Aging step-father who's always angry!

[kork]

As my step-father gets older, he's getting angrier.

We've never had a close relationship. He and my mom got together during a very horrible divorce between my mom and dad when I was 12. My dad was violent and my step-dad was there to move in and make sure we didn't lose the house.

Everyone who saw my step-dad from the outside thought he was charismatic, joyful and pleasant. He was witty and smart and was full of charm.

But when we came home at the end of the day, he was often different. He would become a different person. He would be angry and frustrated. It's 30 years ago so I don't remember specifics, but I do remember tension.  But he was busy so it wasn't as bad.

Since then, he's tried to retire, but couldn't. He needs to remain busy. He can't be present with the family. The problem is that he's angry...  all...  the...  time! He's always making sarcastic and my youngest daughter has asked him to stop calling her names. He has stopped.

As a kid, I used to wonder if it was home life that made him angry. He's super charming in the "real world" but when he comes home he's different. It must be my bother and my fault. Maybe it's the fighting? Maybe it's the school struggles?  Maybe's it's his ex-wife or his kids.

But now, at 72, he drinks all the time, he's not pleasant to be around, he's often angry and it seems to be because nobody wants to work with him. His relationship with his own children is luke warm at best but it's complicated. His relationship with his kids children (so his grand children) also struggles. He's kind of scary to them. He's always calling people names or belittling them. But he's hyper focused on work, work, work and then gets mad when people don't offer to help all the time. Sorry, we're busy with out own lives as well!

And when I say work, he's pruning trees to death. A little off here, and a little off there and before you know it, the tree is mostly gone and sick! And the 50 year old tree is now almost bare. He's hyper obsessing about things that don't really matter to most people.  A few years ago we were doing something and Hamburgers were being served up.  He couldn't even eat a burger because he was hyper focused on being present on the work being done. He wasn't even doing the work, but he was so frazzled he couldn't take time away to grab a bit to eat from the BBQ.

My mom and I talk often about it. She's fed up with him. His health isn't great (alcohol and high blood pressure among other issues.)

I don't know how to effectively deal with it.

My youngest daughter asked my mom a couple years ago "Why do you stay with Papa?" after he said something to my mom in the car that was offensive.

Is this something that most men go through? When do they become pleasant again? Is there any way to help? I wish this wasn't affecting me, but I feel like it's partly my responsibility to help him, but I don't know how?

[oldladystache]

Why does she stay with him? Good question.

[lhamo]

Sounds to me like a lifetime of untreated/unaddressed mental health issues that he tried to address unsuccessfully through addictive behaviors (workaholism, self-medicating with alcohol).  Those strategies typically only mask the underlying pain which then comes out sideways -- in his case through abusive behavior toward those closest to him.  Will likely not be easy to address, much less change.  Since you aren't close and since his behavior is so unpleasant, it would not be easy, but you could start by trying to get closer and see if he will open up about what is going on with him.  Maybe start with trying to engage him in a healthier activity you could enjoy together -- long walks, for example.  Ask him about himself, especially his childhood, etc.  Maybe if he feels closer to you he will start to open up about what is going on with him, and what the roots of his issues are.

If your mom has any energy left and has not tried this kind of thing, you might suggest it to her, too.  His mental health isn't really her responsibility, but the fact that it is in the toilet makes her life miserable, too, so it might be worth trying to see if she can support him in some way to get help. 

[Morning Glory]

Is he willing to see a doctor and try medication or counseling? That would be the first place I would start.

[kork]

My mom doesn't really let it affect her. She's by nature an optimistic person. She's got an emotional barrier up so that his nonsense doesn't affect her wellbeing very much.

She remains with him, I suspect, because of the finances.  In your 70's, it's easier to combine finances and share a house and other costs.

My mom is actually fine in this. She's made her peace. It's myself who's struggling with it.

He is on medication for anger.  He once went to anger management therapy and felt it was a waste of time. It's not in his character to go on walks. In 30 years, our relationship is what it is, but I still feel somewhat responsible for his wellbeing, especially if we (his family) is part of why he is the way he is?

[kork]

Sounds to me like a lifetime of untreated/unaddressed mental health issues that he tried to address unsuccessfully through addictive behaviors (workaholism, self-medicating with alcohol).  Those strategies typically only mask the underlying pain which then comes out sideways -- in his case through abusive behavior toward those closest to him.  Will likely not be easy to address, much less change.  Since you aren't close and since his behavior is so unpleasant, it would not be easy, but you could start by trying to get closer and see if he will open up about what is going on with him.  Maybe start with trying to engage him in a healthier activity you could enjoy together -- long walks, for example.  Ask him about himself, especially his childhood, etc.  Maybe if he feels closer to you he will start to open up about what is going on with him, and what the roots of his issues are.

As he's getting older, it's definitely led me to ask the exact same thing - mental illness trying to be addressed through addictive behaviours.

I don't think that I want to get any closer. I think I'm the closest I could be. 30 years is how long it's taken to be where we're at. Getting any closer would just get me closer to the fire. I can't tolerate it like my mom can.

[Villanelle]

If your mom is genuinely okay with it, then I'm not sure what problem you are trying to solve.  You say you feel like it is your responsibility to help him.  Help with what?  And why would it be your responsibility?  Is the problem that you are sad for him because he seems unhappy?  Or sad for your mom even though you say she's okay with it?  Or something else?

Set a boundary to that it doesn't overly affect you, since it seems his moods have a significant affect on you.  Maybe most of the time you spend with your mom (and your kids spend with grandma) is outside her home, with just her if that's what you need to be away from behavior that  negatively affects you.  Other than that, I'd stay entirely out of it and work on reminding myself why it wasn't my issue to address or fix. 

[SunnyDays]

Yes, some psychological issues for sure.  I wouldn't be surprised if he had an abusive childhood, with a similar type of father.  I  have a relative with a personality like that, for exactly that reason, and he became abusive to his family as well, and became an alcoholic and TV addict.  It would be wise to keep kids away from him.  But if the right opportunity comes up, it might be informative to drop a quiet "You must have had a really rough childhood to be so angry all the time.'  Typically, anger is met with anger, rather than compassion, so this could possibly get him to open up.

[wenchsenior]

Sounds to me like a lifetime of untreated/unaddressed mental health issues that he tried to address unsuccessfully through addictive behaviors (workaholism, self-medicating with alcohol).  Those strategies typically only mask the underlying pain which then comes out sideways -- in his case through abusive behavior toward those closest to him.  Will likely not be easy to address, much less change.  Since you aren't close and since his behavior is so unpleasant, it would not be easy, but you could start by trying to get closer and see if he will open up about what is going on with him.  Maybe start with trying to engage him in a healthier activity you could enjoy together -- long walks, for example.  Ask him about himself, especially his childhood, etc.  Maybe if he feels closer to you he will start to open up about what is going on with him, and what the roots of his issues are.

If your mom has any energy left and has not tried this kind of thing, you might suggest it to her, too.  His mental health isn't really her responsibility, but the fact that it is in the toilet makes her life miserable, too, so it might be worth trying to see if she can support him in some way to get help.

THIS.

My father has longstanding personality disorders (OCPD, mainly, and some narcissistic personality disord that was milder). He also fell into alcohol use disorder as he aged b/c some of the life structure that helped him cope with the undiagnosed disorder fell away. Also, some of the traits of his PDs that were helpful in younger life stages were distinctly counter productive for later life stages so his mental disorders got worse.

I will warn you, though. If it's actually personality disorders and/or addiction, those (esp the former) are incredibly hard to treat. The best an outsider can do is encourage professional therapy, and even that often doesn't work. (It helped my dad but only to a point).

[kite]

Shortest possible answer:  Al-Anon

Little bit longer:
You can't change another person.  It's difficult enough to change yourself, especially with regard to stopping drinking. Al-Anon isn't going to fix him, but it is going to let you (your mom) know that you aren't alone and that there is an entire world of people struggling with the same sort of issue. Just knowing you aren't alone will do wonders. You might even get practical suggestions. 

Full answer:
I'll run out of characters.
I had a big long story describing this exact same stuff in my own extended family. I deleted. Because the long/short answer is you can't fix it.  The specifics in my own family are just details that are eerily similar and also irrelevant.. The most important thing you can do *appears* to be what you are already doing. You are raising a daughter who speaks up. At the end of the day, you have to live with your conscience. Long after his death, your conscience can handle a narrative that goes: He was battling his demons with alcohol & taking it out on his family. He missed out on so much joy in the process. What will haunt you all the rest of your life and wear on your conscience is if your children learn to perpetuate or tolerate verbal abuse, name calling & belittling. Despite our best efforts, we often mimic all the behaviors modeled to us. Applaud your daughter for speaking up. Keep encouraging her to speak her mind, stand up for victims and boldly confront bullies.
And Al-Anon.  Check them out. Take your Mom.

[Log]

Certain pieces of this description brought to mind my own dad, and I feel for you.

I personally have simply decided it's not my problem or my responsibility to try to change his attitudes that have been entrenched for decades. The most I care to do is simply tolerate his behavior to the extent that I have to in order to maintain my relationship with my mom.

[UlrichvonLichtenstein]

This is my ex-stepfather. A combination of alcoholism, depression and narcissism. It will not get better and the only thing you can do is limit your time around him. We successfully convinced my mom to finally divorce him and life is so much better without his negative presence around. My siblings and I had some very frank conversations with her about how his verbal abuse, drinking and attitude were no longer acceptable to be around. That was enough motivation for her to pull the trigger and get with a lawyer (two decades late) and live out her retirement in peace.

[kina]

I'm surprised noone has suggested dementia, especially Alzheimer's, which affects people differently but often includes increased anger. The obsession with the tree trimming seems to point in that direction. My concern is with your mother's safety, not just with her well-being. The anger could very well manifest itself in physical abuse. Although you say she has made her peace, please tell her of your concern and that she can come to you if she ever needs to escape.

[wenchsenior]

I'm surprised noone has suggested dementia, especially Alzheimer's, which affects people differently but often includes increased anger. The obsession with the tree trimming seems to point in that direction. My concern is with your mother's safety, not just with her well-being. The anger could very well manifest itself in physical abuse. Although you say she has made her peace, please tell her of your concern and that she can come to you if she ever needs to escape.

Good point. There's a lot of things it could be.  I mentioned personality disorders b/c both OCPD and OCD (entirely different disorders despite similar names and some overlap in some symptoms) can definitely manifest as something like the tree trimming thing, as well. ETA: And workaholism is a classic OCPD symptom (obsession and fixation on it, and esp on little details that are inefficient or not very consequential [missing the forest for the trees type of focus]).

[vand]

Eh, I think it's just called "being an asshole."

Some people are just assholes no matter what impression they give to the outside world. They have a right to be an asshole, but that doesn't mean that those in the firing line have to put up with it, either.

[Log]

I'm surprised noone has suggested dementia, especially Alzheimer's, which affects people differently but often includes increased anger. The obsession with the tree trimming seems to point in that direction. My concern is with your mother's safety, not just with her well-being. The anger could very well manifest itself in physical abuse. Although you say she has made her peace, please tell her of your concern and that she can come to you if she ever needs to escape.

Good point. There's a lot of things it could be.  I mentioned personality disorders b/c both OCPD and OCD (entirely different disorders despite similar names and some overlap in some symptoms) can definitely manifest as something like the tree trimming thing, as well. ETA: And workaholism is a classic OCPD symptom (obsession and fixation on it, and esp on little details that are inefficient or not very consequential [missing the forest for the trees type of focus]).

Yeah, the obsessive tree-trimming just totally checks out as behavior from someone who's "hyper focused on work, work, work and then gets mad when people don't offer to help all the time."

Not to say it absolutely couldn't be dementia/Alzheimer's, but there's no reason to jump to that conclusion when this is totally typical behavior for the kind of person who's obsessed with keeping busy, but has been forced by age to finally retire.

[kork]

Interesting observations and thank-you for the input so far.

I should clarify, I don't feel like I'm responsible for him. I do feel that, as part of his immediate family, I'm partly responsible for how/what he's become.

It's at the point where if he needs help with something, it becomes a <groan> event because he makes it miserable. If you don't do something his way, he calls you a name. The anger, the swearing, the general misery.

And so people don't want to help. And so maybe, he looks at me (and others) as being lazy. That's further from the truth, but perhaps that's what he's thinking. My energy is spent on things such as taking the kids to swimming or violin lessons.  The leaves can wait.

He's currently wanting to install gutter guards. THERE ARE NO LEAVES ON THE ROOF! And so he asks my brother, my brother says no and then he's pissy because people don't want to help.  At least, that's what it seems like. Then he's bitter and takes it out on my mom.  But my mom is not a pushover. She's perfectly capable of handling his crap, until he get's physical. There's no reason to believe that's the case, but dementia and Alzheimer's has been mentioned and makes me weary.

Or maybe it has nothing to do with the work?  Maybe he's just a miserable person now? As posted by Vand... Maybe he's just being an asshole? The world has done him wrong and everything is changing around him in ways he doesn't like and he's not willing to change so anger is allowing him to feel like he's in control.  I dunno?

[DutchGirl]

Sorry to hear this! Yes, I feel that some people (most often men) get grumpier as they grow older, and they seem to become more intolerant to other opinions or to things not going their way. I don't know what that is. A little bit of it can indeed be less mental flexibility as you age.

Perhaps for your stepfather, when he was younger and working, during the day he was keeping up appearances and then at night with his family he felt like he could drop the mask. Leaving you, the people he should actually care about (but did he, really?), with the worst parts of his personality.

This is not your fault. There is Something Wrong with him (a psychiatrist, maybe a neurologist, could perhaps give a diagnosis, if your stepfather were to fully cooperate with the diagnostic process), and there is not much you can do to change that. Not thirty years ago, not twenty years ago, and not now. The only person who can change this is he himself, and I don't think there is enough incentive for him to change things.

I am a bit sad that your stepfather will probably in the end have had a not so satisfactory life with less fun and less love than he could have had, due to his mental issues that he failed to address in time. But again, that is not your fault.

[kork]

I am a bit sad that your stepfather will probably in the end have had a not so satisfactory life with less fun and less love than he could have had, due to his mental issues that he failed to address in time. But again, that is not your fault.

2000-2010 was a very good time for my parents. They were living abroad, my brother and I had moved out (well, I had, my brother was back and forth trying to figure stuff out), working and making tons of money and having a lot of fun.  Hanging out with work friends and every day was a social event that often went into the evenings. But that ended.

[ADDED: I asked my mom and she said "He was happier because he was a big shot"]

I don't recall if he was pleasant or not because we lived here and they lived there, but it looked like life was grand. They ended up moving back for grand-kids (which was largely for my mom). That might have been part of the beginning of the misery. It's certainly gotten worse over the past few years.

He's always been a provider. He's always worked, worked, worked. He's not a bad person at all. In fact, for the longest time I looked up to him and respected him as a role model.

[Kris]

What do you think would happen if you sat down with him and said, “Hey, no one wants to be around you or help you out now because you’re mean and insult everyone. It’s driving everyone away from you. Maybe you could stop treating people like shit and see what happens.”  Bluntness met with bluntness.

[Zamboni]

The angry old man telling neighborhood kids to get off his lawn is common enough that it is a stereotype.

My advice is to keep your boundaries firm and try to do things with your Mom that he is not interested in joining as often as possible. I'm glad he stopped calling your child names, as that is completely out of line. Otherwise, make peace with the fact that you can't change him, and your Mom is not interested in leaving him. So put on your "neutral face" and try to support your Mom as you can.

[Villanelle]

Interesting observations and thank-you for the input so far.

I should clarify, I don't feel like I'm responsible for him. I do feel that, as part of his immediate family, I'm partly responsible for how/what he's become.

It's at the point where if he needs help with something, it becomes a <groan> event because he makes it miserable. If you don't do something his way, he calls you a name. The anger, the swearing, the general misery.

And so people don't want to help. And so maybe, he looks at me (and others) as being lazy. That's further from the truth, but perhaps that's what he's thinking. My energy is spent on things such as taking the kids to swimming or violin lessons.  The leaves can wait.

He's currently wanting to install gutter guards. THERE ARE NO LEAVES ON THE ROOF! And so he asks my brother, my brother says no and then he's pissy because people don't want to help.  At least, that's what it seems like. Then he's bitter and takes it out on my mom.  But my mom is not a pushover. She's perfectly capable of handling his crap, until he get's physical. There's no reason to believe that's the case, but dementia and Alzheimer's has been mentioned and makes me weary.

Or maybe it has nothing to do with the work?  Maybe he's just a miserable person now? As posted by Vand... Maybe he's just being an asshole? The world has done him wrong and everything is changing around him in ways he doesn't like and he's not willing to change so anger is allowing him to feel like he's in control.  I dunno?

It sounds to me like he makes you feel bad or uncomfortable because of the things he says and the ways he treats you.  And you want to fix him to that this stops happening.  You can't.  You can only work on the boundary.  The part of this equation you can control is how you let his comments get to you, and how frequently you subject yourself to his presence and therefore to the potential for comments. 

You can chat with your mom and see if she thinks there a possible for dementia or similar issues.  Encourage her to try to get him to get evaluated if it seems like a possibility.  But even if that's the case, you can't force her to try to get him to get help, and you can't force him to get help.  If he does get physical with your mom, then you can potentially contact elder care agencies or similar, or have different conversations with her.  Until then, beyond mentioning that it is worth considering, you can't change either one of them. Focus on your boundaries and your reactions to his comments instead. Whether this is addiction, a personality disorder, a mental illness, or just a guy who is kind of an asshole, the answer is still to focus on the part of it you can control, especially since you mom is okay with the status quo. 

[use2betrix]

I’m currently halfway through “I Don’t Want to Talk about It: Unlocking the Secret Legacy of Male Depression.”

I’d highly suggest it to you or anyone close to him that may want to get a better understanding of what could be going on. Major bonus points if you could get him to read it, and seek some help.

Other than that, hopefully you don’t feel obligated to see him since he clearly doesn’t seem happy with others being around. Possible to find ways to see your mother without him being around?

[AMandM]

As a kid, I used to wonder if it was home life that made him angry. He's super charming in the "real world" but when he comes home he's different. It must be my brother and my fault. Maybe it's the fighting? Maybe it's the school struggles?

I do feel that, as part of his immediate family, I'm partly responsible for how/what he's become.

IMO, you should work on relieving yourself of this burden. It is not your fault that your stepfather is angry, and you don't owe him anything (attention, submission, help with chores) as compensation.

I know it's easy for an internet stranger to say, but I think your best approach is to disengage as soon as he starts insulting you or your mother, calling you names, etc. In a neutral tone, say, "I'll be happy to help/talk/watch TV with you when you can speak politely" and walk out of the room, stop helping with the task, or leave altogether. Every time, as soon as it starts, always neutral rather than angry or accusatory. FWIW my husband did this with a milder case, a vert sarcastic relative, and it only took a few weeks before the relative stopped being sarcastic to him.

Good luck!

[GilesMM]

I would not spend time with him. I definitely would not expose my kids to him. They can see grandma separately.

[Bruinguy]

You are not responsible for what he has become.

Each member of a family is responsible for how they, themselves, show up in the family. No exceptions.

That was his responsibility when you were a kid and it is still his responsibility now.

[kork]

Thank-you all for your thoughts an opinions. It's often hard to see some things when you're emotionally involved.

It's hard to see people making decisions but in the end, you're right, it's his life, his choice.

Last year, my wife was helping him do something. She was such an ass it upset her and she's one of the ONLY remaining people that will work with him still. My mom told him he upset her (he usually throws up in hands in a dismissive way) but in this case he addressed it and apologized.

Calling him on his BS just results in the rest of the world being wrong.  I do like the idea of walking away and saying "I'll come back when the name calling and unpleasant behaviour ends"

[Adventine]

I have an aging father who also deals with anger and alcoholism, and who has lashed out at his family over many years. He has alienated most people in his life. It's an ongoing drama.

One painful lesson I learned from dealing with such people: if someone says sorry, but doesn't actually change the behavior that offended the other person, they aren't genuinely sorry.

[slappy]

Sounds a lot like my seven year old to be honest...He is diagnosed ADHD, which goes far beyond simple inattentiveness. What you are describing is the type of adult I am afraid he will become, and the kind of adult that we do have in our family, so I don't feel my fears are unfounded. I'm learning that ADHD is incredibly nuanced and includes difficulty with emotional regulation among other things. We have a full nueropysch eval scheduled for him in the coming months, but I can't imagine that type of thing would work for your step father. I agree with what others that it's not your problem and it's not an easy fix. If your mom isn't willing to do anything about it, then it's really not your problem. All you can do is distance yourself from him. Of course, if things turn physical with your mom, you will want to intervene. We have an adult in our life that is similar to what you have described and he is married as well. She puts up with him for some reason, so we just let them live their life and we live ours. We don't have a relationship with them, which is a bummer because it's a sibling, but it is what it is.

[jeninco]

To follow up on something @Adventine and @GilesMM have said: your primary job here is to protect your own children. If he's lashing out at them, please be sure they're not spending time with him. As has been mentioned, they can visit with your mom without him (and if this isn't possible, then I suggest you start investigating HER safety further, as that's a red flag for spousal abuse).

At some point when my kids were small, I realized that I didn't feel I could keep them (emotionally -- we're talking about verbal abuse and gaslighting) safe from my father, and in talking with my husband, we agreed that the kids really didn't need to have a relationship with that person. The next night, I woke up suddenly and thought "I could protect me, too!" and was flooded with a wave of relief.

We've barely spoken with him since then, and it's been, I dunno, the better part of a decade? Sometimes the best thing you can do is keep your kids and yourself safe.  Whatever you decide, remember that this is an option!

[tyrannostache]

This is so hard, kork.

[Edited for privacy--had second thoughts about sharing my relative's issues without their knowledge, as I'm not totally anonymous here.]

[kork]

Thank-you all for your sharing.

My step-father puts on a great front to the public. Doctors think he's Mr. Wonderful and he "sells" his way through all situations.

He's not abusive.  My mom doesn't put up with his crap.  My daughters have limited direct contact with them. The name calling was something he's always done.  Calling them "rotten children" but jokingly.  My youngest daughter works hard to be a good human so the name really bothered her. She asked him to stop, he did.

But the OCPD is really checking out. He checks nearly all of the boxes with pretty solid checks!

[PMG]

I’ll just comment on you saying that he is not abusing because your mother doesn’t put up with crap.  That does not mean he is not abusive.  If he is constantly cruel and degrading to her and she is constantly defending herself, that is abuse and surely must be exhausting for her. She might not recognize it as abuse, and might not want to take any further action, but you could offer her a new way to look at his treatment and support her in valuing herself. No one deserves to walk on eggs shells all the time, especially in their own home.

[wenchsenior]

Thank-you all for your sharing.

My step-father puts on a great front to the public. Doctors think he's Mr. Wonderful and he "sells" his way through all situations.

He's not abusive.  My mom doesn't put up with his crap.  My daughters have limited direct contact with them. The name calling was something he's always done.  Calling them "rotten children" but jokingly.  My youngest daughter works hard to be a good human so the name really bothered her. She asked him to stop, he did.

But the OCPD is really checking out. He checks nearly all of the boxes with pretty solid checks!

One of the deadly traps of OCPD is that, in certain environments/contexts, it actually helps people excel in some areas of their lives. My dad was super successful at work and in a lot of  professional arenas. He was charming and widely liked in a general social sense (until/unless person to person conflict developed, which it really didn't very often except in personal relationships).  OCPD is at its root an anxiety disorder about lack of control over unknowns and about all things that are not cleanly black and white in terms of authority, structure, morals, etc. Since men are conditioned to not express fear or anxiety, this usually translates into anger at everything instead of overt fear. And the more scared something makes them the more enraged they get.

People with OCPD are also usually convinced that however they want to do something is 1) the best way/only appropriate way; and 2) that no one else can possibly do it properly.   They are often very attached to their own view of themselves as 'better at things' and view all their own OCPD traits as positive, so when asked to re-examine them (e.g., by loved ones or during therapy) it is often so extremely threatening to their sense of self that they will cut that person off entirely rather than do so.

[kork]

I’ll just comment on you saying that he is not abusing because your mother doesn’t put up with crap.  That does not mean he is not abusive.  If he is constantly cruel and degrading to her and she is constantly defending herself, that is abuse and surely must be exhausting for her. She might not recognize it as abuse, and might not want to take any further action, but you could offer her a new way to look at his treatment and support her in valuing herself. No one deserves to walk on eggs shells all the time, especially in their own home.

I've considered this, and no, he's not abusive. He's just unpleasant to be around. My mom doesn't walk on eggshells. Quite to the opposite.

Currently, it's not my mom I'm concerned about or my children. I'm concerned about him. He seems to be on a trajectory towards getting worse and his new(ish) aging physical obstacles make it so he can't do the work and as such, he's gets frustrated because nobody wants to join him in his irrational necessity to "make work."

But there's no cure for OCPD.  There's no medications and from what I'm reading, people who suffer from it can't see that they suffer from it. They think the rest of the world is wrong.  So with that, I just need to limit it.

[iris lily]

Interesting observations and thank-you for the input so far.

I should clarify, I don't feel like I'm responsible for him. I do feel that, as part of his immediate family, I'm partly responsible for how/what he's become.

It's at the point where if he needs help with something, it becomes a <groan> event because he makes it miserable. If you don't do something his way, he calls you a name. The anger, the swearing, the general misery.

And so people don't want to help. And so maybe, he looks at me (and others) as being lazy. That's further from the truth, but perhaps that's what he's thinking. My energy is spent on things such as taking the kids to swimming or violin lessons.  The leaves can wait.

He's currently wanting to install gutter guards. THERE ARE NO LEAVES ON THE ROOF! And so he asks my brother, my brother says no and then he's pissy because people don't want to help.  At least, that's what it seems like. Then he's bitter and takes it out on my mom.  But my mom is not a pushover. She's perfectly capable of handling his crap, until he get's physical. There's no reason to believe that's the case, but dementia and Alzheimer's has been mentioned and makes me weary.

Or maybe it has nothing to do with the work?  Maybe he's just a miserable person now? As posted by Vand... Maybe he's just being an asshole? The world has done him wrong and everything is changing around him in ways he doesn't like and he's not willing to change so anger is allowing him to feel like he's in control.  I dunno?

You are not responsible for what he has become. This is the second time you mention it.

You were, and are his CHILD. You have limited responsibility and even more limited authority to get him help. Other than your very human and kind interest in his hurting soul, you don’t have much to claim here as involvement.

[wenchsenior]

I’ll just comment on you saying that he is not abusing because your mother doesn’t put up with crap.  That does not mean he is not abusive.  If he is constantly cruel and degrading to her and she is constantly defending herself, that is abuse and surely must be exhausting for her. She might not recognize it as abuse, and might not want to take any further action, but you could offer her a new way to look at his treatment and support her in valuing herself. No one deserves to walk on eggs shells all the time, especially in their own home.

I've considered this, and no, he's not abusive. He's just unpleasant to be around. My mom doesn't walk on eggshells. Quite to the opposite.

Currently, it's not my mom I'm concerned about or my children. I'm concerned about him. He seems to be on a trajectory towards getting worse and his new(ish) aging physical obstacles make it so he can't do the work and as such, he's gets frustrated because nobody wants to join him in his irrational necessity to "make work."

But there's no cure for OCPD.  There's no medications and from what I'm reading, people who suffer from it can't see that they suffer from it. They think the rest of the world is wrong.  So with that, I just need to limit it.

Correct. Ongoing therapy with a cooperative subject can help, but usually it's somewhat indirect. For example, people with OCPD tend to be less symptomatic when their overall stressors are lower, and they get more symptomatic when stressors are high for which they have poor other coping skills. So sometimes they benefit from getting therapy to develop alternative coping skills/tools. But even then, and even when they recognize that their worldview and behavior are harming their own life and relationships, and even when they make progress (which my father periodically did), then a big stressor (of which life is inevitably full) will tend to cause them to back slide.

I had a very touching and sad convo with my dad once, when he was deep in therapy (about 4 or 5 years in) and he'd come to recognize how problematic his OCPD traits were in his retired life. And he was weeping on the phone with me, asking, "But if this is abnormal, and I try to change it, I won't even be anybody any more! Who would I even be?!"

Personality disorders are very tough and create sad situations, for sure.

ETA: Sometimes anti-depressents or anti-anxiety meds help with OCPD.

[Gerard]

I wonder, too, if there may be age-related "angering" (rooted in fear?) that isn't necessarily dementia or long-standing large-scale psychological disorders. I see some of this in my aging family members, across the gender spectrum.

We can do less stuff than we used to. We have more aches. We have to face the possibility that we won't be able to do all the things that were going to be part of our lives. We have to renegotiate our relationships with younger relatives. Some folks feel like the world has moved on and left them behind. We have less energy to devote to not being assholes.

I see a lot of things like "jokey" put-downs becoming less jokey than they used to be, and classic "kids today, grumble grumble" stuff from people who 20 years ago would have been mortified to see themselves turning into this.

I realize none of this is necessarily helpful for the OP, but I thought it might be useful somewhere. Maybe only for me to fight against these traits in myself as I age.

[Freedomin5]

Everyone else has given great advice. I would add that you should consider keeping all your kids away from him. Even if he calls them names in a joking way and they don’t seem to mind, you don’t want to normalize the behaviour or have your kids become desensitized to those types of comments. It makes them more vulnerable to being abused in the future because they learn that the people who say they love you show their love by joking with you at your expense. You don’t want your kids to learn that this is a normal or acceptable way to treat those you purportedly like.

[Just Joe]

Sounds to me like a lifetime of untreated/unaddressed mental health issues that he tried to address unsuccessfully through addictive behaviors (workaholism, self-medicating with alcohol).  Those strategies typically only mask the underlying pain which then comes out sideways -- in his case through abusive behavior toward those closest to him.  Will likely not be easy to address, much less change.

Agreed. I have a relative that is just like this. Been like this for a couple of decades that I've known him. Gets better, gets worse. Always aloof. Alcohol makes it worse. Their spouse likes to keep a brave face about it all. Social media posts praising their marriage to outsiders. They are together partially b/c he's said he would kill himself if they divorced (as I recall) and frankly I don't think they could afford to live apart.

Most men I've known in my life mellow out with age presumably as testosterone levels fall a little. I wonder if this guy just lacks any way to engage the world except through his job? Wonder if you could redirect him to fitness topics? Lifting? Or some outdoor hobby like fishing? Golf?

I wish you success.

[jeninco]

Everyone else has given great advice. I would add that you should consider keeping all your kids away from him. Even if he calls them names in a joking way and they don’t seem to mind, you don’t want to normalize the behaviour or have your kids become desensitized to those types of comments. It makes them more vulnerable to being abused in the future because they learn that the people who say they love you show their love by joking with you at your expense. You don’t want your kids to learn that this is a normal or acceptable way to treat those you purportedly like.

I can't support this enough. Please make sure you don't in any way communicate to your kids that this behavior is acceptable for anyone, even by default by your actions.

[torso2500]

Everyone else has given great advice. I would add that you should consider keeping all your kids away from him. Even if he calls them names in a joking way and they don’t seem to mind, you don’t want to normalize the behaviour or have your kids become desensitized to those types of comments. It makes them more vulnerable to being abused in the future because they learn that the people who say they love you show their love by joking with you at your expense. You don’t want your kids to learn that this is a normal or acceptable way to treat those you purportedly like.

co-signed. Name calling is abuse. Belittling is abuse. Period. It's more important to foster an abuse-free environment for ones' children than it is to attempt to fix someone else, someone who doesn't appear to be receptive to boot

[Chris Pascale]

Is this something that most men go through? When do they become pleasant again? Is there any way to help? I wish this wasn't affecting me, but I feel like it's partly my responsibility to help him, but I don't know how?

My dad passed away at 55 after a lifetime of health problems, and you'd never guess he had troubles. You might say, maybe he didn't have troubles, but he took a stress test when he was 49, and the doctor freaked out. My dad said, "I don't feel any different than I normally do," and he was soon getting a quadruple bypass. He always seemed content, despite always being in debt, and even when the SEC brought him to trial - mid-quadruple-bypass while I was like, 'this is probably a good time to join the Marines' - despite proving his innocence during the preliminary findings.

My mother has been dating a retiree who is about 75 for the past 10 years. He is active, calm, and a very nice man. In the past 5 years he's had several surgeries, but is still calm and kind. They appear to get irritated with each other at times, and I think they even have arguments, but I have never ever seen them disrespect each other, and I've never seen them lose their temper (only their patience a little), and this is all while providing care for my grandmother, who is approaching 100.

ETA: I've never even heard the guy curse.

[eyesonthehorizon]

Sounds a lot like my seven year old to be honest...He is diagnosed ADHD, which goes far beyond simple inattentiveness. What you are describing is the type of adult I am afraid he will become, and the kind of adult that we do have in our family, so I don't feel my fears are unfounded. I'm learning that ADHD is incredibly nuanced and includes difficulty with emotional regulation among other things. We have a full nueropysch eval scheduled for him in the coming months, but I can't imagine that type of thing would work for your step father. I agree with what others that it's not your problem and it's not an easy fix. If your mom isn't willing to do anything about it, then it's really not your problem. All you can do is distance yourself from him. Of course, if things turn physical with your mom, you will want to intervene. We have an adult in our life that is similar to what you have described and he is married as well. She puts up with him for some reason, so we just let them live their life and we live ours. We don't have a relationship with them, which is a bummer because it's a sibling, but it is what it is.

Slappy, I know a lot of people with diagnosed ADHD, only a couple are abusive assholes. I know a lot more abusive assholes like the above-described who do not have ADHD. Being emotionally disregulated doesn’t mean taking anger out inappropriately, it mostly means just having much stronger experiences than other people; the choices a person makes are still their own choices, subject to things like maturity or immaturity & the expectations to which they are expected to live up. I hope you can shift the spector of their ill-behaved ancestors off your kid - for your sake & that of the kid - while continuing to support them as they develop that maturity to cope with just having bigger, faster-moving feelings than their body is ready to handle. Kids, with unfinished neurological systems, getting it wrong is also a very different thing from adults who were never enforced into showing any restraint & also made the choice to let their feelings be everyone else’s problem. Your choice to let natural consequences fall on the jerk in your family is not just healthy for you, it is great modeling for your child.

Late to OP’s question, but anyone who can control it when there are consequences for not controlling it, like at work, but who doesn’t control it when it’s aimed at their family & especially those a generation or two down, is making the choice not to control it. That is a deliberate, selective abuse. Even if it is more difficult for them to control it than for other people, they have demonstrated a clear pattern of where they do & do not behave themselves.

No, this is not “something most men go through.” It is however something a lot of men are tolerated to do. That’s also a choice which the rest of us can choose to stop making, which can lead to them exercising that demonstrated ability to behave, & thus a better life for everyone. That’s “when they become pleasant again.”