Author Topic: FIRE - Do you tell people or not ?  (Read 6468 times)

Loren Ver

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Re: FIRE - Do you tell people or not ?
« Reply #50 on: January 26, 2021, 01:03:38 PM »
We have told people we care about.  Not shout it from the roof tops, but if people ask, we tell them.
DH did facebook it.  Mom also states that we are happily retired and doing this and that in her Christmas letter to family and friends (making it official) so it is pretty widely known.  It is how we are living now, and we aren't ones to really obfuscate.  How people choose to feel about it is their responsibility.  Several people have asked for money advice and I meet with some of them regularly to help them reach their goals (some FIRE, some other things entirely). 

People we are just passing by (like those that ask "so what do you do") they get an answer relevant to the environment we are in.  Most people are just being polite and would much rather talk about themselves, they aren't really asking big deep questions.  I'd rather hear what they have to say since I already know how I spend my time.   

If people are fishing for conversation starters or things we have in common, then old jobs help etc.  Just figure out the point of the conversation and build from there. 

rae09

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Re: FIRE - Do you tell people or not ?
« Reply #51 on: January 26, 2021, 01:40:33 PM »
I've told my mom before about my plan to retire early and she retired in her early 50s so she was completely receptive to the idea. Other than that, I told my uncle since he's also retired and he was proud of me to reach FI so early in life. He doesn't know my NW but he knows I don't have to work again if I don't want to.

To other friends and family, I just said that I was laid off and I'm on a break right now. Some suggest to try applying here or there, some say you'll get something. I just smile and say thank you and I'm not worried about it. I don't feel that I have to explain anything and letting them know doesn't add anything to our relationship either so I chose not to. Nobody pressed for more details so far.

InvincibleChutzpah

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Re: FIRE - Do you tell people or not ?
« Reply #52 on: February 08, 2021, 02:26:50 PM »
I'm not FI yet, but there are some people I will tell. Honestly, most of my friends won't care. I'm not going to shout it from the rooftops, but I likely won't lie about it.

My parents FIREd so I know they will be happy for me. I also have a few friends who are on the FIRE path. We share milestones now and so they will probably be the first people I let know when I cross that finish line. I'll also probably tell my best friend. She's not interested in FIRE, but I've discussed it with her. I know she'll be happy for me and isn't the type to judge or ask for money.

The only exception I can see is my partners mom. She's mentally unstable, a hoarder, constantly being kicked out of places. We're mostly NC with her, but she doesn't ever need to know our financial situation IMO.

jeromedawg

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Re: FIRE - Do you tell people or not ?
« Reply #53 on: February 08, 2021, 03:07:41 PM »
My family and my in-laws/extended family would think I'm crazy if I told them I'm thinking about FIRE. So I'd avoid using that term. Like @spartana, I'd probably use the term "Sabbatical" or "in between jobs" or "career change" lol

I think if anything I'll probably and hopefully go in some form of Coast/Barista/Lean FIRE (or a combination of the three) where my wife and I are working some 'odd jobs' that we actually enjoy or that we can at least do on our own terms and time.

Villanelle

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Re: FIRE - Do you tell people or not ?
« Reply #54 on: February 08, 2021, 03:21:59 PM »
OP, I'm not sure from your description if you plan not to talk about it at all, or if you are trying to concoct some kind of cover story.  I would caution you to think about how you will talk about this not just now, but 10 years from now.  You might get tired of the story, but find a harder time with the whole truth after that long.

For me, I told my family that I expected to retire when I came back from Ireland.  Of course, I expected that in 2023.  Having come back to the US in 2020, I called it a sabbatical, and that was true:  I wasn't sure how my stache would fare in 2020, I had received a European-sized severance that discouraged me from working for the rest of the year, and I used that time to think about where I was.  Come 2021, I am fully retired.  I do not shout it to the heavens, but I am open about it, if it comes up.  And I have no trouble telling people "no" if they assume I have oodles of time to give them--I have a lot going on!

Also be careful concocting a story that is actually a lie. It's psychologically exhausting and damaging to consistently lie to those close to you. Sometimes it's necessary, but it comes at a cost, which might be worse than just dealing with reality head on


Couldn't agree more with this.  And frankly, I think it is messed up to lie to the people one professes to care about, without a damn good reason.  (And "it's hard to say no" isn't a damn good reason.)

I think there are ways to finesse the truth so that you aren't outright lying.  My spouse is still working, but I quite to be an overseas trailing spouse and as it turns out, I may have actually retired, though that wasn't the plan--or even a remote possibility we considered--at the time.  For now, I am working on my writing, hoping to eventually publish and make a few bucks.  So I tell strangers I am a writer (and I am!) and I tell friends and family that I'm trying to make a go at writing (also very true)  and only those closest to me get told that it's unlikely I will ever pursue regular employment again but I'm working on writing which I hope will provide a little bit of extra income in our future.

None of those things are lies or even significant stretches of the truth.  I can't imagine flat out telling someone I claim to care about that I have a part time job when I don't, or that I've been looking for work and can't find it, or whatever.  Now, if it's not someone I care about but I somehow find myself in a position where I can't just say, "that's not really any of your business" or even "I'm not comfortable sharing that"?  Maybe I'd lie, but then it's going to be someone who plays basically no role in my life, not a friend--no matter how casual--or a family member.

FR2000EE

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Re: FIRE - Do you tell people or not ?
« Reply #55 on: March 13, 2021, 02:24:57 PM »
I am surprised how interesting this question has been in my short 1 year retirement.

On the day I retired at 54, I told my large AA group, today was my last day of work. Many people knew and everybody close to me. Probably because a few years ago at age 50, I resigned and my boss talked me into staying part time, which I did for a few years. So, I have already had discussions with those around me.

Overtime, I see someone whom I haven't seen in a while, and they ask me, "Have you retired yet?". I feel very proud to answer yeah about a year ago, which seems like a long time. I feel proud because it was a hard decision emotionally, more so than financially.

One of the best feeling I have experienced in retirement is when I hear some of my friends complain about having to still work. Mostly because these are the exact people who always pointed out how cheap I was, when I try to save a buck here or there.

And I have also noticed over time, when I don't know someone well and they say what do you do, I sometimes say I am retired, if I want to get to know them more, or sometimes, I just say, I'm not working right now. I don't fee like I am lying, because sometimes I have thought about going back to work. Usually, I just sit and wait for that compulsion to pass, but I mostly blame it on covid lockdowns and the lack of interaction and travel restrictions. I look forward to experiencing retirement more again soon.

The other reason that I have been very happy to be retired and healthy is seeing quite a few folks who work longer and seem to have physical challenges very early in retirement. So, I am grateful for each day of retired health.

Overall, most people are happy for me, when I say I am retired, but frankly, I don't really think they care that much because they are thinking about themselves.

I really appreciate this community and hearing all the discussion. Thanks.

MasterStache

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Re: FIRE - Do you tell people or not ?
« Reply #56 on: March 15, 2021, 05:11:16 AM »
Eh, if anyone inquires sure I tell them. I never go into personal details about our finances. I think they can surmise we saved a lot of money. I am always happy to give tips to them. I've had folks talk about how they have been wanting to simplify their lives more (downsize, sell the expensive car, get rid of crap, etc.) but it always seems that their significant other wants more.

Much Fishing to Do

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Re: FIRE - Do you tell people or not ?
« Reply #57 on: March 15, 2021, 06:44:49 AM »

One of the best feeling I have experienced in retirement is when I hear some of my friends complain about having to still work. Mostly because these are the exact people who always pointed out how cheap I was, when I try to save a buck here or there.

And I have also noticed over time, when I don't know someone well and they say what do you do, I sometimes say I am retired, if I want to get to know them more, or sometimes, I just say, I'm not working right now. I don't fee like I am lying, because sometimes I have thought about going back to work. Usually, I just sit and wait for that compulsion to pass, but I mostly blame it on covid lockdowns and the lack of interaction and travel restrictions. I look forward to experiencing retirement more again soon.



Heh, yeah, I'm pretty sure the two reactions I'll get is "of course, he made a ton more money than me" from those I out-earned and "of course, he's always been a cheap bastard" from my similar income peers.

And given I've worked from home for over a decade now, and that my hours often fluctuated both in when and how much, I don't think the people I don't bring it up with will even notice.

But in the end it looks like I'll be 50 when I completely pull the trigger, so its not like its the oddball move as someone at say 35 (heck my kids think of me as an old man anyway so of course I should be retiring soon)
« Last Edit: March 15, 2021, 06:48:16 AM by Much Fishing to Do »

MMMWannaBe

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Re: FIRE - Do you tell people or not ?
« Reply #58 on: March 18, 2021, 10:11:57 PM »
 "lying to loved ones comes at a significant psychological cost that shouldn't be under estimated. "

You certainly take a different perspective than my husband.  A few years ago we paid off our house.  Although I had no compulsion to tell people, if asked I felt no compulsion to lie either.  My husband forbade me to tell anybody - I told him I had a hard time lying when asked point blank.  And the weird thing is, it is unbelievalbe how many times I am asked if our house is paid off.  I do consider it a prying question, but I do not like being under an edict to lie.  My husband's Mom has asked me numerous times how long until our house is paid off.

I retired at 42.  My husband still works so it does not seem odd.  He could stop working at any time.  I see little upside of talking finance to others.  I was very excited when I discovered MMM.  I tried to share the philosophy with others - they were not interested.  If my husband were to retire tomorrow if queried it would be a simple we saved and compounding is amazing.

And Malcat I do want to know what you did.  And dont say consulting.

Malcat

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Re: FIRE - Do you tell people or not ?
« Reply #59 on: March 19, 2021, 06:54:14 AM »
"lying to loved ones comes at a significant psychological cost that shouldn't be under estimated. "

You certainly take a different perspective than my husband.  A few years ago we paid off our house.  Although I had no compulsion to tell people, if asked I felt no compulsion to lie either.  My husband forbade me to tell anybody - I told him I had a hard time lying when asked point blank.  And the weird thing is, it is unbelievalbe how many times I am asked if our house is paid off.  I do consider it a prying question, but I do not like being under an edict to lie.  My husband's Mom has asked me numerous times how long until our house is paid off.

I retired at 42.  My husband still works so it does not seem odd.  He could stop working at any time.  I see little upside of talking finance to others.  I was very excited when I discovered MMM.  I tried to share the philosophy with others - they were not interested.  If my husband were to retire tomorrow if queried it would be a simple we saved and compounding is amazing.

And Malcat I do want to know what you did.  And dont say consulting.

Again, there's a difference between being private and sustaining a meaningful lie.

If I had a paid off house and didn't want to share it, I would tell partial truths and employ redirection.
"Is your house paid off?"
"We've made extra payments on the mortgage, but with these super low interest rates, I wonder if it makes more sense these days to just keep a mortgage and invest more? What do you think?"

In dealing with in laws, I'll always defer to my spouse as to how it should be handled, and I am willing to sustain White lies on that front because I'm not overly close with some of mine, and yes, they can be invasive. However, I'm never left stranded, and we devise a clear messaging that we stick to, like politicians trying to manage a scandal.

I already fully acknowledged that sometimes deception is the best course of action, but as I said before, that doesn't mean that it doesn't take it's toll. I'm sure it takes its toll on your DH too, even if he feels it's worth it.

As for me, I'm a retired medical professional, and had side hustles in financial and management consulting for other health professionals. In my particular medical area, people tend to have a ton of questions, so if I lead with that, I know I'm stuck in doctor mode for awhile, which on my off hours, I just don't want, so I stick with "consultant" and then few people care.

Wolfpack Mustachian

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Re: FIRE - Do you tell people or not ?
« Reply #60 on: March 20, 2021, 09:33:30 AM »
"lying to loved ones comes at a significant psychological cost that shouldn't be under estimated. "

You certainly take a different perspective than my husband.  A few years ago we paid off our house.  Although I had no compulsion to tell people, if asked I felt no compulsion to lie either.  My husband forbade me to tell anybody - I told him I had a hard time lying when asked point blank.  And the weird thing is, it is unbelievalbe how many times I am asked if our house is paid off.  I do consider it a prying question, but I do not like being under an edict to lie.  My husband's Mom has asked me numerous times how long until our house is paid off.

I retired at 42.  My husband still works so it does not seem odd.  He could stop working at any time.  I see little upside of talking finance to others.  I was very excited when I discovered MMM.  I tried to share the philosophy with others - they were not interested.  If my husband were to retire tomorrow if queried it would be a simple we saved and compounding is amazing.

And Malcat I do want to know what you did.  And dont say consulting.

Again, there's a difference between being private and sustaining a meaningful lie.

If I had a paid off house and didn't want to share it, I would tell partial truths and employ redirection.
"Is your house paid off?"
"We've made extra payments on the mortgage, but with these super low interest rates, I wonder if it makes more sense these days to just keep a mortgage and invest more? What do you think?"

In dealing with in laws, I'll always defer to my spouse as to how it should be handled, and I am willing to sustain White lies on that front because I'm not overly close with some of mine, and yes, they can be invasive. However, I'm never left stranded, and we devise a clear messaging that we stick to, like politicians trying to manage a scandal.

I already fully acknowledged that sometimes deception is the best course of action, but as I said before, that doesn't mean that it doesn't take it's toll. I'm sure it takes its toll on your DH too, even if he feels it's worth it.

As for me, I'm a retired medical professional, and had side hustles in financial and management consulting for other health professionals. In my particular medical area, people tend to have a ton of questions, so if I lead with that, I know I'm stuck in doctor mode for awhile, which on my off hours, I just don't want, so I stick with "consultant" and then few people care.

Such a sad but accurate way to put it. How crazy is the world that "we" post for all the world to see on social media the $75,000 new truck we got but treating saving that same money responsibly is more akin to a scandal. Not saying you meant it entirely this way; it's just what came to mind.

Malcat

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Re: FIRE - Do you tell people or not ?
« Reply #61 on: March 20, 2021, 09:43:48 AM »
"lying to loved ones comes at a significant psychological cost that shouldn't be under estimated. "

You certainly take a different perspective than my husband.  A few years ago we paid off our house.  Although I had no compulsion to tell people, if asked I felt no compulsion to lie either.  My husband forbade me to tell anybody - I told him I had a hard time lying when asked point blank.  And the weird thing is, it is unbelievalbe how many times I am asked if our house is paid off.  I do consider it a prying question, but I do not like being under an edict to lie.  My husband's Mom has asked me numerous times how long until our house is paid off.

I retired at 42.  My husband still works so it does not seem odd.  He could stop working at any time.  I see little upside of talking finance to others.  I was very excited when I discovered MMM.  I tried to share the philosophy with others - they were not interested.  If my husband were to retire tomorrow if queried it would be a simple we saved and compounding is amazing.

And Malcat I do want to know what you did.  And dont say consulting.

Again, there's a difference between being private and sustaining a meaningful lie.

If I had a paid off house and didn't want to share it, I would tell partial truths and employ redirection.
"Is your house paid off?"
"We've made extra payments on the mortgage, but with these super low interest rates, I wonder if it makes more sense these days to just keep a mortgage and invest more? What do you think?"

In dealing with in laws, I'll always defer to my spouse as to how it should be handled, and I am willing to sustain White lies on that front because I'm not overly close with some of mine, and yes, they can be invasive. However, I'm never left stranded, and we devise a clear messaging that we stick to, like politicians trying to manage a scandal.

I already fully acknowledged that sometimes deception is the best course of action, but as I said before, that doesn't mean that it doesn't take it's toll. I'm sure it takes its toll on your DH too, even if he feels it's worth it.

As for me, I'm a retired medical professional, and had side hustles in financial and management consulting for other health professionals. In my particular medical area, people tend to have a ton of questions, so if I lead with that, I know I'm stuck in doctor mode for awhile, which on my off hours, I just don't want, so I stick with "consultant" and then few people care.

Such a sad but accurate way to put it. How crazy is the world that "we" post for all the world to see on social media the $75,000 new truck we got but treating saving that same money responsibly is more akin to a scandal. Not saying you meant it entirely this way; it's just what came to mind.

Lol, well I was personally not at ALL referring to anything to do with FIRE or personal finance. I truly don't give a fuck on that front, and I have always let my freak-flag fly.

What I was referring to was my particular case of having complex health issues and having some in-laws who like to ask me a lot of invasive questions about very personal aspects of my body, and not because they care. So I prefer to stay quite private about the struggles I deal with day to day because it's none of their fucking business. So DH and I have "talking points" that we both know to stick to, and not stray from.

My point was that sometimes privacy is incredibly important, but that should be determined by the individuals, not by society.

I truly don't give a flying fuck what society expects of me, but I do have certain parts of myself that I prefer not to share openly, regardless of what society thinks about it.