Newly Retired and fearful of all the changes in my life.

[Cozzmo]

Hi,

I retired about 6 months ago at 62, and since then, my wife has aggressively gotten the ball rolling on our downsizing plans (She’s like the energizer bunny).
We are moving into a cheaper smaller house that is in a cheaper area. (From Sterling VA to a suburb of Richmond).
I have been on board with the plan the whole time, but somewhat begrudgingly…

Two years ago, we sold a rental town-house in Leesburg VA and did a 1031-exchange (for this Richmond property and have been renting it out since).
Now we must move into the new house and convert it into our primary residence.
If you know how that works, it really would be a bad Idea financially for us not to live there for the next 3 years at least.

Recently, we put our current house on the market and there was a huge bidding war. We sold way over asking price. We put a lot of work into fixing it up over the years. Closing day is a couple of weeks away.

It all makes sense - Northern Virginia is where the jobs are, but I no longer have one. So, reap the rewards and move on, right?
Still, financially, we would be okay if we did not move. The math totally says we must move, but we would be okay either way. (Way to go math!)
She has always wanted change, especially after living in the same house for 30 years and the same area her whole life.
Also, it will make a large difference to our bank account (and net worth over the long run).
So, I relented and said okay. Once you do that, there is no turning back.

Still, I LOVE this old house, my family, friends, places to eat, shops... everything!
Also, it's just a bigger, nicer house. It will take time to get the newer house up to par, but it will never be this house.
I can picture myself as moving to Pluto (okay, to a remote house on a remote golf course, so no one is feeling sorry for me... but you get the idea).
Newly retired, on a golf course with no friends and only one family member, and I am a bad golfer.
I don't know what I will do.

[joe189man]

don't do it, seems simple

[Dicey]

You can always go back after three years if you really want to. Do you want to travel? You could think of this house as your temporary home base. Every single person I know who has downsized is amazed at how freeing it is.

BTW, your house does not define you, any more than your job does. It's a huge opportunity to grow. It's going to be fine.

[Ron Scott]

You know you’re going to do it so…

[Cozzmo]

You can always go back after three years if you really want to. Do you want to travel? You could think of this house as your temporary home base. Every single person I know who has downsized is amazed at how freeing it is.

BTW, your house does not define you, any more than your job does. It's a huge opportunity to grow. It's going to be fine.

Thanks Dicey,
That is all true.
We are definitely going to travel once we are done with all this.

I look forward to learning to golf and having free time to kayak, etc.
My work stress was killing me, and now that is all behind me!

I'll just have to learn to adjust and get over my fears of living in a remote area.
Selling the house for a neighborhood record of $830k was a nice added surprise.
Before moving out, I think I'll have to put a time capsule in the wall somewhere. :-)
I really like the buyers; they'll fit right in around here.

Anyway, I'll give Chesterfield a chance. Maybe I'll meet people I like, and maybe it will surprise me.

[Omy]

You're downsizing/moving at a perfect time. You're still young enough to make new friends and take up new hobbies...with time to change course if you don't like it!

[Trudie]

When we retired we sold a house we had designed and built and invested lots of energy into. I grieved the house for a bit, but once we decided to downsize and move and kicked into gear my mindset shifted.

We decided it was important for us to move to make new friendships and start again, unburdened from our work identities. It has been an excellent decision and very freeing.

[reeshau]

I would suggest maybe you aren't moving far enough away.  Of course, your destination is set, but if you can pine about Pluto, maybe this move is missing a sense of adventure, that would open you up to a big change.

For my part, we downsized from 3,100 Sq ft, with a full basement, in Michigan to 1,400 Sq ft, with a shed (where our washer & dryer was located) in Ireland.  It was thrust upon us, as a work opportunity.  We loved it!  We have always loved traveling overseas, and relished work paying for the opportunity to deeply embed us somewhere else.

We knew the downsizing would be part of learning the culture.  And it wasn't just "stuff."  We has to carefully consider what furniture we could take there, to fit the new space.  Our refrigerator was dorm fridge sized, so no biweekly shopping expeditions--3 days, max! There were plenty of learnings and mistakes, and a few things we didn't budge on.  (Our 55" TV looked like a drive-in theater in our tiny living room)  But it was all grand!

Face the change as the adventure it is.  Be open to new things--that will be your job for a while.  Do anything you can to get out of your comfort zone, and do as locals do.  And expect less than perfection.  It will be a blast!

And if it isn't, you have the freedom to change your mind at any time.  It's not forever, and doesn't sink you.  So what is there to worry about?  Reconnect with your wife, communicate openly and often, and enjoy the ride.

P.S.:  after 6 months, would you say you are done decompressing from work, or does it still affect you?  Let your wife know about this, if it's still a factor.

[Smokystache]

Understandably, in your mind you are moving from a place of familiarity and comfort to a place with neither. I'd recommend making a few trips to the area and begin to explore the options and possibilities in the new area. You're still getting used to being retired and adding the move is a lot of change in a short period of time. Fear is a normal response in that situation.

I think the transition will be easier if you can find a few things in the new area that you are looking forward to doing. Kayaking, volunteering, exploring new restaurants, new historical sights, etc are all new adventures. And you have the benefit of being able to explore at times when it isn't busy, etc.

[bmjohnson35]

Once you are settled, look for local kayaking group on FB. I met a few guys during an outing about two years ago.  We have now developed close friendships.  We try to meet weekly to fish, kayak, go to the beach or some other activity out on/near the water.  We live in Florida, so we can do this year round.  There is a local weekday paddling group that posts outing regularly and this is how I met them.   

[FireLane]

Just from looking at the map, Sterling and Richmond seem close enough for frequent trips in between. There's no reason you have to lose touch with your old social circle - especially now that you're retired and can travel to visit friends and family any time it's convenient for them.

However, if I were in your position, I'd also try to treat this as an opportunity for adventure. For the first time in your life, you have complete freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want. That's a huge opportunity!

Do you have a bucket list? If not, you should start compiling one.

Are there hobbies you've always wanted to pursue but haven't had the time? Books you've never read? Skills you want to practice? How creative can you be in designing your ideal life when work is no longer an obstacle?

I also recommend getting outdoors as often as possible. I find that just scrolling through Google Maps is a surprisingly effective way to find parks, hiking trails, cool cafes and restaurants, and other points of interest. There are also countless travel websites and tourist guides you can check out from the library that will give you ideas about things to do in your new area. You could resolve to see one thing each week that you've never seen before.

[TexasAnnie]

 Smokeystache makes really good points! We got rid of most of our belongings, sold our house, moved to Europe, and I retired. It was a LOT all at once.

The thing that made it doable was we were not just leaving our beloved house, but that we were excited about our adventure: learning a new language, access to inexpensive music, museums, parks, and architecture, and time to enjoy them!

There was definitely some grief, especially on my wife’s part as she had woodworking tools, musical instruments, and other items for many years that were given up. And it is okay to have those feelings.

Only you can decide if it will be worth it for you. Quality of life is not just about money.

Cozzmo, you say once you agreed, there is no turning back. I get it, but I suggest finding a way to discuss your misgivings.

(This is from someone that had trouble with communicating needs and feelings in previous relationships that eventually broke them. I worked on that and have been with my wife for almost 20 years. I hope you don’t take this amiss, I’m not saying anything about the quality of your relationship at all!). 

Understandably, in your mind you are moving from a place of familiarity and comfort to a place with neither. I'd recommend making a few trips to the area and begin to explore the options and possibilities in the new area. You're still getting used to being retired and adding the move is a lot of change in a short period of time. Fear is a normal response in that situation.

I think the transition will be easier if you can find a few things in the new area that you are looking forward to doing. …

[dcheesi]

It's normal to feel sadness when leaving a well-loved home & community, even when it's a "good" move. Preemptive nostalgia makes every familiar comfort loom large in your mind. But IME, after the move, you may find that you don't miss those things as much as you thought you would, and/or that they're made up for by the new things you find in your new living situation.

[Cozzmo]

Preemptive nostalgia makes every familiar comfort loom large in your mind.

I like that you put that into words. I do have a tendency to resist change. For me, this is a doozy. I just went to get a haircut, and can't help but to look at the library and all my regular haunts with some regret.
But I am sure they have such things in Richmond too. :-)
Thanks.

[Turtle]

Preemptive nostalgia makes every familiar comfort loom large in your mind.

I like that you put that into words. I do have a tendency to resist change. For me, this is a doozy. I just went to get a haircut, and can't help but to look at the library and all my regular haunts with some regret.
But I am sure they have such things in Richmond too. :-)
Thanks.

I have cousins in the Richmond area, and my daughter's boyfriend is doing an internship there this summer. It seems to be a nice area with a lot to do.  Not the same amount of culture shock as moving to rural western Virginia, for example. 

3 years seems like plenty of time to give it a real chance to see if it grows on you.  There's nothing to stop you from moving back north later if it doesn't work out in a few years.

[Car Jack]

You're making a bunch of big changes at the same time.  Psychologists would have a field day with charts showing the stress points each change makes.  Putting them all together is quite understandable that it's whigging you out.  Once you get to Richmond, chill.  Give it time.  Have some fun.  Drive over to Colonial Williamsburg and just walk around.  If you're into the park, head to Busch Gardens.  I think Virginia residents get wicked cheap season passes.

THEN....after those 3 years are over and there's somewhere you really, really want to live, move there.  If the house is more expensive, so what?  If it's in your budget, then just do it.

Retirement does not need to be stressful.  I "practiced" being retired during covid with my remotely working job.  Now, 3 weeks into it, there is zero stress.  ZERO.  But I don't have rental houses and I plan to stay in my too big, too expensive house that's in the middle of my own woods so there's no selling and moving and IRS conversions and whatever you're talking about. 

Whatever else you do, just chill.  Take it easy and relax.

[Chris Pascale]

How are we looking a month out?

[MKinVA]

Richmond has great restaurants. Every cuisine you can name is here. Museums, libraries, historical societies, etc. Get out on the James for kayaking, boating, swimming, white watering. Check out the Richmond Zoo, Maymont Park, walk thru Hollywood Cemetery. Join a group from MeetUp RVA. University of Richmond has great arts and cultural programs. There are several professional and amateur theatre groups. Did I mention the Richmond Symphony? How about Trader Joe’s? Go shopping in Carytown. Richmond also has some of the best medical facilities in the country, just in case. Also, parks. Richmond has many public parks. You cannot be bored in Richmond.

[Cozzmo]

Richmond has great restaurants. Every cuisine you can name is here. Museums, libraries, historical societies, etc. Get out on the James for kayaking, boating, swimming, white watering. Check out the Richmond Zoo, Maymont Park, walk thru Hollywood Cemetery. Join a group from MeetUp RVA. University of Richmond has great arts and cultural programs. There are several professional and amateur theatre groups. Did I mention the Richmond Symphony? How about Trader Joe’s? Go shopping in Carytown. Richmond also has some of the best medical facilities in the country, just in case. Also, parks. Richmond has many public parks. You cannot be bored in Richmond.

I moved about 6 weeks ago.
Thanks for that really great list. Because I live in the Highlands of Chesterfield, Trader Joe's is 30 mins away, but so is a lot of stuff. Driving to do normal stuff is considered normal here.
 I just saw the Richmond Symphony at Pocahontas State Park, They were great! (That is like 10 minutes away from me).
Maymont is amazing too!
Thanks,
Chris

[Cozzmo]

How are we looking a month out?

Thanks for asking.
My wife and I have now been living here for about 6 months. (Chesterfield Virgina)
The work has been quite constant and seems rather unending.
I bought a Zero Turn Tractor to mow this 1.25 acres. It's really cool... My wife now just loves mowing the lawn.. I may never get to ride that thing.
I added a hitch to my Nissan Rogue and bought a trailer, making trips to the dump, and building gates, etc.
Surprisingly my back hasn't gone out. (Like it did several times before and once right after retirement day).
We have gotten to play golf a little and also are getting to explore the area.

Lots of contractors.
I am dissapointed that they seem as or more expensive than in Sterling VA.
We have just sealed our crawlspace.  (The first estimate was for $27 - $37K, which we refer to as the "go F yourself" price). :-)
The second estimate was for 9K. Still high, but we went with him. He really made it nice, and it has a dehumidifier. I could sleep down there.

We have yet to:
Clear 4 big trees that threaten the house.
Clear out the underbrush and little trees that threaten the big trees.
Getting tiles put into the sunroom as I type.
We are also getting the kitchen remodeled and all hardwood floors put in. (The plans are extensive).
Steel rail and repoint brick steps. / Rusted door needs bondo and repaint.
Is there any way to make the attic cooler?

The neighbors seem nice. We have met quite a few of them.
We have gotten onto the golf course a few times already.
It is also fun to just walk around it.
I haven't been able to slow down a bit yet. I have a lot of anxiety about all the stuff still on my to-do list but I think it will adventually get better.
I now have to tackle a squirrel mess. They haven't gotten into the attic itself, thank God, but somehow, they found a way to get into one vent window in such a way as to poop through the chicken wire that blocks their entry! (A lot of poop).
So, this house is much work, and it will never be as tightly put together as my N. Virginia house in Sterling.
Although, I have a lot of money in the bank from the sale of that property.
I may never stop secretly pining for the daily life and haunts of old. (Secretly because who wants to hear anything disparaging? ;-) )
But then again, this house overlooks the 12th green on a really great golf course. We have plenty of deer and hummingbirds, and I just saw my 1st ever coyote nearby.

Chris

[Cranky]

Honest, we retired and moved two years ago, and it was a LOT of work and has not been all that much fun, honestly. And we didn’t live our previous area, but we did have loads of friends and activities. Dh is still really bored and lonely.