What did you tell friends/family?

[2KidFIRE]

Hi everyone,

My wife and I are in our late 30's / early 40's with two boys under the age of 6.  We are hoping to FIRE by the end of 2021.

One question I have for folks who have already pulled the trigger is what did you tell your friends and family?  Especially if you had/have friends through your work?  We have a very close network of 3-5 families who either work or worked at the same company as myself, who have young kids the same age as ours, and with whom we are very close.  We take annual trips together, weekends are often spent at each other's houses, etc.  If/when we quit and stop working at our normal day jobs, these friends will obviously notice.

Many of our friends are likely in a similar financial situation to us, although I do not know their spending savings habits, but I imagine some could be on a path to FIRE if they so choose.  However, I don't really know, and we generally don't discuss finances directly.  So what have folks done?  Told people they were taking a sabbatical?  Let people think that they were doing online/consulting/contracting work?  Told them the truth but kept it vague?  I feel like anything we put out there is going to make it more challenging to maintain these relationships.  I'd love to hear what others have done!

I do see this question has been asked before, and am reading through some of the links below:
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/post-fire/fire-do-you-tell-people-or-not/
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/post-fire/what-do-you-tell-people-you-do-do-people-believe-you-are-retired/
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/post-fire/friends'-reaction-post-fire/
https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/welcome-to-the-forum/do-you-tell-friends-you-are-financially-independent/

[Metalcat]

The simple fact is that it's impossible to come up with a perfect response that will get people to react the way you want them to.

I medically retired last year, so it's a bit different, but I just refer to myself as "retired" most of the time because most people don't need to know I'm sick. I used to say "medically retired", but that often lead to a ton of invasive questions, and even worse? Advice. I'm a medical professional, so I'm pretty intolerant of pop culture medical advice. So I switched to just defaulting to "retired".

I'm only in my 30s and on top of that, I look very young, so I get a lot of surprised looks and comments, and I generally just shrug them off as if what I've told them is the most normal thing in the world.

Some people are nosy, some people have opinions they think need to be shared, but as I said, there's no magic response that will prevent that, so don't overthink it. You'll find your comfort with the subject eventually.

[Moustachienne]

Many friendships are based on being in the same place in life: having kids the same ages; working at the same place; living in the same neighbourhood; having the same or at least similar salaries and financial assets.  When you're no longer in the same place, the friendship will change and maybe even fade. And that's OK. It doesn't mean it wasn't a good friendship for its place and time, just that things have changed. 

If the friendship is mostly situational, there isn't any way to talk about your new FIRE status without a possible change to the friendship. You are no longer in a similar place. If the friendship is based on things you continue to share like hobbies or other interests, it might adapt and continue.  If you can't be open with your friends about what's going on in your life, whether FIRE or something else, that might indicate some natural limits to the friendship.

The good news? You'll continue to make new friends throughout your life, and you'll connect and reconnect with old friends as your lives and interests go in and out of alignment.

NB. I'd be ticked if I thought I was sharing similar life stages and challenges with a friend only to discover that they were secretly millionaires or had won the lottery or were FIRE, but didn't respect or trust me enough to be honest about their life.

Edited to add: How much detail you might give these friends about your finances would be affected by how much detail you'd give them about other areas of your life.  Not all friendships need to be "soul baring". Too exhausting!  But you say you're "very close", which implies you do share personal things. If so, what's more personal than FIRE .  But you know best what level of calibration is appropriate with friends, or family for that matter.

[flyingaway]

I am always confused by these questions. Who cares if you are retired or not? It is probably you who may think too much about these things.

If my friend wins a lottery of $100K, life will go on as usual. If someone wins $10M, he may just find new friends with similar finances. But I will be I am.

You are retired, so what?

[Linea_Norway]

I think you should stay as close as possible to the truth as you are comfortable with. Anything else would be awkward for you. But you could sell it as a sabbatical without an end date at first. Only when they start asking you after a year when you plan to go back to work, you might indicate that you financially don't need to have that kind of wellpaying job anymore. This is what we did with friends and they accepted that explanation. If you take a sabbatical first, you already show them that you can afford taking a year off, which could lead tovarous reactions. In our case, we sold a clown house for a high price and told them we could in the future live in a cheaper house. That way is wasn't so difficult to explain that we didn't need high paying jobs.
But we haven't told everyone. Next time we can travel abroad again, I will be more honest with my mother and brother/SIL, as the sabbatical year has now passed.

[FLBiker]

I'm in a similar situation (though less social :) ) -- I'm 44, DW is 40, DD is 5.  We're basically FI, but we just moved from the US to Canada so I'm waiting a year or so before changing anything dramatically with my job (DW is working PT through May, with nothing lined up after that).  Personally, my plan is to be very open with people, if they ask.  I welcome the chance to answer people's questions about it.  Maybe that will change once it happens, but I'm like this in other areas.

For example, I'm sober (in AA).  I am very open about this with folks, and it has led to some really good conversations.  People in my family and friend group know that they can send someone my way if they have questions about that sort of thing, and I really like that.  I would love to be a similar resource for folks who wanted to talk personal finance.  And with my family, I've mentioned a few times that I intend to retire early, likely around 45.  We haven't talked about it recently (with COVID and our move to Canada), but whenever I switch to part-time (or stop completely) it won't be a total surprise to them.  That said, we live quite far away from them so it won't be as apparent for us as it would be for others.

[2sk22]

Retiring early means that (to some extent at least) you have to publicly reveal that you are financial independent. What are the consequences?

• The majority of the people will say something on the lines of "good for you" and thats about it in terms of their reaction.
• A few people will inevitably get jealous and this may affect family relationships and friendships.
• A few people may ask for handouts if they know you have money.

Thankfully, I have only encountered the first kind of response among my family and friends. But some people I spoke to did look a bit surprised - stealth wealth I guess :-)

[cool7hand]

I'm curious what's wrong with the truth? You control your reaction to what people say. If they're happy for you, great. If they're not, isn't that their problem?

Perhaps Sam Harris's book, Lying, might help you think through the cost of the truth?

[Dreamer40]

I planned to be basically honest about retiring but was surprised that many people didn't hear what I was saying. My family gets it. We’re all fairly open about money. But colleagues think I’m taking a break before starting something new. That’s not what I said, but that’s what they heard because it’s the only thing they understand. It’s fine with me if they think that. And I really might find something else I want to do some day. Who knows. It’s probably easier and relatively honest to say that you’re “retiring from X position” and don’t have any immediate plans to start a new job.

[rockstache]

I have read a bunch of these threads over the years and in the end have settled on something close to Linea-Norway’s recommendation. You’re a couple of years ahead of us as far as kid ages but we basically plan to talk about having saved enough to take a few years off ‘while the kids are still young,’ and then just never go back.

The other possibility is the consultant/work from home option, but since your friends are coworkers, that might be a little more difficult if they wanted to know exactly what you were doing, and how they could do the same. It feels too much like lying for me to be comfortable with it should they ask questions.

[2KidFIRE]

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful replies and feedback. 

My wife and I continue to discuss the topic and our approach may change over time, but for now we like the idea of telling people we are "taking a year off" and just letting that naturally extend into a longer timeframe.  It's also not a lie, which we definitely share the majority opinion of that making us uncomfortable.  Who knows what we'll decide to do in that year anyway, so it seems like a reasonable explanation.

After the year is over we'll obviously have to decide what to tell people, but we're leaning towards the truth, albeit keeping our actual numbers to ourselves.  I would honestly love to talk about this with our friends, since some of them may be in a similar situation and not have any idea about FIRE or perhaps be putting it off for various reasons.  It would be fantastic to have others in our life to discuss it with.  I'd also love to share it with my wife's family, as many of them are much younger than we are and I feel we could give them solid advice.

Thank you again!

[JGS1980]

"If you tell the truth, then you don't need to remember anything"

Mark Twain

[Aelias]

I think I'll probably be somewhere on the "we're taking some time off" spectrum.  It has the benefits of being vague enough to be simultaneously truthful and socially acceptable.  Most people won't question it, but if I they do, I think I'll be pretty open about it.  I used to be more comfortable with social lies, but I'm getting to the point where anything other that total truth is just too much of a hassle.

I do think it helps if you're retiring "to" something, so you focus the conversation on what your plans are rather than how you got to FIRE.  It's also just generally useful to have thought through that yourself before FIRE.

[SunnyDays]

I find this a really interesting topic.  The fact that people feel the need to tiptoe around the subject says a lot about how loaded the concept of money is. (No pun intended.)  It defines us more than any other aspect of our lives, it appears, if it’s very presence or absence can change the way others feel about us (actually about themselves), and behave with us.  I retired at 55 after 30 years of work, so nothing unusual at all, but I still had some people express jealousy.  The coworker who seemed most envious was about 10 years younger and freely admitted that her family had no savings.  She made a bit more than me and her husband also had a decent job.  But, big house, yearly tropical vacations and fancy meals every Friday.  And knowing that I didn’t do those things, she couldn’t just congratulate me and tell me I deserved it?  So I would be less worried about what others will think of you than what you will think of them once they find out.

[bmjohnson35]

I had one minor incident with a customer consultant on a project teleconference call that included around 10-15 people, including customer reps, fellow colleagues and other consultants.  When I announced I was leaving the organization and was saying my goodbyes, he started probing what company I was going to.  When I stated that I was taking a stab at early retirement, he asked how I could do that at my age and went on to ask if I had won the lottery, collected a large inheritance or had a rich spouse. There was a awkward pause as I tried to figure out how to respond to his inquiry. I eventually stated that it was simply the product of 30 yrs of consistent saving/investing and living below our means.  It was one of those moments in life when you wish you had some intelligent witty response, but I was caught off guard.  The customer rep later apologized for his consultant's comments during the call. 

I was very open about retiring at 50.  There were a few who were surprised and some that showed concern about whether I would later regret it, for various reasons.  When people ask how you can do that and you provide a simple and direct answer, they generally get bored and lose interest.  If they try to probe into personal financial information, I respectfully inform them that I don't share that type of information.

[Metalcat]

I find this a really interesting topic.  The fact that people feel the need to tiptoe around the subject says a lot about how loaded the concept of money is. (No pun intended.)  It defines us more than any other aspect of our lives, it appears, if it’s very presence or absence can change the way others feel about us (actually about themselves), and behave with us.  I retired at 55 after 30 years of work, so nothing unusual at all, but I still had some people express jealousy.  The coworker who seemed most envious was about 10 years younger and freely admitted that her family had no savings.  She made a bit more than me and her husband also had a decent job.  But, big house, yearly tropical vacations and fancy meals every Friday.  And knowing that I didn’t do those things, she couldn’t just congratulate me and tell me I deserved it?  So I would be less worried about what others will think of you than what you will think of them once they find out.

Money doesn't define us at all.
Money isn't anything in and of itself. It's a place holder for time and energy. However, it's use represents decisions, so over time, it's presence or absence is a result of a cumulative lifetime of choices and occurences.

People are envious of money because of the choices available to people with a lot of money. I have an aunt who has a hefty 8 figure net worth. Yet, no one envies *her* because she refuses to spend it. They envy the options she has, but the money isn't who she is. Who she is is an extremely driven and talented workaholic who is painfully cheap.

People also don't react negatively to FIRE because of who the person is, they react negatively primarily when the person appears economically similar to them, because it makes them feel like they themselves have made a lifetime of less responsible decisions. However, usually once they *actually* grasp the series of trade offs the person had to make, they are no longer envious. A screwed up facial expression as if they've smelled something bad and the phrase "I could never do that" is the most common response I get from colleagues.

So it's actually the opposite of money defining who the person is, because the negative reactions are people assuming that the FIREd person actually has similar priorities and made similar decisions, but still somehow managed to accrue huge sums of money. That person is either smarter or more lucky, neither of which feels good.

It's actually the MIS-interpretations people have about FIREd folks that most agitates their audience.
Money doesn't and can't define anyone.

[cool7hand]

Another way to look at any other person's reaction is to understand that the reaction is about them, not you. So don't take it personally.

[MustacheAndaHalf]

My wife and I continue to discuss the topic and our approach may change over time, but for now we like the idea of telling people we are "taking a year off" and just letting that naturally extend into a longer timeframe.

That allows friends and family to accept it in stages, which I think is easier.  They can compare taking time away from working to an extended vacation.  And they'll start to figure out you're able to take years away from work, and maybe ask about it.  That can be a good time to distract the conversation over to what you're doing - hobbies and interests you're pursuing.

[Missy B]

When I stated that I was taking a stab at early retirement, he asked how I could do that at my age and went on to ask if I had won the lottery, collected a large inheritance or had a rich spouse. There was a awkward pause as I tried to figure out how to respond to his inquiry. I eventually stated that it was simply the product of 30 yrs of consistent saving/investing and living below our means.  It was one of those moments in life when you wish you had some intelligent witty response, but I was caught off guard. 

I think that was an intelligent witty response.

[Mr. Green]

In general, responses that hit closer to societal norms are easier for others to digest.

"We want to take a break from work to spend more time with our kids."
"We're taking a sabbatical."
Et cetera.

"Retirement" is too mind-blowing for most folks. If you're close enough with these friends and you think they can handle the unfiltered truth, there's nothing wrong with that.

I've found that avoiding bombshell words like "retirement" when you're in your 30s and 40s just goes over better. It's such a gross departure from anything most people can even conceive of that baby steps create less issues in their own comprehension of what you're telling them

[Metalcat]

In general, responses that hit closer to societal norms are easier for others to digest.

"We want to take a break from work to spend more time with our kids."
"We're taking a sabbatical."
Et cetera.

"Retirement" is too mind-blowing for most folks. If you're close enough with these friends and you think they can handle the unfiltered truth, there's nothing wrong with that.

I've found that avoiding bombshell words like "retirement" when you're in your 30s and 40s just goes over better. It's such a gross departure from anything most people can even conceive of that baby steps create less issues in their own comprehension of what you're telling them

I personally find that getting comfortable with not meeting societal norms to be the easiest option in the long run.

I go with being so distinctive that being retired is about the least interesting thing about me, lol

In all seriousness though, I was semi retired for a few years before fully retiring, and that gave me a lot of training in dealing with this issue. I used to talk about it with that air of "I know it's unusual, and if you ask, I'll explain myself", but the reactions died right down when I started talking about it as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

I just tell people now that I'm retired, they usually comment "you look too young to be retired!" and I reply "yeah, I get that a lot" and the conversation usually ends there.

If people want to be private about their personal affairs, that's a different matter. No one needs to know anyone's business if they don't want to share it. But if the motivation is fear of other people's reactions, and not a desire for privacy, then I recommend ripping off the bandaid and just getting used to being a bit of a weirdo.

It's really not a big deal to be weird.

[Linea_Norway]

Indeed, I often feel like a weirdo in so many aspects. You get used to it. It is also a personal choice to continue the behaviour, despite being different from most people around you. My last manager said she even admired me for it, for daring to make unusual choices. She was thinking of me choosing not to have children, not having 100 TV channels, emigrating, going on long hikes, being very frugal, taking a sabattical, DIY a lot of things.
And strangely enough, I even know more of those weirdos that share a similar aspect to my behaviour.

[Metalcat]

Indeed, I often feel like a weirdo in so many aspects. You get used to it. It is also a personal choice to continue the behaviour, despite being different from most people around you. My last manager said she even admired me for it, for daring to make unusual choices. She was thinking of me choosing not to have children, not having 100 TV channels, emigrating, going on long hikes, being very frugal, taking a sabattical, DIY a lot of things.
And strangely enough, I even know more of those weirdos that share a similar aspect to my behaviour.

That's a really, really good point.

The more you fly your freak flag, the more the fellow freaks feel comfortable coming out of hiding and finding you. The world is less lonely when you advertise your weirdness.

[boarder42]

Congrats we're in our mid 30s and FI and my wife will RE sometime this summer and I am hoping to work remotely thru the beginning of 2022.  we have 2 kids sub 6 years old as well. 

I talk about this constantly and share it with everyone who will listen i've gotten friends and family on board the FIRE train already. 

My wife is starting a photo business. So she can say thats what she does full time. 

I had some conversations with some people who left my company to pursue their passions over the past few weeks.  They said the most important thing to tell your employer is that you're leaving to go pursue your passion in XYZ.  And to give them enough time to plan your replacement.  In this way you leave the door open to return should you have unexpected life events derail your FIRE plans.

For me personally my plan is to do some affordable Financial coaching and possibly get my CFP, I also plan to work on PF education with local school districts.  So I feel its in my best interest to continue to broadcast this accomplishment to family and friends.  Money needs to be talked about it needs to stop being taboo.  We live in a society that revolves around capitalism and need to talk about how we're succeeding in it.  People should post "i maxed my 401k" just like people post lokk at my 90k new jacked up F150.

[Loren Ver]

To friends, we just tell them we are retired.  Since they are friends and they know us, they get it. 
Some were a little surprised, as we are rather young and not big earners or spenders, but us being weird is not out of character.  As Linea_Norway said, being who you are (in this care a weirdo) can make it easier.  We are big fans of the truth.

Random people on the street that see we walking about at all times of the day and night, they get a more curated answer, "just not working right now" or "taking a break from work."  Some have offered me (or DH through me) job advice, ha.  Told them not working by choice :). 

I have found that telling them I am retired really cuts down the round and round of those conversations, probably due to awkwardness. 

LV

[Villanelle]

Mine will be layered versions of the truth, depending on who is receiving it.  But if these people are close friends, then I'd give them the truth.  ''You guys know we've always been a bit on the frugal side.  Well, all those years of driving cheap older cars and living below our means have paid off.  We've run the numbers and we believe that if we continue to be frugal and invest wisely, we have more than enough money to last us the rest of our lives.  So, we are retired!"

On the other end of the spectrum will be the people I don't trust not to be assholes or greedy, or both, or with whom I just don't want a protracted and personal conversation.  They will get nothing--not a lie, just not a formal announcement that we are both retiring--, and if they ask a question, will get a glib, frivolous response.  "Why don't you go to work anymore?"  "It seems like that would be a bit awkward after I quit!"  "Wait, so you don't work?"  "I definitely work.  In the garden, on my writing, volunteering at the library!  I don't we we can ever really escape work."  That sort of thing.  Most people would get something closer to the first response though. 

For me, saying it was a sabbatical would feel like a lie, because that implies a clear intent to go back to work, which wouldn't be accurate.  And with my friends, if I can't be open about something like this, well... Im not sure they are really friends then. 
 

[chevy1956]

I'm in your exact same position except I've been off for about 9 months now (I think). I'm probably asking the same question in one of those links.

I still don't know the perfect answer and I'm struggling with it. I don't really want people to know especially my parents and even my friends. I have a lot of spare time now and I don't want people to expect me to do stuff when I don't want too.

[Linea_Norway]

@Villanelle My DH really wanted me to stick to the sabattical thing, as he still had a job to go back to and the world is really small. If you tell one person the truth, it might soon be well known all around.
I had some trouble about not telling the truth, but according to DH you could always have a plan to take a sabattical, and then change your mind after that and retire. In his case, he really did that, as he quit his job 3 months after restarting it.

Our "sabattical" was supoosed to be in 2021. We have already received the first questions about our new jobs. DH answered that he quit his new job, because he liked better to be not working. I answered that I really didn't want to go back to my high stress job, which wasn't good for my health. I guess at some point we should just start telling the truth. But it would be awkward to do to people with lower means who had less chances to save a lot than we we had. I realize that we have had silver spoons in our mouths in many aspects, combined with staying frugal. But not everyone has the same chances.

[Metalcat]

I went with saying I was taking a long sabbatical too. Which may have been true at the time but ended up sort of accidental FIRE instead. Saying you're on a long sabbattical rather then retired when you are in your 30s or 40s does stave off lots of annoying comments which can have negative consequences to some relationships (seriously most people don't understand and can often be very snarky). Eventually people figure it out after years of asking when you'll go back to work (and as a single woman with no kids I got a lot of "interesting" comments about how I must support myself because no one can save enough money to retire that young) and will stop questioning it. You are either rich (or have a rich "benefactor") or poor and living off the government dole. It does get easier to talk about FIRE once older though.

I like when people reveal their bullshit biases. It doesn't bother me when they say things because they're the ones who have to live with being so narrow minded, not me.

If it's someone I'll never see again, then I just don't care, they're practically a stranger and will stay that way, so I'll say whatever I feel like saying.

However, if it's someone I'm likely to see again, then I would rather present who I am than put any effort into matching their erroneous assumption of who I am. It's not on me if I don't match the preconceived notions they make up for themselves about me. That's not my responsibility.

If they lack the imagination to grasp that some people live their lives differently from what they expect, then I would rather that be made public than me squirm to try fit their limited imagination.

The key is that I don't feel like their reactions are my responsibility. If they react judgemental or sexist or whatever, that's embarrassing for *them*, not for me.

[Pootie22]

When I first heard about FIRE (8 years ago) and crunched all the numbers to see if it was possible, I was so excited that I wanted to tell everyone. And I did.  Even through these last 8 years I have brought it up countless times in conversation to siblings, friends, FIL, MIL, parents, even strangers at a bar! Not only because I was excited to start the journey but because I wanted to KNOW that it was possible for them too (I certainly wish someone else would have mentioned it to me sooner!) The only people I never mentioned it to was coworkers for obvious reasons.  We're hoping to FIRE by end of 2021 in our early 30's and when we finally do it, I can't imagine anyone being surprised lol

Someone else mentioned that this pursuit of FIRE is such a big part of how we live and it's certainly true for me, I would have found it hard NOT to mention FIRE in the past 8 years, especially to my close friends and family who I spend so much time with.  So I'm usually surprised when folks post questions like this (in particular about telling family and friends) because I would think that if they were close friends or close family, they would already have an idea.  As far as telling acquaintances, I could care less what they think, I might make up stories just for kicks.

So far it's been a very positive experience as most of my family and friends have been coming to me for financial advice all these years and I'm happy to help.

[Metalcat]

I went with saying I was taking a long sabbatical too. Which may have been true at the time but ended up sort of accidental FIRE instead. Saying you're on a long sabbattical rather then retired when you are in your 30s or 40s does stave off lots of annoying comments which can have negative consequences to some relationships (seriously most people don't understand and can often be very snarky). Eventually people figure it out after years of asking when you'll go back to work (and as a single woman with no kids I got a lot of "interesting" comments about how I must support myself because no one can save enough money to retire that young) and will stop questioning it. You are either rich (or have a rich "benefactor") or poor and living off the government dole. It does get easier to talk about FIRE once older though.

I like when people reveal their bullshit biases. It doesn't bother me when they say things because they're the ones who have to live with being so narrow minded, not me.

If it's someone I'll never see again, then I just don't care, they're practically a stranger and will stay that way, so I'll say whatever I feel like saying.

However, if it's someone I'm likely to see again, then I would rather present who I am than put any effort into matching their erroneous assumption of who I am. It's not on me if I don't match the preconceived notions they make up for themselves about me. That's not my responsibility.

If they lack the imagination to grasp that some people live their lives differently from what they expect, then I would rather that be made public than me squirm to try fit their limited imagination.

The key is that I don't feel like their reactions are my responsibility. If they react judgemental or sexist or whatever, that's embarrassing for *them*, not for me.

That's true but TBH I'm lazy and hate explaining my situations all the time.  I found, after some experimentation with talking about FIRE and getting negative responses, that just simply saying I saved a bit of money by living frugal and now am taking some time off work to do X, Y, Z pretty much covers it all and not many follow up questions or assumptions about my income amount or source. And of course it's true too. I'm still on sabattical. It's just one really long one ;-).

Oh for sure, that's why I specified that there's a difference between people I don't really know and am not invested in versus people I'm likely to see again and get to know.

In neither case do I care about how they feel about my life choices, it's just that in one I prefer to keep my shit private because it's none of their business and in the other, I have no interest in editing myself to fit their preconceived notion of "normal".

Either way, I'm not putting any effort into curating responses to cater to other people's expectations.

[use2betrix]

I’m 33 and wife is 27. We’re about to hit $1MM in savings but still a ways off from our FIRE number. That in mind, I do contract work and have take a couple 4 month sabbaticals between jobs.

We intended to take 6-12 months off in August, but wife is now pregnant with our first (after a couple years trying) and a North American trip in our small trailer for that long with a newborn did not sound appealing. So - I took a new job that should last til January 2023.

I had no problem being open about this to my coworkers. I dont have a major concern if they want to get butthurt over it. I have friends way better off financially than me, and I am pumped for them, proud for them, and excited for them. If people can’t be excited for others, then that’s on them in my opinion. I’ve made a lot of sacrifices to get where I’m at and I am proud of the work I’ve done.

[Morning Glory]

I announced a tentative retirement date of the end of this year (with maybe some part time work). I will be 40. One brother advised me on how to get Medicaid and the other one said he wants to retire before 30 (with working spouse). They both have cars like mine. I don't think they are on the forums but they certainly get the concept!

[soccerluvof4]

I think this is a bigger problem for the person retiring then the people around them.

If you say I am retiring your going to get a short lived answer or feeling that the other person is thinking-

1) awesome , I am happy for you , I wish I could be in that position

2) Stupid, what the heck are they doing there gonna go broke

3) I dont understand this makes no sense to me , what do you mean your going to retire?

In the end over the course of time their feelings will diminish about it and they might ask you questions here and there but if they see you standing on your own two feet and your making it , it wont be a big deal.

So just say the truth or close to it as others have suggested. Taking a year off need to recharge and see where that takes us.

[SwordGuy]

I told anyone and everyone who would listen (or not!) about MMM and the FIRE movement from when I found it to 6 years later when we retired.

If they couldn't figure out how I retired, well, what can I say?

[Mmm_Donuts]

We are experiencing major problems around this. Has anyone on here talked about the K-shaped post covid recovery? It seems like our friends fall into 2 camps: the lower paid service workers who have lost their jobs and are really suffering, and the wealthier investors / people with corporate jobs who are doing really well.

It's easy to act "retired" around the people on the top of the recovery. It's really hard to tell the people on the bottom. I have to be really careful what I say. I think they see life as zero sum: the better some people do, the worse others do, and I don't really see the world that way. So they're angry at "rich people." It's awkward, as I'm sort of one of those people, though I don't really appear that way.

And I hate the idea of only hanging around people who are in the same social class. Ick.

I try to be as supportive as possible but I can't really be my regular happy self, talking about all my post-covid fun retirement travel plans around them without feeling like I'm rubbing it in. So - it's been challenging, because that's pretty much all I am thinking about these days.

[boarder42]

I told anyone and everyone who would listen (or not!) about MMM and the FIRE movement from when I found it to 6 years later when we retired.

If they couldn't figure out how I retired, well, what can I say?

Ditto get the word out. Feel like about 1-5% of us take this approach

[GreenSheep]

We are experiencing major problems around this. Has anyone on here talked about the K-shaped post covid recovery? It seems like our friends fall into 2 camps: the lower paid service workers who have lost their jobs and are really suffering, and the wealthier investors / people with corporate jobs who are doing really well.

It's easy to act "retired" around the people on the top of the recovery. It's really hard to tell the people on the bottom. I have to be really careful what I say. I think they see life as zero sum: the better some people do, the worse others do, and I don't really see the world that way. So they're angry at "rich people." It's awkward, as I'm sort of one of those people, though I don't really appear that way.

And I hate the idea of only hanging around people who are in the same social class. Ick.

I try to be as supportive as possible but I can't really be my regular happy self, talking about all my post-covid fun retirement travel plans around them without feeling like I'm rubbing it in. So - it's been challenging, because that's pretty much all I am thinking about these days.

I don't think you need to only hang around people in the same social class, but I do think it's important to have friends who are supportive of you when things aren't going well and happy for you when things are going well. One of my very best friends has much less than I do, but she has never once given any indication of jealousy or resentment. Of course I don't rub it in, but I feel comfortable telling her about good things in my life, even when it's clear that they must have cost money. I've also told her about the financial negatives over the years, and I tell her about my non-financial woes, so she does see the good stuff in context, which probably helps.

If these people have a problem with life being good for you right now, even though you're not intentionally rubbing it in, then it's probably time to pull back from these friends a bit... not because of their social class but because of their lack of class in general. As they say, money doesn't buy class.

[Metalcat]

We are experiencing major problems around this. Has anyone on here talked about the K-shaped post covid recovery? It seems like our friends fall into 2 camps: the lower paid service workers who have lost their jobs and are really suffering, and the wealthier investors / people with corporate jobs who are doing really well.

It's easy to act "retired" around the people on the top of the recovery. It's really hard to tell the people on the bottom. I have to be really careful what I say. I think they see life as zero sum: the better some people do, the worse others do, and I don't really see the world that way. So they're angry at "rich people." It's awkward, as I'm sort of one of those people, though I don't really appear that way.

And I hate the idea of only hanging around people who are in the same social class. Ick.

I try to be as supportive as possible but I can't really be my regular happy self, talking about all my post-covid fun retirement travel plans around them without feeling like I'm rubbing it in. So - it's been challenging, because that's pretty much all I am thinking about these days.

I don't think you need to only hang around people in the same social class, but I do think it's important to have friends who are supportive of you when things aren't going well and happy for you when things are going well. One of my very best friends has much less than I do, but she has never once given any indication of jealousy or resentment. Of course I don't rub it in, but I feel comfortable telling her about good things in my life, even when it's clear that they must have cost money. I've also told her about the financial negatives over the years, and I tell her about my non-financial woes, so she does see the good stuff in context, which probably helps.

If these people have a problem with life being good for you right now, even though you're not intentionally rubbing it in, then it's probably time to pull back from these friends a bit... not because of their social class but because of their lack of class in general. As they say, money doesn't buy class.

Exactly, Donuts, you are not responsible for other people's reactions, and cannot actually control them, even if you try to.

There's a huge difference between not rubbing your wealth in someone's face vs lying to their face to try and avoid them having an emotional reaction to your reality.

You can be honest and legitimately humble at the same time. I can't remember if it's in this thread or another, but the phrasing I've become fond of using is "I'm very careful with money and I have the equivalent of a modest pension saved up, which is enough to cover my expenses as long as I don't splurge", which is accurate and a hell of a lot more reasonable than "I've got fuck tons more money than most people my age".

Just because other, autonomous adults aren't capable of managing reasonable and respectful reactions to information that has nothing to do with them and no impact on them, doesn't mean you should feel forced to lie if you don't want to.

[pbkmaine]

I have always said it humorously, as in: “I can squeeze a penny until it screams for mercy.” That has led to some interesting discussions on frugality over the years. They want to know what I do, and I talk about the cheap car and bulk buying and saving off the top. Do you know what really gets people? That I make my own salad dressings. I am known around here as The Only Person Who Makes Their Own Salad Dressings.

[chevy1956]

My update on what I'm telling people. I'm thinking of telling people I work in health and fitness which means I sometimes coach jiu-jitsu for which I don't really get paid. The thing is no one needs to know anything other than I caoch jiu-jitsu every so often.

So it's a career change.

[boarder42]

I have always said it humorously, as in: “I can squeeze a penny until it screams for mercy.” That has led to some interesting discussions on frugality over the years. They want to know what I do, and I talk about the cheap car and bulk buying and saving off the top. Do you know what really gets people? That I make my own salad dressings. I am known around here as The Only Person Who Makes Their Own Salad Dressings.

Hahaha. It's about the easiest thing to do too. Mix in bowl put salad in toss salad. Takes about 1 extra minute to make a balsamic vinaigrette

[GreenSheep]

Do you know what really gets people? That I make my own salad dressings. I am known around here as The Only Person Who Makes Their Own Salad Dressings.

Haha, people are always amazed by the simplest things made from scratch. Our great-grandmothers used to make everything from scratch! It's not rocket science!

I'll take a homemade dressing over store-bought any day. They're fresher and can be healthier. I love the ones at monkeyandmekitchenadventures.com but if I'm really in a hurry, I just throw some balsamic vinegar (flavored or not), almond butter, and date paste or maple syrup into the bottom of my salad bowl and whisk with a fork. Yum!

[sisto]

@boarder42  glad you are back!

[boarder42]

@boarder42  glad you are back!

Thanks!
oh its fun i'm not addicted like i was last time trying to stay on threads that i find fun to not clutter my thread up with nonsense that doesnt affect me. 

We'll see how long i stick it out - really interested to see what life is like as a 35 year old retiree - told my 80something year old neighbors and they were like what? are you going to have the kids home more.  Well maybe a little more but not full time they need to learn in their peer groups at preschool and daycare. 

I love the so what are you going to do question i get from my retired mom and my other older retired relatives.  To which i always respond well what do you do all day.  I have 2 kids under the age of 6 currently that i can take out of preschool and daycare and spend more time with and then i'm sure i'll do some other things. 

[BuildingFrugalHabits]

I'm curious how many people would actually notice you are retired.  It seems like around here, there are always people out and about during the workdays.  Sometimes I wonder if anyone really works anymore!  Nowadays it's impossible to tell if someone is retired, taking leave, working a flex schedule, telework, part-time, or actually retired.  I'm fairly confident that even my family living out of state would have no idea I'm retired if I didn't volunteer that information. 

[Metalcat]

I'm curious how many people would actually notice you are retired.  It seems like around here, there are always people out and about during the workdays.  Sometimes I wonder if anyone really works anymore!  Nowadays it's impossible to tell if someone is retired, taking leave, working a flex schedule, telework, part-time, or actually retired.  I'm fairly confident that even my family living out of state would have no idea I'm retired if I didn't volunteer that information.

Good point.

A lot of people I know have no idea I'm retired, and I've recently started experimenting with just not answering "what do you do?" when asked by a new person.

It's not that I care what they think, *I* am just starting to find it boring to talk about unless I get to know the person.

Just not answering questions is a great skill to have.

[GreenSheep]

I'm curious how many people would actually notice you are retired.  It seems like around here, there are always people out and about during the workdays.  Sometimes I wonder if anyone really works anymore!  Nowadays it's impossible to tell if someone is retired, taking leave, working a flex schedule, telework, part-time, or actually retired.  I'm fairly confident that even my family living out of state would have no idea I'm retired if I didn't volunteer that information.

Good point.

A lot of people I know have no idea I'm retired, and I've recently started experimenting with just not answering "what do you do?" when asked by a new person.

It's not that I care what they think, *I* am just starting to find it boring to talk about unless I get to know the person.

Just not answering questions is a great skill to have.

Funny, I was noticing that people do this fairly often in a TV series I've been watching, and it can be pretty powerful. Just the fact that someone has asked a question doesn't mean you're required to answer it, or even to address why you're not answering it. (And if it happens to be a rude or overly intrusive question, silence can speak volumes.) I think many of us are so indoctrinated to supply an answer because of so many years of being asked questions in school!

I like to answer "What do you do?" with information about how I generally fill my time rather than get into the fact that I don't work. It makes for a much more interesting conversation anyway, and it's easier to find common interests. It's funny that "What do you do?" is so common in the US, but in other countries/cultures it's considered a rude question to ask because it's so intimately tied with how much money you make, or because it's considered impolite to bring up something as boring as work during a leisure activity.

[Metalcat]

I'm curious how many people would actually notice you are retired.  It seems like around here, there are always people out and about during the workdays.  Sometimes I wonder if anyone really works anymore!  Nowadays it's impossible to tell if someone is retired, taking leave, working a flex schedule, telework, part-time, or actually retired.  I'm fairly confident that even my family living out of state would have no idea I'm retired if I didn't volunteer that information.

Good point.

A lot of people I know have no idea I'm retired, and I've recently started experimenting with just not answering "what do you do?" when asked by a new person.

It's not that I care what they think, *I* am just starting to find it boring to talk about unless I get to know the person.

Just not answering questions is a great skill to have.

Funny, I was noticing that people do this fairly often in a TV series I've been watching, and it can be pretty powerful. Just the fact that someone has asked a question doesn't mean you're required to answer it, or even to address why you're not answering it. (And if it happens to be a rude or overly intrusive question, silence can speak volumes.) I think many of us are so indoctrinated to supply an answer because of so many years of being asked questions in school!

I like to answer "What do you do?" with information about how I generally fill my time rather than get into the fact that I don't work. It makes for a much more interesting conversation anyway, and it's easier to find common interests. It's funny that "What do you do?" is so common in the US, but in other countries/cultures it's considered a rude question to ask because it's so intimately tied with how much money you make, or because it's considered impolite to bring up something as boring as work during a leisure activity.

It's so true.

I'm always amazed how few people realize they can just not respond when asked questions and it's not hard to not make it rude. Besides, I find it much more rude to premeditate lying than to just not talk about subjects I'm not in the mood to talk about.

[Linea_Norway]

Recently at a doctor'a appointment I was asked what kind of work I did. Then I just answered that I didn't work and left it at that. One doctor who instructed that I needed absolutely no stress, concluded that that shouldn't be a problem for me, as not working.