I don't think there's any advantage contributing based on your work in the other's business here. That might be the case if 1) one of you wasn't already maxing out your workplace plan and didn't have enough self employment income to max out the self employed plan or 2) one of your businesses made so much that it maxed out a single overall max ($58k in 2021). Since neither of those is the case I'd just keep in separate so you contribute to your self employed plan for your business and she contributes to her self employed plan for her business.
I think you might be confused about a couple of things with the contribution limits. First, the contribution is based on net income (line 31 of schedule C for a sole proprietor) minus 1/2 of self employment tax, not gross income. Second, for a sole proprietor the limit is 20% to make it so you aren't contributing on the contribution. For an S-corp the limit is 25% of your W2 compensation (not net profit). Either way, you don't get to double count things, so if you have income from her business on which you contribute then she can't contribute based on that income and vice versa, which is why I say I don't see the advantage of both of you contributing based on income from both businesses. Here's a good
calculator you can use -- as long as you answer the questions about your other job these limits will apply to either SEP or solo 401(k) even though the calculator is designed for solo 401(k)s.
My next recommendation would be that consider a solo 401(k). You're right that the limit is the same since you're both already maxing out workplace plans. The solo 401(k) really isn't hard to administer, and if you go that route it would open the option for both of you to start making
backdoor Roth IRA contributions since (unlike the SEP) the plan itself won't cause issues, and if you open it at the right place (I would suggest E*Trade) you can roll you current traditional IRA into the plan which removes that obstacle as well.
Another option, though it does add some complexity and some additional cost, would be to start custom solo 401(k) plans that would allow so called mega-backdoor Roth contributions. Here's a good thread from someone who took on this endeavor:
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/taxes/anyone-execute-a-mega-backdoor-roth-in-solo-401k/. The advantage of this is that you could contribute just about all of your net self employment income to Roth solo 401(k) (after jumping through some hoops). This would also avoid the reduction in Qualified Business Income, which might increase your QBI deduction depending on other circumstances.