Thinking about funny moments from PRE-FIRE in the workplace

[Financial.Velociraptor]

I used to work at a big multinational oilfield services company in various finance roles.  I was a fairly senior accountant/analyst at one point and the boss called my entire team to his office for a meeting.  He was apparently supposed to deliver the bad news that our current team that was one man short was going to stay that way and we'd be expected to pick up the slack with extra hours until the oil price improved.  He decided the best way to break the news we needed to work more was by holding us at the office an extra 45 minutes while he beat around the bush instead of addressing the topic at hand.

He went on kind of an uncomfortable tangent.  See he was traveling for work and his flight was completely loaded down with what he called "really hot 12 year old girls."  No bullshit.  We gave him hell for awhile until it got to an uncomfortable silence.  So I finally said, "Chris, all kidding aside: you know what is really sexy about 12 year old girls?"  He took the bait and asked 'what' and I responded, "If you take the time to pull their hair into pigtails, you can fantasize about them still being only nine!"  Boss man was not happy but cow-orkers never laughed so hard.  Sometimes I STILL look over my shoulder thinking HR is going to call me at home to discuss the episode.

Later under a different boss man there was a project to aggressively reduce the number of journal vouchers in the consolidation system to support a system upgrade.  My division was behind and the CFO was riding boss man pretty hard.  He explained we had to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING!!!  So, I suggested we take all JVs of a similar type, especially the 62 opening balance sheet entries and combine them into single *LONG* JVs.  This was actually a dodge of course but fit the letter of the law on what we were being asked to do.  I gave a word of warning: The OPEN_BS journal will be over 168 thousand lines.  No one has ever tried a journal that big; it might literally break the software.  He didn't even blink, just "DO IT!"  I caught grief at least twice a year over the next 3 years every time some poor sucker doing historical research needed that JV and had it time out while opening dozens of times.  Maybe that's the sort of humor only hardcore accountants can understand, but it makes me laugh.  I got a similar laugh when I presented the hard copy in a 3 inch three ring binder for boss man's signature.  Policy said his signature meant he had 'reviewed and understood' the JV - hilarious (to me at least.) 

There was also a running whoopee cushion gag.

There is very little I miss about the office.  I think those three things are it.

[mak1277]

I'm very glad I read this post...brought a smile to my face.

[BPA]

I used to work at a big multinational oilfield services company in various finance roles.  I was a fairly senior accountant/analyst at one point and the boss called my entire team to his office for a meeting.  He was apparently supposed to deliver the bad news that our current team that was one man short was going to stay that way and we'd be expected to pick up the slack with extra hours until the oil price improved.  He decided the best way to break the news we needed to work more was by holding us at the office an extra 45 minutes while he beat around the bush instead of addressing the topic at hand.

He went on kind of an uncomfortable tangent.  See he was traveling for work and his flight was completely loaded down with what he called "really hot 12 year old girls."  No bullshit.  We gave him hell for awhile until it got to an uncomfortable silence.  So I finally said, "Chris, all kidding aside: you know what is really sexy about 12 year old girls?"  He took the bait and asked 'what' and I responded, "If you take the time to pull their hair into pigtails, you can fantasize about them still being only nine!"  Boss man was not happy but cow-orkers never laughed so hard.  Sometimes I STILL look over my shoulder thinking HR is going to call me at home to discuss the episode.

Later under a different boss man there was a project to aggressively reduce the number of journal vouchers in the consolidation system to support a system upgrade.  My division was behind and the CFO was riding boss man pretty hard.  He explained we had to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING!!!  So, I suggested we take all JVs of a similar type, especially the 62 opening balance sheet entries and combine them into single *LONG* JVs.  This was actually a dodge of course but fit the letter of the law on what we were being asked to do.  I gave a word of warning: The OPEN_BS journal will be over 168 thousand lines.  No one has ever tried a journal that big; it might literally break the software.  He didn't even blink, just "DO IT!"  I caught grief at least twice a year over the next 3 years every time some poor sucker doing historical research needed that JV and had it time out while opening dozens of times.  Maybe that's the sort of humor only hardcore accountants can understand, but it makes me laugh.  I got a similar laugh when I presented the hard copy in a 3 inch three ring binder for boss man's signature.  Policy said his signature meant he had 'reviewed and understood' the JV - hilarious (to me at least.) 

There was also a running whoopee cushion gag.

There is very little I miss about the office.  I think those three things are it.

As a woman and the survivor of sexual abuse as a child, I have to say that I am disgusted, although not surprised, that HR didn't do anything.  There is nothing funny about rape tolerant comments...especially about children.  I'd call it a "creepy moment from PRE-FIRE."

[Mr. Sharma]

Later under a different boss man there was a project to aggressively reduce the number of journal vouchers in the consolidation system to support a system upgrade.  My division was behind and the CFO was riding boss man pretty hard.  He explained we had to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING!!!  So, I suggested we take all JVs of a similar type, especially the 62 opening balance sheet entries and combine them into single *LONG* JVs.  This was actually a dodge of course but fit the letter of the law on what we were being asked to do.  I gave a word of warning: The OPEN_BS journal will be over 168 thousand lines.  No one has ever tried a journal that big; it might literally break the software.  He didn't even blink, just "DO IT!"  I caught grief at least twice a year over the next 3 years every time some poor sucker doing historical research needed that JV and had it time out while opening dozens of times.  Maybe that's the sort of humor only hardcore accountants can understand, but it makes me laugh.  I got a similar laugh when I presented the hard copy in a 3 inch three ring binder for boss man's signature.  Policy said his signature meant he had 'reviewed and understood' the JV - hilarious (to me at least.) 

Awesome.  Thank you for the laugh.

[Gone Fishing]

I think that is one of the problems with my job, there is hardly anything worth telling.  I will always remember the "Oh, Shit!" look on my boss's face when I told him I needed a raise or I would have to "explore other opportunities". His eyes got real big!   

I do keep a short list of people (2) that I have decided I will command to exit my office if they ever try to come in and give me shit.  I'm pretty mellow, so the surprise on their face would be the best part.  That would make for a pretty memorable story!  Sadly, neither of them have tried me despite doing it to others.  Maybe they can just tell "The FI/FU is strong with this one"...

 

[Dr. Doom]

.. terrific story

Awesome.  Thank you for the laugh.

Same.  Hat = Tipped.  Workplace stupidity is an amazing thing, so many odd personalities thrown together and forced to work on shared goals that you're going to get some of this from time to time.  The pigtails quote will stay in my head for a long time.  He's the kind of guy you tip off to the cops, his HD is surely full of illegal, wretched stuff.

[Sibley]

Later under a different boss man there was a project to aggressively reduce the number of journal vouchers in the consolidation system to support a system upgrade.  My division was behind and the CFO was riding boss man pretty hard.  He explained we had to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING!!!  So, I suggested we take all JVs of a similar type, especially the 62 opening balance sheet entries and combine them into single *LONG* JVs.  This was actually a dodge of course but fit the letter of the law on what we were being asked to do.  I gave a word of warning: The OPEN_BS journal will be over 168 thousand lines.  No one has ever tried a journal that big; it might literally break the software.  He didn't even blink, just "DO IT!"  I caught grief at least twice a year over the next 3 years every time some poor sucker doing historical research needed that JV and had it time out while opening dozens of times.  Maybe that's the sort of humor only hardcore accountants can understand, but it makes me laugh.  I got a similar laugh when I presented the hard copy in a 3 inch three ring binder for boss man's signature.  Policy said his signature meant he had 'reviewed and understood' the JV - hilarious (to me at least.) 

I'm an accountant, currently internal audit, former external audit. I'm torn between dying laughing, and dying having to look at that entry.

[WhoopWhoop]

I remember one day at lunch the ladies were talking about how they track their teenage sons and daughters via iphone so they always know where they are, to make sure they're "safe".

Then one said she also tracks her husband, so she'd definitely know if he ever cheated on her.

And then her 23 year old daughter, 5 feet away, mentioned that she tracks her boyfriend. They've only been going out a year.

These people are looking at their phones every 15 seconds to make sure that their boyfriends and/or husbands are at acceptable locations!

And this is their idea of normal, polite lunch conversation...

AND I WAS THE WEIRD ONE IN THIS OFFICE???!!!!