Author Topic: What would you tell your girlfriend when she tries to tell you how to spend your  (Read 1689 times)

vatacvalves

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 6
  • Age: 28
I'm not going to lie, my family is pretty well off. But I still work to earn my own money to take my girlfriend out. I hate the fact though that she gets mad whenever I buy something for myself that I want. For example shoes or things for my car. I mean does she complain whenever I buy her something? no. But whenever I buy something for myself she gets mad and calls me spoiled. I don't understand. She doesn't ask me to buy her things, which is a good thing because then I would know that shes using me. How do I tell her to stop complaining?

moof

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 368
  • Location: Beaver Town Orygun
Break up.

former player

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2532
  • Location: Avalon
You could possibly ask her why it bothers her?

There is something behind it, so find out what it is, and you both will understand each other better.  (I believe it's called conversation?)
Be frugal and industrious, and you will be free (Ben Franklin)

steveo

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1470
You could possibly ask her why it bothers her?

There is something behind it, so find out what it is, and you both will understand each other better.  (I believe it's called conversation?)

This thing called conversation can work out really poorly in relationships.

wordnerd

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 494
  • Location: Atlanta, GA
It looks like you're 28, and your family covers your expenses and you cover your spending money? Maybe she's resentful if she doesn't have such a cushy set-up. Not that she should be resentful, but it I could see how those feelings could develop.

Talking about it is the best thing to do. Be non-confrontational. You could say something like "I've noticed when I [buy things for myself], you say [X]. It makes me feel [Y], so I want to understand what you mean."

Earn $14-22/hr teaching English from home: https://t.vipkid.com.cn/?refereeId=6482114

AlanStache

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1616
  • Age: 38
  • Location: South East Virginia
yes, you will have to talk to her about it.
Be the person Mr. Rogers knows you can be.

MM_MG

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 127
Bye, Felicia.

FrugalToque

  • Global Moderator
  • Bristles
  • *****
  • Posts: 282
  • Location: Canada
I'm not going to lie, my family is pretty well off. But I still work to earn my own money to take my girlfriend out. I hate the fact though that she gets mad whenever I buy something for myself that I want. For example shoes or things for my car. I mean does she complain whenever I buy her something? no. But whenever I buy something for myself she gets mad and calls me spoiled. I don't understand. She doesn't ask me to buy her things, which is a good thing because then I would know that shes using me. How do I tell her to stop complaining?

You'll have to explain, first of all, what this was doing in POST FIRE.  Are you retired yourself, or just well provided-for by your family?

The two obvious extreme possibilities:
1) You are beholden to your family, attached by the purse strings, and this somehow conflicts with your girlfriend's plans for your relationship.  She's basically saying, "Save your money so your terrible family members can't control you."
2) Your girlfriend is trying to control you.  Highly critical behaviour regarding your personal decisions (you aren't married, so how does this affect her?) is a bad sign in a relationship.

The truth?  Probably somewhere in between those extremes.  Like everyone else here, I recommend biting the bullet and asking her why she feels the need or thinks she has the right to criticize your spending habits.

Toque.

J Boogie

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 482
I'm guessing if you had a good job, you'd probably be living independently.  Or maybe not - you could be from a culture where it is normal to live with your parents until marriage.

Maybe her anger/frustration is less directed towards your purchases, and more directed towards your complacency in your situation that they point to. Maybe that's why she calls you spoiled. 

I knew a guy around your age who was a waiter and he financed or leased a brand new benz.  He lived at home of course.  And the benz purchase all but guaranteed he continue to do so happily for many years to come.  Granted, this is an extreme example, but it's possible this is what is on your girlfriend's mind.

BTW, the reason she doesn't get mad when you give her gifts is because you're giving her gifts.

To sum it up, don't tell her to stop complaining.  Think about how you feel about her, if you see a future with her, and if you do, make a plan to become independent and get started on it.  Your plan shouldn't involve much personal spending.  If you don't see a future with her, you two should break up.

2Cent

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 408
Maybe she thinks the same thing when you give a gift, but feels its rude to be negative about something that is a nice gesture. Maybe try giving a few really cheap gifts for her and yourself and brag about how cheap you got them. Something like back row standing places to a concert or second hand matching watches. If she is happy, that means she is looking for someone who is responsible with money. If she is not happy she may be mining you.

FrugalToque

  • Global Moderator
  • Bristles
  • *****
  • Posts: 282
  • Location: Canada
Maybe she thinks the same thing when you give a gift, but feels its rude to be negative about something that is a nice gesture. Maybe try giving a few really cheap gifts for her and yourself and brag about how cheap you got them. Something like back row standing places to a concert or second hand matching watches. If she is happy, that means she is looking for someone who is responsible with money. If she is not happy she may be mining you.
But be careful about doing this in place of communication.

Once you start playing "gotcha" in a relationship, things do downhill pretty quickly.

Toque.

Chesleygirl

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 387
If she really does get MAD when you spend money on yourself, you need to break up.

It's only going to get worse once you are married.

Good luck.

2Cent

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 408
Maybe she thinks the same thing when you give a gift, but feels its rude to be negative about something that is a nice gesture. Maybe try giving a few really cheap gifts for her and yourself and brag about how cheap you got them. Something like back row standing places to a concert or second hand matching watches. If she is happy, that means she is looking for someone who is responsible with money. If she is not happy she may be mining you.
But be careful about doing this in place of communication.

Once you start playing "gotcha" in a relationship, things do downhill pretty quickly.

Toque.
True. Testing implies lack of trust. If you see a future in her you should discuss these things and come to an understanding anyway.

a-scho

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 63
How much are you spending and on what? What is your living situation? Is your income enough to live like an independent adult? What exactly are you buying that she complains about? How long have you been dating? How do you feel about her(is she a serious contender)? Do you agree with her spending habits? Do you complain about her choices? All of these answers would have an impact on my advice. When I hear someone call someone else "spoiled" to me that means you are purchasing things that are luxuries and not necessities. Or you are purchasing luxuries too often. I know you are the one on this forum, but it sounds like she's more frugal/money conscious than you. she thinks you are a spendy pants consumer sucka.

But, generally, I would have a sit down and tell her it upsets you when she complains about your purchases. Ask her why it upsets her when you buy X, Y, Z. She might say she doesn't like that you buy X, Y, Z when she would rather see that money going towards A, B, C. Or maybe a little less Z and a little more C or whatever.

This could also be a wake up call that you two aren't really compatible. Like, you want a life that involves X, Y, Z and she wants a life with A, B, C.


« Last Edit: October 02, 2017, 08:03:33 PM by a-scho »