Author Topic: Mustachian has financial anxiety due to wife's disability  (Read 2223 times)

TheSquid

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Mustachian has financial anxiety due to wife's disability
« on: October 31, 2016, 07:13:00 PM »
Hi all,
I'm a fellow mustachian via my husbands reading and research. We are very frugal both because we don't believe in commercialism but also because we would like to have low stress via financial freedom.

However, I do need some help. In the last 2 years I've been recovering from a brain injury. Due to my husbands obsession with finances I pushed myself to work when I shouldn't have.  When I was finally brought to my knees by the symptoms I had to cut back to half time. Well, last year I was moved to a new office with lots of new carpets and a really crappy HVAC system. I work for the governments and a really bad boss, so long story short I've basically been bullied into long term medical leave (FMLA).

My husband is kind of moping and depressed and making me feel bad about this situation of which I have no control. I'm doing so much better as long as I don't expose myself to the chemicals in my office. It's critical I stop hurting myself and stop working.
This has been a long hard journey(2 years) and it's depressing to have to be forced out of my job because my employer can't figure out (well refuses to modify) how to work a HVAC system. And don't worry, I'm doing all the disability accommodation stuff... it's just not going well. Long term disability insurance was denied because I can work... just not in THAT office... an air test was done and found nothing outside of accepting ranges but there was slightly higher formaldehyde which is likely what I'm reacting to at super low levels. My boss has said he will reject accommodation to work at a different location... and we live in a rural area where I am unlikely to find a similar salary in my profession (hydrologist). BUT we have our house paid off, no car loans, he makes a good salary, and no college dept. We have been investing around half of our income. We are doing very well and are very fortunate. Sadly, I can't seem to get him to see that to ease his anxiety. Please help.
« Last Edit: October 31, 2016, 09:46:38 PM by TheSquid »

Adventine

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Re: Mustachian has financial anxiety due to wife's disability
« Reply #1 on: October 31, 2016, 07:20:29 PM »
Let me get this straight. Your husband is more worried about money than about you, and you want us to spam him, hoping we random internet strangers will change his mind?

TheSquid

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Re: Mustachian has financial anxiety due to wife's disability
« Reply #2 on: October 31, 2016, 07:28:58 PM »
Yes... he's concerned about my health but he's got pretty bad anxiety about this whole thing.I actually showed him this website, and now I'm reallllllly regretting it. But!! I think it would help for fellow MMMs to give him the whole "it will be ok"...
so yes, please spam him :)

Adventine

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Re: Mustachian has financial anxiety due to wife's disability
« Reply #3 on: October 31, 2016, 07:36:09 PM »
He totally missed the point of Mustachian living, then. The point is to find fulfillment that doesn't depend on money. Not to sacrifice his or your health for the sake of some magic number.

TheSquid

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Re: Mustachian has financial anxiety due to wife's disability
« Reply #4 on: October 31, 2016, 07:47:08 PM »
Exactly. We have the ability to take on this burden of no income from me while I heal BECAUSE we are mustachian... long before MMM I was "TheSquid the money hoarder"... hoarding so if something bad happened or I wanted to strangle my boss I could up and quit, or stop working. That's what FI is all about! But he seems to have lost that because he wants to be able to quit whenever he wants. He's put his anxiety ahead of my health.... which I accepted for a while but cannot any longer. Makes me feel worse than I already am having had my career ripped from me by a childish boss who refuses to take my health concerns seriously.
The only person in this whole scenario putting my health first is me and my doctor. I hope he sees this post too, but I'm not sure that he reads the forum.

TheSquid

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Re: Mustachian has financial anxiety due to wife's disability
« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2016, 07:51:13 PM »
And we do talk... I've expressed my concerns regarding putting his anxiety first and he sees the issue but still feels the way he does but understands my logic. I guess I can't change how the man feels.... anxiety is a real health concern too... I just feel like he could be more supportive.
Sorry if his post is innappropriate but damn it if I'm not pissed for sending him this website!!!

Typhoid Mary

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Re: Mustachian has financial anxiety due to wife's disability
« Reply #6 on: October 31, 2016, 07:54:18 PM »
You have deeper marriage issues going on here than is fixable by emails from internet strangers.

See a counselor, stat.

If he won't go with you, go by yourself.

TheSquid

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Re: Mustachian has financial anxiety due to wife's disability
« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2016, 08:17:25 PM »
Ohhh I've been going to counseling. Much of the focus doctors have on brain injury patients is focused on blaming the patient for their symptoms and telling them they are just wanting to "appear sick". It's terrible. I've been trying to get him to seek medical care for his anxiety for about a decade. Clearly it's starting to effect my own personal health :(

I've asked him to go to couseling With me... no dice :(



Frankies Girl

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Re: Mustachian has financial anxiety due to wife's disability
« Reply #8 on: October 31, 2016, 08:24:50 PM »
If he won't go to marriage counseling - which is what he needs to do if he loves you - then go by yourself to decide how to deal with a spouse who treats you like this and whether there is any salvaging of the relationship you can do on your own (or work towards separating yourself from him).

Your health is poor, he's got serious anxiety issues, and yet he doesn't care enough about you or your marriage to put forth any effort to take care of either? That's kind of a deal-breaker in a relationship.

Ask him how his anxiety will feel if he's going through a divorce and stress to him that it may come to that if he isn't willing to seek help for his anxiety AND go to marriage counseling with you. And don't forget, he'll likely never be able to retire if he destroys his marriage through his pressuring you to ignore your health and the overall well-being of your relationship.

So sorry you're dealing with this, and hope he snaps out of it and sees that he needs help and values your relationship enough to do some work to keep it.


TheSquid

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Re: Mustachian has financial anxiety due to wife's disability
« Reply #9 on: October 31, 2016, 08:41:38 PM »
Thanks so much. We are actually quite close and he has done a ton for me (all the housework, driving me to doctors appointments across the country -literally!), but when it comes to the topic of his anxiety he just shuts down and says I'm over exaggerating.  He minimizes my health concerns and compares to his anxiety. Clearly I'm not over exaggerating and he needs to seek professional help.

He's slowly coming around and slightly embarrassed that I have come to the point of posting about him on his favorite website 😳😳😳..I've given him online anxiety counseling resources, talked to my counselor about how she might help his anxiety and she says she can, and we've even taken mindfulness training together.

Clearly this will be the death of our marriage if not addressed as it continues to be an issue. :(