EMDR, and probably some more depending on what your specific issues is evaluated to be.  Treatment can get you back to a place where things don't feel like a crisis, and you are more clear headed and can weigh pros and cons without the threat of "or my life will continue to be unbearable" in the background.  The other thing that is important to understand is that recovering takes time, and I've never heard anyone say "I'm glad I waited to get treatment".  So move this to a front and center priority, because it will help you be able to move forward on everything else.

Finally, just on a practical note, you probably want to look into treatment while you still have employer-provided health insurance.  You are much more likely to be able to find in-network care before you switch to the ACA.  That's not to say you can't navigate all this with an ACA plan, but it is more stressful and complicated, which is something you don't need right now.

Wishing you the best as you figure out how to move forward.

[draco44]

I think you have enough money to plug the pull but I also appreciated the comments from @SimpleCycle about you having more options than you think.

You mention that "Although the source of the toxicity is gone, I just want to step away from all the nonsense and want to focus on the family and myself." Quitting is very possibly the right move for you but I think you'd feel more confident in the decision if you take at least a brief pause first. Take a week off. Now. Use disability, sick days, vacation days, whatever. Even a short break like that could help you gain clarity on your goals and take the edge off the pain you are currently experiencing.

Long-term, I wholeheartedly support the suggestion others have made that you work with a mental health professional, and/or take a more extended absence if you decide not to quit your job or move to a different role. But it sounds like those bigger decisions seem too overwhelming for you at the moment. So hit pause instead. Take a week to remove your hand from the fire that is your current office environment, then move forward as you see fit. You need a vacation. (Even if it's just a staycation, given COVID.)

[mathlete]

You have $3.7M in a taxable brokerage account. This is a slam dunk IMO. Do what makes you happy.

I would encourage completely auditing your whole life and making sure you're 100% correct about what is burning you out and weighing on your mental health. But assuming everything checks out, pull the plug.

Wishing you the best!

[Nutty]

A friend went on a cruise.  She had a history of stress related problems.  High blood pressure, headaches and all. 

First day from returning she went to the doctor and had the best exam she had in a long time.  The doctor told her that whatever she was doing, do more of it for her health.  She took it to heart and turned in her resignation right before month end close.  Marked improvement in her health.

You mention you are a mess.  Take a vacation and see what feels good.  Better yet, spend time with your new daughter and wife.

Best wishes and hope you feel better.

[dacalo]

Thank you everyone for all the encouragements, tough love, and criticisms.

I am not able to take a leave, as I took one latter half of last year due to the birth of our child. I believe there is a limit of one leave per 12 month period. Also, I am the sole manager in my department and my absence will basically shut down the department.

My decision making at this point is much more objective than 3 weeks ago. I can think more clearly based on facts. Also, my body is telling me to get the hell out (tightening of chest muscle, unmotivated to do anything). This job is not doing any favors on my health. I have had very stressful jobs before, but I think the reason this job is so much stressful is that I don't have the tools and resources to do my job, which I have voiced loudly to the C suite multiple times but the expectation doesn't reflect that. Screw this, I am done.

The call for my resignation is in 20 minutes.

[Much Fishing to Do]

Taxable: 3.7M, estimated post tax is $2.7M (~85% tied to IPO, restriction to sell lifted in a month. Plan is to sell 90% and reallocate to index funds. Will need to pay tax at 45% but can also hold for LT for lower tax. Company is doing well and most like will appreciate in value in the future)

I'm not going to say much on quitting or not.  Frankly I think you should quit 'this' job now as you definitely don't need to put up with that crap, but whether its time to declare yourself RE may require a lot more thought.  Either way I don't think REing totally fixes most mental health issues, even in the cases where the career was the primary thing that kicked it off.

But that sentence above stood out to me way beyond just the fact you have $3.7M in taxable assets.  We all here have lots of different favored allocations, and I think the vast majority work well enough under the 4% Rule even though that rule was really meant to apply to a specific diversified portfolio.  But if I'm reading this right you currently have 85% of this nut in one company, and you've got potentially huge decisions to make that will generally balance losing a ton in taxes versus keeping a ton of risk in one company's performance (which you seem to be considering, and I get why).   But I've seen way too many 'solid' companies tank HUGE on surprise news to be comfortable with saying right now you can rely on a 4% withdraw from that $2.7M post tax, and the area of focus right now should be on changing that.

[better late]

Screw this, I am done.

The call for my resignation is in 20 minutes.

Just an internet stranger sending you all kinds of moral support from across the country.  Everything's gonna be ok.

[flyingaway]

Some of you in the above mentioned claiming short term disability. How can a person claim short term disability because of job burnout?

I ask this question genuinely, as I also have a similar job burnout problem and I will be very much interested in claiming short term disability if I could. Can I ask a doctor to certify that I am disabled due to job burnout?

[dacalo]

An update: Talked to HR and they want me to take a 3-week break and then come back. I told them there is no guarantee that I will return after 3 weeks. This made them squirm. They told me to think it over the weekend, but my resignation letter is ready to be sent to make the departure final.

I am done. Thanks everyone.

[Morning Glory]

Good for you!! Enjoy your freedom!

[Metalcat]

Some of you in the above mentioned claiming short term disability. How can a person claim short term disability because of job burnout?

I ask this question genuinely, as I also have a similar job burnout problem and I will be very much interested in claiming short term disability if I could. Can I ask a doctor to certify that I am disabled due to job burnout?

No, you don't claim disability for the job burnout, you claim disability for the psychological consequences of burnout. It's the same way you don't claim disability because of a car accident, you claim disability because of the broken spine from the car crash.

If you are unable to do your job due to psychological issues, you go to your doctor and tell them about your current psychogical state and how it's making it impossible for you to do your job.

It doesn't matter if your job caused it, the death of a loved one, an undiagnosed brain injury, or an ongoing chemical imbalance. If you can't do your job, you can't do your job.

[Metalcat]

An update: Talked to HR and they want me to take a 3-week break and then come back. I told them there is no guarantee that I will return after 3 weeks. This made them squirm. They told me to think it over the weekend, but my resignation letter is ready to be sent to make the departure final.

I am done. Thanks everyone.

Sometimes it takes a little permission from strangers on the internet to feel okay doing what you know you need to do.

Good job. Welcome back to your life.

[WSUCoug1994]

An update: Talked to HR and they want me to take a 3-week break and then come back. I told them there is no guarantee that I will return after 3 weeks. This made them squirm. They told me to think it over the weekend, but my resignation letter is ready to be sent to make the departure final.

I am done. Thanks everyone.

Congratulations!!!!!  Your courage inspires me.  Now go take lots of naps with that beautiful baby of yours.

[Fresh Bread]

Oh wow, congrats! I can almost feel the weight coming off your shoulders.

[draco44]

Funny how they immediately shifted from a limit of one instance of leave per 12 month period (???????) to you totally being able to take a month off if you "really" need the time. That must have been a satisfying meeting.

Enjoy your weekend! And life!

[nirodha]

Are you going to use the 3 weeks of leave before providing the notice letter? Is there a downside to that?

FWIW - I went through a similar experience (minus the financial windfall). I used FMLA. I came back and gave it another try. Things only got worse. I ended up leaving 2 months after returning from FMLA. Beyond the offer of additional leave, there was offer of working part time, defining my own role, etc. Be prepared for those.

Were I to do it again, I'd still take the slow exit. It was definitely more mentally traumatic, but it gave me time. I made use of my benefits. I confirmed beyond any doubt the choice was correct. I prepared for the next phase of life. I was able to unwind relationships within the organization at my pace. I could help the people I wanted to help. I enjoyed speaking my mind with zero concern over repercussions. Etc.

I encourage maximizing your options.

[dacalo]

Are you going to use the 3 weeks of leave before providing the notice letter? Is there a downside to that?

FWIW - I went through a similar experience (minus the financial windfall). I used FMLA. I came back and gave it another try. Things only got worse. I ended up leaving 2 months after returning from FMLA. Beyond the offer of additional leave, there was offer of working part time, defining my own role, etc. Be prepared for those.

Were I to do it again, I'd still take the slow exit. It was definitely more mentally traumatic, but it gave me time. I made use of my benefits. I confirmed beyond any doubt the choice was correct. I prepared for the next phase of life. I was able to unwind relationships within the organization at my pace. I could help the people I wanted to help. I enjoyed speaking my mind with zero concern over repercussions. Etc.

I encourage maximizing your options.

Thanks for sharing your experience. No, I don't think there is a downside to taking the 3-week break and deciding not to return as long as I am totally transparent upfront about a good chance that I won't return after the break. It's definitely tempting and I do have the weekend to think it over.

[Kris]

An update: Talked to HR and they want me to take a 3-week break and then come back. I told them there is no guarantee that I will return after 3 weeks. This made them squirm. They told me to think it over the weekend, but my resignation letter is ready to be sent to make the departure final.

I am done. Thanks everyone.

This is awesome! Huge congrats!

[Aethonan]

And so you end up making decisions from a place of fear and scarcity, instead of joy and abundance.  You allude to this yourself in how you feel about pulling the plug on paid work - afraid and feeling like you don't have enough security yet.

OP, thank you for bringing your dilemma to the group.  Vulnerability is bravery.  SimpleCycle, thank you for your wisdom. 

OP, one thing you haven't mentioned is what you want to do without the structure of a job.  As someone who could theoretically walk away, but feels those twingings of guilt you describe, I wonder if part of the struggle is having a defined plan for what makes you valuable/meaningful without this (destructive/toxic) job to set out your worth.  THAT seems like the value of a therapist... or livingafi.com.

[Dreamer40]

Wow, big move made! Whether you ultimately quit now or later this year, welcome to the 2021 cohort. :) Taking those 3 weeks to decompress a little might help you feel more confident with whatever you end up doing. But I get it. I reached a burnout point in January that wasn’t even as severe as yours. I knew I couldn’t do the job anymore under any conditions. It took me about a week to feel certain resigning was the right call. I hope you feel peace soon.

[Metalcat]

And so you end up making decisions from a place of fear and scarcity, instead of joy and abundance.  You allude to this yourself in how you feel about pulling the plug on paid work - afraid and feeling like you don't have enough security yet.

OP, thank you for bringing your dilemma to the group.  Vulnerability is bravery.  SimpleCycle, thank you for your wisdom. 

OP, one thing you haven't mentioned is what you want to do without the structure of a job.  As someone who could theoretically walk away, but feels those twingings of guilt you describe, I wonder if part of the struggle is having a defined plan for what makes you valuable/meaningful without this (destructive/toxic) job to set out your worth.  THAT seems like the value of a therapist... or livingafi.com.

I personally think that when someone is fresh off of burnout, the last thing they need to worry about is what they're going to take on next.

It's actually a huge part of burnout recovery, learning to stop making doing shit an identity.

[dacalo]

And so you end up making decisions from a place of fear and scarcity, instead of joy and abundance.  You allude to this yourself in how you feel about pulling the plug on paid work - afraid and feeling like you don't have enough security yet.

OP, thank you for bringing your dilemma to the group.  Vulnerability is bravery.  SimpleCycle, thank you for your wisdom. 

OP, one thing you haven't mentioned is what you want to do without the structure of a job.  As someone who could theoretically walk away, but feels those twingings of guilt you describe, I wonder if part of the struggle is having a defined plan for what makes you valuable/meaningful without this (destructive/toxic) job to set out your worth.  THAT seems like the value of a therapist... or livingafi.com.

There are a lot of things I want to do. Spend more time with our kids. Go on walks with them, read together, and play with toys.

I want to start running again. I completed my first half marathon about a year ago and I need to get back in shape for a full one. Start lifting weights.

Read all the books I have deferred.

Pick up violin and piano again.

Pick up gardening. We just had our yards redone.

My video game backlog is huge.

Learn new things via Khan Academy, especially coding for fun.

Start a blog about our journey.

This is just the beginning...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Adventine]

And so you end up making decisions from a place of fear and scarcity, instead of joy and abundance.  You allude to this yourself in how you feel about pulling the plug on paid work - afraid and feeling like you don't have enough security yet.

OP, thank you for bringing your dilemma to the group.  Vulnerability is bravery.  SimpleCycle, thank you for your wisdom. 

OP, one thing you haven't mentioned is what you want to do without the structure of a job.  As someone who could theoretically walk away, but feels those twingings of guilt you describe, I wonder if part of the struggle is having a defined plan for what makes you valuable/meaningful without this (destructive/toxic) job to set out your worth.  THAT seems like the value of a therapist... or livingafi.com.

There are a lot of things I want to do. Spend more time with our kids. Go on walks with them, read together, and play with toys.

I want to start running again. I completed my first half marathon about a year ago and I need to get back in shape for a full one. Start lifting weights.

Read all the books I have deferred.

Pick up violin and piano again.

Pick up gardening. We just had our yards redone.

My video game backlog is huge.

Learn new things via Khan Academy, especially coding for fun.

Start a blog about our journey.

This is just the beginning...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Those all sound like great ideas. Congratulations on the start of your new life.