I'm at a week and a half and I'm struggling. I reread my post to remind myself that I was actually getting concerned and not just my husband. I know if I drink he'll be disappointed, and I feel like I'm sticking with it just for him and not for me. It doesn't help that he's super busy at work now which means I don't get a break from childcare. I'm pretty much abstaining just because I said I would, which feels pointless. I just wish I had something else that let me feel happy. I have hobbies but they're just a distraction. Should I stick with it?
In general, I think kicking an addictive substance or counterproductive habit can only be successful if we ourselves are committed to doing it. That said, there are a few things to consider...
1) I found it crucial to reframe my experience of being alcohol free from "I'm depriving myself of something" to "I'm gaining something"...but this didn't happen overnight. Participating in the structured Alcohol Experiment mentioned by many people on this thread was crucial to that change my mindset. It also made the initial month of abstaining, when I was having cravings and feeling very 'deprived' much much easier to manage b/c I was 'in the company' of dozens of other people all experiencing (and discussing) the same things. And the experiment itself regularly offers tools to deal with cravings and feelings of deprivation.
2) You are literally just at the end of active detox...and the first two weeks are, for most people, the worst. Your body has barely even begun to normalize function in the absence of alcohol. How you feel right now is highly unlikely to be 'what living alcohol free feels like'. Some people start to feel notably better right around the 10 day mark, but it is super common to actually feel worse (especially emotionally) during the first few weeks. The reason for this is that regular drinking damages our pleasure neurotransmitter function. As that happens (as you describe), we then find that we need an artificial stimulation from drinking to feel any pleasure at all. Then if we remove the drinking, we are left with the sub-functioning neurotransmitter function and consequently we feel WORSE for the first few weeks to months. Most medical websites indicate it takes 30-100 days to restore neurotransmitter function and some of us feel shittier than usual until then.
For example, I had a history of depression and anxiety, and I didn't begin to see mood benefits until around 25 consecutive days AF. If I had gotten 2 weeks under my belt with no change, and given up and had something to drink (even just a couple drinks), I would have been 'resetting' my detox window to day 0, thus repeating all the worst parts of detox (the worse anxiety, the worse mood, the insomnia, etc) while never stringing together enough consecutive days without drinking to start experiencing improvement in mood.
* As a side note, most people don't realize that by drinking even once per week, they are more or less in constant low-level detox, which means they are always feeling at least somewhat worse than they would have if they hadn't had any drinks at all. Drinking more frequently means you are on a constant roller coaster of a very brief bit of objective pleasure (in my case 30 minutes), in exchange for the rest of each day (1,410 minutes) feeling shittier than I would have if I hadn't drunk at all. So in reality, I was trading 47 units of pain for 1 unit of pleasure, and somehow believing that was worth it.
3) One thing to consider (this was a big motivator for me) was to step back and look at the inevitable long-term trajectory of relying on a physically addictive substance as my main pleasure and main coping method of dealing with stress. Tolerance creep is inevitable if one drinks regularly, which means eventually more of the substance is required to get the supposed benefits one is after. I knew this from years of struggling against increasing my own amounts of alcohol. And that road goes only one way; it's very very difficult to reverse course. Look ahead at your own trajectory...1 year, 5 years, 20 years...if you keep relying on alcohol to feel good. What does that look like and does it serve your goals and aspirations for mental health and basic life-function?
4) Depression is really really tough. I know, having struggled with it on and off much of my life time. There are many things that can be done to improve mental health and combat depression, some of which you are likely already doing. But maybe you could ask for some specific suggestions as to things that helped some of us, that you might not have tried. I can tell you that my motivation for pursuing those healthier methods of depression management was completely undercut by my drinking. Drinking kills motivation for pretty much everything but itself.
I really feel you pain. I really do. Before you give up, I would absolutely suggest actively participating in the Alcohol Experiment if you are not already doing so. You can even do it while you are still drinking if you wish (though at some point it's really useful to try to truly hit at least 30 days without drinking, to get the most out of it and for the reasons I outlined in point 2).
:hugs:
