I share this story only because I think it could help someone else who encounters similar challenges as they go through the transition to a life that does not revolve around employment. I think most of my issues have not been directly related to the process of quitting work itself, but rather the life changes we intended to make as we left our jobs.
I quit my job in June, declaring myself to be FIREd, and I was ready for something new in my life. For the past two years I'd been planning a thru-hike of the Appalachian Trail, which I started on July 3rd, only to end my attempt just 5 days later. I learned a lot preparing for what was expected to be a 5 month journey, and in my failure. For anyone considering a southbound thru-hike I would simply tell you to not underestimate Katahdin. I was DESTROYED after climbing the mountain that first day and a big contributing factor to my failure was that I thought I felt okay to continue hiking south the very next day.
After I returned home, I turned my attention to a house we were going to build in another state. This relocation was all part of our FIRE plan. We were moving right next to some friends and the little house we built would be inexpensive and free up a bunch of equity in our current house for investments when we sold it. As the planning started moving into all the details around the September time frame I started to get nervous about the cost being more than I had anticipated. I even started a thread here in the post-FIRE section of the forum where I was considering returning to work for a short period of time, knowing I would be comforted that the amount of money I was making would pay for the house we were building whether we contracted all the work out or not. However, it wasn't but two weeks after starting that job that I knew it was a mistake. I submitted my letter of resignation and then, because I'm a nice (read: weak) guy, I agreed to stick around until the end of the year. So we put the house plans on hold for a couple months while I wrapped up this temporary employment.
Fast forward to December. My last day of work was set for the 30th. I'd started lining up all the pieces for us to pour a house foundation right after the New Year. Then on the 22nd I start having some symptoms at work that could be early warning signs of a heart attack. I understand that being 33 means the odds of that are the same as winning a really shitty lottery, so I assume it's probably just stress/anxiety with all the changes that are about to start happening. Did I mention that my wife and I just starting trying for a baby? Yeah, add that to the pile of stuff going on. So that night I went home and decided to hop on my rower for 20 minutes. It probably wasn't a genius move but I figured if I'm truly having heart problems it should become self-evident really quickly. I rocked the rower session with no problem but I'm still not feeling right. I go to the doctor's office the next morning and I'm prescribed anti-anxiety medication. That night I experience this intense pain bloom in my chest and it really freaks me out. I learn that during a heart attack parts of the heart muscle can die in just 15 minutes. So I call the ambulance. One ER trip and several thousand dollars later (yay high deducitble insurance plans!) they tell me my heart looks fine, but I should follow up with a cardiologist. I also learn that the symptoms of a panics attack are basically identical to the symptoms of a heart attack. That sucks. Meanwhile, I see what's coming. I'm going to quit my job on the 30th and then be stuck in Maryland, because that's where my health insurance is (through the ACA), for probably a month doing tests to ensure my heart is okay. I'll have all this time to sit around and worry about whether I'm dying even though I know it HIGHLY unlikely and it's probably just stress.
Thankfully my team at work wants me to stay so I manage to cancel my planned departure. Over New Years we also find out that the good friends we planned to build a house next to are looking HARDCORE for new jobs. Unfortunately some things in their professional lives haven't worked out the way they'd hoped so they're naturally looking to take the next best step for their family. This throws our whole plan to move and build a house into doubt. Meanwhile, I continue to have these episodes that exhibit symptoms of panic attacks/a heart attack. Medication dosages have gone up and things have improved but still aren't quite right. Meanwhile I just want to feel normal again. I have a heart stress test coming up Monday that I expect to pass with flying colors and eventually have the cardiologist tell me I'm fine. In the mean time I've taken steps to reduce all the stressors that I can. Our move to North Carolina is completely on hold, if not cancelled, and I've started to try and look at my job in a more positive light since it provides me with something to keep my mind off of all this craziness going on with my body.
The strangest part of this whole experience has been the surprise of it. Did I think moving and building a house would be a little stressful? Sure! Who wouldn't? But apparently my subconscious emotions were freaking the fuck out and on the surface I was still being Mr. Cool about it all. I know there are a ton of engineers on this forum that probably have similar dispositions so maybe this will help someone who might go through this same thing and feel equally as lost about what to do about it. As some of my family members started hearing about my struggles I was amazed to find out just how many others have had stress/anxiety problems as well. A cousin, two close friends, a husband of another family member, and my wife's dad for starters. I was thinking, "Holy Shit! How can this many people have these kinds of problems! That's awful!" I guess it's just something no one wants to talk about and I can certainly understand why now that I've experienced it myself. Thankfully, one of my good friends who dealt with some serious panic attacks a few years back was able to give me an education on what can help, talking to my wife about what she can expect, etc. so we didn't feel completely clueless and scared. Maybe I'll ultimately have to see a psychiatrist to help me figure it all out. I'd have no problem with that if it made this go away by uncovering issues that I didn't really think were issues. If I knew for certain what the problem was to begin with I'd just take care of it! I can't help but think of the Mad FIentist's first attempt at FIRE, and his subsequent time talking with a professional to sort through some difficulties he was having.
All of this has really made me stop and take stock of what is really important in life. Waking up in the morning and not knowing if you're going to start having chest pains, or other physical symptoms at some point in the day, and still being a little bit scared that maybe something is actually wrong with you physically is probably one of the worst states I've ever been in in my life. The uncertainly of it just sucks. It's made me realize how incredibly important your health is. Honestly, nothing else even comes close to that. You can be penniless, but healthy, and at least the default state of your physical being is a good one. I never even stopped to think about that until I experienced a week straight of uncertainty about whether 50% of my day would be spent feeling like crap, and would this ever get better.
I have also realized it's likely that a significant part of my stress/anxiety is probably due to the fact that I've always been the guy who has a plan and goals he's striving for. That's not necessarily a bad thing but the goal was always FIRE. All of these big goals and plans I had set for myself would have major impacts on our life and so I pursued them with vigor. What I didn't do was stop to think about what happened after those goals were reached. I didn't have some multi-year goal to focus on once we quit our jobs so all the sudden the way I had been operating for my entire adult life was suddenly obsolete, overcome by events. It's been eye-opening in a really not fun way, but I believe that there is absolutely something to be learned from this that will make my life better as I learn to focus on new things. I'm trying to focus more on the present now, and not so much these goals. My sudden health challenges have reinforced just how fleeting life can be, despite the fact that I'm probably fine.
As a total aside I learned just the other day that I might be able to work half-time and continue making six-figures. This is something I wouldn't have considered possible just a few months ago and it something that would probably change our future plans yet again. So I have no idea what is going to happen for us at the point but I do know one thing. All of this back and forth between working and not working, almost starting to build a house and then not, and the lump of coal Santa decided to give me for Christmas via my health, has really made me start thinking about Today. Not tomorrow, but what am I doing today. As you fellow mustachians strive for your FIRE goals, and transition into your post-job lives, don't forget to enjoy the moment.