Here are some things that I think helped push her to be reflective and help facilitate change...
-necessity, she works part time and we live in a HCOL area, we just refinanced the house so our payment went up significantly. There is no cushion now. Feet to the fire! I did this on purpose. Sink or swim right? If we can’t stay on budget that means credit cards and debt.
-relationship has always been me in charge of the finances and we have sort of had this me vs her relationship on money, never a team. Best way to describe would be like a parent vs child sort of thing. I cared about the long term and she acted like a child (her words, not mine, but I agree!).
-A few months ago we were going through the usual tension about money when she said something along the line, “You talk about being financially independent or not having to work but I don't know that I really believe that.” My response was to tell her I strongly believe she could retire way earlier than she could imagine and to challenge her to read from other perspectives and not take my word for it. She read some MMM and Frugalwoods. Root of Good also helped get the thoughts going.
-If you want to challenge someone on their materialism, take them to a 3rd world country. You will never see American consumerism in the same light. We have been to some very poor places in the world and it changed me and challenged her.
I asked her to share her thoughts and these are her words on the topic…..
My husband shared with me that some may want to understand why my mindset towards money had finally come in line with his. It was not a quick flip of a switch over night but rather it has been more like a dimmer that has slowly been changing over time. Here are a few things that I believe were contributors.
1. I had very little education or modeling from my parents on how to handle money. They didn't have much but always found ways to provide, which I am thankful for. The negative side to this however was that coupled with my optimistic outlook I took a flippant “everything will be fine” attitude toward money. I felt my husband worried too much about it. Over the years I have seen how my husband’s careful attention to our finances has benefited our family IMMENSELY. I can work part time and enjoy being a mom of our three young children, we own a home, we have no debt (minus the home) and the list goes on. My parents are in their early 70’s now and my dad still works, must work, 7 days a week. I don’t want to ever work 7 days a week let alone till I am in my 70s. Clearly I must do something different! These two dramatic life differences have led me to understand that a flippant attitude towards our finances will not get me where I want to be. Which leads to another reason...
2. My long term life goals (which consisted of retiring at the age of 63, traveling, and being a grandma) were shaped by what most people think retirement is, not what I actually wanted. I never thought much about it. My husband casually has been sharing about people he reads about who have FIRED. He has also casually mentioned we could do it as well if we wanted to. The idea was intriguing to me and I read some on my own about it. I have realized I don’t want to work till I am 63. I do however want to travel and be an available grandma..I need a road map to make sure I actually get there. So we made one and for the first time I am driven and SUPER excited about seeing our plan come to fruition. My husband walked me through the possibilities with what we earn etc and plugged it into some calculators to show me the impact of a high savings rate. WOW! Why aren't more people doing this?
3. PAST: Although I would tell you happiness does not come from things, my behavior did not match that mindset. I deeply struggled with this. This also caused my husband to take on a more parent role in hovering over me when it came to spending. (Not good for our marriage.) Over many years this began to change. At first, my motivation was to just avoid conflict with him. Then I realized how much simpler my life was when I wasn’t running off to stores or having my mind consumed with things I wanted to get. Recently my husband also had me listen to a podcast on Opportunity Costs. This made a lot of sense to me and I began to filter my purchases this way, but still with no long term plan. NOW: When I spend money I intentionally weigh it against OUR priorities and long term goals. When I say no to buying something I am ok with that because that means I am saying yes to our future plan.
4. PAST: I didn’t want to talk about money or hear his thoughts on it. It always led to a fight. Those were his thoughts and I had no ownership of them. When I began to choose ON MY OWN to read and listen to topics on being wise and intentional with money it allowed me to take ownership of them as my own. Silly in hindsight, but really important. NOW: When we talk about money I feel like an equal. I am not just amusing him by listening, I am part of the conversation and want to be involved.
Knowledge and education are powerful. Although it took time, all the seeds my husband sowed finally took root. And now I can bloom!