Author Topic: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE  (Read 4477 times)

rachael talcott

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #50 on: November 19, 2022, 10:22:07 AM »
Is it at all possible to move?  I lived in the south for a really long time and also had a really difficult time socially.  I left less than a year ago and now have lots of friends. I place a lot of value on having friends who share my values, so I kinda regret not leaving sooner. 

tj

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #51 on: November 19, 2022, 10:41:44 AM »
Is it at all possible to move?  I lived in the south for a really long time and also had a really difficult time socially.  I left less than a year ago and now have lots of friends. I place a lot of value on having friends who share my values, so I kinda regret not leaving sooner.

Where did you move to?

LinLin

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #52 on: November 20, 2022, 01:02:51 PM »
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Is it at all possible to move?  I lived in the south for a really long time and also had a really difficult time socially.  I left less than a year ago and now have lots of friends. I place a lot of value on having friends who share my values, so I kinda regret not leaving sooner.

I would be thrilled to move, either back to New England or to Europe. However, my parents are getting older and less healthy… and our 13 year old grew up here, his friends and family are here, and he loves it. We figure when he’s ready to go off to college we will decide on our next move.

I can’t remember if I mentioned this in a previous post, but I have been working really hard these last few weeks on trying to make connections. We have coffee dates scheduled with three sets of people I met on Reddit, and I also joined meetup groups for non-religious women, liberals, etc. I think a part of the problem living in the south, for us, is that many people are so in-your-face religious that we just don’t click.

I would also love to know where you moved to!
« Last Edit: November 20, 2022, 01:06:20 PM by LinLin »

Malcat

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #53 on: November 20, 2022, 01:35:50 PM »
Quote
Is it at all possible to move?  I lived in the south for a really long time and also had a really difficult time socially.  I left less than a year ago and now have lots of friends. I place a lot of value on having friends who share my values, so I kinda regret not leaving sooner.

I would be thrilled to move, either back to New England or to Europe. However, my parents are getting older and less healthy… and our 13 year old grew up here, his friends and family are here, and he loves it. We figure when he’s ready to go off to college we will decide on our next move.

I can’t remember if I mentioned this in a previous post, but I have been working really hard these last few weeks on trying to make connections. We have coffee dates scheduled with three sets of people I met on Reddit, and I also joined meetup groups for non-religious women, liberals, etc. I think a part of the problem living in the south, for us, is that many people are so in-your-face religious that we just don’t click.

I would also love to know where you moved to!

Is is the religion that you don't click with or the values associated with that religion?

I'm friends with several devout Muslims who are very vocal about their faith and beliefs and I just take interest in how they differ from mine. However, they are progressive, feminist muslims, so our values don't conflict and I'm able to feel safe and comfortable with them.


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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #54 on: November 20, 2022, 02:12:30 PM »
Quote
Is it at all possible to move?  I lived in the south for a really long time and also had a really difficult time socially.  I left less than a year ago and now have lots of friends. I place a lot of value on having friends who share my values, so I kinda regret not leaving sooner.

I would be thrilled to move, either back to New England or to Europe. However, my parents are getting older and less healthy… and our 13 year old grew up here, his friends and family are here, and he loves it. We figure when he’s ready to go off to college we will decide on our next move.

I can’t remember if I mentioned this in a previous post, but I have been working really hard these last few weeks on trying to make connections. We have coffee dates scheduled with three sets of people I met on Reddit, and I also joined meetup groups for non-religious women, liberals, etc. I think a part of the problem living in the south, for us, is that many people are so in-your-face religious that we just don’t click.

I would also love to know where you moved to!

Is is the religion that you don't click with or the values associated with that religion?

I'm friends with several devout Muslims who are very vocal about their faith and beliefs and I just take interest in how they differ from mine. However, they are progressive, feminist muslims, so our values don't conflict and I'm able to feel safe and comfortable with them.

I agree with Malcat's take.  For a long time I thought it was just sort of religion with which I had issues. (And that is true in a meta sense.  I find most religions problematic.)  Then I made friends with a Christian (Catholic) woman.  She's not just a Christmas-and-Easter Catholic.  She attends church most Sundays, is active in her church, etc.  If you'd have described her that way to me before we met, I'd likely have assumed we could never be friends.  But I found those things out as our friendship developed, which is also relevant because it shows that she's not in-your-face about her religion.  Not mentioning it up front also allowed me to get past my own prejudices.  While our values don't align perfectly, she'd one the the kindest, most open, most generous people I know.  Based on what I know and understand of Christianity, she's probably the kind of Christian Jesus would have wanted, as compared to a lot of what I observe.  All the open-heartedness; none of the sanctimony and judgement.  She's never tried to convert me or bring me to church, but she also doesn't shy away from mentioning things that are important in her life, and that includes her church and her relationship with Christ.

It made me realize a prejudice in myself and also rethink how I approach religious people.

LinLin

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #55 on: November 21, 2022, 11:39:33 AM »
Good questions, Malcat and Villanelle!

I think it's more the values/culture of the in-your-face Christian community I don't click with. I have outspoken friends who practice other religions, and don't have the same issues. I also have Christian, church-going friends who have more liberal social beliefs and we get along great.

I've noticed, in my region, a sort of performative type of Christianity—people wearing crosses/cross tattoos, with Jesus fishes on their car, who tell everyone to have a blessed day. This wouldn't be a problem in itself, except that these same people always seem shocked to learn that not everyone is exactly like them.

For example:

  • I TWICE have had men go nuts when they asked me what my favorite thing is at Chick Fil A...and I admitted I'd never been there. Oh, I totally needed to go there because it's run by good Christians! Where am I from, anyway, to not ever have been to this fine Christian establishment?
  • Just the other day, I was having a very nice conversation with a guy who was chaperoning the school dance with me...until he told me in a conspiratorial way that it was such a shame that it's hard to know which bathroom to direct kids to these days because there are too many genders.
  • A professional life coach told me she doesn't want atheists "anywhere near her." I've known her for years, and she has zero idea my DH is an atheist (and I'm agnostic). Because why would anyone be different?

Up North, these situations may have have turned into good discussions. Here, it feels more sinister/dangerous somehow, and I don't dare tell them why I don't go to Chick Fil A or Hobby Lobby, why I don't give a crap what bathroom people use, or why I am agnostic. They're so cocksure that everyone is just like them, I'm afraid of what would happen if I were the one to burst that bubble for them.

It seems the combo of loudness + Christianity is a pretty good signifier that someone holds values I disagree with in a big way. Until now I have never gone out of my way to avoid people who don't hold similar values, or rejected them as friendship material out of hand—but I've now had enough of these experiences that I'd rather avoid the issue altogether by, say, joining Meetup groups like Non-Religious Women and Liberals Over 50.

It might seem like it would be harder to make friends this way, but I think it's just more efficient and less likely to end in disappointment. I'm going to my first Meetup of one of these groups soon and looking forward to it!
« Last Edit: November 21, 2022, 11:43:10 AM by LinLin »

Malcat

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #56 on: November 21, 2022, 11:48:34 AM »
Yeah, that sounds like a poor cultural fit in general.

I would have the same reaction about any community that was *that* in your face about anything, but would be miserable surrounded by such vocal people who hold such suffering values from my own.

That sounds very stressful and unpleasant. I would very much struggle with that.


LinLin

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #57 on: November 21, 2022, 12:11:01 PM »
Quote
Yeah, that sounds like a poor cultural fit in general.

I would have the same reaction about any community that was *that* in your face about anything, but would be miserable surrounded by such vocal people who hold such suffering values from my own.

That sounds very stressful and unpleasant. I would very much struggle with that.

Thank you for commiserating. I'd never really thought about it much beyond "I don't much like these people" until I answered the posts here. It is stressful and unpleasant! I hold some pretty far-left beliefs, but you wouldn't know about them unless you asked...and even then I would be careful not to stomp all over your beliefs.

We're also in a high-income zip code, so combine all that with very conspicuous consumption in some people. Don't get me wrong, we definitely could use a few face-punches ourselves...but imagine your kid asking why we don't have guns at home to protect our family like his friends' parents do...and why we don't buy a new Tesla/fleet of ATVs/beach house/RV that only gets used for tailgating at home football games...and why we won't get him a $25k used Camaro when he turns 16 like his friend will be getting...and why we care so much about LGBTQIA+ equity because his friends' parents say they're already treated equally.

(Thankfully he's a smart kid and very good at understanding our answers even if he doesn't agree with them.)

One of DS's friend's moms literally called us the R word when he mentioned we voted for Biden. Another one wouldn't believe him when he told her I got a Master's at of the best colleges in the U.S. on a full scholarship, because if you aren't bragging about something nonstop, clearly it never happened. We know everything they own and how much it cost, what college the dad went to 20 years ago, etc.—and we never talk to these people because they clearly don't like us! They feel it's appropriate to say all this to a 13-year-old.

Jesus, you are so right. We're not going anywhere anytime soon, but I'm just now seeing the seriousness of the situation that goes way beyond just making friends to hang with. Just what you needed in this thread, right? :D
« Last Edit: November 21, 2022, 12:26:53 PM by LinLin »

Malcat

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #58 on: November 21, 2022, 12:24:19 PM »
Quote
Yeah, that sounds like a poor cultural fit in general.

I would have the same reaction about any community that was *that* in your face about anything, but would be miserable surrounded by such vocal people who hold such suffering values from my own.

That sounds very stressful and unpleasant. I would very much struggle with that.

Thank you for commiserating. I'd never really thought about it much beyond "I don't much like these people" until I answered the posts here. It is stressful and unpleasant!

We're also in a high-income zip code, so combine all that with very conspicuous consumption in some people. Don't get me wrong, we definitely could use a few face-punches ourselves...but imagine your kid asking why we don't have guns at home to protect our family like his friends' parents do...and why we don't buy a new Tesla/fleet of ATVs/beach house/RV that only gets used for tailgating at home football games...and why we won't get him a $25k used Camaro when he turns 16 like his friend will be getting...and why we care so much about LGBTQIA+ equity because his friends' parents say they're already treated equally.

(Thankfully he's a smart kid and very good at having conversations about important topics. He's still at the age where he's trying to find his way in the world. He doesn't love that he will likely end up with an older Toyota instead of a newer Camaro/Jeep/whatever, but he understands why. He learned today that equity can mean legally having the same choices and access to services as everyone else.)

(One of DS's friend's moms literally called us the R word when he mentioned we voted for Biden. Another one wouldn't believe him when he told her I got a Master's at of the best colleges in the U.S. on a full scholarship, because if you aren't bragging about something nonstop, clearly it never happened. We know everything they own and how much it cost, what college the dad went to 20 years ago, etc.—and we never talk to these people because they clearly don't like us! They feel it's appropriate to say all this to a 13-year-old.)

Jesus, you are so right. We're not going anywhere anytime soon, but I'm just now seeing the seriousness of the situation that goes way beyond just making friends to hang with. Just what you needed in this thread, right? :D

These are VERY important things to be thinking about in your life.

I'm glad they've bubbled up.

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #59 on: November 21, 2022, 04:00:29 PM »
That sounds like an actively hostile environment for anyone who is not already in-group. It makes sense that the majority of interactions would be shallow - I would not feel particularly comfortable being any degree of open or vulnerable in this space. So, maybe your quest is finding the other alienated souls in your area?

LinLin

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #60 on: November 22, 2022, 12:03:19 PM »
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That sounds like an actively hostile environment for anyone who is not already in-group.

Definitely, and I like the way you put it...because I'm sure it happens when less-liberal-minded people move somewhere more liberal as well!

Thanks, everyone, for your posts/responses. This has been very helpful.

Just Joe

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #61 on: November 22, 2022, 07:16:03 PM »
Good discussion. I also live in the south and I'm lately re-evaluating my perspective of where we live. We like the place, don't always like the people for many of the reasons detailed here. Also not moving anytime soon due to family responsibilities and vicinity.

We too have experienced much of what everyone has detailed. In the past it was easier for us to overlook.

Missy B

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #62 on: November 22, 2022, 09:20:09 PM »


One of DS's friend's moms literally called us the R word when he mentioned we voted for Biden.
R word? I assume it isn't Republican...?

tj

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #63 on: November 22, 2022, 09:41:53 PM »


One of DS's friend's moms literally called us the R word when he mentioned we voted for Biden.
R word? I assume it isn't Republican...?

Yeah - I had to google it. I'm assuming it's related to this. 

https://www.tmz.com/2022/10/19/kanye-west-rips-president-biden-r-word-elon-musk-piers-morgan-interview/

Missy B

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #64 on: November 22, 2022, 10:32:21 PM »


One of DS's friend's moms literally called us the R word when he mentioned we voted for Biden.
R word? I assume it isn't Republican...?

Yeah - I had to google it. I'm assuming it's related to this. 

https://www.tmz.com/2022/10/19/kanye-west-rips-president-biden-r-word-elon-musk-piers-morgan-interview/
Thanks. I would never have guessed that 'retarded' is now considered so pejorative that we have to star out letters. 

soccerluvof4

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #65 on: November 23, 2022, 05:04:26 AM »
I recently went through a couple years of this because before I retired my job and those around it were my life as well as having 4 kids in the same sport and now thats all passed. We moved to a lake where everyone has know each other for a minimum of ten years and most 20+. I loved the people here and went to many lake functions and while people were super nice the invites were far and in between and alot of people If I had there money I would throw mine away. Overtime however that has changed and now we hang with several people and of all ages. Were both in our mid to late 50's and have some of our best times with people in there early 40's or early 70's. I feel I learn things from both and as long as there not complaining , political talking people I have a blast. I have a whole group I golf with , travel with now and my wife is involved now with some things that only the Women do. So my point is age I have learned is not a factor just spend time with people that have the same interest and go at your pace.

Secondly, and this was even bigger I had a very trying medical year and rejoined the YMCA. Instead of going there to just workout like I use to where no one ever talked to each other because of cell phones an plugs in there ears I started doing classes like Yoga, Body Combat, Body pump , Biking etc.. I then after a few months talked my wife into doing it with me because I was meeting so many people. She still works because she loves her job but we go together on weekends and weekdays she goes early before I work and I go usually around 9am. Anyhow we have made so many friends I could be doing something everyday of my life now. I have found there are more people that are in your or my position then you think.

Anyhow that is just my experience and I know how you feel. There are so many people too that just dont feel comfortable inviting etc.. but I have found most will come if you organize and I dont have a problem with that as long as I dont have to babysit them or they dont bring Drama. I like things simple and friendships should be.

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #66 on: November 24, 2022, 04:16:59 AM »
Hi @LinLin -- I'm in the same place and could have written much of your first post.  DH and I moved to North Carolina from the upper midwest six years ago and have experienced much of what you have.  I'm essentially an introvert but I would like to make new friends.  I've found it hard to find them here, and Covid really didn't help matters. 

I have one suggestion that I didn't see in the comments you've already gotten (apologies if I missed it) -- mustachian meetups. There was a North Carolina group that used to get together pre-Covid, mostly in the Triangle area I think.  You could bump that thread and see if anyone is up for a meetup:  https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/meetups-and-social-events/north-carolina/550/

And if you're ever out in the Western part of the state, feel free to PM me if you like.  We're near Asheville and I'd love to get together for a coffee or a walk.   

Brook

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #67 on: November 24, 2022, 07:05:04 PM »
I empathize.  I found that the people I've remained long term friends with were actually people I actually had business relationships with.  Perhaps because all were freelancers, they set their own schedules and priorities.    I do wonder what the busy-ness is all about. Some people think they are busy but in reality they are on facebook.

Recently I developed a whole new set of friends I never planned on - that was when I took a beginning class to learn a musical instrument.  Over time I have found musicians to be the most wonderful, easy going community.  They never seem busy.  It's the one time in my life where I knew people for over a year and never once did anyone talk about what they did for a living.  For all I know they could be a nuclear scientists or window washers.  I still I don't know. lol.  And it doesn't matter to anyone.

And there is nothing as wonderful as playing music with people -- even if you only can play 3 notes.  Musicians are so accepting of people at any level (at least the one's I've met).  It's a whole new world for me.  They also have tons of festivals, events, jams.
« Last Edit: November 24, 2022, 07:23:02 PM by Brook »

LinLin

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #68 on: November 25, 2022, 11:55:16 AM »
Quote
have one suggestion that I didn't see in the comments you've already gotten (apologies if I missed it) -- mustachian meetups. There was a North Carolina group that used to get together pre-Covid, mostly in the Triangle area I think.  You could bump that thread and see if anyone is up for a meetup:  https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/meetups-and-social-events/north-carolina/550/.

And if you're ever out in the Western part of the state, feel free to PM me if you like.  We're near Asheville and I'd love to get together for a coffee or a walk.   

Thank you! I am actually in the Triangle area so I will check this out. I looked before but I think I was in the wrong place in the forum. And if you are ever in the area please reach out! If you DM me I can share my cell.

Quote
Recently I developed a whole new set of friends I never planned on - that was when I took a beginning class to learn a musical instrument.  Over time I have found musicians to be the most wonderful, easy going community.  They never seem busy.  It's the one time in my life where I knew people for over a year and never once did anyone talk about what they did for a living.  For all I know they could be a nuclear scientists or window washers.  I still I don't know. lol.  And it doesn't matter to anyone.

I love this! I'm more of a visual artist and am hoping to get involved with a local drawing meetup. They meet kind of late in the evening for me but I may bite the bullet and do it. I also took a one-day woodworking class and it was so fun. The people were great. I'll bet visual artists are much the same way as the musicians you've met!

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #69 on: November 25, 2022, 12:19:54 PM »
I empathize.  I found that the people I've remained long term friends with were actually people I actually had business relationships with.  Perhaps because all were freelancers, they set their own schedules and priorities.    I do wonder what the busy-ness is all about. Some people think they are busy but in reality they are on facebook.

Recently I developed a whole new set of friends I never planned on - that was when I took a beginning class to learn a musical instrument.  Over time I have found musicians to be the most wonderful, easy going community.  They never seem busy.  It's the one time in my life where I knew people for over a year and never once did anyone talk about what they did for a living.  For all I know they could be a nuclear scientists or window washers.  I still I don't know. lol.  And it doesn't matter to anyone.

And there is nothing as wonderful as playing music with people -- even if you only can play 3 notes.  Musicians are so accepting of people at any level (at least the one's I've met).  It's a whole new world for me.  They also have tons of festivals, events, jams.

Interesting you mention this.  For some reason, I've been wanting to learn pottery. I fondly recall my elementary school days of making little bowls and vases an ephemera. I am an introvert with significant social anxiety, especially when it comes to situations where I am clueless (as i am with throwing pottery).  So I've been very hesitant to be the clueless girl who walks into class all, "Hey guys!  I want to make bowlz 'n stuff".  But maybe I'd find the same welcoming vibe.  I'm going to see if there is a beginning pottery class anywhere near me.  Thanks for sharing this!

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #70 on: November 25, 2022, 07:24:05 PM »
Quote
That sounds like an actively hostile environment for anyone who is not already in-group.

Definitely, and I like the way you put it...because I'm sure it happens when less-liberal-minded people move somewhere more liberal as well!

Thanks, everyone, for your posts/responses. This has been very helpful.

I don't mean to minimize your experiences with this, as they do sound very frustrating, and although we are likely on different sides of many issues from your post, I totally understand the frustration with people aggressively pushing their views - whatever they might be - on you or mocking you for your views you have that are different from them.

I, too, live in a generally pretty conservative area,  and although I grew up with many conservative views, I have changed in many areas as I've aged and not in others. That being said, even in the conservative area that I'm in, I've had some weirdly aggressively liberal perspectives people have thrust on me. In the past year, off the cuff, I've been heckled by someone for simply eating a Chick-Fil-A sandwich while minding my own business (ironically the other side of your post). I've been harassed for showing a video for work that happened to contain a picture of J.K. Rowling that I didn't even create with a demand that I somehow edit the video to take her off of it (for TERF views, not anti-Harry Potter is witchcraft nonsense). I've been mocked by an openly bisexual person for having my DS in dance class because that's weird for a boy to be in.

I can only empathize a little, because overall, I can at least relate to the majority of people here culturally even if I now disagree with them at least somewhat on their conservative views. I'm not a fish out of water so to speak. I have, though, tried to maintain good relationships with people who are aggressive with me on their views, as long as it isn't all the time, and they're decent folks. The first two situations - I still have a good relationship with both people. The third situation - that person is pretty much a jerk overall, so I don't really want anything to do with them regardless (and the situation of making fun of my son would have probably have been a huge damper on things regardless). That being said, I certainly wouldn't have anything to do with some of the people you mentioned - if they don't want to have anything to do with atheists, I mean, forget them of course, and if some people's beliefs are too far from yours that you can't tolerate them, that makes sense too. Other times, I try to ignore the agressiveness. I rarely challenge anyone on being aggressive unless we're really close, but I just try to overlook it if it's not the norm. Again, I know this is easier to do when these don't happen often.

All that to be said, I hope that you find good friends, that people don't harass you, and that hopefully some people who make an overly aggressive statement here or there turn out to be not as bad as they seem.

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #71 on: November 26, 2022, 03:18:36 AM »
Quote
have one suggestion that I didn't see in the comments you've already gotten (apologies if I missed it) -- mustachian meetups. There was a North Carolina group that used to get together pre-Covid, mostly in the Triangle area I think.  You could bump that thread and see if anyone is up for a meetup:  https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/meetups-and-social-events/north-carolina/550/.

And if you're ever out in the Western part of the state, feel free to PM me if you like.  We're near Asheville and I'd love to get together for a coffee or a walk.   

Thank you! I am actually in the Triangle area so I will check this out. I looked before but I think I was in the wrong place in the forum. And if you are ever in the area please reach out! If you DM me I can share my cell.

Thanks @LinLin !  I will take you up on that.  Our son (16) will be doing some college visits in the winter/spring, so I will quite likely be over your way. 

LinLin

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #72 on: November 26, 2022, 08:42:44 PM »
Quote
Thanks @LinLin !  I will take you up on that.  Our son (16) will be doing some college visits in the winter/spring, so I will quite likely be over your way.

@Trifele sounds good!

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #73 on: November 27, 2022, 12:04:38 AM »
Here's an obscure one that I stumbled upon on accident. Become a platelet donor!

I was turned onto it by someone that I volunteer with, he's been donating for a long time... He's over 600 donations at this point. Anyways, the first time I donated platelets everyone was super friendly and grateful since you're donating your time and body to literally help save lives. It was such a pleasant experience for me that I just kept going back. The donation takes a few hours so you will just chit chat for the half hour or so it takes to get things started and when it's over.

I'm a "regular" now and I know most of the staff, and bits about their lives, their families, why they like working there and stuff like that. It's not like I go in and talk to them for hours, but I am friendly with them, like if I saw them outside of donating I'm sure we would chat. For me, it gives me a little more structure to my weeks knowing that one day I'm going to go donate. I also feel like I'm part of that community there, and it's quite literally one of the laziest things you can do to save lives, you go there and watch netflix for a few hours while you donate. Platelets can only be stored for 5 days so they're always in need.

Anyways, for me that was an accidental "meetup" that I do regularly now.

rosarugosa

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #74 on: November 27, 2022, 04:18:27 AM »
I empathize.  I found that the people I've remained long term friends with were actually people I actually had business relationships with.  Perhaps because all were freelancers, they set their own schedules and priorities.    I do wonder what the busy-ness is all about. Some people think they are busy but in reality they are on facebook.

Recently I developed a whole new set of friends I never planned on - that was when I took a beginning class to learn a musical instrument.  Over time I have found musicians to be the most wonderful, easy going community.  They never seem busy.  It's the one time in my life where I knew people for over a year and never once did anyone talk about what they did for a living.  For all I know they could be a nuclear scientists or window washers.  I still I don't know. lol.  And it doesn't matter to anyone.

And there is nothing as wonderful as playing music with people -- even if you only can play 3 notes.  Musicians are so accepting of people at any level (at least the one's I've met).  It's a whole new world for me.  They also have tons of festivals, events, jams.

Interesting you mention this.  For some reason, I've been wanting to learn pottery. I fondly recall my elementary school days of making little bowls and vases an ephemera. I am an introvert with significant social anxiety, especially when it comes to situations where I am clueless (as i am with throwing pottery).  So I've been very hesitant to be the clueless girl who walks into class all, "Hey guys!  I want to make bowlz 'n stuff".  But maybe I'd find the same welcoming vibe.  I'm going to see if there is a beginning pottery class anywhere near me.  Thanks for sharing this!

If I may go on a bit of a tangent here, I started taking pottery classes this year (with my DH and my sister) and we absolutely love it!  We've started with beginners' classes, so nobody looks down at us for being beginners. The studio has a very cool vibe and we've met nothing but nice people there.  It's also been my experience that more experienced potters are often happy to share their knowledge with us.  It's a cool community and I think it's a great place to meet interesting and creative people.  And the pottery making itself is fascinating and complex and I'm a bit obsessed now, falling asleep with visions of glaze treatments swirling in my head!

LinLin

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #75 on: November 28, 2022, 09:21:54 PM »
Quote
I, too, live in a generally pretty conservative area,  and although I grew up with many conservative views, I have changed in many areas as I've aged and not in others. That being said, even in the conservative area that I'm in, I've had some weirdly aggressively liberal perspectives people have thrust on me. In the past year, off the cuff, I've been heckled by someone for simply eating a Chick-Fil-A sandwich while minding my own business (ironically the other side of your post). I've been harassed for showing a video for work that happened to contain a picture of J.K. Rowling that I didn't even create with a demand that I somehow edit the video to take her off of it (for TERF views, not anti-Harry Potter is witchcraft nonsense). I've been mocked by an openly bisexual person for having my DS in dance class because that's weird for a boy to be in.

What the heck?

It sounds like many of these people are coworkers or people you are close to? In the situations I mentioned, these people were all complete strangers (except the life coach)! I'm not sure which is worse…heckling your own friends and fellow employees because their views differ from yours, or heckling strangers because you simply can't fathom that other people would ever have different views. :)

Also, BOO to the jerk who said your son shouldn't be dancing. It's really crappy to tell boys that they shouldn't dance if they want to. Most male dancers are way stronger than the jerks who make fun of them! My DS did ballet seriously for over five years. He's now able to pick up other sports, like football, really easily, and is also very confident speaking and performing in front of large crowds. But not a single one of his current friends knows about his (recent) past because DS knows they'd never let him hear the end of it.

« Last Edit: November 28, 2022, 09:26:04 PM by LinLin »

By the River

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #76 on: December 01, 2022, 01:07:19 PM »
Also, BOO to the jerk who said your son shouldn't be dancing. It's really crappy to tell boys that they shouldn't dance if they want to. Most male dancers are way stronger than the jerks who make fun of them! My DS did ballet seriously for over five years. He's now able to pick up other sports, like football, really easily, and is also very confident speaking and performing in front of large crowds. But not a single one of his current friends knows about his (recent) past because DS knows they'd never let him hear the end of it.

My brother-in-law's nephew was in dance classes for probably 8-10 years.  He also was a running back for his high school and signed a football scholarship at a perennial top 25 program.   Never started but did have some playing time.

Wolfpack Mustachian

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Re: Making non-busy friends post-FIRE
« Reply #77 on: December 01, 2022, 01:37:42 PM »
Also, BOO to the jerk who said your son shouldn't be dancing. It's really crappy to tell boys that they shouldn't dance if they want to. Most male dancers are way stronger than the jerks who make fun of them! My DS did ballet seriously for over five years. He's now able to pick up other sports, like football, really easily, and is also very confident speaking and performing in front of large crowds. But not a single one of his current friends knows about his (recent) past because DS knows they'd never let him hear the end of it.

My brother-in-law's nephew was in dance classes for probably 8-10 years.  He also was a running back for his high school and signed a football scholarship at a perennial top 25 program.   Never started but did have some playing time.

I like hearing stories like that because dance people are incredibly strong and coordinated. It's great even if you never do any more with it than treat it like yoga or whatever to simply build yourself up.

For clarification from before because it might have sounded weird, as mentioned, the person is openly bisexual, and I have not seen any indication that they have concerns about gender non conformance in any sense, much less in such a vague sense. On the other hand, I've seen them very often show they enjoy inserting their opinions on anything and everything aggressively with the intent of making others feel bad, pretty much because they're a jerk of a person.