Author Topic: Share more  (Read 3621 times)

kisserofsinners

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Share more
« on: February 12, 2013, 12:43:31 PM »
Hi kids!

Inspired by MMM i've been biking to work since Sept. Toward the end of Oct a friend mentioned she's about to start bankruptcy, but she just totaled her car. Buying another hurts her and she was looking for a long term loaner car.

I volunteered. It should be noted that i have very intimate friendships. Short to med term loan of a car isn't something i think of as a big deal for people i feel are adept physically. People who are more cerebral terrify me as drivers. ;o) We've been treating it like co-parenting a kid together. She keeps the car most of the time and i get frequent visits.

The deal:
My side-
I own the car.
I give her a least a few days warning if i want the car.
I don't pay for anything related to the car beyond my annual insurance premium.
I get a semi regular CC transaction for her bridge scans.

her side-
She is proactive about remain in contact with me so we always have a chance to update our schedules.
She keeps the car.
She pays for all maintenance.
She leaves me cash for any bridge scan.
She leaves me with a full tank i never need to refill.
As of this Christmas she's also leaving a gas card in the glove box in case i go through the tank during my visits.
Sometimes she leave me candies in the glove box.

As i mentioned this has been happening now for a few months. That is more or less the time frame i was given for this and i took the chance to think, "What do i need? What do i want? Is this serving me?"

I want a car, but  don't need it to be sure. I don't want to get rid of my car as it's a good little car, paid off and economical. I really like having the car when i want it and not paying a damn thing for it! I'm totally willing to continue this, given out great track record so far, for the next year until we get this house.

I called her Sunday to talk about it. I could tell she was nervous. I'm sure she was thinking, "well it was good while it lasted."

She has been dealing with life. Bankruptcy hasn't even begun. I am so proud of her for seeing that the $100k of the debt that she has isn't reasonable to take on. Even after it's settled she'll have $30k left. I do not use this to lecture her about what i learn here. I'm sharing. I'm paying it forward. I'm helping my friend. I only wish i had told her in person so we could hug it out. :)

I started this thing to help my friend, but it's really helping me so much, too.

So with that i throw down the gauntlet, share more! It's freakin' rad!!!
Peace

tooqk4u22

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Re: Share more
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2013, 01:49:18 PM »
I am glad it is working for you but it sounds like she is getting the better deal.  And honestly I would struggle with doing this with someone who is going through BK and recently totaled their car - and she may not be insurable on her own. 

Not to mention if your insurance company was aware of this you would probably be dropped, incidentally make sure you other drivers are covered under your policy. 

You are bearing all the risk and responsibility and she is getting the benefit.

A car share program like zipcar is probably a better option for you and then you can ditch your car altogether.

Fine if it works - but you should be doing on an informed basis with all costs/risks factored in.

kendallf

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Re: Share more
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2013, 06:02:30 PM »
I'm in the "that's cool" camp.  Good karma.

johnnylighthouse

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Re: Share more
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2013, 09:09:04 PM »
I think thats cool too.  I've previously been in and am currently involved in a similar arrangement.  I've never had a policy that didn't cover other drivers.  At one point we gave a car to a friend for an extended period.  She was involved in an accident and I had no trouble whatsoever from my insurance co.  Currently I'm tending a car for a friend who moved to NYC and doesn't need it.  We're in the process of figuring out whether to add me to his insurance or add the car to mine.  I'm sure we'll sort it out though.

kisserofsinners

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Re: Share more
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2013, 03:45:24 PM »
I am glad it is working for you but it sounds like she is getting the better deal.  And honestly I would struggle with doing this with someone who is going through BK and recently totaled their car - and she may not be insurable on her own. 

Not to mention if your insurance company was aware of this you would probably be dropped, incidentally make sure you other drivers are covered under your policy. 

You are bearing all the risk and responsibility and she is getting the benefit.

A car share program like zipcar is probably a better option for you and then you can ditch your car altogether.

Fine if it works - but you should be doing on an informed basis with all costs/risks factored in.

You're such a face puncher tooqk4u22, thank you. :)

She still has her insurance and mine covers her, too. We checked. We had literally hours of talking out the details of this and making sure we're both comfortable with the limits and rewards. Her debt is mostly medical bills, but i do cringe inside when she's sharing her money woes.

There was a period when i was working 7 days a week and she had my car ready for me every Friday and figured out how to pick it up on her own every Sunday. She's always made it her responsibility to do the legwork. Were it not for this track record of consistency and consideration I wouldn't be looking to continue this for another year. As is, I was able to take a step back from her needs and see how it's good for me, too.

Also, If she totaled my car (gods forbid) I'd be just fine. I don't really need the car at all. This arrangement just makes it nice to keep it anyways. :)

tooqk4u22

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Re: Share more
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2013, 08:17:00 AM »
I didn't mean to beat you up, just wanted to be sure you were understanding the risk.  If I had a friend to do this with I might consider it - although probably not because I have trust issues - but it would be for a friend that I had known a long time and had good understanding of their character. 

Like I said if it is working for you then great.

kisserofsinners

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Re: Share more
« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2013, 09:59:23 AM »
I didn't mean to beat you up, just wanted to be sure you were understanding the risk.  If I had a friend to do this with I might consider it - although probably not because I have trust issues - but it would be for a friend that I had known a long time and had good understanding of their character. 

Like I said if it is working for you then great.

*LikeLikeLike*

kisserofsinners

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Re: Share more
« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2013, 04:55:19 PM »
**share update**

I had called my [car mom] to expand our plans through the end of the year. This is working for me, even if it's not perfect. I got a little wobbly when right after i told her let do this through the end of the year her reply was basically, "great,  haven't really done anything on the Bankruptcy!" Well that left me feeling not so great. It made me realize i was hoping for a friend to share the joys and pains of this financial journey. Feeling like i'd just enabled her to continue to ignore her stuff made me feel like a bad friend. I decided my benefit was worth sticking it out for.

Almost immediately after I called her and lengthened our commitment, she stopped contacting me as often. It had already been trickling off a little and i thought in our last convo i'd said i need more, but i know it can be easy to hear what works for you and not always hear anything else. I do this all the time, so it's no real stretch to see how she could, too. Our interactions became fewer and fewer and almost always at the very last minute.

She left town and i had the car back for about 2 weeks. Again, she must have emailed me as she was boarding the damned plane to come home. I expressed that i need somethings changed. Her response was mostly resistance. That furthered my wobble. I was beginning to feel like maybe this really isn't working for me...

We email back and forth and agree to call Wed, last Wed. It was a week before i heard from her. I was fucking pissed at this point. I felt utterly taken for granted and unsupported. We arranged the drop off of the car for this weekend, but i refused to discuss her pick up until we spoke.

"I'm stressed. It feels like my bowels are about to fall out my ass! I don't know if you realize it's been 6 weeks since we've had our last check in, but it has and I've barely heard from you and this right here is not working for me!" I was very emotional at this point. I get very upset when i just don't know what's going on. It's one of the hardest things for me to manage. There is a very physical reaction when I can't make sense of whatever and my instinct is to real in all my tenderness and GTFO! She listened and asked before giving a response.

"First and most importantly, It's your car. If you need it back for any reason it's yours and I'll bring it to you. Second, I feel like I'm hearing that you're in this with me in a way that i didn't understand before. I didn't realize you wanted to be a part of my journey like that and it's really nice to hear!..."

We talked back and forth for about 30min. We never made any decision about what we're doing next just shared and remained open to each others needs. I had to cut it short as i was at work.

Later she wrote me,
"1- I want to restate my apology for not sharing enough about my BK situation, for not calling on Wed, returning your call on Fri, and just in general, NOT staying in as close contact as you had requested. The one thing we didn't talk about in this call was that you clearly requested early on in our car relationship that I check in with you every other week about YOUR car needs. I dropped the ball on that.
My new traveling life... I am still learning to balance it... and I dropped several communication balls along the way this last trip.
I apologize.

2- THANK YOU for bringing up everything you needed to (and if there is more, pls bring that up, too!) and for calling me first. Even though you were upset, I was STILL happy to hear you. I WANT to know what's going on for you... and I was very glad to hear all of this... how I COULD clear up some things, how you cleared up some things for ME, and how I feel like we are on much similar pages now...

THANK YOU for calling.
Gratitude and respect..."

I still don't know how this is going to end up, but i felt like it would be shitty of me to act like this is all peachy keen. It's taken a little work and it's not easy, but i'd still chose to share.

GoStumpy

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Re: Share more
« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2013, 05:10:07 PM »
Good Luck moving forward!

I'm in a (maybe) similar arrangement with my neighbour, they only have one vehicle, one is retired and one is a tax professional... this time of year the working spouse is gone from 8am til 7pm every day with the vehicle, so I offered the spare keys to my truck if he needs to go out during the day... only thing I ask is to keep the gas tank full :)  It would literally be sitting idle every day anyway!

tooqk4u22

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Re: Share more
« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2013, 10:23:17 AM »
Appreciate the update.

I still hope that it works out nicely for you but at the risk of being a negative nelly - this goes back to the character element.  To me, what you are experiencing is highly consistent with someone can't manage their personal finances, has had accidents, and is heading toward bankruptcy.  If they are that irresponsible with their own lives and things then why would it be better with yours.

Wish you the best.

kisserofsinners

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Re: Share more
« Reply #10 on: March 22, 2013, 04:04:11 PM »
Appreciate the update.

I still hope that it works out nicely for you but at the risk of being a negative nelly - this goes back to the character element.  To me, what you are experiencing is highly consistent with someone can't manage their personal finances, has had accidents, and is heading toward bankruptcy.  If they are that irresponsible with their own lives and things then why would it be better with yours.

I'm grateful for your hard ass'ed perspective. It inspires me to sit and think hard about what's happening here in a way that i simply would not without. I'm a feeler and the hard numbers, facts, and negative outcomes are things i can tend to ignore as i seek light and love. My wife is totally on your side. ;o)

I certainly take your point. When i was sitting with it I had to make sure i wasn't mad at her for living her life the way she wants. It is not for me to judge that. You're totally right that it made me worry that something might come of the car if the worst should happen.... I wouldn't have a car.

Otherwise, I like teaching her at her pace. I'm learning a lot about good listening skills.

In a way it seems as if you're perceiving this as if it's an abusive relationship. I'm being abused, taken advantage, or generally put at risk in some way. It's really hard to say from inside my head if i'm simply rationalizing what i want to believe. If this ends up meaning i get a car filled with gas left at my door every weekend that is then picked up every Sunday with out any need for me to refill or maintain it? DEAL. :) I know i have a softer heart than some here. I'm cool with it.

I knew she could not manage her finances. Further, good lordy sir you don't get to see her facebook updates!!! When she decided to go back to Europe with no notice I was livid! I got my car, but i thought, "holy shit what have a committed to?! This chick is nuts!" Again, It's not for me to judge. These are hard lessons to get into your life. If whatever, she's doing isn't working for me i will get out, but it is working for me.

I'm grateful for your pokes to stir my mind enough for me to be sure.
thanks for playing. :)