Success in consolidating family housing

[highwayskies]

This month, our rental income for the single family house we moved out of came in and covered our mortgage. Meanwhile, since we've moved in with family for the cost of utilities, I'm happy to report that our housing expenses are 97.6% reduced from what they were a month ago.

This, at no sacrifice to comfort; in fact, our dogs have never been happier than with the fenced-in yard they now enjoy, and the feeling of satisfaction and joy that comes with "being there" for an aging parent is wonderful. We make no imposition, either. In our case, the offer was extended eagerly, and the relations are good. It was a true win-win.

I don't care if I was making 6 or 7 figures, I would still consolidating family as the best, most enriching, got-my-values-straight, humane, space- and financially-economically sensible decision imaginable.

[Greg]

Sounds very win-win. Congratulations.

[Jack]

I don't care if I was making 6 or 7 figures, I would still [consider] consolidating family as the best, most enriching, got-my-values-straight, humane, space- and financially-economically sensible decision imaginable.

I'm beginning to think (or hope?) that America's lack of commonplace multigenerational housing arrangements might be a passing fad, like suburbs. I mean, putting your elderly parents "in a home" instead of in your home didn't really become "normal" until what, after WWII? I don't think it's ultimately a sustainable practice anyway.

[sly]

This thread needs to be bumped. There is a truly life changing concept here. Imagine how much wealth families could generate if they abandoned their obsession with sending children out on their own. Many boomers already own property, often large suburban houses, why "kick out" your kids so they can blow their money on new rent/car/utilities/insurance/lawn-care etc. Pool your assets!!! In 10 year of working without paying rent while living in your house they could accumulate SO MUCH WEALTH.

Sadly, most family units nowadays exist solely as training grounds for future brainless consumers and corporate slaves, instead of cohesive groups of people HELPING EACH OTHER OUT.

Congrats to the OP, very very very smart move.

[Daleth]

This thread needs to be bumped. There is a truly life changing concept here. Imagine how much wealth families could generate if they abandoned their obsession with sending children out on their own. Many boomers already own property, often large suburban houses, why "kick out" your kids so they can blow their money on new rent/car/utilities/insurance/lawn-care etc. Pool your assets!!! In 10 year of working without paying rent while living in your house they could accumulate SO MUCH WEALTH.

Sadly, most family units nowadays exist solely as training grounds for future brainless consumers and corporate slaves, instead of cohesive groups of people HELPING EACH OTHER OUT.

So true!!!

[MoneyCat]

Well, the success of multi-generational living depends a lot on having a fully functional family, which many people (including myself) do not have.  I guess this method of living would be good for people who grew up in stable, middle class homes, but I've seen what has happened to other families who were low-income and low-education who tried multi-generational living and it was a disaster for them.

[Abe]

As an immigrant to the US, I found it strange that families would be dispersed willingly across multiple states. People in my home country couldn't afford to do that, unless they are very rich. In my family, even though we all have very well-paying jobs, it's been assumed that my parents would live with us once we are done with our training and they retire (in a few years), and put in the equity from their house into paying off the family house. Someone has to look after the kids while my wife and I are at work!

[essjay43]

My problem is selling the idea to my in laws. I'd love to have them move in with my wife and I, but they (father in law) won't bite. His reasoning is that he's almost done paying off his house. I tried explaining to him that he could use the interest generated by the sale of his house to live with us. No go so far, but I'm going to keep pushing.

[Rural]

Well, the success of multi-generational living depends a lot on having a fully functional family, which many people (including myself) do not have.  I guess this method of living would be good for people who grew up in stable, middle class homes, but I've seen what has happened to other families who were low-income and low-education who tried multi-generational living and it was a disaster for them.

I don't think we can conflate low income and low education with families that are not functional. Independent variables there.

[ruthiegirl]

Congrats highwayskies!  I think this is a grand way to live. 

[gimp]

This thread needs to be bumped. There is a truly life changing concept here. Imagine how much wealth families could generate if they abandoned their obsession with sending children out on their own. Many boomers already own property, often large suburban houses, why "kick out" your kids so they can blow their money on new rent/car/utilities/insurance/lawn-care etc. Pool your assets!!! In 10 year of working without paying rent while living in your house they could accumulate SO MUCH WEALTH.

Sadly, most family units nowadays exist solely as training grounds for future brainless consumers and corporate slaves, instead of cohesive groups of people HELPING EACH OTHER OUT.

Congrats to the OP, very very very smart move.

I've seen plenty of people who never move out... they also never move up or grow up. The two end up feeding each other.

I could say 'money isn't everything' and that it's important to live life on your own and figure out how to take care of your affairs, and find yourself, and understand yourself. I think you might ignore this point. So here's a different point: anecdotally, a great many people who never move out never move up, never grow up, and toggle between living unemployed in the basement and making minimum wage or near it. On the other hand, kicking the kid out when they become an adult is a sink or swim moment, and the "swim" results in more money even including the cost of rent.

[Cassie]

I think it is great if the families all get along well & want to do it.  My grandparents lived with us for a few years when they hit hard times & everyone had a great time.  I think however, that is an unusual situation. When my Mom got old she wanted her own space & always had her own apartment until she went to hospice.  I would never want to move in with any of my kids. I like to have my own things, decide how things will be done, own company etc. My Mom felt this way too.  Some people would enjoy living with kids and others would not.  This is a very individual decision.  I do not think it is fair to expect one's parents to provide daycare for their kids after raising their own.  The later years should be "me time" after years of sacrifice. 

[ChrisLansing]

My wife moved here from a SE Asian country where children generally live with their parents until marriage, then often build a small house on the same parcel of land as the parents.   So, we do some things the "Asian" way and one is to have our son live with us.    He is able to pay off his student loans quicker and can accumulate wealth for himself.  We can't have more than one house on the city lot, but otherwise we are living multi-generational, much as people in my wife's homeland would do. 

Multi-generations are not the only way to make shared housing work.   I've floated the idea of some of my siblings going in together to buy a fairly large house where we'd all live in retirement.    But I've found that people who've lived on their own for 30+ years are not willing to compromise in even small ways.   So we'll each need to maintain separate residences, cars, lawn mowers, etc. etc. etc.    It's almost as if American society is organized to maximize personal consumption :-) 

[Cassie]

I think a lot of it has to do with privacy & control that people do not want to give up. We bought a house next to my parents which was great because they helped with some childcare & we with household tasks & helping to care for my Dad during his illness. However, we each had our private houses.

[Milspecstache]

This is something I really admire about many other non-American cultures.  I would love to know HOW to make this work here as it makes sense on so many levels.  Any relationship tips for making it work?

[jakeb]

I'm not sure how normal or not my story is, but... we're 4 generations in the same mid-sized eastern US city.   

My grandmother sold my parents her house when they got married in the early 70's, over the years various uncles and aunts lived there, sometimes with little ones as they got on their feet.  even after my brother and i were born, our uncle lived with us for a year.  as we grew up, my mom wanted to make a career, and went to nursing school.  my grandparents on both sides watched us a few days a week as my mom spent time being a mom and being a student.   those are some of my favorite memories, and they seemed to get a lot of our the experience too.   over the years, it just became normal to me that family lived close, and that sometimes family members live with you.  we all got along pretty well as a family.  (nothing was ever perfect, but everything was always functional and healthy).

our generation was the first to all go to college - i was the youngest, and when i finished college the market was in the tank (dot-com bubble with a tech degree).   so I moved in with my parents until I found a job in my field, since i had no money, and very low income from a data-entry job i took while i looked for a job (honestly, i hated that job, but i took it because i didn't want my parents to think i was going to be a leech).  we wound up having a blast living together as adults, in a way that we couldn't when i was still someone they felt like they had to parent.   i found a good job after about 3 months, but stayed there for another year building up savings before I moved out.  i wanted my own space, but more of it was that culturally i didn't feel like an adult when i lived with my parents, and i thought it would hurt my career, and it was not ideal to have a girlfriend in that environment (at 22 i wasn't really thinking of a wife yet).  ...since then I've established my career, got married, and had kids, and kept living close to family.  (2 miles from my parents, 1/2 mile from my brother, and about 15 miles from my in-laws).   ...we've always had someone living with someone else somewhere in the 1st-level extended family.  soon - my in-laws are going to consolidate with my wife's grandmother.   

we lean on the grandparents to help us with the kids a couple of days a week while my wife and I work.  one day, I'll be happy to help my kids out in whatever ways they need it.  because i'll only ever be able to pay forward.

despite that - it was never a thing of a handout.  there was always this underlying message in our family of, we're here to support you - but you'll only get as much as it seems like you're trying for.  effort was what counted, instead of results - which i think was a good thing for a family.

[Aki]

My thought is to buy an apartment-type building (or frat/sorority-type house) where everyone can have their own space (a must) and share communal areas like the kitchen, dining areas.  I've been thinking about this for a while but DH isn't really on board (although I'm working on him).  It makes perfect sense to me: saves money, saves drive time visiting our aging parents, and our parents/in-laws/those living there would be less lonely.  Siblings could also join us, as well as friends or others who want company or may need help.  We could even rent to students since we're in a college town  it doesn't have to a permanent or long-term commitment.  And everyone can contribute whatever they can/want, e.g., some may help others with kids or pet-sitting, some may like to cook or clean or garden, some may be handy.  DH and most others think I'm crazy.

[Neustache]

To the OP:  That's great!!

We've chosen to live very close to parents.  We are .7 miles away from my in-laws, and 5 miles away from my parents. 

Ideally, I'd like some land with a duplex on it for both sets of parents.  I think financially they can afford to look after themselves, but as they age they will need some help/time and I just think it'll be easier if we are all on the same land. 

I get...I don't know...hung up on the idea of grandparents watching grandkids.  My parents watch my sister's kid a couple times a week, and while it works out really well for them, I just don't know how I feel about it.  I'm super independent, and that kind of inter-dependence is hard for me.  That's probably a bad thing, not a good thing!

[curlycue]

Unfortunately our architecture has grown to exclude the multigenerational family living situation. The design of new, suburban houses in the U.S. is usually three bedrooms with a set up for parents and children only. I lived abroad for a few years and almost every house had a small unit attached called a "grandma" house. It wasn't just for grandma, most young couples lived there through their first child until they could save up enough money to move out, and if the family needed to make an extra income they could rent out the modest unit.

Our social/cultural structure also makes multigenerational living difficult. When I was abroad there were very clear and defined social roles. After centuries of living in multigenerational units it was clear what each person in the family needed to do - who needed to cook, clean, pay utilities, etc. Most Americans would really hate such a rigid system.