How to opt out of Christmas?

[frugledoc]

My wife and I have been trying to break out of the christmas present circle for a few years but keep getting pulled back in due to family resistance.

There are now 10 kids and 6 adults in the family circle.  Most of them are passionate present buyers and receivers and have not taken previous attempts to stop or reduce the madness well.

We also don't want excess stuff for our own daughter who is 1.5 years.

We don't want our daughter to grow up thinking she will get loads of gifts for every birthday/christmas but are also worried that if we put our foot down now she will feel left out when she is older if her other cousins etc. are still getting lots of gifts from extended family.

How should we approach this without causing family strife?  A pre-prepared email would be much appreciated!

PS: we have tried the charitable donation option in the past but this was also resisted

[MissStache]

When you say resistance is it a casual "Oh ok!" and then you get gifts anyway, or was it more direct than that?   And how firm are you being?  Are you just casually mentioning that some people don't want to exchange gifts or are you flat out saying that you don't want to be part of the gift exchange?

[Cranky]

You can't control other people, only yourself.

Some people love giving gifts, and will actually be hurt should you refuse them.

Compose a thoughtful letter about your values, rather than about money per se. Let your family know that you will be doing XYZ for the holidays (hosting a meal? going caroling? making charitable donations? only giving handmade or consumable gifts?) and that you hope they will be supportive.

[Welshrabbit]

What about suggesting something along the lines of giving to charity in the family's name?  My family and I do this and every year I make a donation to the Human Fund in their name.

[FlashRiot]

We've attempted a few different things - some work better with certain people.

For all my siblings & siblings-in-law, we've chosen to go out for meal around the holiday time together instead of buying gifts.  Maybe not saving money necessarily, but we all live in different cities now and would all rather spend time together having a meal than looking for gifts that we don't know we will even like.

For my mum and sister, we have opted to skip on gifts except for one small token gift.  Last year we all found a scarf for one-another - it's cheaper but you can still find something to their tastes.  My sister and I are trying to steer away from this altogether, but we found this was a way to ease our mom into the 'no gifts' option instead of her trying to surprise us with gifts every year even though we said 'no'.  Bonus for last year - half the scarves were hand-made as we got into crochet.

For friends, we have a potluck and all bring meals and treats to spend time together. 

Our extended family does a gift exchange - you buy one gift and we play that game of stealing/taking the gifts until they're all gone.  We set a max of $20.  It's more about the fun of the activity, so while my sister has opted out, I decided to stay in as the family loves it.  I usually end up with something like candles/fancy lotions that I wouldn't bother buying myself but can be fun to receive.

For your child - could you maybe ask for gifts of activities for her? Tickets to the zoo/ice skating show/movies?  As Cranky said, the people who like to give gifts would still get that joy but you aren't stuck with a bunch of cheap toys and instead have great day trips for the year.

[BrandonP]

That is a tricky one.

How much do you spend on each person on average would you say?

[RunHappy]

I had to do this with my first child.  She was the first grandchild and had several uncles and 3 sets of grandparents who just doted on her.  Her birthday was also 2 weeks after Christmas.

One year she between Christmas and Birthday she received over 150 presents, well over $1000 spent.  There were several duplicates, but no one would give me a receipt to return it.  We ended up donating the majority of them.

I finally put my foot down and told everyone this had to stop. I went so far as to even set a price and present limit each one was allowed to send, which may have been overstepping my parental authority, but it worked.  The grandparents coordinated better with what each other was getting and subsequent holidays and birthdays were more reasonable.

Had I known about 529s back then I would have asked then to spend half of what they budgeted on a present and put the other half in a 529. 

[RangerOne]

There your kids so I say there is not limit on parental authority around such things. You only get a limited window to try to teach your child some of your values you feel will be important to be a successful adult. Don't let anyone, even a grandparent interfere with that.

[SuperSecretName]

How should we approach this without causing family strife?  A pre-prepared email would be much appreciated!

Tell them no presents.  period.

it really is that simple.

you are an adult and not beholden to your family.

[Gone Fishing]

There your kids so I say there is not limit on parental authority around such things. You only get a limited window to try to teach your child some of your values you feel will be important to be a successful adult. Don't let anyone, even a grandparent interfere with that.

Agreed.  The only limit is the law.

[Cassie]

When my kids were at home we had a large extended family & the cost got to be too much. These are the 2 ways we have dealt with this: just give the kids a gift or draw names. So if there are 3 of you only 3 gifts would come from your family.

[HPstache]

One good solution is for the adults to do a gift exchange where each person draws the name of another person thus limiting the present buying to just one.  Same for the kids, draw one name and call it good.  We do this for both sides of our (large) families and it works like a charm.

[Eric]

Announce your newfound allegiance to the Church of Satanism at Thanksgiving.  Problem solved.

[lbmustache]

Announce your newfound allegiance to the Church of Satanism at Thanksgiving.  Problem solved.

LOL!

Yes, a secret santa is the way to go if gift giving has to continue. My family does the dinner thing, I think a meal for 4 of us us (at an average restaurant) is approx $60-$80 (no drinks), including tip. Way cheaper than buying everyone a present.

[BrandonP]

How about making stuff for children/relations.

You get into a new hobby, and are able to give people gifts. Something like pottery perhaps?

Or if people are spending too much, tell them a max amount they should be spending.

I have a pretty strict budget when it comes to Christmas, but I normally do pretty well in the gift buying. If they are ungrateful, well, I won't buy for them again!

[BrandonP]

A big problem with Christmas is the expectations around it. Advertising and peer pressure does not help this.

But I see advertisements where buying an Ipad or Xbox for your father is the norm! It is mind blowing! 100s of dollars on one person.

People spend 1000s. No wonder so many people are in debt after Christmas.

[Bendigirl]

We run away to Mexico.  Even when the kid was still in our home that was our gift to him and us.  Grandparents, my parents, gifted money to our son.  Let's just say the other side of the family were not gift givers....and the few gifts we or our son got were garage sale stuff.  I asked them to stop sending stuff, they didn't fight.
I never even consider gifts at Christmas now.  I hate the hype, the over consumption, the madness!
I'll take a beach in paradise any day.

Good luck to you

[FIRE me]

My wife and I have been trying to break out of the christmas present circle for a few years but keep getting pulled back in due to family resistance.

You could buy well considered reasonably priced gifts for the children only. Then you're not quite the Grinch, but not spending a fortune either.

Let those involved know your intentions in advance, and let them you that you'd prefer not to receive gifts.

[RunHappy]

I was talking with a friend last night.  She has a really large family but her kids are the youngest (most of the cousins are in high school or college).  She asked everyone to limit one gift to either Christmas OR birthday.  This has worked out very well for them.

[Michread]

Stop giving without guilt and in a few yrs they will get it and you will stop receiving those unwanted gifts.  You opt out.

[wordnerd]

I had dinner with a friend last night who has decided to travel every Christmas with another single friend. Last year was Thailand; this year is Peru. Sounds pretty nice. :)

[frugledoc]

One good solution is for the adults to do a gift exchange where each person draws the name of another person thus limiting the present buying to just one.  Same for the kids, draw one name and call it good.  We do this for both sides of our (large) families and it works like a charm.

I think this might actually be acceptable to everybody.  Will suggest it and see how it goes.

[calimom]

Holidays with my extended family were getting out of control, and no one was really having much fun with excessive gift giving, and the kids were being overwhelmed with too much 'stuff', so a few years ago we opted for a name exchange.  The limit is $50, and each child usually ends up with something educational or wearable (and lots of gift cards for the over 13 group).  There is a general rule about whatever is given to each adult is something that is gone before the year is up - consumables, food/wine, or a gift card for a spa or something along those lines.  It's agreed: no decorative crapola or anything from late night TV advertising :)

Works much better, and the whole thing is really about getting together, eating too much for one day, playing games and not about the shwag.

[fa]

We run away to Mexico.... I hate the hype, the over consumption, the madness!
I'll take a beach in paradise any day.

Great idea.  I wish I could leave the day after Thanksgiving and come home on December 26.  The endless consumerism gives me a headache.  It overshadows the family togetherness.

[Ocelot]

Just tell everyone you're opting out and be done with it. I haven't done Christmas since I was maybe 15 - just not interested. Make it clear that you don't want presents and any sent will not be reciprocated. It might take one season for everyone to realise you're serious, but I doubt you'll have issues after that.

[EllieStan]

I haven't succeeded in opting out, yet. Last year, I even cried on the phone telling my mom I couldn't afford to buy presents. I did offer homemade jams and cakes, though, but I felt like I hadto give something. In my family, gift exchange is done in front of everybody. I can't just sit there and smile and open my presents and not give anything back. It triggers my anxiety. I can't tell how how many times I've cried thinking about this. I am not ungrateful, I want to give and treat the people I love, but the $300 I might spend on gifts and hostess gifts for the string of dinners we're invited to, is $300 I can't use to pay off my student loans, or to save in case of emergencies. I don't think it's as bad this year because I am working (though I'll be unemployed during the Holidays), but the previous 10 years, I was a student with barely any disposable income. So yes, paying off loans or making sure I didn't have to take out loans to pay for my groceries in January was more important to me than offering ''stuff'' to my loved ones.

Trying to find a way to escape the cycle this year. I tried to hint I would like to skip this tradition, it didn't work. I told my mom bluntly last year, it didn't work. I have no idea what to do this year.

[Nickels Dimes Quarters]

Yes! to those who simply opted out. I did this years ago by telling the extended family I didn't have the money to participate. They seemed to understand and I have stuck to this. No one can force you to buy a gift. You just have to stop doing it.

NDQ

[Villanelle]

While it depends on your family and situation, I would likely compose a letter and get it out ASAP, because some people start shopping quite early.  It would explain that husband, imaginary DD, and I are refocusing our priorities and trying to change lives, and we want to act to teach DD the value of simple things, as well as the value of money.  We are also striving to declutter and simplify.  In light of that, this year for Christmas, we've decided to give simple home made gifts to everyone on our list.  Our family will be spending the next few months planning thoughtful presents to make for everyone, and then using family time to make them with love and infuse them with meaning.  We encourage everyone to follow suit toward us this season.  We of course understand that we can not dictate what gifts others give to us, and anything we receive will be done so with love and appreciation.  However, because DD has so much stuff, she will be allowed to keep no more than 5 toys of her choice, and we will make a family trip to CharityOfChoice to donate the rest, helping to teach a DD a lesson about the less fortunate.  While of course she loves toys like any 5yo, we are focusing within our family on funding her college fund and on spending time building memories with her. We hope that as the Christmas season draws near, all our loved ones take time from the craziness to love and appreciate one another, and reflect on family, love, gratitude, and the other values truly at the heart of the season, and we look forward to seeing you all and wishing you a merry Christmas. 

People are going to do what they are going to do.  I think it is in poor taste to issue dictates about what you are given, but you can make it clear that you have some preferences and that gifts outside that preferences may not be kept.  What they do with that is up to them.  Again, how this is received will vary based on the people with whom you are dealing.  In my family, if I said, "no more than $25!", it would go over very, very badly, but the above would more or less be tolerated, or even respected.  A few people might still show up with the latest Disney Princess Extravaganza gift, which we would either keep or donate depending on our preferences.