Got Fired, decided I'm FIREd! 39F, where the ladies at?

[FireOnTheMuffin]

Hi!  I haven't spent much time in the forums here, but having lurked a little on the Reddit FIRE subreddit, this seemed a safer place to introduce myself (given I'm done with the hustling portion of the FIRE journey and there seems to be a lot of nonsense directed at those who have done it?). 

Here's my story!  Was in BigLaw for nearly 14 years, during these incredible bull market years we have had.  Never loved the job and intense schedule demands, which caused me health problems from the stress.  But just kept at it, some serious one-more-year/one-more-maternity-leave syndrome going on.  After second kid, during my maternity leave, I asked my boss if the firm could do something super part time for me.  Maybe I'd just be an on-call pinch hitter during busy times, no need to pay me when not working.  They thought about it for 2 months, and came back and said No, plus we're letting you go. 

That was several months ago and I decided not to look for something new.  Just enjoyed my baby until she made it to daycare this fall.  And then the last couple months just been suffering from catching all the daycare germs!  Have not really accomplished anything on my long list of to-dos yet.

I estimate net worth of ~$4.2M on my own, which includes about $700k in 401(k)/IRA accounts, $500k equity in a rental property, $200k in primary residence, and $500k in 529 accounts for the kids.  I started on my FIRE journey in 2008 before I'd really ever heard of it, by loading up a 529 account in my own name and then in my nephew's name.  Didn't have my own child until recently, when I then switched all 529s to my child's name, which explains why there is so much 529.  They better go to elite colleges!  All this does not include another $2.3M that is in an account where my father deposited annual gift exclusion amounts since I was young, but which I began managing around 2014 on my own.  (I got fed up when he sold all the stocks in the account somehow related to his hatred of Obama and let it sit as cash from 2011-2014).  He and I are on questionable terms, so I don't really consider this money mine even though it legally is.  I feel I have to leave it in the event he ever asks for it back. 

I do have large mortgages at very low rates, and expect to spend $500k+ on a renovation of primary residence.  Hoping to do some of the work myself, but while I am quite handy, I cannot say I am hale and hearty to do everything... I am a small woman and do get tired quickly.  Still, overall I probably worked way longer than I needed to, but then again, I could not predict how the market would keep going up.  Like, even this last year has been insane!

My partner is still working, but we keep our finances separate, though I do manage his for him.  He also is not yet at the point where he would be happy not working.  There is an ego aspect to it for him that I just never had for myself.  We joke that one day, maybe he will decide to "lie flat" (from the recent Chinese youth phenomenon).  But his finances are stable as well, and I am on his insurance.

Here are some things niggling at me:

1) I am so tired...  It could be the daycare germs talking, but when am I going to be able to get on top of my life??

2) Asian parents will not approve of me not working.  They did pay for my law school.  I only just recently told my mom, and have not told my dad.  He and I are not speaking for over a year, for other reasons.  Asian parents make me cry.

3) Husband does not really approve of me not working.  It is not the money to him, but he thinks I set a bad example for our daughters.  I don't actually expect that I will do nothing for the rest of their childhoods/my life.  I do expect I will find something fun to do that makes small income with time, but right now, I so tired.  This causes bickering between us often.

4) Have not found many friends in my community.  I worry my situation is hard to relate to for most people, but how can I make real friends if I am not honest about my life?  I do have friends from law school and college who I can be honest with, as many are equally well-to-do, but they are not in my location.  I've seen people post (on reddit) who people give shit at for asking whether to keep things secret.  But, it is honestly hard to do.  Like, if somebody asks me what I was just doing, I'm like, exhausted and covered in dirt, and the truth is I just changed out the garage door opener at my rental property that they don't know about.  What do you say?  My husband was recently out at a dinner with a new coworker who was lamenting trying to buy a house.  And somebody ELSE at dinner somehow outed my husband as owning a portfolio of homes... Awkward.

5) Relatedly, where my FIREd ladies at?  It does not feel fair to call me a SAHM, because I've already had an entire career and I do not rely on my husband's income at all.  But that is what people would assume I am, and my husband calls me this and says we're a single income family now, to annoy me.  Somehow feel like a man in my position would not be judged the same.  Any other women in similar position?

Not necessarily looking for advice on anything in particular, but maybe looking for community.

[swashbucklinstache]

1 and 3

Never loved the job and intense schedule demands, which caused me health problems from the stress.

Which would your husband rather have as a role model for your daughters, you happy and alive and not working or you exhausted until you die at 50. You won capitalism and are risking death for no marginal gain. Is that a role model?

You sound burned out. You are tired from changing the batteries in a garage door opener. A few months is nowhere near long enough to decompress. Many people here say 6 months. After a decade and a half in big law and various pushing throughs you may be looking at double or triple that, and may have to work at it actively including with the support of a professional.

2
I can't relate directly but I focused on positively thanking people for setting me up to win and congratulating them on living a happy and full life while doing so, implicitly hoping they'll join me in my excitement than I've now won. It may be that you can't please them directly ever and may need to learn to be okay with that. It is probably very difficult.

4
If nothing else there are other big law people here. As for me, I dress down and am very fine with white lies myself. I also seek out places where money isn't really a factor, like hiking or volunteering e.g. at school.

Awkwardness or lies may be a cost of being rich just like taxes are.

Let me take a pause and ask you if you think it will be easier to find friends in your community if you go back to a soul-sucking job that takes all your time...

General
You were fired from your job. You did not choose this. You have a job, you are a landlord. You have a second job as a parent. If you want another easier or part-time one after a year or two solely to be a role model to your children after discussing with your partner do it then. Please don't do it now.

That said, changes are hard on relationships. Keep talking it through with your partner. There could be easy underlying things to solve or maybe just the passage of time.

[Ron Scott]

It does not feel fair to call me a SAHM, because I've already had an entire career and I do not rely on my husband's income at all.  But that is what people would assume I am, and my husband calls me this and says we're a single income family now, to annoy me.  Somehow feel like a man in my position would not be judged the same.  Any other women in similar position?

I call you FIREd but what do I know: I was identified as male at birth and never bothered to argue.

To your other: Dude—Hard to buy the line that you’re concerned about her staying at home because of her ability to serve as a role model for the kids. I mean given the BigLaw salary and all. Maybe it’s just me.

I really hope you can get everybody in you life to chill and stop dumping expectations on you. Maybe tell them they sound like old farts from the 50s?

Anyway—welcome. The ladies will be here shortly.

[Loren Ver]

First off, congratulations!  You have made it to a place that very few people actually get to and that should be acknowledged!  You worked really hard to do it,  BigLaw has a reputation for a reason, way to make it 14 years!

Next, I'm sorry things aren't more happy ending for you.  You have it extra rough too, but also, there will always be people that will not agree with how you want to do things or agree with how you define things, and want you to conform with how they are determining it.  What you have to decide is who in your life has permission to do this for you and for what purposes. 

My dad retired when I was in grade school, he was a great role model, he was 40 years old.  I retired when I was 36, so keeping the family tradition alive!  Paid work is just paid work, not the only work, and not the only or best thing to teach your kids.  My dad taught me that after retirement, then you get to work where they really need you (volunteer) and that's what I do now.

I would also reiterate what @swashbucklinstache stated, you are a landlord, that is a job.  Now you said you don't tell people that, and that is a choice, but that is also a job, so, you aren't just a mom or whatever.  My husband and I are both retired and we call each other stay at home spouses because we think it is funny.  We don't really care what people outside the "us" bubble think. 

Not having your husband on your team sounds hard though.  Not necessarily the FIRE team, but just the, I Have Your Back team.  You are team, Raise the Kids and Make Life Function.  I would really work on figuring out how to make that team work.  Money isn't the issue in your family, or doesn't seem to be, so your team should be working towards what makes the team healthy and improves longevity.  Fighting burnout and work stress seems like a good goal.  Making life plans seems like another. 

There are other solo FIREd females around, hopefully they will post.

Loren

[Louise]

5) Relatedly, where my FIREd ladies at?  It does not feel fair to call me a SAHM, because I've already had an entire career and I do not rely on my husband's income at all.  But that is what people would assume I am, and my husband calls me this and says we're a single income family now, to annoy me.  Somehow feel like a man in my position would not be judged the same.  Any other women in similar position?

Not necessarily looking for advice on anything in particular, but maybe looking for community.

I have my own Lean FIRE money and I left my job at the same age you are now. That was 13 years ago! I just say I'm a SAHM if anyone asks, but people don't really ask. My husband still works, likes his job and has no immediate plans to retire. I don't think staying home sets a bad example for my daughter though. She knows I had a career and that I'm home because we saved our money and we had the choice. Besides, personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with staying home and raising kids and taking care of the house. Why did we save all that money anyway if we can't do what we want. That said, my husband has always been totally on board with being a single income family, so that's helpful.

[Freedomin5]

Somehow, I find it hard to believe that you’ll ever be the kind of person to sit at home twiddling your thumbs being a bad example for your children. I mean, if you’re like the typical smart, super-achieving Asian girl (which it sounds like you are, given your BigLaw career and current financial portfolio), you’ll have other interests to pursue in FIRE.

I’m Asian, female, and I’m working through something similar with my mom right now. She’s been telling me that I’m wasting my degree (doctor) if I FIRE. I don’t want to keep working full-time. I don’t know if it will work with your parents, but sometimes saying that you want to work a job with better hours (ie. Part-time) so that you can dedicate more time to raising your children is an acceptable reason to cut back. Then parents can tell their friends how proud they are that you put your children first and sacrifice for them. It’s just about how you spin in.

For me, I tell my mom that FIRE allows me to be work optional, so that I can use my skills to serve those who can’t afford my services. Also, I was just diagnosed with cancer and my health is the most important. Those two reasons work for my parents and make it okay for me to not keep striving to be at the top of my field.

With regard to your husband, he’s going to have to shift his mindset. Why does he feel being a SAHM is setting a bad example? Does he think you’re going to sit in front of the tv eating chips all day? Why does he think busting your butt and amassing your own self-supporting nest egg at an early age so that you can explore your other passions now to be a bad example? What are his assumptions?

[Fru-Gal]

Uh, they let you go 2 months after maternity leave for requesting family accommodation? Sounds like a lawsuit to me.

[Dee]

Hi FireOnTheMuffin, I'm a late-40s woman still working towards FIRE - not there yet! But I know there are many FIRED women on the forum so you won't be alone in that regard.

I wish your parents and your partner were being more kind and gentle towards you, and being proud of your accomplishments. What you've done is amazing!

And now you can be a role-model for your children by being so much more present in their lives than if you were working crazy hours. 

I also hope you do find a sense of community here, especially among some of the FIREd women.

[FireOnTheMuffin]

You won capitalism and are risking death for no marginal gain.

Lol, that is a real head-turning way of putting it!  Thank you and you’re so right.  My health problems are permanent and won’t go away even though I’ve stopped work, though reduced stress should help.  On my list is to start exercising regularly for the first time in my life…  My husband has always encouraged me to, so he might get off my case if I actually show myself to be using my new time to improve health.  To my credit though, I didn’t get tired just changing batteries.  It was the whole garage door opener!  But yes I guess I’m burned out.  I’ve said I want a year after the kid starts daycare to just find my way, get organized in the house, and on top of life stuff, before starting something new. 

@Ron Scott, eh it’s really not my missing income… in recent years he out earned me at times.  He wants the girls to know the importance of hard work.  I agree, but think I’ll have to find another way to teach them that… But yes, I would be so much happier if everyone wasn’t loading me up with expectations!  For myself, I’m very happy!

@Loren Ver, I will def. figure out some volunteering down the line, and will get my kids to go along too.  As for landlording as a job, maybe I should say property management.  I think saying landlord is my job will get a lot of eyerolls!

@Louise, how old were your kids when you stopped working?  Mine are still really young and won’t remember when I worked by the time they’re a bit older.  I do worry they won’t understand.

@Freedomin5, hello fellow over-achieving young asian professional woman!  You’re right, I’m not the type to just sit around watching TV, so I’ll find something to do.  It just might take me a while.  You’re on to something with the part-time work explanation, though.  I’m considering finding some super part time consulting work to just say I’m using my license.  My parents aren’t savvy enough to know anything beyond that.  I have a really hard time lying to them when asked specific questions though…. I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis and wish you all the luck in kicking cancer to the curb.  You should absolutely take time off to take care of yourself as much as necessary. 

@Fru-Gal, yes it was kinda sketchy, but I knew they might fire me when I asked.  Given that I don’t actually want to work anymore, I didn’t pursue anything.  In case I ever want to try working hard again, I also wanted to leave on good terms.

Thank you @Dee and everyone for the supportive words!  It’s going to take me some time to get through this stage…


 

[Fresh Bread]

@sui generis was in law and has retired and does just a few hours a week, they may have tips?

Sounds like you need some time to chill. Hopefully your husband can see that. Maybe he just needs a limit, like, you need a year to catch your breath and get a handle on life. Then you'll reassess. Managing rental properties and two kids sounds like enough work. Throw in one day of volunteering in some pro-bono legal capacity and just tell people you work at X. I have my volunteer role as my linked in status and people are none the wiser, if they cared in the first place.

[mistymoney]

you took all the 529 money from your nephew? I'm not understanding this?

[FireOnTheMuffin]

@Fresh Bread, maybe I can find a volunteer law-adjacent role.  Volunteering pro bono without the backing of a firm probably still means I'd have to get my own malpractice insurance, which I kind of want to avoid.

@mistymoney, Yes, though it may seem heartless?  Those funds were just kind of stashed there in anticipation of my one day having a kid.  Not really for my nephew, but changing beneficiaries between first cousins has no tax consequences.  The whole changing beneficiaries without tax consequences thing seemed like something that could get overhauled, and I was hedging against that.  For example, in theory you can dump unlimited amounts into a 529 for yourself, and then transfer them all to your child?  Whereas normally, the amounts contributed to a child are limited to the gift exclusion amount on an annual basis.  I figured between cousins seemed less likely to be overhauled than between parent and child.  So far, no change in law on this though.

[startingout]

I'm in almost the exact same position! Except with much fewer FIRE assets. :) Asian female, mid-30s, 2 young kids, recently laid off, own a rental property, Asian parents want me to get back to work (they are still working by choice in their late 60s), husband wants me to work again too (so I could be an equal contributor in every way), and I'm feeling so tired. My friends are baffled why I don't want to work, because I don't seem like the type who would enjoy being a SAHM. I've mentioned I have savings, but I was met with blank stares.

[eyesonthehorizon]

1. Decompression takes months even when you’re childfree with no rental maintenance duties & no daycare germs, from experience. I am only months in, but something I wish I had known is it is also increasingly frustrating as you begin to recover, because you stop being so tired that you can only think as far as what you can currently do. I would agree with suggestions above for getting therapy while you work through the burnout & the big changes to your life & family situation. It has helped me though I left my career semi-voluntarily with no family friction.

2. Could this be framed with them as time to work on your rental investments? To take care of the kids? Both?

3. This is a bigger issue, to me. You “bought” this time, you describe yourself as FIREd which implies it is fully paid for. You don’t detail taxable investment income/ cash flow but have a rental property which presumably provides some, plus your finances are separate, so I don't see his grounds for complaint. Is he significantly behind you on savings in a way that he feels he could not potentially join you in some time away from work if he felt similarly depleted? Is it only that he feels trapped by the status validation, & is crabby you are taking something he won't allow himself? Did he see your high achievements as an extension of his own value? I hope he has not forgotten that in addition to your health-hazard career & real estate ventures you gave birth.


4. I never earned anything like you did/ have much less distance from zero net worth, & also therefore from most of my real-life circle, but this still resonates for me because they still live in a completely different reality than I do when it comes to what they have vs. what they need (or feel they need, said with disagreement but no moral judgement.) I have kept my conversations with friends IRL on the spending & lifestyle side, where mine fairly closely resembles that of the people I am close to. (I actually spend much less than all or nearly all of them.) There is a lot I can't share with them, victories & worries both. Many don't know I am not employed right now. Depending on your relationship with your tenants, maybe you can say you were doing the same work for a friend as a paid handyman without it being a lie, in situations like when working on the garage opener. I like “property management”
 as a descriptor because your income from it is apparently not passive.

5. Hi! Not sure if this is the big RE for me or if I am taking a break while FI, but I hated my job most days & hope never to work again just for money, though I have very lean spending & stashed mostly accordingly. We have entirely separate finances as former DINKs. I set the expectation many years ago that if I quit work it was not doing it to be his housewife on my own dime, but to retire. I also set my foot down that we would not promote an image of him supporting me - my pride aside, our culture of origin encourages disrespect of people who receive support from others & I am no one's dependent. We are not married. I don't think he took my ambitions seriously until he became even more eager to see me leave the toxic job than even I was (he is less sensitive to financial risks, but expects better life balance than I was raised to.) I was the breadwinner with very long hours before, so we have a much more equal division of household labor than many male-female couples do. It’s still too soon to know if that equilibrium will hold or change, because of #1, but he has been very supportive of my resting so far, even on days when I have to sleep in as he gets up for work. My career bought us opportunities we would not have had otherwise but at a high cost to my health, which I think he started to really see in the last few years. Now my full time job is recovery.

You on the other hand are a mom twice over & a business owner who formerly worked in BigLaw. Your worked hours sound more than fulltime even with daycare.

The fact that your husband is teasing you about being let go at work is not okay. I hope he is not doing that in front of others. Again: you worked hard for & bought your freedom. It sounds like he is pushing his insecurities onto you. He may also benefit from outside resources to talk through that, which could help him see the need to talk with you about it more kindly.



@mistymoney - you aren't allowed to save in the name of someone not born yet, so many families do this in order to help each other start saving for children they know they plan to have. 529 balances can be transferred between relatives. Whether there was an expectation for the nephew to actually receive the funds is not a given.

[Fru-Gal]

Dang the crazy thing is 2 young kids is SO MUCH WORK. So much. So so much.

Now that I am FIRE and my kids are leaving the nest the freedom is indescribable, it’s enormous.

[Dreamer40]

I’m a female who FIREd at 40 from a law career. But I was in government so my stash is not nearly so big. My partner is incredibly supportive and I don’t have kids so our situations aren’t identical. But I relate to the struggle to find my role in society. People don’t really get it. Sometimes my in-laws say things that suggest that they think I’m a mooch, but at least give me credit for keeping the house clean. My partner will immediately remind them every time that I’ve already made my financial contribution to the family and he is still catching up to match what I’ve earned and saved. But it just doesn’t make sense to people. I think a good immediate goal is to work on getting your partner on board with accepting your choice and valuing you regardless of career. Work on getting him to view your partnership as a team and back you up. That will make all the other stuff easier to deal with and figure out.

[Mariposa]

Asian female here, late 40s, 1 elementary school-age kid. I've mostly stepped back from my career in medicine, and we're <50% of the way to FI. My husband likes that I don't work, honestly. I manage our finances, do our taxes, take our kid to medical and dental appointments, and pick him up from school at 2:30; I'm available to be at home with him when he's sick, during school breaks, and during the summer when he's not at camp. With a young child, things are so, so much easier with one non-working spouse who can be available to take care of everything.

With my parents, I'm pretty vague about the (minimal) shifts I'm working. The tension with them is mostly over what they view as the overly permissive way I parent our neurodivergent child. I know my kid, and it's laughable that he would do accelerated math, classical piano, chess etc. He has very strong ideas of his own. There is some disturbing ableism to my parents' thinking, but I'm not going to change them.

I hear you on the daycare viruses. My child goes to public school with 1000 other kids, and I'm on day #12 now of a really bad cold. I think the repeated viral insults just keep me from getting better. Things would be so much worse if I were working. I wouldn't be able to take this many days off, and I would probably be taking Tylenol and ibuprofen to get through my days.

[Anon-E-Mouze]

Regarding your fatigue, if you haven't already done so, I encourage you to get a full check-up and ask the doctor to check for things like thyroid hormone levels and vitamin deficiencies that can contribute to fatigue (e.g. B12, D etc). I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Syndrome when I was about 48 (it's an autoimmune condition that can result in low thyroid hormone levels). I had been struggling with fatigue for a while and, once I finally persuaded a doctor to prescribe thyroid medication, I noticed a significant improvement in my energy levels.

[FireOnTheMuffin]

@startingout, we should commiserate and bounce ideas off each other...

@eyesonthehorizon, my parents are aware I developed health problems from the stress of work.  So, overall, my mom (who has her own health problems and realizes that working until death, as my dad wants to do, might not be the right approach) kind of understands stepping back and wanting to rest.  I am hoping that I can figure something out by the time my dad decides to speak to me again... The thing is, he also did rental property stuff and worked all my life.  My mom worked too, though not the same level when my older bro and sis were young.  When I came along they got a nanny.  My family frames it as different because I'm an educated professional and can afford a nanny, and should just get one in order to keep working.  Whereas, my mom wasn't educated, so it was reasonable for her to take care of kids instead of working.  Suffice to say, I don't agree...  Husband is not open to counseling etc. and has said he knows how I see it, but that he just doesn't see the same way, and we just have to agree to disagree about it for now.  I think it is just going to take time to work through, and I have to start doing things that are visibly good for me/us that I wasn't doing while working, so that he can get on board.

@Fru-Gal, no kidding!  I can't wait...  Not that I hate my kids, but I am definitely not as motherly as they make it sound like a woman should be...

@Dreamer40, thank goodness my in-laws are supportive.  They're the best.  I would be SO irked if people thought of me as mooching.

@Mariposa, yeah I do all that stuff too!  Taxes, finances, paperwork, medical/dental arrangements, available when sick, home fixing, yard care, cleaning (though i'm not great at it yet feel like I am constantly cleaning).  He knows this... and on the one hand when pressed, he will acknowledge he'd hate doing all this and it would drive him nuts.  But most of the time, he thinks of a paid employment job as being more/harder.  It's a little bit of a struggle, though I think one that is pretty common between men and women...

@Anon-E-Mouze, hitting pretty close on the health problems my work stress triggered...

[Mariposa]

My husband had to do more of that stuff when I was working. We both work face-to-face jobs with no option for remote, so in the past, whenever our kid was sick, there would be tension over who would stay home with him. Now, my DH doesn't have to worry because I'm always available. DH still does a lot. He does the household laundry, as he always has. He's had to get dinner on the table the last 2 weeks because my energy levels have been so low. I don't care if it's frozen food or he orders.

Your husband might not agree, and he might not be open to counseling or further discussion, but I think that since you have the money, and it's your life and career, the decision is ultimately yours, even if your DH is unhappy about it. It would be his decision to talk further or go to counseling to be more at peace with it.

There are plenty of hyper people in my field. I have a colleague who works 2 jobs; his wife also works 2 jobs, and she makes nearly twice his salary in her particular field (child psych). I said to him, their combined income must be ~1M, why do they need so much money, why do they both continue to work like that? He thought about it for a minute, and he said the truth is, whenever he's at home for 2 days in a row, he starts to get bored and restless. His wife his apparently even more hyper, and her desk in their house is the "command center." They have a nanny for their one child. Neither of them do anything like grocery shopping or cooking; they order what they want to eat each week from a food service.

I told him I was getting tired at the end of our double (16h) shift, and he also told me I should get a medical workup. I get yearly labs and was found to be anemic a couple years ago, but that's been corrected. The thing is, I will never be THAT high energy.

I enjoy my downtime, and I have a number of ongoing unpaid projects. I think I'm setting an excellent example for my kid by living my life how I want.

[eyesonthehorizon]

Something that made me catch my breath earlier this year was a woman wonder how many generations had gone by since any of the women in her family were actually allowed to rest.

I hope you will be able to insist on some time for yourself, rather than plow directly into the fulltime supermom routine to prove it to someone who doesn't want to believe it. The comment you mentioned about how motherly mothers are expected to be - I would say the floor of a baseline parent is what we expect of MEN, not the misogynist, all you can do is never enough, BS, red-queen expectations heaped on women, which are now on top of their paid career (especially when all the major domo work - which used to be a paid position held by men, but which women are expected to do "naturally" & without compensation - is regarded as lowlier & less of a contribution to a family than paid employment.) Recognizing the bias is a necessary step, but rejecting it is a recurring, ongoing labor.

The parents are trickier. I never had to resolve my parents' expectations, which were high but not as demanding as my Huayi classmates'. I am glad your mother has shown some consideration for your wellbeing & I hope your father can come around, but that is his responsibility.

... Your husband might not agree, and he might not be open to counseling or further discussion, but I think that since you have the money, and it's your life and career, the decision is ultimately yours, even if your DH is unhappy about it. ...

^ ^ This. If the hangup of those around you is about achievement, well, you achieved so much, so fast, you front-loaded an entire career before you were even done bearing children. You were deserving before you ever proved yourself, but you have proved yourself - you've saved multiples over of what many people manage in decades of working, multiples of what many of us even here on these boards, full of high-achievers, ever manage. Atop it all you have devoted an enormous portion of that toward the education of your children, who sound very young & will have most of two decades for it to appreciate, a princely head start in life. Your victory is complete, unto itself. The spoils are yours to enjoy as you see fit.

[Taran Wanderer]

Male here, not a lady, but holy smack! You spent 14 years in big law AND had 2 kids AND amassed the portfolio you have? You can do whatever the heck you want!  Take a rest, consider your options, spend time with and love your kids!  When you’re ready to get back into things, you have tons of options. Do you want to be involved and make a contribution on a volunteer basis? Join a board. Any good organization would love your legal background. Find a small law firm where you can contribute part time if that’s your thing. One request, though, just don’t be the financially independent bossypants on the PTA…

[StarBright]

Hi!

Not Asian, smaller portfolio, and kids are elementary aged but some of the circumstances are similar.

I haven't pulled the plug on work yet though. Husband and parents all say they want me to be happier and healthier but are all pretty sure that I can find a way to do that while still working/being the primary caregiver for kids. My parents' hang up is definitely that I'm wasting my education by walking away (first gen college grad).

I started a consulting side hustle last month that will hopefully make everyone comfortable with me transitioning out of full time work sometime in the next year.

I have found that having a spouse who is not actually on board with early retirement to be one of the hardest parts of our marriage. 

There are a whole bunch of super cool ladies on this forum in the 35-60 range! Welcome to your new online friend group :)

[Louise]

@Louise, how old were your kids when you stopped working?  Mine are still really young and won’t remember when I worked by the time they’re a bit older.  I do worry they won’t understand.

She was three. She remembers going to daycare, but that's about it. Now that she's a teen, I'm sure she wishes I was out of the house more!

[Tasse]

Husband is not open to counseling etc. and has said he knows how I see it, but that he just doesn't see the same way, and we just have to agree to disagree about it for now.  I think it is just going to take time to work through, and I have to start doing things that are visibly good for me/us that I wasn't doing while working, so that he can get on board.

It's one thing to "agree to disagree" when you respect one another's positions and decisions. Yesterday I brought my husband a quote for pay-as-you-drive auto insurance, he explained why he thought it was too much work for minimal savings, and I told him I disagreed but I would respect his veto as I felt we needed to both be on board for it to work. We are keeping our previous insurance, no big deal.

That doesn't sound like what's happening here. Agreeing to disagree =/= bickering about this regularly. It doesn't sound like he understands and respects your position (claiming that FIREing sets a bad example for your children, devaluing the "life admin" work you do in the same breath as he acknowledges he would hate doing it). In my opinion, you deserve much better support from your husband, or at MINIMUM better listening.

My situation for your reference: I'm a woman, we are between 60%-80% of the way to FIRE depending on how you calculate, and my husband is likely to downshift soon while I keep working. Our goal is for neither of us to work full time by the time we have kids. My parents are hard workers who don't really understand this, but also mostly know when their opinion hasn't been asked for. And I have a bit of a passion for insisting that men fairly split housework with their female partners.

[The Beebsta]

@FireOnTheMuffin , you have done amazing things! Surviving 14 years in BigLaw is no easy feat! Amassing a fortune of $4.3m on your own is super impressive. Doing this while having 2 babies is incredible! Well done, you absolutely deserve a break.

I’m assuming you’re in the US as many forum members are, so apologies if I’m wrong on this front. I just want to say that how mothers are treated in the US is brutal. Having 6-8weeks off after giving birth and feeling grateful if you can swing 3 months off is quite frankly horrendous. You’ve barely recovered physically from the birth, let alone got any quality of sleep. Not to mention breastfeeding and the time that takes and the impact it has on your energy levels. I’m from australia and lived many years in the UK. In both countries employers are legally obligated to allow you 12 months of maternity leave. In Australia you can request an extension up to a total of 2 years, but to be fair I don’t know many who have done this. I’m sure many of the Nordic and Scandinavian countries have even better offerings.

I took 4.5 years off when I had my babies and didn’t feel the slightest bit of guilt or societal pressure to return to work. And that’s without being even close to financial independence of my own! Then I returned part time for about 7 years, again not feeling any pressure from friends, family or society about how I should work full time. I felt it was a great option as I could be there for my children, manage all the family needs, keep my career ticking over for when I was ready to gear up again. I also managed our finances and helped get us way ahead all while allowing my husband to focus on his career so he could rocket ahead in his career. Don’t underestimate just how much you are contributing to your family by being home and available to support everyone, especially as you are still providing substantial income. And, don’t let anyone make you feel like your contributions aren’t enough just because you don’t have a traditional paid job.

It sounds like your youngest is still a baby. Honestly, if I had a baby and my husband and parents were giving me a hard time about stopping work, I would be giving them a piece of my mind. You are setting a great example for your children. Make sure as they grow up, let them know that you worked super hard for many years to put yourself in the financial position where you were able to prioritise your health and wellbeing alongside theirs. And you continue to contribute financially to the family through your investments and rental properties, you are not supported financially by your husband. That’s a freaking awesome example to set for them - work hard, save early then you get to choose how to live your life.

I’ve noticed recently a lot of men describing themselves as FIREd when they have young children who they look after and their wife is working. In your case, you are self-supporting so you are FIREd yet no doubt people will define you as a SAHM. Ugh! Feel free to correct them, even with a simple “I saved enough money to continue contributing my share financially while the kids are young.”

Your husband sounds unsupportive. What’s the split of childcare and housework? “They” say women can have it all, but the reality is men are the ones who quite often have it all due to the woman doing it all - childcare, housework, household management and working.

Good luck and congratulations! I say enjoy the rewards of your hard work & ignore those that try to drag you down because you are breaking the moulds that they think you should fit!

[mspym]

@FireOnTheMuffin , you have done amazing things! Surviving 14 years in BigLaw is no easy feat! Amassing a fortune of $4.3m on your own is super impressive. Doing this while having 2 babies is incredible! Well done, you absolutely deserve a break.
...
It sounds like your youngest is still a baby. Honestly, if I had a baby and my husband and parents were giving me a hard time about stopping work, I would be giving them a piece of my mind.
...
Good luck and congratulations! I say enjoy the rewards of your hard work & ignore those that try to drag you down because you are breaking the moulds that they think you should fit!

All of this!

From a practical tactics approach, I suggest calling it a sabbatical. Make what you are doing its own defined thing, which tends to make it more concrete to others. I did this whenever I took a break between IT projects and it helped with shutting down some of the questions.

[FireOnTheMuffin]

@Mariposa, no I will never be that hyper.  If I had been, I'd have easily made partner at a law firm.  I just never wanted that.

@eyesonthehorizon, thank you!  And so true on the devoting so much to educating my kids... I feel like parenting style/expectations have gone up SO MUCH since I was a kid.  I had an old lady nanny when I was young, who I'm fairly certain never read to me and mainly just kept me alive and fed.  I went to pre-K just before 4 and was off to the races with a TV and older siblings while my parents worked.  In contrast, my mom came to live with my family for a few months last year and she watches me read AND sing to my child in 3 different languages, and play violin for them on-demand, WHILE in third trimester pregnancy.  Granted, she's having aging issues that might make it hard to introspect, but like, I can't imagine how she could see that and think it's not enough or that my parents' way was better.

@Taran Wanderer, no PTA for me.  I promise!

@StarBright, immigrant parents I'm guessing?  Mine are, though did get education, and the expectations are so much...  They also don't understand things beyond working for money, like service.  So, if I were volunteering, they would not think that was worthwhile.  Sigh...

@Tass, it's cool that your husband is also looking to stop work or slow down.  Hopefully that helps both of you agree on division of labor.  But, I do think that things change when you have kids.  Before we had kids, I think we both really thought things would be more equal.  Heck, even after having 1 kid, we thought 2nd kid things would be more equal.  Our plan was that once the 2nd baby came, I would care for her and husband would be primary caregiver to 1st kid.  IT HAS NOT WORKED OUT THAT WAY.  1st kid is super demanding of me still, and throws fits at daddy a lot.  We just didn't expect things to be this way, and it definitely contributed to me pulling back at work.

@The Beebsta, we should connect.  My husband is Australian and there's a chance we could move there one day.  As for the childcare/housework, he does a decent amount.  I do all the cleaning though.  He used to cook dinner almost every night, but since I've stopped work and the baby has made it to daycare, I cook a lot more.  Childcare... he does what they allow!  But that does include all baths and teeth brushing.  I do all shoving of food into mouths and the vast majority of reading/play/art.  We bicker a little about getting the kids lunch packed in the mornings, which he often ends up doing, but I feel I'm busy trying to feed them breakfast.  With 2 babies, it just feels like chaos rather than an organized decision on our roles...

@mspym, I like the "sabbatical" approach, and it fits as my husband is in academia.  I have a friend who did this actually, but she is single and didn't really have anyone putting expectations on her.  I do think it helped her explain to friends/strangers what she was doing.  She did actually use the time gainfully to determine a career/education pivot.  It is mainly my parents who I feel would not understand this though...

[Tasse]

@Tass, it's cool that your husband is also looking to stop work or slow down.  Hopefully that helps both of you agree on division of labor.  But, I do think that things change when you have kids.

So far we're doing fine at this. We have shifted between true 50/50 division, him doing more while taking breaks from work, and him doing less while doing end-of-life caregiving for a relative. Right now, he's bored with work but doesn't hate it, while I still love my job. I wouldn't be surprised if he becomes the only full-time stay at home parent once we start having kids, but we'll see how we feel when that happens.

[spartana]

OP I'm a woman who FIREd pretty young but I was single (divorced) without kids so didn't have to deal with a partners expectations. However people - friends, family, dates, random people, etc - had some pretty wild opinions about how I achieved FIRE, where I got my money from to pay my expenses since I didn't have a job (and what a lazy bum I must be for not working), and how I lived my life in general. So I did develop a pretty thick skin around it all and just ignored most comments and concerns about my FIRE life. I did find it easier to just say I was taking a long sabbatical so as not to have to deal with some pretty harsh comments.

That's probably what you'll have to do - learn to ignore or just lie lol. It doesn't seem to matter as people will always have their opinions. If you're married/partnered it's assumed you are a SAH homemaker and are being supported by a partners working income (and apparently sitting on a couch eating bon-bons and watching tv all day). If you have kids you're a SAHP being supported by a working partner. If your divorced you must have taken your ex for every penny they had and they are now living in a cardboard box under the overpass and dumpster diving for cat food while you live a life of luxury and ease. If you're single you must be a trust fund baby, a sugar baby, have a wealthy benefactor or parent supporting you, live off the government dole as a welfare Queen, or earn your money in some nefarious way (stripper, hooker, drug runner, hit person, etc). Your parents worry you don't have a spouses income as backup to your FIRE plans. Your friends wonder why you don't go back to work so you can afford a $500 purse and other luxury items and activities. Dates assume you are looking for someone to support you. Poor dates are looking for you to support them. It's crazy sometimes.

So yeah. Develop some thick skin. Ignore the nay sayers and  especially the parents because it's unlikely you'll convince them to see things your way. I lived in a very large Asian-American community for 20 plus years (I'm Caucasian) and the pressure to work and be highly successful placed on young adults is crazy. You're spouse is also unlikely to bend your way but he is really the only one who matters and is impacted by you not working or continuing to earn more. I don't really have suggestions for that but maybe telling him it's a temporary thing and how important it is to you to be able to be with your kids while they are young.

[Fru-Gal]

I FIRED with investments accumulated over a lifetime total of 15 years of corporate work (plus a similar amount of self-employment that was sufficient only for survival). Was the breadwinner and never had a nanny.

My point being, 15 years is a long time and also my point about children is that it’s a lot of work that no one should label easy. No matter if you’re giving them 24 hours a day of enrichment activities or just keeping them alive.

[spartana]

I FIRED with investments accumulated over a lifetime total of 15 years of corporate work (plus a similar amount of self-employment that was sufficient only for survival). Was the breadwinner and never had a nanny.

My point being, 15 years is a long time and also my point about children is that it’s a lot of work that no one should label easy. No matter if you’re giving them 24 hours a day of enrichment activities or just keeping them alive.

Yeah I also worked (but lower income Gov jobs) and invested for approx 20 years before I fully FIREd but damn if that didn't matter at all to many people. I MUST be doing SOMETHING to earn money if I was single and not working. When BF and I sold our respective homes during the Pandemic and starting living together, I was seen as a "kept" woman by other people and support by him. No I have my own money and we split everything 50/50. He FIREd during that time fortunately so by then we were just seen as 2 lazy beach bum slackers ;-).

[FireOnTheMuffin]

@spartana & @Fru-Gal, I hear you!!  @spartana, I do kind of wish my partner would FIRE with me, but he is a lot more ego/identity driven with his work.  I guess I should just get used to people having thoughts, as you’ve said.  None of my close friends (or even his friends!) think differently of me.  So it mainly comes down to my own parents, which is one that cuts deep I guess.  I’ve talked to my husband more about it and although it was something of an argument, he ended saying he would try to just think of it as me having a fallow period for now.  Because as an academic, every summer is a fallow period for him, and every day he is essentially his own boss.  He works as hard at it as he feels like.  I tried to explain to him that for me working in the corporate world is a completely different experience, and that for the last 14 years I have had zero fallow period.  Just a 14 year wall of people telling me to do things, emails arriving at any hour of any day…

[life_travel]

I worked hard in my corporate role for 15 years , burnout is very real, unfortunately I ignored the symptoms for years until I was physically stopped by my body ( bed ridden for months with neurological symptoms ) .

It took 3 years after leaving corporate and trying part time jobs , then this breakdown happened in year 3 when I thought I was cured! So took another year just being at home , at my worst unable to talk to anyone and move further from my bed to the toilet. Couldn't cook, lift my arms to wash my hair , etc. Scary stuff.

So PLEASE do take your time , tell family you are taking a 2 year sabbatical, it will buy you time, please look after your health.

I have 90% recovered after 2 years thank god but it's been almost 5 years since I left my full time corporate job so it took a lot longer than I ever anticipated.

[Fru-Gal]

Wow, that is terrible @life_travel but glad you are on the mend. Yes, modern society encourages us to compartmentalize and go all-out at work. Health is wealth.

[FireOnTheMuffin]

@life_travel, ugh that sounds awful.  I’m glad things are improving for you.  @Fru-Gal, it’s so hard not to go hard when you’re young, you’re feeling invincible, you have all the education.  When I got sick, I was in such shock and sadness that something bad had happened to me.  Like, suddenly I was a SICK person.  My illness is not even debilitating, but that I now had something I’d have to manage for life was not something I anticipated at all.  I was naive.

[2sk22]

...it as he feels like.  I tried to explain to him that for me working in the corporate world is a completely different experience, and that for the last 14 years I have had zero fallow period.  Just a 14 year wall of people telling me to do things, emails arriving at any hour of any day…

This is the crux of the matter - there is no longer any boundary between work and your private life. This was the main motivator for me to retire. I started working in the 1990s - back then, when I left for the day,I was done with work for the day. Progressively, this barrier has dissolved which is why everyone is feeling burnt out.

[StarBright]

  Because as an academic, every summer is a fallow period for him, and every day he is essentially his own boss.  He works as hard at it as he feels like.  I tried to explain to him that for me working in the corporate world is a completely different experience, and that for the last 14 years I have had zero fallow period.  Just a 14 year wall of people telling me to do things, emails arriving at any hour of any day…

Ooohhh - this is also part of our issue! My husband is doing his dream job, has summers and breaks, and just came off a sabbatical. He really doesn't understand how someone can get tired of their job.  Mine thinks I'm just not trying hard enough to figure out work/life balance. Academics are a special breed :)

Also, my parents aren't immigrants, but did work their way out of a culture that can be hard to break out of (think Hillbilly Elegy) so there are probably some similarities there.

Edited to add - I wonder, with you being Big Law vs your husband being an academic, if he has some unstated concerns about losing out on the extra comfort that a large second salary can add to a family. When my husband went from adjuncting to tenure track he was so excited about being a full-time two salary family after just making ends meet for a decade. Being a professor is a great job, but depending on where you live/what you teach it is generally a typical middle class salary and doesn't allow for much in the way of additional luxuries.

[eyesonthehorizon]

I hardly have anything to add but solidarity with the burned-out & the formerly-invincible. The up days are happening for a change but too few, too far between, & I can’t fit enough before I have to rest again. Then I’m mad because I can’t get anything done, when getting shit done used to be my identity….

[Shuchong]

@spartana & @Fru-Gal, I hear you!!  @spartana, I do kind of wish my partner would FIRE with me, but he is a lot more ego/identity driven with his work.  I guess I should just get used to people having thoughts, as you’ve said.  None of my close friends (or even his friends!) think differently of me.  So it mainly comes down to my own parents, which is one that cuts deep I guess.  I’ve talked to my husband more about it and although it was something of an argument, he ended saying he would try to just think of it as me having a fallow period for now.  Because as an academic, every summer is a fallow period for him, and every day he is essentially his own boss.  He works as hard at it as he feels like.  I tried to explain to him that for me working in the corporate world is a completely different experience, and that for the last 14 years I have had zero fallow period.  Just a 14 year wall of people telling me to do things, emails arriving at any hour of any day…

As someone who is in year 11 of biglaw, this is huge.  It's not just the work, it's the constant emergencies and possible emergencies and train wrecks that you can see coming combined with the ones that you can't but that you know are there (because client emergencies are predictable in the aggregate even though you don't know which one it will be or which holiday it will ruin).  Congrats on getting away from all that with your health and sanity mostly intact! 

Frankly, if I had your net worth, I would do the exact same thing you are: stop, breathe, take stock. 

(As for me, I'm also 39F, but a bit different in life situation.  I was diagnosed with a weird chronic illness a few years ago, and my firm was actually very understanding and is allowing me to work part-time now; but also I am at half your net worth.  I'm single, no kids, but I do worry what my parents -- who value grit and hard work -- would think if I stopped working and using the expensive law degree that they helped me pay for.  My current pipe dream is to transition in 2026 to something like what you asked your firm for: pitching in when they need people, but being free to sleep in when they don't.) 

[FireOnTheMuffin]

@2sk22, yes there are so many articles about burnout from the always on e-mail work culture these days.

@StarBright, sounds like we have very similar spousal dynamic.  On the second salary question though, it’s not that.  He has outearned me at times, and is in a field with lucrative consulting opportunities which he sometimes takes.  They’ll hire him for something like 1 day/week and paying literally his entire academic salary again for just the 1 day.  He is so lucky!  But he’s also very skilled.  I couldn’t have gotten where he is.

@eyesonthehorizon, I totally feel that way at times.  Since getting sick, and when I have relapses, there are just months when I don’t have energy to do much on my list.  And I’ve had enough relapses and other issues that I just have to accept that my ability to get things done is overall like half what it might have been if I were healthy.

@Shuchong, so similar!  PMd you.

[FireOnTheMuffin]

Lol, in amusing news, the person they hired to replace me and whom I was expected to train before leaving just gave notice…

[LegalFI]

Different gender and ethnicity, but I'm a FIRE'd lawyer married to an academic with a kid in elementary school. Here are a few thoughts:

1. Identity issues. Regardless of your ethnicity or gender, it's hard to go from being a high achieving professional to being unemployed in the US. People routinely ask "what do you do?" and they don't know how to react to a response from someone like us. When asked what I do, I typically give too much explanation about my past so people will understand how successful I was. They still rarely get it. When I say I'm a retired lawyer (with less background explanation), they sometimes act like I told a joke and ask what I do for a living. I believe people like us worked hard to excel in school and achieve professionally, in part, because we enjoy the validation. It's hard to go from consistently getting that validation to getting almost none of it. I now try to excel in my hobbies, but it's unlikely I'll ever be as successful at those as I was in the law. Am I still the hardworking, high achiever I used to be? At some level, yes, but it feels uncomfortable that others can't recognize it. I should move beyond the need for external validation, but that's hard to do without becoming antisocial.

2. Family and partner issues. Largely, I don't have these. My partner wanted me to leave my practice when I was unhappy. My partner fully appreciated the reasons I was unhappy. We have a better life together as a result. I thought there might be some implicit judgment that I couldn't cut it, but it's not there. That helps. But my partner enjoys being an academic and would never leave that path to FIRE. We went from having a lot in common professionally to having almost nothing in common on that front. That's still somewhat hard. I make life a bit easier for my partner now than I did when working, but it still feels odd. My broader family doesn't value accumulating money or status for its own sake, but they still sometimes have a hard time explaining to their friends what I do. There's no culturally recognized category for me. Even my elementary school child seemed surprised when I told my him I was not looking for a job. I explained that I don't need to work for money because I saved and invested my money while I worked. We talked about that for a while. Who knows if he understood, but it's not something he seems perturbed about on an ongoing basis.

3. Money issues. I have a much smaller portfolio than you, but I have enough, especially since my partner still works. It's a skill to go from saving and investing money to spending from your portfolio. You don't flag this issue, but consider if you could make your life better through spending. It sounds like you have enough money that you don't need to be DIY'ing repairs on rental houses and your own property. When you're tired, why are you doing that? 

[FireOnTheMuffin]

@LegalFI, Hi to another graduate from legal work. 

1) I actually don't feel this identity thing that strongly yet myself.  I was always hard working from a young age, but as my health problems increased in my 30s and then I had kids, the hard-working at job/career feeling really went downhill.  So, identity-wise, I don't think I've been having a ton of that validation in my recent career, so I'm not really expecting it so much externally now.  My husband, on the other hand, feels it strongly for himself, and I think it might be a male thing for identity to be very strongly tied to career validation.  On the one hand, he gripes when he receives work e-mails, but on the other hand if he left work and truly stopped receiving such e-mails, he would begin to feel that nobody cared about him (aside from family).  I'm not like that, but I do think I may feel awkward when I meet new people/parents of kids friends and have to explain myself now.  I guess I may just fall back on, I'm a SAHM, even if that doesn't acknowledge my past professional accomplishments.

2)  "We went from having a lot in common professionally to having almost nothing in common on that front."  This is part of it for sure, for us.  It's a main reason I may consider trying to come up with some kind of second career over time, to at least have something "workish" to relate about.  Though I feel like that might be a bad reason... I'm not sure.  I guess if I go this route, I hope it can be something that I truly enjoy.

3)  This is a big issue for me and my family background... My dad taught me to be handy and to always do things on our own to save money.  I was raised taking care of rentals, and I'd say the DIY/Mustachian attitude must be part of how my portfolio grew so large.  But at some point, perhaps that should change.  My parents are now well into their 70s and still working too hard, physically hard, for no reason.  They never learned how to delegate, step back, and spend some of their money to ease life.  I should probably learn that... It feels like there must be a balance to this...?  I no longer have a job, shouldn't I do some things with my time?

[Taran Wanderer]

I though I read around the forum somewhere about a response to the “What do you do?” question once FIREed.  Possible answers are:

Oh, I’m in private equity?  (If pressed, the answer is “My own”)

Oh, I’m in the investment field.  (If pressed, “None of the big chains, I’m an independent. No, sorry I’m not taking on additional clients right now.”)

I’m sure there are other good examples. And hey, they’re actually true

[catccc]

Why does it seem like SAHM is a judgement to you?  You’re a mom and you don’t have work outside of your family responsibilities.  There is nothing wrong with that.  I actually think it is the perfect cover for low profile FIRE.   

What do you do?  I do whatever the hell I want.

Asian female finance professional here.  Also spent a year as a SAHM.  My husband spent the next handful of years as a SAHM.  Our kids are 12 and 15 now, so if I don’t stop working soon, the SAHM cover won’t be available anymore…. I’m coming up on my 20th year of working.  DH makes a fraction of what I do, and our NW is only about half of yours.  So well done to you both.  Prioritize your family and your parents or whatever is important to you. My job has never really been important to me, it’s more a means to an end.  And I’m okay with that.  If your work means more to you, there’s no reason you can’t go back at some point.  Enjoy the freedom to choose!

[eyesonthehorizon]

Why does it seem like SAHM is a judgement to you?  You’re a mom and you don’t have work outside of your family responsibilities.  There is nothing wrong with that.  I actually think it is the perfect cover for low profile FIRE.   ...

It is good cover, IF you either inhabit a social circle that doesn't look on care work as "less-than" (which is extremely common) or you do not care or potentially need to care when they do.

Being able to dismiss the status others attribute you is a function of privilege, which just having a massive portfolio can't assure - it is conditional to too many other things. She may not need that status anymore, but it makes it a lot harder to break back into status-obsessed workplaces later (if that's what she chooses to do) to let it go, & her connections continue to be adjacent to that status-obsessed society. I see the social-professional peril there, doubly so when the husband doesn't seem to have her back & has implied his respect or support are contingent on her fitting one or another role prescription to his standards (I am still mad from reading about that the first time & have been metaphorically sitting on my fingers rather than type out how I really feel, which would involve imperative expletives.)

The fact that her husband teases about it makes it clear that her social milieu does denigrate fulltime mothers, or it wouldn't be a tease. It's analogous to people persistently styling you Mrs., thus implying your social status & worth are derived from the man you married, reducible to your gender's function as his reproductive attaché, when your proper title is Dr.; the fact that it is a colossal mistake to undervalue traditional women's work does not diminish the potential social & professional toxicity of having done all that work, on the stratospheric, Ivy-prep level of giving trilingual education & music lessons, herself, ON TOP OF the high-powered professional career men would be permanently socially elevated by, plus a side hustle, to be taken down - on the basis of gender alone & in greater irony as the consequence of doing double the work - as someone's "little wife."

Moreover, she does have an additional job (which she maintained during biglaw & enormous personal investment of time parenting) in managing rental property, so even now she is still working for income.

OP: Your own values, health, & considered personal judgements are being set into conflict with very unhealthy social expectations, which have a lot of weight even in your own home. Therapy may help at least offer a sounding board which puts you first in a way you aren't getting elsewhere. I cannot stress enough you have achieved by every metric to a level beyond most even dream of. People deserve to be able to be healthy & happy. Especially in light how you have already looked after literally everyone else first, your turn is overdue: you are entitled to take time to figure out what you need to be as healthy & fulfilled as you can.

[catccc]

Yes.  Lots of good points.  I never really thought of the ability to dismiss the status others attribute you as a function of privilege, but hey, nearly everything is a function of privilege if you really stop to consider it, so I can see that.  I have to admit I didn't read all the replies, so I missed the part where her husband was teasing her about it.  That's not supportive, so that stinks!

[FrugalShrew]

When talking to others about what you do now, could you make a joke out of it?  "I'm a recovering attorney."

It's true but also fairly light-hearted, and can be an easy segue into talking about some fun project you are working on. Or for people who would rather chat about work stuff, it lets them know you are conversant in that world as well.

Some may even ask you enviously how you achieved your freedom. :)

[Ron Scott]

I though I read around the forum somewhere about a response to the “What do you do?” question once FIREed.  Possible answers are:

Oh, I’m in private equity?  (If pressed, the answer is “My own”)

Oh, I’m in the investment field.  (If pressed, “None of the big chains, I’m an independent. No, sorry I’m not taking on additional clients right now.”)

I’m sure there are other good examples. And hey, they’re actually true

People are naturally curious about life after working. I have a tendency to answer this question with specifics LOL. I’ll talk about reading, and biking much more than I used to, or walks with my wife, more time with friends, and even boredom. I joke that I really wish I liked to travel. I also say I don’t find being retired necessarily better or more rewarding than work, just different…and easier. I say I was ready for a new stage in life and i like it.

Sometimes I’ll ask if they have thought about retirement for themselves. But I always make sure I have the time and interest to listen to their answers before I do. It’s a very personal topic…