Author Topic: What do you say when your best friend is dying?  (Read 12622 times)

GuitarStv

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What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« on: February 14, 2016, 02:02:52 PM »
My best friend is 36, has two young daughters under the age of five, and a wife.  He's in good shape (regular soccer player, works out), doesn't smoke, doesn't drink much.  He was admitted to the hospital last week because he was feeling dizzy and weak.  There was a build up of liquid around his heart that caused cardiac arrest, so they stuck a shunt in him and drained the fluid, then did some tests.  Turns out it's inoperable stage 4 lung cancer.  It has metastasized and spread through most of his body other than the brain.  He has a 50% chance of living eight months, and it's an awful lot lower for five years.  No warning, just kinda showed up out of the blue.

I've been in close contact with him via phone, email, and visits . . .  And outwardly he has been acting like everything's fine.  I know that he's just putting on a brave face, and it's tearing him up inside.  I don't think he's really talking to anybody.  When we get together we just joke around like we always would, and avoid talking about the cancer.  I'm not sure if this is the best approach though, or if there's something I should try saying/bringing up.  I don't really have experience what to do in this sort of situation.

Ideas?

Silverado

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2016, 02:11:23 PM »
Yikes, that sucks for all parties involved.

I would think letting him drive the direction would be best. Be supportive, a good listener, and a great distraction as needed.

Kris

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2016, 02:14:45 PM »
Gosh, I am so sorry.

My mom died of Stage IV lung cancer nine years ago. She died six weeks after diagnosis.  She was a smoker, though. For a while, she just thought she had bronchitis.

Everyone, I believe, is different when it comes to something like a fatal diagnosis.  My mother also didn't want to talk about it, until she was forced to talk about logistics with me toward the end. (I was her only child, and my dad was gone, so she needed to communicate her final wishes to me.). I guess my advice is, take your cues from him.  I think that if he wants to bring it up with you, he will.  Some people need to have things be as normal as possible, so that they don't have to spend all of their remaining time thinking and talking cancer 24/7.

swick

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2016, 02:15:29 PM »
I'm sorry you have to go through this, GuitarStv.

One thing I have found very helpful is this post: http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

It basically talks about appropriate responses based on how close you are to the situation.

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2016, 02:16:45 PM »
I had a friend who died of lung cancer aged 43, 2 weeks after diagnosis. Non-smoker too.  All you can do is try for a balance between not backing away and not putting your friend under any pressure.  Definitely wait for your friend to bring up any difficult stuff.   Best wishes to you.

SeanMC

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2016, 02:50:43 PM »
If this just happened last week, he probably is still somewhat in shock (on top of feeling ill). Processing it all is a lot. Sounds like you are doing good with what you're doing - visiting, checking in, etc. Over time, he'll have opportunities to talk. He also may prefer talking with other people who are in similar situation or professionals trained to counsel those in treatment. So definitely follow his lead. Make it clear that you are available to listen and it doesn't matter if it is serious or lighthearted.

A friend of mine (late 30s) went through out of nowhere cancer + chemo last year, though better prognosis situation. She was actually kind of bored a lot of the time (especially when she wasn't feeling miserable) and just appreciated company and/or good light entertainment ideas. We spent time watching tv together and making dumb jokes about it.

Also, I don't know if you would be the 'person' but in this kind of situation, it really helps if one point person - typically someone reliable and close with your friend's wife - who can be the calendar-keeper/organizer person for all friends and family who will be offering help, checking in, etc. Someone has to field calls/texts/emails and coordinate the schedules of which friends and family members will be bringing food or meals for wife and kids on which days, and so on. This might be getting set up already or might need a 'nudge' (if wife is still trying to do it all herself, for example). You may or may not be a good choice to be that point person. To best help your friend and his family, you might want to see if that's happening yet. If so, then help support point person and work with them to develop the systems that will respect your friend's wishes (now and as they may change over time) and make sure that the family can focus on his health, treatment, and plans for the future. If not, then maybe you can help get that underway, whether you are the point or not.

justajane

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2016, 03:08:48 PM »
I'm so sorry.

My sister-in-law died of cancer at 36 after a three year fight. She had metastasized melanoma, so we pretty much knew at diagnosis that she wasn't going to see her two kids grow up. They were 3 and 5 years old when she died. 

It's good advice to let him bring up things first. Just try to create scenarios in which it is possible for him to do so, if he wishes. Regular phone calls and visits will go a long way. This is the approach I took with her, although I will say I have some regrets about the final weeks and months when she was on hospice. I wish I had said more, but I was afraid. And she was clearly in both physical and mental agony. I can't imagine what she was going through. She must have felt very alone.

Through this process, I realized that there is no good way to die. For instance, my SIL withdrew into herself. She stopped talking to us. She turned around in her bed when we came in the room. She didn't interact with the kids anymore. But who am I to judge? She was dealt a very bad hand in life. She died so young.

In contrast, a friend of mine just lost her best friend to stomach cancer at 38. This woman was a complete inspiration. She made this lovely video a week or so before she died addressing all her friends and family. I'm surprised it didn't go viral. It was that inspirational. She never lost her love of life and her happy spirit. But that was who she was in her life.

Neither way was better, just as I think that the choice on the part of your friend to either talk about it or not talk about it is better or worse. In that sense, I would definitely leave it up to him.

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #7 on: February 14, 2016, 03:10:53 PM »
Ugh.  Sucks.

All you can do is be there for him, and his family.  Show you care.

Sorry  =/
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Thinkum

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #8 on: February 14, 2016, 03:21:40 PM »
That is horrible and I'm so sorry to hear this. I have to agree with everyone else who suggests letting him lead the conversations. If it were my friend, I would just try to be there as much as I could and make sure he knows I would do all I could to help. Life just seems so cruel sometimes.

G-dog

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #9 on: February 14, 2016, 04:00:14 PM »
Sorry to hear this.
Re: organizing - I think there is a website that folks use to organize support , but I cannot remenpmber the name.

I enjoy your smart aleck humor, doubtless your friend does too, that may be your role with your friend, to lighten the mood. What I think you can do is to make it clear you are here to help. Right now that may be shoveling snow, helping with errands, and just spending time with him. If you are there, he may opt to confide in you further, or  request a bigger favor.

Best wishes to all.

cheddarpie

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #10 on: February 14, 2016, 04:27:07 PM »
I'm so sorry to hear this.

I agree with the other folks that, at least at first, it's okay to let him set the tone. However, I would also say you should not be afraid to acknowledge and say the things that you are thinking and feeling and, especially, to let him know how much he means to you. Even if it's difficult or awkward, he will be appreciative to know how much you care for him (even if he's putting on a "strong face") and it will be very important for you and your grieving process to be able to tell him everything you want to. Be there for him in whatever ways he needs, but also don't forget to take care of yourself because this is your loss too.

I lost my best friend several years ago and there are so many things I wish I had said before she was gone. You can't underestimate how powerful it is to have this time together over the next few months, and how much the loss will hurt when it comes. Pretending it isn't happening will not make it easier.

mrpercentage

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #11 on: February 14, 2016, 06:05:16 PM »
I would start with,
Hey bud what would you like to eat or drink? Spend time with him. Don't make every moment be about when he is gone. Make sure he feels alive, not dead. There is nothing to say really. We are all going to die. Maybe he won't for a few years yet. You never really know. Enjoy some time with him.

CindyBS

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #12 on: February 14, 2016, 06:06:47 PM »
I'm sorry to hear this!

My close friend died a few years ago of breast cancer.  She had a 4 year old and 6 year old at the time.

Sometimes there really is nothing you can say, or nothing you can think of to say.   My friend was pretty open, but I ALWAYS let her set the tone/conversation about the cancer.  We would have entire conversations about things that weren't cancer and I think she really needed some "normal" visits where it wasn't all about being sick. 

It did help to have a few rehearsed lines to say when she would say something heartbreaking or if it made me feel uncomfortable.   Ignoring the person, changing the subject or otherwise trying to make an uncomfortable situation better is usually not a good response.  At a certain point the dying person will typically talk about dying.   This may be too touchy-feely for you, but I remember saying something along the lines of "Wow.  That really sucks.  I can't think of anything to say to make it better, but I'm glad I can be here for you."  Also, sometimes no words are better, but a hug or physical touch like a touch on the shoulder works. 


The website we used for coordinating care was lotsahelpinghands.com  (maybe .org?)  It was great and can be used for more than just meals, but childcare, rides to chemo, etc.    My friend's husband used the site to post updates and then didn't want people to constantly ask him what was going on.   I think that really helped him emotionally to not have to repeat and relive everything over and over.

pbkmaine

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #13 on: February 14, 2016, 06:32:43 PM »

choppingwood

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #14 on: February 14, 2016, 08:11:23 PM »
I think you need to ask him how he wants to handle it.

A friend of mine was diagnosed with AIDS when that was a death sentence, and he made sure people knew. He didn't understand why noone said anything to him about it. He said, "It's like they are all acting like there is nothing wrong."

I think you can ask him how he is doing and does he want to talk about it. Find out if he wants to give the signals that he wants to talk or have you give them.

And get in there and help his family with anything you can think of.

I'm so sorry about this.

Adventine

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #15 on: February 14, 2016, 08:26:59 PM »
I'm so sorry about your best friend. The other posters have given good advice, and I don't have anything to add.

ruthiegirl

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #16 on: February 14, 2016, 09:01:34 PM »
I like 'You want to talk about it?'  Or 'I am here if you want to talk about it.' 

And I am really sorry about your friend.  Cancer has taken a couple of my friends and they handled it differently.  One liked to talk, but another didn't say a word about the disease.  i just tried to be available and listen. 

meg_shannon

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #17 on: February 15, 2016, 01:19:10 AM »
Everyone has given good advice with regards to your friend. I want to approach this from the perspective of his family. My cousin went through something similar, except her husband was an outgoing person with many friends and she is an introvert. After he passed his friends were around for a bit to help, but then everyone started fading away. She was/is in a lot emotional pain, widowed young with little kids, and she needed more support. A couple of his friends have stuck around and have been invaluable in helping their kids get to know their dad from a perspective other than his family and their mom.

I don't know what his family may need when he passes, but maybe keep trying with them. Lots of people pull away when they need you most.

justajane

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #18 on: February 15, 2016, 06:39:36 AM »
Lots of people pull away when they need you most.

We definitely saw this with my SIL. Certain friends of hers disappeared entirely, while others who might have been less close to her before the illness really stepped up. It was pretty hard on my BIL, especially after she was gone. He's not really friends anymore with any of those friends who kept their distance. He even made some offhand comments to us during the funeral about, "I don't even know why they are here at all." I imagine some of them were paralyzed by her cancer and the whole situation. Others probably got caught up in their own lives. I don't think it was malicious, but they could have handled it better.

Cromacster

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #19 on: February 15, 2016, 07:33:02 AM »
It's tough stuff.  I've pretty much concluded there's really no one thing to say.  Best you can do is just be there for him.  If he wants to laugh with you, laugh.  If he needs to be sad, be sad with him.

A friend of mine in college was diagnosed with lung cancer.  Through surgery and treatment he was able to beat it and was in remission for 5 years.  It has come back and it's inoperable, so he's chosen to forgo any treatment and is now in hospice care at his home.  I'm going to visit him this weekend.

It's tough stuff.  I don't have anything in particular that I feel I need to say.  Mostly I just want to see him, hang out and reminisce. 

ruthiegirl

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #20 on: February 20, 2016, 09:12:37 AM »
This popped up on my Facebook feed this morning and made me think of your situation.  Sometimes I think empathy is all we really have to offer one another.  Warmth, time together, being close when someone needs your presence.  Thought you might like to read it. 


http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/02/20/467263025/they-brought-cookies-for-a-new-widow-empathy-eases-death-s-pain?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=npr&utm_term=nprnews&utm_content=20160220

MMMaybe

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #21 on: February 21, 2016, 06:30:21 AM »
One of my best friends died on Tuesday of breast cancer. She was just 41 and I am absolutely bereft.

It was very hard to know what to say. I am not even sure I handled it well. But we talked about the dark stuff. We made inappropriate jokes to lighten the situation sometimes. We tried denial here and there. I tried to be there.

Just make sure that you won't have any regrets after he goes. Thats the hardest part. Wishing you'd done more or said certain things.

Dee

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #22 on: February 21, 2016, 06:51:43 AM »
First, you are already doing and saying the right thing by being there.

The only specific thing I might add beyond what's already been said is perhaps check with his wife that his affairs ARE in order if you don't already know (i.e. that he has a will) and nudge him to get it done if he hasn't already.


arebelspy

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #23 on: February 21, 2016, 07:38:00 AM »

One of my best friends died on Tuesday of breast cancer. She was just 41 and I am absolutely bereft.

It was very hard to know what to say. I am not even sure I handled it well. But we talked about the dark stuff. We made inappropriate jokes to lighten the situation sometimes. We tried denial here and there. I tried to be there.

Just make sure that you won't have any regrets after he goes. Thats the hardest part. Wishing you'd done more or said certain things.

Sorry for that.

It sounds like you did well, and good.

=/
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MMMaybe

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #24 on: February 23, 2016, 12:15:42 AM »

Sorry for that.

It sounds like you did well, and good.

=/

Thanks :)

Cassie

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #25 on: February 23, 2016, 07:51:16 AM »
I have lost a few close friends this way and it sucks. One thing about one friend that is still alive -she was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer similar to your friend. It turns out her hubby went to HS with a guy that became a cancer specialist at  the HOuston Cancer Center and called him. They flew down and the cancer first had to be shrunk with chemo and then they operated and then more chemo. WE lost touch after we retired but I know from mutual friends that she is still alive. It might not hurt to get a consult there. Hugs:))   

Frankies Girl

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #26 on: February 23, 2016, 08:15:04 AM »
I have lost a few close friends this way and it sucks. One thing about one friend that is still alive -she was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer similar to your friend. It turns out her hubby went to HS with a guy that became a cancer specialist at  the HOuston Cancer Center and called him. They flew down and the cancer first had to be shrunk with chemo and then they operated and then more chemo. WE lost touch after we retired but I know from mutual friends that she is still alive. It might not hurt to get a consult there. Hugs:))


Yeah, Houston is supposed to be the place to come for cancer treatment. Before I moved here, I had an aunt that moved here for about a year for her serious (like no hope of recovery) breast cancer. She was cured and lived another 20 years. And folks from other countries come here for treatment as well. It is specifically the University of Texas' MD Anderson Cancer Center - https://www.mdanderson.org/


But this situation really sucks, so just be there for them, in whatever way you can.

tooqk4u22

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #27 on: February 23, 2016, 08:20:13 AM »

One of my best friends died on Tuesday of breast cancer. She was just 41 and I am absolutely bereft.

It was very hard to know what to say. I am not even sure I handled it well. But we talked about the dark stuff. We made inappropriate jokes to lighten the situation sometimes. We tried denial here and there. I tried to be there.

Just make sure that you won't have any regrets after he goes. Thats the hardest part. Wishing you'd done more or said certain things.

Sorry for that.

It sounds like you did well, and good.

=/
I would start with,
Hey bud what would you like to eat or drink? Spend time with him. Don't make every moment be about when he is gone. Make sure he feels alive, not dead. There is nothing to say really. We are all going to die. Maybe he won't for a few years yet. You never really know. Enjoy some time with him.

This. When my cousin had cancer (lost the fight at 42) and my mom had it (remission) they said treating them normal was the best thing ever...nobody wants to feel dead before they are. Laughter is the best medicine, even if it is only for temporary pain relief.

It is extremely stressful and uncomfortable to have a parade of distant friends and family call or show up and ask him how he is feeling....simple answer is how the fuck do think he is feeling. 

My guess is that his biggest fear or thought on his mind right now is not specifically his eventual demise, it is more likely about his family...will they be ok, the things he will miss... discuss with the wife how to help on this front....help get things in order while letting them live.

So tough.

mtn

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #28 on: February 23, 2016, 08:20:51 AM »
There is no good way. Go look up Jason Isbell's song Elephant. Seems to be the best description of it to me.

My uncle has Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. I try to see him and play hockey with him as much as I can. Someday soon he won't be able to play.

GuitarStv

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #29 on: February 23, 2016, 08:57:28 AM »
Thanks for the advice everybody.  I guess the best approach is to keep doing what I'm doing and try to be supportive.  It's a pretty shitty situation all around.

Cassie

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #30 on: February 23, 2016, 09:21:44 AM »
Thanks Frankie's Girl for the correct info on the cancer center. It had been so many years I couldn't exactly remember.  GS: I would offer them the info about this and then they can decide to check it out or not.  Hugs:))

mak1277

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #31 on: February 23, 2016, 01:55:24 PM »
When my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer I read a really helpful book called Help Me Live: 20 Things People with Cancer Want you to Know by Lori Hope. 


Secretly Saving

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #32 on: February 23, 2016, 04:30:20 PM »
I have lost a few close friends this way and it sucks. One thing about one friend that is still alive -she was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer similar to your friend. It turns out her hubby went to HS with a guy that became a cancer specialist at  the HOuston Cancer Center and called him. They flew down and the cancer first had to be shrunk with chemo and then they operated and then more chemo. WE lost touch after we retired but I know from mutual friends that she is still alive. It might not hurt to get a consult there. Hugs:))

I agree with this ^^.  We were given a diagnosis of Stage 4B Inoperable cancer for my mom and she was given less than 1 year.  She got on a clinical trial and not only is she still alive, but she has had NO ADVANCEMENT in the cancer.  If when you talk to him he wants to fight for as much time as possible, I would start looking at well known cancer hospitals and what clinical trials are in the area. 

Midwest

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #33 on: February 23, 2016, 04:45:25 PM »
Be his friend, stay in contact and stay supportive.  Let him know you'll be there for him and his family.

If he wants to talk about it, he will.   Sometimes sick people just want to feel normal. 

If you are religious (or he is), pray for him.

My dad got cancer in his mid-30's so I've observed some of this first hand.  The people who did the above were great.
« Last Edit: February 23, 2016, 04:47:37 PM by Midwest »

deborah

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #34 on: February 23, 2016, 09:15:25 PM »
It's great that people have friends or relatives who were inoperable, did something different, and are still alive. But that only happens to a few people. The rest are like my best friend who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was told she had 3 to 6 months to live, but if they gave her treatment would live 6 months to a year. She spent the rest of her life having treatments every day until she went into a hospice, and usually being so sick she couldn't think straight. She died 6 weeks after she was diagnosed.

It isn't a fight. People don't necessarily win. It is a life. Just be there for them. And be prepared to help them on the path they have chosen, rather than trying to persuade them onto a totally different path. Also, doctors don't know, so if a person has been given a diagnosis like my friend, be there for them quickly - I could easily have missed seeing her if I had taken 3 months to a year as being right.

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #35 on: March 02, 2016, 12:47:49 PM »
A little bit about my background...
-Worked at MD Anderson out of nursing school for about 3 years..
-Worked there 4 times (total) in various areas over the years .

You stated that he is stage 4, and disease has metastasized to everything but brain?  First of all, I am so sorry you are having to go through this.. Ultimately, it is your friends decision about treatment, or even pursuing treatment.  I will say that depending on where he lives it is a good idea to actually get another consult by specialist at a world renown institution like say, MD Anderson, or Memorial Sloan Kettering in New York.
Unfortunately, there are cases of misdiagnosis... Usually because the patient started out in a hospital that had pathologist that was a"generalist", and had never seen anything other than "garden variety" cancer pathology. This is to actually confirm what type of cancer, and the staging.  These institutions do this all the time.. Then from there they will recommend treatment options. If untreatable, the also have the best Palliative Care centers.  Kind of like Hospice, but also treat symptoms related to disease.

As far as the personal part of the situation, like others have stated....Be supportive to him and family.  "The Friend by Matthew Teague - Esquire" here is an article about a similar situation.  Very powerful- read it! Do what is in your heart... Hope this helps!

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #36 on: March 13, 2016, 07:55:59 AM »
Everyone has given good advice with regards to your friend. I want to approach this from the perspective of his family. My cousin went through something similar, except her husband was an outgoing person with many friends and she is an introvert. After he passed his friends were around for a bit to help, but then everyone started fading away. She was/is in a lot emotional pain, widowed young with little kids, and she needed more support. A couple of his friends have stuck around and have been invaluable in helping their kids get to know their dad from a perspective other than his family and their mom.

I don't know what his family may need when he passes, but maybe keep trying with them. Lots of people pull away when they need you most.

+1
If you let him know that you'll be there for his family to help them with X,y,or z, it can really take some of the stress off.
My dad died when he had 5 kids ranging in age from 6-11. My mom tells me that in the hospital room in his last months, he would sometimes break down sobbing "my kids, my kids".  he may only be thinking of others at this point.

Daleth

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #37 on: March 13, 2016, 08:41:04 AM »
I have lost a few close friends this way and it sucks. One thing about one friend that is still alive -she was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer similar to your friend. It turns out her hubby went to HS with a guy that became a cancer specialist at  the HOuston Cancer Center and called him. They flew down and the cancer first had to be shrunk with chemo and then they operated and then more chemo. WE lost touch after we retired but I know from mutual friends that she is still alive. It might not hurt to get a consult there. Hugs:))


Yeah, Houston is supposed to be the place to come for cancer treatment. Before I moved here, I had an aunt that moved here for about a year for her serious (like no hope of recovery) breast cancer. She was cured and lived another 20 years. And folks from other countries come here for treatment as well. It is specifically the University of Texas' MD Anderson Cancer Center - https://www.mdanderson.org/


But this situation really sucks, so just be there for them, in whatever way you can.

Seconding or thirding the recommendation to get a second opinion at a top cancer center. MD Anderson in Houston is probably where I would go. It's where we tried to persuade my aunt to go for her liver cancer, but she chose to be treated where she lived, and she died. Probably the only other places I would consider, and the decision would depend mainly on what type of cancer it was because different hospitals have different specialties, are Sloan Kettering in NYC and the Cleveland Clinic. Does the Mayo Clinic treat cancer? Are they as good at it as they are at other things? I might consider them too. But going to the local hospital? No way. Not when your life is at stake from a disease your local hospital doesn't specialize in and isn't renowned for.

If your friend is interested, maybe you could do a Go Fund Me or similar campaign to get the money for the trip to Houston (i.e. the part that's not covered by health insurance), and if MD Anderson thinks they can help him, another campaign to help the whole family relocate there temporarily so that he can get treated without being separated from his kids? Hopefully he has some sort of disability insurance, and his wife, if she's working, hopefully works for a non-tiny company such that she can at least get unpaid family leave to go with him.
« Last Edit: March 13, 2016, 08:43:46 AM by Daleth »

Daleth

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #38 on: March 13, 2016, 08:46:23 AM »
It's great that people have friends or relatives who were inoperable, did something different, and are still alive. But that only happens to a few people. The rest are like my best friend who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was told she had 3 to 6 months to live, but if they gave her treatment would live 6 months to a year. She spent the rest of her life having treatments every day until she went into a hospice, and usually being so sick she couldn't think straight. She died 6 weeks after she was diagnosed.

It isn't a fight. People don't necessarily win. It is a life. Just be there for them. And be prepared to help them on the path they have chosen, rather than trying to persuade them onto a totally different path. Also, doctors don't know, so if a person has been given a diagnosis like my friend, be there for them quickly - I could easily have missed seeing her if I had taken 3 months to a year as being right.

Those are all very valid points, and I'm really sorry about your friend. Bear in mind, though, that most types of pancreatic cancer are devastatingly lethal with a horrible prognosis even when they haven't metastasized. Not all cancers are created equal, so the risk/benefit analysis for trying as hard to fight them as your friend did is different depending on what kind it is.

GuitarStv

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #39 on: March 13, 2016, 10:13:38 AM »
After a dramatic swing for the worse last week, discussion of the topic may be academic at this point.

Daleth

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #40 on: March 13, 2016, 11:23:46 AM »
After a dramatic swing for the worse last week, discussion of the topic may be academic at this point.

God, I'm so sorry.

Secretly Saving

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #41 on: March 13, 2016, 12:44:12 PM »
After a dramatic swing for the worse last week, discussion of the topic may be academic at this point.

Oh no.  So sorry to hear this.  It is never easy. 

Jim2001

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #42 on: March 13, 2016, 05:35:13 PM »
Take a look at http://www.refugeingrief.com/

For him, his family, and for you.

"SOME THINGS IN LIFE CANNOT BE FIXED. THEY CAN ONLY BE CARRIED."

okits

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #43 on: March 13, 2016, 06:53:40 PM »
After a dramatic swing for the worse last week, discussion of the topic may be academic at this point.

I have no wisdom to offer, but a lot of sympathy.  I'm sorry for him, his family, you, and everyone that cares about your friend.  Very sad.  :(

warmastoast

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #44 on: March 13, 2016, 08:03:01 PM »
I am so sorry to hear about what your friend and you are going through. 

One of my friend's children had leukaemia and they used http://www.caringbridge.org/  to communicate with those of us too far away to be of much help.  A friend would write up a weekly entry or more if there was stuff happening and we could all reply with words of encouragement/photos/pictures to this little girl. The point was to take pressure off her parents to keep talking to everyone about it and allowed us to cheer them up.

A big hug to you and your friend.

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #45 on: March 14, 2016, 07:38:12 AM »
After a dramatic swing for the worse last week, discussion of the topic may be academic at this point.

Sorry to hear this bad news. I can only hope that this progresses as painlessly and peacefully as possible. It will be tough no matter what.

Cassie

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #46 on: March 14, 2016, 11:05:29 PM »
When my BF had a same situation I offered some advice in things to look into and then I stood back and just supported her. 14 years later I never have a day that I don't think about her and love her very much. There are many things we can't control.  Hugs:))

MMMaybe

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Re: What do you say when your best friend is dying?
« Reply #47 on: March 15, 2016, 04:20:10 AM »
Sorry to hear this. It will be a difficult time. Firstly, the waiting for the bad news. And then, working through the grief, once it actually is over. I almost found it harder to do the waiting, than to accept my friend's actual passing. It was as if I had been holding my breath, just waiting and waiting and dreading it.

Ultimately, it is a relief of sorts after a difficult and intense time but then the reality of the loss sinks in over time.

It definitely hits harder than you might expect so be kind to yourself. At the same time, it may seem unreal. I sometimes forget that my friend is gone, just momentarily.

 

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