Show people how awesome they are!! - July 2015

[jordanread]

I'm posting this a touch early, but it's a full 31 day challenge for July. I'm posting it this early because I feel that in order to get the full effect, a touch of planning might be required. I had somehow stumbled across a quote from Pierre Reverdy. I haven't read much of his stuff, but the quote below did get my brain working a little.

There is no love; there are only proofs of love. Whatever love I might feel in my heart, others will see only my action.

When I initially read that, I kind of scoffed, because I'm not one of those who believe that the things we think don't exist, or that they are unimportant. And it seems kind of like what that quote says. However, in my journal, I also heard some people show some surprise when I mentioned a few good things about my SO. The comment made was "Way too often all you hear is SO bashing [...] I think more people should sit and appreciate all their SO's do and do things for their SO's that they would appreciate." Even MMM himself has chimed in on this with his Is Mr. Money Mustache Ruining Your Marriage? post. When you combine all of this with my love of the gauntlet section, and some of the things I've been thinking and reading about in regards to my own life, this seemed like the most logical thing to do. I'm going to do it, and I can't see it causing anything bad for anyone else, so here is the gauntlet. The things I'm doing, and the guidelines for the gauntlet are as follows:

Assumptions

• There are people in your life that you care about.                                                       
• Those people are worth the effort you put into this gauntlet.                                           
• While your thoughts and feelings are your own, this is related to actual actions that you are taking.   
• One (or more if you'd like) person will be the focus of this gauntlet.                                   
• You will pay attention to the person as you perform the action.                                         
• You will remember the results, and post here if you want to help motivate others.                       
• You will ask for help if you can't come up with anything.                                               

Guidelines

• Choose your person (or people). No need for real names here on the internet.
• Externalize those thoughts I mentioned above. Why did you choose this person for this gauntlet?
• Explain what you currently do for this person.
• Explain how often you see this person (just in case it's not someone you see daily).
• Think about the kind of things that this person values. Don't assume that what you would like is what they would like.
• No need to share it here, but if lists are your thing, make one with ideas of the things you are going to do for this person.
• These actions you take will be done at least every time you see this person.
• Once the gauntlet is complete, I'd like to hear about the results, and whether a more general post (not tied to a specific month - kind of like the "What did you do today to ..." posts).

Tomorrow, I'll post some additional thoughts about this challenge, along with things that might get your brain kicking as well. The main goal of this is to challenge each other and show that how we appreciate those people in our lives. Nobody is an island, right? I think that the actions that people take will make huge positive leaps forward in all of our lives.

[jordanread]

So there was some conversations that I needed to have prior to commenting here. Making sure that the 'target' of this gauntlet is on board is somewhat selfish, but it can also be valuable.

Guidelines

• Choose your person (or people). No need for real names here on the internet.
• Externalize those thoughts I mentioned above. Why did you choose this person for this gauntlet?
• Explain what you currently do for this person.
• Explain how often you see this person (just in case it's not someone you see daily).
• Think about the kind of things that this person values. Don't assume that what you would like is what they would like.
• No need to share it here, but if lists are your thing, make one with ideas of the things you are going to do for this person.
• These actions you take will be done at least every time you see this person.
• Once the gauntlet is complete, I'd like to hear about the results, and whether a more general post (not tied to a specific month - kind of like the "What did you do today to ..." posts).

• I'm doing this for two people, with a focus on my SO. My little brother has been awesome lately, so I'll add him to it, although it won't be daily.
• I chose my SO for this gauntlet because she has been wonderfully dedicated to me. It hasn't been easy lately, but she still makes a monumental effort to make sure I'm doing okay.
• I used to get her flowers every other week. I'd use what I know about flower arranging to make something super unique for her. I've kind of slacked off in this department, and just recently started realizing the power of hugs ("sources": News In Health, Breaking Muscle)
• I see my SO daily.
• Since I've already made an effort to determine what my SO's Love Language is, I know that she loves when I do acts of service of any kind.
• I have plenty of ideas that I'm not going to mention here, but I'm going to make sure that I let her know everyday how much she means to me, I'm going to (long) hug her multiple times per day, and I'm going to make sure I tell her I Love Her multiple times per day.
• Every time I see her, I will make sure that I give her a hug, make sure that I tell her I love her, and something else from my list.

I also made a few texts and a post today in which I made sure that everyone who has helped me got a proper thank you. When was the last time you did that? It makes me feel better, it makes them feel better, and things are overall awesome.

[Sosilehn]

I believe that would have read something like this.

[SarahMD428]

Hmm, family life has been in upheaval for the last while. I'm a school speech-language pathologist so April, May and June are just terrible for me work wise - think no dinner, no love, no cleaning, no time for the hubby. Then my brother was in a bad car accident resulting in an extended coma and me having to devote most of my time to his affairs on top of being generally depressed. There's additional family drama, but I don't want this to be a pity party. Hubs has been very supportive even though summer is my only time to calm down and reconnect with him; it's possible this will end up being an all-around energy suck of a summer resulting in me being upset and cranky for 18 months straight. I'd really like to do something to focus on him more, you know reward the good one instead of just greasing the squeaky wheel. Any suggestions for someone stretched as thin as me?

[Rosy]

@sarah
Hmm - I'm sure you already know the answer to that question. If you do not take care of yourself, you have nothing to give, because you are already depleted, exhausted, empty, squeezed dry and there is nothing left for you to give.

Living with a person in a perpetual state of crankiness is punishment for both of you and neither one of you deserves to live that way.

We have friends in a similar situation, school/teacher related stress, family drama and the feeling that they have no choice but to continue to live that way  .... at least they insisted there was no other choice and I understand there are compelling reasons. Over time they found ways to cope, she now regularly takes short breaks to fly out to visit with family in another state. She needs those getaways to sustain her through her/their hectic family life and she has learned to say NO to things/family that sap her energy. 

The "gloss over" answer is - make time for a date night with hubby and in theory that is not a bad start. In reality, it is time to re-examine your life choices and initiate changes so the two of you can have a good life together. It is possible.
  Life is too short to simply accept that you will be miserable for months on end.

You said: "I'd really like to do something to focus on him more."  Great start! Try a date night - totally removed from all your stress. Who knows where that will lead - in time perhaps to a real conversation with some new ideas on how to give both of you needed relief? Recognizing something is off is the first step on the road to .....
BTW: Congratulations on having found a good one:) they can be hard to come by - so count your blessings and do what you really want to do - focus on a good life together with him.

[jordanread]

Any suggestions for someone stretched as thin as me?

Rosy had a pretty good response, but I'm going to expand a bit on where I come from with these type of challenges. You are in a good spot to make small things seem much bigger. I've spent a fair amount of time doing research on interactions between people, and I've come to realize a few things. There are a few things to keep in mind. The first is that people have a tendency to take what they would value, and translate/transfer it to the other person. Meaning that one of the best ways to figure out what your husband values is to take a look at what he does for you. It may not be your thing, but it will provide some pretty good insights into what his thing is. Also, the supply and demand part of economics plays a part too. As far as situations go, the awareness of your partner is important too. In your example, obviously time is at a premium (big in demand, short in supply). If he is aware of that, anything you do in which you take a bit of your valuable time and dedicate it to him will be more appreciated. Rosy touched on a couple of important things, but I think you have a decent grasp of that. You may feel that due to life and such you aren't spending a lot of time appreciating him. This says to me that one of they ways you see value is directly correlated to the amount of time and effort someone puts in. This may not be the same thing that he views, but the conversations surrounding that stuff is almost always valuable.

Anecdotal example. My GF values when I do things for her. So this morning, when I'm usually sleeping, I got up and made her breakfast while she was in the shower. All in all, I think there was about 2 minutes worth of work (the pan did the rest) and it was a huge hit. She now knows that she was the thing I thought of when I woke up, and I took action to make something for her. I 'sacrificed' one of my favorite things (sleep), and instead focused on her.

My suggestion would be to take a look at things from a perspective like this. See if you can't determine what he values. Since we are also all about efficiency around these parts, figure out what will take you the least amount of time and effort that he will appreciate the most. It should prevent any feelings of obligation that may crop up, and you both will love it. Check out the link in the second post here for more ways to figure out what he values. The 5 love languages are a bit general, but they do an excellent job of starting that conversation.