Thanks everyone for replying and sorry for not responding earlier – the replies built up and I never got round to replying individually. Here are my thoughts on what people have said: Overall – my question was more about how people Post-FIRED (or close to) have dealt with feelings of being disconnected (if at all).
I just don’t talk about leaving work by a certain point, because I have no idea what will happen in the future. Even the best plans are just guidelines, and 13 years is a loooong time and the chances are much higher that your life will drastically change in that time than that it will stay on exactly the course you’ve planned on.
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My point is that leaving work isn’t a given of reaching FI anyway, so why focus on it? Focus on this being about living your best life, and you will find people much more supportive.
Thanks. It's true that 13 years is a long way away, but I think it's okay to plan what you can. I was just curious how others dealt with it. I thought it might be a significant cause for OMY. Also I don't really mind what my parents think – I just thought they might have a good point which I need to consider.
Maybe it's time to decide how you want to live your life and then do just that -- and to hell with what the relatives say.
Or, you can cave to their pressure and then raise children who are just as unhappy with the same boundaries you'll subconsciously pass on to them...
Haha thanks – true. As above, I'm not too concerned with what my parents think – it just got me thinking about whether I'd feel lonely in FI.
Funny, it was my wife who gave me the most shit about retiring early when I first proposed it (she's since come around on the idea, though she still has reservations). Her parents, on the other hand, told me I was smart to do so, that I should live life and do fun things while still young. They were speaking from their own experience. Both worked until 65 (for Medicare) and traveled quite a bit afterwards -- for about 5 years anyway -- until health problems began to plague them after they turned 70. Man, I'm telling you it was like somebody flipped a fucking switch -- they've been homebodies ever since. They both say they wish they could have retired earlier. I'm working for only as long as I have to because I have a golden handcuff situation, i.e., an immediate pension for which I'm eligible a year from now. After that, I'm gone, and I don't give a rat's ass what ANYBODY thinks about it.
Yeah – I'm hoping once I leave I also don't give a rodent's bottom what people think.
Oh!
I forgot to add the most important point:
You are going to get judged by people for every single life decision you ever make, no matter what you choose to do. People judge, get used to it, it doesn’t matter.
Very true! You can never keep everyone happy – although this question is geared towards myself and my imaginary children. I just thought my parents had a point about maintaining a connection with society and how others see it.
I feel like 13 years is way too far away to worry about it. There's just too much that can happen in life between now and then that could make this a total non-issue. You could find a job and not want to FIRE. We could see another bad recession that turns your 13 years into 20. You could be dead by then. The list is infinite. Enjoy now and shelve this thought until it's a little closer to impacting your life.
True – I was just curious how others dealt with it. I wonder if it is the cause for OMY.
About the concern for your children - I don't think it's a valid concern. In FIRE you will have more time to spend with them, get involved with their activities and schools, and generally be a more involved parent. As for "supporting them with a potentially limited network" I'm not sure exactly what this means. For myself, raising my children and financially supporting them through university is important. Beyond that, they have to make their own way in the world, and I don't think they need their parent's networks to succeed.
For your other concern about losing respect and disconnecting from your peers when you drop out of your profession, I think it is a valid concern. But you have 13 years to prepare! there is lots of great advice on these forums on how to retire to something not just away from work.
Thanks that's helpful. I did find my parents helped me develop a broader frame of reference by introducing me to people they knew in their industries etc. I think I came out a little more well-balanced as a result. I would just have to make sure that my network in the future is across a decent segment of society if I wanted my kids to have that exposure.
Is it an option for you to play the stress-is-bad-for-your-health card?
Both DH and I are feeling the effects of stress on our body. DH has gotten heart issues and I have had cases of memory loss because of stress. These things were caused by a combination of work stress and private stress. But if we wouldn't have worked, it would have been so much easier to tackle. It think we both would have great health benefits from retiring.
I don't whether your job is bad for your health, but maybe you could overdo it a bit to convince your parents. At least, when the time comes.
My parents in law retired at 50, so they are not judging. And I think DH's brother will also fully understand it. But I haven't dared to tell my mother yet. She is in general very judgemental about anything I do. And my brother is a difficult case, as he has trouble keeping a fulltime job. I might be a bit embarrassing to tell him I could afford to quit. Although it has partly something to do with life choices.
Thanks – as above it's not so much what my parents think, it's more that I think their concern has merit.
Funny my parents are Chinese too. I think my mom gets very nervous whenever I mention "early retirement" during our dinner conversations. Recently, she sent me a story in Chinese about how miserable some successful Chinese engineers retired back to their hometown in the countryside. A guy moved to Beijing and made millions.. He took the money with him and moved back to his hometown in the countryside. They built a little garden inn Airbnb and started their life long dream of early retirement by building a small piece of paradise to enjoy a much slower life. A year later, he was bored out of his mind and moved back to Beijing. The main reason was because he couldn't identify himself with the new life. He lost a sense of purpose. My mom used this story to tell me that I may not finding the life with "nothing to do" is going to be "healthy" for me.
Plus, as a Chinese kid, I did inherit the tradition of taking care our elder parents. So she is probably also worried I would't be paying her mega million dollar mansion anymore. Whatever it is, "Early Retirement" becomes an unwelcoming topic. And I am trying to figure out a way to tell her, "Hey mom, you know if I don't have to pay for your lavish house, I could have retired by now."
The story your mum sent you is exactly what I'm talking about – the idea that one loses his identity once out of work. I can sort of see that happening if I retire to some countryside house in the middle of nowhere in New Zealand, with no projects / fun job / hobby in mind (which is definitely not going to be the case).
And yeah – taking care of parents is a huge burden. My parents are very wealthy but I still contribute a 'measly' 10% of my salary to them every month. I know other kids who give much more.
Before I FIREd I gave some thought to this too. Please keep in mind that the networks you make through work are not any better than those you make through other activities, for example Meetups. Work networks and friendships initially only have in common the fact that they share a common profession and proximity (same office etc). When you meet people through other activities there will be some you really like and some you won’t, just like with work.
Perhaps you are defining your identity based on what you do at work as opposed to what other interests you have. I have met people who work was so much of who they are, they had no other interests that they were caught in the world of work only and after retiring ended up returning to work. The problem with this is that it makes your world rather limited. If you could expand your identity you will be able to deal with different stages of life better. Be careful your fear of going against a particular culture (all cultures have limitations), or disappointing your parents and friends will limit your life choices and fulfillment. In the end, if your family and friends really care about you they will see your happiness in FIRE and realize there are many ways to live happy fulfilling lives. A “good and prosperous job” is not the only path to a happy life. Don’t shortchange your dreams to accommodate societal expectations.
Thanks this is really helpful – exactly what I was looking for in terms of perspective. I'm glad to hear from somebody that work networks 'aren't everything'. The problem is that companies, businesses and family will emphasise how significant these networks are… and then one day when you retire they'll hold a farewell party for you and then what? In my experience people just sort of forget about you.. unless you were actually friends with individuals in the business.
Isn't it absurd? We are 30, semi FIRE, and moved 2 hours away to get away from the demands of my in laws. They expected the same things from us and after we had our first child we communicated were done with dealing with my in laws mortgages (yes plural) they basically said okay "screw you, your no longer of use to me"
Long story short. We are so much happier! It was tough for my husband at first I think because of being a son/male but his stress level has gone down tremendously. He tells me sometimes he feels as if he wasted most of his life just trying to please others but I often remind him he's only 30 and that he realized this now rather than when he's 40, or 50, or any later.
Yes it's a cultural thing but it's no excuse living your life to please others. In our situation, It's a conditional love thing from the parents and it's not healthy. You have to make yourself happy before you can help others. Sorry, I sound like Iam preaching but just wanted to share our story. We moved away and are much happier, a lot less stressed. Instead of paying someone else's mortgage we are able to buy our own house and start a family. My husband works part time and I take care of the children full time. If we continued with our previous path we would both be working 2 jobs and putting the kids in daycare. There comes a time when you need to focus on yourself instead of trying to fit into someone's else's image of how you should be and what they would like you to do. I understand it's more difficult for an Asian son than it would an Asian daughter. I think there's more expected from a son to look after their parents. In our situation, their is nothing to look after. You own 2 properties worth over 4 million... I think your well taken care of. It will never be enough. Good luck to the original poster!
Funny my parents are Chinese too. I think my mom gets very nervous whenever I mention "early retirement" during our dinner conversations. Recently, she sent me a story in Chinese about how miserable some successful Chinese engineers retired back to their hometown in the countryside. A guy moved to Beijing and made millions.. He took the money with him and moved back to his hometown in the countryside. They built a little garden inn Airbnb and started their life long dream of early retirement by building a small piece of paradise to enjoy a much slower life. A year later, he was bored out of his mind and moved back to Beijing. The main reason was because he couldn't identify himself with the new life. He lost a sense of purpose. My mom used this story to tell me that I may not finding the life with "nothing to do" is going to be "healthy" for me.
Plus, as a Chinese kid, I did inherit the tradition of taking care our elder parents. So she is probably also worried I would't be paying her mega million dollar mansion anymore. Whatever it is, "Early Retirement" becomes an unwelcoming topic. And I am trying to figure out a way to tell her, "Hey mom, you know if I don't have to pay for your lavish house, I could have retired by now."
Thanks – as above it's not so much about my own parents (they will always be the way they are), but more that I was wondering if people Post-FIRE had issues of loneliness and disconnection from society.
Quit talking about it already. It's 13 years away. It's like a new employee showing up to work on his first day and saying "I'm gonna own this place in 15 years". So many things can happen and either move the date forward or backward by then. When you are 100% sure of the exact date you are leaving the workforce, then let everyone else in on it. Until then nobody, besides us on this forum, cares to hear about it.
Cheers – agreed, but my parents are willing to listen. I just thought their perspective potentially had merit.