NY Times Article About the Psychological Changes of Motherhood

[MrsCoolCat]

Comments, opinions, go!

The Birth of a Mother - NYTimes.com

https://mobile.nytimes.com/2017/05/08/well/family/the-birth-of-a-mother.html?mc=adintl&mcid=keywee&mccr=intmob&ad-keywords=auddevgate&kwp_0=409165&referer=http://m.facebook.com/

[Landlady]

I'm glad the transition to motherhood is being studied since there are many women who struggle with postpartum depression. I was very scared of it since I suspect my mother suffered from it for years after I was born. Turns out I was fine.
In my opinion, motherhood has gotten so unnaturally singular for parents who live far from any extended family. What I'm talking about is our distance from the grandparents, the aunts, the uncles -- "the village" which historically helped raise children is too far away in many cases to offer meaningful help. The first few years are SO physical on mothers. Hello, sleep deprivation, hormones and constantly carrying 20lbs of baby/babystuff. Parents don't just need emotional help, they need actual physical help from people. And the less common it becomes, the less ok it feels for parents to accept help.
Whenever I visit a good friend with a new baby I change the diaper. I don't ask, I just do it if I think it needs to be done. Some people may think this is intrusive, but new parents need to receive this help and be ok with getting it.
Thanks for posting MrsCoolCat.

[MrsCoolCat]

Yw! Not a popular thread I see! I was debating on which section to post it under, but figured technically, even according to the article I kinda didn't want to post to family & segregate single women w/o families since it's about that transition.

[RetiredAt63]

What I'm talking about is our distance from the grandparents, the aunts, the uncles -- "the village" which historically helped raise children is too far away in many cases to offer meaningful help.

I am wondering how true this idea (of all the relatives nearby to help) is for those of us in North America?  I look at my grandmothers - both born in one province and moving 3 provinces away to start their families.  And then my parents ended up in another province, no family nearby.  My Dad always said we were typical Canadians, relatives in 7 provinces and the US, which implies he thought that a lot of mobility was standard.  And this is not recent, I am talking early 1900's.

[meerkat]

Women are often left with a false binary: They either have postpartum depression or they should breeze through the transition to motherhood.

Another false binary is either your baby is colicky or your baby is an easy baby that settles easily, sleeps well, feeds well, etc. I didn't have PPD and my baby wasn't colicky but man did those first six months suck monkey balls. That's honestly my biggest hesitation in having a second child.

As far as being away from our "village", we have to work on making our own villages. This can be bad and good - bad, because it takes more effort and time than if it happened organically, but good because the help you have can be more helpful. With my son the grandparent who talked the most about being helpful when I was pregnant has turned out to be the least helpful grandparent now that the baby is a reality. And overall the grandparents are all good people, we don't have to deal with the additional complications of abuse, alcoholism or drug addiction, etc. in our family members.

[StarBright]

I like this thread (and the NYT story) but didn't comment immediately because "modern motherhood" stuff can get so touchy :)

I found becoming a mother to be an incredibly isolating experience and I attribute a lot of that America's unique relationship with work/families. I work and I have children and I have very little life in between (and not because anyone is a jerk or anything - but because buying childcare support (on top of insanely priced day care) would be prohibitively expensive).

Our closest family are hundreds of miles away and most of my college friends have opted not to have children for financial reasons so I am the lone person in my social circle that has pre-schoolers. My husband didn't get any parental leave and I work for a small company so only had two weeks of "vacation time" when each of my kids were born.

It led to a weird combination of life marching on exactly the same while everything was hugely different - I honestly still feel like I am somehow reeling and my youngest is three years old!

Relating specifically to the article - I found the part about ambivalence felt especially true. I feel a major pull to be with my children instead of work, but I also often want to be left alone. Specifically I dream of an entire 24 hour period where absolutely no one touches me :)