The Money Mustache Community
General Discussion => Throw Down the Gauntlet => Topic started by: Moustachienne on January 11, 2019, 08:12:43 PM
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Greetings! A great discussion about how to best use the time freed up from stopping nonsense consumerism led to the idea that a Design Your Life thread was needed. See https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/welcome-to-the-forum/unexpected-downside-to-more-conscious-budgeting/ for background.
Please chime in with what's worked or not worked for you in designing your life for maximum happiness and what resources you would recommend to folks wanting to undertake such a design. Or maybe you've found that you're less interested in specific designing and more comfortable with setting up some great autopilot systems (that's where I am right now). What do those systems look like? And I think there's a particular interest in knowing how people decide to use their time.
The Gauntlet? Level 1: share some successful or unsuccessful processes and/or outcomes from your experience and learn from others. Level 2: commit to a design process and share the results (detail level your choice).
Please feel free to link to other threads on this topic as it's a recurring question on this forum, of course. FI is about creating freedom... and then what?
Some resources from me:
1. Designing Your Life: How to Build a Well-Lived, Joyful Life
2. Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes, Revised 25th Anniversary Edition
3. It's Never Too Late to Begin Again: Discovering Creativity and Meaning at Midlife and Beyond
I found these helpful in (re)discovering my interests in a life post-work. I need to think more about how to articulate the systems I have on autopilot.
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I think I need this thread.
The parent thread really got me thinking... for the most part all I do is work. And it's work I don't even particularly care about, nor is the pay good. I got into it for convenience of scheduling, thinking we wouldn't be living in the situation we were for long. Then I stayed in it b/c it allowed me to travel as an escape from said living situation. But now it's 15+ years later and the situation hasn't changed, but in some ways has gotten even more restrictive. I travel less than I did, yet I work more, for no more pay than before.
With the onset of adult responsibilities, family and money issues, and later health problems, I feel like all my bandwidth was gradually consumed until any semblance of the more creative, optimistic, ambitious self of my youth died. I am not depressed (I have experienced clinical depression several times in my youth and I know for sure that my current mindset is fairly healthy, comparatively) and I regularly think about how many wonderful things I have in my life. I know I'm lucky, and I don't lack for thankfulness. I have many minor daily pleasures. Most days, this is a fine way to live.
But I have so little excitement or real anticipation for anything in my life ever being different, or really fulfilling, or actively positive, or exciting anymore. I'm not sure if this is normal middle-aged burnout? When I look back on my younger self, it feels like a person I don't know and can barely recognize. I feel like a series of life events (out of my control) gradually shifted me into a nose-to-grindstone default mode that eventually became the primary way I dealt with anxiety. Over time the habit of working all the time and never expecting anything different has become so entrenched I'm not sure I know how to do anything else, or even daydream about something else.
Also, I've lost some much younger friends to unexpected death in the past year...most recently, just a few days ago. And that's made me think I MUST figure out a way to change. Life is so short, and 15 years of prime adulthood has passed largely in this tepid, working-at-a-desk blur.
Ugh.
Thanks for the book recs. "Designing your life" is available at the Philly Library on audio. Unfortunately, I'm now wait-listed at #41 on one copy. Boo. I might go buy one of the others this weekend.
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Thank you for making this! I'll focus for now on my recent (last year) experience of leaving work and taking time off for medical procedures, which is the limbo I'm currently in.
-One, I wanted to get my house more in order. I figured starting outside myself and working my way in was the least scary approach. I'm a fairly tidy person, so it was more a matter of making a plan vs learning how to clean. To do this, I read some blogs and looked up some check lists on pinterest. I still devote a little time to this now and again- it all came very in handy when we sold our house. I scrubbed and staged that MoFo like it was my profession. We went pending 4 days after listing, with 2 offers. (Woo). Right now I'm reading a book a friend recommended, "How to manage your home without losing your mind".
-Most recent 'hobby' has been a renewed focus on my personal health. I'm coming up on IVF#3. [begin irrelevant information] While most of our issues fall under unexplained infertility, we know I have low ovarian reserve for my age, and somewhat poor egg quality. While women are in fact born with all the eggs we'll ever have, they're in a resting state until close to use. This means about 3 months prior to when the eggs are the "batch" selected by your body for the cycle, they begin being built up/activated/whatever. ANYWAY, all this to say that the 3 months before a given cycle, what you do health wise can impact your egg quality. Also on top of all this, I ended my last transfer and resulting miscarriage 12 lbs up from my pre-IVF#2 weight, so I want to get back to my baseline before adding more hormones. I'm also incredibly deconditioned from months of surgeries and not being able to twist my core [end irrelevant information]. I've been trying to attack wellness from as many angles as I can. This means: yoga. Currently just 'gentle' classes, twice per week, but I'm working up to normal classes. I'm also doing home gym workouts, aiming for twice per week. I'm also doing therapy once per week also. And of course, more focus on food. I'm not drinking at all this year until, at a minimum after IVF#3 (March), but possibly longer. Not drinking also opens up a lot of this time and restlessness we were talking about in the original thread.
An interesting point is that this second pursuit is of limited time or scope. One way or another, my infertility 'journey' will likely be over this year. Either with an ongoing pregnancy, or with running out of embryos and moving toward a child free life. So the "what next" is a question I'll need to answer at some point.
All this being said, I still have a lot of downtime. Too much of it goes to YouTube- even though I try to watch interesting content like SciShow or PBS eons or Vox, it still isn't how I'd like to be spending *so much* time. This is why I need this thread!
Really looking forward to other people's thoughts and experiences. Once I'm through this batch of books, I may move on to the resources on the OP!
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I wrote this into the original thread:
I notice that when I develop a new hobby, I often go all in for it. I read everything there is to read about it and join forums in the languages I can read and write. As well as start praticing the hobby. After an often steep learning curve, you will soon become pretty good at the theory, and practice. Than you can start helping others on the forums.
This provides me a lot of time online, and something to do when I am outdoors, praticing the hobby.
Therefore I want to suggest you find some sort of hobby, get the tools (used) and dive into the theory of it. Find a local club for it as well, so you will get social contacts. After some time, if it would stop being challenging, find something new.
Both DH and I do this, already before FIRE. Sometimes I even need to slow down on a hobby when another one gets more priority.
I would also set up a list of things you would like to do/visit during FIRE. If you ever get bored, then just pick from your list and start preparing for that.
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Oooh, I like this thread!
I would say I'm still somewhere in the middle of trying to design a new life. Was a workaholic doctor (although did have quite a few hobbies in the work hard/play hard vein). Became unexpectedly disabled from an injury 3 years ago. I lost my doctor identity, my career and ability to work, and my ability to do most of my hobbies in one fell swoop. Because of the nature of my disability, I have to spend a lot of time at home and resting and that impacts the type of hobbies and daily structure that I think about.
I've had a number of different strategies to trying to design my life 2.0. I don't think I have any particular wisdom and feel like I'm still very much muddling along.
1) I allow myself to try and quit lots of different hobbies. I honestly can't remember all the things that I've tried over the past 3 years - things like reading all the great books, drawing, knitting, etc. A few have stuck, most haven't. One rule that I have is that I don't assume that I won't like an activity just because the old version of me wouldn't like it. I just keep trying new stuff. One of my favorite activities these days is playing cards with a group of seniors in my neighborhood. Old me wouldn't have even considered trying it and I would have lost out on getting to know many lovely people and having a structured social activity gentle enough for me to participate in.
2) I quit being particularly Mustachian (gasp!). Partly because being disabled is expensive & my decision-making isn't as sharp as it used to be (ended up making some really bizarre decisions in attempts to be more Mustachian). But mostly because I decided that optimizing my quality of life was goal #1 in designing a new life. There's a lot about my life that sucks so I want the parts of it that I can enjoy to be as enjoyable as possible. I don't spend money/shop as entertainment. I only spend money on things that bring me value. And I still have a 50% savings rate despite what seems to be insanely lavish spending to support my new life. I moved to an expensive resort town because it's easier to be outdoors, offers great adaptive recreation opportunities, and is disability-friendly. I buy any sports gear I want if it lets me pursue outdoor activities (my favorite). I travel to or host friends whenever I am able (including buying an RV which finally made it possible for me to visit more people since my injury). I bought a piano, some simple home gym equipment, etc all to support the activities that I enjoy. I spend what I spend if it matters to my quality of life now.
3) I practice self-compassion. In the early days, I did this alot with guided meditation practices. Nowadays it's a bit more automatic. Having been a doctor and lifelong compulsive type A person, I can be really hard on myself because I feel guilty that I don't do more. That I sometimes have to spend days at a time just resting and can't muster the energy to leave the house. That I'm not saving the world or having a grand purpose. I feel shame that I'm so limited because of my disability and that there should be a way that I can just willpower myself to overcome it. It's all nonsense and I now recognize those feelings when they pop up. It's an ongoing battle but being kind and compassionate to myself has been important in transitioning to a new type of life.
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3) I practice self-compassion. In the early days, I did this alot with guided meditation practices. Nowadays it's a bit more automatic. Having been a doctor and lifelong compulsive type A person, I can be really hard on myself because I feel guilty that I don't do more. That I sometimes have to spend days at a time just resting and can't muster the energy to leave the house. That I'm not saving the world or having a grand purpose. I feel shame that I'm so limited because of my disability and that there should be a way that I can just willpower myself to overcome it. It's all nonsense and I now recognize those feelings when they pop up. It's an ongoing battle but being kind and compassionate to myself has been important in transitioning to a new type of life.
Nurse here, and these words really struck me. I think I may need to take lessons from you...
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This is on my mind because I'm beginning to think seriously about my post-grad-school career, and I'm trying to take advantage of having this mindset going into the job search rather than discovering dissatisfaction years later.
But in the present moment, I think the biggest life design change I need (and that I have been struggling with for months or years, with some progress) is better focus, which means less internet. I'd like to be better at working when I'm working, relaxing when I'm relaxing, etc. The book that has me thinking hardest about this is Cal Newport's Deep Work, but it's probably not much in the vein of this thread.
I'm also working on biking regularly to work, which I suppose qualifies as designing my life because it makes exercise automatic.
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Thanks for this thread! It's something on my mind a lot as I move into a post-work life (and really accept that I am building a post-work life, not just an interlude between work stints). I've put holds on two of the books OP recommended.
What seems to help me is having groups related to my hobbies. It keeps me active in them instead of letting them slide. I like structure, so building in set times I do things with other people keeps me from feeling like I'm drifting. I also have small children, so they need structure and care and that takes up a fair amount of time.
I still waste more time on the internet than I prefer, and I've started watching Netflix on a nearly daily basis, which isn't a great development. But, I'm also trying to let go of the expectation that all time must be used "productively." If I'm meeting my goals and staying happy, then is there really a problem? Or least that's what I'm trying to convince myself. ;)
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What's helped me is to discover how I spend my time. Basically, I found that I am using time so inefficiently with loads of social media use instead of coming up with hobbies and other things to do, which will eventually become important in FIRE. I used Best Self (https://bestself.co/) for it: being Mustachian though, I downloaded the pdf of the SELF journal instead of spending a whooping $38 on a journal! Please note, I am in no way affiliated with this company, just wanted to share the useful free resource :-)
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I did a lot of online research some time ago to try and figure out what I was missing - I was inherently bored and tired, unmotivated and unstimulated.... and paying a lot of games online instead of doing something a bit more productive. Now, I'm not one of those people that can just spew out facts and figures that I once read. For me it's about ideas. Anyhoo, what I discovered is that I'm a person that craves flow state. That's the sweet spot for me. And for that, in the real world and not online gaming, I need to be continually challenged and learning. It doesn't much matter what I'm learning. Could be a new work thing, could be how to make jam. As long as it's something I'm vaguely interested in, learning about it and accomplishing things around that is soul-satisfying for me. I've gone back to all those little things I wanted to do when I was a kid, as well as all those someday-I'd-like-to things. For instance, I always liked the thought of learning to crochet, so I taught myself from youtube vids. It wasn't so simple! And now I can get yarn from thrift stores and I haven't paid for a cool scarves, gloves or ponchos in years. I had a go at learning to sew - yeah not for me but it was entertaining. I learned to paddle board - fun but not something I want to take further like starting races etc. I'm in the market now for something else to try and I'm casting my mind back to things I wanted to do as a kid - violin lessons, horse riding, wanted to learn tennis etc etc. I like the idea of starting a blog, and I know nothing about that.
TL:DR I've identified what I need not to be bored and unmotivated, and I've identified where to go for ideas
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Following! Have been thinking about this a lot lately. Going to go read the parent thread.
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3) I practice self-compassion. In the early days, I did this alot with guided meditation practices. Nowadays it's a bit more automatic. Having been a doctor and lifelong compulsive type A person, I can be really hard on myself because I feel guilty that I don't do more. That I sometimes have to spend days at a time just resting and can't muster the energy to leave the house. That I'm not saving the world or having a grand purpose. I feel shame that I'm so limited because of my disability and that there should be a way that I can just willpower myself to overcome it. It's all nonsense and I now recognize those feelings when they pop up. It's an ongoing battle but being kind and compassionate to myself has been important in transitioning to a new type of life.
Nurse here, and these words really struck me. I think I may need to take lessons from you...
Thanks, @Bracken_Joy, but I don't have any special wisdom. I *wish* it hadn't taken such a horrific event to teach me to be kind of myself.
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Posting to follow. You all are inspiring.
I've found that over the years, my "plan for maximum happiness/fulfillment" has changed as my priorities have shifted. Therefore, built into the plan is the need to re-evaluate the plan every 3-5 years.
Whenever I find myself starting to feel unfulfilled, unmotivated, uncomfortable, I ask myself a few questions to help me clarify my values and goals for that season:
1. If I can magically take away anything from my life right now, what would I take away? Why would I take that away? How is it causing me pain right now?
2. If the thing(s) I want to take away can't be removed, what would make my life better right now? What can I put into my life to alleviate or mitigate the pain?
I've found that "positive" tasks usually fall into three categories: distraction tasks, problem-solving tasks, and joyful/meaning-making tasks. Some tasks help you feel better becaues they distract you from the painful situation (e.g., alcohol, visualizing being on a beach when you're getting a needle). These are short-term, in-the-moment solutions. Other tasks help you feel better because they help you solve the problem (e.g., changing your mindset, changing the situation). These are longer-term solutions. The third type doesn't just remove pain, it adds joy.
When I'm unhappy with my life situation, I try to focus first on finding problem-solving strategies. However, there are some things in life that can't be solved. E.g., At this particular point in my life, I cannot just stop working. In those situations, I move to distraction/mitigation strategies to make the present more bearable until circumstances change and I can find a more permanent solution.
To be honest, I need to work on building in joyful/meaning-making tasks. Those have been hard for me to find lately, as I've found that being burned out makes it mentally more difficult for me to find joy, even in previously joyful things. And like Dr Kidstache, I am also not particularly Mustachian. I've been experimenting with taking Uber/hiring drivers and greatly inflating my lifestyle (hello, 100% rent increase, multiple international vacations, and increased heating bills) in order to survive.
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I have little to add myself, due to current inertia and apathy, but looking for inspiration.
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What seems to help me is having groups related to my hobbies. It keeps me active in them instead of letting them slide. I like structure, so building in set times I do things with other people keeps me from feeling like I'm drifting.
I've been struggling with this recently. I've been part of a community orchestra for several years that runs from 7-10pm once a week. I often dread attending, mostly because of the time commitment. My aforementioned bike commute works best if I get up early, so this throws off my sleep schedule every Monday. Every two months or so, I have to commit 12-14 hours in one week to dress rehearsals and concerts. And my actual enjoyment of it varies; sometimes I love it, sometimes I grit my teeth and get through it, depending on the current repertoire. Also, I theoretically pay for this privilege, though I always choose the option to volunteer away my membership fee. At least there's a snack break.
But this is also my only opportunity to play my instrument with others. I double majored in music in college, and I know from that that I find playing a lot more fulfilling with rigorous practice - something I currently do zero of. I'm a PhD student and the prospect of finding several hours a week, and the self-motivation, to spend on this is daunting. While orchestra is inconvenient, it forces me to play regularly, if not rigorously (see quoted material about structure). Quitting would feel like quitting on my 16 years of experience playing this instrument. Also, playing exclusively solo stuff isn't my favorite, though it's fine.
Haven't figured out the best way to design this one yet.
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I have a journal which lists things I want to get up to when I FIRE. I add to it as ideas come to me. I will not be bored that is for sure.
I have actively started to design my post work life. I am going to night school for an art certificate and have decided that I will most likely go back to school post FIRE to get a fine arts degree, maybe even go onto a masters degree. I intend to spend the majority of my FIRE time being an artist.
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I did this in high school in a class, and just remembered it. http://freshtakeoncontent.com/wheel-of-life-goals/ (http://freshtakeoncontent.com/wheel-of-life-goals/) I think I'll work on this today at some point, to clarify where I think I should put some more work in for the life designing =) The one we did in school, we gave each 'spoke' a 1-10 rating, like a pie chart with variable radii, so you can see how balanced or unbalanced the elements of your life are.
(https://i.stack.imgur.com/babw9.gif)
This is an example one, I haven't put mine together yet.
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I lvoe this idea. And FIRE Artist I need to follow your journal - I am also an artist in Canada with a corporate job who will be retiring sometime 2022-ish. I've been thinking about going back to school for my Masters in Fine Art when I retire. And travel. And paint. And who knows what else!
One concept I've come across recently is something on a site called Raptitude - he talks about the concept of doing a Depth Year. I am going to try this this year. It's very moustachian - the idea is not trying any new hobbies or buying any new things for the sake of wanderlust, but instead, actually going deeper into the hobbies and habits already started. I think many people in our culture (myself included) tend to try a new hobby, buy all the things for that hobby, read all the books, do the thing for a little while, and then move on to the next thing. I have done this with art and craft projects - I'm always noticing what others are doing and thinking "ooh I'd love to try that!" Knitting, crochet, soap making, baking, making jewelry, mold making, etc. Meanwhile I am not doing the things I have already started in the past, and have a relatively medium-depth skill for already, that I could easily deepen, such as painting, writing, and photography. If I choose just one of those things, there is surely enough I could learn over the course of a year to deepen my skills. Instead of moving on to something new all the time, it does make sense to stick to one of the things I've already started, and further those hobbies.
I'm going to check out the books listed above as well.
ETA links:
https://www.raptitude.com/2017/12/go-deeper-not-wider/
https://www.raptitude.com/2018/12/why-the-depth-year-was-my-best-year/
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What a lot of great ideas here! I debated which category to put this thread under as it's such a large and lifelong "gauntlet" to create meaning and satisfaction in our lives. More of a "journey" than a one action challenge.
For many of us on this forum, eliminating or at least dialing down how we waste money and time will mean that we will have a surplus of both to spend. Mustachianism Level 2 is figuring out how to spend them well. We are lucky people in lucky countries to get to engage with this challenge!
When I was working I found the Getting Things Done approach really helpful in moving me towards goals one Next Action at a time. That is, after I set large goals, e.g. launch a certain project, I created very specific next steps kept me moving forward. Doing created momentum and meaning. It also helped with motivation.
Now that I'm retired and my time and goals are my own (gulp!) I find that I'm taking a somewhat similar approach. I have some large interests or themes in mind and I set up actions towards them. I no longer need to be "productive" in the same way (yay!) so I've found my Actions can be broader and not time limited. I've found I do still need some daily structure though or like many on here, I can slip into mindless screen time or other low value activities, just as I did to destress when I worked. Which is fine in low doses. It's my Inner Rebel refusing to grow up and that's fine. :)
I have interests rather than hobbies, something that worried me before retiring as I watched my hobbyist husband absorb himself in his activities. But it has worked out great! I've always been interested in reading, languages, people, culture, exploring the city, and general mooning around. I am having a bit of a Depth Year (great concept) and I often combine the themes, e.g. visit art shows with friends or tutor reading with children in my second language which I revitalized through immersion courses. Recently I decided to get back into swimming and took lessons with a friend.
Reading about others experiences on this thread and thinking about my own, I'm reasonably satisfied with how I spend my time and what I spend it on. Huh - that's a good realization.
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I know that many of you have heard about this book before, but when I first read it many years ago, a lightbulb went off in my head. While I am still not where I want to be, at least I am making somewhat conscious choices about the direction of my life, and am aware when I am making tradeoffs (for instance, when caring for family members moves career fulfillment out of its priority, I know that it is because I wanted to do it this way.) https://www.amazon.com/Control-Your-Time-Life-Signet/dp/0451167724
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Just popping back to say that I've had a look at the Raptitude links and they are GOLD! Interesting but not at all surprising to see that David Corn's blogroll includes MMM.
I lvoe this idea. And FIRE Artist I need to follow your journal - I am also an artist in Canada with a corporate job who will be retiring sometime 2022-ish. I've been thinking about going back to school for my Masters in Fine Art when I retire. And travel. And paint. And who knows what else!
One concept I've come across recently is something on a site called Raptitude - he talks about the concept of doing a Depth Year. I am going to try this this year. It's very moustachian - the idea is not trying any new hobbies or buying any new things for the sake of wanderlust, but instead, actually going deeper into the hobbies and habits already started. I think many people in our culture (myself included) tend to try a new hobby, buy all the things for that hobby, read all the books, do the thing for a little while, and then move on to the next thing. I have done this with art and craft projects - I'm always noticing what others are doing and thinking "ooh I'd love to try that!" Knitting, crochet, soap making, baking, making jewelry, mold making, etc. Meanwhile I am not doing the things I have already started in the past, and have a relatively medium-depth skill for already, that I could easily deepen, such as painting, writing, and photography. If I choose just one of those things, there is surely enough I could learn over the course of a year to deepen my skills. Instead of moving on to something new all the time, it does make sense to stick to one of the things I've already started, and further those hobbies.
I'm going to check out the books listed above as well.
ETA links:
https://www.raptitude.com/2017/12/go-deeper-not-wider/
https://www.raptitude.com/2018/12/why-the-depth-year-was-my-best-year/
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I did this in high school in a class, and just remembered it. http://freshtakeoncontent.com/wheel-of-life-goals/ (http://freshtakeoncontent.com/wheel-of-life-goals/) I think I'll work on this today at some point, to clarify where I think I should put some more work in for the life designing =) The one we did in school, we gave each 'spoke' a 1-10 rating, like a pie chart with variable radii, so you can see how balanced or unbalanced the elements of your life are.
(https://i.stack.imgur.com/babw9.gif)
This is an example one, I haven't put mine together yet.
Well this was depressing. Not surprising though. The biggest negative impact on my life right now comes from social and work. But at least I learned how to program radar charts and install new fonts! Those hipster e's will always be there for me.
(http://i.imgur.com/32TP63N.jpg)
Edited to add credit for the font to Lauren Thompson/Nymphont (http://www.nymfont.com/2009/06/new-caviar-dreams-font.html?m=1).
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I did this in high school in a class, and just remembered it. http://freshtakeoncontent.com/wheel-of-life-goals/ (http://freshtakeoncontent.com/wheel-of-life-goals/) I think I'll work on this today at some point, to clarify where I think I should put some more work in for the life designing =) The one we did in school, we gave each 'spoke' a 1-10 rating, like a pie chart with variable radii, so you can see how balanced or unbalanced the elements of your life are.
(https://i.stack.imgur.com/babw9.gif)
This is an example one, I haven't put mine together yet.
Well this was depressing. Not surprising though. The biggest negative impact on my life right now comes from social and work. But at least I learned how to program radar charts and install new fonts! Those hipster e's will always be there for me.
(http://i.imgur.com/32TP63N.jpg)
RADAR CHARTS! Ah, thank you. I was driving myself bonkers, I kept thinking 'radio charts' then couldn't find it.
Yeah, I still haven't done this today and it's slightly because I've been out doing things (good) and slightly because I don't really want to see the degree of unbalance (not so good).
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How are you guys making these neato radar charts?
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How are you guys making these neato radar charts?
Haven't made mine yet, but have this how to pulled up: https://www.wallstreetmojo.com/radar-chart-in-excel/ (https://www.wallstreetmojo.com/radar-chart-in-excel/)
But TBH, I might just hand draw it. Get that creativity score up ;)
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How are you guys making these neato radar charts?
I made mine in R, a stats and data viz language. It counts as Learning for me since I've only been working in it for a few weeks.
If you want, I can make yours the same way!
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I need the ideas in this thread as I'm drifting away my days reading the internet. Really great ideas so far! I am intrigued by the idea of mapping which areas are out of balance (and also a bit freaked out at what it might show me).
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What seems to help me is having groups related to my hobbies. It keeps me active in them instead of letting them slide. I like structure, so building in set times I do things with other people keeps me from feeling like I'm drifting.
I've been struggling with this recently. I've been part of a community orchestra for several years that runs from 7-10pm once a week. I often dread attending, mostly because of the time commitment. My aforementioned bike commute works best if I get up early, so this throws off my sleep schedule every Monday. Every two months or so, I have to commit 12-14 hours in one week to dress rehearsals and concerts. And my actual enjoyment of it varies; sometimes I love it, sometimes I grit my teeth and get through it, depending on the current repertoire. Also, I theoretically pay for this privilege, though I always choose the option to volunteer away my membership fee. At least there's a snack break.
But this is also my only opportunity to play my instrument with others. I double majored in music in college, and I know from that that I find playing a lot more fulfilling with rigorous practice - something I currently do zero of. I'm a PhD student and the prospect of finding several hours a week, and the self-motivation, to spend on this is daunting. While orchestra is inconvenient, it forces me to play regularly, if not rigorously (see quoted material about structure). Quitting would feel like quitting on my 16 years of experience playing this instrument. Also, playing exclusively solo stuff isn't my favorite, though it's fine.
Haven't figured out the best way to design this one yet.
How about putting together a small ensemble that meets weekly at a more convenient time and location? Could you even make a side gig out of it by occasionally hiring out to play at weddings or similar? Unless you play an instrument less conducive to this format, such as kettledrums, of course. :)
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I lvoe this idea. And FIRE Artist I need to follow your journal - I am also an artist in Canada with a corporate job who will be retiring sometime 2022-ish. I've been thinking about going back to school for my Masters in Fine Art when I retire. And travel. And paint. And who knows what else!
One concept I've come across recently is something on a site called Raptitude - he talks about the concept of doing a Depth Year. I am going to try this this year. It's very moustachian - the idea is not trying any new hobbies or buying any new things for the sake of wanderlust, but instead, actually going deeper into the hobbies and habits already started. I think many people in our culture (myself included) tend to try a new hobby, buy all the things for that hobby, read all the books, do the thing for a little while, and then move on to the next thing. I have done this with art and craft projects - I'm always noticing what others are doing and thinking "ooh I'd love to try that!" Knitting, crochet, soap making, baking, making jewelry, mold making, etc. Meanwhile I am not doing the things I have already started in the past, and have a relatively medium-depth skill for already, that I could easily deepen, such as painting, writing, and photography. If I choose just one of those things, there is surely enough I could learn over the course of a year to deepen my skills. Instead of moving on to something new all the time, it does make sense to stick to one of the things I've already started, and further those hobbies.
I'm going to check out the books listed above as well.
ETA links:
https://www.raptitude.com/2017/12/go-deeper-not-wider/
https://www.raptitude.com/2018/12/why-the-depth-year-was-my-best-year/
I really like the depth year idea, it is something I have been trying to implement for the last 15 years. When I was an expat, I reduced my studio to only one art form for ease of moving internationally, and also to make the most of my limited spare time. I am now staying put in one house, have eased the reigns a bit, but still try to keep focus on what my main intent for art making is. I am comfortable with this lack of diversity, and have successfully dodged temptation for taking on new things like sculpture, encaustic etc.
I like those radar charts, I need to make one. There are categories that I am aware that I am distinctly lacking in, but also I question if humans actually need to have all areas balanced all the time. As an introvert, I know that I don't have the energy for work, social life and volunteering to be balanced all at the same time. Those are all what I would consider extrovert categories. I know that once the Work bucket can finally be emptied, my energy can be diverted into the social and volunteering buckets. I have a hard enough time making sure I go out and be social with my friends enough today, I don't want to add volunteering to the list, but that is definitely something I see myself doing a few hours a week post FIRE.
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Posting to follow!
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How about putting together a small ensemble that meets weekly at a more convenient time and location? Could you even make a side gig out of it by occasionally hiring out to play at weddings or similar? Unless you play an instrument less conducive to this format, such as kettledrums, of course. :)
This is probably the closest I can get to what I want. I would be nervous about taking on that responsibility during grad school, so it's more something I've considered for the future - but maybe that's the kind of excuse that doesn't belong in this thread? I am in a summer orchestra that fits my schedule better, so maybe I should at least acknowledge that quitting wouldn't remove EVERY opportunity from my life. I appreciate the suggestion! I'll have to mull it over.
I play the viola, and I've been a part of string quartets at weddings in the past. It can be a good gig!
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How about putting together a small ensemble that meets weekly at a more convenient time and location? Could you even make a side gig out of it by occasionally hiring out to play at weddings or similar? Unless you play an instrument less conducive to this format, such as kettledrums, of course. :)
This is probably the closest I can get to what I want. I would be nervous about taking on that responsibility during grad school, so it's more something I've considered for the future - but maybe that's the kind of excuse that doesn't belong in this thread? I am in a summer orchestra that fits my schedule better, so maybe I should at least acknowledge that quitting wouldn't remove EVERY opportunity from my life. I appreciate the suggestion! I'll have to mull it over.
I play the viola, and I've been a part of string quartets at weddings in the past. It can be a good gig!
The way I'd approach this would be to decide what time of week would be best for rehearsals for me. Then I'd put out the word in the orchestra that I was looking for people interested in joining a small ensemble who could make that time for, say, a six week trial, with the goal being enjoyment and the occasional gig. Maybe other members of the ensemble could help finding performance venues or gigs. Since you're in school, you could probably take advantage of the music library to find pieces you like.
If it works out, you could quit the orchestra at the end of the season, and keep the summer orchestra.
My husband and I used to play musical instruments. Coincidentally, we just volunteered to provide music at church so we will be forced to practice, and will have the chance to perform every season! However, I'm not sure that this corresponds to a designed life. We do too much volunteering as it is... but this will probably be enjoyable.
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You inspired me to look up the organization that runs the summer orchestra, and it turns out they have a chamber music club. It's for pre-formed ensembles, so not an immediate solution, but they have a concert coming up this Sunday. I figure I'll drop by, see what it's about, and maybe put out feelers about how to find other interested people. :)
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I lvoe this idea. And FIRE Artist I need to follow your journal - I am also an artist in Canada with a corporate job who will be retiring sometime 2022-ish. I've been thinking about going back to school for my Masters in Fine Art when I retire. And travel. And paint. And who knows what else!
One concept I've come across recently is something on a site called Raptitude - he talks about the concept of doing a Depth Year. I am going to try this this year. It's very moustachian - the idea is not trying any new hobbies or buying any new things for the sake of wanderlust, but instead, actually going deeper into the hobbies and habits already started. I think many people in our culture (myself included) tend to try a new hobby, buy all the things for that hobby, read all the books, do the thing for a little while, and then move on to the next thing. I have done this with art and craft projects - I'm always noticing what others are doing and thinking "ooh I'd love to try that!" Knitting, crochet, soap making, baking, making jewelry, mold making, etc. Meanwhile I am not doing the things I have already started in the past, and have a relatively medium-depth skill for already, that I could easily deepen, such as painting, writing, and photography. If I choose just one of those things, there is surely enough I could learn over the course of a year to deepen my skills. Instead of moving on to something new all the time, it does make sense to stick to one of the things I've already started, and further those hobbies.
I'm going to check out the books listed above as well.
ETA links:
https://www.raptitude.com/2017/12/go-deeper-not-wider/
https://www.raptitude.com/2018/12/why-the-depth-year-was-my-best-year/
I really like the depth year idea, it is something I have been trying to implement for the last 15 years. When I was an expat, I reduced my studio to only one art form for ease of moving internationally, and also to make the most of my limited spare time. I am now staying put in one house, have eased the reigns a bit, but still try to keep focus on what my main intent for art making is. I am comfortable with this lack of diversity, and have successfully dodged temptation for taking on new things like sculpture, encaustic etc.
I like those radar charts, I need to make one. There are categories that I am aware that I am distinctly lacking in, but also I question if humans actually need to have all areas balanced all the time. As an introvert, I know that I don't have the energy for work, social life and volunteering to be balanced all at the same time. Those are all what I would consider extrovert categories. I know that once the Work bucket can finally be emptied, my energy can be diverted into the social and volunteering buckets. I have a hard enough time making sure I go out and be social with my friends enough today, I don't want to add volunteering to the list, but that is definitely something I see myself doing a few hours a week post FIRE.
Love these ideas.
My SO & I just finished a no-shopping year and during that time were encouraged to use what we already have (especially since we couldn't buy anything new/used/etc). So we read books from our shelves (and the library), and shopped in our basement.
I sent him those links from above and now we might adopt this as our 2019 project..the year of depth. He can continue improving his musical and guitar skills, I will delve more into my artwork.
Just today I finished reading Deep Work by Cal Newton which aligns with this nicely (although written with a business/work perspective, I am finding it immediately applicable for the creative process as well)
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I think I need this thread.
The parent thread really got me thinking... for the most part all I do is work. And it's work I don't even particularly care about, nor is the pay good. I got into it for convenience of scheduling, thinking we wouldn't be living in the situation we were for long. Then I stayed in it b/c it allowed me to travel as an escape from said living situation. But now it's 15+ years later and the situation hasn't changed, but in some ways has gotten even more restrictive. I travel less than I did, yet I work more, for no more pay than before.
With the onset of adult responsibilities, family and money issues, and later health problems, I feel like all my bandwidth was gradually consumed until any semblance of the more creative, optimistic, ambitious self of my youth died. I am not depressed (I have experienced clinical depression several times in my youth and I know for sure that my current mindset is fairly healthy, comparatively) and I regularly think about how many wonderful things I have in my life. I know I'm lucky, and I don't lack for thankfulness. I have many minor daily pleasures. Most days, this is a fine way to live.
But I have so little excitement or real anticipation for anything in my life ever being different, or really fulfilling, or actively positive, or exciting anymore. I'm not sure if this is normal middle-aged burnout? When I look back on my younger self, it feels like a person I don't know and can barely recognize. I feel like a series of life events (out of my control) gradually shifted me into a nose-to-grindstone default mode that eventually became the primary way I dealt with anxiety. Over time the habit of working all the time and never expecting anything different has become so entrenched I'm not sure I know how to do anything else, or even daydream about something else.
Also, I've lost some much younger friends to unexpected death in the past year...most recently, just a few days ago. And that's made me think I MUST figure out a way to change. Life is so short, and 15 years of prime adulthood has passed largely in this tepid, working-at-a-desk blur.
Ugh.
Thanks for the book recs. "Designing your life" is available at the Philly Library on audio. Unfortunately, I'm now wait-listed at #41 on one copy. Boo. I might go buy one of the others this weekend.
I found so much of myself in this post. Last year I started a telephone therapy service offered by my health insurance and they sent me a booklet with information on some of depression, anxiety, burnout and that kind of thing. Actually reading the differences between depression and burnout managed to really switch something in my head - it had been strange to struggle like I was kind of feeling depressed while also knowing that I wasn't actually depressed (or at least not the way I know it from before).
One of the things I'm trying to do is to say no to things, even things that sound interesting.* I know that I currently have enough on my plate so even those interesting things will just have to wait. At the same time, I am trying to incorporate some time into my week that I can use for something creative/something that actually gives me energy rather than draining me. I had some success with writing appointments for this in my diary a couple of months ago and have started to do that again.
*I live in a university town and there are so many interesting lectures to go to and things to do, I could be out every evening and creating a new list of ten books I want to read every day.
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I lvoe this idea. And FIRE Artist I need to follow your journal - I am also an artist in Canada with a corporate job who will be retiring sometime 2022-ish. I've been thinking about going back to school for my Masters in Fine Art when I retire. And travel. And paint. And who knows what else!
One concept I've come across recently is something on a site called Raptitude - he talks about the concept of doing a Depth Year. I am going to try this this year. It's very moustachian - the idea is not trying any new hobbies or buying any new things for the sake of wanderlust, but instead, actually going deeper into the hobbies and habits already started. I think many people in our culture (myself included) tend to try a new hobby, buy all the things for that hobby, read all the books, do the thing for a little while, and then move on to the next thing. I have done this with art and craft projects - I'm always noticing what others are doing and thinking "ooh I'd love to try that!" Knitting, crochet, soap making, baking, making jewelry, mold making, etc. Meanwhile I am not doing the things I have already started in the past, and have a relatively medium-depth skill for already, that I could easily deepen, such as painting, writing, and photography. If I choose just one of those things, there is surely enough I could learn over the course of a year to deepen my skills. Instead of moving on to something new all the time, it does make sense to stick to one of the things I've already started, and further those hobbies.
I'm going to check out the books listed above as well.
ETA links:
https://www.raptitude.com/2017/12/go-deeper-not-wider/
https://www.raptitude.com/2018/12/why-the-depth-year-was-my-best-year/
Ooooh! I'm going to do this for 2019! I may need a depth decade just to finish unfinished projects, rekindle old friendships, and read unread books on the shelf, but a year is a good start.
I did this in high school in a class, and just remembered it. http://freshtakeoncontent.com/wheel-of-life-goals/ (http://freshtakeoncontent.com/wheel-of-life-goals/) I think I'll work on this today at some point, to clarify where I think I should put some more work in for the life designing =) The one we did in school, we gave each 'spoke' a 1-10 rating, like a pie chart with variable radii, so you can see how balanced or unbalanced the elements of your life are.
(https://i.stack.imgur.com/babw9.gif)
This is an example one, I haven't put mine together yet.
Categories I should focus most on by far: Social Life and Exercise.
As for life design, I feel I do ok from a medium-term perspective. I get a goal and I figure out how to get there step by step. The problem is that I have SO MANY goals and they often seem conflicting, so from a long term perspective I'm jumping around between different objectives like a ping pong ball. There's not a lot of focus.
I've tried to create this focus and at least I'm aware of it's lacking, but the different goals are all so strongly important to me that the thought of setting any one aside is painful. They do fluctuate over time which makes it easy to focus in the short and sometimes medium term.
Top things on the life design plan right now are
-Sell rental house
-Sell house
-Fitness
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You inspired me to look up the organization that runs the summer orchestra, and it turns out they have a chamber music club. It's for pre-formed ensembles, so not an immediate solution, but they have a concert coming up this Sunday. I figure I'll drop by, see what it's about, and maybe put out feelers about how to find other interested people. :)
Great, that sounds really cool! Small groups can be so much more satisfying than the large ones, though each has their place...
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I really like this thread. I tend to write a lot of lists of goals, and I just found my three year list for 2016-2019 (ending this August). I accomplished many but not all of those things, and starting drafting a new 2019 list, but it's more odds and ends than a design for the year.
My real goal, keeping radar charts in mind, is to have a better social presence this year. I want to focus on friendships and my partner. Especially my partner. I have an idea to go on monthly dates, ideally trying new things and just to have fun together. Looking forward to following along.
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-Most recent 'hobby' has been a renewed focus on my personal health. I'm coming up on IVF#3. [begin irrelevant information] While most of our issues fall under unexplained infertility, we know I have low ovarian reserve for my age, and somewhat poor egg quality. While women are in fact born with all the eggs we'll ever have, they're in a resting state until close to use. This means about 3 months prior to when the eggs are the "batch" selected by your body for the cycle, they begin being built up/activated/whatever. ANYWAY, all this to say that the 3 months before a given cycle, what you do health wise can impact your egg quality. Also on top of all this, I ended my last transfer and resulting miscarriage 12 lbs up from my pre-IVF#2 weight, so I want to get back to my baseline before adding more hormones. I'm also incredibly deconditioned from months of surgeries and not being able to twist my core [end irrelevant information]. I've been trying to attack wellness from as many angles as I can. This means: yoga. Currently just 'gentle' classes, twice per week, but I'm working up to normal classes. I'm also doing home gym workouts, aiming for twice per week. I'm also doing therapy once per week also. And of course, more focus on food. I'm not drinking at all this year until, at a minimum after IVF#3 (March), but possibly longer. Not drinking also opens up a lot of this time and restlessness we were talking about in the original thread.
An interesting point is that this second pursuit is of limited time or scope. One way or another, my infertility 'journey' will likely be over this year. Either with an ongoing pregnancy, or with running out of embryos and moving toward a child free life. So the "what next" is a question I'll need to answer at some point.
I mentioned on the Baby thread as well, but I'm in the same boat as you. This year will be the end of IVF for me and will either end with a baby or a childfree life. I'm not sure what the childfree life looks like, and I'm struggling with it. We moved to a new state 3 years ago and I really haven't made any effort to make new friends, because I just assumed when I had kids I would make other mom friends. Now I'm realizing that might not actually happen and (gulp) I'll have to kindle friendships on my own.
It's scary realizing how much of my designed life was centered around having children, and how I have so much time to fill if that doesn't happen.
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Great idea for a thread and I’ve enjoyed reading so far. I need to think on this. I’ve vastly improved my life (from the years of working way too much), but I’d like to remove a few things from my plate and improve other areas.
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You're discovering the hard way that any life design has to take into account that there will be curveballs and unexpected events and outcomes, both good and bad. Our designs have to be flexible enough to handle these. There have been some posts recently on other threads where OP's seem eaten up by regret about past events and unable to move forward. If the baby dream doesn't work out for you, take time and grieve as you need to but don't get stuck. And start making friends and enjoying your life now! Don't wait for some unknown future - it never arrives.
I wish all the best for you and hope that you will indeed have the baby you want so much.
-Most recent 'hobby' has been a renewed focus on my personal health. I'm coming up on IVF#3. [begin irrelevant information] While most of our issues fall under unexplained infertility, we know I have low ovarian reserve for my age, and somewhat poor egg quality. While women are in fact born with all the eggs we'll ever have, they're in a resting state until close to use. This means about 3 months prior to when the eggs are the "batch" selected by your body for the cycle, they begin being built up/activated/whatever. ANYWAY, all this to say that the 3 months before a given cycle, what you do health wise can impact your egg quality. Also on top of all this, I ended my last transfer and resulting miscarriage 12 lbs up from my pre-IVF#2 weight, so I want to get back to my baseline before adding more hormones. I'm also incredibly deconditioned from months of surgeries and not being able to twist my core [end irrelevant information]. I've been trying to attack wellness from as many angles as I can. This means: yoga. Currently just 'gentle' classes, twice per week, but I'm working up to normal classes. I'm also doing home gym workouts, aiming for twice per week. I'm also doing therapy once per week also. And of course, more focus on food. I'm not drinking at all this year until, at a minimum after IVF#3 (March), but possibly longer. Not drinking also opens up a lot of this time and restlessness we were talking about in the original thread.
An interesting point is that this second pursuit is of limited time or scope. One way or another, my infertility 'journey' will likely be over this year. Either with an ongoing pregnancy, or with running out of embryos and moving toward a child free life. So the "what next" is a question I'll need to answer at some point.
I mentioned on the Baby thread as well, but I'm in the same boat as you. This year will be the end of IVF for me and will either end with a baby or a childfree life. I'm not sure what the childfree life looks like, and I'm struggling with it. We moved to a new state 3 years ago and I really haven't made any effort to make new friends, because I just assumed when I had kids I would make other mom friends. Now I'm realizing that might not actually happen and (gulp) I'll have to kindle friendships on my own.
It's scary realizing how much of my designed life was centered around having children, and how I have so much time to fill if that doesn't happen.
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For anyone else who likes boxes, here's another one. Life balance is pretty important. Great topic!
(http://essence-coaching.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/table.gif)
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For anyone else who likes boxes, here's another one. Life balance is pretty important. Great topic!
(http://essence-coaching.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/table.gif)
While I like the idea, this seems a little rigid. As a FIREe, career isn't something I put time into anymore (intentionally!). Similarly, are single people deficient because they don't have a relationship (friends and family are separate boxes, so presumably this is about a romantic relationship)? Seems like the creator tried a little too hard to have 9 boxes...
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^ I think the idea was design your own (fill in what's relevant), it's a starting guideline. Of course one person's idea is not everyone's!
What I really like about this is balance. For instance, if someone gets so caught up in a relationship (to the detriment of family/friends, hobbies, etc) and the relationship ultimately ends, then they can be utterly devastated (this was me previously). Same with work. Getting too wrapped up in work to the detriment of other things (exercise/health, family/friends, etc) is generally not ideal. For anyone still working :)
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This week, the most important design I will try to impose on my life is a lot of sleep at an early hour.
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This week, the most important design I will try to impose on my life is a lot of sleep at an early hour.
I like this idea...sleep is one of the best things ever invented by nature :)
Just checked the 'design your life' book out from the library--thanks for the recommendation!
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The boxes and the wheel design above remind me of the "Level 10 Life" personal development charts I saw a lot of bullet journal bloggers were using a couple of years ago.
Here are some examples:
https://littlecoffeefox.com/level-10-life-track-personal-growth/
https://www.productivehappiness.com/level-10-life/
I used them with young people I work with and found them helpful for myself, too. Like any organizational scheme, half the value is clarifying specific goals--not just drifting along. The other half is periodic check-ins where you confront your progress or lack of it and look for the obstacles.
For some of the kids I work with, the idea that you would "work on" family relationships or ask yourself what you are contributing to the world were novel ideas. That won't be the case for mustachians, but the categories are totally up to you, so you can prompt yourself to do better at whatever is falling by the wayside sometimes. It's easy enough for any of us to fall into a routine of focusing too much on work or fitness and to forget about playing or reaching out to others, etc.
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The boxes and the wheel design above remind me of the "Level 10 Life" personal development charts I saw a lot of bullet journal bloggers were using a couple of years ago.
Here are some examples:
https://littlecoffeefox.com/level-10-life-track-personal-growth/
https://www.productivehappiness.com/level-10-life/
I used them with young people I work with and found them helpful for myself, too. Like any organizational scheme, half the value is clarifying specific goals--not just drifting along. The other half is periodic check-ins where you confront your progress or lack of it and look for the obstacles.
For some of the kids I work with, the idea that you would "work on" family relationships or ask yourself what you are contributing to the world were novel ideas. That won't be the case for mustachians, but the categories are totally up to you, so you can prompt yourself to do better at whatever is falling by the wayside sometimes. It's easy enough for any of us to fall into a routine of focusing too much on work or fitness and to forget about playing or reaching out to others, etc.
I really like those! May need to play with the chart + goal format they have for a while.
Things are still in flux for me. It's hard to make "goals if life goes X direction, radically different goals if that fails and life goes Y direction." But I'm trying, while staying positive... ish... haha.
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I left this reddit post on my phone browser for over a year as a regular reminder. It’s a post by a middle aged man who has basically spent his whole life working towards a better and more stable career. He talks about the dreams he lost, ruined relationships with his family, etc. It’s such a clear, common reminder of “don’t turn into this guy” which seems so easy for so many to do..
https://www.reddit.com/comments/2livoo/
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One concept I've come across recently is something on a site called Raptitude - he talks about the concept of doing a Depth Year. I am going to try this this year. It's very moustachian - the idea is not trying any new hobbies or buying any new things for the sake of wanderlust, but instead, actually going deeper into the hobbies and habits already started. I think many people in our culture (myself included) tend to try a new hobby, buy all the things for that hobby, read all the books, do the thing for a little while, and then move on to the next thing. I have done this with art and craft projects - I'm always noticing what others are doing and thinking "ooh I'd love to try that!" Knitting, crochet, soap making, baking, making jewelry, mold making, etc. Meanwhile I am not doing the things I have already started in the past, and have a relatively medium-depth skill for already, that I could easily deepen, such as painting, writing, and photography. If I choose just one of those things, there is surely enough I could learn over the course of a year to deepen my skills. Instead of moving on to something new all the time, it does make sense to stick to one of the things I've already started, and further those hobbies.
You may want to check out Angela Duckworth's "Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance".
Duckworth's term "Grit" is what we would call Badassity, the drive to accomplish useful stuff by continual effort and learned skill over time.
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I like those radar charts, I need to make one. There are categories that I am aware that I am distinctly lacking in, but also I question if humans actually need to have all areas balanced all the time. As an introvert, I know that I don't have the energy for work, social life and volunteering to be balanced all at the same time. Those are all what I would consider extrovert categories. I know that once the Work bucket can finally be emptied, my energy can be diverted into the social and volunteering buckets. I have a hard enough time making sure I go out and be social with my friends enough today, I don't want to add volunteering to the list, but that is definitely something I see myself doing a few hours a week post FIRE.
I think this will come true for you. As a fellow introvert, w*rk used to take up all my emotional bandwidth. A few friends and my get-away hobbies occupied my remaining time and energy. I didn't volunteer, didn't mind my health, and didn't sleep enough.
Since retiring, I sleep plenty and am growing healthier. I even have energy to volunteer and gradually build my circle of friends.
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Fantastic thread here. The charts and articles already have me reeling. I have trouble sleeping this last year and it’s taken it tole. Maybe a refocusing like the year of nothing new will help.
Down but not out. This winter weather might have its part too but there’s a lot to enjoy.
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I badly need to design my life.
My ideal situation would be that I have unexciting but necessary tasks (liking cleaning up the kitchen, cleaning the bathroom) into such a routine that they just happen almost like muscle memory and also at any one point I've know I've done 'x' for this week and therefore it can be dropped from the mental load. This will stop me thinking "oh I should do that thing" instead of procrastinating and/or half focussing on what ever else I'm doing. I work from home so it's a real problem - imagine me sitting looking at dirty windows, not cleaning them, adding to my mental list, but also not doing my work. I should also add exercise and social/ family stuff into this idea somehow.
My idea was to break everything down and try to have a set time to do cleaning and other household chores each day. Maybe 20 minutes first thing and 10 minutes at night. And then maybe I'd outsource some non-weekly things like cleaning the windows just so they get done. Outside is more hubby's domain but I could do a few minutes of weeding daily and then maybe outsource things like cutting the hedge. I can only do 5 minutes before the trimmer is too heavy to lift!
Outsourcing is not that mustachian and I'll probably find other ways to procrastinate but I thought I'd give it a go for 6 months. Also, if hubby sees me taking care of inside the house then I'll feel a bit more comfortable asking him to do the things that I can't do.
Hopefully the end result of all this is that I will get to work at fun projects and challenges with no guilt.
I have friends that live a pretty regimented life like this and we giggle at it all but hey, they are setting goals and achieving them. The only downside is that they get stressed when their plans get moved but both me and hubby are pretty relaxed and flexible so I don't really see that happening. I think I'm more stressed at having a dirty house.
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The only reason I get things done sometimes is that there's something else I'm procrastinating about even more. But I agree, the mental load of not doing those things far outweighs the effort involved in actually doing them. And yet...procrastination.
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I badly need to design my life.
My ideal situation would be that I have unexciting but necessary tasks (liking cleaning up the kitchen, cleaning the bathroom) into such a routine that they just happen almost like muscle memory and also at any one point I've know I've done 'x' for this week and therefore it can be dropped from the mental load. This will stop me thinking "oh I should do that thing" instead of procrastinating and/or half focussing on what ever else I'm doing. I work from home so it's a real problem - imagine me sitting looking at dirty windows, not cleaning them, adding to my mental list, but also not doing my work. I should also add exercise and social/ family stuff into this idea somehow.
That is my goal, too! I also am home a lot and get both overwhelmed and bored by cleaning. I do have a good friend on the other coast whom I sometimes call up and I clean while chatting on speaker phone (she does the same, it's nice.)
WRT hedge trimmers, I have a battery operated hedge trimmer which is light enough that even a weakling like me can hold it up. Bought it used. I just have yew hedges which grow quite slowly though, and get trimmed once a year.
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Ah! Cleaning folks, a great book I recommend: Dana White's "how to manage your home without losing your mind". She makes the point (and as a "clean person" as she calls us, I totally agree) you'll never get to the point where you don't realize you're cleaning, like spacing out while driving on the highway. But you CAN get to the point where every time you clean it isn't a decision- the decision was pre-made, so that takes a lot of the mental load out of it.
In my life designing news:
-I've been working on structuring my life to have built in socialization. Here's what I have so far: the infertility support group I'm part of meets once a month. Over a year ago now, I reached out to some of the badass ladies in my life and formed a book club- this has been going on monthly and has been a huge success, everyone meshes really well. (Thanks to @flan for the idea for trying this in the first place, I am SO glad I did). And then I've been doing monthly MMM potlucks. So I'm at one group social thing nearly every week. *Really* happy about this, it means there's built in social contact on auto pilot.
-Still been doubling down on health stuff. Signing up for the Imperfect Produce box has helped a ton with our veggie intake. Not that it was bad before, but this gives it a good nudge up. And then it kinda forces me to meal plan, to make sure I use it all up! I'm on two weeks of (kinda) meal planning now, so I'm happy about that.
Areas I feel like have fairly well locked down:
-Sleep
-Cleaning/home environment
-Relationship with husband
-Food more or less? Although there's always room for improvement
-Finances
Areas I still need to do more work:
-Fitness
-Outdoor time/aka my spirituality
-One on one social time with friends
-(Career stuff on hold pending upcoming IVF)
My latest bigger focus has been working toward lower waste, especially plastic waste. This is involving a lot of work and trade offs around budget though.
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Ahhh so happy your book club has been working out so well for you! For me it's been a stable, FI-minded, scheduled source of great social contact, AND it fosters the great habit of reading good books. What a win!
Do you have a book recommendation for a not-clean person? E.g. someone who never cleans on auto-pilot and haaaates scrubbing anything? D:
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Ahhh so happy your book club has been working out so well for you! For me it's been a stable, FI-minded, scheduled source of great social contact, AND it fosters the great habit of reading good books. What a win!
Do you have a book recommendation for a not-clean person? E.g. someone who never cleans on auto-pilot and haaaates scrubbing anything? D:
That's what the book I recommended it. Her blog is called "a slob comes clean", lol. I was trying to say, she was making the point that NO ONE will ever clean on autopilot. But you can at least remove the burden of it always being a decision to do the cleaning then vs some other time by establishing habits around it.
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Ah! Cleaning folks, a great book I recommend: Dana White's "how to manage your home without losing your mind". She makes the point (and as a "clean person" as she calls us, I totally agree) you'll never get to the point where you don't realize you're cleaning, like spacing out while driving on the highway. But you CAN get to the point where every time you clean it isn't a decision- the decision was pre-made, so that takes a lot of the mental load out of it.
In my life designing news:
-I've been working on structuring my life to have built in socialization. Here's what I have so far: the infertility support group I'm part of meets once a month. Over a year ago now, I reached out to some of the badass ladies in my life and formed a book club- this has been going on monthly and has been a huge success, everyone meshes really well. (Thanks to @flan for the idea for trying this in the first place, I am SO glad I did). And then I've been doing monthly MMM potlucks. So I'm at one group social thing nearly every week. *Really* happy about this, it means there's built in social contact on auto pilot.
-Still been doubling down on health stuff. Signing up for the Imperfect Produce box has helped a ton with our veggie intake. Not that it was bad before, but this gives it a good nudge up. And then it kinda forces me to meal plan, to make sure I use it all up! I'm on two weeks of (kinda) meal planning now, so I'm happy about that.
Areas I feel like have fairly well locked down:
-Sleep
-Cleaning/home environment
-Relationship with husband
-Food more or less? Although there's always room for improvement
-Finances
Areas I still need to do more work:
-Fitness
-Outdoor time/aka my spirituality
-One on one social time with friends
-(Career stuff on hold pending upcoming IVF)
My latest bigger focus has been working toward lower waste, especially plastic waste. This is involving a lot of work and trade offs around budget though.
I love everything about this post. So positive and so much self realization. Way to go Bracken Joy!
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I like those radar charts, I need to make one. There are categories that I am aware that I am distinctly lacking in, but also I question if humans actually need to have all areas balanced all the time. As an introvert, I know that I don't have the energy for work, social life and volunteering to be balanced all at the same time. Those are all what I would consider extrovert categories. I know that once the Work bucket can finally be emptied, my energy can be diverted into the social and volunteering buckets. I have a hard enough time making sure I go out and be social with my friends enough today, I don't want to add volunteering to the list, but that is definitely something I see myself doing a few hours a week post FIRE.
I think this will come true for you. As a fellow introvert, w*rk used to take up all my emotional bandwidth. A few friends and my get-away hobbies occupied my remaining time and energy. I didn't volunteer, didn't mind my health, and didn't sleep enough.
Since retiring, I sleep plenty and am growing healthier. I even have energy to volunteer and gradually build my circle of friends.
Thank you for confirming/validating what I hope will happen once I FIRE. I don't expect to wake up and become a different person, but I have become super aware of what working takes away from the rest of my life - it is far more than the 40hrs a week of my time, it is the drain on my life energy that I object to.
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I like those radar charts, I need to make one. There are categories that I am aware that I am distinctly lacking in, but also I question if humans actually need to have all areas balanced all the time. As an introvert, I know that I don't have the energy for work, social life and volunteering to be balanced all at the same time. Those are all what I would consider extrovert categories. I know that once the Work bucket can finally be emptied, my energy can be diverted into the social and volunteering buckets. I have a hard enough time making sure I go out and be social with my friends enough today, I don't want to add volunteering to the list, but that is definitely something I see myself doing a few hours a week post FIRE.
I think this will come true for you. As a fellow introvert, w*rk used to take up all my emotional bandwidth. A few friends and my get-away hobbies occupied my remaining time and energy. I didn't volunteer, didn't mind my health, and didn't sleep enough.
Since retiring, I sleep plenty and am growing healthier. I even have energy to volunteer and gradually build my circle of friends.
Thank you for confirming/validating what I hope will happen once I FIRE. I don't expect to wake up and become a different person, but I have become super aware of what working takes away from the rest of my life - it is far more than the 40hrs a week of my time, it is the drain on my life energy that I object to.
Exactly!
I experience this in both a short term way (general daily exhaustion) and a longer term way (all the things I want to do in life and goals I want to achieve are put on hold due to lack of large chunks of free time).
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What a great thread! I've been keeping a quasi-journal thing that I update periodically in the format of "More of this, Less of this, and On track with this." The formats may differ but the concept is the same. I retired a little over a year ago - a little bit early, although not very early by Mustachian standards. I'm enjoying everyone's comments and will have to go read the original thread (although internet is ALWAYS on top of the "Less of this" list!)
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Thank you for confirming/validating what I hope will happen once I FIRE. I don't expect to wake up and become a different person, but I have become super aware of what working takes away from the rest of my life - it is far more than the 40hrs a week of my time, it is the drain on my life energy that I object to.
You're welcome! DW and I are fellow artists, both visual and musical. FIRE is just amazing for creatives! I must confess that I now often feel bored, especially after years of high pressure w*rk while fighting to cram in my artistic and outdoor passions. While boredom is a big stereotypical fear in retirement, I've discovered that it's a powerful motivator in for artists. In the "boredom" of retirement, I've written my first original songs after playing covers of others' music for decades.
We've also started cooking and eating most meals at home because we have an excess of time and wish to improve our health while reducing spending. I learned to cook chana masala, an Indian chick pea dish, from an online recipe. It's amazing, better than anything in a restaurant! it was an amazing aesthetic experience, and it felt so rewarding to have made such a dish with my own hands.
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That Raptitude site is great! I'm going to enjoy reading it (as well as the Designing Your Life book, which I just electronically borrowed from the library). Now I just have to be careful of going down the rabbit hole of reading, instead of actively doing/designing. :D
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When I'm unhappy with my life situation, I try to focus first on finding problem-solving strategies. However, there are some things in life that can't be solved. E.g., At this particular point in my life, I cannot just stop working. In those situations, I move to distraction/mitigation strategies to make the present more bearable until circumstances change and I can find a more permanent solution.
To be honest, I need to work on building in joyful/meaning-making tasks. Those have been hard for me to find lately, as I've found that being burned out makes it mentally more difficult for me to find joy, even in previously joyful things. And like Dr Kidstache, I am also not particularly Mustachian. I've been experimenting with taking Uber/hiring drivers and greatly inflating my lifestyle (hello, 100% rent increase, multiple international vacations, and increased heating bills) in order to survive.
Well, there have been changes lately. Going through the process of re-designing my life to fit current circumstances. In the past few weeks, in an effort to redesign my life to make it less stressful, I reached out to connections and applied for a new job. Last week, I received a formal offer. With this new job, which starts after the summer, I will be able to:
- Walk to work (no more crowds)
- Live in a better apartment with a reduction in rent
- Get subsidized/free airfare for summer vacations
All without a reduction in savings rate.
I’m looking forward to the change in lifestyle. Just need to get through the next few months.
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Since being Fire'd nearly 4 years ago I would say this has been my biggest struggle and a need for me to Design my Life. I feel a sense of Bi-polar in the way I feel from one week to the next and its so much because I really dont have enough things for "ME" to look forward to that I really love. The one thing that I have got in order and have kept at it is getting to the Y and exercising. I go usually 2 hours a day 6 days a week and only in the last month I started doing some classes like spin class just to meet people. My social life is what I really want to improve on as so much of it was lost on raising our kids.
So i am going to follow along to keep getting some ideas.
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When I'm unhappy with my life situation, I try to focus first on finding problem-solving strategies. However, there are some things in life that can't be solved. E.g., At this particular point in my life, I cannot just stop working. In those situations, I move to distraction/mitigation strategies to make the present more bearable until circumstances change and I can find a more permanent solution.
To be honest, I need to work on building in joyful/meaning-making tasks. Those have been hard for me to find lately, as I've found that being burned out makes it mentally more difficult for me to find joy, even in previously joyful things. And like Dr Kidstache, I am also not particularly Mustachian. I've been experimenting with taking Uber/hiring drivers and greatly inflating my lifestyle (hello, 100% rent increase, multiple international vacations, and increased heating bills) in order to survive.
Well, there have been changes lately. Going through the process of re-designing my life to fit current circumstances. In the past few weeks, in an effort to redesign my life to make it less stressful, I reached out to connections and applied for a new job. Last week, I received a formal offer. With this new job, which starts after the summer, I will be able to:
- Walk to work (no more crowds)
- Live in a better apartment with a reduction in rent
- Get subsidized/free airfare for summer vacations
All without a reduction in savings rate.
I’m looking forward to the change in lifestyle. Just need to get through the next few months.
In only two weeks, you've made an amazing change! Congratulations!!
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Well this was depressing. Not surprising though. The biggest negative impact on my life right now comes from social and work. But at least I learned how to program radar charts and install new fonts! Those hipster e's will always be there for me.
(http://i.imgur.com/32TP63N.jpg)
Edited to add credit for the font to Lauren Thompson/Nymphont (http://www.nymfont.com/2009/06/new-caviar-dreams-font.html?m=1).
I should update this. It'll look more balanced now that I quit my job! I haven't been exercising daily in the last week, so that part is worse, but I feel so much better emotionally. I've seen a bunch of different friends, and my digital isolation had been really dragging me down.
I guess my financial picture will also get a little worse now that I'm not working. I plan on getting back in for 2020, so I'm not worried.
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I enjoy detailed exercises like radar charts, What Color Is Your Parachute, Design Your Life, to give me a snapshot of where I am. Much like close financial or food tracking, step counting, and so on. Useful and can be fun. :)
For longer term success and satisfaction, it works best for me to then back off tracking details and enjoy "good enough" habits and routines. I've found it's really important to me to enjoy the journey or process and avoid over-focussing on any particular outcome. So I've designed my life around a few core routines and a few core checkins - and then I take a zen approach. Being retired really helps with this! I wish I could have been so relaxed while working...but no. The sense of unlimited time in retirement also helps, as others have commented. And having companions and not bosses, colleagues or subordinates! I freakin' love being retired.
So here's what this looks like for me at this point:
Financial: DH and I have a very good idea of our baseline expenses vs our income/nest egg so spend happily with no need to track closely. We will need to plan how to spend/donate a surplus. (!)
Food: two years ago I revamped my approach to food to avoid any calorie/points/fat/other tracking whatsoever and to focus on a healthy and satisfying structure of 3 delicious meals per day, no processed food, and occasional snacks and sweets. I've slowly lost 15 % of my bodyweight (25lbs), never feel hungry, control my blood sugar, and feel great. People here on the Forum pointed out that this sounded a lot like the No S Diet and it is! http://nosdiet.com I also discovered 10 Principles and her approach is even more right on for me. https://www.the10principles.com/blog/
Exercise: I walk 45+ minutes most days, usually as part of errands or other planned trips. I track loosely by time/route and not by number of steps. Kneecap pain sent me to physio, which got me to Aquafit, which encouraged me to add length swimming, as I was already wet :) I took lessons and learned bilateral breathing for the crawl after 50 years of one sided breathing. I still can't believe it. I focus on stroke improvement and only count laps as a side interest. I've been enjoying Total Immersion Swimming's zen approach. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Total_Immersion My goal with all exercise is to do nothing painful and to do something everyday. In it for the long haul!
Time: I volunteer with a school reading program twice a week and attend a weekly language conversation group. These activities are giving me the right amount of structure and socialization beyond close friends and family. I read a lot (20+ books /month) and have found the best habit has been to read regularly for 20-30 minutes every morning before breakfast - and before firing up any screen. This has helped me focus on some books I've "always meant to read". Moby-Dick, anyone? :) I make a point of doing something with a friend at least once a week and with family every two weeks or so; lunch, dinner, movies, walks, art gallery visits. I like to explore neighbourhoods and parks on my own as well and I mean to get back to Julia Cameron's idea of weekly solo "art visits" (from It's Never Too Late).
As you can see, I'm feeling pretty good about my time and my life at this point. But in case I sound too smug I still have a very large Achilles heel - too much random screen time, whether internet or TV. I don't want to schedule all my time because I want to leave time for daydreaming, creative writing, random pleasures. But this free "creative" time can slide all too easily into mindless scrolling. I think I need to do some close tracking here to see the scope of the issue and then need to come up with some "stealth" habit changes like I did with food and exercise. "No screens before breakfast" is working very well but so far my Inner Rebel has blown past other guidelines I've tried. This is a work in progress!
Habits and routines that might be of interest:
- The Creative Habit by Twyla Tharp
- https://thoughtcatalog.com/koty-neelis/2015/01/10-famous-writers-and-their-daily-creative-routines/
I like the simplicity and focus of these writers' routines. They aren't trying to "do it all".
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Some "design your life" thoughts/categories from MMM podcast (https://youtu.be/6sVMQO4_MJo?t=286):
(https://c2.staticflickr.com/8/7806/46853508202_f2bf3cb9ba_b.jpg)
For anyone working a boring job you don't enjoy, design your free time for how you'd like to live in retirement.
Don't look to retirement to make your life better, you have to start making your life better right now, if you want to have any joy after you get to retirement.
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Loving this thread and the Depth Year is exactly what I need!
My depth year will be focusing on:
- Relationships: MrScrewit and my kids at the forefront, but also more time with those friends that have been pushed aside by the young-kids-time-suck in the last few years. I'd like to establish a regular games night at our place.
- Writing: I have a bunch of half-thought-through plots. Finally draft that romance novel I keep claiming I want to write and finishing plotting then drafting then urban fantasy series that's floating in my head.
- Art: I have enough supplies that I can put effort into finally learning to draw better and start to paint. I want to get back into embroidery and textile art.
- Comedy: write more sets and actually sign up for open mics! Look for a writing partner for sketch or long form comedy and do some improv.
- Fitness: getting stronger, getting rid of my back painpain and of course the ever present losing weight. I have previously purchased several HIIT programs and have some YouTube yoga and calisthenics channels I like. I'll be using these rather than starting a gym membership. Also I'm trialling a swim club tomorrow night (ok that's a new thing , but I signed up before reading about the Depth Year)
- Music: now that I have a good quality flute and I'm home at hours when I can practice without disturbing the neighbours outs time to finally do it. The next level would be finding a teacher or orchestra but that would be stage two.
I have a bunch of other things that I wanted to start this year (eg.learning Spanish) but as I haven't started them before they are now excluded from my depth year.
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My life is terribly unbalanced and I know why, but I'm not seeing the way out yet. If I were to do a radar chart, it would be all on the volunteer part, a bit on the social and learning, some on family, and nothing else everywhere else. Last year I probably spent between 20-30 hours a week volunteering for various good causes, and sometimes I spent more time than that. We are quite frugal, but I spend a fair amount of money on donations; plus when I am rushing around I have a tendency to pay the idiot tax on things like takeout and parking tickets. And I have been living like this for years... it's tremendously gratifying to drive around town and see cars stopping at a sign to let school children safely cross a street, and to know that I made that happen; to know that the head of a poor family can now get to work in a donated car because I helped connect the donor with a group; to know that a school in a poor neighborhood has been holding science fairs every year since I started one; but my own life and the lives of my family are medium crappy.
The problem is that when one opens one's eyes to all the dire problems in the world, it's very hard to shut them again. Also as the leader of a small volunteer group, I feel like I can hardly sit back while I'm exhorting others to give of themselves.
Every winter I seem to have a minor physical breakdown which is why you see me here more. I need more "me" time, I need to build in more margins and redundancy, and I am considering going back to work in some paid capacity...
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For anyone working a boring job you don't enjoy, design your free time for how you'd like to live in retirement.
Don't look to retirement to make your life better, you have to start making your life better right now, if you want to have any joy after you get to retirement.
+1
I focused on my life outside of w*rk for decades before retiring. It helped me get through all the w*rk years, but I can't say that my life was balanced then. I w*rked all day, then spent most of the evening on my passions: outdoor stuff, art and music. I ate poorly, sleep poorly (not enough), and started developing heath issues. Eating and hobbies were an escape from w*rk. I didn't have enough time to mind my health.
Now in retirement, I have plenty of time to eat, exercise, and sleep, especially sleep, better. I still enjoy the same passions/hobbies as when I was w*rking. In fact, I'm disappointed that I do NOT do them more frequently than when I was w*rking. My outdoor hobbies are difficult/unpleasant for most of the year due to bad weather.
The main advantage of retirement is that enjoying adequate sleep, cooking food at home, and exercise have replaced the w*rk obligation. Also, I do everything at a much more relaxed pace. I only schedule, at most, one big commitment daily. So, there's much less stressful running around and no w*rk BS.
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This thread really speaks to me.
Since FIRE'ing in 2014 I've executed a rather extensive overhaul of my life. My career, not so affectionately referred to by me as the "meat grinder", was such a complete drain on my life resources that I had let so many things slide into the depths. I recognized the concept of FIRE as a beacon of light in the darkness....a remarkable opportunity to enact radical change...to re-Design my Life. :)
Happy to report that I have done so. My health, mind and body, has been reclaimed. I have long felt a passion for the places that are "home" to me - remarkable regions in Canada and Mexico - but had never had the proper time available to properly immerse myself in thier wonders. I now have large blocks of time in which I pretty much exult in exploring and discovering their secrets.
The list of life improvements FIRE has provided for me is a long one....and many of these have been mentioned in this thread. Relationships (improved existing ones, discovering completely new ones), sleep quality, unencumbered pursuit of hobbies (longtime existing ones and some surprising new ones), learning to cook food that is both healthy AND delicious...etc.
There have many instances of people arriving at FIRE only to feel adrift. Without purpose. My personal experience has been one of revelation and transformation. And it really feels like I'm just getting started. Still tweaking my ultimate life "design". :)
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When I'm unhappy with my life situation, I try to focus first on finding problem-solving strategies. However, there are some things in life that can't be solved. E.g., At this particular point in my life, I cannot just stop working. In those situations, I move to distraction/mitigation strategies to make the present more bearable until circumstances change and I can find a more permanent solution.
To be honest, I need to work on building in joyful/meaning-making tasks. Those have been hard for me to find lately, as I've found that being burned out makes it mentally more difficult for me to find joy, even in previously joyful things. And like Dr Kidstache, I am also not particularly Mustachian. I've been experimenting with taking Uber/hiring drivers and greatly inflating my lifestyle (hello, 100% rent increase, multiple international vacations, and increased heating bills) in order to survive.
Well, there have been changes lately. Going through the process of re-designing my life to fit current circumstances. In the past few weeks, in an effort to redesign my life to make it less stressful, I reached out to connections and applied for a new job. Last week, I received a formal offer. With this new job, which starts after the summer, I will be able to:
- Walk to work (no more crowds)
- Live in a better apartment with a reduction in rent
- Get subsidized/free airfare for summer vacations
All without a reduction in savings rate.
I’m looking forward to the change in lifestyle. Just need to get through the next few months.
In only two weeks, you've made an amazing change! Congratulations!!
@Poundwise Thanks! I'm looking forward to the lifestyle inflation without the expense inflation (actually we are predicting a decrease in expenses).
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My outdoor hobbies are difficult/unpleasant for most of the year due to bad weather.
Sounds familiar. We also have a couple of weather/season dependent hobbies:
- astronomy (dark sky/winter, clear skies and little or no wind)
- DH's free diving (little wind and no heavy rain or wind in the days before)
- mushroom picking (rain a few weeks before, last summer it didn't rain for 6 months or so)
- cross-country skiing (enough snow, not icy)
- DH's ice skating (thick ice and no snow on top of it)
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My life is terribly unbalanced and I know why, but I'm not seeing the way out yet. If I were to do a radar chart, it would be all on the volunteer part, a bit on the social and learning, some on family, and nothing else everywhere else. Last year I probably spent between 20-30 hours a week volunteering for various good causes, and sometimes I spent more time than that. We are quite frugal, but I spend a fair amount of money on donations; plus when I am rushing around I have a tendency to pay the idiot tax on things like takeout and parking tickets. And I have been living like this for years... it's tremendously gratifying to drive around town and see cars stopping at a sign to let school children safely cross a street, and to know that I made that happen; to know that the head of a poor family can now get to work in a donated car because I helped connect the donor with a group; to know that a school in a poor neighborhood has been holding science fairs every year since I started one; but my own life and the lives of my family are medium crappy.
The problem is that when one opens one's eyes to all the dire problems in the world, it's very hard to shut them again. Also as the leader of a small volunteer group, I feel like I can hardly sit back while I'm exhorting others to give of themselves.
Every winter I seem to have a minor physical breakdown which is why you see me here more. I need more "me" time, I need to build in more margins and redundancy, and I am considering going back to work in some paid capacity...
Unsure if you're familiar with any of Adam Grant's work or "Give and Take", but it has some interesting information about being an effective giver/volunteer without burning out and managing time/resources effectively (I struggled with that too).
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@Roots&Wings Thank you, that looks like a very interesting book! I'm a little tired of being on the bottom of the pile, and it would be nice if I could change this without giving up giving!
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I may need that too, since I intend to get back into this type of work in 2020, and I absolutely cannot do it the same way as this last cycle.
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I think the concept of lifestyle design is incredibly important, and incredibly underused for the vast majority of people. We tend to just get on a track and stay there, without really thinking about if it's the right track or not.
I feel like I've been treading water for a long time - but this year is going to be a LOT different. I'm a freelancer and for a long time I've felt like I wasn't really taking advantage of the flexibility this line of work affords - but that's all changing now!
My SO quit their job last month and is transitioning into freelance work. We sold/donated 95% of our stuff, and we're going to travel full-time and be "digital nomads"!
We spent January in Canada visiting family, February will be in the Pacific Northwest with family/friends, and March through June will be in Eastern Europe doing some slow-travel and working from the road. Summer 2019 will likely be a road trip in the US, and Fall/Winter will be either SE Asia or South America (or really... wherever else we want to go!)
We're really excited! Obviously there will be challenges (SO quit a well paying job and is transitioning into a very unknown work situation), but I think it'll be worth it. We're also traveling in dirt-cheap countries, so we won't have to make nearly as much to live the same lifestyle (and save the same amount).
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Great thread! I really enjoyed the raptitude reference.
I got sent here after I posted about trying to form a reading group for the book "Designing Your Life." I find it is helping me refocus some of my thoughts now that I am almost ready to pull the plug. I am struggling with waiting for the day when I walk off the office for good, and also trying to avoid having a "now what?" moment.
Shameless plug (of course). If anyone is interested in reading the book together, hit me up here, on PM, or at my significantly less interesting thread:
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/mustachian-book-club/designing-your-life/
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I forgot to update you all with the fact that I participated in a day of, essentially, chamber music speed dating. Unfortunately an increase in my academic workload means I can't commit to a small ensemble right now, but I enjoyed myself, got my foot in the door, and now I know where to look once I DO have time for that sort of thing. (Perhaps this summer?)
I've put Cal Newport's new book Digital Minimalism on hold at the library, so we'll see how influential that turns out to be.
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Seeing this thread pop up again reminded me to post this "design" approach that might appeal to people who like pondering the future through scenario planning. It's an oldie but goodie from Wired Magazine. I used these steps for long range strategic planning at work but never for my personal life. I'm thinking I may revisit them from that perspective.
It could be useful to help think through big personal decisions like when/where to FIRE or smaller ones like whether to get a pet. :)
Your Future in 5 Easy Steps: Wired Guide to Personal Scenario Planning Step 1
https://www.wired.com/2009/07/future-5-easy-steps-wired-guide-personal-scenario-planning/
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Tagging along.
I feel like I've been treading water over an abyss, for the past year due to some health challenges with my attempts to have a child, so my life is out of control. All I have the mental or emotional energy to do is work (which I do really enjoy, for the most part), but which doesn't align with my vision for my life, and 'life maintenance' which doesn't bring me to higher levels of joy. I am content, for the most part, but it doesn't feel intentional.
My next steps beyond committing to trying this is to read some of the materials referenced, and also to do some journaling around the fear I feel. My designed life would look quite different than my current (primarily in terms of choice of living location, how I spend my time, eventually my career) so it's a little terrifying.
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I forgot to update you all with the fact that I participated in a day of, essentially, chamber music speed dating. Unfortunately an increase in my academic workload means I can't commit to a small ensemble right now, but I enjoyed myself, got my foot in the door, and now I know where to look once I DO have time for that sort of thing. (Perhaps this summer?)
I've put Cal Newport's new book Digital Minimalism on hold at the library, so we'll see how influential that turns out to be.
I was slightly confused by "chamber music speed dating" but it finally dawned on me what it meant. But I had a brilliant new app idea: Stringr.
All you developers out there: you're welcome...
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I forgot to update you all with the fact that I participated in a day of, essentially, chamber music speed dating. Unfortunately an increase in my academic workload means I can't commit to a small ensemble right now, but I enjoyed myself, got my foot in the door, and now I know where to look once I DO have time for that sort of thing. (Perhaps this summer?)
I've put Cal Newport's new book Digital Minimalism on hold at the library, so we'll see how influential that turns out to be.
I was slightly confused by "chamber music speed dating" but it finally dawned on me what it meant. But I had a brilliant new app idea: Stringr.
All you developers out there: you're welcome...
I think you've got the idea. I played with a bunch of different trios/quartets/quintets for an hour each. Good sightreading practice.
Your app would need to have audio clips instead of photos, but I'm sure it could be made to work!
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PTF. There are so many good recommendations in here. I feel like I have a ton of reading to do. I absolutely love the idea of the Depth Year and it's something I definitely want to put into practice.
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PTF. I’m moving soon to what I’m hoping will be my forever home. I’m hoping to use the opportunity to reset some habits and start new ones. I put library holds on a few of the recommended books. I’ve been trying to talk my husband into establishing some new habits and routines now but he doesn’t want to until we move. Hopefully the books will help him agree to it sooner. He recently read Marie Kondo’s book and started cleaning up after himself more (after I spent years asking him to do so). Hoping that having a book to guide our discussions will help us get to a better designed life. Not that there’s anything wrong with our life now, but I think a life design would benefit me. And hopefully my husband too.
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PTF. I’m moving soon to what I’m hoping will be my forever home. I’m hoping to use the opportunity to reset some habits and start new ones.
I think a move makes a great opportunity to re-work routines and habits. I moved last spring and downsized a lot in the process. I have successfully avoided adding new clutter, have continued to move things out that aren't needed, and have changed my leisure activities around a lot as a result of freeing up time that used to be spent maintaining suburban property and cleaning. Hope your spouse will hop on board and you can both enjoy the rewards of the changes you'd like!
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When I'm unhappy with my life situation, I try to focus first on finding problem-solving strategies. However, there are some things in life that can't be solved. E.g., At this particular point in my life, I cannot just stop working. In those situations, I move to distraction/mitigation strategies to make the present more bearable until circumstances change and I can find a more permanent solution.
Well, there have been changes lately. Going through the process of re-designing my life to fit current circumstances. In the past few weeks, in an effort to redesign my life to make it less stressful, I reached out to connections and applied for a new job. Last week, I received a formal offer. With this new job, which starts after the summer, I will be able to:
- Walk to work (no more crowds)
- Live in a better apartment with a reduction in rent
- Get subsidized/free airfare for summer vacations
All without a reduction in savings rate.
I’m looking forward to the change in lifestyle. Just need to get through the next few months.
Just a quick update. In attempting to design a life that's more in line with my values, over the past couple months, I've:
- Given myself permission to take more vacations
- Decided to only work half days on the days I work from home
- Joined a social group
- Tried to get 10,000 steps a day and started intermittent fasting
- Decided to enjoy what I currently have
Lately, stress has been more manageable overall. I asked new company for a furnished apartment (rather than unfurnished) which should lessen stress even more as I do not have to order furniture online and wait around for delivery, even though it means I have less control over the type/quality of furniture. But it's more Mustachian and it means I can save my relocation allowance.
Hopefully, this will tide me over until more semi-permanent changes are made.
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PTF. I’m moving soon to what I’m hoping will be my forever home. I’m hoping to use the opportunity to reset some habits and start new ones.
I think a move makes a great opportunity to re-work routines and habits. I moved last spring and downsized a lot in the process. I have successfully avoided adding new clutter, have continued to move things out that aren't needed, and have changed my leisure activities around a lot as a result of freeing up time that used to be spent maintaining suburban property and cleaning. Hope your spouse will hop on board and you can both enjoy the rewards of the changes you'd like!
Thanks! My husband has been using the “we’ll be moving soon so why bother” thing as an excuse for about four years now (we’ve moved three times in that time span). Since we are planning to never move again, that excuse won’t work anymore. I identified two rooms that I want to keep 100% clutter free even while we’re moving and unpacking, so that I have space to relax in. I don’t want the rest of the house to get too bad, but I also want to be realistic about how much energy we’ll have since we have a lot of projects lined up like removing wallpaper from three bedrooms.
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PTF
I have been laid off and will be (paid) off work April-May-June at least, and then probably use paid out saved vacation to also be off July-Aug. I will look for a new position as we are not FI, but there is no rush. I want to take this time to do a retake on several areas of my life and surroundings:
- our house needs a complete overhaul and decluttering. This has been work in progress for a long time (years and years), but still along way to go since we have only been able to do it slowly and not consistently.
- my health... I really need to exercise. I know I will be out moving much more since I will be free during day time and kids are in school.
- finances - we're pretty good but I will tweak some areas with this new situation
- food - need to do some inventory management, and then create new routines. Looking forward to this.
- work - what will I do going forward? I am not sure I will go back to same type of job and now I will have time to think.
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And another great post from David Cain at Raptitude. Part of a recent list of 10 Most Popular Posts, for those who might not have seen it.
Your Lifestyle Has Already Been Designed
https://www.raptitude.com/2010/07/your-lifestyle-has-already-been-designed/
The point is that if we don't consciously design our lives to reflect our own values, we default to the life that our environment/culture/society designs for us. His post talks about how the 40 hour work week creates a design but I've found that in retirement, where I have total control of my schedule and most of my choices, it's still an ongoing challenge to actively create the life I want and not default to an easy status quo that is less satisfying. Spending money foolishly isn't my problem but spending time well is. It's a great "problem" to have for sure but it shows how challenging living consciously can be.
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I've heard the "gotcha" quote from that article out of context:
The perfect customer is dissatisfied but hopeful, uninterested in serious personal development, highly habituated to the television, working full-time, earning a fair amount, indulging during their free time, and somehow just getting by.
Nothing new to me in the full thing, but good insightful stuff all the same.
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I haven't gotten through all of the posts yet, but I can tell this thread is one I need to be on. <3
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Ditto. Not read the posts yet but going to, want to follow this, nice topic.
One thing I did is read the book 'A new earth' by Eckhart Tolle. Trying to be more conscious.
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I'm not sure if this will be thread hijacking, but what meaningless task in your life do you repeat multiple times? On a trivial note, I realize that I microwave my tea several times a day because it cools before I have a chance to finish (or sometimes, start) drinking it. And what could be done to solve this?
On a more useful basis, what are time sinks in your life?
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I haven't gotten through all of the posts yet, but I can tell this thread is one I need to be on. <3
+1.
Read most of the post earlier (except last ones) but I need to think through some things.
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I'm not sure if this will be thread hijacking, but what meaningless task in your life do you repeat multiple times? On a trivial note, I realize that I microwave my tea several times a day because it cools before I have a chance to finish (or sometimes, start) drinking it. And what could be done to solve this?
On a more useful basis, what are time sinks in your life?
I have a vacuum thermal mug that keeps my coffee hot for so very long, even without a lid (I have a lid that goes on it, but prefer to drink from it as a normal cup). I was shocked when I used a regular mug how quickly it got cold! Highly recommend- they're not that expensive, and it's made a huge difference in me not wasting cold partial cups of coffee.
I do think a question of 'what do I do inefficiently that I could improve on and it would make me happier' is a good one! I'll have to reflect on that.
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You are right @Bracken_Joy, I should use a thermal mug! We own a few already. What stops me is that I also own a lot of cute china mugs and teacups that bring me joy... I select a different pattern each morning according to my mood, but of course this is less than functional.
Another thing that wastes my time is driving kids around. There is one particular activity for which we have no carpool, but I haven't been able to set it up because we don't know any families in it and my son has made no friends there yet. I suppose I should contact the organizer and see if he can put out a notice.
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Honestly, the process of switching to bike commuting was a big one for me. Whenever I have to drive somewhere now I'm struck by how boring it is, how often I'm just sitting still in 2000 pounds of metal. By combining my commute with my exercise it actually saves time. Now it just needs to stop raining/I need to accept getting wet so I can actually do it all week.
The biggest time sink in my life is the addictive circle of web checking (which includes this site). Still waiting on Digital Minimalism. I've found quitting cold turkey just motivates me to get around my blocks, so I'm trying to phase out the sinks gradually.
I'll pay more attention to this question as I go through today!
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I'm not sure if this will be thread hijacking, but what meaningless task in your life do you repeat multiple times? On a trivial note, I realize that I microwave my tea several times a day because it cools before I have a chance to finish (or sometimes, start) drinking it. And what could be done to solve this?
On a more useful basis, what are time sinks in your life?
Without a doubt, the largest time sink of my adult life was maintaining my house and garden. Our house was average sized, about 50 years old, and our yard was large-ish. We were both avid gardeners. If you had asked me five years ago whether I would ever want to ditch the house and garden I'd have said no. But...
Now I live in an apartment--no maintenance at all, and it takes less than an hour of cleaning per weekend. I do my gardening at a community garden which means I am only giving up time during the growing season itself--not maintaining a half acre property year round so that I can grow stuff for 4 months, and not maintaining a bunch of rooms that people no longer live in (kids are grown). It's heavenly. Every week I feel like someone walked up and handed me about 8 free hours.
I'm not going to live in an apartment forever, but this experience has made me very leery of ever returning to the kind of home and yard upkeep situation I was in for @15 years and I'm so glad I had this learning episode.
Day to day, my biggest time sink is texting my friends. It would be faster to just call and have a conversation, and in truth a lot of what we are saying could wait until we are face to face, or be skipped altogether.
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PTF. I'm nowhere near FIRE but I've had a vague sense of dissatisfaction about my life for a while. Objectively, I'm pretty blessed, and many things in my life are working. But I feel like I keep putting things I enjoy or want to do more of on hold (for time or money reasons, or, if I'm being perfectly honest, because my partner is somewhat passive and bound by inertia and I think that rubs off on me sometimes).
I am tired of the go to work/come home/deal with cats/deal with food/collapse on couch in front of TV/immediately fall asleep treadmill. We've had an especially bad winter, so that contributed a lot to me not doing things I enjoy because I didn't want to leave the house and deal with public transport or walking somewhere in brutal weather conditions (I don't have a car). But now it's consistently above freezing so I don't have that excuse any more.
I put the "design your life" book on hold at the library today and look forward to checking it out.
My biggest time sink without a doubt is dealing with food. Does anyone else feel like it just takes so much mental energy? For us: Grocery shopping with no car, so walking to and from while pushing a cart, meal-planning meals that are healthy and not cheesy and carby that I can actually force myself to eat but won't make me gain weight, the actual act of cooking which I have always hated.
We signed up for Instacart during the polar vortex and used it a couple times but it got costly due to our tendency to leave huge tips out of guilt, and we generally feel lazy for using it unless it's genuinely dangerous to go outside. In which case we feel bad for making a driver go out in dangerous conditions! I don't know; it's a significant time savings for us so maybe I should go back to it but that little voice in my head keeps telling me, "really, are you THAT bougie that you cannot shop for your own food?"
I spent most of the winter batch-cooking on weekends but now that it's getting nicer out I would like to not spend every weekend dealing with food in some fashion. Like, this weekend we actually have plans both days and my first thought upon realizing this was "shit! When am I going to deal with food?"
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PTF. I'm nowhere near FIRE but I've had a vague sense of dissatisfaction about my life for a while. Objectively, I'm pretty blessed, and many things in my life are working. But I feel like I keep putting things I enjoy or want to do more of on hold (for time or money reasons, or, if I'm being perfectly honest, because my partner is somewhat passive and bound by inertia and I think that rubs off on me sometimes).
I am tired of the go to work/come home/deal with cats/deal with food/collapse on couch in front of TV/immediately fall asleep treadmill. We've had an especially bad winter, so that contributed a lot to me not doing things I enjoy because I didn't want to leave the house and deal with public transport or walking somewhere in brutal weather conditions (I don't have a car). But now it's consistently above freezing so I don't have that excuse any more.
I put the "design your life" book on hold at the library today and look forward to checking it out.
My biggest time sink without a doubt is dealing with food. Does anyone else feel like it just takes so much mental energy? For us: Grocery shopping with no car, so walking to and from while pushing a cart, meal-planning meals that are healthy and not cheesy and carby that I can actually force myself to eat but won't make me gain weight, the actual act of cooking which I have always hated.
We signed up for Instacart during the polar vortex and used it a couple times but it got costly due to our tendency to leave huge tips out of guilt, and we generally feel lazy for using it unless it's genuinely dangerous to go outside. In which case we feel bad for making a driver go out in dangerous conditions! I don't know; it's a significant time savings for us so maybe I should go back to it but that little voice in my head keeps telling me, "really, are you THAT bougie that you cannot shop for your own food?"
I spent most of the winter batch-cooking on weekends but now that it's getting nicer out I would like to not spend every weekend dealing with food in some fashion. Like, this weekend we actually have plans both days and my first thought upon realizing this was "shit! When am I going to deal with food?"
I absolutely ABSOLUTELY feel you on this one.
Occasionally I get excited about cooking or baking something, but typically it's just a means to an end. I need to eat something healthy so that I can stay alive and thrive and I do not want to have to think about it very much.
What I have found has been REALLY helpful for me... hear me out on this... are little microwavable meals.
I found some at my local Lidl that are based on indian cuisine, and moderately healthy. There are others that I might add some broccoli to (to make them a bit more rounded nutritionally), but are otherwise pretty healthy AND the trays are recyclable.
I kind of had to "give myself permission" to buy these and use them through the week, but they have really helped me save time and kitchen clean up on busy work days. I still cook on the weekends/days off.
I think they probably return about 45 minutes to me each day, maybe 5 days per week, which is pretty good! That's 3+ hours each week that I can be doing something else.
Just a thought! :)
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PTF. I'm nowhere near FIRE but I've had a vague sense of dissatisfaction about my life for a while. Objectively, I'm pretty blessed, and many things in my life are working. But I feel like I keep putting things I enjoy or want to do more of on hold (for time or money reasons, or, if I'm being perfectly honest, because my partner is somewhat passive and bound by inertia and I think that rubs off on me sometimes).
I am tired of the go to work/come home/deal with cats/deal with food/collapse on couch in front of TV/immediately fall asleep treadmill. We've had an especially bad winter, so that contributed a lot to me not doing things I enjoy because I didn't want to leave the house and deal with public transport or walking somewhere in brutal weather conditions (I don't have a car). But now it's consistently above freezing so I don't have that excuse any more.
I put the "design your life" book on hold at the library today and look forward to checking it out.
My biggest time sink without a doubt is dealing with food. Does anyone else feel like it just takes so much mental energy? For us: Grocery shopping with no car, so walking to and from while pushing a cart, meal-planning meals that are healthy and not cheesy and carby that I can actually force myself to eat but won't make me gain weight, the actual act of cooking which I have always hated.
We signed up for Instacart during the polar vortex and used it a couple times but it got costly due to our tendency to leave huge tips out of guilt, and we generally feel lazy for using it unless it's genuinely dangerous to go outside. In which case we feel bad for making a driver go out in dangerous conditions! I don't know; it's a significant time savings for us so maybe I should go back to it but that little voice in my head keeps telling me, "really, are you THAT bougie that you cannot shop for your own food?"
I spent most of the winter batch-cooking on weekends but now that it's getting nicer out I would like to not spend every weekend dealing with food in some fashion. Like, this weekend we actually have plans both days and my first thought upon realizing this was "shit! When am I going to deal with food?"
I absolutely ABSOLUTELY feel you on this one.
Occasionally I get excited about cooking or baking something, but typically it's just a means to an end. I need to eat something healthy so that I can stay alive and thrive and I do not want to have to think about it very much.
What I have found has been REALLY helpful for me... hear me out on this... are little microwavable meals.
I found some at my local Lidl that are based on indian cuisine, and moderately healthy. There are others that I might add some broccoli to (to make them a bit more rounded nutritionally), but are otherwise pretty healthy AND the trays are recyclable.
I kind of had to "give myself permission" to buy these and use them through the week, but they have really helped me save time and kitchen clean up on busy work days. I still cook on the weekends/days off.
I think they probably return about 45 minutes to me each day, maybe 5 days per week, which is pretty good! That's 3+ hours each week that I can be doing something else.
Just a thought! :)
Our grocery stores sell frozen meals that contain a lot of veggies, some meat, pasta or rice and sauce. They are also quite healthy and I have used them occasionally in periods with little time or energi.
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I have biased my lifestyle toward minimal spending, minimal responsibility, maximal time, maximal freedom and maximal travel.
Things that've worked well for me so far. Take from it what you will.
- Staying single with no kids. Means maximal time and money and minimal commitments or responsibilities.
- Contracting rather than permanent employment. Means I get to work in a variety of companies and build my skills. Again, minimal responsibilities. Also easy to get out of a toxic work environment by quitting and taking a new contract.
- Living in a cheap rented room. I don't even rent an apartment, just a room in a house or townhouse. This means I'm essentially guaranteed shelter for life, as my yearly rental costs are a tiny, tiny fraction of my earnings and my overall net worth (definitely less than 4%). And renting is less responsibility, as it's easy to clean just one room and all repairs are taken care of by the landlord.
- Exercising every morning. Gym costs hardly anything in relation to my income, and it's a nice, motivating, energising environment to begin the day in. I try to get up early so I can spend a solid hour. I don't just lift weights, but also do some stretching, some meditation, listen to a podcast, and just generally "get in the zone" for the day.
- Eating clean. By paying attention to my diet, I not only eat healthier, but also spend less on food and get more nutrition per dollar. Just two examples: instead of spending £2.50 on a McMuffin, I spend only £0.25 on a much healthier porridge, seeds and peanut butter combo (fibre, antioxidants); instead of £5 for a take-away lunch, I spend £0.50 on a healthy tin of sardines (Calcium, Vit. D, Omega oils).
- Travelling. While I'm under 35 years of age, I'm taking advantage of every youth visa / work permit program I can find. Currently working abroad in the UK, and planning to work in Ireland, Amsterdam, Canada, USA and New Zealand in the future. Travelling and working seems like a good deal to me, as I can continue wealth accumulation, but still enjoy the change of scenery, and can always afford to take a month or two off work to just explore a new location.
- Gadgets. I've found it worthwhile to put down a bit extra $ for some good quality gadgets that I use every day. While a lot of things in this world are overvalued (homes, brand new cars) I think tech gadgets are often a fair deal, given the much lower price point. So I thought it was worthwhile to drop a couple grand on a quality Macbook, which I use every day. Same deal for my iPhone, my shaver, my electric toothbrush, my backpack, my headphones, etc. All top brands, top quality gear, with excellent warranties so I don't have to fuss about repairs. These gadgets substantially improve my quality of life without making a dent in my net worth.
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Our grocery stores sell frozen meals that contain a lot of veggies, some meat, pasta or rice and sauce. They are also quite healthy and I have used them occasionally in periods with little time or energi.
Nice idea! I've been doing the same, except with fridge rather than frozen meals, as that's my store has.
(I checked the ingredients in the pre-prepared meal I buy most often, and was surprised and delighted to see no sugar or preservatives.)
So for dinner, I buy the fridge meal (400 calories), plus a 500g pack of veggies (broccoli & cauliflower or brussels sprouts), plus some frozen fruit and small flavoured yogurt (non-sugar). Highly nutritious and reasonably healthy.
Works out to about £4.15 for a 600 calorie dinner and dessert.
A little more compared to what I'd pay if I spent an hour cooking every day, but while I'm working full-time on a high income, I consider my time much more valuable than £2 p/hour, so it works for me.
Store-bought meals seem to be constantly getting better too. For the same price, I think these days the offerings are much healthier, more nutritious and tastier than 5 years ago.
I figure it's worth spending a little more on something like a store-bought meal when the overall cost isn't high, it saves you time and it's constantly improving. (All of the above are completely *not* true of homes and cars!)
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PTF. I'm nowhere near FIRE but I've had a vague sense of dissatisfaction about my life for a while. Objectively, I'm pretty blessed, and many things in my life are working. But I feel like I keep putting things I enjoy or want to do more of on hold (for time or money reasons, or, if I'm being perfectly honest, because my partner is somewhat passive and bound by inertia and I think that rubs off on me sometimes).
I am tired of the go to work/come home/deal with cats/deal with food/collapse on couch in front of TV/immediately fall asleep treadmill. We've had an especially bad winter, so that contributed a lot to me not doing things I enjoy because I didn't want to leave the house and deal with public transport or walking somewhere in brutal weather conditions (I don't have a car). But now it's consistently above freezing so I don't have that excuse any more.
I put the "design your life" book on hold at the library today and look forward to checking it out.
My biggest time sink without a doubt is dealing with food. Does anyone else feel like it just takes so much mental energy? For us: Grocery shopping with no car, so walking to and from while pushing a cart, meal-planning meals that are healthy and not cheesy and carby that I can actually force myself to eat but won't make me gain weight, the actual act of cooking which I have always hated.
We signed up for Instacart during the polar vortex and used it a couple times but it got costly due to our tendency to leave huge tips out of guilt, and we generally feel lazy for using it unless it's genuinely dangerous to go outside. In which case we feel bad for making a driver go out in dangerous conditions! I don't know; it's a significant time savings for us so maybe I should go back to it but that little voice in my head keeps telling me, "really, are you THAT bougie that you cannot shop for your own food?"
I spent most of the winter batch-cooking on weekends but now that it's getting nicer out I would like to not spend every weekend dealing with food in some fashion. Like, this weekend we actually have plans both days and my first thought upon realizing this was "shit! When am I going to deal with food?"
I absolutely ABSOLUTELY feel you on this one.
Occasionally I get excited about cooking or baking something, but typically it's just a means to an end. I need to eat something healthy so that I can stay alive and thrive and I do not want to have to think about it very much.
What I have found has been REALLY helpful for me... hear me out on this... are little microwavable meals.
I found some at my local Lidl that are based on indian cuisine, and moderately healthy. There are others that I might add some broccoli to (to make them a bit more rounded nutritionally), but are otherwise pretty healthy AND the trays are recyclable.
I kind of had to "give myself permission" to buy these and use them through the week, but they have really helped me save time and kitchen clean up on busy work days. I still cook on the weekends/days off.
I think they probably return about 45 minutes to me each day, maybe 5 days per week, which is pretty good! That's 3+ hours each week that I can be doing something else.
Just a thought! :)
I do the same thing, but with homemade portioned meals. I dump stuff in a slow cooker at the weekend, which takes maybe half an hour, and then portion and freeze the results, which takes maybe another 20 minutes. I typically get 8 meals for less than one hours work. I go for one pot style meals and then typically heat them in the microwave and open a bag of prebought salad to go with them.
I HATE cooking after work. Last thing I want to do.
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What I have found has been REALLY helpful for me... hear me out on this... are little microwavable meals.
I found some at my local Lidl that are based on indian cuisine, and moderately healthy. There are others that I might add some broccoli to (to make them a bit more rounded nutritionally), but are otherwise pretty healthy AND the trays are recyclable.
I kind of had to "give myself permission" to buy these and use them through the week, but they have really helped me save time and kitchen clean up on busy work days. I still cook on the weekends/days off.
I do this now and then when I know I'm going to be especially busy. I will stock up on premade stuff from Trader Joe's as it tends to have less crap in it. But I have to watch sodium, and packaged meals have so much sodium in them, so this needs to be a sometimes thing.
TJ's low sodium soups in cartons are pretty good though and I try to keep those on hand when I remember, or when I can get there. (we moved and now it's a pain in the ass to get to TJ's with no car)
I do the same thing, but with homemade portioned meals. I dump stuff in a slow cooker at the weekend, which takes maybe half an hour, and then portion and freeze the results, which takes maybe another 20 minutes. I typically get 8 meals for less than one hours work. I go for one pot style meals and then typically heat them in the microwave and open a bag of prebought salad to go with them.
I did this all winter and it worked well, but it still took so much damned time. I didn't mind in the winter since I was less inclined to go outside and was fine with indoor stuff keeping me busy all weekend. I guess I am just a slow cook? All the chopping! I balk at buying pre-chopped veg because it's so $$$. I'm bored of all the recipes I made all winter, but the few times I've tried something new, it has come out horribly and then I have multiple containers of it to choke down. I am looking forward to spring and summer when fruit and veg will be in season and I can just eat huge salads every night (unappealing to me when I'm freezing cold).
Do you have any vegetarian slow-cooker recipes (ETA: that do not involve beans as I seem to have developed an intolerance to them) that you especially love, that don't come out mushy and freeze well? I could definitely use ideas.
I've actually considered doing Hello Fresh or similar just because then I don't have to think about what to cook and stuff's already measured (and perhaps pre-chopped? Do they do that?), but their vegetarian menu wasn't super appealing to me and it just seems so expensive.
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What I have found has been REALLY helpful for me... hear me out on this... are little microwavable meals.
I found some at my local Lidl that are based on indian cuisine, and moderately healthy. There are others that I might add some broccoli to (to make them a bit more rounded nutritionally), but are otherwise pretty healthy AND the trays are recyclable.
I kind of had to "give myself permission" to buy these and use them through the week, but they have really helped me save time and kitchen clean up on busy work days. I still cook on the weekends/days off.
I do this now and then when I know I'm going to be especially busy. I will stock up on premade stuff from Trader Joe's as it tends to have less crap in it. But I have to watch sodium, and packaged meals have so much sodium in them, so this needs to be a sometimes thing.
TJ's low sodium soups in cartons are pretty good though and I try to keep those on hand when I remember, or when I can get there. (we moved and now it's a pain in the ass to get to TJ's with no car)
I do the same thing, but with homemade portioned meals. I dump stuff in a slow cooker at the weekend, which takes maybe half an hour, and then portion and freeze the results, which takes maybe another 20 minutes. I typically get 8 meals for less than one hours work. I go for one pot style meals and then typically heat them in the microwave and open a bag of prebought salad to go with them.
I did this all winter and it worked well, but it still took so much damned time. I didn't mind in the winter since I was less inclined to go outside and was fine with indoor stuff keeping me busy all weekend. I guess I am just a slow cook? All the chopping! I balk at buying pre-chopped veg because it's so $$$. I'm bored of all the recipes I made all winter, but the few times I've tried something new, it has come out horribly and then I have multiple containers of it to choke down. I am looking forward to spring and summer when fruit and veg will be in season and I can just eat huge salads every night (unappealing to me when I'm freezing cold).
Do you have any vegetarian slow-cooker recipes (ETA: that do not involve beans as I seem to have developed an intolerance to them) that you especially love, that don't come out mushy and freeze well? I could definitely use ideas.
I've actually considered doing Hello Fresh or similar just because then I don't have to think about what to cook and stuff's already measured (and perhaps pre-chopped? Do they do that?), but their vegetarian menu wasn't super appealing to me and it just seems so expensive.
I don't do massive amounts of chopping. If it's going in a slow cooker for 8 hours it doesn't need to be all finely chopped. I typically stick say onions in the food processor and give them a quick pulse or two.
My go to slow cooker recipes are
bolognese meat sauce - eaten over pasta, over mashed potato, as pizza sauce etc
nacho chilli with beans - with nacho chips, in burritos, tacos etc etc
chicken noodle and veg soup, no chicken meat - I make this with homemade stock but not meat because the meat develops a yucky texture when frozen. Also use wholemeal spaghetti broken up for noodles because it doesn't go soggy. Serve with shredded baked chicken breast or any shredded meat, or cook tortellini in soup or asian dumplings etc. Or just have plain.
chorizo and barley risotto - amazing to freeze because won't go soggy like rice, I add in spinach etc
tuna pasta bake - ok, it goes a little soggy but it's great comfort food
I also make spinach and feta filo parcels and little pizzas for the freezer, as well as stewed fruit make in slow cooker and cookie dough rolled into cookies. I have a topping ready made in the fridge so to make a fruit crumble (think you yanks call it a crisp) I'm just pulling cooked fruit from freezer, dumping in oven dish, add topping, whack in oven. Same with cookies. I normally would have all of those items in the freezer to choose from when I get home from work. SOOOOOOO nice!
You could make all of the recipes vegetarian without much drama.
Have you thought of hot salads for winter? A big huge tray of roast veg - onion, potato, parsnip, sweet potato, pumpkin, beetroot, carrot - will do half a dozen meals and it's freezable. Once they're heated, wilt in some spinach and add a peri peri swirl?
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Do you have any vegetarian slow-cooker recipes (ETA: that do not involve beans as I seem to have developed an intolerance to them) that you especially love, that don't come out mushy and freeze well? I could definitely use ideas.
I've actually considered doing Hello Fresh or similar just because then I don't have to think about what to cook and stuff's already measured (and perhaps pre-chopped? Do they do that?), but their vegetarian menu wasn't super appealing to me and it just seems so expensive.
I love using my slow cooker to make wheat berries. I don’t have the exact recipe right now but I cook a cup of wheat berries and a little salt in about four cups of water and cook on low until they’re tender, seven to eight hours. When they’re done drain them a little if needed and mix in whatever sounds good. Our go to is ricotta cheese, honey and cinnamon but pretty much anything that would be good on oatmeal would be good on wheat berries.
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I read Dana White’s How to Manage Your Home without Losing Your Mind thanks to a recommendation on this thread and I think it will be helpful for setting up our new home and adjusting to new cleaning routines when my husband and I move in three weeks. Right now we’re in the middle of packing so there are boxes all over. I get overwhelmed at times but it’s only temporary. I made a moving supply box for things like tape and scissors and it’s currently the most organized part of my life and is strangely calming.
I also checked out Designing Your Life and I think it will be extremely beneficial for me. I paged through it a little but I haven’t had the energy to read it. I’ll be dog sitting at a friend’s house for a week before I move which might be a good time to read it and work through the exercises. (Dog sitting was planned before the offer on our house was accepted. I’m not thrilled about the timing but I don’t want to back out on this commitment so I’ll just make it work. Also my friend’s dog is the best dog ever and super easy to watch.)
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I read Dana White’s How to Manage Your Home without Losing Your Mind thanks to a recommendation on this thread and I think it will be helpful for setting up our new home and adjusting to new cleaning routines when my husband and I move in three weeks. Right now we’re in the middle of packing so there are boxes all over. I get overwhelmed at times but it’s only temporary. I made a moving supply box for things like tape and scissors and it’s currently the most organized part of my life and is strangely calming.
I also checked out Designing Your Life and I think it will be extremely beneficial for me. I paged through it a little but I haven’t had the energy to read it. I’ll be dog sitting at a friend’s house for a week before I move which might be a good time to read it and work through the exercises. (Dog sitting was planned before the offer on our house was accepted. I’m not thrilled about the timing but I don’t want to back out on this commitment so I’ll just make it work. Also my friend’s dog is the best dog ever and super easy to watch.)
I think people forget that running a household used to be a full time job, even without kids. A housewife wan't just a trophy of sorts, it was hard physical labour to keep a house clean and run the kitchen garden and small livestock. Ok, so we now have appliances and ways of life that negate most of those tasks - but there are different tasks now. I mean, managing your kids after school activities was not a thing in 1800! The fact remains that keeping a household going, clean, tidy, stocked and organised is WORK. Our media presents us with all these examples of how to live life that include huge amounts of money and leisure. That's not reality. It's hours and hours of work a week to run a house, from cleaning, tidying, folding, cooking, paying bills, grocery shopping, managing the car, sorting out needs of pets and kids etc etc. That's NORMAL. Let's all give ourselves a break.
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I think people forget that running a household used to be a full time job, even without kids. A housewife wan't just a trophy of sorts, it was hard physical labour to keep a house clean and run the kitchen garden and small livestock. Ok, so we now have appliances and ways of life that negate most of those tasks - but there are different tasks now. I mean, managing your kids after school activities was not a thing in 1800! The fact remains that keeping a household going, clean, tidy, stocked and organised is WORK. Our media presents us with all these examples of how to live life that include huge amounts of money and leisure. That's not reality. It's hours and hours of work a week to run a house, from cleaning, tidying, folding, cooking, paying bills, grocery shopping, managing the car, sorting out needs of pets and kids etc etc. That's NORMAL. Let's all give ourselves a break.
Indeed, it is a job to run the perfect household. Last year I had a period where I tried to be perfect. I tried to shop the cheapest groceries, I always had everything stocked perfectly, the home was cleaned very regularly. I always took meat out of the freezer the evening before to be thawed in the fridge the next day. Bread is also taken out to be thawed next morning. I got very stressed of it, in combination with lots of other stressy things in my life, combined with too little sleep.
Now I try to relax a bit more. I clean occasionally when I notice something is dirty. I ask DH to help, or he helps me without me asking. For the food, I have relaxed a little bit. Sometimes the house is not perfectly stocked up. Well then, fine.
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I think people forget that running a household used to be a full time job, even without kids. A housewife wan't just a trophy of sorts, it was hard physical labour to keep a house clean and run the kitchen garden and small livestock. Ok, so we now have appliances and ways of life that negate most of those tasks - but there are different tasks now. I mean, managing your kids after school activities was not a thing in 1800! The fact remains that keeping a household going, clean, tidy, stocked and organised is WORK. Our media presents us with all these examples of how to live life that include huge amounts of money and leisure. That's not reality. It's hours and hours of work a week to run a house, from cleaning, tidying, folding, cooking, paying bills, grocery shopping, managing the car, sorting out needs of pets and kids etc etc. That's NORMAL. Let's all give ourselves a break.
Indeed, it is a job to run the perfect household. Last year I had a period where I tried to be perfect. I tried to shop the cheapest groceries, I always had everything stocked perfectly, the home was cleaned very regularly. I always took meat out of the freezer the evening before to be thawed in the fridge the next day. Bread is also taken out to be thawed next morning. I got very stressed of it, in combination with lots of other stressy things in my life, combined with too little sleep.
Now I try to relax a bit more. I clean occasionally when I notice something is dirty. I ask DH to help, or he helps me without me asking. For the food, I have relaxed a little bit. Sometimes the house is not perfectly stocked up. Well then, fine.
Why do people clean stuff when it isn't dirty?? I don't get that. Perhaps the toilet does need cleaning regardless of whether it looks clean or not, but why do I need to vacuum if it don't look too bad???
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I think people forget that running a household used to be a full time job, even without kids. A housewife wan't just a trophy of sorts, it was hard physical labour to keep a house clean and run the kitchen garden and small livestock. Ok, so we now have appliances and ways of life that negate most of those tasks - but there are different tasks now. I mean, managing your kids after school activities was not a thing in 1800! The fact remains that keeping a household going, clean, tidy, stocked and organised is WORK. Our media presents us with all these examples of how to live life that include huge amounts of money and leisure. That's not reality. It's hours and hours of work a week to run a house, from cleaning, tidying, folding, cooking, paying bills, grocery shopping, managing the car, sorting out needs of pets and kids etc etc. That's NORMAL. Let's all give ourselves a break.
Indeed, it is a job to run the perfect household. Last year I had a period where I tried to be perfect. I tried to shop the cheapest groceries, I always had everything stocked perfectly, the home was cleaned very regularly. I always took meat out of the freezer the evening before to be thawed in the fridge the next day. Bread is also taken out to be thawed next morning. I got very stressed of it, in combination with lots of other stressy things in my life, combined with too little sleep.
Now I try to relax a bit more. I clean occasionally when I notice something is dirty. I ask DH to help, or he helps me without me asking. For the food, I have relaxed a little bit. Sometimes the house is not perfectly stocked up. Well then, fine.
I agree that keeping up a house is a job! Last week I gave up our cleaning routine. I’m trying to keep up on laundry, the kitchen counters, and the bathroom so we can still function, but everything else can be done when we move out. My husband and I have a chore chart that we’ve been using with moderate success for several months, but that’s all out the window now.
Part of my goal as far as designing my life is to set up a routine in our new house so that we do specific tasks on specific days and I don’t have to keep asking my husband to do his chores. He definitely has the “slob vision” that Dana White talks about. I’ve always assumed it was because he grew up in a family with a strictly gendered division of labor and was never expected to notice when the house needed cleaning, but I’m starting to think that there’s more to it than that. We’re giving ourselves a month after we move to fully unpack, and after that we’ll work on a new system. Our current chore chart is divided into daily/weekly/monthly items and the only thing my husband consistently does without me reminding him to is feed the cat. I find it exhausting to try to get him to do the chores he agreed to do, and have discussed that with him multiple times, but even when he remembers it’s time to do something there’s a good chance he’ll say that he’ll do it later and then won’t. If we can’t get a solid routine going in the new house, I’m going to tell my husband that how we split up our chores needs to factor in me being the one who does all the remembering and reminding. I’d prefer it if he just remembered but if he won’t/can’t then I want him to pick up some extra responsibilities to make up for it. We both work equal amounts so there’s no reason that managing the house should fall to me.
/rant
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Part of my goal as far as designing my life is to set up a routine in our new house so that we do specific tasks on specific days and I don’t have to keep asking my husband to do his chores. He definitely has the “slob vision” that Dana White talks about. I’ve always assumed it was because he grew up in a family with a strictly gendered division of labor and was never expected to notice when the house needed cleaning, but I’m starting to think that there’s more to it than that. We’re giving ourselves a month after we move to fully unpack, and after that we’ll work on a new system. Our current chore chart is divided into daily/weekly/monthly items and the only thing my husband consistently does without me reminding him to is feed the cat. I find it exhausting to try to get him to do the chores he agreed to do, and have discussed that with him multiple times, but even when he remembers it’s time to do something there’s a good chance he’ll say that he’ll do it later and then won’t. If we can’t get a solid routine going in the new house, I’m going to tell my husband that how we split up our chores needs to factor in me being the one who does all the remembering and reminding. I’d prefer it if he just remembered but if he won’t/can’t then I want him to pick up some extra responsibilities to make up for it. We both work equal amounts so there’s no reason that managing the house should fall to me.
/rant
*cough* https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ (https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
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Ok, so we now have appliances and ways of life that negate most of those tasks - but there are different tasks now. I mean, managing your kids after school activities was not a thing in 1800! The fact remains that keeping a household going, clean, tidy, stocked and organised is WORK. Our media presents us with all these examples of how to live life that include huge amounts of money and leisure. That's not reality. It's hours and hours of work a week to run a house, from cleaning, tidying, folding, cooking, paying bills, grocery shopping, managing the car, sorting out needs of pets and kids etc etc. That's NORMAL. Let's all give ourselves a break.
So true. One other task that is wearing on me is how often items break. I accumulate so many broken things, and it's a stress on me to repair or replace them. I know that part of my problem is that I don't like to throw away fixable things, and for larger appliances I DIY, but I don't know how other people manage just replacing them or hiring out repairs. They must spend so much money!
Or else is it because I have too many old things? Or we don't make enough money to own so many things?
I believe the answer must be to have fewer things. I've been decluttering more than I have accumulated this year, but the process seems endless.
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Ok, so we now have appliances and ways of life that negate most of those tasks - but there are different tasks now. I mean, managing your kids after school activities was not a thing in 1800! The fact remains that keeping a household going, clean, tidy, stocked and organised is WORK. Our media presents us with all these examples of how to live life that include huge amounts of money and leisure. That's not reality. It's hours and hours of work a week to run a house, from cleaning, tidying, folding, cooking, paying bills, grocery shopping, managing the car, sorting out needs of pets and kids etc etc. That's NORMAL. Let's all give ourselves a break.
So true. One other task that is wearing on me is how often items break. I accumulate so many broken things, and it's a stress on me to repair or replace them. I know that part of my problem is that I don't like to throw away fixable things, and for larger appliances I DIY, but I don't know how other people manage just replacing them or hiring out repairs. They must spend so much money!
Or else is it because I have too many old things? Or we don't make enough money to own so many things?
I believe the answer must be to have fewer things. I've been decluttering more than I have accumulated this year, but the process seems endless.
Some things are not produced as solid as they used to be. Like, old refrigerators used to last for 30 years. Modern refrigerators last 7-10 years, at least the ones in my home. The manufacturers don't make enough money if their products last for 30 years.
I also hate it when something breaks, especially when it is my own fault and I dropped it on the floor. It is a waste of money, hassle to replace it, hassle to clean up in some cases. And I feel useless when that happens.
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*cough* https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ (https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
This!
Last might my DH had some time to spend waiting on a train station. It was close to a shop, so he did some shopping. He looked at the grocery list on his phone and bought what I had put there. I hadn't put milk on the list, because that it a stable that I always grab when shopping. Of course he didn't buy milk, and commented that it wasn't on the list. It is exactly that mental work that we do all day, that is the stressful part. When I go shopping, I know the status of the milk, or I check it before I leave home. I always write DH's favorite bread toppings on the list, long before they go empty, otherwise he would only have added them after it got empty. If we had lived as a man, we would not always have that fully stocked home where you never grab in a cupboard without finding a spare item.
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*cough* https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ (https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
This!
Last might my DH had some time to spend waiting on a train station. It was close to a shop, so he did some shopping. He looked at the grocery list on his phone and bought what I had put there. I hadn't put milk on the list, because that it a stable that I always grab when shopping. Of course he didn't buy milk, and commented that it wasn't on the list. It is exactly that mental work that we do all day, that is the stressful part. When I go shopping, I know the status of the milk, or I check it before I leave home. I always write DH's favorite bread toppings on the list, long before they go empty, otherwise he would only have added them after it got empty. If we had lived as a man, we would not always have that fully stocked home where you never grab in a cupboard without finding a spare item.
Comments like these make me heavily question my gender :D
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*cough* https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ (https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
This!
Last might my DH had some time to spend waiting on a train station. It was close to a shop, so he did some shopping. He looked at the grocery list on his phone and bought what I had put there. I hadn't put milk on the list, because that it a stable that I always grab when shopping. Of course he didn't buy milk, and commented that it wasn't on the list. It is exactly that mental work that we do all day, that is the stressful part. When I go shopping, I know the status of the milk, or I check it before I leave home. I always write DH's favorite bread toppings on the list, long before they go empty, otherwise he would only have added them after it got empty. If we had lived as a man, we would not always have that fully stocked home where you never grab in a cupboard without finding a spare item.
Thanks for sharing that comic! We don’t have any children right now but we may in the future. One of the reasons I’m trying to develop a chore system that works better for us is that we both grew up in families where both parents worked but Mom was still responsible for the kids’ laundry/lunches/doctors visits/taking off when they’re sick etc. I don’t recall where I heard it but someone explained the “typical” gendered division of labor as women being responsible for things that have to be done daily/weekly and if not done significantly affect a family’s day to day life, whereas men are responsible for yard work and other projects that can be done less frequently and are more likely to be a one time task. I hope to have a more equitable division of labor, both physical and emotional. My husband does chores, but I usually have to remind/ask/remind him I’ve already asked several times over two days. I’ve asked my husband to come up with a system that he thinks would work for him and he always says he can’t think of anything. Our new agreement is that once we move and unpack, if our new chore chart/system doesn’t get him to do his chores without me asking, we’re going to renegotiate who does what to account for the mental load I’m carrying. In retrospect that feels a bit like planning for failure but I wanted to bring it up before the packing/moving/deep cleaning really gets going.
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*cough* https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ (https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
This!
Last might my DH had some time to spend waiting on a train station. It was close to a shop, so he did some shopping. He looked at the grocery list on his phone and bought what I had put there. I hadn't put milk on the list, because that it a stable that I always grab when shopping. Of course he didn't buy milk, and commented that it wasn't on the list. It is exactly that mental work that we do all day, that is the stressful part. When I go shopping, I know the status of the milk, or I check it before I leave home. I always write DH's favorite bread toppings on the list, long before they go empty, otherwise he would only have added them after it got empty. If we had lived as a man, we would not always have that fully stocked home where you never grab in a cupboard without finding a spare item.
Thanks for sharing that comic! We don’t have any children right now but we may in the future. One of the reasons I’m trying to develop a chore system that works better for us is that we both grew up in families where both parents worked but Mom was still responsible for the kids’ laundry/lunches/doctors visits/taking off when they’re sick etc. I don’t recall where I heard it but someone explained the “typical” gendered division of labor as women being responsible for things that have to be done daily/weekly and if not done significantly affect a family’s day to day life, whereas men are responsible for yard work and other projects that can be done less frequently and are more likely to be a one time task. I hope to have a more equitable division of labor, both physical and emotional. My husband does chores, but I usually have to remind/ask/remind him I’ve already asked several times over two days. I’ve asked my husband to come up with a system that he thinks would work for him and he always says he can’t think of anything. Our new agreement is that once we move and unpack, if our new chore chart/system doesn’t get him to do his chores without me asking, we’re going to renegotiate who does what to account for the mental load I’m carrying. In retrospect that feels a bit like planning for failure but I wanted to bring it up before the packing/moving/deep cleaning really gets going.
It is probably not all gender related, but it has to do with feeling responsible for the household. I have one male colleague who says that he has the lowest threshold in his household for thinking the home needs cleaning. I don't know how it is with the other mental tasks in his household.
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*cough* https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ (https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
This!
Last might my DH had some time to spend waiting on a train station. It was close to a shop, so he did some shopping. He looked at the grocery list on his phone and bought what I had put there. I hadn't put milk on the list, because that it a stable that I always grab when shopping. Of course he didn't buy milk, and commented that it wasn't on the list. It is exactly that mental work that we do all day, that is the stressful part. When I go shopping, I know the status of the milk, or I check it before I leave home. I always write DH's favorite bread toppings on the list, long before they go empty, otherwise he would only have added them after it got empty. If we had lived as a man, we would not always have that fully stocked home where you never grab in a cupboard without finding a spare item.
Thanks for sharing that comic! We don’t have any children right now but we may in the future. One of the reasons I’m trying to develop a chore system that works better for us is that we both grew up in families where both parents worked but Mom was still responsible for the kids’ laundry/lunches/doctors visits/taking off when they’re sick etc. I don’t recall where I heard it but someone explained the “typical” gendered division of labor as women being responsible for things that have to be done daily/weekly and if not done significantly affect a family’s day to day life, whereas men are responsible for yard work and other projects that can be done less frequently and are more likely to be a one time task. I hope to have a more equitable division of labor, both physical and emotional. My husband does chores, but I usually have to remind/ask/remind him I’ve already asked several times over two days. I’ve asked my husband to come up with a system that he thinks would work for him and he always says he can’t think of anything. Our new agreement is that once we move and unpack, if our new chore chart/system doesn’t get him to do his chores without me asking, we’re going to renegotiate who does what to account for the mental load I’m carrying. In retrospect that feels a bit like planning for failure but I wanted to bring it up before the packing/moving/deep cleaning really gets going.
It is probably not all gender related, but it has to do with feeling responsible for the household. I have one male colleague who says that he has the lowest threshold in his household for thinking the home needs cleaning. I don't know how it is with the other mental tasks in his household.
Unfortunately, an a population level, this behavior is definitely gender related.
I had a conversation with my partner before we moved in together about committing to a 50/50 housework split, including that it might not come naturally and we would reevaluate regularly and be flexible about what wasn't working. I can't say that every task is perfectly even - I definitely do most of the meal and grocery planning, but he does at least half of the cooking, including almost all the chopping (my least favorite part) and anytime we cook eggs (he's better at them).* He might even do more than half the cleaning, particularly when I run characteristically late to things and leave a whirlwind mess behind me. Usually I only ask him to do things in the sense of "hey, I did x, can you finish up y?" I almost never have to ask twice. (This goes both ways. I have been politely reminded of the number of weeks in a row he's done laundry.)
I think the important part of that was the upfront buy-in. I think often this struggle becomes "how can I do enough to keep my partner happy (or at least off my back)?" rather than "I promised to take responsibility for half - am I living up to that?" I think it's important to discuss standards and verbally agree to them. We also acknowledged at the beginning that this might not come naturally to either of us - he barely cooked for himself before, for example - and we agreed to be patient with one another's mistakes as long as we were still both committed to the initial agreement.
*Re: earlier cooking discussion - I enjoy the time spent cooking a lot more when it's a collaborative activity with my partner. And also when I don't have to chop. :)
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I'm going to incorporate more walking into my life. I'm overweight, I know it, and it has been getting a lot worse of late. I have little energy and am getting sick a lot, and that impacts so many other parts of my life. This might in fact be the most important thing I do. And it needs to be part of my life, not just something I do for a while and then stop once I lose a little weight and start feeling better. I will walk to pick up kids from school today, instead of driving.
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I'm going to incorporate more walking into my life. I'm overweight, I know it, and it has been getting a lot worse of late. I have little energy and am getting sick a lot, and that impacts so many other parts of my life. This might in fact be the most important thing I do. And it needs to be part of my life, not just something I do for a while and then stop once I lose a little weight and start feeling better. I will walk to pick up kids from school today, instead of driving.
Very good. Also, sleep long enough. That helps regulating your appitite.
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My partner was frustrated this morning at the limited amount of time he has to dedicate to personal projects, and the fact that in general, most of his time must be dedicated to work. He likes his work reasonably well, but presumably on a FIRE forum we all understand that not having control over your schedule is annoying at best.
I started thinking about treating time the way we already treat money - budgeting it carefully to be put toward the things that are most important to us. More for establishing principles than for daily rationing, but still; our time is limited and we should be mindful how we spend it.
For the moment, work is equivalent to my budget's "rent" - I might be working toward not needing that line item eventually, but for now it can't be optimized away, and I have to do my best to work in those constraints. Even assuming 8 hours work and 8 hours sleep, the remaining 8 hours gets chipped away by commute, grooming, food prep, etc.
Here are the principles I would use in time budgeting:
- Sleep is always a top priority, as not having enough of it degrades the quality of everything else. This means budgeting time to FALL asleep in addition to the time intended for sleeping, and any bedtime wind-down activities merit additional time to that.
- Keep free time in large chunks to maximize its effectiveness. Streamlining the morning routine means saving precious minutes for evening leisure.
- Avoid rush hour by commuting early. This is an easy time savings, with added benefits of increasing the sunlight I see daily, easier parking, and general feeling of being a badass when I arrive first feeling refreshed.
- Multitask when it doesn't degrade the quality of my attention. Biking to work takes more time than driving, but less time than driving plus the equivalent amount of exercise. At workplaces that allow/encourage working out at the office and on company time, take advantage.
- But for the most part, pay full attention to the task in front of me for maximum benefits. Multitasking is usually dangerous.
- Embrace productive tasks as hobbies. If I can convince myself to mentally categorize biking, cooking, and DIY as enjoyable tasks that I choose to take on - with the added satisfaction of improving at them over time - then I can increase the proportion of my time I feel I have control over.
- This should be self-explanatory in the budgeting worldview, but I shouldn't spend more time on the internet than I CHOOSE to. If this requires steps to manage addiction-like behaviors, so be it.
- Practice gratitude for the leisure time I do have. In a subsistence economy I certainly would not read this many books.
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@Tass
That was great! Thank you.
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The word Design is so many things to different people.
There is a lot of "design" in my life at work and some in my hobbies but I thrive for more.
One thing I want to do is design a home. It doesn't even need to be the home I live in, I'm quite fond of that one already. It may be a small vacation home, a garage suite, a restored country home, a multi family residence with wheel chair accessible apartment etc. I have all these different ideas in mind, they are so variable yet they all have potential to become a reality in my life.
I grew up in a house designed by my parents. I don't consider either of them that creative, but it was a unique well thought out home. My mom was largely responsible for the layout (an architect finalized the blue prints) & my dad was the general contractor. I was only 3 at the time, but I look back on what an accomplishment it was.
I have always had a knack for architecture, even bingeing on some of the first 3D CAD programs over 20 years ago.
If I was FIRE and had more time & money I would embark on one of these designs. Just the other day I warned my SO something like "You know I really want to design a home, just so you know it is happening within the next 5-10 years."
I know this is not the exact topic of this thread, but I NEED to carve out the time to do this in my life.
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The Design Your Life book finally came off hold at the library and I started reading it yesterday. I've been mostly scanning it, haven't done any of the exercises yet, so maybe this becomes more clear once I have - but I couldn't help raising a skeptical eyebrow at the guy whose "mind map" led him to the idea of running a pirate camp for kids. That's great! Sounds fun. How in hell does one find a job doing that specific thing, or launch it oneself without going deeply into debt?
I am skeptical. But I'm going to start doing the exercises this weekend and see if this starts making more sense.
So far the book's largely about work. For me, though, designing my life at the moment has more to do with "how do I move out of the great frozen white North ASAP?" and less to do with what specific work I am doing. At this time in my life I'm not terribly career-oriented, I just want to do something I don't hate where I'm treated with respect and make a good salary. So I'm interested to see how this book applies to a situation like that.
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Guys, this thread is on a roll. So many great responses.
It's really nice to know you're not alone in some life struggles.
I started thinking about treating time the way we already treat money - budgeting it carefully to be put toward the things that are most important to us. More for establishing principles than for daily rationing, but still; our time is limited and we should be mindful how we spend it.
Oh man, you might really like this:
https://waitbutwhy.com/2016/10/100-blocks-day.html
These, too:
https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/05/life-weeks.html
https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html
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I've read The Tail End before. It's part of what makes me feel really urgently that I need to move closer to my family when my PhD is over. (The fact that my parents adopted more kids since I moved out is another part.)
My life in weeks and my day in ten-minute chunks is a bit too granular a view for me, I think, but a good reminder once in a while.
I better go do something better with the rest of this day than reading the forum.
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Guys, this thread is on a roll. So many great responses.
It's really nice to know you're not alone in some life struggles.
I started thinking about treating time the way we already treat money - budgeting it carefully to be put toward the things that are most important to us. More for establishing principles than for daily rationing, but still; our time is limited and we should be mindful how we spend it.
Oh man, you might really like this:
https://waitbutwhy.com/2016/10/100-blocks-day.html
These, too:
https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/05/life-weeks.html
https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html
This is all very "About at Boy". I used to channel Hugh Grant back when I worked offshore in the Gulf of Mexico. I would often get dropped off at the Bush airport by 10 am and had to kill time until the midnight when I was booked to fly back to Calgary. This was pre 9-11 so you could actually check in that early and easily move in and out of the security areas. I had a whole routine measured out in 15 minute blocks of time. I could not imagine doing this day in/day out for your life.
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All these comments about things (breaking, wearing out, requiring cleaning, being a hassle to maintain or get rid of, etc) remind me why I've been aggressively Marie-Kondo'ing my life for the past several years. I've gotten it to the point that practically all my possessions fit in my large back-pack and small hand luggage.
(Because I always live in shared accommodation, I don't even need to own pots, pans, utensils, etc, as they're all shared. If I ever need to have people over, I can just rent an AirBnB apartment for one night or invite them to a restaurant.)
All these comments about laborious cleaning and housekeeping chores remind me why I live in a small room in shared accommodation, and have done so most of my life, rather than maintaining a multi-room house. (I guess this is easier being single without kids, but then again, even if I did have kids, I'd probably choose a small dwelling and prefer all of us to spend most of our time out of the house, so it doesn't get that dirty.)
Maybe this is "gendered" or whatever but I have never understood the urge to do laborious, time-consuming "house keeping". I have done everything in my power to avoid cleaning - not by living in filth, but by just choosing smaller, simpler dwellings and being ruthlessly minimalist in what I own. I don't know how a woman couldn't live the same way, especially in the 21st century, but maybe I'm biased, having no lived experience being a woman.
Funnily enough, growing up, it was usually my Dad and me doing most of the cleaning, while the ladies - my Mum and three sisters tended to be more focussed on cooking, dressing well, furniture-shopping and wearing makeup. Though I will say my Mum did a brilliant job of painting and renovating the floorboards, almost single-handedly (I was a pretty lousy assistant, in retrospect, which she graciously almost never called me on). I guess I grew up in a slightly a-typical family!
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- Sleep is always a top priority, as not having enough of it degrades the quality of everything else. This means budgeting time to FALL asleep in addition to the time intended for sleeping, and any bedtime wind-down activities merit additional time to that.
- Keep free time in large chunks to maximize its effectiveness. Streamlining the morning routine means saving precious minutes for evening leisure.
- Avoid rush hour by commuting early. This is an easy time savings, with added benefits of increasing the sunlight I see daily, easier parking, and general feeling of being a badass when I arrive first feeling refreshed.
- Multitask when it doesn't degrade the quality of my attention. Biking to work takes more time than driving, but less time than driving plus the equivalent amount of exercise. At workplaces that allow/encourage working out at the office and on company time, take advantage.
- But for the most part, pay full attention to the task in front of me for maximum benefits. Multitasking is usually dangerous.
- Embrace productive tasks as hobbies. If I can convince myself to mentally categorize biking, cooking, and DIY as enjoyable tasks that I choose to take on - with the added satisfaction of improving at them over time - then I can increase the proportion of my time I feel I have control over.
- This should be self-explanatory in the budgeting worldview, but I shouldn't spend more time on the internet than I CHOOSE to. If this requires steps to manage addiction-like behaviors, so be it.
- Practice gratitude for the leisure time I do have. In a subsistence economy I certainly would not read this many books.
Nice tips! I like all these ideas.
I've been making more time to enjoy my mornings. Getting up early to spend more time in the shower, walking and training at the gym, without rushing like a maniac. Gets my day off to a nice start. Then I commute to work late (10:00) and leave work late (7:00), so I miss the peak-hour rush both ways and also pay less in fares.
I try to keep evenings, mornings and weekends free, so I can do lots of walking, thinking, visiting friends or whatever needs doing.
I've also been managing to get to bed by 11ish, so I usually get a decent 7 or 8 hours of sleep.
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I've also been managing to get to bed by 11ish, so I usually get a decent 7 or 8 hours of sleep.
My tentative goal has been to figure out how much sleep I need not to feel groggy in the morning, and for me that is more than 8 hours, maybe more than 9. If I sleep extra long on Saturday, I take it as an indication that I haven't been sleeping enough during the week. Plus, I like to wind down the day by chatting with my partner after we go to bed, so I need to go to bed extra early to accommodate that.
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Maybe this is "gendered" or whatever but I have never understood the urge to do laborious, time-consuming "house keeping". I have done everything in my power to avoid cleaning - not by living in filth, but by just choosing smaller, simpler dwellings and being ruthlessly minimalist in what I own. I don't know how a woman couldn't live the same way, especially in the 21st century, but maybe I'm biased, having no lived experience being a woman.
We can. I do. I have two boxes in storage, but I've been living out of a backpack for over a year. Occasionally I'll stay in one place for a while and accumulate fluff, but that gets cut real fast when it's time to get on a plane.
I'm curious, do you think no women live in small spaces and own few things? Because you seem to think so, even though you got to this point by Marie Kondo-ing your stuff. :P
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I'm curious, do you think no women live in small spaces and own few things? Because you seem to think so, even though you got to this point by Marie Kondo-ing your stuff. :P
Good point!
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It is also possible to live in a larger space and not have to spend a ton of time on cleaning. We follow the Asian custom of leaving shoes at the door. That one habit reduces your cleaning needs by probably 50-70%, depending on climate. We also do things like using a squeegee on the glass shower doors, I wipe down bathroom counters and sinks with the washcloth I just used in the shower before throwing it in the hamper, etc. Unless you have small children, most clothing doesn't need to be washed after just one wear. Wear an apron in the kitchen. Little changes that take a few minutes a pop greatly reduce the time spent on more onerous cleaning tasks.
In Scandinavia we also leave the shoes at the door. Still, my floor gets dirty from the dust, and my own hair. But at least, there is no dirt from outside.
On my days off, I usually wear a woollen undershirt which can be worn for days without washing. But at work, I put on a clean shirt every day, because I don't want to carry around body odors at work. And my normal shirts do smell of deodorant/sweat after a normal day at work.
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I had forgotten about this thread until someone mentioned the Designing your Life book in the journals. But I think I hadn't really forgotten about it because this topic has definitely been coming up in therapy a good bit the last couple of months. So, just bumping to see how everyone is doing. And to remind myself to reread this thread at the weekend and see if I can get my hands on the book.
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This is a great thread, lots of good links!. I'm going to order the book and I've just bought some of the habit planners from Best Self.
I am one of those introverts that uses up all their energy at work and is too tired to do anything but the basics at home. I use the wheel of life with my clients and I know I'm quite out of balance at the moment. I don't have much longer to work but I need to make some changes before I retire, particularly health wise. Time for me to simplify and streamline.
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Posting to follow. You all are inspiring.
I've found that over the years, my "plan for maximum happiness/fulfillment" has changed as my priorities have shifted. Therefore, built into the plan is the need to re-evaluate the plan every 3-5 years.
Whenever I find myself starting to feel unfulfilled, unmotivated, uncomfortable, I ask myself a few questions to help me clarify my values and goals for that season:
1. If I can magically take away anything from my life right now, what would I take away? Why would I take that away? How is it causing me pain right now?
2. If the thing(s) I want to take away can't be removed, what would make my life better right now? What can I put into my life to alleviate or mitigate the pain?
I've found that "positive" tasks usually fall into three categories: distraction tasks, problem-solving tasks, and joyful/meaning-making tasks. Some tasks help you feel better becaues they distract you from the painful situation (e.g., alcohol, visualizing being on a beach when you're getting a needle). These are short-term, in-the-moment solutions. Other tasks help you feel better because they help you solve the problem (e.g., changing your mindset, changing the situation). These are longer-term solutions. The third type doesn't just remove pain, it adds joy.
When I'm unhappy with my life situation, I try to focus first on finding problem-solving strategies. However, there are some things in life that can't be solved. E.g., At this particular point in my life, I cannot just stop working. In those situations, I move to distraction/mitigation strategies to make the present more bearable until circumstances change and I can find a more permanent solution.
To be honest, I need to work on building in joyful/meaning-making tasks. Those have been hard for me to find lately, as I've found that being burned out makes it mentally more difficult for me to find joy, even in previously joyful things. And like Dr Kidstache, I am also not particularly Mustachian. I've been experimenting with taking Uber/hiring drivers and greatly inflating my lifestyle (hello, 100% rent increase, multiple international vacations, and increased heating bills) in order to survive.
A lot has changed in the past almost 2 years. Our entire lifestyle is now different. Since I posted the above:
1. We’ve moved to an apartment that is 5x more expensive and twice as large. It’s also well-designed and the construction quality is very good for China.
2. I’ve changed jobs so we have a 10-minute commute by bike to work and to school in a quiet neighborhood.
3. I have better work hours - no more evenings and weekends.
4. I almost exclusively use grocery delivery services to avoid battling the crowds in the stores.
5. I try always to be engaged in one extracurricular project that makes me happy. Right now it’s crocheting Christmas things.
By changing jobs, I took away the things that were causing me pain (crappy housing, hearing domestic violence and the neighbors beat their kid, jostling with rude people on public transportation, long hours and not being able to spend time with DD, lack of space to do projects and crafting at home), which then created space for me to fill my life with the things I enjoy.
And I was able to do this while increasing our monthly savings since our compensation packages have increased over the past two years. We are in a good place right now.
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A lot has changed in the past almost 2 years. Our entire lifestyle is now different. Since I posted the above:
1. We’ve moved to an apartment that is 5x more expensive and twice as large. It’s also well-designed and the construction quality is very good for China.
2. I’ve changed jobs so we have a 10-minute commute by bike to work and to school in a quiet neighborhood.
3. I have better work hours - no more evenings and weekends.
4. I almost exclusively use grocery delivery services to avoid battling the crowds in the stores.
5. I try always to be engaged in one extracurricular project that makes me happy. Right now it’s crocheting Christmas things.
By changing jobs, I took away the things that were causing me pain (crappy housing, hearing domestic violence and the neighbors beat their kid, jostling with rude people on public transportation, long hours and not being able to spend time with DD, lack of space to do projects and crafting at home), which then created space for me to fill my life with the things I enjoy.
And I was able to do this while increasing our monthly savings since our compensation packages have increased over the past two years. We are in a good place right now.
This is a wonderful update! It's inspiring me to think forward to more specific goals, since my current goals are a bit amorphous.
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You inspired me to look up the organization that runs the summer orchestra, and it turns out they have a chamber music club. It's for pre-formed ensembles, so not an immediate solution, but they have a concert coming up this Sunday. I figure I'll drop by, see what it's about, and maybe put out feelers about how to find other interested people. :)
What org is this? I'd like to go to the concerts when I move back to SoCal! (and things open up again)
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Sending you a PM.
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I tend to revaluate how I design/craft my life on an almost yearly basis as I find raising kids (1 more year of high school and done!) impacts on everything. This is a genius thread and will need to come back to it often.
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I found this thread for the first time today, and I think I need it now. It'll take me a while to read through everything, but I really like what I see so far.
I try to re-evaluate where I'm at in my life every so often, but I do little to be pro-active about designing near-term goals to improve it. I'm hoping to find some inspiration here.