Author Topic: A cult leader  (Read 9856 times)

luigi49

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 291
A cult leader
« on: July 28, 2017, 01:15:09 PM »
I have been telling my 2 kids about mustachian since they were in elementary and throughout high school.  They both understand it.  However my girl who is now 18 and went to college last year, she came back for summer a changed person.  She thinks I am brainwashing her and she started spending her money on what she wants.  In 2 weeks she just spend her school money on iphone 7, macbook pro, victoria secret, and pink.  I just bought her a dell laptop last year..  She paid $45 for a macbook pro case too.  She thinks that I am following a cult.  She uses that phone almost 24/7 texting.  One year I let my daughter experience college and this is what I get back. 

Lanthiriel

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 803
  • Location: Portlandia
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2017, 01:25:17 PM »
I have been telling my 2 kids about mustachian since they were in elementary and throughout high school.  They both understand it.  However my girl who is now 18 and went to college last year, she came back for summer a changed person.  She thinks I am brainwashing her and she started spending her money on what she wants.  In 2 weeks she just spend her school money on iphone 7, macbook pro, victoria secret, and pink.  I just bought her a dell laptop last year..  She paid $45 for a macbook pro case too.  She thinks that I am following a cult.  She uses that phone almost 24/7 texting.  One year I let my daughter experience college and this is what I get back.

Sounds like someone needs to start paying rent while she's home for the summer, car insurance, and phone bill at a minimum. Maybe also her room and board costs at college next year.

Bicycle_B

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1809
  • Mustachian-ish in Live Music Capital of the World
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2017, 01:34:44 PM »
Private college?

VoteCthulu

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 409
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2017, 01:37:29 PM »
Part of being free is the freedom to make bad choices. Sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them fail, as hard as that is.

plantingourpennies

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 443
  • None.
    • Money, Kittens, Happiness
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #4 on: July 28, 2017, 01:40:58 PM »
Lol, this is great. Stop trying to control your kids ffs.

You said it's her money, so let her buy the damn mac book and whatnot.

If she thinks you're in a cult, you're probably taking this thing too far.

luigi49

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 291
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #5 on: July 28, 2017, 01:43:05 PM »
state school but in a high cost of living area.  One million dollar homes for a small ranch house

sol

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8433
  • Age: 47
  • Location: Pacific Northwest
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #6 on: July 28, 2017, 01:52:55 PM »
Is she paying her own way through school?

If yes, then good for her and let her spend her money however she wants.  If not, then just explain that your frugal ways are the very thing that has allowed her to go to college in the first place, but now that she apparently has all of this extra money to waste you're going to save for your own retirement instead of her school bills.

I would have absolutely no hesitation about financially cutting off one of my own kids who displayed such profligacy.  "Congratulations on your success, kid, I see you don't need me anymore and I'm very proud."

Lepetitange3

  • Guest
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #7 on: July 28, 2017, 02:00:44 PM »
And this is why the kids get to pay their own way thru school like we did

luigi49

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 291
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #8 on: July 28, 2017, 02:02:29 PM »
Is she paying her own way through school?

If yes, then good for her and let her spend her money however she wants.  If not, then just explain that your frugal ways are the very thing that has allowed her to go to college in the first place, but now that she apparently has all of this extra money to waste you're going to save for your own retirement instead of her school bills.

I would have absolutely no hesitation about financially cutting off one of my own kids who displayed such profligacy.  "Congratulations on your success, kid, I see you don't need me anymore and I'm very proud."

I asked her how are you going to pay all this.  She said student loans. I dont care if Ihave student loans.  12 years of my teaching gone after one year of college.  Who says going to college is good?

Lepetitange3

  • Guest
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #9 on: July 28, 2017, 02:05:14 PM »
Let her.  It is good.  She will learn this with student loans she will have to repay vs other debt later. 

inline five

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 675
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #10 on: July 28, 2017, 02:08:09 PM »
A lot of this stuff is just ingrained in you as a kid. I have always been a saver ever since I can remember. My parents were the opposite.

I don't think it can really be taught, it has to be an ornate thing.

You did your best but the more you support the more she will spend on her own. It sucks but time to cut them off and experience the real world. IMO.

My parents supported me in college but I hustled.
« Last Edit: July 28, 2017, 02:12:08 PM by inline five »

Shrike

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 10
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #11 on: July 28, 2017, 02:11:00 PM »
Good for her. In my view, an instinctual aversion to group-think is a far more important quality than frugal predilections.
 


VoteCthulu

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 409
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #12 on: July 28, 2017, 02:11:46 PM »
Ask to take her picture so you can submit it to one of the many sites like this:
https://www.revealnews.org/article/in-debt-and-out-of-hope-faces-of-the-student-loan-mess/

SimpleSpartan

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 101
  • Location: Washington
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #13 on: July 28, 2017, 02:13:49 PM »
I graduated high school with $10,000. Blew through about 2,000 of it very quick on clothes, eating out. My frugal parents were shocked, but let me make those decisions .
After years of saving I'll admit it felt good. However that thrill of buying/eating out did not last long and I quickly fell back into my old habits.

What's always held me back from blowing it all is the dream of ERE sipping a cold beverage on a beach in Costa Rica on a Tuesday in January.

You might not be able to control every $100 purchase she makes, but if you can have her focus on the big picture she will get there eventually. 

prognastat

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 781
  • Location: Texas
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #14 on: July 28, 2017, 02:20:55 PM »
Good for her. In my view, an instinctual aversion to group-think is a far more important quality than frugal predilections.

Honestly it sounds more like a reversion to group-think than an aversion to it. But they are her mistakes to make as long as she is paying for it herself.

sol

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 8433
  • Age: 47
  • Location: Pacific Northwest
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #15 on: July 28, 2017, 02:21:07 PM »
I asked her how are you going to pay all this.  She said student loans.

That's fine, as long as she understands that she is effectively paying twice as much as the purchase price for everything she buys, due to accumulated loan interest. 

She's probably smoking weed and having sex, too.  College is all about being independent for the first time and testing your boundaries, and as a parent all you can do is stand back and let it unfold.  Tell her she's always welcome at home and offer her as much emotional support as possible to deal with the fallout of any bad decisions.  You can express your concern for her well-being, and be available as a safety net, but you have to accept that you no longer have any control.  And I would absolutely cut off all of her financing until she decided to be more responsible.  Don't let her bad money decisions drag you down, too. 

If it makes you feel better, you can set aside all of her regular school funding in a separate account to help pay off her loans in the future if she comes around.  Just don't spend anything at all on her for now, while she is wasting your money.

BabyShark

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 290
  • Location: Virginia
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #16 on: July 28, 2017, 02:30:54 PM »
College is all about being independent for the first time and testing your boundaries, and as a parent all you can do is stand back and let it unfold...

Exactly. She's an adult who gets to make bad decisions. She'll figure it out, you just have to trust her.

luigi49

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 291
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #17 on: July 28, 2017, 02:42:16 PM »
She has 2 great part time job now she is just ruined her relationship with one by not showing up so she can hang out with friends and go to theme parks on work days.  When does this craziness end?

Shrike

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 10
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #18 on: July 28, 2017, 02:44:28 PM »
Good for her. In my view, an instinctual aversion to group-think is a far more important quality than frugal predilections.

Honestly it sounds more like a reversion to group-think than an aversion to it. But they are her mistakes to make as long as she is paying for it herself.

I see your point and would agree from my point of view where mindless consumerism is a bogeyman. 

From her point of view, if she's experiencing un-invited sermons about how she should change her ways and follow this great way of life that some random dude on the internet and his cabal of preachy minions has convinced her parents is the one true path and all she has to do is give up a lot of the things that she thinks makes her happy, then yeah... I can see it as an aversion for her.

kayvent

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 633
  • Location: Canada
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #19 on: July 28, 2017, 02:47:21 PM »
There have been many great responses in this thread and I concur with them wholeheartedly.

In my past and present, a lot of my financial mistakes came up because of ignorant. Simply not knowing better. It's possible OP's daughter is the same way. OP has been frugal for 10, 20, or more years. Depending on how this is expressed, the kid can actually get a skewed prospective. They may see that spending money is fine; it doesn't cause debt. They never see the pain of having a eighth of a paycheque going to debt. They may not see that wealth is finite; if an emergency or expense or a moment of spontaneity occurs, their parent always had money to endure it.

inline five

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 675
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #20 on: July 28, 2017, 03:00:28 PM »
She has 2 great part time job now she is just ruined her relationship with one by not showing up so she can hang out with friends and go to theme parks on work days.  When does this craziness end?

Sounds like she's enjoying life a little. I got fired from a job in college for skipping out on a day to spend the night with chicks I met at a theme park! TOTALLY worth it too.


mxt0133

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1547
  • Location: San Francisco
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #21 on: July 28, 2017, 03:08:49 PM »
Sorry to hear about your daughter.  This post resonates with an author's premise about helicopter parenting, unfortunately I forgot which book, and how studies show that in the short-term, yes parents have a measurable effect on their children's behavior and attitudes.  However, once the children are on their own there is no correlation in how they turn out compared to their parents.  In terms of successful relationships, financial behavior, or career choices no matter how much a parent tries guide, teach, and show them what they think is correct, in the long-term it's a crap shoot on how the kids will turn out.

Unfortunately there really is not much else you can do at this point but let her take responsibility for her actions and try to minimize the impact of her decisions consequences on you and the rest of your family.

Out of curiosity, did you give her a choice on how to spend her own money before college?  It seems odd that once she left for college she was so easily influence by other people.  If she has been making her own financial decisions at a young age I can't imagine what would make her do a 180 just because other people are doing it.  But again she is still maturing and might still come around, just be there for her and try your best not to judge.


RedmondStash

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1114
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #22 on: July 28, 2017, 03:24:58 PM »
FWIW, when I was a kid, I was a more profligate spender than sibling or parents. My parents worried I'd never learn financial responsibility, even though I started working at 17-18 between school years, and I worked multiple part-time gigs all the way through college. I paid for half of my college costs with scholarships; parents paid the other half out of pocket, leaving me with no debt, for which I'm immensely grateful.

Impulse control is hard when you're young. I wasn't crazy with money; I was responsible, but I did live more freely then. As I grew older, all the parental lessons & modeling about avoiding debt, living within your means, buying even big things with cash, saving 20% (or more) of each paycheck, etc., sank in. Spouse & I are now not far from FIRE. I'm far less materialistic as a more mature adult than I was as a newly fledged one.

As kids grow into adults, they need to defy, experiment, and try on different personas to see which ones fit them best. Your daughter may not be done yet, and she may not stay in a spendy space forever.

CheapScholar

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 564
  • Location: The Midwest
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #23 on: July 28, 2017, 03:36:22 PM »
Early retirement or extreme savings rates aren't for everyone.  My kid is 8 but if he wants to spend a lot when he's 18 that's up to him. 

I'd be upset if he went into CC debt or made really stupid decisions.  Not everyone wants to put 18K into 401ks every year.  Heck, if he put a few extra grand into savings per year he'd be ahead of most Americans.

You need to prepare for the possibility your daughter spends the money she earns and that she might pick a partner who also lives like most Americans and spends the vast majority of earnings.

MasterStache

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2912
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #24 on: July 28, 2017, 03:37:25 PM »
I am doing my best to teach my kids about the value of saving vs spending. I constantly encourage them to save 50% of whatever they make. My youngest gets it better than my oldest. Since my oldest is a teenager and understands Math, I try to break it down on that sort of level. I hope they take some of the lessons I am teaching and apply them, but I am fully prepared they will likely just spend how they see fit. I am a big fan of letting kids figure it out on their own. You can only provide them with so many skills and a good foundation. They have to do the rest.

If they do well pat them on the back. If they don't just offer encouragement and let them figure it out.

luigi49

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 291
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #25 on: July 28, 2017, 03:43:23 PM »
Sorry to hear about your daughter.  This post resonates with an author's premise about helicopter parenting, unfortunately I forgot which book, and how studies show that in the short-term, yes parents have a measurable effect on their children's behavior and attitudes.  However, once the children are on their own there is no correlation in how they turn out compared to their parents.  In terms of successful relationships, financial behavior, or career choices no matter how much a parent tries guide, teach, and show them what they think is correct, in the long-term it's a crap shoot on how the kids will turn out.

Unfortunately there really is not much else you can do at this point but let her take responsibility for her actions and try to minimize the impact of her decisions consequences on you and the rest of your family.

Out of curiosity, did you give her a choice on how to spend her own money before college?  It seems odd that once she left for college she was so easily influence by other people.  If she has been making her own financial decisions at a young age I can't imagine what would make her do a 180 just because other people are doing it.  But again she is still maturing and might still come around, just be there for her and try your best not to judge.

Not really, we opened a savings account (mutal fund) for her and told her we are putting it away for her future, whether it be college or a nest egg when she graduates from college. She did spend some stuff but not much.

surfhb

  • Guest
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #26 on: July 28, 2017, 05:08:56 PM »
You probably are obsessed with MMM.     Like me, you think about money and ER waaaay too much.   

You're daughter is probably right.

BTW.....$ 45 for a Mac Case is a pretty frugal choice :)

Kriegsspiel

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 962
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #27 on: July 28, 2017, 05:34:58 PM »
She comes back from college and just wants to buy some shit? Bro, it could have been much worse. She could have come back and spouted off about trigger warnings and safe spaces and other silly things.

But in all seriousness, it really just sounds like your brainwashing game is weak. Don't fret that she's too old now, brainwashing has been effective in humans much older than 18. Study up and implement. Let us know how it goes.

andreamac

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 76
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #28 on: July 28, 2017, 05:44:30 PM »
I agree with most others, let her make her own mistakes without affecting you or the rest of the family and hope she comes around before she gets herself in too much of a mess. I would definitely not sign for any of her loans etc. The more you push the more she will rebel so try to be calm but also don't say "I told you so" if she comes to you after the fallout. I would go with a "real life is hard but there are consequences to your actions" etc.

Sibley

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7428
  • Location: Northwest Indiana
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #29 on: July 28, 2017, 06:15:02 PM »
OP, your baby isn't a baby anymore. You blinked, and now she's legally an adult and determined to do things her way. You've got 2 choices: let go and let her learn, or try to control her.

Option 2 isn't going to end well. Option 1 has much better odds.

You might take up another hobby to distract you from the process.

Pigeon

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1298
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #30 on: July 28, 2017, 06:15:14 PM »
I'll bet that if you back off and shut up about it, she'll settle down after a bit.  She's a college kid. I've got one too.  Their brains aren't fully developed and sometimes they make stupid decisions. 

MMM is a little cult-like and some people have it with religious fervor.  Nobody likes to have religion shoved down their throats.  If you've been making her re-use her dental floss and buy her underwear at Goodwill, it's understandable that once she lives with some "normal" people, she might question the One True Church of Penny-Pinching.  It's not a total rejection of you. Let her get a little experience with personal budgets and spread her wings a bit.  You've taught her the fundamentals and she'll probably come back to them.

If she's a good student and is generally hard working, it's OK for her to have a little fun over the summer. 

MrsPete

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3505
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #31 on: July 28, 2017, 07:51:29 PM »
Part of being free is the freedom to make bad choices. Sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them fail, as hard as that is.
Yeah, people learn from mistakes.  I'd sit her down ONCE and tell her that you're only going to discuss this ONCE ... and show her the math for the long-term choices she's making.  Show her that taking out loans now may well mean moving back home after college.  Show her that borrowing may mean the difference between taking the job she really wants vs. taking the job that's within commuting distance from your home.  Then bite your tongue and let her do what she's going to do. 

When she started college, did you tell her how much you were going to pay towards her education? I hope so.  Assuming she's passing classes /moving towards graduation, keep paying that much ... and no more.  Hold up the agreement you made, but do not save her from her financial mistakes. 

I don't think it can really be taught, it has to be an ornate thing.
Disagree.  Otherwise how would we hear stories about spouses who've taught the other? 

From her point of view, if she's experiencing un-invited sermons about how she should change her ways and follow this great way of life that some random dude on the internet and his cabal of preachy minions has convinced her parents is the one true path and all she has to do is give up a lot of the things that she thinks makes her happy, then yeah... I can see it as an aversion for her.
On the one hand, the vast majority of 18 year olds (well, maybe she's 19 now) aren't really adults in a functional way, so it's hard to take her views too seriously; however, on the other hand, if she's using terms like "brainwashing", you may've been coming on too strong.  You can take a good idea and ruin it by pushing it too hard.  None of us actually know.

Out of curiosity, did you give her a choice on how to spend her own money before college?  It seems odd that once she left for college she was so easily influence by other people.  If she has been making her own financial decisions at a young age I can't imagine what would make her do a 180 just because other people are doing it.  But again she is still maturing and might still come around, just be there for her and try your best not to judge.
I agree that kids need experience managing their own money before they head out to college; however, yeah, kids are influenced by other people -- it's part of being immature.  You say she understands your spending philosophies; they're in her brain.  She may have to cause herself some trouble first, but she has the knowledge.

anonymouscow

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 155
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #32 on: July 29, 2017, 07:07:01 AM »
I feel your pain. My girlfriend has a 19 year old, spends all his money he makes at his one day a week job in fast food and is using up all the saving my girlfriend put in for him. I have tried typing out all the other things about the situation but it is just making my blood boil. I have no idea what to do. Good luck.

SachaFiscal

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 275
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #33 on: July 29, 2017, 10:27:34 AM »
When I went to college and got my first job I went a little spend crazy and wracked up some debt that I didn't fully pay off until my late twenties. I grew up in a frugal household and rebelled against all that and wanted to live like a baller (buying drinks for my friends at expensive clubs). Then I realized I didn't want to work for the rest of my life at a stressful job and changed my ways. I know implement a lot of what my parents taught me growing up and it has helped me immensely. So she may make a few mistakes but hopefully will come around eventually to the mustache side of life.

YttriumNitrate

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1836
  • Location: Northwest Indiana
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #34 on: July 29, 2017, 01:56:39 PM »
Lessons learned through the school of hard knocks are retained far better than any university instruction. It's good that your daughter is going through this phase right now rather than in a few years when she, as Dave Ramsey would say, can do stupid with zeros behind it.

Laura33

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3479
  • Location: Mid-Atlantic
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #35 on: July 29, 2017, 03:02:07 PM »
So you've taught her about saving.  What have you taught her about spending?  Does she know what rent costs, what power/water/phone bills cost, how much college is costing, what her likely entry-level salary will be, what any student loans will cost?  Does she understand how to tell a good deal from a bad one or distinguish a need from a want?  Have you given her insight into your own decision-making process when you have to choose between the present and the future?  IOW, did you lecture her about how spending on frivolous things is bad and force her to save her money?  Or did you give her information to help her learn to make good choices, and then give her the space to practice on her own?

IMO it is not reasonable to expect a grown human to do what you want her to do simply because you have told her to do it.  At this age, it is her job to define herself as an independent adult, which means in some cases rebelling against what she has been told and finding her own way.  Usually, kids abuse their freedom, go too far, and then ultimately find their way back to something more reasonable.  But they are more likely to do that if they have the experience and background to understand *why* that is the better choice.

At this point, signaling your disapproval of her choices isn't going to fix anything; in fact, it's more likely to push her to double down on the spendy path.  Just give her the information she needs to evaluate each choice, and then give her room to make her own choices -- even when they are wrong.  And then let her feel the consequences of those choices.  Some kids just need to learn the hard way.

Oh: but whatever you do, don't co-sign for a student loan for her.  She can be stupid on her own dime; you don't need to assist her in that effort.

FINate

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3114
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #36 on: July 29, 2017, 03:07:07 PM »
I agree with most people that you can't control your adult daughter, however, that doesn't mean you have to subsidize her profligate lifestyle.

The reason you built up a college fund for her is so she wouldn't have to take out loans and graduate with debt. She's shitting on your generosity by taking out loans to spend on frivolous things while your hard earned cash pays her bills. I would cut off the funds and tell the school to send the tuition bills to her.

If she's going to take out school loans then she can use those to pay for school. And I wouldn't reserve the funds to pay off her loans later down the road...I would reinvest the funds for myself or take a trip or some other expense that I had put off all those years while saving.

In other words, let her be the adult she wants to be.

Bicycle_B

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1809
  • Mustachian-ish in Live Music Capital of the World
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #37 on: July 29, 2017, 08:42:08 PM »
She has 2 great part time job now she is just ruined her relationship with one by not showing up so she can hang out with friends and go to theme parks on work days.  When does this craziness end?

Rehab!

Joking aside, she is clearly exploring.  She has decided "Wow, mom and dad don't know everything.  The world is so much more exciting than they said it was."  As other posters noted, she will decide how far to go and will learn from her mistakes.  Not working two jobs is similar to spending money - could be financially suboptimal, but is a bold exploration for her.  It ends when she concludes the consequences are worse than the game.

One time I visited my hometown after college.  To a Friend of My Parents, I remarked how much more peaceful my relations with parents had become.  Friend replied  "Parents get much smarter after 21."

mxt0133

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1547
  • Location: San Francisco
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #38 on: July 29, 2017, 10:39:04 PM »
OP's experience has solidified my stand on encouraging the kids to go to a local community college first before going away for college!

All jokes aside it must be what adolescent Amish kids experience whey they go away and experience life outside of their community.  Where they get to decide if they want to come back to their community or explore the world.

One thing I do have to agree with the OP's daughter is we are a cult, but a cult that aims for financial freedom and for some having a smaller negative impact on the environment.  It could be worse.

dreams_and_discoveries

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 924
  • Location: London, UK
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #39 on: July 30, 2017, 07:39:20 AM »
Don't wont to derail the thread, but it irks me that society bundles more niche, less mainstream groups as cults.....and cults are dangerous.

However religion is all good, and much preferable to a cult.

Anyway, in reference to your daughter, I'm in the we've all got to make our own mistakes, and our own way in life.... your daughter has a long life ahead, and she may become more Mustachian, or she may prefer a more regular and spendy life - I see both as valid options that adults can choose; I certainly know my preference.


Lyssa

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 483
  • Location: Germany
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #40 on: July 30, 2017, 08:44:04 AM »
Let her make her own mistakes.

Support her not more but also no less than her siblings. Contrary to a few posters above I feel strongly that you support all your children to the same extent independent of their decisions (absent an addiction or other extreme circumstances that you have not indicated). To support frugal son with xyz dollars a month and give the spenthrift child nothing amounts to bullying and trying to control their life choices through your wallet. Not cool. Also creates resentment among siblings.

Give her exactly as much or as little as the others and let her make her choices. And if it comes to that let her suffer the consequences. Better to financially screw up with 18 than with 30 and to learn early.

MrsPete

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3505
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #41 on: July 30, 2017, 09:51:38 AM »
OP's experience has solidified my stand on encouraging the kids to go to a local community college first before going away for college!
Community college may well be the best choice for your children, but I don't think it'll help with this particular issue.  Your kids will still have first-time jitters when they're learning to manage their own money. 

Support her not more but also no less than her siblings. Contrary to a few posters above I feel strongly that you support all your children to the same extent independent of their decisions (absent an addiction or other extreme circumstances that you have not indicated). To support frugal son with xyz dollars a month and give the spenthrift child nothing amounts to bullying and trying to control their life choices through your wallet. Not cool. Also creates resentment among siblings.
Well put.  If you've promised to pay X towards each child's education, pay X.  It's up to them how they use the opportunities afforded them. 

obstinate

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1147
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #42 on: July 30, 2017, 01:12:40 PM »
People often go through a period of rebellion against their parents' ideals. I'm sorry that you're going through this, but it's really quite normal. You cannot control what she does, so if you don't want to alienate her, you'll respectfully disagree and let her make her own decisions.

rdaneel0

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 646
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #43 on: July 30, 2017, 01:34:44 PM »
You need to back way off. If it's her money it's none of your business how she spends it.

She already knows what you think about pretty much everything because you raised her, so if she's doing the opposite it's because she either disagrees with you or just wants to try something different. She's also only in her late teens-early 20s. If there's a time to buy a stupid expensive laptop, get fired from a crappy job, or prioritize partying over longterm financial planning...it's then. 

My parents also tried like crazy to control every decision I made as a young adult, even though I was completely independent from them financially. They felt they were just being helpful by giving constant unsolicited advice about my relationships, jobs, money, etc. I found it supremely insulting and annoying, and it caused major problems. It took years for them to finally back off and it was exhausting dealing with them. I dreaded our conversations, and I rarely took their advice because I had a different world view than they do.

kayvent

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 633
  • Location: Canada
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #44 on: July 30, 2017, 06:02:32 PM »
One important thing hasn't been mentioned. MMM has called his following the cult of mustachianism.

lol

retireatbirth

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 260
Re: A cult leader
« Reply #45 on: August 02, 2017, 05:57:09 PM »
What is she majoring in? Does she have STEM aptitude? If you could steer her towards CompSci, Stats, Eng, or Math, she'll ultimately be fine financially and will probably find a smarter group of friends to influence her. If she's majoring in Art History, she may end up poor.