30 Days of Self-Compassion

[koshtra]

Oh, hugs, jane x! That's so hard. I hate conditions that get worse with stress -- and there are zillions of them, from low back pain to rheumatoid arthritis -- because they're a vicious circle. Your back hurts because you're stressed and you're stressed because your back hurts, and for a little while they just go round and round reinforcing each other.

The self-care piece Omachi mentioned -- taking the avoidance of stress as a serious health concern -- that's important. When stress gets as far as really messing with your immune system it's playing bloody hell with other systems too. If you're like me, you'll spend a lot of time telling yourself you shouldn't experience so much stress. For me a big opportunity for self-compassion is right there: I can stop telling myself that, or anyway answer back to myself. Why shouldn't I be stressed? What makes me the one person in the world who doesn't have a right to find this weird, complicated, harrying, blind-siding modern world stressful?

And then it's worth getting an accurate sense for *what* exactly you find stressful. It may or may not be what other people would expect to be stressful. With some planning and help you may be able to steer around some of the worst stressors.

Meditation was a big help for me. And learning to tell other people close to me ("confess" is what I really mean, because I felt that experiencing stress was a sin. Turns out not everybody sees it that way. Huh.)

Another help was Robert Sapolsky's book about stress in primates, "Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers." It had a big impact on me, getting me past thinking of experiencing stress as a personality defect and thinking of it, instead, as part of the biology of social mammals.

[Hirondelle]

Speaking of monks and a woman...

Just now, I was cleaning my fridge. It's a self-care day, in which I get to do whatever I like! And I like creating cleanliness :)     When I moved in to my amazing place, it was very lightly cleaned. Any intensive cleaning was left for me to do. Two months in, I found today is one in which our fridge has only six things in it -an excellent day to tackle it, before I get groceries. It's looked "fine" to me, but the other day I noticed some little crumbs I would love to clear out. In approaching those, I found a bit more...so pulled a drawer out and found a stain...

I pulled out my handy dandy new magic eraser and was delighted as things I'd assumed were permanent came up!

As I continued to scrub and wipe, the following took place in my head:

"They only lightly cleaned it, now I'm intensively cleaning...yet when I move out, I will intensively clean again, because that's what I do. Well, that's okay, that's just fine... I like that I will prepare it so well for the next person... Oh yes, it's like at the monk retreat I stay at sometimes: When we exit, we're asked to clean our own room thoroughly, and to think of the next struggling person who will arrive, and clean it for them, being prayerful in the activity, blessing that next person while we prepare the space for them.

So, here I am, perhaps years in advance, doing the first round of preparations for the wonderful person who will come after me, tired and struggling, and grateful for a clean happy space...  Yes!

Oh! Wait! I am that person! I am the person for whom I am cleaning this space. I am the person I am blessing. For the next months or years or decades I will have a shiny, sparkling fridge because I took the time and effort to bless it for her. What a lovely gift. Thank you."

Cleaning my fridge this morning -blessing the space for the next person, who happens to be me- is an act of self-compassion.

I just happened to have cleaned my fridge and freezer yesterday, came into this thread to have a read and had to laugh out loud at this one.

I think I'm not too bad at self-compassion to start with, but I'll be here to cheer on everyone!

[Anatidae V]

Last week, I had to do something that was really scary for me. It happens that it also happens to young babies (getting a vaccine).

"Why can't you just get it? It's not that scary or dangerous, it's perfectly safe, even young babies get vaccines!" In a chastising tone, became:
"It's ok, it hurts a little and you don't have to like it. Give yourself a big hug like you're a little baby who is about to get their vaccine, and know that it's protecting you just like the hug is. We want babies safe so we vaccinate them, and I want you to feel as safe as a little baby".

I also took chocolate along to eat afterwards, that helped too.

[omachi]

@jane x - I'm glad my post was of some help. Just to share, I had horrific back acne when I was younger. Two decades later I still have the craters and the scars from it, and I'm certain it's never going away. I had tried medication back then, but it didn't help much and caused other problems. I'm glad it has stopped, because it was painful, but my shoulders are still scarred. It was a source of insecurity for a while.

I'm not sharing to put us on the same level. Your outbreaks are ongoing and they're in a move visible place. My scars aren't visible with a shirt on. Yours is the heavier burden to bear.

I share instead because I'm over it and hope it at least shows you can be too. I share to let you know that I know at least a part of where you're coming from. And I am over it. When I go swimming, my back is bare. When I work out, even at a gym, I often wear a top that shows the scars. If somebody breaks social norms and asks about them, I explain and don't feel any different afterward. I still see them in the mirror. They're mine. They're part of me. They don't have to change who I am. They don't make me any less a person. They're just scars.

I think a big part of what helped me get over it was when (not yet at the time) DW asked if my shoulders still hurt, said she was glad they didn't, then never brought it up again. It sort of gave me permission to not care so much about it. So if an internet stranger's acceptance is of any help, I'll repeat that I don't think your scars should diminish or define you. I bet if you ask any of the important people in your life, they'd agree.

[wildbeast]

Oh, hugs, jane x! That's so hard. I hate conditions that get worse with stress -- and there are zillions of them, from low back pain to rheumatoid arthritis -- because they're a vicious circle. Your back hurts because you're stressed and you're stressed because your back hurts, and for a little while they just go round and round reinforcing each other.

The self-care piece Omachi mentioned -- taking the avoidance of stress as a serious health concern -- that's important. When stress gets as far as really messing with your immune system it's playing bloody hell with other systems too. If you're like me, you'll spend a lot of time telling yourself you shouldn't experience so much stress. For me a big opportunity for self-compassion is right there: I can stop telling myself that, or anyway answer back to myself. Why shouldn't I be stressed? What makes me the one person in the world who doesn't have a right to find this weird, complicated, harrying, blind-siding modern world stressful?

And then it's worth getting an accurate sense for *what* exactly you find stressful. It may or may not be what other people would expect to be stressful. With some planning and help you may be able to steer around some of the worst stressors.

Meditation was a big help for me. And learning to tell other people close to me ("confess" is what I really mean, because I felt that experiencing stress was a sin. Turns out not everybody sees it that way. Huh.)

Another help was Robert Sapolsky's book about stress in primates, "Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers." It had a big impact on me, getting me past thinking of experiencing stress as a personality defect and thinking of it, instead, as part of the biology of social mammals.

Thanks @koshtra - I appreciate the support.  I read your post this morning and was thinking about it on my walk.  If I accept that I'm going to be stressed, and better yet if I identify my stressors, then I can prepare for it and lessen the impact.  Kinda like wearing a helmet when you ride a bike!  :)  The helmet isn't going to prevent a fall, and it won't prevent all damage, but it can certainly lessen the damage. And I think it would also significantly reduce the fear and anxiety over potential stressful events - whether real or imagined. 

I'm going to check out the zebra book.  It sounds very interesting.  And I'll probably have some more comments later after I've processed your post a bit more.  Thanks again!

 

[joonifloofeefloo]

My big exercise in self-compassion is implementing a series of short forum breaks for me. This was upon my wise teenager's suggestion, lol. I'd been feeling a bit fragile the last little while, and some things on the forum were really exacerbating that, so I felt my son was right. But I wanted to check in and let my forum buddies know I'm fine and also to connect with this thread.

I took about 48 hours (?) off, and used it to start rebuilding myself through rest, solitude, nutrition, getting some stuff done, sessions of three hours at the coffee shop... YAY! Lots of love and kindness to myself while I adjust to my son's intensive new therapy schedule.

[joonifloofeefloo]

jane x, in terms of self-compassion (as opposed to physical healing) re: cystic acne, I want to share... I too had severe, cystic acne. I found it devastating. It made me very self-conscious, sad, sometimes self-hating. Long before the condition physically healed, counsellors walked me through exercises like: becoming willing to gaze at myself in a mirror (I hadn't for literally years); then gazing at myself and saying nice things to myself via the reflection; then holding any part of my body and saying kind and grateful things to it.

Through various means, the acne did heal and what a relief, of course. (It can be too easy to talk about self-compassion in relation to this if we don't have it!) But I also feel like those teachings were excellent, because they seem to have stuck. At 47, I would (if I had to) give myself the same objective rating of my looks as then, but gosh, there's a lot of kindness and laughter in my subjective take now ;)

I'm very inspired by what seems to be a new generation of healthy, obese people who are successfully holding themselves in love despite society's quirky obsessions. They seem to be on target here.

[Serendip]

Thanks to all for sharing your experience and stories. It is a privilege and pleasure to be here for each other in this way.

Today I walked in the sun (while listening to Tara Brachs talk about addiction "the realm of the hungry ghosts" where she spoke about how addiction is not healed by self-loathing and shame but by acceptance and love "Love is always loving")

Then I swam, and was accepting of my not-so-gentle-self wanting privacy versus swimsuiting in front of random people. How hard we are on ourselves..
I agree with you @jooniFLORisploo , the culture is quirky and if we pay attention, only a very small number would feel worthy of love due to the standards set out. How about we love all of us? How radical would that be.

Loving...my legs that may have spider veins and cellulite but have carried me up mountains, including to Everest base camp and do hiking/active feats regularly and somehow I  am hard on them for not being the right shape/tone? It's a bizarre cycle.

I want the confidence of self-love. And somehow I believe it starts with self-compassion.

[wildbeast]

@jane x - I'm glad my post was of some help. Just to share, I had horrific back acne when I was younger. Two decades later I still have the craters and the scars from it, and I'm certain it's never going away. I had tried medication back then, but it didn't help much and caused other problems. I'm glad it has stopped, because it was painful, but my shoulders are still scarred. It was a source of insecurity for a while.

I'm not sharing to put us on the same level. Your outbreaks are ongoing and they're in a move visible place. My scars aren't visible with a shirt on. Yours is the heavier burden to bear.

I share instead because I'm over it and hope it at least shows you can be too. I share to let you know that I know at least a part of where you're coming from. And I am over it. When I go swimming, my back is bare. When I work out, even at a gym, I often wear a top that shows the scars. If somebody breaks social norms and asks about them, I explain and don't feel any different afterward. I still see them in the mirror. They're mine. They're part of me. They don't have to change who I am. They don't make me any less a person. They're just scars.

I think a big part of what helped me get over it was when (not yet at the time) DW asked if my shoulders still hurt, said she was glad they didn't, then never brought it up again. It sort of gave me permission to not care so much about it. So if an internet stranger's acceptance is of any help, I'll repeat that I don't think your scars should diminish or define you. I bet if you ask any of the important people in your life, they'd agree.

Thanks @omachi - I appreciate your sharing and your generous gift of acceptance.  Your post made me think about how we perceive our value relative to our imperfections.  One can look at perfectionism as the opposite of self-compassion because it's a belief that only that which is perfect is acceptable.  So we tally up our imperfections and deduct them from our value as human beings.  What a conflict that sets up with nature!  And we are a product of nature.  Hence, we are intrinsically, and beautifully, imperfect, just like every other creature and creation in the universe.  Who decided that anything less than perfection is not good enough? 

So the challenge then becomes - can I see myself as beautifully imperfect and completely worthy of love and acceptance just as I am?  Can I accept, even love, my external and internal imperfections and see them not as flaws to be judged and attacked, but as signs of my humanity?  And powerful reminders of my connection to the natural world.

[wildbeast]

@jooniFLORisploo - I'm so glad you're taking good care of yourself!  You are unfailingly kind and loving to everyone, and for sure that's going to take a toll.  It's going to deplete your resources so you must be careful to replenish and restore often.  And please know that your loving presence lingers and is felt even when you're not here.  The jooni spirit is very strong!!!  :)

Thank you for sharing your own experience with cystic acne.  I think it's hard to understand the effect it has on a person if you haven't suffered from it.  I'm really glad that yours has healed.  I immediately wanted to ask you HOW!  And I stopped myself because I know that it's not as easy as that.  And that what works for one person might not work for another.  But it highlighted how desperate we become to find a solution.  I do try to be loving and gentle with myself, and with my face, but it's still hard. 

I've been really impressed by the model Ashley Graham for her willingness to embrace and celebrate her body and refuse to let others shame her into self-hatred.  I first became aware of her because she was posting bikini photos of herself without any retouching and showing all her cellulite, stretch marks and imperfections.  And when others would post unflattering paparazzi photos of her, she would repost them on her instagram and laugh about it.  And I thought, Wow!  This girl's got GUTS!  And now she redefining beauty on a global scale.  It's awesome. 

[deborah]

Once I had a beautiful SIL, who one day visited me at work. We went shopping together and came back. The receptionists stopped me when we came back and told me how beautiful she was. Every person in the street paused and watched us. It was amazing.

I never want that experience again. How would it be if everyone always watched you?

[G-dog]

Once I had a beautiful SIL, who one day visited me at work. We went shopping together and came back. The receptionists stopped me when we came back and told me how beautiful she was. Every person in the street paused and watched us. It was amazing.

I never want that experience again. How would it be if everyone always watched you?

And everyone feels they can comment on your looks directly to your- like they are doing you a favor.

And how would you feel when they stopped? Relieved? Sad?

[Tris Prior]

I probably should be on this thread, as I really struggle with self-compassion and acceptance. Mainly for me it takes the form of me being pissed at my body for having needs that are not convenient or that I feel make me lazy or out of control (food, sleep/rest, water). I'm really not sure how to change my thinking on this. I feel like my mind should be the boss of my body, not the other way around, but as I get older I'm realizing this is not true. And it makes me so ANGRY. Can anyone relate?

[boy_bye]

Since there has been so much talk about folks having a hard time being compassionate towards their bodies, I would like to tell you all that I wrote a short and funny book specifically about this a few years ago, which you can get on my website for free.

(I don't mean to be spammy at all, but I have heard from many people that this book has been helpful to them in shifting some of the patterns around how we think about our bodies so I wanted to share it with you all.)

[wildbeast]

Once I had a beautiful SIL, who one day visited me at work. We went shopping together and came back. The receptionists stopped me when we came back and told me how beautiful she was. Every person in the street paused and watched us. It was amazing.

I never want that experience again. How would it be if everyone always watched you?

When I have acne flare-ups I get the same reaction of people stopping in their tracks and staring with surprise and often a look of alarm on their faces.  It is not pleasant.  And many people, usually women, will approach me and offer "advice" on how to get rid of the acne.  I know they mean well, so try not to be offended, but sometimes I feel like shouting, "I'm trying everything!"  I have to say though, it's gotten easier to let it go as I've gotten older.  I once ran into a high school classmate and she looked at me, gasped and said, "Oh my God, what HAPPENED to you?!" And a guy I was dating said the same thing when he happened to look at a photo of me before the acne.  Both of these happened years ago and I still remember them, but the newer incidents just kind of fade away and don't have the impact that they once did.  So that is some big progress right there!  :) 

[boy_bye]

Once I had a beautiful SIL, who one day visited me at work. We went shopping together and came back. The receptionists stopped me when we came back and told me how beautiful she was. Every person in the street paused and watched us. It was amazing.

I never want that experience again. How would it be if everyone always watched you?

When I have acne flare-ups I get the same reaction of people stopping in their tracks and staring with surprise and often a look of alarm on their faces.  It is not pleasant.  And many people, usually women, will approach me and offer "advice" on how to get rid of the acne.  I know they mean well, so try not to be offended, but sometimes I feel like shouting, "I'm trying everything!"  I have to say though, it's gotten easier to let it go as I've gotten older.  I once ran into a high school classmate and she looked at me, gasped and said, "Oh my God, what HAPPENED to you?!" And a guy I was dating said the same thing when he happened to look at a photo of me before the acne.  Both of these happened years ago and I still remember them, but the newer incidents just kind of fade away and don't have the impact that they once did.  So that is some big progress right there!  :)

Ugh. I have gotten similar comments about my weight in the past. I started sharing a very clear boundary with those who would make comments -- "I'm not interested in talking about my body with you" -- and the comments have dropped off considerably since then. It can be very hurtful, though.

It seems to me that most people are still embedded in the patriarchal thought structure that a woman's primary value is in the way she looks. When we try to live within a new thought structure -- the way we look is a part of but by far not the most important thing about who we are -- and others are not willing or able to do so, it can be very painful. I will say as a fat lady who is now perfectly fine with the way I look upwards of 99% of the time, it DOES get easier with practice.

[Tris Prior]

My question to you would be - do you want to change the way you relate to your body?  Do you want to stop being angry with it?  Because when I hear you speak about being so angry with your body for expressing its needs, it triggers me.  I'm not sure why, but it does.  In the interest of protecting my body, I would ask that you really ask yourself if you are ready to seek out the practice of self-compassion.  This is a place to build each other up, not tear each other down, or watch someone else tear themselves down.  That's too painful to witness.

I'm sorry that I triggered you; that was not my intent. Yes, I absolutely want to stop being angry with my body! It serves no purpose at all. I would rather feel compassionate about my body's needs, just not quite sure how to get there.

I really like that saying, and I will have to think more about it. And you're right, it probably does have a lot to do with circumstances that might be making my body express its needs more loudly these days.

madgeylou, I will absolutely check out your book! I actually think I downloaded it at some point but never got around to reading it. Very interested in what you have to say on the subject. :)

[koshtra]

Yeah, one of the things I wanted to say is that any self-limiting condition that doesn't have a good working remedy generates tons of folk remedies (because people try stuff, and the last thing they tried before it went away last time "worked.")  V. the common cold, low back pain, etc. A lot of these are stupid to the point of insulting, and people are REALLY aggressive in informing you of their goddamn remedies. So part of your self care is shutting down idiots as rapidly as possible. I hate that shit. (My trade, massage therapy, is rife with folk remedy bullshit. It drives me crazy.)

[G-dog]

One item of self-compassion I need to work on is accepting compliments and accepting gifts. Both are difficult for me - both believing I deserve them, and that the givers are sincere.

[Dollar Slice]

P2F. I've been having a very hard time lately (big medical problems, big work problems, and emotional fallout from a friend dying, all at once) and... I don't know. I think I would benefit from reading along, at a minimum.

Yeah, one of the things I wanted to say is that any self-limiting condition that doesn't have a good working remedy generates tons of folk remedies (because people try stuff, and the last thing they tried before it went away last time "worked.")  V. the common cold, low back pain, etc. A lot of these are stupid to the point of insulting, and people are REALLY aggressive in informing you of their goddamn remedies.

I have a bunch of these sorts of health problems (low back pain, early-onset arthritis, asthma, migraines) and people are always giving me unsolicited advice. (Sometimes without even knowing what the diagnosis is!) It drives me up a wall. They think they're being helpful, but what I hear is that they think this problem is my own fault because I'm too lazy/skeptical/whatever to do their quack remedy that they keep telling me about.

I guess my self care in re: this problem is that every time I mention a medical issue on Facebook (e.g. canceling plans because I have a bad migraine) I add a postscript asking my friends not to post any unsolicited advice. It works pretty well.

[wildbeast]

P2F. I've been having a very hard time lately (big medical problems, big work problems, and emotional fallout from a friend dying, all at once) and... I don't know. I think I would benefit from reading along, at a minimum.

Yeah, one of the things I wanted to say is that any self-limiting condition that doesn't have a good working remedy generates tons of folk remedies (because people try stuff, and the last thing they tried before it went away last time "worked.")  V. the common cold, low back pain, etc. A lot of these are stupid to the point of insulting, and people are REALLY aggressive in informing you of their goddamn remedies.

I have a bunch of these sorts of health problems (low back pain, early-onset arthritis, asthma, migraines) and people are always giving me unsolicited advice. (Sometimes without even knowing what the diagnosis is!) It drives me up a wall. They think they're being helpful, but what I hear is that they think this problem is my own fault because I'm too lazy/skeptical/whatever to do their quack remedy that they keep telling me about.

I guess my self care in re: this problem is that every time I mention a medical issue on Facebook (e.g. canceling plans because I have a bad migraine) I add a postscript asking my friends not to post any unsolicited advice. It works pretty well.

@Dollar Slice - I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time.  ((((((((((( Dollar Slice ))))))))))) 

And I'm also sorry that you have the health problems that cause you pain.  I hope that this thread will provide some comfort for you and be a place where you can share and receive support and encouragement.

[wildbeast]

I just got my new dishwasher delivered and I'm excited.  This purchase is an act of self-compassion on my part.  The past year or so I've been getting bad lower back aches every time I was the dishes.  I wash by hand, I've never had a dishwasher before.  Since we cook from scratch and eat most of our meals at home there are always dishes, pots and pans to wash and washing them is one of my chores.  Dh always offers but he has to get up at 5:30 am to go to work so I think it's only fair that I do the dishes.  And recently I've been getting the worst hot flushes when I do the dishes.  My face burns up from the heat and humidity rising from the sink.  And it takes a long time for it to subside.  Pretty sure it's perimenopause.

It always felt like too much of an indulgence to spend so much money on a 'want' of mine (the machine plus the new cabinet, new countertop, and labor to install the new plumbing and hook up the machine).  But I finally decided that I didn't want to be standing over the sink washing every night.  It's always been hard for me to spend money when it's purely for my benefit and especially when it's a want.  But I'm really glad I did.

How about if we share some ways that we are showing compassion for ourselves today?  Big or small - it all matters!

[Tris Prior]

I was shocked at how much my quality of life improved when we moved to an apartment with a dishwasher. Good for you!

[Serendip]

Thank you for your courageous & compassionate share @jane x and good job with the dishwasher. Your back and hot-flashes might thank you as well.

 Spending money on ourselves is indeed a skill, done well it truly can be a healing thing, not compulsive but caring.
I have an easy time spending money on hard goods but harder time with things like haircuts, massages, etc (not so because of the mustachian-aspect but the treating-the-self aspect). It's a good kindness to practice I reckon, on occasion :)

Today, I showed compassion for myself by planning some solo down-time.

[Tris Prior]

I'm really sorry that happened to you, jane, and you have nothing to atone for.

Don't want to give details, but there are some similarities in my background. Therapy has helped some, but in some situations (like a situation I'll be in this weekend), that thinking comes back. It's hard to overcome. But you are right, we all deserve to care for ourselves, regardless of what happened in our past.

[joonifloofeefloo]

@jooniFLORisploo - I'm so glad you're taking good care of yourself!  You are unfailingly kind and loving to everyone, and for sure that's going to take a toll.  It's going to deplete your resources so you must be careful to replenish and restore often.  And please know that your loving presence lingers and is felt even when you're not here.  The jooni spirit is very strong!!!  :)

Thank you, jane x :)

For me, it can take strength and courage to be kind and loving in tough places, including speaking up for bullied people, but it doesn't feel like it takes a toll. Other things -poisons, in effect- do take a toll. Unjustified poisons take the biggest one, so I need to scooch around those. That's where the self-compassion comes in: Remembering who I am even if someone makes a story.

Beautiful things have been landing in my email inbox -as well as in my life- including two gorgeous articles, one on self-compassion and one from Captain Awkward on how to cope when people lie about a person to save face in their social group or to protect their own psyche. So, reinforcements have been tumbling in.

And sometimes, self-compassion is as simple as having a giant, sourdough, kimchi, beef burger before heading out on a new schedule :)    That one trick made for my first sustainable day of my child's new therapy schedule. Whew. I had to keep asking myself: What do I need? What elements can transform this from too difficult to lovely? It was a damn morning burger. Who knew?

[Dollar Slice]

How about if we share some ways that we are showing compassion for ourselves today?  Big or small - it all matters!

Had a(nother) tough day yesterday and decided that instead of trying to start catching up on chores, I would just lay in bed all evening and finish my library book.

Tonight I'll attempt laundry... I know I'll feel better if I get it done.

[boy_bye]

For me, it can take strength and courage to be kind and loving in tough places, including speaking up for bullied people, but it doesn't feel like it takes a toll. Other things -poisons, in effect- do take a toll. Unjustified poisons take the biggest one, so I need to scooch around those. That's where the self-compassion comes in: Remembering who I am even if someone makes a story.

I love how you said this! I said something similar to myself during my last big breakup where my ex was telling himself a story that wasn't true -- I don't have any control over what story he tells himself, but I was there and I know what I know. Yours works better as a mantra :)

Beautiful things have been landing in my email inbox -as well as in my life- including two gorgeous articles, one on self-compassion and one from Captain Awkward on how to cope when people lie about a person to save face in their social group or to protect their own psyche. So, reinforcements have been tumbling in.

I would love to read that Captain Awkward piece if it's not too much trouble to share the link?

How about if we share some ways that we are showing compassion for ourselves today?  Big or small - it all matters!

Had a(nother) tough day yesterday and decided that instead of trying to start catching up on chores, I would just lay in bed all evening and finish my library book.

Tonight I'll attempt laundry... I know I'll feel better if I get it done.

I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it, DS. Here's hoping you can get a bit of laundry done and a bit of a boost from it. Of course, if resting is going to help the most, I hope you get lots of that, too.

Today I'm showing compassion for myself by feeding and watering some things that I am interested in outside of my current marriage meltdown, which has consumed a huge amount of my brainpower over the last 6 weeks. (Has it really only been 6 weeks since all this happened? Craziness.)

Anyway I'm taking some steps to refocus on other parts of my life -- financial progress, taking care of my body by recommitting to eating vegetables more regularly and doing my neglected physical therapy exercises.

I also got myself a beautifully-scented candle that is making me feel happy and cared for. Sometimes it's just very little tiny things!

Also, jane x, I can so relate to your happiness about the dishwasher! I don't mind washing dishes by hand most days since there are only a few, but it's so nice to have the option to let a machine do it for me sometimes. I don't have a dishwasher right now but I will in my next apartment :)

[Dollar Slice]

I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it, DS. Here's hoping you can get a bit of laundry done and a bit of a boost from it. Of course, if resting is going to help the most, I hope you get lots of that, too.

Thank you :-) I got all the laundry done and also took out the trash and recycling. Hopefully I will feel better about things in the morning when I'm not looking at all that stuff. I felt so down all day today, so it's hard to tell if it made a difference yet.

I was really shaken up yesterday by a phone call from my mom. Everyone is OK but she had a really bad scare and sounded so upset on the phone (I've never heard her sound like that in my life) that I immediately thought someone had died or that she was badly injured or something like that. To the point that I interrupted her four times in the first two minutes to make sure the person she just mentioned had not been injured or killed. I was SO not ready for that the week after my friend died so suddenly. I feel selfish even saying that since I'm just the passive observer here and nothing bad happened to ME... but... yeah. I could really go for some Xanax... :-/

Tomorrow I have a big work deadline, but I think I'm going to take myself out and do something mustachianly luxurious in the evening. Tacos or a fancy hot chocolate or something.

[Anatidae V]

I have a big work deadline myself, but after a weeks of bad sleep I let myself take the day to play, get through some housework, take naps and eat good food. If I feel up to it tonight, I'll do work then.

I also let my self "bother" DH about hanging with me for a moment while I took my iron supplement, because I knew my anxiety would have a little peak and I've been avoiding it for 2 weeks even though I know I'm borderline low and it's been making me really fatigued. Now I've had it once, i should be less anxious next time - BUT I can always "bother" someone if it helps me care for myself better!

I have been so stressed out took 2 hours to manage some actual sleep for a nap, but I feel so much better!

[deborah]

While I worked, I would occasionally take a week of holidays as a “me” week.This worked very well, but it could be any other length of time. Before it I listed the things that were bugging me, and what I wanted to do about them. Some might be clothes that needed fixing before I could wear them again. A haircut. A door that didn’t seal properly...

I wanted no pressure, so nothing on the list had to be done, but the “me” week was devoted to those things. Each time I achieved a lot of them, and found life was easier because the niggles had been reduced.

[joonifloofeefloo]

I love how you said this! I said something similar to myself during my last big breakup where my ex was telling himself a story that wasn't true -- I don't have any control over what story he tells himself, but I was there and I know what I know.

Thanks, madgeylou! It really helped to hear that someone as awesome as you has been in a similar position and that my words made sense to you.

I would love to read that Captain Awkward piece if it's not too much trouble to share the link?

I read hardly any of this Q&A, but the link is: https://captainawkward.com/2018/05/14/ask-a-manager-my-dad-is-dating-my-boss-and-they-want-me-to-go-to-couples-therapy-with-them/ and the words that caught my attention and gave me much relief were:

Also get ready for Jill (and your dad, by proxy) to tell a bunch of lies about you. Do not use her as a reference, for anything. The  story will become how she gave you a job out of the goodness of her heart and you were bad at it and also ungrateful. The truth is you are pretty good at your job and would thrive in a functional workplace with functional people. The truth is she would have a very hard time finding anyone to replace the work you do, and definitely would have a hard time finding someone who would put up with her whims as patiently as you have, especially for the bullshit low wages she is almost definitely paying you. This is a very hard lesson to learn, but sometimes people will tell stories about you that aren’t true to try to punish you or manipulate you, and your best option out of a bunch of bad options is for you is to let them think and say whatever they want, because for you to stay and try to argue with them or prove them wrong gives them more access to abuse you. Abusive people like Jill are experts in creating an alternate reality, where you are both the worst person who ever lived and someone who is completely irreplaceable and owes it to them to stay forever (and let yourself be abused). It’s easier to get out of this trap when you know it’s coming.

I was just surprised by this info, and happily so. It was just, "Oh! This is just a thing some people do? To save face socially or to protect their own psyche from their mistakes? Oh, okay!"

[joonifloofeefloo]

Third forum break in a week (48-72 hours each, with about half an hour on between those), and each wave has been so helpful. Getting lots of self-care and life admin done, each an act of self-compassion.

But also lots of magic has been happening...externally and internally. For example, for 13 years I have been worried I wasn't quite "good enough" in my parenting. Somehow, despite how hard I worked at each aspect, I should be more or be someone else. It didn't matter what others said, I still had this sense of needing to do better. Yesterday I had perhaps a minute of completely knowing I'm a solidly good mom. Like, knew that to the innermost aspect of my very bones and psyche. It was like seeing myself from the god perspective, or from a perspective of kindness, generous judgement, joy. It was wild.

It feels like the self-compassion of choosing kind, healthy spaces is making room for the "good angels" to show up.

[Serendip]

Awesome @jooniFLORisploo ! A break and space from most things, even the good things can be magical indeed. Lovely to hear. I've uninstalled IG for a week and am also taking a small breaks off other internet-based communities.

A poem I listened to on my meditation app this morning..a bit long but thought I would share.



She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.  She let go of the judgments.  She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.  She let go of the committee of indecision within her.  She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go.  She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go.  She let go of all of the memories that held her back.  She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.  She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

-Safire Rose

[joonifloofeefloo]

How's everyone doing?

I'm currently reading the book Option B. I don't know what I thought it was going to be, but it's even better than that! :)    It's about resiliency through some of the toughest shit. It has a section titled self-compassion.

What I like most in it so far is that when the author's seemingly perfect (definitely amazing, privileged) life is turned upside down by a truly devastating event and she experiences anger like never before, by the time of writing she seems to have compassion for her expressions of this emotion. I'm so glad!

I really believe in the philosophy that we're generally doing the best we can, at any given moment, with what we have and know. Trauma and grief have a way of undoing us, immediately or longer term (until healed). When I have fucked up terribly, it's usually because of trauma or grief. Off hand, I can't think of an instance when this wasn't the case. Sometimes it takes me a long time to forgive myself for a major "misstep". But if I keep trying to, I seem to get there eventually. We all deserve forgiveness -including from ourselves- for the things we did when traumatized or grieving.

[Dollar Slice]

How's everyone doing?

Not great :-(  Didn't manage to do any of the nice things for myself that I'd planned last week. Thursday I unexpectedly had to work really late and Friday I was so exhausted that I just did a couple of errands and went to bed at 8PM. Since then, two co-workers have done things that really stressed me out badly and I've hardly been sleeping at all.

I think the universe felt bad for me, because everywhere I went this weekend, I ran into friends/friendly acquaintances, and people were specially nice to me a couple of times for no apparent reason.

My attempt at self-care today was posting a journal here and asking for advice/help about something that's causing me a lot of anxiety. And using my "caffeine emergency" Coke that I stashed in the fridge a while back.

[joonifloofeefloo]

I think the universe felt bad for me, because...

:))))))

I'm so glad the Universe is taking care of you when it's too hard for you to do more.

Sorry things have been tough, Dollar Slice! I'm going to go look at your journal...

[Tris Prior]

I had to do something that's really physically and emotionally exhausting this weekend - selling my handmade jewelry at a huge convention. This time, I tried acknowledging that what I'm doing is really hard, and telling myself that my reactions to the stress and exhaustion were OK and normal, rather than engaging in the negative self-talk that I usually give myself when I do these events. Didn't always succeed at it, but at least I tried!

And I'm really glad that I decided to take care of myself by taking today off work so that I could rest, because these conventions really drain me. 

[joonifloofeefloo]

This time, I tried acknowledging that what I'm doing is really hard, and telling myself that my reactions to the stress and exhaustion were OK and normal...

Awesome, Tris!!!! From what I'd read on your journals over the last couple of years (?), I know that's a really big step. Proud of you :)    So glad you gave yourself room to rest today too.

[omachi]

I went out an walked 11 miles in one go over the weekend and it was exactly what I needed. Forest was in bloom, sounds of wildlife all around, nice to just get away from everything and stretch the legs for a while. Didn't feel remotely guilty for taking the time for myself. The other stuff could (and did) wait. Sometimes that's hard to acknowledge.

[Tris Prior]

Thanks, joon! I think one thing that helped me to make this shift was looking around during setup and realizing that I was older than probably 90 percent of the other artists there. As in, could've-given-birth-to-these-people younger. This event skews really young in both attendees and vendors. And somehow rather than thinking "oh shit, I am old and decrepit" (OK, I admit that this DID cross my mind, haha!) it occured to me that, "huh. There are a lot of things that I struggle with energy-wise that were no problem when I was in my very early 20s, so I guess it's natural that I am struggling with this too." I can't say I like it, but it is what it is.

[Dollar Slice]

Tris, I had to work conventions a couple of times. It is soooo hard, especially if you are an introvert! One of them I was working across from a booth that was selling flashing/strobing lights and I thought I was going to be the first documented case of sudden-onset epilepsy. My one success was figuring out that if you spend $10 on candy and put it in a bowl in your booth, everyone really likes you all of a sudden and they all feel like they have to stop to say hi and look at your stuff if they want your candy. And they really, really want your candy.

I'm so glad the Universe is taking care of you when it's too hard for you to do more.

Me too! It was funny how much it happened. I totally crapped out on Saturday night and got to a sold-out concert much later than planned, thus ensuring a horrible seat way in the back. But it's that venue where the maitre'd thinks I'm the bees knees, and he found a single seat for me, front row center, sharing a table with the family of the star musician. Went to a matinee alone? Walked up to the place and an acquaintance of mine who lives 100+ miles away is standing all by himself at the door, so pleased to see a friend because his wife was sick and couldn't make it. Feeling awful while grocery shopping? Ran into a particularly fun and cheerful friend near the rotisserie chickens, who was happy to share all the cool stuff he's got going on. Etc. etc.

[joonifloofeefloo]

ha ha!!! Those are some amazing and thrilling examples, Dollar Slice!!!

The universe has been doing some extremely funny things like that in my life lately, too :)   So fun.

[joonifloofeefloo]

Two decisions I made recently re: self compassion.

1. Spend more money on my dreams, personal goals. That was largely unheard of from 1971 through 2016. I started branching out in 2017, panicked a little, and last week decided that yes, this is the right path. Even if I spend $6k on these this year, it is correct now. Most of my life (including spending) has been about service. That was right then. Much of my life is still about service, and now it will also be x% play.

2. My own counsellor. I'd found one for my kid, and they have a great connection, good stuff happens there. But this counsellor has never been a great fit for me. She is kind, but I need more than kindness. I need (from a counsellor) tools, inspiration/example, intellectual understanding of specific matters, me time, consideration of my experience (versus only my child's). I kept wanting to stay with this person because the insurance is already sorted, she's kind, it's one-stop-shopping. But to have myself keep going there -rather than finding the right fit for me- was the opposite of self-compassion. I try my first new one tomorrow.

[koshtra]

2. My own counsellor. I'd found one for my kid, and they have a great connection, good stuff happens there. But this counsellor has never been a great fit for me. She is kind, but I need more than kindness. I need (from a counsellor) tools, inspiration/example, intellectual understanding of specific matters, me time, consideration of my experience (versus only my child's). I kept wanting to stay with this person because the insurance is already sorted, she's kind, it's one-stop-shopping. But to have myself keep going there -rather than finding the right fit for me- was the opposite of self-compassion. I try my first new one tomorrow.

Oh, Lord, I've done that too -- stuck with a counselor because they were really good fit for someone else. (When you say it out loud it sounds kind of like an obvious thing not to do. But lots of things are like that, I guess.) Anyway -- exciting! I hope you get someone terrific.

[joonifloofeefloo]

(When you say it out loud it sounds kind of like an obvious thing not to do.

Made me burst out laughing :)))

Totally approaching this as a shopping expedition. I will try tomorrow's new person out, then as many others as need be. If I'm going to live here for, say, 3-12 years it will be worth the exploration. I've had several excellent-for-me counsellors over the years, and am really looking forward to having another one.

[boy_bye]

DollarSlice, I’m glad the universe is helping you out. Those scenarios you described sound so delightful, it could hardly be anything else.

Jooni, good luck with the new counselor!

Tris, I know what you mean about feeling like you could have given birth to a lot of the people around you 😂 I try to laugh about it now and enjoy my moderate oldness and (maybe?) wisdom.

Omachi, your walk sounds *wonderful*. I had one of those last week myself (6 miles — it was enough!) and it reset my spirit so nicely.

I just came out of a rainy weekend where I had no friend dates lined up, but I did okay.

Friday night I watched some movies had some big cathartic cries and I slept very well.

Saturday I went for a walk in the rain and flipped through some beautiful library books while listening to The Hunger Games which always makes me feel better about my lot in life.

Sunday I finally started packing and got a lot done!

Today I had a massage and I’m about to go buy myself some very frivolous iridescent lip gloss, then go home and eat a big salad and *fingers crossed* get a good night of sleep. 

[wildbeast]

I've been sick for a week and my face has gotten out of control with the acne so I buckled and started taking antibiotics yesterday.  At this point, I've had severe acne for most of the year and I'm at my wit's end.  This will probably trigger nausea.  I'm looking for advice on managing the nausea without the use of lots of carbs, which is what I usually do.  Help!  :(

[Dollar Slice]

I've been sick for a week and my face has gotten out of control with the acne so I buckled and started taking antibiotics yesterday.  At this point, I've had severe acne for most of the year and I'm at my wit's end.  This will probably trigger nausea.  I'm looking for advice on managing the nausea without the use of lots of carbs, which is what I usually do.  Help!  :(

When I had medication-induced nausea for a while, I found that peppermint made me feel a lot better. I just sucked on Altoids since they have lots of peppermint oil in them, but there are other ways to get it if you prefer (teas, oil, etc.).

Hope you feel better!

[wildbeast]

I've been sick for a week and my face has gotten out of control with the acne so I buckled and started taking antibiotics yesterday.  At this point, I've had severe acne for most of the year and I'm at my wit's end.  This will probably trigger nausea.  I'm looking for advice on managing the nausea without the use of lots of carbs, which is what I usually do.  Help!  :(

When I had medication-induced nausea for a while, I found that peppermint made me feel a lot better. I just sucked on Altoids since they have lots of peppermint oil in them, but there are other ways to get it if you prefer (teas, oil, etc.).

Hope you feel better!

Thanks, I'll pick some up today. 

How've you been doing?