One more thing that may or may not resonate for anyone else -- part of self compassion for me is to focus on treating my body well -- getting some joyful movement, getting good sleep, eating some nice yummy things that make me feel good -- instead of on what the scale says about my body.
Different folks can have different and valid approaches to this, but for me, trying to make my body get smaller or change its shape has never been an exercise in self-compassion.
A half marathon and hiking up a mountain sound amazing to me, like your body deserves not only compassion but many high fives as well :D
I’ve recently realized... my anxiety is a known quantity. I’ve had it as long as I can remember. At various times I’ve assuaged it with therapy but it’s time to accept it and myself. Now the question is how!
Another great book on this topic is Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach.
Yesterday I bought myself a bunch of lovely, inexpensive flowers while I was doing my grocery shopping. Then I came home and there were more flowers waiting for me at my doorstep, sent here by my BFF from New York :)
It's boosting my spirits a great deal several times a day to be surrounded by beautiful spring flowers in every room of my house!
...the 2nd rule was "Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping"
For me, self-compassion means forgiveness. Forgiving the past, all the decisions I made that I wouldn't make again, and accepting myself as I am, while being open to change.
So, how difficult (or easy) has it been to identify triggers?
I guess the level down from this is developing self-awareness in general.
@Anatidae V - you may find this thread helpful or at least interesting....I am much in need of this, you are spot-on, GDog.
My child has a strong need to know the day's itinerary. Generally he's fine if it needs to veer here and there, but he loves when it's written out and followed, and occasionally he can break if it's not done to the T. At the same time, I can't always know on Wednesday at 9pm (when I usually write out the itinerary) how I'll be feeling by 3pm Thursday. It depends: his functioning so far that day; the weather; how well I slept; whether I've gotten enough solitude in the interim...
So, my act of self-compassion today is to write in the itinerary 3pm x activity or y activity, mom's choice. Both activities are fun for the kid, but this allows mom some leeway, an option for a break 3pm+.
It acknowledges that I can't know the future, that my need for wiggle room is as genuine as his need for a written itinerary, and that I sometimes need a break. It also allows me to have one!
Self-Compassion: Day 3 of 30
What is one soothing word, phrase, or activity I can offer myself today?
Happy doormats... is that a thing?
I generally decline to say that prayer. I instead meditate that I may have courage and strength to cope with and navigate difficulty. I feel like suffering is part of the human experience, so I ask for courage, strength, support, moments or relief so I can regroup...
I instead meditate that I may have courage and strength to cope with and navigate difficulty. I feel like suffering is part of the human experience, so I ask for courage, strength, support, moments or relief so I can regroup...
Speaking of monks and a woman...
Just now, I was cleaning my fridge. It's a self-care day, in which I get to do whatever I like! And I like creating cleanliness :) When I moved in to my amazing place, it was very lightly cleaned. Any intensive cleaning was left for me to do. Two months in, I found today is one in which our fridge has only six things in it -an excellent day to tackle it, before I get groceries. It's looked "fine" to me, but the other day I noticed some little crumbs I would love to clear out. In approaching those, I found a bit more...so pulled a drawer out and found a stain...
I pulled out my handy dandy new magic eraser and was delighted as things I'd assumed were permanent came up!
As I continued to scrub and wipe, the following took place in my head:
"They only lightly cleaned it, now I'm intensively cleaning...yet when I move out, I will intensively clean again, because that's what I do. Well, that's okay, that's just fine... I like that I will prepare it so well for the next person... Oh yes, it's like at the monk retreat I stay at sometimes: When we exit, we're asked to clean our own room thoroughly, and to think of the next struggling person who will arrive, and clean it for them, being prayerful in the activity, blessing that next person while we prepare the space for them.
So, here I am, perhaps years in advance, doing the first round of preparations for the wonderful person who will come after me, tired and struggling, and grateful for a clean happy space... Yes!
Oh! Wait! I am that person! I am the person for whom I am cleaning this space. I am the person I am blessing. For the next months or years or decades I will have a shiny, sparkling fridge because I took the time and effort to bless it for her. What a lovely gift. Thank you."
Cleaning my fridge this morning -blessing the space for the next person, who happens to be me- is an act of self-compassion.
Oh, hugs, jane x! That's so hard. I hate conditions that get worse with stress -- and there are zillions of them, from low back pain to rheumatoid arthritis -- because they're a vicious circle. Your back hurts because you're stressed and you're stressed because your back hurts, and for a little while they just go round and round reinforcing each other.
The self-care piece Omachi mentioned -- taking the avoidance of stress as a serious health concern -- that's important. When stress gets as far as really messing with your immune system it's playing bloody hell with other systems too. If you're like me, you'll spend a lot of time telling yourself you shouldn't experience so much stress. For me a big opportunity for self-compassion is right there: I can stop telling myself that, or anyway answer back to myself. Why shouldn't I be stressed? What makes me the one person in the world who doesn't have a right to find this weird, complicated, harrying, blind-siding modern world stressful?
And then it's worth getting an accurate sense for *what* exactly you find stressful. It may or may not be what other people would expect to be stressful. With some planning and help you may be able to steer around some of the worst stressors.
Meditation was a big help for me. And learning to tell other people close to me ("confess" is what I really mean, because I felt that experiencing stress was a sin. Turns out not everybody sees it that way. Huh.)
Another help was Robert Sapolsky's book about stress in primates, "Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers." It had a big impact on me, getting me past thinking of experiencing stress as a personality defect and thinking of it, instead, as part of the biology of social mammals.
@jane x - I'm glad my post was of some help. Just to share, I had horrific back acne when I was younger. Two decades later I still have the craters and the scars from it, and I'm certain it's never going away. I had tried medication back then, but it didn't help much and caused other problems. I'm glad it has stopped, because it was painful, but my shoulders are still scarred. It was a source of insecurity for a while.
I'm not sharing to put us on the same level. Your outbreaks are ongoing and they're in a move visible place. My scars aren't visible with a shirt on. Yours is the heavier burden to bear.
I share instead because I'm over it and hope it at least shows you can be too. I share to let you know that I know at least a part of where you're coming from. And I am over it. When I go swimming, my back is bare. When I work out, even at a gym, I often wear a top that shows the scars. If somebody breaks social norms and asks about them, I explain and don't feel any different afterward. I still see them in the mirror. They're mine. They're part of me. They don't have to change who I am. They don't make me any less a person. They're just scars.
I think a big part of what helped me get over it was when (not yet at the time) DW asked if my shoulders still hurt, said she was glad they didn't, then never brought it up again. It sort of gave me permission to not care so much about it. So if an internet stranger's acceptance is of any help, I'll repeat that I don't think your scars should diminish or define you. I bet if you ask any of the important people in your life, they'd agree.
Once I had a beautiful SIL, who one day visited me at work. We went shopping together and came back. The receptionists stopped me when we came back and told me how beautiful she was. Every person in the street paused and watched us. It was amazing.
I never want that experience again. How would it be if everyone always watched you?
Once I had a beautiful SIL, who one day visited me at work. We went shopping together and came back. The receptionists stopped me when we came back and told me how beautiful she was. Every person in the street paused and watched us. It was amazing.
I never want that experience again. How would it be if everyone always watched you?
Once I had a beautiful SIL, who one day visited me at work. We went shopping together and came back. The receptionists stopped me when we came back and told me how beautiful she was. Every person in the street paused and watched us. It was amazing.
I never want that experience again. How would it be if everyone always watched you?
When I have acne flare-ups I get the same reaction of people stopping in their tracks and staring with surprise and often a look of alarm on their faces. It is not pleasant. And many people, usually women, will approach me and offer "advice" on how to get rid of the acne. I know they mean well, so try not to be offended, but sometimes I feel like shouting, "I'm trying everything!" I have to say though, it's gotten easier to let it go as I've gotten older. I once ran into a high school classmate and she looked at me, gasped and said, "Oh my God, what HAPPENED to you?!" And a guy I was dating said the same thing when he happened to look at a photo of me before the acne. Both of these happened years ago and I still remember them, but the newer incidents just kind of fade away and don't have the impact that they once did. So that is some big progress right there! :)
My question to you would be - do you want to change the way you relate to your body? Do you want to stop being angry with it? Because when I hear you speak about being so angry with your body for expressing its needs, it triggers me. I'm not sure why, but it does. In the interest of protecting my body, I would ask that you really ask yourself if you are ready to seek out the practice of self-compassion. This is a place to build each other up, not tear each other down, or watch someone else tear themselves down. That's too painful to witness.
Yeah, one of the things I wanted to say is that any self-limiting condition that doesn't have a good working remedy generates tons of folk remedies (because people try stuff, and the last thing they tried before it went away last time "worked.") V. the common cold, low back pain, etc. A lot of these are stupid to the point of insulting, and people are REALLY aggressive in informing you of their goddamn remedies.
P2F. I've been having a very hard time lately (big medical problems, big work problems, and emotional fallout from a friend dying, all at once) and... I don't know. I think I would benefit from reading along, at a minimum.Yeah, one of the things I wanted to say is that any self-limiting condition that doesn't have a good working remedy generates tons of folk remedies (because people try stuff, and the last thing they tried before it went away last time "worked.") V. the common cold, low back pain, etc. A lot of these are stupid to the point of insulting, and people are REALLY aggressive in informing you of their goddamn remedies.
I have a bunch of these sorts of health problems (low back pain, early-onset arthritis, asthma, migraines) and people are always giving me unsolicited advice. (Sometimes without even knowing what the diagnosis is!) It drives me up a wall. They think they're being helpful, but what I hear is that they think this problem is my own fault because I'm too lazy/skeptical/whatever to do their quack remedy that they keep telling me about.
I guess my self care in re: this problem is that every time I mention a medical issue on Facebook (e.g. canceling plans because I have a bad migraine) I add a postscript asking my friends not to post any unsolicited advice. It works pretty well.
@jooniFLORisploo - I'm so glad you're taking good care of yourself! You are unfailingly kind and loving to everyone, and for sure that's going to take a toll. It's going to deplete your resources so you must be careful to replenish and restore often. And please know that your loving presence lingers and is felt even when you're not here. The jooni spirit is very strong!!! :)
How about if we share some ways that we are showing compassion for ourselves today? Big or small - it all matters!
For me, it can take strength and courage to be kind and loving in tough places, including speaking up for bullied people, but it doesn't feel like it takes a toll. Other things -poisons, in effect- do take a toll. Unjustified poisons take the biggest one, so I need to scooch around those. That's where the self-compassion comes in: Remembering who I am even if someone makes a story.
Beautiful things have been landing in my email inbox -as well as in my life- including two gorgeous articles, one on self-compassion and one from Captain Awkward on how to cope when people lie about a person to save face in their social group or to protect their own psyche. So, reinforcements have been tumbling in.
How about if we share some ways that we are showing compassion for ourselves today? Big or small - it all matters!
Had a(nother) tough day yesterday and decided that instead of trying to start catching up on chores, I would just lay in bed all evening and finish my library book.
Tonight I'll attempt laundry... I know I'll feel better if I get it done.
I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it, DS. Here's hoping you can get a bit of laundry done and a bit of a boost from it. Of course, if resting is going to help the most, I hope you get lots of that, too.
I love how you said this! I said something similar to myself during my last big breakup where my ex was telling himself a story that wasn't true -- I don't have any control over what story he tells himself, but I was there and I know what I know.
I would love to read that Captain Awkward piece if it's not too much trouble to share the link?
Also get ready for Jill (and your dad, by proxy) to tell a bunch of lies about you. Do not use her as a reference, for anything. The story will become how she gave you a job out of the goodness of her heart and you were bad at it and also ungrateful. The truth is you are pretty good at your job and would thrive in a functional workplace with functional people. The truth is she would have a very hard time finding anyone to replace the work you do, and definitely would have a hard time finding someone who would put up with her whims as patiently as you have, especially for the bullshit low wages she is almost definitely paying you. This is a very hard lesson to learn, but sometimes people will tell stories about you that aren’t true to try to punish you or manipulate you, and your best option out of a bunch of bad options is for you is to let them think and say whatever they want, because for you to stay and try to argue with them or prove them wrong gives them more access to abuse you. Abusive people like Jill are experts in creating an alternate reality, where you are both the worst person who ever lived and someone who is completely irreplaceable and owes it to them to stay forever (and let yourself be abused). It’s easier to get out of this trap when you know it’s coming.
How's everyone doing?
I think the universe felt bad for me, because...
This time, I tried acknowledging that what I'm doing is really hard, and telling myself that my reactions to the stress and exhaustion were OK and normal...
I'm so glad the Universe is taking care of you when it's too hard for you to do more.
2. My own counsellor. I'd found one for my kid, and they have a great connection, good stuff happens there. But this counsellor has never been a great fit for me. She is kind, but I need more than kindness. I need (from a counsellor) tools, inspiration/example, intellectual understanding of specific matters, me time, consideration of my experience (versus only my child's). I kept wanting to stay with this person because the insurance is already sorted, she's kind, it's one-stop-shopping. But to have myself keep going there -rather than finding the right fit for me- was the opposite of self-compassion. I try my first new one tomorrow.
(When you say it out loud it sounds kind of like an obvious thing not to do.
I've been sick for a week and my face has gotten out of control with the acne so I buckled and started taking antibiotics yesterday. At this point, I've had severe acne for most of the year and I'm at my wit's end. This will probably trigger nausea. I'm looking for advice on managing the nausea without the use of lots of carbs, which is what I usually do. Help! :(
I've been sick for a week and my face has gotten out of control with the acne so I buckled and started taking antibiotics yesterday. At this point, I've had severe acne for most of the year and I'm at my wit's end. This will probably trigger nausea. I'm looking for advice on managing the nausea without the use of lots of carbs, which is what I usually do. Help! :(
When I had medication-induced nausea for a while, I found that peppermint made me feel a lot better. I just sucked on Altoids since they have lots of peppermint oil in them, but there are other ways to get it if you prefer (teas, oil, etc.).
Hope you feel better!
Is Greek yogurt with live culture helpful? Or any probiotics? I wonder if they could help with the nausea (assuming some of it is from your gut flora getting decimated by the antibiotics).
I hope you feel better soon @jane x
How've you been doing?
Madgeylou, I use a foam pillow that I find very comfy 99% of the time, and then the other 1% of the time it makes my head ache, and I toss and turn until I figure out that I need to swap out for my "guest pillow" which is very soft. I wonder sometimes how humans evolved to be so bad at something as basic as sleeping. If we can't sleep without a specific sort of pillow arrangement, how did we ever survive in caves? :-)
Today I'm taking care of myself by overriding the frugality in a big way and signing up for COBRA health insurance, even though it probably means I'll be $2000 out of pocket for almost zero actual benefit. Because what if I get hit by a bus tomorrow? It's just money. And this means I can start physical therapy which I was supposed to do in April (but didn't because I had no insurance).
Today I'm taking care of myself by overriding the frugality in a big way and signing up for COBRA health insurance, even though it probably means I'll be $2000 out of pocket for almost zero actual benefit. Because what if I get hit by a bus tomorrow? It's just money. And this means I can start physical therapy which I was supposed to do in April (but didn't because I had no insurance).
Taking care of health is, I think, more important than frugality. After all if you are in bed writhing with pain, it's hard to enjoy money! I hope the PT helps!
Today I'm taking care of myself by overriding the frugality in a big way and signing up for COBRA health insurance, even though it probably means I'll be $2000 out of pocket for almost zero actual benefit. Because what if I get hit by a bus tomorrow? It's just money. And this means I can start physical therapy which I was supposed to do in April (but didn't because I had no insurance).
Taking care of health is, I think, more important than frugality. After all if you are in bed writhing with pain, it's hard to enjoy money! I hope the PT helps!
I'm kind of mad about the whole thing, because they make you pay for the insurance retroactively. So I could have started the PT in April like I was supposed to and had it all reimbursed with the retroactive coverage. I just sent a check to pay for April and May insurance, which I never used. Blah. But I needed to sign up before the end of the month or lose access altogether.
Crazy-making, isn't it? COBRA is a kinda sorta good thing, but it manages to feel like getting totally screwed over. Like the ACA, often.
I thought some folks here might appreciate this article from the NYT on self-compassion:
https://nyti.ms/2wYBmJX
Although there may be some bad stuff with them coming next week (and I may have to politely interact with someone I very strongly dislike for very good reasons).
Could I see your MMM license, ma'am? Are you aware that you were going forty days in a thirty day zone?
p.s. - I'm almost done with my acne antibiotics and my skin looks great! I think next week is my last week and I've been able to avoid the dreaded nausea.
I wanted to post here some days ago, but thought I was maybe not supposed to because our 30 days might be up.
Quotep.s. - I'm almost done with my acne antibiotics and my skin looks great! I think next week is my last week and I've been able to avoid the dreaded nausea.
That's so great! IIRC that has been a challenge for you. Why do you think you have avoided the nausea? Is ginger helping?
I wanted to post here some days ago, but thought I was maybe not supposed to because our 30 days might be up.
I thought the same thing :-)
jooni - yay for you! How awesome that you were able to, a) show up even though you were scared, b) sit with your discomfort, c) share your fear with others, d) practice self-soothing, e) practice loving-kindness with your self, f) leave yourself open enough to have fun once your fears subsided, and so much more. Wow. You're amazing.
I've been doing absolutely terribly at self-compassion and taking care of myself in general. I never did get back into PT and every day I keep telling myself I'll make the appointment first thing tomorrow. I also want to make an appointment with a neurologist for my chronic migraines (I've had them for years and never saw a specialist) and maybe a therapist for the anxiety/low self-esteem issues I've been struggling with. I lost my job recently (they wanted to transfer me to an office 3000 miles away) and it's really been an emotional blow to me, I think because of the awful way the company/my colleagues handled it. I'm trying to take some time for myself and have a long staycation instead of immediately starting in with deciding what to do with the rest of my life.
I've gotten into this bizarre vicious cycle where if I think about my anxiety problems it makes me anxious (instant physical symptoms, tightness of chest etc) and if I think about being sad/hurt (like remembering that I cried yesterday) I immediately get a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. As though I'm sad that I'm sad and anxious about anxiety, instead of being affected by major life events. No idea how to calm myself down...
@Dollar Slice I hope you have found a few ways to work with these issues that work for you/feel comforting!
Probably! Because you've just experienced one of life's shittiest things. Unless you take up heavy drinking or meth to cope, then yes, things are very likely to get better as the weeks pass :)
Thank you,
Therapy Hog
Oh, self-compassion crew! I hope you are all finding sweet, summery ways to take care of your dear selves.
I had a strong re-occurence of back pain that scared me the other day (after experiencing a reduction in this particular pain after 6 years of chronic issues).
Since I'd recently been reading pain science literature (a point of interest for professional and personal reasons), I took it upon myself to try a gentle tactic they mentioned.
I visualized a healthy , calm brain then after an "all-fired-up-with-pain-sensation" brain..then I visualized gently massaging my brain so that it could relax and become a closer version to the healthy, pain-free brain.
It came in waves and it wasn't easy--but after about 20-25 minutes my pain was mostly eliminated.
It surprised me that it actually was effective but there you have it. Will have to try it again if the pain reappears.